Silver and Cold

Ruki, Beautiful Blood, Kit-chan, Yu~ki, Natascha- YAY! More people reading my story! Lol, sorry, this is such a big thing for me. I know, I know, I'm reallllly weird o.0.

Lacey- I do feel special ^^.

This MIGHT be the second last chapter of my fic. If people like it enough I MIGHT do a sequel, but I dunno. Review and tell me if you want one or not plz. And I've noticed more M/F fics... I wonder if I started something XD Nah I'm not that cocky to think that people don't have their own minds.

-Chapter Eight-

When I allowed myself to cry, I couldn't stop. The tears kept coming, no matter how hard I tried to stop. I cried on the way back to Shinya's apartment, I cried in the elevator, I cried in the hallways. I even cried when Miyu tried to cheer me up by licking my fingertips. Nothing I did could stop me from bawling like a baby. It was just pathetic.

As soon as we got home, Shinya made me sit and drink tea with him. But I couldn't drink it because I was shaking and I kept hiccuping as a result from crying so much.

Somehow, he knew that I didn't want to do anything except cry, so Shinya sat me down beside him on his couch, wrapped his arms around me and waited until I was completely cried out.

"I'm getting a job tomorrow," Was the first thing that came out of my mouth after nearly two and a half hours of non-stop tears. "And I'm moving out. And I'm leaving Japan as soon as I can,"

Shinya winced. "Please don't go," He tipped my chin upwards so that I looked at him.

"Why not?" I sniffled. "I've made such a mess of things here. If I stay any longer, it'll just get worse and then what'll end up happening is that I'll tear you and your friends apart. I don't want that. It's better if I leave," Shinya shook his head. "Why should I stay?" I felt a lump grow in the back of my throat and wanted to cry again. I blinked rapidly but still caused my eyes to brim with tears.

"Because," Shinya sighed, bringing my head to rest on his chest under his chin. "You have your problems, perhaps you have more then others would-"

"You're not helping," I whined. It was unattractive, but I didn't care.

Shinya laughed quietly. "But you also have those good points. And, I think," He paused, swallowing hard. "If I got to know you, you would turn out to be a... a very nice person, who I'd like to... be good friends with," His hand was absently-mindedly stroking the side of my face.

"I thought you WERE my friend," I mumbled, rolling my eyes.

"Maybe we could be more then friends," He said it so quietly that I barely caught it.

I didn't want to spoil the moment, so I just crawled closer, smiling slightly at the warmth that I received from being close to him. It wasn't like the feeling I got with Die. It was much better.

"And when you're not scowling, you actually look decent," He said half-jokingly. I scoffed at his comment.

"Decent?" I repeated the word. "Great, maybe decent looks will help me score another life," I said bitterly.

Without hesitation, Shinya leaned foreword and lightly brushed my lips with his. "Don't be so hard on yourself," He smiled. "You need something to take your mind off your troubles," He once again leaned foreword, but this time, his kiss had more depth. I wanted so badly to lose myself in Shinya's kiss, but I knew better.

I pushed away gently. "No," I shook my head. "We can't do this, not now. Especially not now. Not ever," My voice was now steady and firm. I averted my eyes to stare at the T.V. It was off, but I kept looking at it as if some captivating movie had reeled me in. In reality, even if the television were on, I wouldn't have cared at all.

"Dio," Shinya's voice sounded broken. "You're constantly pushing people away,"

"You say it like it's something new," My tone was dull. For once, I willed the numbing sensation to come over me. I didn't want to feel the impending painful emotions. It was easier to just drive them away.

"Please," I could tell he was close to tears. I hated it when people cried around me, but Shinya... I was happy to die. "Don't do this, not to me. I'm begging you," That last sentence sent me into sudden hysterics.

"Ok! So you just want to open wide and let you in?!" I shouted. Shinya winced and drew back as if I had just lashed out at him. "It's not that easy! It's not something I can turn on and off! I can't change for you! You're just one person! You can't make me remodel myself just because you want me to!" I was shaking like some wild thing caged.

Shinya's head was lowered so that some locks of his fair hair covered his face. Even though his eyes were hidden, I could tell tears were rolling down his doughy cheeks. Another pang of guilt hit me like a bullet. I realized just then that he didn't deserve any of what I had just said to him.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled. "You didn't need to hear any of that," He was silent. I swallowed hard. "Shinya?" I was barely audible. He turned away.

