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Sou... Mou Hana Ni Ochimasu	By : Niichan Category: > Die/Shinya Views: 2072 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Sou... Mou Hana Ni Ochimasu
- 1
Sou… Mou Hana Ni Ochimasu /That’s Right… The Flowers Will Be Falling/

- 12 Sangatsu; 14:37 -
It was more than the lights, the long hours, the chemistry between beautiful men that made them credible paired-up in women’s clothing; waves of heat fanned through the supposedly air-conditioned library, the books watching hushed as unfamiliar white streams clouded the shelves and a crew of more than twenty huddled by the archeology section, struggling for air. In the center of the small commotion a young man in his thirties looked at a couple of Polaroids and shoved them back into his assistant’s hands.

“Come on, Die-san, please.” Nagano-san sighed, wiping at his forehead for what seemed like the hundredth time. It was five a.m. and the library would have to open to the public in two hours. “Stop making jokes for a few minutes and let’s just finish the shoot.”
Die nodded, still grinning at his previous comment, as a flurry of make-up artists rushed to his side and hurriedly retouched up his make-up. Shinya’s face was a pouty blank, sweat being dabbed carefully from his brow.
“Kaoru to *Toshiya* wa chigaimasu,” Die pleaded, pulling at his collar. Thank the gods he wasn’t wrapped up in all-leather rock idol wear; right now he was clad in much less, his chest, thighs and arms exposed – Toshiya had hidden his tank top the night before and had forgotten where he hid it in the morning. “This *isn’t* going to work.”
“Yes, it will!” Nagano gripped his camera, trying very, *very* hard not to throw it at the uncooperative guitarist. Why couldn’t he just snap away at Kaoru and Toshiya pawing at each other’s clothes on top of the internet stations so eagerly that it made most of the crew’s noses bleed? Why did that stupid magazine have to have their “brilliant” layout concept, namely pairing Die and Shinya as well?
“But,” Die raised a hand.
“Shut up, ahou!” Kyo stuck out his tongue, his make-up melting under the lights. It didn’t help at all that he was in a suede turtleneck. “We all did our part, now stop making us wait!”
Die sulked, shooting Kyo a dirty look. For some reason he felt increasingly uncomfortable with the way Nagano wanted him to hold Shinya – he felt indecent enough with what he was wearing and did not want to be photographed *molesting* their drummer. And that Kaoru didn’t even side with him…! “You didn’t have to pose raunchy with anyone!”
Toshiya groaned in exasperation – both at Die and at the heat – and fanned at Kyo, Kaoru, and himself furiously. He had whipped off his top an hour ago and was down to his blue snakeskin pants, where Kaoru’s head lay. “Shinya isn’t complaining!”
At this Shinya looked at Die, face still expressionless, but the doe-shaped eyes were somewhat softer. Like he was pleading. “I’m starting to get dizzy, Die-senpai, so please…”
“That’s because you eat so little.” Die was chuckling at his own joke, with everyone else grunting, but a hand clamped over his mouth and he found himself eye-to-eye with serious, simmering dark pools that were more than a little insistent.
“I mean it.” Shinya took his wrist and led his hand to the small of his waist, his other hand still cupping over Die’s mouth - for the moment Die tried not to teasingly comment on Shinya’s perfectly curled eyelashes lest he earn some serious pouting. He somewhat faltered however when his fingers rested a little too near the curve of Shinya’s firm backside, the pliant-pleasant area teasing at his fingertips. “Here, put your hand lower.”
Die obeyed dumbly, a little taken aback at how uncompromising Shinya sounded. Shinya’s hand was indulgent and willing as it slid slowly up his arm, staying there, the fingers of his other hand nimbly dancing over his lips, brushing over them casually as he removed them to rest on Die’s hip. He didn’t seem to have any problems posing intimately in front of a camera, whereas Die was so nervous about it he could barely shut up.
Wait a minute… Die froze, breaking his own trail of thought. He was nervous? But why? He didn’t recognize it earlier, but…
“Try to be more convincing,” Shinya husked into his ear, pulling him closer until their chests were touching. Die found his throat suddenly dry, unable to reply. The coarse fabric of Shinya’s ridiculously transparent lace shirt created a slight friction against his bare chest and felt as if it just as well rubbed against the lower regions of his body, making him suppress a small shiver. And to make things worse, Shinya had swiveled his hips right into his lower abdomen, barely touching but definitely there.

