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Until You Lose Your Breath	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 1741 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
- 5
- 6
- 7
Nobody was late the other morning. Only Kyo arrived five minutes past eight. So they all went straight to Shinya’s ward. The drummer was still asleep. They sat around his bed and started to wait. Kaoru brought strong coffee for everyone and asked a nurse some medicine for Kyo’s headache.
Only almost after two hours Shinya finally awakened. He slowly opened his eyes and started at the ceiling for some seconds.
-Good morning sleepy head, -Kaoru said and Shinya turned to look where the voice came from.
-Shinya! I was so scared! –Toshiya screamed, jumped to the bed and embraced Shinya tightly. Kaoru allowed it for some seconds then pulled Toshiya away.
-Don’t hurt him, Totchi.
-Am I in… -Shinya started to speak but Kaoru interrupted.
-Yes, you’re in the hospital. Die found you in the toilet and called the ambulance immediately. You’re going to be alright, Shin-chan.
Shinya stared at Kaoru for some time then he slowly lifted his hand and touched his left cheek but all he felt were bandages. His hand somehow went farther and he touched the forehead. Shinya’s face grew even sadder when he felt that there was no hair on his head.
-They’ll grow back, don’t worry, -Kyo reassured him silently.
-I must look horrible…
-You look tired and beaten, but you’re still our pretty doll, -Toshiya smiled.
-Not any more… -Shinya whispered. Tears started to run down his cheeks.
-You haven’t even seen yourself, -Kaoru tried to lighten the mood. –Maybe when they’ll take the bandages off you’ll see that it’s not that bad.
-You think so?
-Sure! You’ll just have to wait and be patient.
That helped at least to stop the tears. Shinya put his hand down on the bed again and sighted.
-I thought they were going to kill me…
-Shinya, everything’s over now, -Kyo said and smiled sadly at him. –If I could only have a possibility to lay my hands on those bastards, I’d…
-Don’t you do anything, Kyo! –Shinya suddenly got alarmed. –You’d only get into trouble!
-Uh… OK.
Shinya looked at some spot for some time and his eyes accidentally fell on Die. For a moment he just looked at him, then turned his head to other side and said:
-Could you please now leave me alone? I feel so tired, I’d like to sleep for a while.
-Sure, Shin-chan, -Toshiya said. –But we’ll come after lunch and we’ll bring you something delicious to eat, ok?
-Yeah, thanks.
But the other times they came, Die did not join them. He saw that Shinya was going to be just fine, so he said he’ll better take care of the band business.
***
They kept Shinya in the hospital for more than a week. The work slowed down because of it and Kaoru really started to worry if they’ll manage to start the recording of new album on time.
But still there were good news. The two foreigners were finally caught and deported back to their home country straight to the arms of the policemen. It appeared that they were already in the lists of the dangerous criminals. The other good news was that Shinya’s bandages were finally being removed. All other band members came to the hospital on that day. After this procedure they were going to drive Shinya home.
-I wonder how Miyu has been doing. Did you behave yourself nice with her?
-Of course! –Toshiya tried to look offended. –She’s already at your apartment. I left her there this morning.
-Thanks.
The doctor finally came and the procedure started. Doctor didn’t say much, he only prescribed the medicine to lubricate Shinya’s cheek and went away wishing him to sooner get completely well. Shinya turned to look at the other band members. The expressions on their faces made Shinya suddenly feel worried.
-Is it that bad? –he finally managed to ask. He looked at Die. Die’s expression showed only astonishment and fear. –Please, give me a mirror…
It was Kyo who finally managed to move and bring Shinya a small pocket mirror. Shinya took it with a slightly trembling hand and raised the mirror in front of his face. For some time he just started at himself them suddenly threw the mirror aside and buried his face in his hands. His body started to shake from crying.
-I’m ugly… ugly…
Kyo sat next to him and hugged Shinya. At first the drummer tried to shove him away but Kyo didn’t let go and Shinya surrendered. Nobody could say anything to comfort him. The scars really looked bad. Especially the one on Shinya’s lips. It cut them apart almost at the middle. And it also did not grow back together but left two deep holes in both lower and upper lips. The absence of hair only made everything worse.
