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Blurry Days	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 2083 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
- 8
- 9
- 10
Author comment: Just for the record - the timeline of the fic up until Chapter 9 ^^
Chapter 1 – starts on the 18th of January, 2005
Chapter 2 – starts on the 5th of February, 2005
Chapter 4 – starts on the 16th of March, 2005
Chapter 5 – starts on the 16th of April, 2005
Chapter 7 – starts on the 16th of December, 2005
Chapter 8 – starts on the 20th of December, 2005
Chapter 9 – starts on the 8th of August, 2006
Oh, and comments are always welcome ^^

CHAPTER 9
The alarm goes off with fury and wakens me up roughly. I slam it shut and fall back on the pillow. It’s 8 o’clock in the morning. As always.
I groan and finally manage to sit in bed. Somehow today is very hard to force myself to get up. Even though it’s still early, it’s already hot and humid. My window is wide open, but it doesn’t help. I already start to sweat. At least it’s the last summer month. I’ve gotten tired of all the hot weather. It tires me out more than it used to.
Barefoot I pad to Kyo’s room, stretching my stiff muscles on the way. I find him awake, of course. He never failed to keep to the schedule. And to think that he used to love to sleep in… Now he goes to bed quite early and wakes up always around 8 o’clock. That means I have to get up at the same time as well.
“Good morning, Kyo” I mumble, still too tired to speak in the usual tone of voice. “Did you sleep well?”
I open his window widely to let some fresh air in. I know it must be hot for him to sleep with the window almost closed, but I don’t want him to get sick. To get a cold or a runny nose. I take his blanket away and he sits in bed. He’s wide awake.
I take his hand and he stands up and follows me. Once we’ve reached the toilet, I open the door and he gets in. I take off his boxers and guide him to sit. Once he’s sitting down, I go back to his bedroom. I always use these minutes to make his bed and select clothes.
Once I’m back, I help him to stand up. I usually don’t have to do more than that in the morning. So then we go to the bathroom. All this routine is so familiar to both of us that I don’t even look at him walking by my side. Kyo follows with ease, not stumbling, but keeping up with me. But my hand is always tightly grasped on his elbow.
I take off his t-shirt and then get out of the boxers that I was sleeping in. We take a morning shower together. It saves so much time for me. And it’s not like Kyo can wash himself alone. I always have to be there. So showering together is the best solution. I almost stopped noticing his nakedness long time ago. It’s now natural for me to see him like that – all wet, and dripping and totally naked, right beside me.
First I wash him off with cocas-flavored shower jell. I scrub him all over, even his private parts. Then I push him to stand under the stream of water and when he’s clean enough, I push him out of the stream again. Shaving always is a must every morning. Just once I let his facial hair grow, but Kyo looked so much older with it, so I shaved it off. So this morning I’m also doing just the same. And finally I wash his hair. After that I guide him out of the cabin. I wrap him in a huge and thick towel and sit him on the chair. He always looks so beautiful like this, all cocooned in a towel only his toes and his head sticking out, his hair a spiky black nest, messily standing out in all directions.
Sometimes it’s too hard to see him like this. I can’t help but think of how attractive he looks. Like today.
My eyes stop for a long moment over his small figure, cuddled in the white towel, and my heart clenches painfully. It’s so sad to see him like this. He looks perfectly normal and healthy, unless you look him in the eyes. The eyes are void of any emotion at all. There’s nothing in there. Nothing whatsoever.
The only improvement he showed during these now soon-to-be six months is that he learnt how to use a toilet and he gained the rest of the weight he needed as well as some muscles. We used to take impossibly long walks in the park and after some time he got physically stronger.
But that’s almost all.
Apart from some very minor things, he’s still the same. And he, of course, doesn’t recognize anyone, including me.
“Stop doing this to me, Kyo” I say, but my voice is very silent. “Don’t torture me by looking so incredibly handsome.”
I decide that enough was enough, turn my back to him and start quickly washing myself off. But the image of Kyo, wrapped in the towel and sitting on the chair just a few steps away is imprinted in my mind and even if I’m not looking at him, I still can see him in front of my eyes.
Even now, after so much time, sometimes my body still reacts to what my eyes see. I got hard too many times for my liking by just seeing him like that. But this morning I’m perhaps just too tired. Thankfully, my lower regions stay as they are. So I quickly finish showering and dry myself off. I slip into new boxers, jeans and a t-shirt and then finally get back to Kyo.
