Love Under The Christmas Tree

Friday night came pretty fast. As agreed, I left Emily with Johnny's aunt, whom I discovered I had actually already met long ago. Living in the same building, it wasn't rare for us to come across each other and exchange a few words every once in a while. I liked her, I just would've never thought in a million years she was Johnny's aunt. Well, it's a small world after all. Anyway, she seemed to me like a fine woman so I wasn't too worried about entrusting my daughter to her care. 

However, the 'going out' part was worrying me a little. I tried to relax, remembering it was not a date or anything of the sort. It was just about having a drink with a friendly guy, no big deal. Yet my stomach was still in knots. 

Johnny let me pick out the place we would go to, so I went for a nice little bar I had already gone to once or twice in the past. I loved the atmosphere : it was beautifully decorated, dimly lit, not too crowded, and there was always great music playing in the background. Well, except maybe tonight because they had decided to play Christmas songs. 

♡♡♡

We were sitting at the bar side by side, a beer in front of each one of us. Since we had gotten there, I had managed to relax a bit, thanks to Johnny's many jokes. He was so funny, also very interesting and clever. 

"So, tell me about you" Johnny said after a moment, taking a sip from his beer bottle.

"Me ?" I wrinkled my nose in confusion.

"Yeah. We've been talking about everything and anything but I still know next to nothing about you" he pointed out, making me realize that he was right. Nothing personal had never emerged in any of our conversatoins so far.

"There's not much to say about me you know" I lowered my head, smiling bashfully. 

"Come on, I'm sure there are plenty of things to say" he encouraged cheerfully.

"Okay..." I finally gave in to his insistence "Well...I'm 25, I've been living in New York for a little over 7 years but I'm originally from Los Angeles. Uh...what else ?" I wondered out loud, my eyes on the white ceiling above us as I searched for something important I could've possibly forgotten. "Uh...I'm single...I have a daughter, but you already know that."

"I know that part indeed" he chuckled softly.

"Your turn" I rested my hand in my palm, eager to learn more about him too now.

"Well, I'm 30. I'm from Kentucky but I moved to Los Angeles because of my band."

"Oh, so you got a band ?" I interrupted, cocking an eyebrow in slight surprise.

"Ya. I play the guitar. Music is my first love, I've always dreamt of becoming a rockstar" he explained, letting out a small laugh toward the end of his sentence.

"I'd love to hear you play" I exclaimed excitedly. 

"And I'd love to play for you" he responded, causing my cheeks to turn a slight shade of pink.

"May I ask you a question ?" Johnny asked after a few minutes of silence.

"Sure" I nodded, waiting for him to go on.

"Where is...Emily's father ? Uh no...forget it...I didn't mean to be bold or anything" he stuttered, clearly embarrassed as he started scratching at his scalp nervously.

"No it's okay, I don't mind you asking" I quietly assured him, placing my hand on his thigh in a reassuring manner. 

I felt him stiffen under my touch, and that's when I realized what I had just done definitely wasn't the right thing to do. I mentally cursed myself, what the hell was I thinking ? I immediately put my hand away, awkwardly staring at my lap. 

"Emily's father left us when she was only a few weeks old" I began, recalling Johnny had asked about it just a moment ago.

He listened to me carefully as I told him the whole story. From how I met this asshole, to how he blinded me and got me into doing a lot of bad stuff I would've probably never done on my own, how I left my parents behind and never saw them again ever since. I told him absolutely everything in details.

"I'm so sorry" Johnny said after I was done.

"I got over all this you know. The only reason I still feel bad sometimes is because of my daughter. I wish she could have had a father. I mean, a real one, someone who would have cared for her and loved her the way I do. I know this lack of father figure isn't easy for her." I sighed, twirling my hair. "Do you know what she asked for Christmas in her letter to Santa ? A new dad."

"It's not over yet. You can still find someone who'll love her as his own. Someone who truly deserves you...both" he hesitantly commented.

"Oh no, that won't happen. I'm not letting some other jerk into my life to mess it up and break my heart again. I've had enough of this already, believe me" I scoffed.

"All guys aren't jerks...Love can be a beautiful thing when you find the right person" Johnny remarked, literally shutting me up. 

He then looked at me, saying nothing more, just observing me. The dim lights were reflecting into his chocolate colored eyes, making it appear as if they were shining with a bit of gold in places. There was something really special about his eyes, something that was making me feel sort of dizzy. I was like hypnotized, and I couldn't even bring myself to look away. I could only hold his gaze. I don't think I had noticed how handsome he was until now. Breathtakingly handsome. I was like frozen, unable to move. My heart was beating so fast that it scared me. I had to pull myself together.

At one point, I could've sworn his face was leaning closer to mine, but I was so troubled I might as well have imagined it. Anyhow, I freaked out so I backed away some, just in case. 

♡♡♡ 

"I really had a great time. We should do it again sometime. But I get to choose where we're going" Johnny told me as we made it back to his aunt's apartment.

We hadn't rung the doorbell yet, we were just standing on the doorstep, in front of each other.

"Why ? Did you not like the place I chose ?" I faked to be offended, smacking his chest playfully. 

"Oh no, I liked it very much. But I'm still the one who gets to choose next time" he replied, smirking devilishly. 

"Fine" I gave in to him, throwing my hands in the air in surrender.

We both giggled until I got lost in his dark eyes once again. It felt like time had stopped, like someone had put the world on pause. I wasn't aware of my surroundings anymore and before I knew it, Johnny's lips were brushing against mine.

"Please don't" I whispered, right before it could go any further and turn into a kiss, and gently pushed him away from me. 

"I'm sorry, I thought...well...I'm sorry" he apologized, rubbing the back of his neck and looking down to the ground in embarrassment. 

The atmosphere was tensed and heavy now, and part of me felt bad for having rejected him like that, but what else was I supposed to do ? 

Guilt washed over me. I could only hope I hadn't done anything to make him think I wanted him to kiss me. 

"Look" I plucked up the courage to break the silence "I don't want any ambiguity between us. I enjoy your company, I truly do. I'm just...not ready for a new relationship. You're not even gonna stay here anyway, and one-night stands aren't exactly my thing."

"I understand..." Johnny replied, his voice very low and quiet. "I'm...sorry."

"It's okay. Let's just forget it" I gave him a small smile before ringing the doorbell.