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Blurry Days	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 2083 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

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I can hardly believe I’m actually really taking him home. It’s still early in the morning, but as soon as I was allowed, I came to take him. Kyo’s now sitting in the passenger’s seat, starring out the window. I can’t really see his face as his head is turned from me, but he must be enjoying the changing scenery. I can’t even imagine what it would feel like after so many months of being locked in that place to finally get out.

I drive as carefully as I can. But my hands are still trembling a bit from excitement. I can’t help it. The whole morning feels like a dream to me. I can’t believe I’m really awake, that I’m really taking him home.

His sister is coming in the evening to see how Kyo is doing, so until then we’re alone.

“I’ve prepared a room for you, Kyo. I know you’ll like it. I’m sure of it.”

It doesn’t seem like he even notices my presence at all, but today it doesn’t bother me. I’m too excited. Gosh, I want to jump and scream from joy! I haven’t felt this happy since forever… It’s truly the best thing ever since Kyo’s disappearance.

When I park my car and open the door, Kyo keeps starring the same way. I unbuckle his seatbelt and take his hand, and then pull it towards me. Kyo gets the hint immediately and stands up. He doesn’t have any belongings. His sister will bring some of his clothes from his place tonight. I actually am glad that she offered to do that. I’d like Kyo to look as normal as possible and just be himself. At least look like he used to look.

We go into the building and get into the elevator. Kyo still seems unfazed by the changes and for a moment my mood sinks down a bit. I was hoping for something… some miracle, perhaps… But then again – if Kyo is ever going to show any improvement at all, it’s going to take a lot of time for it to happen. Perhaps too much time for any of us to actually be able to patiently endure the waiting.

When I unlock the door and let Kyo in, I can’t help but still feel very excited. I was striving to take him home with myself for so long and finally it happened. Whatever is going to happen, it’s not going to get any worse. I’m positive about it.

“Here we are, Kyo-kun. Here, let me take off your shoes.”

When I take off his shoes and his coat, I undress quickly myself and guide him to the living room. I’ve got no Christmas tree this year. I was afraid of putting any objects that could potentially harm him in his reach. I’ve frown away many unnecessary figurines and all other small stupid shit that Kyo could swallow and choke. All drawers with knifes and other dangerous kitchen equipment now have locks on them. I’m not going to risk. Kyo might harm himself without intending to, so I’m not going to make it easy for him to do that.

“Here, sit down for a moment, ok? I’m going to change and bring you some comfortable clothes as well.”

It’s a bit scary to leave him alone in the living room, but I won’t be able to watch him 24/7, so I’ll have to learn. I dress as quickly as I can, but when I come back, he seems not to even have changed his position even slightly.

“We have to get you out of these fancy clothes, Kyo” I try to joke. “For now you’re going to have to be happy with my tracksuit pants and a t-shirt with a warm sweater.”

Even though I have thought through everything that I will have to do while taking care of him, I still hesitate for a moment when I actually have to undress him. But as nobody else is going to do that for me, I finally make myself to move.

I take off his jacket and then his shirt. I’ve seen him shirtless so many times that it’s almost usual to see him like that now. Though he’s much skinnier and his chest is void of any muscles he used to have. Then I take off his socks and slowly reach to undo the fly of his pants. This action feels so intimate that I lower my head avoiding his unfocused stare. To even think that all of those months some random strangers were doing this for him, makes me feel sick. It’s too private, but nevertheless, it was done by people Kyo had never seen before. It makes me sad to even think of it.

The sound of the zipper is loud in my ears. I undo the two buttons in his pants as well and then finally take them off. I can’t help but notice how small and tiny his body is. Now, exposed like this to me, Kyo seems more vulnerable and helpless than ever before and a wave of sadness washes through my whole body.

“Here we go. Now I’ll get you into something comfortable and you can rest a bit. I’m sure it was stressful for you. You haven’t been out of that place for so long.”

I manage to force myself talking. Pitying won’t do anything good for Kyo. He doesn’t need that. Especially now, when it’s going to just get better, not worse.

When Kyo is finally dressed again and I put all the things in their places, I find myself at a loss of what to do next. This feels… so weird. Kyo is here, in my living room, sitting on my sofa, but looking nothing like the Kyo that was here the last time.

