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Crimson blue	By : weelow Category: Dir en grey > General Views: 1685 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
Notes: I had to listen some pretty aggressive music while writing this. Yeah, that's what I have to say about following chapter.
Chapter 8 is going to be a really important one for Die and Kaoru so if I know myself at all it's going to take so time to write or then I'm updating tomorrow. It depends on my writing mood.
But please, tell me do you like/hate/want to forget this piece. Thanks for earlier r&r!

Crimson blue

Chapter 7: It's me.

Kisaki squeezed his cigarette so hard it crushed into his palm leaving the scent of dry tobacco drifting around the bar desk.
It was such a stupid idea coming here. He had had it all figured. All calm faces and lines which he was ready to use if needed. He had just wanted to see all old places again.
When Kisaki started to scratch the surface of his thoughts he was able to see he had wanted to see some old faces too. It was not so easy to let go of somebody whom you’re in love with.
Just like Die had said to him. Switching off one’s feelings was a task not so easy to handle. The thing he had failed to forget didn’t mean that he hadn’t tried. He had. He just wasn’t strong enough.
And now everything came back. He saw the scenes which proved that he had been right this whole fucking time! He had known it for so long time. And they tried to deny it. They were so stupid.

Die reached for Kaoru’s hand and the rage started to slowly rose inside of Kisaki.
First it climbed from his chest strangling his neck. Slowly it struggled its way up to Kisaki’s cheek and forehead.
His temple felt like it was on fire. Kisaki pressed his fist shut.
Burning moved behind his eyes and suddenly he was forced to lower his gaze from the pair standing further because hot tears dimmed everything.
No fucking way! I’m not going to cry in front of them! Kisaki thought and dried his eyes angrily. Those fucking bastards! Those god damned liars. Those spoiled little mama’s brats. They had it all now. He had nothing. They had taken it all from him. Very funny, so fucking funny indeed.
It wasn’t fair.

‘The world ain’t fair and it had never been supposed to be’, the little voice inside of him said calmly. He just fell for someone and burned his fingers. Nothing more.
‘But why fucking way me? Why did it have to come to this? That I’m the one hurted?’ anger grow again.
‘Little Kisaki can’t have it all. Little Kisaki can’t have even a half of it. And that’s the way it goes until the world ends. It’s your time to open your eyes. We’re not on dad’s backyard anymore. You’re playing on the adult’s world now,’ the calm voice trolled inside of his brains and made the vein in Kisaki’s temple pulsate.

‘Shut the fuck up! First you make them famous and then they kick you out of the band. You were the leader and they kicked you out. They should be kissing the ground below your feet! And when you’re in love with this dude he goes and gives his attention to everyone else but you. Then he holds the hand of very man who can get eve-rything in this world with just a blink of an eye! And what do you get? Assaults!’

“Whore,” he whispered eyes glued to Die.
Go on, kiss everybody else also. Every passer-by who happens to cross your way.
You took really good care of wiping me away, now did you? You think you can pass me so easily? He’s just Kisaki. Let’s ignore him, shall we? Let’s say we have nothing so he can crawl before us, then leave him and start making out in front of everyone.
You fucking stupid ignorant cold-hearted shit! You want to laugh at me? Let’s see who’s the last one laughing.
Because if I can’t have you…

*

It was about four a clock when Kyo stepped outside from the club’s glass door to the fresh night air. The change from the hot and smoky to the pure and cold was overwhelming and it made the blonde blink his eyes. Little tears were pressed from the corners of his eyes by the breeze.
Kyo shook his shoulders to lose the coldness and started to walk to the taxi post.
Then he heard the rushed steps behind him and someone pulled him to the side-street. Surprised voice es-caped from Kyo’s lips.
“What the fuck?” he yelled but recognized then the familiar figure standing before him. He smelled alcohol.

“How long have you known?” Kisaki asked.
“Where did you come from? And known what? What are you talking about?” Kyo sounded annoyed.
Kisaki sighed angrily. So, this was his precious little vocalist talking to him? His everything? The greatest voice he had ever invented? They have taught Kyo to despise him?
“I asked you a question. Don’t play ignorant. I’m done with people playing games with me. How long did you know about those two?”
“Kisaki,” Kyo said slowly sighing, “I have no idea what are you talking about.”
“Don’t try to deny. I feel so tired of this all and you’re still torturing me? How can you be so cruel, Kyo?” Kisaki hanged his head.
“Go home Kisaki. You’re too fucking drunk to have this conversation.”

The silence landed between them.
“What did you say?” Kisaki asked slowly.
Kyo watched the dark-haired man closely and took a step backwards.
Not this. Go away Kisaki. Leave it here. Don't make me do things. I'm not yours anymore.

