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White Nights	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 1457 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
- 7
- 8
- 9
Author comment: It was hard to write the first part of this chapter. I was feeling really bad for being so horrible to Kyo… Also, I’m not very happy with this chapter, it feels a little flat… But I hope I managed to have a reasonable explanation for some of the things and if I did, then I guess I can’t really complain :) Anyways, I hope you’ll enjoy this chapter anyway ^^

CHAPTER 8

“It’s all going to be OK. I can do it. For Kaoru.”
I stand up once more and pace around the room, nervously clenching my hands. I look at the clock yet again – only a minute has passed since I last looked at it. It’s still some time before they call me to go to the court to give my testimony.
“Shit, can’t they already call me?!”
I know more or less what they’re going to ask me and I know what to expect. I have gone through the whole procedure with Kaoru’s lawyer. But still, it doesn’t console me the slightest. I still don’t want to be going there and telling everything to all the people who have come. Literary everything and anything they will ask. For Kaoru’s sake.
Kaoru’s parents are here. And both of my parents are here as well. They were going to testify in court about my condition back then. But if you asked me, I think it’s completely pointless to have so many people testifying about such a simple and clear-cut matter as my condition back then. But if that helps Kaoru then whatever… I don’t care…
Toshiya, Die and Shinya are also here. My sister didn’t come. She was advised by her doctor to avoid stressful situations for the sake of the baby and she decided to stay at home and not come. She might get really upset hearing my story and it’s really only for the better that she stayed out of this together with her husband.
Then there are people who work here at the courthouse. I couldn’t care less about them. At least all the media fuckers were not allowed inside. It was enough that they were taking photos of anyone who was entering the building on arrival. I barely managed to get inside from the entire crowd gathered around the entrance. Kaoru’s case was all over the newspapers and television since that… that shit in our kitchen happened. At least the majority of them wanted Kaoru out of the jail. People were reasonable enough to see the injustice happening right now and I am happy at least for that.
Though that the media started questioning my and Kaoru’s relationship is definitely not a good thing… There are many theories, but I refuse to confirm or deny anything. And after all, I don’t want to have anything to do with the media not now, not anytime in the future. My and Kaoru’s personal lives are our business. So I’m keeping my mouth shut and never say even a word to any journalist interested in me or Kaoru.
I wanted to wait in the hall for Kaoru’s arrival and see him before the trial started, but they didn’t let me. I had to go straight here to sign some papers and what not and then wait for my turn to testify. I don’t know – I never even looked at what they gave me. All my thoughts are solely on Kaoru and the final verdict.
Guilty.
Not guilty.
This is the day when my lonely days without Kaoru might start. This is the day when my life will probably go down the drain so suddenly that I won’t be able to even realize what happened.
“Kaoru…” I whisper and slump down on the chair helplessly.
I wanted to see him today, just before all of this, but I couldn’t. It was only yesterday that I saw him for the last time before this. Kaoru tried to look calm, but I could see he was nervous. Perhaps he was thinking if the not-guilty or ten-years-in-prison choice was good after all.
I am so scared. And so utterly powerless. There’s nothing I can do, nothing I can say to change the situation. I can only tell all they want. I can only be honest and tell them everything with all the details they need so that they would see what a sick, fucked-up in his head bastard that man was and that all Kaoru did was defend me and himself against him.
And if the fucker’s parents and his sister are going to as much as say a bad word in Kaoru’s direction… I’m afraid I might not be able to control myself…
I don’t want to see them.
I want this too be over right now. I want Kaoru out of here. I want to take him and go home.
I glance at the clock. Only three minutes has passed since I last looked at it.
I start going through the things I might be asked during the testimony. But as soon as I even think of them, I want to cry out in frustration. This is not going to be easy.
Suddenly the doors open and I even jump a little from unexpectedness of it. An officer comes in.
“Nishimura-san, it’s your time to testify now.”
I practically jump up from the chair. I follow him looking at the ground all the time. My hands are sweating so much and I can barely breathe normally.
This is it. My testimony is the final one and after that it’s all going to finally be over. One way or the other.
The officer opens the doors to the court and I am met with dead silence. I don’t look up, just follow him until the very end of the hall and take a seat where he shows me. I can hear the officer’s steps as he goes back to the end of the hall and stops again at the door. Then it’s all silent again.
Somebody clears his throat suddenly and starts talking.
These are simple questions of who I am and what are my obligations as a witness and an aggrieved party. I answer to these questions curtly. I want the lawyer to finally get to the point.
“Nishimura-san, could you please look me in the face” Kaoru’s lawyer suddenly says. I gulp and brace myself to finally lift my head up. The lawyer looks at me gently, reassuringly, but that doesn’t help me the slightest to feel any better. My gaze involuntarily wanders off looking for Kaoru.
I see him not so far away from me, on the right. He looks irritated and annoyed. But I’m happy to see he doesn’t have handcuffs on his hands and isn’t dressed in any prisoner clothes. He’s wearing a simple dark-blue suit with white shirt underneath. He looks handsome. Nothing like a criminal in court.
Kaoru stares at me intently and gives me a small smile. But I can’t answer him back the same.
