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White Nights	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 1457 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
- 8
- 9
- 10
--- 4 days after the trial ---

I yawn loudly and rub my eyes with the back of my hand. It’s so hot, even if it’s only ten in the morning. I put on some water for coffee and slump down on the kitchen chair.
On habit I glance at the place where he was standing back then and…
“No need to remember those things now.”
Especially when he’s gone from my kitchen for good. Since Kaoru got back home, it’s only the two of us in the house again. And I can’t wish for anything more than that.
I’m so tired and sleepy. Yesterday me and Kaoru… Oh God, it was so--- so good.
I can’t believe I started to enjoy sex so much again. And with Kaoru it’s ten times better than anything I’ve ever had. With Ru-chan it was just an amateur kind of sex – awkward, rushed and pleasant. We thought we were so good at it and we were so overly confident. Now I know the confidence was fueled just by my big ego and his worship.
But now, with Kaoru it’s so much different. It’s so loving, so careful, every touch is aimed deliberately at a specific place in order to cause pleasure, to make the skin shiver. It’s mature, it’s daring, sometimes rough and hard, still a bit too desperate, but it’s rich and mind-blowing. Now sex with Kaoru is like a ripen fruit that just ooze out from being too full of its nectar – tasty, sweet, delicious and forbidden.
I don’t know why I finally can get aroused without any help from Kaoru’s side, but I’m not about to question. I’m going to just enjoy this welcome change of events. And maybe, if we’re lucky, this will never go back to where it was and I won’t even need to go to consult a specialist at all.
The water starts boiling. I take Kaoru’s cup, pour sugar and coffee in it and fill the cup with hot water. Kaoru is still asleep in our bed, so I’ll have my breakfast alone. I don’t want to wake him up, as he pretty much collapsed from exhaustion in the end yesterday. But I’m not also going to starve and wait till he wakes up. I think there still are some of those cookies in the cupboard. I take some of them, even if I know I should at least try to resist.
I sit down with my coffee and cookies to eat. It’s getting hotter and hotter. I think we’ll spend yet another day at home just lazing. Though Kaoru will have to go to work tomorrow, unfortunately. So I want to have him all to myself at least for this one more day.
Oh, and speaking of Ru-chan…
I take my mobile from the table and dial. I’ve tried calling him two days ago, but he didn’t pick up and didn’t call me back. I want to tell him the good news myself, even if he most probably already knows from the newspapers or television.
He picks up when I am already about to cut the connection.
“Hello?”
His voice sounds really tired.
“Hey, Ru-chan! Hope you weren’t still sleeping?”
“Kyo? Oh, no, no I wasn’t.”
“How are you?”
“Why are you calling, Kyo?”
Well this is… weird. He usually is more than enthusiastic to talk to me.
“I just wanted to tell you how Kaoru’s trial ended.”
“I’ve read it somewhere in the newspaper – he’s been acquitted, hasn’t he?”
“Yeah… He’s home finally…”
“Glad to hear that.”
I don’t know if his voice really sounds cold and cynical, with a hint of irony in his voice, or if it’s just me, being selfish.
“Are you OK, Ru-chan?”
There’s some silence on the other end and I get worried suddenly, as if the answer is in the silence itself, but not in the words. But finally Ru-chan breaks the spell by sighing deeply.
“I’m sorry, Kyo, it’s just… I’m happy for you, I just had a shitty time recently. Sorry.”
“Maybe there’s something I can help you with?”
“No, Kyo” he actually lets out a small laugh. “No…”
“I’d like you to come to have dinner with us some day. Kaoru wants to meet you.”
“Thanks, Kyo, but… I really think he’s just being polite and…”
“No, he does want to meet you” I cut him off. “And I want to see you too.”
Well, maybe Kaoru doesn’t exactly want to see Ru-chan, but I’m not going to put him off by being completely sincere. Kaoru wants to meet him face to face to know who exactly he is dealing with. And I know he wants to draw a line between me and Ru-chan, but I don’t care. As long as Kaoru sees that Ru-chan is no threat to our relationship and that he’s just a mere friend to me, I’ll be happy with that.
“I want to see you too, but… Not this time, I’m sorry.”
“You’re busy this week?”
“Yeah… busy…”
“So maybe next weekend then?”
