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Trying	By : totaljammer Category: J-Rock/J-Pop & K-Pop > Dong Bang Shin Ki Views: 1185 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dong Bang Shin Ki. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
Jaejoong's turn again.
Jae's POV
"You aren't the only one with your heart set on Micky, please don't hurt someone close to you." Over and over again his words twirl and spin about inside my head mocking, hurting and breaking me. Tearing my mind apart and smashing all of my foolish hope. Staring into my reflection seeing the flawed and worthless boy that I am, I cannot fault him, I see nothing attractive within myself.
"I'm so stupid." I fight the tears that creep up, I can't cry, dolls can't cry, and that's all I am. A pretty doll, nice to look at but empty inside. Anger swells up within, boiling as I focus on my every flaw, my many imperfections until the self hate fills the void inside my empty heart. I claw at my chest, this pain is all my heart has ever been destined for. Cold and distant, how could I expect anything else. No one wants something that is already broken.
I feel my control slipping away, I just want to break down and cry. Digging my nails, gouging my flesh I ignite fiery pain to stave off my tears. I won't cry, boys don't cry, ever. Knocking at the door interrupts my mantra and self mutilation.
"I don't want to talk to you Yunho." I say voice tight with anger...anger at myself for my stupidity.
"But I'm not Yunho." Changmin's voice calls out from behind my door.
"I don't want to talk to you either Changmin, you were wrong." I know my voice is full of spite, if it weren't for Changmin I wouldn't have been so stupid as to let myself hope.
"What are you saying? I'm never wrong. Open up." Changmin's voice is serious, but I'm not moved.
"No." I say in a dead voice, tone leaving no room for argument. And of course that means nothing to Changmin as he just opens the door and steps into my room.
"Jae, why are you acting so? Did something happen with Yunho?" His tone is concerned, but its too late for that now.
"No, he just told me I'm not the only one who likes Micky and that I need to be mindful of hurting those close to me." Tears well in my eyes but I fight them down. "He sounded hurt Min...how could you be wrong?" I ask pathetically voice betraying my hurt. "You are never wrong." I needed you to be right, why can't you be right?
Changmin comes over to where I'm sitting at my vanity, his face is full of worry and sympathy. I don't need sympathy, its for the weak and broken. I am neither. He takes one of my hands, I let him, I'm too drained to refuse his offered comfort.
"I'm never wrong, I know he loves you...its in his eyes whenever he watches you when you aren't looking." He seems confused, not used to being wrong no doubt.
"If...If he did once, he doesn't anymore." I'm spiteful, I wanted so badly to believe the lie. "I'm not worthy of his love, Micky will be much better to him than a cold person like me could ever be." I turn away to stare into my hateful reflection, a pretty face stares back at me, but the eyes are empty. Changmin turns my chin back to him, his eyes are full of sorrow, he seems to be reading my thoughts.
"Don't say that." His voice is full of conviction, "Don't you ever say you aren't worth loving."
"Not even my own parents thought I was worth anything! Face it Min, I'm not worth wasting your love on."
"I love you." His eyes bore into me, I feel a stirring at his words, but I quickly crush it. A ghost of a smile, hollow like me, touches my lips.
"Thanks Min, but that's not what I mean." Closing his eyes Changmin takes a deep breath and when his eyes reopen they seem as if they are filled with power.
"Yes it is, I really love you Jaejoong." Another pang hit me inside. He's sweet to try and make me feel better, I'm grateful for his love but I need a different kind.
"Don't say such a thing, what would you know of love?" Anger flashes quickly across Changmin's eyes, I didn't mean to upset him with my words.
"I know that I love you." He stops as if expecting me to say something when I don't he continues. His eyes soften, he lifts a hand to tuck a stray lock of hair behind my ear...his skin is soft. "I always have, you alone treat me normal, never babying me or talking down."
I open my mouth to argue but he silences me with fingers at my lips. "No you asked, don't you dare try and to belittle what I feel for you. You can't get me to take it back, I know its love." My mouth closes, I'm thunderstruck by the emotion in his words. I stare into his passionate eyes in a trance hanging on his every word.
"When I first saw you I knew you were special, I wanted nothing more than to see you cast away your cold shell and grace the world with your inner beauty." He smiles a slightly sad smile stroking a finger along my cheek bones. "I've also known from the beginning Yunho was your special one, he alone broke through to you without even trying." A hint of ruefulness touches his smile, "I've always been jelous of him, that he could bring out the real you and I could not. I also know that love is sacrificing your own happiness for the one you love." His finger lightly traces my lower lip. "You are the one."
I can't believe a word he's saying, I couldn't be worth him being hurt.
"I don't believe you." The tremble in my voice gives me away, he takes my face in both of his hand, turning me to him when I can't face him.
"I'll prove it." And his lips are on mine, they are soft but he is sure. He cups the back of my head weaving his fingers through my hair as he moves his lips against mine. I'm surprised at the confidence of his kiss, he's completely sure of himself as he presses his lips into mine. The pang inside is back a hundred fold, this is too much! I pull back from him breathless and scared.
"Jae." He says my name so full of love I can feel it like a knife stabbing straight into my damaged heart. "Never believe you are unworthy of love, you are worth everything I could ever give."
A chocking sob breaks free, kissed twice and told such sweet things...but it comes from the wrong person. I ache to hear Yunho utter these words, I ache for Yunho to hold me close, and it breaks me that it isn't him. I bleed inside knowing I will never hear his confession, feel his lips against mine or see love for me shinning in his eyes.
"Shhh, its okay, I'm here." Another sob escapes, but you aren't Yunho...he should be here, he should be the one holding me. "I won't leave you, not ever." I cry freely now, what I wouldn't give to hear those same words uttered from different lips. I am a selfish monster to waste Changmin's love and sweet words thinking only of what I cannot have. Looking into his eyes, they mirror my own. He knows what it is to want what you cannot have, it kills me inside to have him hurting like I am, all because of me.
"My heart is hurt, my head is spinning. I don't even know what to think anymore." Changmin smiles knowingly with just a touch of sadness in his eyes. He lovingly strokes my face and I can almost lose my self to his touch...almost pretend its another's.
"I know, I am asking nothing but for you to let me hold and help you. Let me mend your heart, that is more than I could ever wish for. Just having you as my loving friend and personal cook is enough." We share a little laugh relieving some tension, his finger traces my lips again when I fall silent. "Just seeing you smile like this, to hear your angelic laughter is enough. I want you to be happy always even if I can't be the one to inspire your beautiful smiles."
My heart cracks, completely broken by his words, words said with such honesty. I don't even try to fight my tears, his beautiful words have torn into my heart leaving it wide open.
"Min, don't say such things, I don't think my heart can handle falling in love again...not today." I say with tears streaming down my face, he smiles wiping at my tears.
"Okay I won't say anymore if you'll let me hold you. I can't take seeing you hurt alone." Laughing through my tears I can't believe that Changmin isn't doing it on purpose now.
"I told you to stop saying things that might make me fall for you." Changmin grins proudly walking me over to the bed and pulling me down on top of him so my head is resting on his shoulder.
"I am only speaking the truth." I break down completely sobbing into his shoulder.
He holds me tenderly as I cry, his fingers stroke my hair and his lips whisper soothing words. I let go in his embrace crying out my pain. I let my heart break trusting in Changmin to catch it and put it back together. After a while I calm down and sleep is pulling me away, I look up into Changmin's eyes and feel a small bit of warmth growing in my chest...
Maybe I could fall in love again....
************************************************** *****
- 6
- 7
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Trying