“You are going nowhere!” Kisaki screamed and attacked Kyo so fast he did not have time to dodge, scream or watch for his balance. Kyo’s head hit the brick wall and after his eyes cleared again he felt something warm flowing down at the back of his skull. He realized Kisaki was leaning to his chest so heavily it gave him trouble breathing.
“Let me go,” Kyo whispered.

“You were so important to me. La’Sadies was so important. It was my dream, just like yours,” Kisaki spoke to Kyo’s jacket but he was able to hear the words.
“Don’t you remember how we talked about it. We would form a band and play our own songs, compose as we liked, sing as we liked and perform as we liked.”
“Yeah, I remember.” It had been the happy time, those golden days which you cherish until you die and bore your grandchildren before that.
“We used to plan things, silly things. Like what we were about to drink after our big live in Osaka-hall or what we would want to engrave to our gravestones. And we used to practise our autographs and interviews. That was stupid, right?”
“That was. We were only kids.”

“So why did you turn your back on me?” Kisaki looked straight into Kyo’s eyes and he was crying.
“Kisaki…” Kyo said alarmed.
“You left me alone. We were supposed to be band and go to people together. You said you wouldn’t let go this time. Not as long as La’Sadies was so high quality.” Kisaki squeezed Kyo’s jacket and his voice got louder.
“We changed. Humans change. It’s not anyone’s fault,” Kyo tried to calm the other.
“I’m so alone now. You have everything.”’
“What? No we don’t,” Kyo answered and felt the Kisaki’s hold tightening.

“Why do you keep saying that? Keep saying no to everything I say,” Kisaki’s voice arise and started to crackle.
“What…?” Kyo asked disbelieved.
“Keep arguing with me. Keep irritating me. Little Kisaki is so easy to provoke. So easy to make fun of. Beat him down and spit on him. Let’s see if he still gets up.”
Kyo’s round eyes stared at the man who rock from side to side.
“Traitor.”
Kisaki threw him like a garbage to the ground.

Kyo started to tremble.
Kisaki came to him and screamed:
“I’m not so easy!”
His fist hit Kyo’s face and something sticky and warm flooded down from Kyo’s nose.
“Don’t you dear to think I forget so easily! You were my creation. And from point you are mine forever! You are not allowed to say no to me because you owe me some respect you fucking coward!”
Kisaki’s rage was somewhere beyond the rationality and he kicked Kyo’s body as hard as he could.

Kisaki stopped and leaned his hands to his knees to catch a breath from exercise and long sobs running away from his lips. Still he managed to gather some more powers to yell.
“So stop playing Die’s and that bitch Kaoru’s lapdog and answer me! How long?”
Kyo was laying on the ground and he trembled again.
First it sounded like cry of sorrow, pain or agony but then Kisaki realized it was laugh. Kyo’s shoulders shud-dered from twisted, terrible laugh.

Short man rose his face to see Kisaki’s terrified expression. Kyo’s nose had obviously broken because the nose-bleed wouldn’t stop. His whole face was all red, eyes glimmering and grisly shriek between rage and laugh freeze Kisaki’s heart.
“You’re so selfish! You can’t have Die, you can’t have our band and you can’t have me. Not anymore.” Kyo barked spitting blood.
“You think I’m going to follow you and your orders? That time is over. You have no control over here Kisaki.”

Dark haired man overturned Kyo to the ground and grabbed his jacket again.
“You listen to me now. And listen carefully because I’m going to say this only once. Here’s a plan. A very good plan you should consider. Follow this and maybe you’ll get on stage someday. You stop that shit talk right now. And after that you go and talk to Die. Say you must change the band and the city. That you were so much better when I was around. Or that you can’t write your lyrics and your having a lack of inspiration. Or whatever, really I don’t care. But you go and make sure Die understands. Then you come to me and you two move from this city living with me. And maybe you little sucker have a chance to sing again.”

It was like Kyo had a some sort of stroke because he started to laugh so much Kisaki was having troubles stay-ing on top of him.
“Oh stop Kisaki. Really, I’m dying of laughter! You’re so fucking funny.”
A vein on other man’s forehead pulsated and his closed fist hit Kyo again.
“Do as I say!”
Kyo’s laugh had stopped when his head flopped down. Instead a little snicker ran from his lips when he turned to face Kisaki again. Tired voice said to him:
“Fuck off Kisaki.”