“I don’t know Kyo. Maybe.”
No, there is something wrong. There must be. Or he just simply doesn’t want to see me with Kaoru. Or to see me at all for some reason.
“Well, I hope you’ll be able to. I’ll call you again, but keep in mind that the offer is still on, OK?”
“OK.”
He sounds not like usually. I’m not sure, but it feels like something is really not right.
“Ru-chan, you know you can rely on me whatever happens? I mean it.”
I hear him sigh again, and when he talks now, his voice sounds a bit happier.
“I know, I just… I really want to see you too, Kyo, but now I can’t.”
“So give me a call when you will be free already and we’ll meet. OK?”
“OK. That’s a deal.”
That’s better. That sounded more like him now.
“I have to go now. I’m really happy it all worked out for both of you, Kyo-kun.”
“Thanks.”
“I’ll talk to you later. Bye!”
“Bye!”
And he finishes the call. I put the phone down on the table feeling a bit confused. Something was really bothering him, but if he chose not to tell me, maybe it wasn’t the place and the time to do that. Or then maybe he’s just really jealous that me and Kaoru are again together and couldn’t hide his true feelings about it.
I pick up the cup of coffee and drink some of it.
I hope when we’ll meet, he’ll be fine again and this was just him being in a weird or shitty mood.
I finish drinking coffee and eating, wash the dishes, but Kaoru still hasn’t come down. Do I let him sleep for as long as he wants? Or do I behave selfishly and wake him early?
I can’t stop grinning as I go up the stairs to the second floor and enter the bedroom. Kaoru is lying on the corner of the bed, if he moved even slightly to his left, he’d fall. It’s as if I am so selfish and like to take up all of the bed. But this is just how Kaoru always sleeps. And he’s never fallen off the bed yet.
I get on the bed myself and make myself comfortable next to him. Kaoru’s face is sunken in the pillow, his arm in front of his face, he seems to be deep asleep. His hair is a mess, his naked chest rising and falling in slow, even intervals. I know that under the covers he’s not wearing anything. And this finally makes me only grin more.
I lie down next to him so that I would face him and could watch him sleep.
I don’t even notice how much time passes like this. But this feels so peaceful. I’m still ecstatic that Kaoru’s here with me, that he hasn’t been sentenced for ten years in prison. I was convinced it was going to turn out like that. And now that it didn’t, I’m so happy. Now that I think of what would have happened then, I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to endure it.
For a moment my chest cramps with pain just because of this thought and I quickly grab Kaoru’s hand as a proof of his presence near me. As evidence that I’m not just hallucinating and imagining that he’s here.
His hand is warm. I entwine our fingers, put my other hand over his and clasp his hand completely in mine. I can feel his pulse on his wrist with my hand. It surfaces and disappears in even waves. He breathes so silently that you can barely hear it. His hooked nose and his tiny lips – sunken in soft morning light.
I wonder what would have happened if I had a chance to think about his confession of feelings to me. Perhaps… if I dumped Ru-chan even though I loved him a lot back then, perhaps I wouldn’t have dared dating somebody else… somebody else being male… and from my own band…
Shit, what’s the point in thinking about it now? I wouldn’t be with Kaoru now, that’s for sure. Maybe me and Ru-chan might have gotten back together again. Maybe not. Maybe I was doomed to be with Kaoru on the day that he became my official guardian. Maybe it’s only Kaoru’s hard work and persistence that we’re now together.
Whatever’s the cause, the only outcome is that…
I love Kaoru.
Yes, I do love him. A lot. I’m not in love with him – it’s different. There never was ‘oh my God he touched my hand’ phase. It was always different for us. It was always hard. For him mostly. And I am a bit angry that I didn’t have a choice of whom to love. That I was left without any friends, only with him always by my side. But whatever is the reason…
He has become the only one that matters. He is the only one I desperately need in my life. I depend on him still so much. Even if my dream is to be the stronger one of the two of us at least for a moment.
I draw his hand closer and kiss it lightly.
He is so near me and I can’t help but think that he’s naked, always eager for some pleasure and willing to give that pleasure back to me as well.
I lean closer and start kissing his shoulder. I shower him with light kisses: from his shoulder, then higher to his neck, then to his cheekbone, his chin, his eyebrow, his forehead. Until I feel his forehead wrinkle, his eyebrows go up and his eyes open lazily.
