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I Hate How Much I Love You	By : YoshikiLove Category: J-Rock/J-Pop & K-Pop > X Japan Views: 1869 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of XJapan. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
I DO NOT OWN X JAPAN! hide, Yoshiki, or anything else in this story.
~~~Without ever turning~~~~
Without ever turning around… I know what he looks like.
I remember it… I still do it. We’ve practiced for hours. The stage lights are set to perfection. My guitar is hooked up to speakers that will let it be heard over thousands of screams… My fingers are twitching, ready to go! I know every song… Every word… every beat of the drum behind me.
I know during that whole concert, I am absorbed in the fans… My life goes away. My lack of anything but this goes away, but even in my happy place, you never go… I’ll see the people, love them when they SCREAM for me “hiiiiide, hiiiiiiiide!!!!”
…. And still… I want to turn around and see your face. I know from the videos, and the few times I turn, that you may have sweat dripping off of every strand of your hair… But you’ll be the universe. Hair flying, your entire body… slamming into the drums, like a missed beat would mean the end of you…
Without ever turning around… I knew you didn’t look back.
Sure… you’d stare right at me, smile… Give me a moment of your explosive energy. Share that happiness flowing through your system… and share the tears of knowing you’d have to get off stage… but you never looked at ME.
You looked at a guitarist… You looked at a business friend. You never saw me, not like you saw Toshi. You never just saw me! I’d beg you sometimes… In my head… Hoping with every chord I played… If I turned around… Your eyes would be on me… but they never were.
Without ever turning around… I know I want you
~~~~~~~hide~~~~~~~~
He wasn’t feeling so great. Sure he’d done a lot of public things, but trashing a hotel room this bad was a new subject to chat about on Hey hey hey or something. He’d waited around in Yoshiki’s room when Taiji left, and sat around for a while longer when Toshi went to grab something to eat.
It was dumb. He should have offered to get food or something. Toshi had looked cool, patting Yoshiki’s shoulder and saying things like “I’ll get you something”. He seemed so caring. He thought he’d been acting caring, sitting around when he really just wanted a stiff one.
Yo hadn’t talked. Just stared silently at a now busted vanity. Maybe he’d have asked why he did it, if Pata wasn’t standing next to him. Or maybe he wouldn’t since his big fear would be that it was because Toshi dumped him…
Still, looking at Yoshiki so sad couldn’t have made him feel anything but bad. He wasn’t the greatest at… comforting. Yet, he still tried, Setting his hand gently on Yo-chan’s shoulder. When the blond stiffened up, he jerked his hand back, expecting to get cracked on the side of the head or something, but Yo just looked at him a moment before staring off into space again.
Had he wanted him to touch him? Had it made Yo feel better? While his head was all mixed up, Toshi came back with a bag of something or other. Hell did he know… The second Toshi walked in, Pata tugged on his sleeve. Motioning towards the door with a hand.
“Come on, friend! Lets go and get some drinks. It’ll stop you from being nervous”, Pata said with an odd, lopsided grin.
Yeah right. Pata just wanted to drink. Still…YES! Finally an excuse to get away and take a sip of something strong and memory melting… With one last glance over his shoulder at Yoshiki, he left.
~~~~~~~Toshi~~~~~~
The deli sandwich had been the only thing he could find close. The one problem about having a nice hotel for once was that there was nothing small nearby. It was all haughty stores, and business. After a short walk he’d found the small shop, and of course no one recognized him.
Toshi pulled out piece of lettuce, tossing it onto the bag. After a moment he looked at Yoshiki. He’d known the man forever, and if he knew anything about him, right now he wasn’t even thinking. Sure he looked concentrated, but he was thinking of so much, he shut off. Then there was the long blank phase, but still… He couldn’t help but be worried.
“You’re not going to eat?”, He asked softly. Toshi knew better than to try and force the silent drummer to do anything.
“……..I'm just thinking”. For the first time in awhile, Yoshiki looked at him.
