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All We Are is Memories	By : Berlin Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Avenged Sevenfold Views: 1159 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Avenged Sevenfold. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 5
- 6
- 7
October 19, 1999
The sun shone brightly through the sheer curtains I had lazily pulled across the windows last night before going to bed, being too tired to put much thought into the quality of shade they would actually be able to provide me. The alarm clock next to me read 8:21 a.m. and while it was a bit on the early side, I didn't much mind - it looked like another gorgeous day in sunny California and the beauty I could see through the window made me want to get up and experience it first-hand.
Last night had been a great way to end a great week. The feel of a paycheck in my hands had been exhilarating... dang near bordering on life affirming. For the first time since we had arrived in California almost 2 months before, I felt like I had actually accomplished something. Besides keeping Johnny and I in our hotel for at least another two weeks, I had more importantly realized that I was capable of taking care of myself. I could survive in the world; I could make it. My sheltered life in Utah never would have taught me that.
Could it be that I'm actually happy I came out here? Nah.
I had started working at the music shop two weeks earlier - Trevor was nice enough to give not only me a job, but Johnny one too. He was still a little over a month away from turning 15 but Trevor said he could just record his time as if I worked it and when Johnny turns 15 next month he'll just start keeping his own time and getting his own paychecks. I was far from comfortable with the idea of leaving Johnny in this place, but if I wasn't going to be able to convince him to come back home with me (and as each day passed, that fact ingrained itself in my mind more and more), at least he'd have a job to support himself with.
Trevor was even paying me to tutor him a couple of nights a week in his college classes. It was a little odd tutoring someone three years older than me, but it worked out well. And we could certainly use the money. Sure, I spend almost all of my time working now, but what else would I do? It's not as if I had friends or family out here.
Family
Shaking the sorrow that quickly started to weigh on my heart and conscience at the thought of my family, I crawled out of bed and into the shower, eager to get outside and enjoy my day off. We had been out late last night, celebrating my our paycheck by having late dinner... dinner somewhere other than Taco Bell. It was kind of nice. Over the past couple of weeks, Johnny had been hanging around Jimmy, Matt, Zach and Brian more and more often (I say their names like I know them when, in truth, I really didn't - the only one who I had actually talked to was Jimmy). It was lonely without him, especially considering he was the only friend I had out here. Trevor... he was a nice guy, but we had absolutely nothing in common and him being three years older just made him intimidating in a weird sort of way. Jimmy... I certainly didn't feel uncomfortable around him, even though we quite possibly had even less in common than Trevor and I did, but I still wouldn't consider us friends. He never came around unless he was with the rest of the guys - guys who I happened not to particularly care for. And our conversations were always so weird. Not awkward or uncomfortable, just really and truly odd.
Johnny was it - everything I had out here. Sure, he would invite me along when he went out with everyone, but I never accepted. And he knew I wouldn't that was probably why he extended the invitation. I didn't feel comfortable around them and I wasn't even really ok with him hanging out with them but I had long since learned that I was not Johnny's mother and had no bearing in how he lived his life.
That angered me in a way I mean, look at what I'm going through for him! Sometimes he just seemed so unappreciative. I guess now I know what it feels like to be a parent...
Slipping on a pair of pink flip flops, I wrote Johnny a note (he was still asleep), telling him that I was going to the bookstore and would be back no later than 2 p.m. Feeling more care-free than I had in quite I while, I walked out of the hotel and down the street. California was so different than Utah. Back home, I'd have to drive 15 minutes to get to the nearest Barnes & Noble. Here, it's only about a mile down the road and two blocks back. I didn't mind the walk either. It almost never rained here, and with all the tourists and beach-goers, there was never anything for me to worry about or watch out for at least during the day. No wonder southern California's such a popular place to live, it's almost a utopia.
My mind wandered as I wandered down the streets of Huntington Beach, walking about five stores passed the Barnes & Noble and creating a 13-person pile-up on the sidewalk after I realized this fact and abruptly stopped in my tracks to turn around. I dodged glares from apparently busy people as they hurridly tried to gather back up their bags, cell phones and purses before slipping into my appropriate store as indiscreetly as possible. Whoops.
A half hour later and I was sitting in the caf, a Starbucks caramel frappuccino on the table beside me and an unopened... home decorating magazine on my lap? It was quite apparent that my mind wasn't on sprucing up my dingy hotel room. The little cash we had to our name was burning a hole in my pocket and devious, selfish ideas were formulating in my head.
