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Until You Lose Your Breath	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 1741 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
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-So, will you tell me now?
Shinya was standing in the hospital balcony. He drove Kyo in the wheelchair here because the vocalist wanted to smoke. Four days have already passed since the suicide attempt and Kyo could already lift his hands without suffering pain. Shinya felt a little guilty for not visiting him all this time so he agreed to take Kyo here.
-Tell you what?
-The reason of your suicide attempt. And don’t give me that “I don’t remember anything” bullshit because I know it’s not true.
Kyo looked at Shinya. The drummer almost never swears.
-Well, I don’t really remember how I ended up with a knife in my hands, -Kyo said silently. –But you’re right. I know perfectly well why I tried to kill myself.
Kyo felt silent for some time smoking. Shinya just waited for him to continue.
-I heard Kaoru say to the others that he’s planning to propose to his girlfriend.
Shinya raised his eyebrows in surprise but didn’t comment.
-But I didn’t lie when I said that I’m happy that Totchi found me in time. I was drunk. That’s why I wanted to kill myself. I wouldn’t ever do that being sober. I still have one precious thing in my life – singing. It’s already enough to live just for that. It’s just… You can’t imagine how much it hurts… It’s all so easy for him. He even never visited me again. You didn’t visit me either, -he looked angrily at Shinya. -Only Die and Totchi were here twice. It’s so boring to lie in that dammed bed!
Kyo lit another cigarette and after some time continued:
-I just felt so dammed lonely. Kaoru will get married… and I… I still love that super jerk. I went home with only one thought – to get really drunk. But all I could think about was him. I hate him so much for leaving me and causing me all this pain but at the same time I love him. And I hate myself for not being able to forget that bastard!
-I understand that too well, -Shinya said. –There’s… someone I… love but… that person would never return my feelings. And especially not now when I look like that… I know how it feels to love and don’t get anything in return.
Kyo looked at him with his eyes wide open.
-What? –Shinya asked worriedly.
-Why did you tell me this?
-I just can’t keep it to myself anymore, -Shinya whispered. –I never told this to anyone. But I loved him for years now and…
-Him?!
Shinya blushed and lowered his head.
-Yes, him.
-Do I know that guy?
-It doesn’t matter if you know him or not. I… I shouldn’t have told you this.
-It’s ok, Shin-chan, don’t worry. I’ll keep your secret, you know you can trust me.
-Yes, I know.
The silence fell again. But after some time Shinya spoke again. He just couldn’t keep it all to himself any more.
-I know he doesn’t like me. He makes fun of me whenever he finds a possibility. He would never look at me the other way. I can’t even say that we’re friends… But he’s so beautiful, and witty, and he has a gorgeous smile and…
Shinya sighted and looked at Kyo. A sad smile appeared on drummer’s disfigured lips.
-I was happy enough just being able to see him and be near him, but now… after the incident between us and after I told him that I find him attractive he’ll just despise me. It’s in his nature to tease me and to have a fling at me…
-Shin-chan, are you talking about Die?
-What?! –Shinya was shocked. –Why do you think it’s Die?
-I’m not stupid, Shinya. Anyone in the band could tell it’s Die from what you’ve just said.
Shinya just looked at Kyo not saying anything.
-So it’s Daisuke then…
Kyo smiled.
-I would have never thought about it. You two are so different.
-Don’t tell him anything, please! Promise you wouldn’t!
-I promise.
After some more minutes in silence Kyo spoke again:
-You told him you find him attractive? What did he say?
-Nothing… I guess he just was too surprised to comment or laugh at me. I think that he didn’t expect that. But it was obvious that I find him sexy, there was no point in denying it.
-To have sex with Die… Yuck!
-I wouldn’t say that Kaoru is a beauty either, -Shinya shot back. –I could never imagine doing a blow job for him!
-But you imagine doing a blow job for Die? And how come you know such words, Shin-chan?
Shinya blushed even more.
-Hey, relax, -Kyo laughed. –It’s just that I never thought that you could also amuse yourself with such an activity as sex. You seem too angelic for doing that. And yes, Kaoru may be no beauty (though he is for me) but you certainly are. Die’s very lucky he got you lusting after him.
-I’m no beauty any more, Kyo. And Die would never care about me. I would let him do anything he’d think of with me but he doesn’t need it…
-Are you sure?
-Yes.
Kyo took the third cigarette. There was nothing he could say to the drummer to ease his pain. But now they understood each other perfectly well. The silence was not uncomfortable. They both were in a similar situation and they both were experiencing similar unhappy love. Kyo felt a little better knowing hat he was not the only one having such problems.
As for Shinya, he stood looking at the sky and feeling a bit better finally sharing his secret with somebody. It was becoming unbearable for him to keep everything inside. Miyu was of no use when it came to talking about love.
***
Shinya was sitting alone at home. It was almost midnight but somehow he couldn’t fall asleep. The thoughts about Die just wouldn’t leave him. Shinya couldn’t stop dreaming how he’d spend time with him if they would be together, how they’d go to movies, eat breakfast together and make love. He knew these thoughts didn’t do him any good, but he just couldn’t stop.