Die tried not to groan. How the hell was he going to act more convincing in such a compromising position? It was distracting and impracticable - it wasn’t as if he could ever, ever find Shinya, little Shin-chan, sexually attractive for real!
Wait a minute… did he just say Shin-chan and sexually attractive in one sentence…?
“Whatever,” he muttered, doubly upset that his heartbeat pounded so fast in his chest for no apparent reason, and that Kyo, Toshiya and Kaoru weren’t making any of their usual, distracting noises. They could very well have vanished, leaving him alone with the swirling of his thoughts. And Shinya.
Who was quietly smacking his red-painted lips. Who was peering at him through thick, long lashes. Whose breath was a constant stroke up and down the skin of his neck and ear.

More convincing… Anything to get this over with, Die thought, splaying his fingers lower down Shinya’s spine. Why was he so uncomfortable with this? Toshiya straddled him all the time – bit his neck, his ears, even his thighs. And Kaoru! They’d probably redefine the term “intimate friends” whenever they start cavorting on stage! It was always just a put-up job – always hilarious. But now here, Shinya in a frilly, flowing black dress inching closer and closer…
Shinya looked like, acted like, spoke like, and dressed like a girl –it was only natural that he smelt like one, wasn’t it? Die expected a floral or fruity perfume, the type his female dates sprayed on every nook and cranny of their bodies, but he found something entirely different. Faint conditioner, a little scentless hair shine, and… the scent of… What was that? It reminded him of… cream-filled puffs and small cakes…
He bent closer – Shinya smelt like… Like…
A hand crept to the back of his head and Die’s eyes fluttered close to their own accord, lips pressing softly over Shinya’s temples. He always did prefer women who seemed frail, those who’d fit into his arms and stay there wanting to be held and protected. Gathering all he could he pulled at the slim waist, as much as possible, enjoying the wonderful feeling.
Until he remembered who it was in his arms, and his eyes flew open. At the same moment the camera was in action.
*flash*
“Aargh!!! My eyes!”
Die started flailing around, covering his eyes with both palms.
“Just how stupid is that expression gonna look on film,” Kyo remarked, without even meaning to be funny. Nagano simply covered his eyes, not wanting to scream, shaking his head.
“Yare, yare, never mind.” He threw his hands in the air and looked at Die frustratedly – they were so close. “ That’s a wrap, minna-sama”

~ + ~

- 20 Sangatsu; 11:45 -
It was a Monday, dreary and inglorious, continuous rain pounding against large glass windowpanes. The digital clock over the door read eleven forty-five; practice was over for half the day and the stillness was almost unsettling, almost menacing in its presence, after a good two hours of blasting synthesized sound being the norm. Ando Daisuke sat by himself on a stool, a few meters away from the rest of the other members of Dir En Grey, lips pursed as he pressed a cigarette against them and inhaled deeply, fully.

And gods was he already tired.
“Die-suki, ikimasen kaaa~a?”
Toshiya was waving at him. Legs that extended endlessly from indecent denim cut-offs raised up to rest against Kyo’s back, while Kyo squatted on the floor as they shared a smoke themselves. He said a little about udon or gyuniku for lunch, and Kyo paused from reading sheet music to follow with some lurid analogy to Toshiya’s torso. The two started chuckling and ended up toppling on top of each other on the couch.
“Un. Ikimasho.”
Somewhere before their vocalist plunged his tongue into their bassist’s throat he heard a giggly “yokatta!”, and then the two were completely cut-off to the world. Kaoru paused from walking around and double-checking all the outlets to dump his jacket over the two.
Die flashed him a “v” with his fingers and the pink-haired siren grinned back charismatically, looking pleased to see him already smoking. Kaoru walked towards him and directly shove his hand into the front pocket on his shirt, taking his lighter.
“Just watching them’s enough to make anyone horny,” the man murmured, flicking the lighter open. He was dressed the most comfortably of them all in a semi-tight shirt and loose cotton pants, the bright crimson of his shirt clashing inordinately with his hair and making him even paler than usual, his flat stomach a bright-white expanse peeking below his shirt. He sank to the floor just beside Die, running a hand through newly-washed, unusually spray-net free hair. “You’d think they’re doing it intentionally for that.”
Die shrugged. “They just might.” He glanced at the other guitarist, carefully gauging his expression he watched their other band mates necking in the studio. It was next to impossible to read the man’s thoughts most of the time, although with the way he licked slowly over his lower lip and drank the sight of the two at the moment was starting to give Die a hint.
“And damn,” Kaoru growled faintly, grabbing his guitar after crushing his half-burnt cigarette under his heel. His gaze swept swiftly over the long lean leg dangling over the edge of the sofa, a small hand caressing higher and higher up Toshiya’s thigh. “Lucky little fucker.” He said it with so much conviction that it just didn’t sound right.
Die was somewhat stunned – he wasn’t sure what of. “You mean that?”
“That’s Kyo’s a bastard, or that he’s lucky?”
“That he’s…”
Die paused. He knew Kaoru adored Kyo – his voice, his antics, even his height. He wouldn’t be surprised if Kaoru smacked him hard on the back of the head if he was the one to insult Kyo in that manner. Before he could say something Kaoru was on his feet, walking away.
Kaoru shook his head, eyes almost… wistful. “Maybe I should move on…”
That didn’t sit too well with Die. “Oi,”
Die stood up after him, perplexed. He was promptly ignored.