Drying him off is easy. He even learnt to lift his hands just a bit, but enough for me to scrub at his sides with the towel. When my hands go lower, I find myself facing his pubic hair and his cock. The sight I’ve seen like hundreds of times by now. But sometimes it still feels like I’m intruding too far. If Kyo could only say something, he would die from shame knowing I did things like that to him.
“Here you go, Kyo-kun, you’re all fresh and new!”
I dress him then. It’s the usual attire: socks, tracksuit pants and a t-shirt. Sometimes I put on him jeans, but I try to make him as comfortable as possible while we’re at home, so jeans usually are left for going outside.
Then we finally head to the kitchen. I sit him at the table, in his usual spot, so that Kyo could watch me preparing meal and wouldn’t be too bored. The sun irritably shines in his eyes through the window, but he barely flinches. It’s still not so intense this early in the morning.
“I think today we’ll have a simple breakfast. I’m sorry, but I really feel exhausted, so I’m in no mood to prepare something incredible today. So I say juice, some buns with jam, hard-boiled eggs and cheese. Yum yum.”
Actually, I feel quite hungry, so this sounds to me like the best breakfast ever invented.
When I put everything on the table together with my cup of hot strong coffee, we start to eat. Now I just need to put Kyo’s hand in the right place on the table and if he touches a fork or a spoon, or a bun, like today, he immediately gets the hint and starts eating. He’s learnt to feel that at a certain hours in the day and in this room we eat, so I barely need to do anything at all. Just to help him out when he drinks his juice and to find food on the table from time to time.
We eat in silence. I’m not in a mood for talking today. Somehow, the whole last week tired me out. With a lot of work on my hands and Kyo to take care, I barely have a free moment to rest. It drains me out from time to time and I guess that today is just that period again.
I look at Kyo over the table.
An egg in one hand, a bun in another. He seems to be preoccupied with the breakfast. In this hot weather his hair are already dry in the ends.
I remember the first time I got an erection while showering him. I felt so embarrassed over that. It was wrong to lust after Kyo when he was in a state like that – defenseless as a baby. I just finished washing him as soon as I could and took him back to his bedroom. When I got back, I tried to ignore the fact that I was hard and finished washing myself, got dressed, we had breakfast. But the erection stayed.
It was so embarrassing to walk around with a boner in my pants all morning, so I hid in the bathroom and got rid of it. But the image I saw in my head was Kyo – naked and wet in the shower with me.
I couldn’t look him in the eyes that day.
But now I don’t really blame myself for it anymore. First, I haven’t had any sex since Kyo’s disappearance and that was so long ago. Second, I wasn’t doing it on purpose. My body reacted on its own accord and considering the fact that it reacted like this to the man I loved, was nothing surprising. And finally, I never used and will never use Kyo for relief. I will never take advantage of him when he’s in such a state. So if I got hard just by watching him and jerked off without him seeing me do that, it was nothing to be ashamed about.
Right?
Shit, I should just rent some good porn and spend the whole night masturbating. If I get it all out of my system, I’d be safe around Kyo again. At least I think I’d be.
I sight and take the coffee. Kyo’s still munching on the bun. He loves these so I try to buy them as often as I can. Though perhaps he wouldn’t thank me for additional weight that he’s gaining from eating them.
“Don’t worry, Kyo. Some kilos here or there won’t hurt you. You’re still gorgeous” I smile a bit and finish my coffee.
Then it’s time for his drugs. Even though the doctors couldn’t come up with one concrete diagnosis for Kyo, they prescribed him with drugs that can be used for treating similar mental conditions. They said these drugs will not harm Kyo, but, hopefully, will help him. When I put the two pills at his lips, he obediently parts them and I slip the drugs in his mouth. Then put the glass of water and Kyo swallows the tablets with one gulp. Then I wash the dishes while Kyo calmly sits at the table.
“Well then, we can go for a walk now and do the shopping. The fridge is almost empty.”
I still have a lot of work to do, but shopping can not be skipped. If I could be fine with eating anything that I’ve still got in the fridge, Kyo wouldn’t. So we must go.
“Would you like some cupcakes today? Or maybe ice-cream? Or maybe you should have some grapes instead, you’ve been gaining weight quite steadily for the last several months… I guess I spoil you too much.”
I chuckle and decide that green seedless grapes should be fine. They are delicious and sweet, after all.