It was a long and tiring day. They managed to calm Shinya down and take him home. Toshiya and Kaoru stayed with Shinya for the night. They couldn’t manage to persuade him to come to work next day. But Kaoru didn’t persist. He decided to give Shinya as much time as he needed.
***
Shinya tried not to look in the mirror. But he always ended sitting in front of it and looking at himself for hours until somebody came to visit him after the work ended. It was usually Kyo. Die didn’t come. Not since the only time he visited Shinya in the hospital on the bandage removal day.
He remembers… He remembers that night in the club and despises me now… That’s why he ignores me. And now that I’m so ugly… Nobody will ever want me… He’ll never want me… How can he look at me now when I’m so ugly…
Shinya sighted. He could no longer cry. He cried for weeks now and the tears wouldn’t come up any more. At least the hair started to grow up. He’ll step outside his apartment only when he’ll be able to cover his face with long strands. For now Kyo provided him food and there was nothing more he needed.
Kyo didn’t talk much when he came. He usually only got angry seeing that the food was almost untouched. He was worried about Shinya. Told him to eat, to stop pitying himself.
But Shinya didn’t listen. He only sat there and looked down at his arms thinking that now Die would never again call him pretty…
***
-The break is over, where the fuck is our vocalist? –Kaoru angrily scolded.
-He’ll come soon, relax, -Toshiya said.
-Hn… By the way, tomorrow I’ll let you go home earlier.
-Why? –Die asked.
-Ah, I… I have some other plans.
-What do you mean? Something more important than work? –Toshiya got interested.
-Oh, I know, it’s about your girlfriend, -Die guessed. And when Kaoru didn’t answer, he laughed. –I’m right!
-Why so secretive, tell us, -Toshiya was curious as ever.
Kaoru looked around quickly then turned to the others again.
-I’m thinking of… you know, I just thought that maybe it’s the right decision, I’m not getting younger you know…
-What are you talking about?
-She’s a nice woman, pretty, smart and all… I think I’ll ask her to marry me.
-Are you serious?! –Die’s mouth dropped.
-Yes.
-But you’ve been together only for… for some months.
-We don’t need to get married tomorrow. First we can be engaged for some time.
-Do you really want this? –Die asked.
-Yes. I’m fed up with being alone. I want to have somebody waiting me at home when I come.
-But it’s a serious decision, -Toshiya said. –Are you sure about it?
-Yes. I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.
Everyone felt silent. After some more minutes Kaoru spoke again:
-Really, where is he? Let’s start because only God knows when that little devil is going to show up!
***
Toshiya stayed after work with Kaoru for some more hours. There was a lot of work to do before the recording and the time was running out. He finally went home only late in the evening. But when he was already in his car, the phone suddenly rang.
-Moshi, moshi!
-Toshiya, it’s me, Shinya.
-Hi, Shin-chan!
-I was wondering if you are busy tonight…
-Um, no. Did something happen?
-Well… no, but I wanted to ask you to do me a favor.
-Sure! What is it?
-Well, you see, Kyo was supposed to come today and bring some dog food for Miyu, but he didn’t come. I tried calling him but the phone was turned off. I wouldn’t bother you, but there’s no dog food any more and she doesn’t eat anything else and…
-It’s ok, Shin-chan, I’ll be at your place in an hour, ok?
-Yes, thank you.
-Ja nee…
Toshiya put the phone aside and thought for a moment. Something really was not right. Kyo wouldn’t forget his promise to Shinya. Shinya helped him so much that it was obvious that Kyo felt to be in dept to him. But today Kyo was really… not like he usually was. He looked like he’s not here but is lost in his thoughts and was completely in ignorance about the work and constant Kaoru’s shouting.
Toshiya thought that he might also visit Kyo tonight. He knew the man well because they used to live together. And he was aware that after Kaoru left him Kyo was very depressed and sad. It looked like he was recovering from the depression but today it seemed like Kaoru left him just yesterday.
It was really a good idea. Kyo needs company and tonight it will be Toshiya.