Slowly Kyo started to laugh again. Kisaki rose away looking the little bloody man on the ground. He stepped away and backed off from jolting man. His eyes were expressionless when he walked away hearing the weird laughter in his ears.
The calm voice in his head said:
‘Now you’ve been failed with everything. You are nothing, Kisaki. No one loves you. No one appreciates you. You have no power over here. You can’t control even yourself. You’re so pathetic.’
And Kisaki knew it was the truth.
Somehow he knew if he now would turn around and apologize Kyo the little man would maybe let him call an ambulance and accompany him to the hospital but he would not smile or thank him. He would not say a word to him. He would rock from side to side but he wouldn’t let Kisaki to support him.
If would fall on his knees because of dizziness he would hit his hand away if he’d tried to help.
And it would be the right thing to do.

Kisaki continued walking although he knew it was not the right thing to do. But sometimes you just can’t force yourself doing things even if you know how important or urgent they are.
Kisaki just wouldn’t bear to look to Kyo’s eyes. He would see his dirty soul watching back.
Still he loved his little friend. Kisaki stopped and swung because of irresolute.
Then he dig his mobile and plucked the number of emergency guard duty.
“How can I help you?” the voice said.
“This is… I saw this man. His on the alley, pretty beaten up fellow,” Kisaki said and added the address.
“Okay, what’s your name? Are you okay?” the voice asked.
“No… I don’t think I am,” Kisaki’s voice shivered and a long sob cut off his breath.
“Hello? Mister?” the guard duty voice said but Kisaki couldn’t hear it anymore.

He didn’t see where he was going. People on the streets looked at him and dodged his path.
Then he just sat at the bench and cried.
That kind of a cry when there’s not enough air to breath and you just wait for to know which attempt of inhaling is your last one.

*

But he did not suffocate to his sobs and tears, though it would have been so much easier. Because it’s this guilty you have to bear. Things you have done or things you haven’t. There should be some kind of patter be-hind it all so you could stand behind it all and say: Yes, I did it. It was me. And after that be ready to handle it all especially inside of your head.
And even if you wish some things to be undone you should be able to at least say it.

Kisaki sat with his mobile on his hand.
He remembered the numbers quite well although he wouldn’t have needed to. Die’s name and number was on his phone with every other friend of his but Kisaki didn’t want to test his luck if he some day couldn’t remember so he had memorized it.
He raised the phone to his ear heart bouncing like mad.
It rang quite long and Kisaki guessed Die stared the screen, saw that it was he who was calling and just stood there and tried to make up his mind whether to answer or not.

“Yes?” He finally answered and Kisaki recognized the annoyance in Die’s voice.
“It me.”
It sounded stupid, of course it would be him calling from his phone, but Kisaki didn’t know anything else to say.
The silence landed between them.
“What do you want,” Die finally said.
“I… I just wanted to call and…” ‘hear your voice’ circled in Kisaki’s head but instead of saying it he muttered: “say hi.”
“Just that? You have nothing else to say?”’
“Sure! I mean, I want to apologize.”
So he had just said it. It wasn’t so hard. But it was only the beginning.

“Apologize…” Die repeated.
“Uh, yes. I mean, I have been so stupid and… and I know that nothing I say can make things better.”
“You got that one right,” Die said silently.
“Yeah…But I was drunk. And I didn’t mean those things that I said. And I wouldn’t have ever wanted to harm Kyo. It just happened,” Kisaki babbled and it felt like everything he said made the situation worse.
“Your calling to the wrong man.”
Kisaki shut his mouth.
“It’s the Kyo you should be calling. He is the one who decides whether to forgive you or not.”
Kisaki was glad Die spoke to him, even the things like that.
“Because I know I can’t…”
Wait a minute. Did Die just say he wasn’t able to forgive him? Ever?
“Kisaki. Don’t call.”
And Die was gone.

Kisaki sat his mobile on his ear hearing the ‘beep’ sound of the phone mouth opened to say something. Maybe something stupid. Anything at all.

*

Things you do and things you don’t. Things that can be forgiven and things that can’t be. And then there are things you have to evaluate are you ready to forgive them to yourself.
He had crossed the line and there was no turning back.
It was like this road you must continue walking because your legs keep going. You can turn your head to look things that have happened before but you can’t return to them.
And time keeps still flowing, even if it feels on your little road that it sometimes stops and everything darkens.
Time, sweet relief, doesn’t stop. It smoothes your mind and heals slowly. It’s human nature not recalling bad happenings.

Kisaki knew he couldn’t blame Die or anyone but himself.
Now he had to manage with himself and shut that certain part of his lie away from him. After working long with the guys it felt so bad, just like someone was cutting one of his limbs off.
He wouldn’t have wanted to do that. He would have liked to keep them close, beg for them to forgive, crawl and cry if needed. He was ready to do that all and forget what he was but he didn’t.
Because it was them who wanted him to leave.
So he would do it, cut his limb off. It would hurt but with time it would heal.

And with time he would forgive himself. Someday somewhere.
- 6
- 7
- 8
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Crimson blue