My gaze drops to Kaoru’s left involuntarily and I see his parents. They are sitting close together, looking very worried and as soon as our eyes meet, they turn their eyes away. I seek for some understanding and comfort in other people sitting in the hall and find some warmth in Shinya’s, Toshiya’s and Die’s faces. But when my eyes stop at my parents’, they meet my look with a hard expression on their faces, the ones that I can’t really read.
“Nishimura-san, we would now like to hear from you about what had happened to you in November 2003.”
I know what I have to say to this. I repeated the story in my head many times. But when I have to now say all of it here, my mouth feels dry.
“I was kidnapped” I finally make myself to talk. “By a man I’ve never before seen in my life.”
“Was this the same man that was shot during your assault at your house on the 27^th of April 2010?”
“Yes.”
“Tell us what exactly happened in November 2003.”
So here it goes… the truth I’ve been hiding and trying to forget… Out in the open for everyone from now on.
I take a deep breath and start talking.
“At that time I was in a band Dir en grey and at night we were going back home to Tokyo from a show by bus. I don’t know what time it was, but I woke up and saw that the bus has stopped at a gas station. I decided to go to the restroom as the toilet in the bus by the end of the journey was barely usable. I don’t think anybody saw me get out of the bus. Everyone was sleeping and on my way I didn’t see anyone as well. It was late, I was very tired after the show and I didn’t even think of telling somebody I was getting off for a couple of minutes.
When I went out of the restroom, I turned the corner and saw the bus, saw Kaoru just getting in and then…”
I stop here for a moment, trying to remember exactly how it felt, but it was hard. The memory of that moment wasn’t very clear.
“Then I felt pain and dizziness in my head and everything blackened and my ears were overlaid…”
I stop here, immersed in the memory.
If only I called out to Kaoru, asked him to wait up for me. If only I used the toilet in the bus. If only I told somebody I was getting off for a minute. If only…
“What happened next?” the lawyer’s voice startles me and I jump a bit from unexpectedness. I have to concentrate and help Kaoru as much as I can.
“When I woke up…”
I don’t want to be telling this. Please, God, I just…
“What happened then?”
I lift my head very slightly and glance at Kaoru. He’s looking at me with eyes full of compassion and sadness. And by looking in those eyes I know I have to go on… for the sake of Kaoru, I have to…
“My legs and arms were tied, I was gagged, my head hurt a lot where he, as I guessed, hit me.”
“What happened then? What did you do?” the lawyer was trying to make it easier for me by guiding my speech with his questions.
“It was very dark and I couldn’t see a thing. I tried calling for help, tried to break free from the chains, but of course… of course I couldn’t. I don’t know how much time has passed like… like that. I was in panic quite soon…”
“Go on” the lawyer ushered me gently, as I fell silent again.
“I tried standing, but I couldn’t, he chained me somehow to the wall and I could only sit, but nothing more. I was left like that for a long time…”
“For how long exactly?”
I shrug.
“It felt like many hours… Might have been a day or two…”
I know it was. I managed to have several panic attacks by then, think of hundreds of scenarios as to what was going to happen to me, have pains in my stomach from hunger, pee in my pants as I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
Yeah, it was a lot of hours. A lot.
“So what eventually happened?”
“He finally came” I state flatly. I wish I could already stop talking right here.
Silence hints me that everyone is waiting for me to talk. And I know I have to.
For Kaoru.
“He turned on the lights and I saw that I was in some kind of windowless basement. And he was an ordinary looking guy, if not for that… mad glint in his eyes. He… he told me straight away what was going on.”
More like laughed at my face for finally getting his hands on me and bragging how cleaver he was and how nobody else have thought about such a clever plan – to get their hands on me and lock me in their basement just for themselves.
“He told me he always wanted me and that it was my destiny to be with him. He said that now I’d be living there, in the basement, with him and be only his.”
Oh, how happy he seemed to be back then. And how terrified I was.
“I did all I could think of… I begged him to let me go, screamed at the top of my lungs for help as he ungagged me to talk to me, I cried, I cursed at him, insulted him, and then started all over again, but he just… he was unfazed by any of that. He said I was his now and whether I like it or not, this was how things were going to develop from now on. It was as if he could hear me, but couldn’t understand what I was saying or rather… it was as if he chose what he wanted to hear and ignored everything that was not in his favor. It was as if… as if he lived in the world he created for himself, where he could have me if only he wanted.”
I fall silent again.
I know that now he’s gone, but… I just wish the memories could be wiped out from my mind that easy as well.
“What happened then, Nishimura-san?” the lawyer inquired, as my silence prolonged.
“He started groping me…” I whisper, barely making myself say these things out loud, knowing my parents were right here in the same room, listening. “Undressed me...”
…speaking of how much he wanted me, how he fantasized of that moment, how he was going to fuck me and nobody ever again would even get close to me, only him, how he would be the man for me, owning me, controlling me, fucking me. And right then I swear… I wanted it all to be a fucked-up horrible dream… I couldn’t believe this was truly happening to me. The only man before I was intimate with was Ru-chan. Only him. And I couldn’t believe, even when I felt his hands grab my cock and squeeze hard deliberately trying to cause pain, that this was really happening to me.