***
Toshiya got out of his car and went into the building. He still thought about Shinya. Poor guy looked really sad. He just took the dog food and even didn’t invite him to come in. It looked like he really didn’t care about anything at all.
Toshiya sighted. It was a hard day. He stopped at the door and knocked. But as he touched the door with his hand, the door opened by themselves. It was not properly closed. Toshiya stood there for a moment thinking what to do then pushed the door and stepped into the apartment.
-Kyo! –he called. –It’s Toshiya! Can I come in?
There was no answer. Maybe Kyo went out. But he wouldn’t forget to lock the door. It’s not like him.
-Kyo! –Toshiya tried calling again. He looked around but there was no light so he decided going to the living room. When he stepped into the room he turned on the lights and froze to the spot. Kyo was lying on the ground in a pool of blood. His hands were cut in many places, there was a knife lying near his right hand. Two empty bottles of some alcohol were next to him.
Toshiya managed to make his legs move and he came next to Kyo.
Please, don’t let him be dead… please, don’t let him be…
He just looked at Kyo trying to understand if the man was alive. Kyo suddenly moved his head making Toshiya flinch. He still was alive! Toshiya got his phone and called the ambulance. He didn’t know how he managed to explain everything and he didn’t even comprehend when he finished the call, but he found himself looking at the vocalist again.
Kyo groaned from pain. Toshiya stroked his cheek with trembling fingers. They were already bloody. Blood has soaked through Kyo’s clothes and there was a big amount of it on the floor. Toshiya felt that he was crying. He wanted the ambulance to come now, Kyo might die just lying here!
Toshiya gently embraced Kyo’s head and waited.
***
It was an early morning. Toshiya with a cup of strong coffee sat in the lobby waiting for other band members to come. He was still in the same clothes as yesterday, just now they were red from Kyo’s blood. The first one to come was Kaoru. He rushed in and looked around. Seeing Toshiya he came up to him and asked:
-How is he?
-Still sleeping.
Kaoru sat down and put his head in his hands.
-I don’t understand… -he whispered.
They didn’t talk any more. Toshiya called Kaoru that night and told him what happened. But he insisted that he and other band members would come only in the morning because doctor said that Kyo would not die. Toshiya found him just in time. So there was no need coming at the hospital at night and waiting until the morning till Kyo woke up. So they agreed to meet in the morning. Kaoru promised to call others and tell what happened.
Toshiya himself decided to stay in the hospital. He was too shocked and scared to go home. He was allowed to stay in Kyo’s ward. Toshiya couldn’t fall asleep. He only watched the sleeping vocalist almost all night. Though he knew that Kyo would live, he still was very scared. The only thought that wouldn’t leave his head was the “why” question. He didn’t know the answer.
-Hi!
Toshiya and Kaoru flinched because they didn’t hear anybody approaching. They looked up and saw Shinya.
-Shin-chan! What are you doing here? –Toshiya was very surprised.
-I came to see Kyo, of course!
-I thought you said you wouldn’t come out of your apartment until you had long hair again?
-What nonsense! I would never leave him in such situation! –Shinya looked offended. He didn’t manage to say anything more because Die appeared at his side.
-Hi!
-Well, as we are all here, let’s go to his ward then, -Kaoru said and stood up. They were silent on their way. Shinya glanced at Die but Die was not looking at him. Kaoru looked extremely worried and tired. Shinya sighted and followed Toshiya not looking around any more.
They stepped in and stood next to the bed. Their eyes fell on the sleeping vocalist. Kyo’s hands were all bandaged up to his elbows. If not that, he’d look normal and not hurt at all.
-Why did he do this? –Die asked the question that was on everyone’s mind. But nobody knew the answer.
-Let’s better make ourselves comfortable, -Toshiya said. –He might not wake up soon.
But they didn’t have to wait long. After some time Kyo groaned and opened his eyes. For a moment he just lied there, then tried to lift his hand and rub his face but the hand fell down again and Kyo’s face screwed from the pain. He groaned again, this time loader.
-Don’t move your hands, -Toshiya said and came next to him. –It’ll only hurt more.
Kyo turned his head and saw that his band members were here.
-Where am I? –he asked.