“Good morning” he mumbles, seeming to still be pretty much in the world of sleeping.
“Morning” I smile to him and feel his hand squeeze back my one. I guess I’ve been starring at him for too long. There are consequences of that in my boxers and I don’t know how to tell that to Kaoru.
“You’re up early.”
“It’s you who’s been sleeping too long” I laugh. “I even managed to have breakfast already.”
“Hmm…”
Kaoru closes his eyes for a moment, looking still tired and lazy. I draw back one of my hands from his and draw his hand with my other one down. When it stops directly over my somewhat hardened length, for a moment nothing happens, but then Kaoru frees his hand from my one and lands it on my cock. His eyes open and I swear I can see a smirk lingering in them.
He starts stroking me, slowly, gently, and I can’t help but desperately push back against him. It’s as if I’ve never had sex before and was desperate to get all I could. I know it’s pathetic, but I don’t care. I want him badly.
Kaoru leans closer to me and kisses me, and it’s so sweet. I want more. Much more.
“Kaoru…”
I tear the blanket off him and throw it somewhere aside. He puts one of his legs between mine, climbs to rest over me somewhat, pushing me down on the bed, pressing me to it with his weight.
“Kyo, you sure want it?”
“What does it look like?” I almost glare at him. “Do you think I have a boner just so, for no reason?”
“I think it’s very sudden for you to acquire such strong physical need for me. I love the change, but it’s… too sudden.”
I kiss him just to make him shut up. I know he’s right. I know that it’s not healthy – one minute I am frigid and Kaoru needs to caress me into arousal and the next I get horny only by looking at him. But if it’s now like this and it’s not going to change, I don’t see why I should be concerned.
“You worry too much, Kaoru.”
I kiss his lower lip, biting it just the slightest.
“You always worry too much. Even over the good things.”
“I wouldn’t agree, but…” he is silenced by my another attempt to kiss and molest him a bit, just to provoke him into something more edgy. After a few heated moments he, of course, manages to get free. “But who else is there to worry about you?”
I buck my hips at him impatiently and groan.
“Please, Kaoru, I want you… Can I have you?”
He laughs loudly suddenly, his voice still sounding rough from sleep.
“You have me, Kyo. You have me for so many years now.”
He finally drops his irritating comments and worries and fully embraces me, kisses me back at the same time stroking my cock with his hand, caressing me, loving me.
This time I feel like being on top and he lets me no questions asked. And though it is awkward and clumsy, with me being afraid to screw it up and not please him, it’s still good. When he straddles me and lowers himself on my length, with my hands placed near my head and with his hands intertwined with my ones, with him pumping himself on my cock, pace getting faster and rougher with each time he goes down on me, with him looking right in my eyes, I try hard to watch him, to not close my eyes - I want to witness it all.
It’s been many years since it felt this good. Since sex felt this wonderful.
And it’s been many years since I felt so close to another human being.
I trust Kaoru with my life.
And after all of that, when we lie down panting, with him on me and still a part of me, breathing heavily right next to my ear, both of us sweating profoundly because of the heat, I feel so happy. Because I have almost lost all of that. And there’s no better way to appreciate what you have but to just lose it.
“Kaoru?” I manage to utter his name, still too much out of breath.
“Yeah?”
“I’m happy that you’re finally home.”
His breathing stops for a fraction. But then he exhales and moves to get off me. He looks me in the eyes and smiles gently.
“Yeah… I’m home…”

~ ~ ~

the 14^th of July 2010

~ ~ ~

We sit down at the table and I immediately order myself dinner. I’m starving.
“When Toshiya and Die are coming?” Kaoru asks, looking at his watch.
“They should already be here” I shrug, not really caring about this right now.
“Kyo, hey” Kaoru grabs my arm and squeezes it reassuringly. “Just try not to worry too much, OK? We’ll get a hold on him sooner or later.”
I snort against my will. I know Kaoru tries to make me feel better, but I’m not stupid, I know this looks bad.
“It’s been two months now, Kaoru. He’s avoiding me, he doesn’t answer my calls or my messages, never is at home. There’s definitely something wrong!”