Last time he was here, we were going over some band-related papers and then we ordered pizza and just talked for some time, some music channel turned on as a background. Kyo was so happy at that time. He joked a lot and smiled a lot. And I secretly watched him and thought of what it would be like if he stayed over for the night and I would find courage confessing my feelings for him. I even went so far as to really look at him when he wasn’t watching, stare at his crotch longer than was decent and think of how wonderful it would be if he said he liked me back and we would kiss, and he would let me touch him anywhere I wanted…

We were so young back then. And so naive.

Now, looking at an empty look in Kyo’s eyes I can’t stop myself from thinking that it’s never going to happen.

I will never have him the way I wanted him all those years. Willing to give his body and soul to me.

Now all I have is his body, but all I want is his soul back.

I close my eyes for a moment and make myself to throw these thoughts out at least for now.

“Let’s go to the kitchen, Kyo. I’ll make us something to eat. I bet you’ve missed decent, homemade food. I can’t do miracles in the kitchen, but at least I’m not too bad.”

I take his hand and Kyo stands up. He goes by my side to the kitchen and I sit him at the table. He chooses some spot on the right side of himself and focuses his gaze there. I start taking out the products and making us some early afternoon snack.

The silence irritates me. I look at Kyo at my kitchen table from time to time as if afraid that he would vanish. But he sits calmly, not changing his position and I finally calm down. My mood seems to change every five minutes. I just feel too many emotions at the same time. It’s too nerve wrecking for me. I’m happy and sad at the same time and I don’t know how to deal with all of these feelings.

“Oh, Kyo, you won’t believe what I’m going to tell you now” I smile and quickly throw a glance at him. “Me and Shinya think that something is going on between Die and Toshiya. You know what I mean, don’t you? But it’s so strange. I mean, Totchi is a fashion slave, thirsty for attention! And Die is so down-to-earth kind of guy. He’s very sweet and sometimes even seems to be quite dense. You know, like a guy from some village, while Toshiya is all high fashion and celebrity kind of guy.”

I think for a moment and add.

“But of course, they’re both very friendly and kindhearted people, so perhaps I’m exaggerating this too much… They both love to party, they both joke around a lot and they both are tall.”

Unexpectedly even for myself, I laugh out loud. The last bit was so stupid.

“Yeah, I know what you’re going to say, Kyo. But they’re just lucky! I’d hate if my partner would be taller than me!”

I didn’t even notice how I start talking. It seems to take my mind of other things and I again feel happy. Though when we finally sit to eat, the silence settles down in the kitchen again. I watch as Kyo eats with an appetite and it makes me feel satisfied. Perhaps he really can feel the difference between the homemade food and the junk he got in that institution.

When we’re done, I leave Kyo to drink juice and stand by the window with a cigarette in my hands. I don’t want to smoke right in front of him, but I don’t want to go to the balcony as well. I’ll have to think of what to do with this problem as well. Or perhaps I should just quit smoking.

Kyo finishes drinking juice and sits there silently, the glass still grasped in his slim, bony fingers. The tattooed fingers I love so much. His crown tattoo is sticking out from the sweater a bit as well. He wanted more tattoos, but never got to do that. I wonder what he would have done if he could.

But my thoughts are interrupted with something unexpected. I hear a sound of some liquid falling on the ground. At first I feel puzzled, but then suddenly I glance down and see how a little yellow puddle gathers between Kyo’s legs and still expands.

“It’s ok, Kyo” I stutter, but for a moment feel at a loss of what to do.

Though I know what I have to do. At least now.

I approach him slowly and push his chair back. Kyo immediately stands up, but doesn’t do anything else. I lean down and take his pants off. Leaving them on the kitchen floor I guide Kyo to the bathroom. He leaves wet traces of piss on the floor, but I’ve got no carpets, so it’s ok. I knew this was going to be a problem that I would have to figure out how to deal with.

But in the bathroom I feel at a loss of what to do again. His boxers are wet. I have to take them off.

“Sorry, Kyo, but you know I have to do this” I mumble, keeping my head down, my eyes fixed on his lower region.