No, I can't. We need this money, I'd be horrible for spending it on something like that. Johnny would be so mad at me. Heck, I'd be mad at me.
I chastised myself as I walked out of the bookstore and all the way to the cell phone store. It's like my mind had multiple personalities - one telling me it was wrong and I was a horrible, selfish person and the other telling me to ignore that idiot and just do it. The second, mean one won out.
A half hour later I walked out, proud and ashamed of my purchase at the same time. But I couldn't go back now, could I? I had already purchased it - no returns accepted. I could tell I had a giddy, childish smile on my face as I walked towards the boardwalk. I couldn't get to it quick enough. In fact, I all but ran towards the boardwalk and my favorite bench at the end of it. The shiny black cell phone burnt in my sweaty hand as I finally plopped down on the bench. The number appeared before me on the lit screen, my hands seeming to have a mind of their own.
With a hard swallow and the faint feeling of butterflies in my stomach, I hit [send] and held the phone up to my ear, praying that Nat would pick up.
The phone rang five times and with each ring, my heart fell a little more. I hadn't even thought of the possibility that no one would be home when I called. I had been more preoccupied with what I was going to say to him and how he would react to my call. Really though, what was I thinking? It was a Sunday morning back there of course he'd be at church. Everyone spent all day with church "festivities" on Sundays in Salt Lake City. Nothing was open, of course, but church would last until 1 p.m. or so and then there were the big family meals to eat and neighbors to visit... sometimes even activities back at the church in the evening. My mom and I never went we would spend all Sunday at home watching movies, chatting, and eating reheated pizza. But Nat, his family was far more proper than mine. We never saw each other on Sundays his parents were very devout Mormons and didn't particularly approve of our relationship to begin with. I never could understand it. We never did anything more than kiss and yet they acted is if we were living in sin and I was a temptress sent from the Devil himself.
"Hello?... Hello??"
I stuttered, my voice choked in the back of my throat as the person on the other end caught me off guard.
"Hi... uh, is Nat there?"
"Who is this?" the voice on the other end asked. It was an unfamiliar voice, definitely someone I had never spoken to before. After being together for 2 years, I recognized the voices of Nat's parents and younger brothers. This voice didn't belong to any of them. It was a female voice.
"This is Faith. Who's this?"
Subconsciously, I knew who it was and it was what was making my voice get louder and the pitch higher.
"Well, Faith, this is Stephanie, Nat's girlfriend. And I'm sorry, he's not available right now."
Girlfriend? My brain feebly attempted to process the words I had just heard. Girlfriend. The simple word had somehow completely lost its meaning me. It seemed as foreign as Chinese. I suppose that's just a coping mechanism though, isn't it? My body's way of trying to handle something that's simply incapable of being dealt with.
Panicked, I hit the [end] button and put an end to the conversation that hadn't really even started. I couldn't muster any words in response to the girl, the girl who just unknowingly shoved a knife through my heart. Slowly, and quite painfully (more painful, in fact, than anything I had ever experienced in my life), everything began to sink in. Words became recognizable, sentences started to have meaning.
Nat's girlfriend... some girl named Stephanie and most importantly, not me. How could he do this to me? I loved him so much. More than I thought I could love anyone. An unreasonable kind of love that makes you do and say stupid things. A type of love that was supposed to have lasted forever. We were supposed to get married, buy a cute 3-bedroom house with a bright green front lawn, have exactly 2 children a boy and a girl that we were going to name Gabriel and Helena, grow old together, and die together. We were supposed to have a happy life. Together. Never once did some random girl named Stephanie with a high-pitched, almost childish voice come into the picture.
I should've been mad. I should've been so furious with him for cheating on me that my mind feverishly plotted evils ways to punish him. But I wasn't. I was devastated. My heart literally hurt.
With tears in my eyes and my head hung low to avoid the odd looks I would receive from the happy sight-seers around me, I ran off the boardwalk and back towards the hotel. Shoving the blasted cell phone in my pocket, I unlocked our door and slammed it shut behind me. The anger was finally boiling in me.