We came here from Ru-chan’s place. I wanted to try once more finding him at home, but he was not there. It’s as if he disappeared from the surface of the earth and it makes me sick worried. I managed to get a hold of a couple of our mutual friends back then, but they didn’t know anything and were more interested to talk about me, than about Ru-chan.
“I’m afraid that something happened to him…”
“I know, Kyo.”
This worry will drive me crazy. I hope he’ll reappear soon.
The waitress brings us our drinks and I start sipping my coffee. Kaoru takes out the newspaper. My eyes immediately catch an article about me and Kaoru. I grab Kaoru’s hand before he turns another page.
“Kyo, don’t read this shit.”
“I want to.”
I pull the newspaper closer to myself.
Former Dir en grey vocalist Kyo and guitarist Kaoru – living together?the headline said.
How do they find this shit out? Why they are still interested in us after the trial ended so long ago?
I look over the article and my eyes stumble on one particular paragraph.
Our reliable sources informed us that the two Dir en grey ex-members are living together for a long time now and do not show any signs of going separate ways. They have been asked about the nature of their relationship many times before, but so far they haven’t confirmed or denied this statement. Are they a gay couple or are they just two friends finding it more comfortable to share one big house and its expenses?
What a huge pile of shit.
Suddenly Kaoru grabs the newspaper from my hands and folds it.
“Don’t read this shit, Kyo. At least now this is not important.”
Yeah, now.
“What will they be writing if we go back to the music industry together?” I snort, for once feeling miserable over this prospect of events.
“They will write many things, Kyo, but we have to learn to ignore all of that.”
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it, Kaoru.”
“That’s why we’re not rushing it, Kyo. That’s why you can think however long you want until you decide. Because once we make up our minds, there will be no turning back.”
“I know.”
And it doesn’t make me feel better. Mainly because I know already that we’re gonna do it. What else is there for me to work anyway? I have no education, no other skills than singing and composing on some level. There barely is another way for me to earn money. And one thing I know for sure – we desperately need money. The sooner the better.
“But I don’t know how I will ever be able to go up on stage and face all those people. They will come to see me not because of my voice and music, but because of what had happened to me. They’re still interested in it, because nobody still knows what happened to me while I was missing. And they’re interested to know about us as well.”
At least the press hasn’t found any of those two things out. Were we living in US or Europe, I guess we wouldn’t have this luxury of privacy as we do now.
“They will, I’m not going to deny it. But there will be people coming to hear the songs and your voice. And after a while only those people will remain. I promise you, Kyo. After some time only those truly supporting you and me as musicians will remain. And that’s what we want, isn’t it?”
I nod.
“And I promise, we won’t ever need to answer any of those two questions. Not about what happened to you, not about what is happening between the two of us. As long as I will be in charge, these two questions will never reach you.”
I nod again.
I know I can trust Kaoru. He would be my manager, my composer, my assistant – my savior in everything. Without him I’d be lost as to where to start and what to do. But Kaoru said he’d gladly take care of everything. And I know he means it.
There is still the question of the band members. I would love to have Kaoru standing next to me with his guitar on stage. But Kaoru wants me to be the one and only important band member. It wouldn’t even be a band according to him. It’d only be me. The solo artist. Kyo.
“Kaoru, I don’t really need time to think about it. I mean… I know there’s no other option for me and I kind of… I want to sing again, but… I’m just afraid, I mean… I don’t want to be a public persona. But to sing without any public…”
“I understand, Kyo” Kaoru takes my hand under the table and intertwines our fingers.
“You’ll do great, I know that. The beginning is always scary, but you’ll be great.”
“I want you on the stage with me, Kaoru.”
Kaoru sighs, now looking a bit reluctant.
“I don’t know, Kyo…”
“I need you there with me.”
“I’ll be there with you.”
“You know what I mean” I interrupt him and he smiles.
“We’ll talk about this more later, OK?” he says and lets go of my hand. “Die is coming.”
I turn to see Die nodding to us and taking a seat next to Kaoru.
“Hey guys” he says and takes out a cigarette. He looks great. I’ve seen his photos in the magazines, but in person he is even more gorgeous. I guess he’s one of those people to whom age only adds beauty, not takes it away. He has long hair now, but it looks perfect. I even envy him a bit. I wish I was this hot.
“Where’s Toshiya?” Kaoru asks. “Weren’t you supposed to come together?”
