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Life Goes On	By : knight Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Def Leppard Views: 1882 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Def Leppard. I do not make any money from the writing of this story...

Chapter List
- 50
- 51
...Nick Knight, Geraint Wyn Davies. Well contain descriptions, depictions
of real people. I claim no personal knowledge of these artist/actors and their sexual orientation or personal lives. I do not own rights to any of the people mentioned herein. No profit is being made.
Authors Note: All thoughts are in Italics. Blood may not be sweet to human's, but for vampire's, it very well may be.
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Enjoy
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Life Goes On(Pt50)
RS Journal                                                                   June 2048
Guilt- a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc. whether real or imagined. Conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc.: to live a life of guilt.
Why do I place that word and its definition first? Guilt is a hard burden to carry through out life. It's just not a word in black and white; it has meaning and feeling, a mincing dark evil. It eats away the mind and when it's done with that, it eats away at the very core of your soul. Guilt comes in many forms, all of which I carry with me. Guilt for the countless innocent mortal lives I have taken in my years as a vampire. Their rich warm blood that sustains my own. Guilt for the ones you love (Joe) the pain, hurt, betrayal and mindless games you bestow upon them.
The guilt I have today, is heavy. Another mortal has died because of me. Her beauty and innocents forever taken from this earth, her laugh never to be heard again, and the warmth of her arms around me.
Seventeen years ago, yesterday, I buried Olivia, and every year since, the guilt I have for her death overwhelms me. She now rests beside another woman that graced my life, Rebecca. I know in my heart that she will be welcomed with open arms by those ghostly loved ones of ours. And it lifts my spirits knowing that they will.
The last few months of Olivia’s life were a struggle for us. She never overcame the hell that Nick put her through. She never believed me when I told her I still love her, wanted her in my life. That I would never pressure her into making love to me again, and up until her death we never did. Together we could get past her fears, of her own guilt. But it was too much for her to handle.
Something snapped in Olivia the night of the fight between Joe, Nick and I. She saw all the blood, heard my yells of pain. What Nick was truly capable of. She wanted to run away as far as possible from us. But I wouldn’t let her, I couldn’t let her go off and deal with her fears on her own. So I took care of her, held Olivia in the middle of the night when she would wake up from nightmares. Encouraged her to go out, taught her to play the guitar. But all my efforts and Joe’s failed. She took her own life in the middle of the day, one year after the fight she’d witnessed at Phil’s house. I should have been with her, knowing what the night would bring her. Haunting images of three men in a fight till the death. But I was in a room we have set aside, for when Joe and I want to be alone. Sleep overtaking both of us after a night of endless passion.
Since then I have given up all hope of ever finding a mortal woman, to have a lasting relationship with, to be happy with. It’s not because I don’t want to, it’s because I can’t. I will not let another innocent woman that I fall in love with, be subjected to Nick’s cruelty. It’s just to big a price to pay. I’ll just have to be content with the flings that only last a few months, just as I have done in the past. The pain of losing Olivia taught me to never carry on a lasting relationship. Only to have Nick in someway or somehow screw it up for me.
I dream of the day when Nick releases me to do as I wish, never having to fear that he will just show up to torment me. Placing his high demands in full force and doing what he pleases with me. Whether it’s to talk, a beating that had no reason what so ever and always ended in him forcing himself on me. Or a week filled with actually having fun together. The days spent with loving touches, passionate romps in bed, no demands, no petty mind games, no abuse. Or the nights we hunt together. It’s those days and weeks that I enjoy being with Nick. But the fear of all that and more, will always remain. And I know that Nick will never let me go, and I have to find a way to accept that.
The only bright spot in my life is Joe. I can be myself around him, he never judges me on my faults...well, he does on some occasions. And the one thing I have learned over the years; Joe loves me unconditional. All the pain, hurt and betrayal I have put Joe through over the years, has not dimmed that love. Someone once told me, that I take our relationship and Joe’s love, for granted, maybe I do. It doesn’t matter what I do or have done to him over the years, Joe is always there, with open arms. One day he is not going to forget/forgive me for some stupid thing that I did to him. That he is tired of all the bullshit that I throw at him. That he really wants me out of his life for good, to never see, touch, feel him, hear his voice ever again. The way he says ‘I love you’…I would rather die, if I don’t have Joe in my life.
Although I have left him many times in the past, it was never Joe that told me to leave; (except that one time) I did it on my own. I would leave for days, weeks, or years on end. Joe would always be there, waiting for my return. I haven’t strayed far since Olivia passed away. Those long separations from Joe are few and far in between now. I go out only when I need to, to lye in the warmth of a woman’s arms or to be alone for a few hours, let my mind wonder. But it’s Joe’s love that pulls me back to him and mine for him. We still wear the rings, that promise made so many years ago of undying love.