Yoshiki’s hair wasn’t done up, it was soft and hung loosely around him. He was still a beautiful man though. In fact he even thought he was prettier than a woman. Yet still, the beauty couldn’t distract him from Yoshiki’s suddenly forlorn expression.
“What am I doing?… I wonder… Why I can’t always be rational.” Yoshiki whispered so softly he could barely hear him, brushing long fingers through strands of hair at the same time.
“You’re the one who said, that if you want something hard enough, you’ll get it. You just need to try right?”
What was he supposed to say? Yoshiki’s dark brown eyes, filled with sadness made his heart ache. He was his friend… He was his partner in all this crazy rock star stuff too. He always could make Yoshiki smile in the past, but suddenly it felt like he may have lost it…
He watched him think. You could tell by his facial expressions what he was thinking although no one else but him seemed to have any idea what went on in the leaders head, and right when he thought he was just going to go silent again, Yoshiki leaned back on his seat, and reached up, touching his shoulder gently with closed eyes.
“Ok Toshi… Lets prepare the conference”
~~~~hide~~~~
It really was a great day once you got out. The days usually were great though, at least weather wise. Pata was pointing out things as they went. That bastard had gone and explored last night while he’d been lame and drinking in a hotel… Or so Pata said anyway.
“There’s so many great bars, and you should know better than to drink around Yoshiki”
“I wasn’t drinking around hiiiimmm….. exactly”
“Within a mile of him”
“……..yeah, so!?”
He couldn’t help it… Sure he wasn’t some country bumpkin, and he’d been raised in a different sort of home, but he couldn’t help but feel like one with all the things on the streets. Blond and colored hair clouded his vision now and then as he shifted his head from side to side, too absorbed in everything to even notice the name of one shop. Pata laughed, jabbing him in the shoulder. That easy lazy grin on his face didn’t go away until they were in the bar.
“Hey, I’d like a jack on the rocks”, Pata had a low, but obvious way of talking. He didn’t get ignored like the people who walked into a bar, not even knowing what was on the “menu”.
By the time they had taken a seat, Pata’s drink was already on the bar, and by the time he’d ordered his, Pata was on his second.
Shesh, and he was supposed to be the partier.
“Yoshiki really flipped out last night, didn’t he? I knew he was a troublemaker, but I didn’t think he had it in him”, Pata said, swishing his glass around.
“I just wonder why Yo would do it… You know? I feel like-… ah nevermind”
“Ever wonder what it would be like to play guitar in a weird place?”
“Whaaaaaaat?”
“Like on a big X or something”
“That’s lame! I want to play it in a big cage, with sexy girls all over”
“If you do that, I better get to join in… Just because you’re older you get all the women”
“Ehhhhhh sure sure alright! I promise! But you look old enough to be my dad”
“Your dad who better one day get to play guitar in a cage with sexy women”
"You're graying all ready"
"What? No way!"
hide just smiled and downed the throat burning liquid, while Pata started checking his hair. He was the kind of friend who wouldn't pry, just changing the subject and smiling in a small, but full way. About Yoshiki though... How was he supposed to say, “I feel like I'm worthless to him”? Then what… Everyone would know, and Yo-chan still wouldn't care. Time passed pretty quickly with Pata. He would talk when you felt like talking, and didn’t mind just sitting in comfortable silence, sipping away. He was a great guitarist… But he was a great friend too.
~~~~~
Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. I mean the drinks had felt great at the time, but now they were fucking him. Or was the American term, fucking him up? Whatever. Every time he peeked through the curtains he saw all the people, and reporters, waiting for the explanation about whatever it is the crazy X Japan band had done. All those people, all ready to peck out his guts and string him along Tokyo “50 bucks per hide piece”.
Ow ow ow shit shit shit, fucking drinks.
“It’s the jack that did it!!!! SEE!? I TOLD YOU BOURBON IS BETTER FOR ME!!!”
Pata looked up from his Gibson guitar, eyes lidded low, and a slightly blank expression on his face. … Relaxed as always. That evil evil jerk wasn’t having this paaaaain!? It must have been bad liquor.
“…yeah… You’re just nervous”
“Whaaaaaaaaaat!?”