Die cringes in his seat uncomfortably and this immediately draws my attention.
“Did something happen, Die?” I ask, concerned all of a sudden.
“Well, it’s just… we’re kind of on a break right now.”
“What break?” Kaoru asks, still feeling confused. At least I’m not the only one. “Does your band have a break from work or what?”
Die shakes his head slowly.
“No, I mean… Me and Toshiya, we’ve split up for some time. We’ve put our relationship on a break.”
Silence follows this statement. It’s so out of the blue that I don’t even know what to say.
“I thought you two were doing great” I hear Kaoru say and glance at Die now more intently. He really seems troubled. And tired. And much thinner yet again.
“Well yeah…” Die shrugs and takes out a cigarette. “It’s not like we had a huge fight or anything… It’s just that… we always seem to do nothing else but fight over everything recently and it started to get tiring. I don’t know… we just felt we needed to concentrate on the band more for now and give us some time to think if we want to continue living the way we used to.”
He lights his cigarette and inhales a few smokes.
“He’s moved out for the time being. But… I kind of get the feeling that he’s not coming back…Well, at least for the band things are jogging along quite well now.”
Kaoru puts a hand on Die’s shoulder friendly and squeezes.
“Are you alright with this?”
Die shrugs.
“We’ve been together for a very long time and it sucks that it might end. I still love him and I know he also loves me, but… We seem to be unable to get along anymore. At work everything seems to be fine and it’s all good, but when we get back home it’s as if… we’re at each other’s throats immediately. And I don’t know why it’s like that.”
“Did Toshiya say he doesn’t want to come back home to you?” I must ask, feeling I also should try to say something to Die.
“He didn’t, but… Hell, I don’t really know!” Die snorts in frustration. “This situation sucks a lot! I wish we just were fine as we used to!”
“Maybe it will all work out in the end?” I try to be positive. At least I want it to be fine for them.
“Why are you so concerned all of a sudden?” Die asks, turning to look at me. “You were the one hating to see us together!”
“Hey!” Kaoru immediately raises his voice and glares at Die. “You know perfectly well what were Kyo’s reasons for that! Don’t you dare attack him with this now!”
“Sorry” Die murmurs and lowers his head. “I just… It bothers me a lot… this situation with Toshiya…”
“Is he still coming?” I ask, trying to fill in the uncomfortable silence.
“Yeah, he is. We see each other at work all the time, so there’s no reason to avoid each other after work if necessary. He should be here soon.”
The waitress comes back with our dishes and Die orders himself beer. Me and Kaoru start eating, not really knowing what to say right now.
When my cell phone starts ringing, I almost don’t pick up, but in the end I change my mind. My mother sometimes calls and if I don’t pick up, she gets all concerned and worried and then I have to listen to her annoying questions longer than I normally would when I finally do pick up.
But it’s not my mother calling.

“It’s Ru-chan!” I say starring at the screen, amazed and excited all of a sudden.
I garb my phone and stand up. I don’t even see Kaoru’s face. I step away from the table to get some privacy.
“Hello! Ru-chan?”
“Hi, Kyo.”
His voice sounds weak and tired. I immediately sense that something is not right.
“Where have you been, Ru? I couldn’t get through to you; you weren’t at home when I came! Are you alright?”
“I’m sorry I made you worry, Kyo.”
“That’s fine! Forget that! Just tell me what’s up with you?”
There’s silence on the other end and I can’t stop getting more worried with every second.
“Come on, Kaoru, tell me what’s happening with you. There’s something happening, isn’t there?”
“It’s… it’s my mom, she’s… she’s sick.”
“Sick?”
“She’s in a hospital right now. She had a surgery and just finished going through chemotherapy. Now they started a radiation therapy a few days ago for her. I’ve been with her in the hospital all the time as she is here in Tokyo for now.”
My words seem to be stuck somewhere in my throat. He sounds so sad and defeated that my heart immediately goes for him.
“I’m sorry I ignored you for so long, but I just… It’s very hard. I have made very serious decisions about my life and all is going to change now.”
“Ru-chan…” I utter, but I don’t know what to say to him.
“When they’ll finish the treatment, she’ll be transferred to the hospital back home and I’m moving back home with her. I’ve already quit my job and packed. I’ll be helping my dad with our family business and helping him to take care of mom. I’ll be leaving Tokyo for good in two weeks.”