-In the hospital, -Toshiya answered.
-Why? What happened?
-What? You don’t remember?
Kyo shook his head. Then closed his eyes because a wave of pain struck him again.
-Could somebody give me some painkillers? My head throbs and hands hurt like hell.
-That is because you cut them with a knife, -Kaoru said.
Kyo opened his eyes and looked at him.
-I did what?
-You tried to kill yourself. If Toshiya wouldn’t have thought of visiting you last night, you’d be in the morgue now.
Kyo looked at him for a moment thinking hard.
-You don’t remember? –Die asked.
Kyo turned his head away still thinking. After some time he finally spoke:
-I remember going home and drinking. I remember that I drank a lot… and…
He fell silent, then turned to look at the guys and added:
-That’s all I remember.
-You must be kidding! –Die didn’t want to believe him.
-But you still must remember why you tried to do it in the first place, -said Shinya. Kyo looked at him and then said:
-I don’t. I was completely drunk. It’s the only reason. I can’t remember a thing.
-But… -Toshiya seemed not to believe him either.
Kyo looked down at his arms.
-There’s no point in living… as there is no point in dying, -he whispered. –I’m really glad that you decided to visit me, Totchi.
Nobody said anything more. Kaoru’s face was blank, Die and Toshiya looked puzzled and Shinya didn’t seem to believe Kyo’s words.
-Can someone get me at least a tablet of aspirin? –Kyo suddenly pleaded. –I can’t take all this pain any more…
Kaoru went away to hunt for the drugs. When finally the nurse brought it and injected into Kyo’s shoulder, the man closed his eyes and drifted back to sleep.
***
Shinya was on his way out of the hospital. Kyo was still sleepy and very tired so there was no point in staying longer today. The doctor reassured them that they’ll keep an eye on him all the time.
-Shinya! Wait!
Shinya stopped and turned around. Die caught up with him.
-Awful morning, nee…
-Yes.
They started walking again.
-I wonder why he did that… -Die said. –You have to be crazy to slit your wrists with a knife. It must hurt like hell.
Shinya didn’t say anything. They walked like that for a while until they reached the parking lot.
-Shin-chan…
Shinya stopped and looked at Die.
-I want to talk with you.
Die suddenly looked very serious.
-I’m very, very sorry.
-For what?
-For teasing you that night in the club. If I wouldn’t have done that I wouldn’t have made you cry and you wouldn’t have ended all beaten and with these… scars.
-It’s not your fault I look like that.
-But I feel like it’s my fault. Please, can you forgive me?
-I am not angry on you for teasing me, Die. I got used to it.
-No, you didn’t. I’ve never seen you cry before. If you’d be used to it by now, you wouldn’t have reacted like that. Why did you cry?
Shinya looked away and didn’t say anything.
-Shin-chan, please, say the truth. Just this time. I want to hear the truth.
-What truth, Die?
-You… you got hard because of me. Do you find me attractive?
Shinya looked away and for some time didn’t say anything. But Die waited patiently.
-Yes, Die. I find you attractive.
Silence again. Shinya turned to look at Die.
-So what? –he asked.
Die just looked at him.
-I know I get on your nerves, -Shinya continued. –I know that sometimes you can’t stand me. But please, don’t tease me like that again. Is it so hard to do? I understand that maybe it was fun to make fun of me but…
-So, you… like me?
-Stop this, Die, -Shinya pleaded tiredly. –I hope that now when I am ugly…
-You’re not ugly!
-I am! Who would ever want me when I look like that?! –Shinya’s voice rose dramatically.
-You’re still the most beautiful person I’ve ever known.
-It’s not funny, Die!
Shinya turned away and hurried to his car. Tears were already running down his cheeks. He somehow managed to get in his car and drive away before Die reached him.
He didn’t regret telling Die that he finds him attractive. It was obvious one way or another. He betrayed himself that night in the club. But it is only the half of the truth. The real truth is that he loves Die.
He loves him.
I love him…

TBC

Author Comment: Leppgirl – the only soldier standing in the field – thank you for your efforts not to make this story seem to be without any readers! LOL ^^
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Until You Lose Your Breath