I couldn’t believe I was really lying on the floor, my legs and arms chained, that I was groped by some sick kidnapper, who will soon be fucking me and I could only… I could only scream until my throat went sour and my voice would fade away, and I could only gasp for breath as he rammed into me hard and fast, uncaring for any pain I felt, holding on my thighs so hard it left bruises, grinning so wide, looking so smug and victorious, getting deeper and deeper, laughing while he came inside me, kicking me off of him when he was done and madly, hysterically laughing from joy.
I was convinced this was all but a fucked-up nightmare I was having.
“…and then he raped me.”
I could never go into details in front of these people. I hope it will be enough to get Kaoru out of here as a free man without any of those.
“What happened during the next days? The next weeks?” the lawyer asked as I fell silent once again.
“Many things…”
I would need much more than one fucking hour to tell all of that. He was very resourceful when it came to having ‘fun’ with me.
“He was fucking me what seemed like each time he came down to the basement. Did whatever he wanted to me as if I was some kind of… puppy that didn’t understand a thing in the world and completely depended on him.”
“What do you mean exactly?”
I sigh, hating to go into any details, but still trying to talk and make my voice stay stable while speaking.
“He would do as he pleased according to the mood he would be having. He would… fuck me… then have a fit of how I messed up the basement and would make me clean up, constantly standing behind me and insulting me, making fun of me… or he would sometimes suddenly get an urge to beat me up, or…
…or inject me with some drugs that would make me be in pain for hours.”
The more pain I felt, the happier he seemed to be for some reason.
“It hurt all over, made me convulse… sometimes he even had to make me bite down on something hard so that I wouldn’t bite my tongue off…”
These were the worst times for me. Later I started to even want him to fuck me, than play with his drugs and experiment on me with them. These nights were so… so painful… But then later he learned that fucking me while I was wriggling and convulsing on the floor from pain was even more fun and after that I just… I just…
“He would forget to give me food sometimes for days and days. Even if I said I as hungry, he just… he just wouldn’t hear any of that. It’s as if I was talking in an alien language and he didn’t even bother to understand. He never listened.”
That fucked up piece of shit never listened when I begged him to give me water, when I begged him for food, when I cried and begged him to make the pain go away, to make it all stop at least for a short moment…
“Were you chained to the wall all the time?”
I shake my head slowly.
“I was for some time at first, but then… then there were times that I couldn’t even stand up from the exhaustion and he didn’t need any chains… He just chained one on my legs finally, but it was short and I could walk just to the middle of the basement with it on me.”
“Have you ever been out of the basement during the whole time you were there?”
I shake my head, but then stop in the middle of the movement.
“I think… I think I was once, but… I can’t really remember that day clearly.”
“Why? What happened then?”
“I was very weak by then and my mind was already… foggy, but… I think he dragged me out of his house to the stables and…”
I can’t make myself to say it. I just can’t.
“Did he make you indulge in the sexual encounters with animals?”
I feel sick right now. And even more so when I manage to give a curt nod. The silence in the court room feels so thick that I can almost grasp it between my fingers.
“He t-tried… but it ended with my broken bones…”
That’s all I can say. That’s all I can possibly say.
“What else happened during the time you were locked in the basement, Nishimura-san?”
Lots of things. Most of which I erased from my mind. Or at least tried to.
“What was the sanitary situation for you?”
“All I had was a mattress” I mutter. I don’t think that now people farther back in the hall can hear my voice anymore.
“There was nothing else down there. He never even left any of his stuff, not even a piece of paper.”
“Why?”
“Because…”
Because I was determined to make the suffering stop.
“Because at one point I tried to kill myself using anything I could find down there.”
But there wasn’t anything usable in my reach. He was sane enough to understand my intentions and kept anything that might have been harmful away from me.
I had to piss and shit somewhere in the corner that he would clean up only when the smell was unbearable. He would wash me and shave me when he felt like it. He wouldn’t bring anything for me to cover myself when it would get too cold to sleep down there, in nothing at all. If the basement wasn’t built to be suitable for living, I would have frozen to death during the first week. He would often forget water or food at all. Only when I would get so weak I couldn’t even stand he would remember that I needed to eat as well.
“Do you remember how you slipped into the condition that you were found much later?”
I shake my head slowly, trying to think hard on this.
“I tried to learn to shut my mind out whenever he would step inside, so that whenever he would be doing something to me, my mind would be not with him, but somewhere else.”
It worked after some time, but not when he injected me with something. At those times it was never possible to remain indifferent.
“I remember it all becoming one big undivided moment with him constantly in the basement. It’s as if… as if my mind was so lost in time that sometimes I couldn’t understand if he came here just a minute ago, or if he was down there for the whole evening, or maybe it was a completely new day at all…”
I lost track of time and events and memories gradually and I just… I would just sometimes see his smirk, his ugly face in front of mine, rhythmically coming closer and fading farther back, then coming closer, and then going back, closer, then back…
“How did you feel when it was all happening to you?”
I actually turn to stare at the lawyer dumbstruck. Did I hear him right?
“How do you think I felt?” I snap back at him, angry all of a sudden. “I wanted to die! That’s how I felt!”