His voice gets stuck in his throat and he falters for a moment, in which he lets his true emotions slip out and I hear so much vulnerability and pain in his voice. But he composes himself the next second and speaks sounding somewhat calmer again.
“I’m going home.”
“What is it that she has?” I finally manage to ask.
“It’s stomach cancer.”
I wish I knew anything about it. But cancer itself for a moment makes me think of death.
“Her doctor said that she’s got stage II and people having this stage of cancer live for about five years… I mean, only some thirty to forty percent of them live for five years. My mom… she might not have even that much left…”
His voice quivers and he stops talking. I can hear him take a deep breath on the other end.
“I want to see you.”
“No, Kyo. Not now at least. I’m sorry.”
“Why?” I can’t help but ask. I want to see him. I need to.
“I don’t want you to see me right now… I’m… I’m not very social right now… ”
“But when we can meet?”
“If you’ll be able to, I’ll definitely want to see you before I leave the city.”
“Of course I’ll be able to. I want to see you, Kaoru.”
“I want to see you too… I’ll be looking forward to it, Kyo.”
There’s more silence and I still think this is some kind of sick nightmare. This can’t be happening to him. Ru-chan is so kind and loving, such a wonderful person. Why would such a misfortune fall on his family?
“I have to go now, Kyo. I’m very tired and I’m not… I’m not feeling very well myself. ”
“OK” I utter.
“Listen, I’ll call you some time later, OK? Maybe you could drop by at my place when I’ll be at home?”
“Of course I will.”
“Thanks… I hope all is well with you, Kyo-kun. I really miss spending time with you.”
“Yeah, me too…”
“Bye, Kyo.”
“See you, Ru…”
And he hangs up.
I make my way back to the table slowly. I feel somebody taking me by my hands and guiding me to sit down. Like through the mist I see Die and Toshiya’s faces looking at me. Then somebody takes my head and makes me turn it. I meet Kaoru’s concerned eyes.
“What happened, Kyo? What did he tell you?”
“His mother is sick. She’s probably going to… to die.”
Kaoru gapes at me in shock.
“Ru-chan is moving from Tokyo for good to take care of her and help his farther with their family business.”
“Jeez, this is… unfortunate” Kaoru mutters, not really knowing what to say.
“I wish there was something I could do to help him.”
Kaoru takes my hand under the table again.
“Just be there for him. There’s nothing else you can do.”
“Wouldn’t you mind me doing that?”
Kaoru gets flustered for a moment. He surely doesn’t like me hanging out with Ru-chan even on rare occasions. But the situation now is different.
“You know I wouldn’t as long as I finally get to meet him myself. But now he needs his friend’s support, so I’m not that cruel as to not let you see him.”
I lower my eyes on the table for a moment.
“I’m so sorry for him. I wish none of that happened to his mother.”
“I know, Kyo.”
I take my chopsticks and resume eating. I don’t even say hi to Toshiya who arrived while I was talking on the phone. My thoughts are solely on Ru-chan right now. I hear Kaoru talking to our friends, but for some time I am deep in thoughts about Ru.
I wish he was doing better.

***
We watch Kyo and Kaoru leave. Those two… It’s so amazing how after so much time and so much bullshit they had to go through, they managed to remain together. From what I see and hear when I look at them, they seem to be more inseparable than I’ve ever seen them to be. And I can’t help but feel somewhat jealous.
I glance at Die walking by my side. He seems to be deep in thought, frowning slightly, his long hair covering much of his face from me. He looks so good. So handsome, so sexy, so fucking hot.
I wish I could jump him and fuck him senseless. But I know I can’t. This would ruin the whole point of us taking a break. And we need this break. Our relationship needs it.
I sigh and turn my eyes from him.
Why is it that we seem to always get on each other’s nerves? Why have we started to fight so much? What is it about him that sometimes makes me wanna just throttle him (that’s how mad I can get at him)? Why can’t he be at least a little bit more decisive, assertive and strong? Why did we have to drift apart, even if just so very slightly?
But the most angering thing for me is that I still love him. I never stopped loving him. He still holds my heart in his hands. At least I think he doesn’t really know that any more. At least I still have that much power over myself and Die doesn’t know that he hasn’t lost me for good. Yet.