“Oi!”
“Don’t think too hard about it.” Kaoru waved without looking back, heading towards the dressing room. “You’ll hurt yourself. Ja ~”
He tried chasing after him, wanting an answer. “Kao,”
“Not hungry.” The hallway exit closed behind Kaoru’s back, leaving Die and his questions behind.
“Well, ja…”
Die sat back, eyes returning to the couch, where purring sounds could be heard coming from Toshiya. Or Kyo, at times. Did Kaoru just… He couldn’t be interested in Hara Toshiya, could he? Not now that Toshiya was together with Niimura Kyo; Toshiya’d been chasing Kaoru’s indomitable ass for years and he never gave the kid a chance. In the first few months that Toshiya joined them to form Dir en grey Kyo’s counseling abilities were so exhausted from listening to the bassist’s unrequited yearnings and subsequent angst that he insisted on their moving in together – just so they’d stop meeting in all sorts of suspicious places at the middle of the night for Toshiya’s sobfests. It was probably even why the two were now so inseparable.

Briefly the thought of his three bandmates making-out at the back of their van flashed in his mind.
“Gah!” Die covered his eyes, willing the rather detailed images away. He did *not* just think of Kyo naked! And Toshiya, all tied up, while Kaoru… yamero! Other pictures flooded his mind as if on cue, like a conspiracy of his currently sexually-frustrated state’s protests. And just like that the tormenting, calm words whispered over his mind, clear as the day he first heard them.
/Try to be more convincing…/
“Not again…” Die moaned, shutting the words out. Thinking of *that* moment will not help him any.
/Here, put your hand lower…/
These past few days it was always like this – talking, thinking, then suddenly, *thinking*. Thinking of many unpleasant things which he was sure felt pleasant enough if given a… No! He did not want to think of the way warm breath husked over his cheek, how soft yet unyielding hands curved over his, how silky and shiny and how…

He whimpered.
“Are you alright?”
Die looked up in surprise, looking more guilty than if he had been sharing his thoughts out loud. Shinya stood there staring at him, looking a little troubled.

“Uh…”
“You look a little flushed,” Shinya said, his honeyed tone of voice tinged with obvious worry. He bent down to look at Die’s pinked cheeks a little closer and put his hand over the older man’s forehead. “Are you not feeling well, Die-senpai?”

Die’s eyes widened as Shinya’s face came barely inches away from his, feeling the blood rush to his cheeks further. He shook his head despite of it. “I-ie…”
Shinya frowned, but the frail-looking drummer didn’t press the issue. He gave Die what he hoped was a comforting smile; no matter how small it was Die basked in the happiness that it caused to swell in his chest and he felt himself beaming in return.