I take a deep shuddering breath and close my eyes for a moment.
“I’m sorry” I mutter silently. I shouldn’t have exploded like that in court.
“It’s OK, Nishimura-san. There are just a few more questions before we’re done.”
I nod.
“Do you remember how you managed to escape?”
“No.”
“Then what is the last thing you remember of those days in the basement?”
“I’m not sure… It was as if… as if I was seeing his face and hearing his voice all the time, but gradually they started to change and…”
I try hard to remember this. But I can’t remember how exactly Kaoru appeared in my life.
“I remember just finally feeling safe with somebody… somebody kind, constantly close to me. I… It’s hard to put the feeling into words, I can’t explain it, I’m sorry.”
“That’s OK, Nishimura-san. But I presume you are talking about the time when Niikura-san already was your official guardian?”
“Y-yes… Yes.”
The second time I sound more reassured and even nod to make it clearer I have no doubts about it.
“Would you have anything to say on those times that Niikura-san was taking care of you?”
I shake my head.
“Kaoru saved me back then. I owe him my life. And he saved me for the second time that night. And there’s nothing more to add to it.”
The lawyer stays silent for a moment and I sink in my own thoughts, starring down at my hands on my lap.
“Nishimura-san, we also need to hear from you what happened on the 27^th of April.”
I gather the last bits of patience and strength I have and try to make myself speak.
“He attacked me while I was going from the car to the house, tied me up, gagged me and dragged me to the kitchen of my house through the backdoor.”
“How did Niikura-san appeared then at the same place as you?”
“He…” I stop for a moment to think what I should say. “We were having a trip and I came back home after… after an unpleasant argument and Kaoru just… he came back after me because I was so upset that I have left in a hurry and forgot my driver’s license and wallet and some other important things, so he went after me to bring them back… yes…”
I nod as if to convince myself that this was exactly what happened.
“I was lying on the kitchen floor with that… man… standing beside me and telling me that he was going to take me back with himself and… suddenly Kaoru appeared out of nowhere and lunged at that scum…”
I stop to take a breath, but nobody says a word for using bad language in court. Not so much is left. I am almost done finally.
“I couldn’t really see what was happening, but they both struggled and I heard shots. At that time I thought I heard three of those and… and when I saw that Kaoru was the one left standing… I… my mind as if just shut down for some time… I can’t really remember how the police came and how I was taken to the hospital.”
“Do you know why Niikura-san waited for so long to call the police and ambulance? The man who assaulted you might have been saved if the ambulance would have arrived sooner.”
“Kaoru untied me and dragged me out of the house, that much I can remember. I guess… and, well, he told me himself, that he only wanted to calm me down and didn’t think about anything else at that point… only later, when I was calm and not panicking anymore, he called the police.”
“What do you feel about your attacker’s death? Do you think he deserved such an end?”
I don’t understand why the fuck would they want to know my personal opinion on that. Do they really think I might say he was a poor soul that needed to be saved?
“I don’t care about him” I say coldly. And I don’t care how it will look to other people. “I’m happy he’s never coming back after me. That’s all I care about.”
I lift my head and seek for Kaoru’s face. He meets my gaze with a hard and tortured look. Was it so hard for him to listen to the shortened version of my story for the second time? I hope I didn’t make him too uneasy.
As soon as our eyes meet, his expression softens somewhat and a ghost of a smile appears on his features. And my heart suddenly cramps in my chest painfully. I cannot bear the thought of us being separated again. And for so long. I need him.
I need him so bad.
“These were all the questions I had, Nishimura-san” Kaoru’s lawyer says and I tear my eyes off Kaoru and look at his lawyer instead.
The other side, thankfully, doesn’t have any questions for me and I am escorted to take a seat in the courtroom. I make sure I keep my eyes lowered all the time to avoid the looks of the people around me.
The rest of the trial ends quite soon, but I don’t even hear a word that is said. My head throbs and my heart pounds in my chest like mad. I got so nervous, so agitated, so impatient.
This is it. Soon, now very soon, my and Kaoru’s future will be decided. And I can’t bear the waiting any more.
When it all ends, they take Kaoru away until the judge will return after a break and will pass sentence. I can’t lift my head and look as they take Kaoru away. I’m afraid I will lose what little self control I have and lunge at Kaoru and get a hold on him and not let go.
So I sit there and wait to hear all the footsteps cease and the murmurs and shuffles of the people in the courtroom to finally start.
I get up and start walking. I want to get back to the same room I was in waiting until they called me. I don’t think I can stand this tension any longer.
But as I start walking to the direction of the door, somebody stands in my way and I have to halt, and to look at the person in front of me. And even though I don’t really know that woman, I can guess who she is.
The mother of the man who changed me in body and soul forever. The mother of the fucked up bastard that tortured me and then came back after me for the second time.
I turn my eyes from her and want to just pass her and get out of here, but a man on her left appears it seems out of nowhere and blocks my way.
“Please, Nishimura-san, could you wait for a moment?” the woman asks, her voice sounding miserable. I stop and glare at her. I don’t know her, but I cannot help but feel hatred towards her, and her husband. Their daughter is standing a bit farther away. She resembles her brother a lot and I turn my eyes from her immediately. I don’t want to look at her face.