I know it wasn’t only my decision. We both felt we needed to do something about it until it didn’t surface in our work. And at least we managed to save the band from suffering from much love-related drama. Nobody even suspects anything at all.
But the question still remains, so to speak. Do we or do we not get back together?
And looking at him right now, walking by my side, head slightly bowed, skinnier yet again, I still have only one answer – I don’t know.
I’m not even sure he really would want me back. He’s as much confused as I am. And as much lost.
I hate how our reason for putting our relationship on hold is so vague and ungraspable. It’s not his drinking problem (though he refuses to admit he has one). It’s not my obsession with spending a fortune on clothes or experimenting in fashion. It’s not his little annoying habit to leave the cup after he drinks wherever he was sitting and never picking it up again. It’s not my constant brooding over things and depressing over every little failure I experience. And it’s not our homosexual relationship.
It’s just… everything at once and nothing at the same time.
I have no fucking idea why do I hate everything about him one minute and the other love him to death. It never used to be like that.
“Are you going home already?” Die asks out of the blue and I jump a little, startled from my thoughts.
“Err… yes. I have no more plans for today. Just to have some rest.”
“Hmm…”
“You?”
What a stupid and utterly superficial conversation. What I would rather like to ask is if he’s really been eating properly, because I can see he’s been losing weight again.
“Yeah, me too. I plan to have some cans of beer and just watch what’s on TV.”
“Don’t stay up late, we have to be at the studio at 9 AM sharp tomorrow.”
“I know” he shots back. “I can remember that much, I’m not dense!”
“Well you’d be late more often if I wouldn’t be waking you up all the time! We have to keep up to the schedule and you manage to ruin it almost all of the time!”
There’s something more I want to add, but my words seem to get stuck somewhere at my throat after I see the expression on Die’s face. And I get it myself. We’re doing it again. We started arguing for no apparent reason whatsoever.
I sigh and rub the temples on my head with a hand.
“Please, be on time, OK, Die? We’ve got an important meeting tomorrow.”
“I know. And I will.”
I nod. I’ve got nothing more to say.
We reach our cars and stop, turning to look at each other.
“So, um…” he starts, but falls silent. Then looks me in the eyes and I freeze to the spot. There’s something in his eyes that makes me feel all powerless and weak in legs. And the next moment I know he leans closer and kisses me on the lips.
I don’t feel his hands or his body anywhere near me – just his lips, touching mine carefully, but with determination. I kiss back, though I don’t know if I should be doing it. If we should be doing it at all.
He draws back suddenly and looks around as if only now remembering that we’re in a public place. Then looks back at me and smiles.
“See you tomorrow, Toshiya. Have a good night.”
“Yeah, you too…”
He turns around and unlocks his car, climbs into it and starts the engine. I turn back from him and approach my car slowly. I hear Die drive away and sigh, finally letting myself to relax.
Slowly my hand lifts itself and fingers touch my lips.
It might have been done just on habit.
Or it might have been done on purpose.
Whatever it is, it reminded me how much I used to crave for his kisses. And for more.
“Damn you, Die. You sneaky freakin’ bastard” I mutter, but a smirk never leaves my lips.

***
As soon as the door opens, he first glances at me looking very much uncomfortable. Then directs his eyes to Kyo and smiles to him. Kyo, to my utmost displeasure, steps closer and without any hesitation hugs him.
“Hey, Ru” he says so gently that I immediately feel jealous. I don’t have to like it. Especially after I got to know that this man standing right in front of me has dared to kiss Kyo and make a move on him. On my Kyo.
“Ru-chan, this is Kaoru, Kaoru, this is Ru” Kyo introduces us, though there is no need for that. I nod curtly to him and he responds the same. Worry settles on Kyo’s face, but he doesn’t say anything. We silently step inside and take our shoes off. He leads us to the living-room and we sit down.
“How are you?” Kyo asks.
“I’m OK. Though it’s very hard to accept the fact that I must leave Tokyo for good and that… that my mom is so sick…”
“Maybe some day you will get back to Tokyo?”
He sighs.
“Hardly possible… I’ll be the one inheriting the family business and taking care of it with my dad now.”
“But what about your brother?”