I change quickly and then put on Kyo a pair of jeans and we go out. I always make sure that Kyo wears a hat and a long-sleeved shirt. When I put sunglasses on, I think it’s almost impossible to recognize us. Of course, we could go by car, but Kyo needs to exercise as much as possible, so we walk to the nearest supermarket. With all the shopping and walking back and forth we spend almost two hours, so it’s good for Kyo and I do the shopping at the same time.
Sometimes though people still stare at us. It’s I think because I always keep a hold on Kyo’s hand. Usually I hold him by his elbow or the hem of his shirt and perhaps it looks like we’re holding hands.
Do we look like a gay couple to other people?
If they don’t look Kyo in the eyes, they might easily misjudge what they see. Kyo’s eyes are usually hidden by the hat. Mostly I don’t care. I even start sometimes talking to him even though he never answers and people then stare even more.
Today I don’t even look around. I’m in no mood to face the curious glances. We walk down the street and as always I keep a firm grip on Kyo’s hand. Kyo has never showed any signs of being afraid of people or cars around him, but I cannot take any risks. What if he suddenly decides to jump into the street or do something else? It’s my responsibility to keep him save and sound.
When we reach the supermarket, I smile at the lady at the cash register. She recognizes us as we always come here. We developed a kind of polite relationship with ‘hello, how are you today’ and ‘better buy the oranges today, because the apples are a bit old already’. Sometimes I think she tries to flirt with me, but I cannot be totally sure. She’s either just too polite and nice, or she wants to flirt but then knows who I and Kyo are and tries to keep her distance. After so many times of seeing us and as Kyo’s story was all over the newspapers and TV, she surely must recognize us.
I put Kyo’s hand on the shopping cart and he grips it hard. In this way both of my hands are free for shopping and Kyo’s still safe beside me.
The cart is soon full and we head to pay for all the stuff. The girl at the cash register smiles seeing us. Even though I see ‘Miyuki’ written on the card that was stuck over one of her breasts, I almost never address her by her name.
“Hello, how are both of you today?” she smiles and bows a bit.
“Thank you, we’re fine. And you?”
“Same here” she smiles while her hands automatically take our products one by one and scans them. “No cupcakes today?” she asks.
“Ah, no, not today. We’re afraid to get out of shape” I laugh and she smiles even more. She’s quite beautiful. Short, but skinny, with barely no chest, but she has very lean and elegant hands and gorgeous full lips. I also love her hair – it’s so thick and shiny. She’s extremely lucky she was born with hair like this. I know at least four women who could kill for hair like hers.
“No cigarettes today as well?” she lifts her eyebrows in question.
“I'm really trying to quit” I smile apologetically.
“Oh, that’s good to hear” she smiles again.
Finally I pay and put all the things in one huge bag.
“Have a nice day!” she bows.
“You too” I smile at her and take Kyo’s hand. I wonder if she would go out with me if I asked. But then again, all I want is sex and she’s too nice to be used like that.
I sight and grip Kyo’s hand tighter.
Yeah, no sex for me today. Again. Maybe we should really stop by a video rent on our way back home?
“What do you think, Kyo? Would you like to watch some cartoons?”
I glance at him briefly and laugh at my own foolishness.
“Yeah, yeah, I know. You’ve got too much of that shit at home. Perhaps I should forget the porn and concentrate on writing music instead. Time is running out quickly…”
When we get back, the first thing I do is remove our shoes and take Kyo to his room. I change his clothes and leave him in the toilet for a few minutes. Then I take our products and quickly put everything in the fridge and in the shelves.
Next stop – Kyo again. I clean him up (thankfully nothing much this time, just liquids) and take him to the kitchen with myself. I quickly prepare us both a snack and we eat. As I have to give Kyo meals at the same hours every day, my own eating habits changed a lot. I think I’ve never been eating as well as I’ve been eating for the last six months. Every day me and Kyo have home prepared food and I really enjoy this part of the day. Just sitting with Kyo at the table, eating and looking at him. The fact that he was here, in front of me, alive and breathing was wonderful.
“Well now, Kyo, time to do some work.”
I sight tiredly. I feel full after a snack and a bit lazy, but I’ve got so much work to do that I need to use up every free minute for that. I take Kyo with myself to my study and sit him in the armchair. It’s his usual spot. He seems so comfortable sitting there. When I write music, I always take him to the study, but if I do the paper work, I leave him to watch harmless programs on nature and animals on TV.
This time, when I sit Kyo down, I take my guitar and notes. I really believe that music would do only good to him. Sometimes he looks as if he is really listening. I’d be so happy if that was true, so I want to try everything I can to heal his mind.