Like usual, I was welcomed by the sight of five men sprawled across my bed and floor. Usually I received indistinct welcome grunts, none of them even lifting their head to acknowledge my existence. Well, occasionally Johnny or Jimmy would. It highly depended on what they were doing. On the days that they all brought over their instruments, I was completely ignored. Most times I was pushed back out into the hallway because they were "practicing" and I was getting in the way. Today, they all looked up at me as I stood, my back plastered to the door, heaving from running up six flights of stairs.
Johnny opened his mouth to say something, eyes widened in shock at my appearance, I'm sure.
"Get out. All of you. Right now," I hissed before Johnny was able to say anything. The boys stared at me, not showing any signs of gathering their belongings and exiting the room as I had just demanded. Well then, if they were going to be like that, then I was just going to have to gather their stuff for them, now wasn't I?
I grabbed the black hooded sweatshirt from the floor, opened the door and tossed it out. I did the same with the dirty pair of shoes I found as well as a black backpack. "What exactly don't you people understand about get out?"
Brian and Zack stood up from their claimed spot on the floor in front of the TV. They always acted and moved as if they were one person. It was weird. On a normal day I might have paused to think more about it, but that was absolutely out of the question today.
"Ok, ok. We gotcha Faith. We're going," Brian said softly, his dark hair hanging in front of his eyes. The tone of his voice made me cringe a bit... I was really being nasty, wasn't I?
Once in the hallway, Zack bent down and picked up the sweatshirt that must have belonged to him. I continued throwing belongings into the hallway, making a commotion that would surely warrant a visit from the hotel manager. Taking a worn notebook in my hand, I went to give it a chuck out the door when someone roughly grabbed my arm. I looked up and saw Matt glaring at me menacingly, his hand wrapping even tighter around my wrist. It hurt badly but I made no movement to show the pain he was causing.
"Don't touch my shit."
I guess he didn't deserve my anger even though he was, in all actuality, a horribly nasty person in his own right. But it was like Matt disappeared and Nat stood in his place, grabbing my wrist and glowering at me. I wrenched my arm, trying in vain to free myself but it didn't work.
As a last resort (and out of sheer anger as well, I guess), I did the one thing that girls are always taught to do. I stamped my flip-flopped foot down on his and brought my knee up in between his legs. It wasn't with as much force as I knew I could exert... somewhere inside (deep inside), there was still a rational, kind-hearted part of my brain. Instantly, he groaned and doubled-over in pain. With a somewhat sadistic smirk of satisfaction, I ripped my arm free from his and leant over, almost reveling in his pain.
"I told you to get the fuck out of my room. And don't ever touch me again you disgusting piece of shit."
In the same instant as this was happening, I caught both Jimmy and Johnny jumping up from the bed and crossing the short distance to where our altercation was taking place.
"You little bitch!" Matt gasped, regaining his breath and slowly standing upright. He drew back his hand and I braced myself for what I knew was coming... I can't say I didn't deserve it. My eyes shut in anticipation of the blow but it never came. Instead, I felt arms pulling me backwards.
"Faith! What the hell is going on with you?" It was Johnny pulling me away and towards the corner of the room. He clearly (and rightfully) looked shocked. I looked from him over to Matt. He was being restrained by Jimmy, both men looking quite confused.
It was like I was in the Twilight Zone... none of this was really happening. I wasn't, in fact, going off the deep end. I wasn't physically attacking strangers and obscenities weren't flying out of my mouth. There weren't three guys standing around me, looking absolutely terrified of me. And I hadn't just found out that the love of my life had been cheating on me.
Yet it was all real. Painfully and embarrassingly real. And just like that, all the rage that had built up inside of me disappeared, only to be again replaced by that aching feeling of desperation and sadness. It felt like I was empty but at the same time, it hurt so bad I would give anything to just make it stop. Anything.
"I'm sorry," I choked in a pathetic apology to Matt. I didn't like him - at all - but he didn't deserve anything like what I had just done to him. No one did.
Well, maybe Nat did.
He looked at me oddly but said nothing, instead he just turned on his heel and stormed silently out of the room.
I hiccupped and sniffled as the tears started to flow more freely. In fact, they caused my entire body to shake and tremble. Johnny spun me around and I looked down into his worried face, embarrassed. He had never seen me such a mess. No one had ever seen me such a mess, I think. I've never really had anything happen in my life to warrant such a reaction. He grabbed my shoulders and shook them slightly. "I'm not leaving here until you tell me what's going on, Faith."