“Nishimura-san…” the woman starts again and I now look at her. She does seem to be tired and grieving, her skin pale and eyes dark from the lack of sleep. “Nishimura-san, I swear… I can give you my word… I never knew… Nobody ever even suspected!”
She lets out a kind of squeak and cry and puts her hand over her lips to suppress any other sounds that might escape. Her husband puts a hand over her shoulder in support, but his face remains hard and stern. He seems to be more composed than his wife.
“Nishimura-san” she whispers now, looking me in the eyes. “Please, forgive our son, please, forgive him and us, his parents! He was a wonderful son – caring, loving and helpful! He never did a bad thing in his life! I was always so proud…”
She stops and takes a shuddering breath. My story must have shaken her deeply. Perhaps she until the very last minute thought we all were lying about her wonderful boy.
“Can you forgive him and let his soul rest in peace, Nishimura-san?” she looks me in the eyes, hoping, praying in her mind for me to say the words she wishes to hear.
But her pain does not arouse any feelings in my heart.
“I have nothing against you, or your husband, or your daughter” I say looking at her, then at her husband. “So you don’t need my forgiveness. You did nothing wrong. But…”
I cross my hands on my chest, feeling uneasy all of a sudden. I can see from the corner of my eyes that everyone left in the courtroom are starring at us right now, absorbing every word leaving my lips.
“But I am not about to forgive that… man… He can rot in hell for all I care. If Kaoru gets sentenced today, I will hate him even more than I hate him right now. If Kaoru gets free, I will not spare a single thought on him and hopefully forget him altogether, even though I know it’s… it’s wishful thinking…”
Tears start rolling down her face, but, strangely, I don’t feel anything for her. Not even a slightest doubt or pity for the woman quivers in my heart. It’s as if it was made of cold black stone. Her pain doesn’t move me.
“But he was killed by your friend! His death should be a good enough punishment for everything he did!”
I lean closer to both of them, so that they would hear my every word.
“Kaoru killed him by accident trying to defend me from your precious son who wanted to kidnap me yet again! So don’t bring Kaoru into this! He is a million times better man than your son ever was!”
I push them aside roughly and make my way out of the courtroom. The last thing I wanted now was to speak to them! Hopefully, that’s going to be the first and the last one ever!
I manage to reach the room I was previously in, but I’m not quick enough to close the door – somebody forces their way in before I close them. I just fucking want to be alone right now!
“Tooru, sweetheart…” I hear my mother’s voice and turn to face her. Her eyes look teary, and she looks really very much upset. She closes the door and in a few huge steps approaches me and pulls me in her arms. I am caught by surprise and for a moment just stand dumb struck. But a few moments later I put my arms around her and I just can’t help it – I lose it and start to cry.
Maybe a few tears cannot be called crying, but they do escape, and I do get lost in her embrace, my body trembling and wanting to just release all the tension and anger and pain in her arms. And I let her hug me, caress my back with her hand, her other hand on my head, lost in my disheveled blond hair.
I don’t know for how long we stand like this, but I manage to calm down somewhat and she leads me to sit down, but her hands never leave my shoulders and my back. She looks at me intensely and with so much love that I am almost surprised to realize she never stopped loving me.
Suddenly the doors open and my father half steps into the room and looks at us.
“It’s time to go. They will soon pass the judgment.”
I shake my head and my mother looks at me confused.
“I can’t…” I whisper. My voice sounds so weak and childish, but I can’t help it. I really feel so scared. Suddenly all I tried to believe has vanished. Kaoru is not going to be set free. He is going to jail for ten years and there’s nothing I can do anymore.
“What do you mean you can’t?” my mother asks. “Don’t you want to know what will be decided for… for Niikura-san?”
“I do, but… I can’t go back there… I’ll wait here…”
“Let him stay” my farther says and I can’t help but for a second hope that maybe he changed his mind and won’t disown me like he wanted to. “But we should go, they’ll be soon starting.”
My mother looks at me, but I push her aside and nod to her.
“Go. I’ll wait here. I just… I’ll stay here.”
Because if they will say the dreaded ‘guilty and goes to jail for ten years’ I don’t know what I might do. I can lose it and just get a hold on Kaoru and refuse to let go. So it’s better to wait here. Even if perhaps Kaoru would feel better if I was there when they will decide his fate.
My mother finally stands up and leaves the room. After the door closes, I look at the clock and start counting the seconds.

***

When the doors finally open, I feel like I have lost all hope in the world and was already fearing to hear that they pronounced a death sentence for Kaoru instead of just sending him to jail. These nineteen minutes were the longest ones in my life. Even when I hear the steps and people talking in the corridor, but nobody comes in to tell me what finally happened, I start to panic even more.
But I heard doors being opened and then closed, and somebody was slowly approaching me. And I don’t dare to turn around and look at the face of whoever would be telling me the bad news. Because I am, by this point, certain it wasn’t going to be anything good.
I hear the steps approach me and somebody stops right next to me and puts their hand on my shoulder gently. And at this moment I swear I can smell Kaoru and just feel him standing behind me.