“Well he’s married, with two children already, he has other obligations. He is responsible for them and he has to provide them with everything, so he can’t just drop everything he has now and go away. And because of that there’s just only me…”
“You could sell the business later” I can’t help but say. I think he makes too big of a fuss over this problem and just wants Kyo’s sympathy.
“Maybe… But you know, I’m not going to live waiting for my farther to die so that I would inherit the business and then sell it.”
He made me sound like a complete bastard right now. With every passing second I like him less and less, even though I came here with the thought of trying to be nice to him.
“But let’s not talk about it right now” he says and looks at Kyo. “Tell me how have you been doing? How are you?”
“I’m fine” Kyo shrugs half-heartedly. “I’m thinking of going back on stage again.”
“Really?! Wow, that’s great!”
“You think so?” Kyo smiles sheepishly.
“Yes, of course!”
Kyo smiles somewhat embarrassed and an uncomfortable silence settles between the three of us. This other Kaoru clears his throat and looks at me.
“Would you like something to drink?”
“No, thanks, we’ve dropped by just for a few minutes.”
Kyo throws me a disapproving look, but I don’t care. I don’t like this man. I know he’s not a real threat to me, but still… They met, they kissed, they spent some evenings late in the night together doing God-knows what. And if I trust Kyo when he says nothing more than that one kiss when they first met happened, I cannot trust him. I don’t know him at all. All I know is that he is Kyo’s ex and that’s already a good enough reason for me not to like him.
After all, he was the only other man to whom Kyo made love on his own free will. And that already makes him a serious enough threat for me.
“I’d like some tea” Kyo says and this other Kaoru stands up and goes to the kitchen. As soon as he is out of the room, Kyo turns to me with a thrown on his features.
“What are you doing, Kaoru? You promised me to behave!”
“And I am being nice! I just don’t see the reason to stay here longer. He’s fine, you saw him, now we can go!”
“Kaoru, his mother has cancer, she is going to die. Have you got no sympathy for him whatsoever?! If not, then at least respect him as my friend! And please don’t be so cold and harsh!”
“Can’t you see the way he’s looking at you?”
“Kaoru, what the…”
“Err…” I hear the host clear his throat and we both turn to look at him standing in the doorway.
“I wanted to ask you Kyo to come to the kitchen to choose what tea you’d like. I’ve got lots of flavors.”
“Sure” Kyo nods and leaves the room. But this Kaoru remains standing in the doorway and looking at me.
“You know, Kaoru-san, I am very grateful to you for bringing Kyo back to us, for nurturing him, for saving him from being kidnapped again. I admit, I wanted him back, but… Well, let’s just say we’re not youngsters anymore and we both have changed. We’re not ever going to have what we had back then. And… and Kyo is really devoted and faithful to you. And I don’t understand why you even see a threat in me.”
“Because I worked hard to have his love. And I don’t want anyone to stand in our way now or ever in the future.”
He smiles a bit, looking somewhat sad. And for a moment I feel that maybe I was a bit of an asshole right now and overreacting for nothing. He does seem to be kind of nice…
“I chose orange-flavored tea” Kyo suddenly appears in the doorway with a cup in his hands.
They both sit again and start talking. And this time I don’t interfere. Just sit there and listen.
And the more I observe them, the worse I feel. This Kaoru seems to really be a good person. And really wishing only good for Kyo. And I was so rude and harsh to him.
When we finally leave, I manage to smile sincerely to him and feel easier in my heart.
It’s good that Kyo has at least one such friend.
But I can’t help but secretly feel happy that this friend will not be living in Tokyo anymore.
Kyo’s ex-boyfriend will always be ex-boyfriend. I’m not expected to like this part of this other Kaoru.
Kyo used to be with him. So I’m somewhat relieved he’s moving away from Tokyo. But I won’t stand in Kyo’s way if he’ll want to meet him once in a while.
As long as that doesn’t happen too often.

TBC

So after that ‘accident’ with the kiss, we didn’t manage to witness Kaoru’s reaction to that, because there was no appropriate moment for that up until now. I hope Kaoru’s position to Ru-chan is clear. Kaoru might seem to be a little selfish here, but I think his actions and words are understandable. He doesn’t have to like Ru-chan, because he’s almost completely a stranger to him and Kyo’s ex on top of that >_
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White Nights