"I understand," His voice shook terribly. "I shouldn't try to reach you, because you're untouchable," I bit my lip. I wanted him to say something comforting, to embrace me and tell me that he cared about me. But I had to go and screw things up... once again.

"No," I said. "I'm scared. And I'm sorry," I was the one who was begging now. "I'm stupid. I'm messed up. I'm pitiful and I don't deserve someone like you. Someone who would probably have unlimited love to give me," I toke a pause in my melodramatic speech. It sounded something like a cheesy soap opera, but at the moment I didn't care. "I wouldn't really appreciate it, because I'm that kind of person. The minute you reach me, I'll just slap you away, so you shouldn't trouble yourself with a hopeless case like me,"

Shinya lifted his head. "I would if I could," He laughed through his tears. "I would just forget about you and move on with my life. But do you really think it's that easy? Even for someone who's used to rejection?"

"I'm not rejecting you!" I raised my voice, but it wasn't in an angry way. "I'm protecting you from myself! I don't want you to waste your time on me! Move on, forget me, please! Find someone who will be able to give you their full affection without having to go through impossible barriers," I felt like I was making a mistake, but the better part of me kept saying, 'this is the right thing to do,'

He was shivering. He opened his mouth to say something but all that came out was a choking sob. I reached out and wiped away a tear that was rolling down his jawbone. "Don't cry," It was a hypocritical thing to say because I was starting to cry as well. "We both know that we're completely wrong for eachother. This whole idea to have a relationship is stupid and a waste of our time,"

"Why are you doing this?" Shinya whispered. "If you just let go of all your inhibitions, we wouldn't have to go through this,"

"Even if I did, I would be just a speck in your life. Your friends all hate me, so you wouldn't be comfortable if we ever had to be in the same room together. And believe me, we will," I was finally being reasonable instead of hardheaded. "And we're from different walks of life. You were born and raised with whatever you wanted, and I was born and raised in Brooklyn on Brighton Beach. It's not exactly a perfect match,"

"It doesn't matter!" He cried. "If I love you, what does it matter?"

I scoffed. "You don't love me," I mumbled bitterly. "You've only been around me for a week. You don't even know me,"

"Then I want to get to know you," Shinya was sobbing. I wanted to tell him he was being pathetic, crying over me, but I didn't. "I want to know who you REALLY are. I know you're not like this! You're not," He sniffled. "I know you aren't,"

"How are you so sure?" I whispered.

He leaned foreword and kissed me deeply, his tongue slipping into my mouth. I was stunned, but I allowed him to explore the crevices of every tooth. I caressed his tongue with my own tentatively, letting him be the aggressor before he stopped. "If you were really what you say you are, then you wouldn't have let me do that," There was a tiny smile on his face and I pressed my lips together.

"That may be true, but there are too many factors that are saying for us to stay as far away from eachother as possible," I didn't look at him while speaking. I was afraid that if I even glanced at his face, I would forget all logic.

"You're so cold, you can't even..." Shinya stopped. I watched a solemn tear blossom in one of his eyes. He gently stroked my cheek and only then did I realize I was crying. He stood from the couch, a solid, inscrutable expression on his face. "I tried," He said quietly.

***

I spent much of the evening looking through the newspaper, searching for jobs and houses that I might have considered buying after I earned enough money. I finally settled on a job as a dishwasher in a restaurant in Kyoto, far away from the rest of this freak show.

Shinya wasn't quiet that night. He was silent. Like a phantom flitting about from place to place, barely noticeable. If I closed my eyes, it was as if I was alone in the apartment.

But I was always alone.

***

The days passed like hours. I went to my new job as a dishwasher, and Shinya and the rest of Dir En Grey did whatever it was that they did when I wasn't there. At the end of the day, Shinya and I ate noodles, spring rolls and some vegetables. After our wordless dinner, we watched whatever was on T.V until midnight, when we would go to sleep.

Days turned into weeks, until I thought I would lose my mind in the repetitive cycle. It was the second month I had spent living with Shinya since our biggest fight, and I knew I needed to say something. I didn't want to propose a relationship; I just wanted our old friendship -or whatever it was- back. But in order to get that, I needed to say something to him. It didn't matter what it was; it had to be something.