I brace myself and turn around.
…
All I manage to see is Kaoru’s tired, but happy face before the view gets blurred in front of me because of the tears. I lunge forward and get a hold on him as if my life depended on it.
I feel Kaoru circle his arms around me tightly, putting his head on the crook of my neck and inhaling deeply.
“I’m free to go, Kyo” Kaoru whispers. “I told you I was going to be fine.”
“R-really?” I have to make sure.
I feel him nod against me.
“Really. The final verdict was ‘not guilty’, just like my lawyer had predicted.”
There’s nothing I can add. It’s just pure perfection now. It’s all I wanted.
“I’m really happy to hear that” I still must make sure Kaoru knows that.
For a few more moments we stand like this, but then Kaoru withdraws and looks me in the face. I manage to get a grip on myself and calm down. Kaoru awards me with a sincere smile and I can’t help but smile back at him. He looks gorgeous to me. Tired, a bit pale, but genuinely happy and relieved, his hair combed neatly, his face looking much older than I would like to, but radiant and so familiar to me.
“I’ve missed you. Badly.”
“I missed you too, Kyo. But…”
“We have to go now?” I make a guess and Kaoru nods.
“Everyone is waiting. And I still have to sign some papers and what not. My lawyer is taking care of the final things right now and then we can go home. If, of course, we’ll manage to break free from the entire crowd standing outside the building.”
He chuckles and his carefree mood infects me as well. But still…
“All I want now is to hide from the rest of the world with you for some time. I just want to be with you 24/7.”
“Believe me, Kyo, I do too. But…”
“…we can’t” I finish sentence for him and reluctantly let him go. I dry my face with the back of my hand and take a deep breath.
“Can we go now?” he asks.
“Yes. Let’s get it over with and go home.”
Kaoru nods and shows me the way.
I follow, looking at his back. It’s such a pity that there still are many – too many – hours before the night falls. I wish I was lying in his arms right now at this very moment.

***

Kyo just sits at the back of the room, on a chair beside the window fuming. But I cannot blame him. I also would love to just be alone with him, but our friends and relatives I guess really are very ignorant. I know that spending an evening together to celebrate my release and freedom is a good deed, but what I really want to do right now is just be alone with Kyo.
But since Kyo’s parents also wanted to come, I could have never said no to this ‘party’. If both of Kyo’s parents agree to be in the same room as me and Kyo, this is only a good thing.
My parents are here as well. This, unfortunately, makes Kyo be even more uncomfortable than he would otherwise be. I can see how he avoids meeting everyone’s eyes. Now all of the people here know what he had to go through when he was gone, and I can see how uncomfortable, how humiliating and ashamed he feels. And if Kyo’s sister and her husband were not present during the trial, I’m sure his mother told her daughter everything after the trial has ended.
Kyo’s parents glance at him from time to time, worried. Well, Kyo’s mother looks worried. I can’t really read his father’s expression. He holds back whatever he feels and keeps it for himself. He is a rather intimidating person to be near. And he seems to be rather cold and unpleasant. So I can’t understand him. But I guess the fact that he is here can mean only good. Right?
My parents, thankfully, are much more open people. And today they are simply just happy. So they don’t really care with who they have to share a room with right now. Though there’s definitely some tension between Kyo’s parents and mine. They don’t really talk. Didn’t even greet one another. Perhaps they did that before the court started and that’s that. Both wanted to be with their sons, so that’s why they came here.
But it’s impossible not to notice how Kyo’s farther always stares only at the plate in front of him and Kyo’s mother glances at Kyo every five seconds. Kyo’s sister and her husband are much more relaxed, thankfully, and both of them engage in a conversation with Shinya. Apparently married life makes you have a lot of topics in common to talk about.
Die and Toshiya seem to be a little out of place, but they either try to talk with Shin and Kyo’s sister and her husband, or me.
And my parents just sit right next to me and basically listen and observe all I do and say. And they don’t fail to ignore Kyo’s parents as well. Though my folk doesn’t seem so tense and uncomfortable as Kyo’s.
So yeah… thank you very much for this great party.
I suddenly stand up and take a few already used and empty plates.
“I’ll go to the kitchen put these away and bring some more sandwiches” I say to whoever listens.
When I reach the kitchen, I can’t help but sigh deeply. It’s only 7:18 p.m. It still might be a few hours until people will start leaving. And I already feel emotionally exhausted. After spending weeks in windowless insanely small cell, all I want is to enjoy a good meal and get in a normal huge bed with Kyo beside me. And forget all the shit that happened.
Speaking of that…
I want to help Kyo to get rid of those memories even if for a moment. The hardest moment for me was to watch and listen to him while he forced the words out in the trial. It was so… painful… to watch.
“Kaoru.”
I jump from surprise, startled. I turn to see Kyo standing in the doorway, looking at me with a small smile on his lips. He gets closer and I take his hand in mine and draw him closer to me, circle my arms around his waist and put my hands on his small back.
Seems like we don’t need any words.