I sight and slowly take his boxers off.

It’s the first time I see him naked like this and it makes my insides shrink as if I was sick. This doesn’t feel right. I feel like I’m violating him. Like I’m doing something I shouldn’t be doing. I know it’s inevitable, but I haven’t really thought about it. I knew I’ll be washing him and dressing him, but I never let my thoughts go into any detail.

I’ll have to wash him now as well.

I make my hands be steady and find a towel. I make the towel wet and come back to Kyo. I try to avoid actually touching him and rub off the piss off him with the wet towel. I know I shouldn’t feel bad for doing this, but I can’t help myself.

Now I know what his parents and his sister must be thinking. What Shinya and Die with Toshiya are perhaps also thinking about me. I’m in love with him. And now I have him all to myself. I have all the power over him I need. And perhaps they think I will be abusing the power I have.

I take new boxers form the cupboard in the bathroom and put them on for Kyo.

I feel sick, but not because I got exited of seeing my Kyo nude. I feel sick of the thought that people might be thinking I have intentions like that.

Of course, it’s… strange to see Kyo like that: exposed to me and helpless. But I would never ever do anything like that to him. I just feel sad of knowing Kyo will never have a chance to choose if he wants me or not. And I will never have the chance of loving him the way I want to.

But Kyo’s health, his sanity, is above all to me. I’m not going to do the same things that led him in the state he is now. I would better die than ever hurt him that way. Or any other way either.

“Here you go, you’re all clean now.”

I take him to my bedroom and put him in new pants. I make him sit on my bed until I clean the kitchen and the bathroom. I have to think of some way to deal with this problem. I have some ideas and I’m going to try them out. But there’s no way I’m going to put him in diapers ever again! That’s not going to happen!

When I get back to the bedroom, Kyo is still sitting on my bed calmly.

I take him back to the kitchen and let him sit at the table until I clean up. Then we go to the living room again and I sit him by my side on the sofa.

The rest of the day goes slowly and most of the time awkwardly for me. It just feels weird on having him here, but not being able to talk to him. Having to make all the decisions for him.

I turn on the TV and pretend to watch it when actually most of the time my eyes are on him. It makes me feel calmer to watch him sit here, beside me, even if he is like he is now.

Some time passes and it’s time for his medicine.

Then it’s time to eat again.

Some time later in the day the same incident, just a bit more complicated, happens and I have to clean him up and change him again.

Then make his room ready for him to have a nap, but his sister finally comes. We sit in the kitchen again and talk, with Kyo right beside us. She brought two big bags of Kyo’s stuff and we both go through all of it. She even brought one stuffed animal that Shinya gave to Kyo on one of his birthdays.

She seems to be happy with how things turned out. Their parents wanted her to check up on Kyo and call them later in the evening to tell how it all looked and she said they will be relieved to know that Kyo seems to be just fine and unfazed by these sudden changes.

She also mentions that Kyo’s parents might want to actually come and see by themselves that I really take good care of him, but she said it was still not clear if they were going to do it.

I wish they didn’t. I really don’t feel like facing them and their suspicious looks.

Finally she promises to come again during Christmas and she’s gone.

I make us supper and we eat in silence this time. I’m too emotionally exhausted to talk anymore.

Later I have to clean him up again. I’m just really happy I thought about this problem in advance and prepared his bed so that the mattress would never get wet.

I give him his drugs that he has to drink in the evening, then put him in pajamas and finally put him to bed. It’s still just a bit after nine, but as soon as Kyo puts his head on the pillow, he closes his eyes and his body relaxes.

I quickly then take a shower myself and prepare to go to bed.

But even though I feel exhausted and overexcited, I can’t sleep. Every half an hour or so I get up and go to the guestroom to check up on him. Every time I go there, I find Kyo asleep. But even then I can’t fall asleep myself. I feel uncomfortable leaving him there alone.

And just somewhere around one o’clock I finally manage to fall asleep.

The day was long and tiring. It was a happy and a sad day at the same time. But the most concerning thing for me was the thought that it was actually going to be a lot harder than I thought.

But I’ll do it. For Kyo.

I’d do anything for him.

TBC

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Blurry Days