Shinya looked a little surprised by his reaction but shrugged it off, turning to his attention to Toshiya and Kyo, who had fallen to the floor. Kaoru used to tease their youngest member by covering his eyes whenever the two engaged in incredibly amorous displays of affection, but in truth, Shinya didn’t seem to mind them at all. If anything he was probably used to it.
“Senpai-tachi,” Shinya’s mouth twisted into a credible pout. “Are we going to eat now?”
Kyo’s head poked out of Toshiya’s shirt and he favored Shinya a blissful grin. “Hei, hei!”
~ + ~
- 20 Sangatsu; 17:20 -
“I swear, this tour will be the death of me,” Toshiya grumbled melodramatically, sitting on the stage floor. Ultra short navy boxers were peeking just below the hem of his skirt, at first a comical sight for the band and crew alike when Kyo’s embroidered kanji became visible in vivid gray font – Kyo looked a little flustered and tried to pull Toshiya’s skirt back down but the weary bassist sulked about sweat sticking to thighs and refused to budge. By now, three full hours later, he had pulled his skirt half-way up his hips.
Die huffed, watching Toshiya mope, agreeing silently in his place. After lunch Kaoru came up with the wonderful idea of playing dress-up, and lo and behold, their personal assistants came rushing with their costumes before Kaoru even finished giving instructions. He was currently zipped-up and strapped into an artful leather trench coat, fitting close to the body, which thankfully was left unzipped in front to let some airessress over what was left exposed in his boot-clad legs. Across him Kyo looked like he was having similar miserable thoughts, pulling every once in a while at the collar of his frilly red shirt.
He hated “dress rehearsals”, having to play to an empty hall in full costume as if they were actually performing. His costume was just too hot, leather pressed tight and harsh against his arms while he was playing, around his neck, with boots and heavy hair and make-up. It must be hell for Kyo, he thought, whose entire face was coated with face paint. Not playing for anyone just drained the energy right out of him, making the stage lights and the long hours unbearable; he cast a dismal glance towards Kaoru, hoping the man would take a hint and send them packing.
“This is getting booo~oring,” Toshiya whined, unabashedly lying down completely on the floor. With no apparent difficulty - or bones, Die noted – he pulled both his legs up, stretching. He could hear Shinya saying something about the stage being dirty and Toshiya merely rolled to his stomach, sticking his tongue out. He then looked at Die.

“Ne, ne, Die-suki, do something sexy to Shinya. Ne? Ne?”
Die was suddenly glad he had a mask on - no need to react to that one. He knew his jaw would have dropped to the floor if it wasn’t so tightly restrained. “Too hot,” he muttered, refusing to look at the object of their conversation. He wiped at his forehead with the back of his hand for emphasis and tried to concentrate his gaze of the speakers Kaoru had perched on.
“You never do stupid shit anymore!” Toshiya prodded, propping himself up on his elbows. “What’s wrong? Shiii~in-chan not sexy enough tonight?”
Kyo sniggered impishly despite his apparent discomfort, pointing at Shinya. “You better wear that everyday then!” Toshiya shot his lover a frisky smirk and they both chuckled like it was some sort of inside joke.
Die bit at his lower lip, stopping himself from cursing up a storm. /Get your act together/, he angrily told himself, fighting the familiar warmth that so commonly graced his cheeks the past few days whenever Shinya was anywhere in his vicinity. People were going to notice, and soon, if he kept on freezing up like a jittery school girl whenever they mentioned Shinya’s name to him suggestively – and to think he used to do that to others all the time!
/It’s just the heat. It’s just the heat. It’s just the heat./
He opened his mouth to say something, anything, when he caught sight of Shinya laughing shyly as Kaoru lifted his shirt over his head, exposing a large span his pale chest and flat stomach, to kindly *demonstrate* how to dress sexier. Shinya covered his mouth with his hands and looked away.
Whatever it was that Die was going to say, it vanished as soon as their eyes met and Shinya blinked at him demurely, as if expecting him to join in teasing him. Shinya was blushing, and Die felt his knees start to give in.

/Shiiii~inya…/ He practically dropped his guitar when Shinya uncrossed his legs.
“Now can we finish this song?” Kaoru was done with his come-hithers and was now trying to haul Kyo and Toshiya to their feet, failing inevitably as Kyo managed to cling to his leg. “You’ve had your fun, now leave my Shinya alone.” He winked at Shinya and Toshiya giggled madly.
“Shinya doesn’t mind,” Toshiya burst out gleefully, springing up on his feet. Kaoru looked relieved that he finally stood up on his own but soon gasped as Toshiya ran towards the quiet drummer. “Shin-chan dai suki da yo!!!” In one fluid motion he had jumped over the drum set, much to Shinya’s horror, and glomped the much smaller boy; he smothered his face with noisy kisses. Die watched ountounting alarm, feeling his strapped-up body burn outrageously jealous, his head still ringing with the event of Toshiya’s token name for him being cried towards Shinya.