Kyo looks me in the eyes and I can see it all there – his love for me, his sadness, his tiredness and longing. He leans closer and kisses me, deeply, greedily, demanding. He presses closer to me, I can feel his chest on mine, his hips, his thighs, his penis pressed to me tightly, with not a smallest space separating us. I get all hot and worked up in a matter of just a minute or two.
I’ve been deprived of closeness for so long that my body itches for even the smallest connection with the one it is longing for to get. I can feel the prove of my desire and need to start hardening in my jeans and I know I should be pulling away, but my mind is so far away and my body takes control over it.
I missed him badly. All I want is to just be close to him – just like now – having him in my arms, having him pressed up to me, crushing me with his arms, grinding into me, getting hard because of me, kissing me, madly, passionately, with such greed and such thirst that he’s never shown before, initializing the physical contact with me, wanting me, needing me, desiring me, dominating me---
I pull back and take a deep breath, shuddering from the overload of emotions.
Kyo hugs me, circling his arms around my neck, pushing himself even deeper into the embrace and I do just the same. I hug him back, close my eyes and get lost in this perfect moment. Standing in the kitchen with him, the same place our lives almost ended tragically.
But they didn’t. And I’m really grateful for that.
“I missed you so much, Kaoru” Kyo whispers and for a moment I squeeze him tighter to let him know I heard him.
“I missed you too, Kyo. Every fucking day. But it’s all over now. It’s all over.”
Kyo nods.
“Don’t ever leave me, OK?”
“I won’t, Kyo. I would never leave you on my own free will. You know that.”
Kyo nods again.
“I love you so much, Kaoru.”
It’s strange how easily this phrase slips from his lips now. But I know he means it. His desperate, death-like grip on me confirms his words. The hardness in his pants tells even more. And after all the struggle we had to go through, to have a working relationship is something I am insanely happy about.
“I love you too, Kyo. I always did and always will.”
And however cheesy it might sound, this is the truth. Don’t people usually make themselves say they love somebody only in moments like this? Only when something so out of everyday life is happening that makes them so emotional and sensitive, that they spill their hearts out?
This is one of these moments. And if I have no problems telling Kyo I love him on a daily basis, Kyo needs moments like these to open up to me fully. He doesn’t repeat he loves me everyday, but when he does say that, I absorb his every affectionate word like a thirsty man in a desert.
I inhale his scent deeply and open my eyes.
For a moment I freeze to the spot as I immediately spot Kyo’s mother standing in the doorway, looking at us.
But then the next second she turns her eyes away, silently puts two empty glasses on the table not looking up again and leaves the kitchen as quietly as she came.
And I am left wondering if I really saw understanding in her eyes or was it just my wishful imagination.
“We should go back” I say to Kyo and push him back from myself. “I would really want to stay here and get more… intimate, but unfortunately there are a lot of people in our living-room.”
Kyo looks disappointed, but understanding. He nods and brushes his fingers through his hair, looking a bit hot and flustered. And needy.
He’s never been so desperate for intimacy with me ever before. Damn it! Why would he be now, when we can’t do anything about it?!
I take a deep breath and try to shake the feeling off and make the boner in my pants just disappear. Or at least not to be visible for everyone, especially for my parents.
We head back to the living-room and take our previous places.
Luckily, Kyo’s parents and his sister with her husband stand up to leave after just another half an hour. She’s pregnant and her husband together with her parents do not let her get too tired. They guard her like watchdogs. But I agree with them on this. She must now be very attentive to herself and her health. And I think it’s not surprising that they prefer staying at their daughter’s place, not Kyo’s. But that’s only for the better. For me, at least.
Kyo’s parents wish everyone goodnight and go to the hall. His sister comes to hug me and say goodbye.
“Kaoru-san, I’m really, really happy for you. And thank you once again for saving Tooru. Thank you so much.”
“That’s OK. You don’t need to thank me.”
She smiles and hugs me again quickly. Her husband, smiling, just bows to everyone and they leave. Kyo escorts them, but I stay where I am. I don’t want to push my luck further. It’s great that his parents tolerated my presence in the same room for so long.
When Kyo comes back, the atmosphere is much more relaxed now. But soon our friends stand up to leave as well. I think they don’t want to intrude for too long. And thank God for making them be this reasonable.
“It’s great that all of that is over” Toshiya smiles brightly to us. “We should all go out some evening! We haven’t done that for ages!”
“I agree” Shinya nodded. “Let’s do just that! Preferably some time in the near future!”
Die pats me on the shoulder, smiling that amazing smile of his.
“It’s great to have you back, mate.”
“Yeah… I was really having a hard time believing it will all end good” Toshiya says, for the first time showing some doubt in the choice I made.
“But it didn’t, so stop worrying about that!” I laugh.
We say our goodbyes and everyone hugs me and then Kyo. Our friends seem to not know what to say to Kyo. They just look at him with pity and sadness in their eyes, but all they can offer is a manly hard pat on the back and a short hug. But I’m sure Kyo appreciates it a lot. I’m sure he’s happy nobody as much as mentioned anything about his testimony.
What is there to say anyway?
So when they finally leave, Kyo lets out a long sigh and turns to look at me, looking relieved.
We get back to the living-room to clean up, but my mother is already doing just that. My farther is just sitting at the table, looking very pleased. He spots us and straightens in his seat.