It was 4:58 in the morning when I decided to speak to him.

***

I carefully opened Shinya's bedroom door, cringing when it made a loud, high-pitched screech. "Godammit doesn't he ever oil his freakin' door?" I hissed through my clenched teeth. The room was pitch black, except for the glow of silver light spilling out from the window directly over Shinya's bed. The way the light hit his sleeping face made him seem ethereal, almost angelic.

I smiled bitterly and padded towards him. I sat down on the corner of his bed, careful not to wake him. I reached out and brushed a few strands of hair out of his eyes before softly murmuring his name. He stirred, his eyelids fluttering, but he didn't wake.

"Shinya," I spoke clearer and more audibly then before. His eyes flicked open and they immediately landed on me. I realized then just how much I'd really missed his warm, soft gaze. "Hi," was all I could force out.

He blinked, but his expression never faltered. "Hi," His voice was monotonic, as if he was apprehensive about showing any emotion around me.

I pursed my lips. "We haven't talked for a while,"

Silence. "It's five in the morning, Dio,"

Silence. "I know," Silence. "I miss you," I was playing with a thread on his sheets, trying to seem aloof but at the same time approachable.

"You miss me?"

"Yes," I swallowed so loudly I was sure he heard. "I wanted to just talk,"

"At five in the morning?"

"...Yes," I smirked at how idiotic my idea was. "We have serious issues," I tried to make light of the situation.

After a moment, Shinya smiled. "If there is no pain in a relationship, then it's not worth being in," I shook my head, wanting to tell him it wasn't a relationship, but I let him go on. "When you're willing to go through as much agony as we did for another person, then it's worth something,"

I tilted my head to the side. "I don't understand,"

"What?"

"Everything," I said. "You aren't angry after all the things I've said to you, after all the hurtful things I've done, why don't you hate me?"

"Do you want me to hate you?"

"No, but why are you so calm? Why are you so-"

"Patient?" His smile grew dimmer. "Because I was taught to be patient when I was young. I know what you want. You want me to chase you, realize that you're not worth it, and then hate you for life. But I don't want to give up so quickly now. Dio, you're so used to people hating you that you expect it from everyone you meet. You don't have to expect it from me," He sat up, his face disappearing into the darkness of his room.

"I don't want you to hate me," I said. "I just thought that... it was a given, so yes... you're right, I think," It was too late at night to think about it in depth.

He toke my wrist and inspected it. "You're still cutting," he noted.

I nodded, feeling a blush spread across my face. I was thankful for the cover of darkness now.

"I'll kill myself one day,"

"Don't say that," He sounded worried.

"Why not? It's true. I'm gonna kill myself one day," I shrugged like it was no big deal. "One day when you're not there and Die's not there and Kyo's not there and Toshiya's not there and Kaoru's not there," I noticed I was rambling. "I'll kill myself,"

Shinya wrapped an arm around my shoulder. "I'll always be there, if I can help it,"

"You sound so sure of yourself. But what if you die?"

There was a long silence from Shinya. "That's not something I can help,"

"I know," I nodded and rested my head on his shoulder. "You know, this friendship is so messed up; we fight, we make up, we fight, we kiss, we make up, we fight AND kiss, what's next?"

"We sleep," Shinya laughed, pulling me down beside him. I smiled to myself and made myself comfortable on his pillow. I didn't want to sleep, but I didn't want to leave either.

I didn't want to feel so alone again. Because with Shinya, I never had to feel alone. 'Oh God, what the hell am I doing?' I yelled at myself. 'Stop it! You're gonna end up hurting him again. Get away now, before you do any more damage!' I struggled with the thoughts in my mind for hours, sleeping only very lightly. 'Why is it that every time I get close to Shinya, I get scared? Why? I don't even understand it myself,' I sighed, focusing on sleep instead of thinking.

Through the quietude of the night, I could hear Shinya's even breathing. It was like my own personal lullaby, except it wasn't enough. I glanced up at him. His eyes were once again closed, his lips slightly parted, his head tipped towards me. I smiled broadly at him and leaned down to gently kiss his lips

***

-End of Chapter Eight-

It toke me F-O-R-E-V-E-R to write this, and I'm sorry. I'll try to get the other chapter in much sooner. Don't forget to review and tell me what you think!