For the next couple of hours I work and Kyo sits just right there. Time always flies quickly when I write new songs and this time is no different. I haven’t even noticed how the clock came to show 4 o’clock in the evening. I put the guitar aside with a sight.
Next stop – the toilet. And this time the usual sounds signal that I have to get the wet tissues to clean Kyo up. These tissues for cleaning babies’ bottoms are the best invention ever! Seriously, they save so much work and trouble for me! I wipe Kyo’s certain parts with that and when we’re done, we head to the kitchen again.
Time for Kyo’s evening drugs and nutritious cocktail of vitamins.
Then we go to the living room and sit on the sofa. I usually do the readings for him for an hour at this time. It’s lucky that today we have no appointments with his doctor or no my job-related meetings. Those are always a pain in the ass, because I have to take Kyo with myself. And even though people know our situation more or less, they still stare and judge, and I sometimes can’t stand those looks.
But today is quite a calm day; we don’t have to go anywhere. I read him a children’s book about a deer family and hope that the tone of my voice means at least something to him. I always choose just the most harmless stuff I can. So it always leaves me with no other choice but mostly books for children and early teens.
I’m also very careful of what I let him watch on TV. Mostly I just buy DVD’s about nature. Shinya usually sends me a list of new books he thinks might be suitable for reading to Kyo. Toshiya and Die suggest the most harmless movies. So, somehow I still manage to cope with all of it.
At five I finally leave Kyo alone in the living room to watch a program about eagles and leave to my study to do some paper work. But it lasts only for less than two hours. At around seven I take Kyo and head to the kitchen. I have to prepare supper.
We eat in silence again. Then I take Kyo to the toilet. Next, I take him to the bathroom and prepare him for the night. I put his pajama on, clean his teeth and wash his face, comb his disheveled hair, apply some moisture for his dry skin on hands.
When I put him to bed, it’s almost 9 o’clock.
As soon as Kyo puts his head on the pillow, he closes his eyes and relaxes. I draw the curtains and a pleasant darkness envelops the room. Kyo looks so calm and happy while sleeping. I don’t even notice how a gentle smile appears on my lips. I caress his head slowly and kiss his forehead very lightly.
“Good night, Kyo-kun.”
I close the door of his room silently and head to my study. Now I still seriously have to do a lot of work tonight.
When I finally go to bed, it’s almost 1 o’clock at night. As usual.
When I lay down, I feel my whole body aching form exhaustion. Even though I haven’t done any real physical work, I’m still dead tired. And I don’t have that much time to sleep again.
It’s been a long day.
TBC

To K R Ukido: I actually debated whether to answer your comment or not, as I agree almost with all points you made, except the Kaoru one :)
Chapters are divided in respect to the timeline. At some point I myself started feeling that this is not really working (thus, a drag as you called it), but now I think it’s too late to change this, so I’ll just stick to the division I chose. Especially as soon there will be more things going on. And I guess I just like this kind of writing style – not to rush things up and closely observe how events develop. And I have to write certain things in order to make something that is going to happen later believable. So actually this chapter and chapter 10 have to be written because they are crucial in order to understand something that will happen later :) And sometimes it happens that I have only one scene in one chapter. I was tempted to add more Toshiya/Die, but then I know myself too well – this fic then would never end -_- So I stick up to the main characters and this is why it leaves me sometimes with short chapters. And as I want to have one chapter for one concrete date, this results in short, one-scene chapters.
The only thing I wanted to explain properly was Kaoru’s behavior :) Yeah, he’s overly optimistic. And I think this is because he forces himself to be and he simply tries not to think about reality. If he would even allow himself to consider what would happen if Kyo never recovered, I don’t think he’d be able to take Kyo home with himself. To have such a burden on your shoulders for the rest of your life is very hard and love or no love, I don’t think he’d be able to go through this through the rest of his life. So he kind of fools himself and makes himself believe that he can help Kyo and that Kyo will really get better.
This is why Shinya was that cruel uncaring person who stepped in and said to Kaoru ‘wake up – this is life, not Disney movie’. Shinya was the rationally thinking one, but Kaoru simply refuses to hear him (or anyone else). Because if he wants to do it, he has to believe himself that it will help Kyo.
My role as Kaoru’s lawyer has ended :DDD lol
Thank you for your comment :) I hope you will enjoy this story in the end after all… :)
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Blurry Days