Sav rocked back in his chair, a small smile on his face. ‘‘Thinking and writing about Joe can always lift the gloominess I fell. Even on a day like today.” He sipped from his glass of blood wine, then leaned over his journal again.
I think I’ll put forth better effort in pushing away some of the guilt over Olivia, after all seventeen years is a long time to carry that. Joe has told me that so many times, but its hard not too. A part of me will always love and miss her.
Today shouldn’t be all filled with guilt, and sorrow, but of happiness, laughter, fun. Today marks the 16^th birthday of Philip Joseph Collen Elliott. Long name eh? chuckles. To look at him, you would think that Joe was his biological father. You would never guess that Phil has that honor. Philip towers above Phil by at least two inches, he inherited Evelyn’s brunette hair and emerald green eyes. Phil’s body build and you wouldn’t believe he was born two months early. Philip can play a wickedly mean guitar. Just like his father. When those two are together, its like the Terror Twins act two!! Joe and Evelyn have a time getting them to behave and ooh so much fun to watch. He’s Phil’s son alright, through and through. With Joe’s influence on him growing up, Philip has the drive to make it big in the music industry. A handsome lad he is.
Philip reminds me so much of Joe when we first met, mind you, Joe was barely eighteen and I was seventeen….long time ago. I see in Philip that same hunger that Joe and I have about music, of one day playing in a band and making it your life’s dream. I believe he will and we will be there in the shadows…watching.
Random thoughts: After years of debating, balancing the pros and cons, I finally did it…I really did it. I cut this unruly, curly mane of hair on my head. Short on the sides, back, did leave about three inches on the top and it stilled curled. It was great, I loved it. Needless to say Joe kind of….lost it, went off the deep end. I didn’t know he was he obsessed with my hair!! Ranted all night about it, while I tried not to laugh at him. It was funny, Joe going on and on…’I can’t believe you did that? Why did you do that? What am I going to run my fingers through now? Hold on to when you…um…er...oh you know what I mean?! It better grow back!!   And on he went. Oops sorry Joe and I love you too. But it did grow back; I had a whole 24 hours to enjoy it and another 24 hours of what came after. Joe spent a good portion of that spitting my sweat drenched long hair out of his mouth. “Want me to cut it again?” I had asked him. A resounded NO! boomed through the room. Evelyn had to leave the house; she too was having a hard time holding back her laughter at Joe’s reaction. But in the end, Joe and I had a good laugh over it.
How could I forget to mention the birthday party? I know….Joe!! He is thinking dirty thoughts right now, and they are not about Evelyn. So I better hurry up and finish this. Yes birthday party…..everyone is coming, the entire Lep family. The house is going to be full for the next week. Good thing we added to this one or somebody would be sleeping outside. I’m not sure how many of our friends from the community will show up, a lot of them I’m sure. Party!! at the Elliott house…yep a lot of them.
We’re all content with our lives again. Evelyn and Joe never married, but happy and very much in love with each other nonetheless. Phil and Gail will be leaving soon after the party. Gail has decided to join our little family, to spend eternity with Phil. We all knew she would. Rick and Kelsey have been happily married for eight years. Matthew finally married, took him long enough; I haven’t met her yet, but they will be here tonight. Lillian and Tracy are still together after all these years. They adopted two girls a few years ago, haven’t met them either. Thomas and Amanda are still together, have four beautiful children.
Alex will be here with his son, Sean. Toni, his girlfriend passed away giving birth. Evelyn took care of Sean the first few months of his life; Alex was beside himself by Toni’s death. They both live with us now.
Amber, what can I say about my Pumpkin. She is the second love of my life and one that I can never have. Each time I see her, I have to bury those feelings deeper, where they have remained all these years. She grows older with each passing year, the spackling of gray in her hair, the tiny wrinkles at the corners of her eyes, only adds to her beauty. Fuck it all to hell!!! I’m going to have that woman even if it’s the death of me. I am tired of hiding these feelings and I know that Amber is too. Tonight…tonight I will once again tell her of my love for her. Then we’ll go from there.
Nick is…is, Nick is….well he’s Nick...
...and an asshole...
Joseph….there isn’t much I haven’t said about him in the 40 odd volumes of journals I have tucked safely away. Some of which I have repeated over and over. He is the love of my life and will be forever.
So goes our lives and the ones around us. Whether they grace our life as family or friends, pass on to another world as the ones before us have. Or stay as a child of the night. For us….Life Goes On.
     Rick Savage
to be continued..........
- 50
- 51
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Life Goes On