I shook my head mournfully, not ready to tell him what was going on. My mind hadn't even been able to fully process what was going on. I just wanted... needed time alone. "Johnny, please just go."
"But--"
"No, Johnny. Just... just go. I need some time alone, ok?"
"I don't know..."
"Just a couple of hours, alright? You can come back tonight."
He opened his mouth again to say something but stared into my eyes and shut it again. Gently he took his arms off my shoulders and walked past me, slipping on his shoes. "Tonight then?"
I sighed in relief. "Yes, thank you Johnny."
With a sad look he shook his head and walked out the door. I dropped onto the bed, tears flowing down my face so quickly I could literally feel my eyes swelling up. I sobbed and gasped for breath, not thinking the tears or the pain would ever stop. Maybe not even wanting them to stop.
I didn't notice him still standing in the room until I cleared his throat.
Through blurry eyes, I sat up and looked at Jimmy as he stood silently in the doorway. I shut my eyes, a headache quickly developing into a throbbing pain the back of my head - a physical manifestation of the pain I was feeling in my heart. When I opened them back up again, the door was shut and Jimmy was sitting the bed next to me.
The situation naturally unnerved me... me, alone in a room with a man I hardly knew. Although, I could only play off on the "stranger" story for so much longer. Soon enough I would finally have to acknowledge that Jimmy... and his buddies, were acquaintances. Perhaps even friends.
Well, maybe not Matt after what happened this afternoon.
Either way, unnerved or not, irrational or not, I found myself melting into the arms that had wrapped themselves around me. He said nothing and I said nothing, as was usual for us. He just held me as I wept harder than I ever had before.
It felt like a part of me was dead... something that could never be revived. I thought Nat was my soul mate - the one person that I was destined to spend the rest of my life with. And he had told me that I was his. If I was his soul mate, then why was he with someone else? Some other girl? Someone who didn't and couldn't love him the way I could. The way I still did. This was all my fault, wasn't it? If I hadn't come out here, we'd still be together. There would be no Stephanie answering your telephone. On a Sunday. When you're supposed to be in church. He skipped church for her. He never skipped for me. Was she prettier than me? Probably. It wouldn't take much to accomplish that. Was she smarter, nicer, showed him more love? Did she love him? No, there's no way she could love him more than I did.
We stayed like that for a half hour. None of the guys outside bothered to interrupt us... lord only knows what they thought was going on inside the hotel room. They had probably left by now, thankfully. Johnny would probably be mad at me when he came back later tonight. I kicked my own step-brother out but let Jimmy stay.
Eventually the tears stopped falling down my face. The hiccupping and sniffling stopped and I was finally able to compose myself. Nothing about the situation had changed. I still didn't know what to think or what to do. I guess I just ran out of tears to cry.
I never thought that was possible.
His arms were still wrapped tightly around me, rubbing my back lightly, and I still clung to him. As I was beginning to calm down and reclaim my sense, this all felt a bit awkward and uncomfortable. And that's what made me eventually pull away from him and the comfort that I couldn't deny feeling as I sat curled up in his arms. I could feel his eyes boring into me and I hung my head to avoid them. He would expect me to say something, wouldn't he? Some form of explanation that I just couldn't muster up. A long, skinny finger with chipped black nail polish reached out and touched my chin, lifting it up so I was forced to look at him. The skin to skin contact made me shiver... it felt wrong, like I was doing something bad.
Although I suppose I had nothing to feel bad for. I was no longer in a relationship, was I? Nat made that decision for the both of us.
The rough finger was still pressing on my chin as he looked at me blankly; patiently. I opened and closed my mouth repetitively, trying to find my voice and the proper words. He must've sensed the struggle I was having and spoke first. "You don't have to explain anything if you don't want to."
I nodded gratefully.
"I'm going get going... are you going to be ok?"
Again, I nodded.
The bed shifted as he stood up and I suddenly felt very lonely again. A more composed lonely this time though. Like I was going to be ok. I'm going to be ok.
"See ya later Faith."
Summoning all the courage I could, I forced myself to look up at him. I tried to smile and show my appreciation for his... help, but I don't think the smile came out correctly. So I forced myself to speak. "Bye Jimmy. Thank you."
- 5
- 6
- 7
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All We Are is Memories