"It's like a little kid that keeps having to go pee, before Tokyo Disneyland"
"Don't compare me to a kid going to Tokyo Disneyland!"
"Do you want to go?"
"WHAAAA-"
hide's loud scream was interrupted by the screeching of the telephone. That really sounded horrible... How could you have such an annoying phone in such a nice hotel? Pata reached over and picked it up. Oh noooooo, bad feeling, bad feeeeeling. After a few moments, he hung up and smiled, pulling the strap over his shoulder and setting the Gibson down. REALLY BAD FEELING.
“Time to go”
Shit shit shit shit shit
~~~~~~I can hear you from here~~~~~~
I can always feel you…
Some people say that a drummer can’t feel anything but his own beat. That he can hear the voice… the bass…the guitar… Maybe, if he tries really hard. I always tell myself… I need to know if it sounds good! I need to hear the screams for me, the proof of what I'm doing, and so I do. I strain to hear.
My wrists ache, I hit the drums so hard… and it’s so loud. I strain… and I listen… and I may hear everything else too, but I always… I always hear you. I can feel it… each strum of your guitar. Like a blanket of perfection wrapping around me. I can feel you, reaching out… Out across the fans, out so far, no one knew were you ended.
No matter were you ended though, I knew I was where you began. I close my eyes, and see your face… Instead of the small body in front of me, posed to perfection for the world to see. I close my eyes, and I see you in that big Motley Crue T-Shirt. It’d be rumpled from sleep… and your eyes would be wide from seeing some bug in a shitty hotel, or in a shitty apartment.
“Yo!!! I don’t know how you can be so calm about it!!! What if it crawls in your hair and lays baby roaches or something?!”
hide would cling his pillow a bit tighter then. His straight brows would pinch together, and he’d have the cutest expression on his small face. For a moment, I felt tempted to run from the room screaming. Bugs in my hair weren’t a thing to joke about, but seeing that worried face, I’d smiled and said.
“Don’t they make you hungry?”
“Ewwwww Yo! That’s sick!”
I close my eyes and feel you…
God how I feel you… I wish sometimes I hadn’t chosen drums. I wish I’d chosen something that could let me be close to you, but still… I’m the center, I’m the beat, and nothing fulfills me more than throwing my soul like a hammer into them. Like thrusting all my emotion into every single pulse…
But I realized early on, if I closed my eyes… I could see you… I could hear you play, rising above the crowd, above anyone else… but even then I saw you like you were to me. That big grin on your face in the middle of the supermarket.
“Yo, if I mix this with this, do you think it’ll make green?”
“What if all your hair falls out!?”
“Oh come on! It wont! Make me rich and I can afford some real colored hair dye”
hide’s pout back then made him smile,. It made him smile now, even as he stood up and ran to the piano. He could see it burned behind his eye lids. That’s when I see you run by, and you look at me with a huge smile.
“JUST LAST A LITTLE LONGER YO-CHAN! YOU’RE GREAT!!!! EVERYONE LOVES US!!! JUST KEEP GOING!!!!”
And then you vanish for the rest of that night. I forget all of the things that had been on my mind. I only hear the crowd, and everyone playing. I give them my all, and every time I have to leave, I can feel the tears burning my eyes, dripping down my face, and touching my smiling lips.
The only reason I can let you go for those few short hours…
After briefly remembering… Just forget
Just keep going, and give everyone in the stadium my all
Is because you never once left my side
Even without the memories on my mind right then…
I can hear you from here
And after that… I smile, holding my pillow close…
Close my eyes… and see you…
I wonder why I never realized how I felt…
When my last thought before sleep was…
“Just last a little longer Yo-chan!”
~~~~~~end~~~~~~~
Reeeeviiiieewwww. If I get up to 13 reviews, I'll update within the week again. Aka only 3 people need to say something!!! 3!!!!!! Writing isn't fun unless you're being appreciated. I even like reviews from the same people for multiple chapters. Thanks to all those who have stayed with me for this long! It's thanks to you that I keep going.
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I Hate How Much I Love You