When the phone suddenly rang, Shinya was very surprised. Who could call him in such a late hour? He got up and picked up the phone.
-Hello.
-Shinya, it’s me.
Daisuke…
-I want to ask you something. But first promise that you’ll tell me the truth.
-I can’t promise that. I want to hear the question first.
-No, promise me to tell the truth. Trust me…
What was all that about? What truth did Die wanted to know in the middle of the night?
-Ok, Die. The truth, -Shinya sighted preparing himself for the worst. This really wasn’t going to be something pleasant. He just knew that.
-Shinya… Are you… Are you in love with me?
Shinya stared blankly at the wall feeling that his legs started to tremble. He slowly sat on the sofa still holding the phone in his hands.
-Why do you think I might be in love with you? –he asked, trying to sound calm.
-There’s no other explanation to your recent behavior, -Die simply stated. –I was thinking a lot about it and it’s the only explanation I was able to come up with. Actually, it’s the only logical explanation to your behavior. So… are you?
Shinya felt tears running down his cheeks.
That’s it. He’s been discovered. If he’d put down the phone now without saying anything the answer would be simple – yes. Die would definitely understand it.
But he felt that he couldn’t lie. He just couldn’t. If Die now would know the truth, he’d stop the teasing. He’d not even talk to him ever.
Maybe that was the only best solution…
-Yes, Die… I love you…
For some seconds there was only silence, and then Die cut off the line.
The phone fell from Shinya’s hand. He covered his disfigured face with his hands and started to cry silently.
***
After several more days Kyo was finally released from the hospital. Toshiya took him and drove him home. It was decided that Toshiya would pick him up for work all the week because doctor forbade him to drive yet.
When they both entered the office, Kaoru, Die and Shinya were already there.
-Nice to see you, -Shinya smiled and greeted Kyo.
-They forced you to work too? –Kyo asked grumpily. Shinya just laughed and shook his head.
-No, I’ve decided to come back already. The hair is already long enough.
-What about plastic surgery operation? –Toshiya asked curiously. –Aren’t you going to have one?
Shinya’s face suddenly became serious.
-There’s no need for that. I can replace Kyo and now be the freak of the band.
-Well, thanks for the compliment, -Kyo muttered. Nobody else commented this sudden outburst of Shinya.
Shinya just went back to the table and sat. Lately he felt very angry. He wanted to look like that deliberately. At least he could now know the reason why Die wouldn’t want him. He used to be a pretty boy as Die always called him. Now he wasn’t that any more. So now Die would never ever want him. He wouldn’t even tease him and that perhaps was for the best. If Shinya is now repulsive to look at, Die would leave him in peace for good. And it was true. After the phone call he never talked to Shinya again.
-Do your hands still hurt? –Die asked Kyo.
-Just a little when they get tired, -Kyo answered. –That’s not the worst part of it all.
-What’s the worst?
-They forced me to see the psychiatrist.
-You should have gone to one a long time ago, -Toshiya giggled and got a really nasty glare from Kyo.
-Why would they do that? –Shinya asked gently.
-They gave me a choice: either I go to the psychiatrist for a month, either they send me to the special hospital.
-You mean a mad house? –Die was really enjoying this conversation.
-Yeah, -Kyo said in disgust. –So now I’ll have to see this Mr.-I-want-to-ransack-your-brain once a week. And I’ll have to tell him something. If I won’t, he won’t confirm that I’m totally alright and the doctors would never let me live in peace.
-Poor Kyo, -Toshiya smiled sympathetically. –But maybe it’ll do you something good?
-Well, it’d better do something good. I don’t want to waist several hours of my life talking to some stranger about things.
After some time the guys started working, but the break time came too fast. Kyo sat at the table and took out some bandages.
-What are you doing? –Kaoru asked.
-I have to change it once in a day.
-Do you need help?
Kyo shrugged.
-I’ve never done it on my own before. I guess I need somebody to do it for me…
Kaoru sat next to him and looked as Kyo untied the bandages from both of his hands. Kaoru looked closely at the big scars. He felt the guilt eating him. He couldn’t stop thinking that Kyo did it because of him.
Kyo lubricated his hands with medicine and Kaoru started to bandage them again. When he was done they sat in silence smoking. Kyo didn’t dare to look at Kaoru’s face because he was afraid that Kaoru would notice. It was a long time that they sat near each other like that, being able to smell the odor of perfume, being able to see some tiny wrinkles on the other’s face. Kyo sighted. He imagined some woman stroking Kaoru’s face, touching his soft hair, kissing his warm lips…
-Are you all right? –suddenly Kaoru asked. –You look pale.
-I’m fine, just… my throat hurts a bit.
It wasn’t a lie. His throat did feel sore.
-Be careful, we don’t want to loose our precious vocalist, -Kaoru smiled.
-Yeah… your vocalist…
Kaoru stubbed the cigarette and stood up. He went outside to get a cup of coffee. Kyo didn’t mind. It was too painful to be so close to him. It was too painful to see him every day at work.
It was unbearable…
***
Toshiya stood smoking in the lobby with Die. He saw Kaoru walking out of the room and followed him with his eyes.