“Tooru-san, come here for a moment, please.”
Kyo immediately tenses, but does as he is asked. I sit right next to him and my mother stops busying around the table and sits on the other side next to her husband, facing us.
“Last time when we saw each other… when you and Kaoru visited us… we parted after saying many things to each other” my farther speaks up, looking at Kyo. “Perhaps we have been too blunt with voicing our thoughts, but I think you’ve been rash as well, Tooru-san.
What you’ve told me outside the house, the way you told me all those things, made me finally really see what your true thoughts and feelings for Kaoru are. And you should have just been honest with us – that’s all we ever wanted.
It’s hard for me and for my wife to understand your need” he looks at Kyo and then at me, “to be together, but… But if we can’t change it and if it is what makes the two of you happy… we must accept.”
“Tooru-san, we’re not against you” my mother cuts in. “You misunderstood us back then and I guess partly it is our fault, but… After what has happened…”
She falters for a moment, but quickly composes herself and continues.
“Kaoru risked his life for you and it made us understand that whatever happens, he won’t ever leave you. And the only thing that we can do is accept his choice.”
“I’m sorry that you had to worry so much for Kaoru because of me” Kyo says, lowering his head.
My mother stands up and comes to sit between me and Kyo, takes Kyo’s head in her hands and makes him look at her.
“But we don’t blame you for any of that! None of those things that happened to you was your fault! As it wasn’t your fault that the kidnapper came back after you! If not for our son, God knows what would have happened to you! We are so proud of Kaoru – he is brave and so devoted to you that he would risk his own life just to save yours! It’s not something we can fight against.”
She caresses Kyo’s cheeks gently, like she sometimes still does to me when I let her, and smiles lovingly.
“Tooru-san, you are always welcome at our home.”
“Thank you” Kyo whispers, seeming to be really moved because of her kindness. My mother hugs him and I am really surprised to see tears in her eyes. She was in the courtroom, she heard Kyo’s testimony. And being a mother herself, I guess she just couldn’t keep a straight face – Kyo’s story made her pity him so much.
I’m really happy they finally made peace with my choice of who I want to be with. I’m happy there won’t be any arguments over this anymore.
My father puts a hand on Kyo’s shoulder and friendly squeezes it.
“Your parents aren’t very happy with Kaoru living with you?” he asks and Kyo immediately lowers his eyes.
“No, they aren’t. They give Kaoru a hard time. But…”
“At least they finally can stand me being in the same room as they are” I fill in, jokingly. Though the sad thing is that this is the truth.
“It’s this bad?” my mother asks, a bit surprised.
“Haven’t you seen them today?” my farther answers instead of me. “They didn’t talk to us or Kaoru. Barely said a word!”
“I’m sorry” Kyo says suddenly.
“Don’t be silly” my mother scolds him. I guess now that he’s been accepted, she’s going to treat him the same way she treats me. “It’s not your fault.”
“So can we go to sleep already?” I but in, not really wanting to explore the Kyo’s parents topic right now. They still ignore me, but at least can stand my presence in the same room, so I hope it can be called a progress. Though after what had happened now they haven’t talked to me.
I don’t need to be thanked for saving Kyo, I did it because I love him and need him in my life. But I thought his parents would be at least happy Kyo is still here, with us, and at least thank me for saving him, but not ignore me.
“Yes, of course. I guess we’re all tired. It’s been a stressful day” my mother agrees.
When we stand up, I’m happy to see Kyo smiling slightly. We’ll talk about it later, but I’m happy to see he’s already much more content now. I guess the situation with my parents bothered him a lot. He was afraid my parents would blame him for my imprisonment.
When all is done, we leave my parents downstairs, to sleep in the living-room. The sofa can be transformed into a decent bed, so they inhabited the living-room for tonight. And me and Kyo head to our bedroom upstairs.
Finally I get to sleep in my bed, with Kyo by my side.
Finally.

***

There is nothing romantic about sex. Movies are a fairy tale for adults. If you want to see what sex is really like, watch some home-made porn. That’s how real sex is – vulgar, completely unromantic and simply animalistic. Two sweaty people, panting, groaning and making all the weirdest moves and positions just to feel that mind-blowing orgasm while looking stupid and ridiculous.
But now, with Kyo actually really wanting me for real for the first time, with the lights off, just a dim light from the nightstand on, with my eyes only on his handsome face, with my hands on his skin somewhere at his hips, and with my penis deep – so fucking deep – inside of him, I cannot help but think that this is the most beautiful thing that I have ever experienced.
As if life has been stilled, going in slow motion forward, with Kyo all around me, over me, in me, his scent deep in my nostrils, in every pore of my skin, deep within my heart and my soul and my brains, I cannot help but think how perfect this is.
How utterly perfect this moment feels.
I don’t think I’ve ever been happier.
“Kyo…” I manage to groan, but even to myself my voice sounds alien.
“Oh God… Kyo…”
Please love me.
Please love me to the marrow of my bones.

TBC

I couldn’t resist from having this cheesy and sappy line in the end >_< But I love it, so bear with me! XD
Comments would be great, as always! :))))))
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White Nights