-I wonder what they talked about, -he said.
-Perhaps nothing in particular, -Die replied.
-You think?
Die nodded.
-I’m so glad that he didn’t succeed in his suicide attempt, -Toshiya sighted. –I was so scared… he’s my friend, we used to live together… I know him well, I can see that he suffers, but even I didn’t see it coming…
-Don’t blame yourself, it’s nobody’s fault.
-It’s Kaoru’s fault! -Toshiya suddenly spat angrily.
-Don’t say that.
-Well that’s what I think. Kyo can say whatever he wants but I know it’s because of Kaoru. Kyo still loves him.
-So what? Kaoru left him, he’s not a child, and he must learn to live with that.
-What would you do if the person you loved would dump you and you would still be forced to see him every day?
-I don’t know. I’d hate that person.
-Huh… That sounds like you.
They smoked for some time in silence until Kaoru joined them with a cup of coffee in his hands.
-Where’s Shinya? –he asked.
Toshiya shrugged.
-Perhaps he went to the cafeteria downstairs.
-I wonder if I should talk to him, -Kaoru said.
-About what?
-About his decision not to do plastic operation. He can’t be serious.
-Just leave him alone, Kao. I think he’ll chance his mind.
-It didn’t look to me like that. I thought he was completely serious, -Kaoru mused.
-Why do you care? –Die suddenly asked. –Does it bother you the way he looks now?
-No, but… The photo sessions and lives… We’ll have a hard time persuading him to come on stage.
Die didn’t comment that. He thought Kaoru had a point here.
-So, better tell us how did it go? –Toshiya asked.
-What? –Kaoru looked at him puzzled.
-Your proposal!
-Oh, that… I didn’t propose to her.
-Why not?
-How could I when you phoned me being all hysterical and told me that Kyo almost killed himself! I couldn’t just pretend that nothing happened. I still care about Kyo. The fact that we were together doesn’t mean that I don’t give a damn about him after splitting up. He worries me so much lately. We didn’t even go anywhere that night because the mood was already spoiled.
-So you proposed to her later?
-No. I didn’t feel like doing that. There’s no need to hurry. There’ll be plenty of opportunities to do that when things will get better.
-Hm… Perhaps you’re right.
Suddenly Shinya appeared from the corner. He approached his band members because they were all looking at him with inviting looks.
-Shinya, -Kaoru smiled, -come here, baby!
Shinya’s eyes bulged out at hearing the leader talk like that.
-Oh, don’t be stupid, Shin-chan, -Kaoru laughed. –Come here.
Shinya approached him warily, but Kaoru grabbed him as soon as he was near enough and hugged him across his shoulders with one hand.
-My wonderful and irreplaceable drummer, -Kaoru smiled warmly. –We’re so glad that you finally decided to come back to work!
-Uh… thanks…
Shinya seemed a little shocked at this unexpected outburst of emotions from the strict leader.
-Did we ever tell you how much we need you?
-No…
-Well, from now on have it in mind, ok? Because nobody in the world could replace you for us!
-Kaoru’s right! –Toshiya giggled and suddenly was also hugging him. Shinya blushed and was at a loss for words. He glanced at Die but the guy was just standing and looking at them with a strange expression on his face.
-Daisuke, don’t you love our drummer boy? –Toshiya asked.
-Sure, -Die smiled. –Sure I love him…
Shinya looked down and for a moment thought that he’s going to loose his control and start crying right here in front of everyone, but he managed to calm down somehow. Toshiya’s remark helped him to lighten his mood:
-Shin-chan, our pretty doll, -he said and he was very serious. Shinya felt warm at seeing how hard Totchi was trying to make him feel better. And it looked like he really meant what he said. Totchi was just so naïve sometimes.
-What the hell?
Everyone turned to look at the owner of the voice. Kyo stood in the doorway looking at them all. Shinya managed to pull himself free from the arms of his band mates still blushing.
-What’s all this about? –Kyo asked curiously.
-We just showed Shinya how much we love him! –Toshiya explained. –Oh Kyo…
Toshiya wanted to jump to him and hug him as well but Kyo predicted that and recoiled from him.
-Don’t even think about it, you pervert! I don’t hug!
Toshiya just laughed.
-Yeah, sure you don’t, -he giggled.
Kyo glared at him but everyone could see a slight smile on his lips.
-Enough of this sappy nonsense, -Die said. –Let’s go back to work.
Toshiya and Kyo exchanged looks and said in chorus:
-Someone needs a hug!
-Ah! Don’t even think about it!
Kyo and Toshiya laughed. Shinya just smiled and Kaoru looked amused. The mood got better after that and they finished the day’s work feeling quite happy and for once forgetting all the problems.

TBC

Author Comment: You see what I had in mind? Too much of sap, really, too much of it… >_< I haven’t read it myself for a lot of time now, and while editing this for posting I skip through some paragraphs and it is strange for me – it’s really so different from my (beloved) Blurry Days :))) lol If I would rewrite it now, it’d be very different >_< But well, I guess I have to remind myself that this was my very first fic ever :))) It's so far away from being a strong piece of writing... >_
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Until You Lose Your Breath