“Toshiya-senpai, dame!” Shinya started struggling, but was hard-pressed suppressing a fit of embarrassed giggles nonetheless as he tried protect himself with his drumsticks. “You’re getting lipstick all over my face!”
“Save it for me, babe!” Kyo called out wickedly, dulling the effect by trying to leer but ending up looking incredulously, ridiculously cute. Kaoru was still trying to dislodge him from his right leg and was threatening to whack his head with the microphone. The vocalist finally gave in and let go.
Kaoru began stamping his foot the moment it was warumono-free, starting to feel his temper rise. “Break it up, break it up! You can orgy all you want at dinner!”
Toshiya raised his hands up, batting his eyelashes like mad at Kaoru. Shinya was desperately trying to wipe at the kiss marks on his face with his sleeve. “Not guilty,” Toshiya purred, standing in front of the drummer to cover up the evidence.
Kaoru pressed two fingers over in between his eyes, feeling a vein throb there in response as Kyo couldn’t resist and ran up to his lover, tackling him to the ground. When they had crashed onto and deposed of a couple of hidden stereos Kaoru went berserk – the guitarist grabbed Die by the arm and stalked towards the two. It took about ten minutes for them to bodily separate Toshiya from Kyo’s arms, and finally they were able to go on.
They went on for a couple more hours, stopping every once in a while for one of Kaoru’s lectures, Kyo’s shrieking, and Toshiya suddenly getting serious about music in spontaneous moments of inspiration. Shinya was quiet as always, only dabbing his face with oil-blotting papers whenever Kaoru demanded that they start over, the sound of his drumming clear and consistent no matter how many times they start over. He smiled at Die whenever he caught the older guitarist staring at him, probably just grateful that he wasn’t being teased.
Die couldn’t care less if Toshiya thought Kyo should hold his breath a little longer in certain parts or if Kaoru wanted more lights coming from behind them; he was roasting whole inside his leather outfit. He could barely watch Shinya with the way sweat came trickling down his forehead and stinging his eyes constantly, and he was starting to get pissed at the way the green spotlight kept glaring at his direction. With Kaoru’s go signal he staggered off to the dressing room, unzipping the front of his suit while still in the hallways and pushing the material off his upper body. Some of the female – and male – crew were practically gawking at him as he hauled his half-naked self up the metal stairs.
What a night - Die slumped bonelessly on the floor, dragging his short, short, short leather shorts off unceremoniously. He could hear footsteps from behind him and couldn’t care less if it was his manicurist or Yoshiki who’d walk in while he was only in a black thong and knee high-boots; sweat coated every inch of his skin – he was not in the mood to be self-conscious!
“Woo hoo!” Toshiya whistled appreciatively, squatting beside him. “Hot, aren’t we?’
“Blistering,” Die growled, gathering the mess that was his hair that had been prickling his bare back. “Grab me a towel, won’t you.”
Toshiya handed him one of his own towels, and started stripping himself. His lipstick was smeared, eyeliner smudged on his left eye, hair sloppily pulled back by a hair band after the hairspray no longer kept it out of his eyes, the skin on his bare arms slick with sweat. But with a couple of graceful gestures he had divested himself of his halter top and stretched, and suddenly the gesture seemed beckoning…
Or so Die told himself that they were *not*. He clenched his fists over the towel on his hands, wanting to bury his face into the fabric need be it. Roughly he started wiping at his own damp shoulders and ignored the image a nearly nude Toshiya bore in his mind’s eye, but then Toshiya started singing, and Die started looking at him again.
Full, pouty lips, painted in dark gothic colors reminiscent of a feverish midnight passion, just like Shinya’s whenever they were on stage. But he liked Shinya’s lips better when they were bare and pink and supple, and fresh as his face whenever Die found him sitting in front of the TV in the middle of the night in his pajamas, chocolate ice cream cradled cherishingly. It was just last week in their hotel, some…

“Die-suki?”
Lithe form, small waist… just like Shinya’s waist was so slim, like a girl’s, so easy to hook an arm over as if it was meant to fit there and just tug forward, Shinya’s frail body collapsing over his. Shinya would probably blush like mad, his words questioning but his eyes pleading otherwise, wanting to be held, to be taught, to be ravished…
*Here, put your hand lower…*
“Die-suki…?”
And the boots. Toshiya wore boots all the time – it was like a shared passion with Shinya. Kaoru kicked ass while looking fetching in knee high boots and Kyo could weightlessly fly like a sprite over their heads with four inches attached to his feet – they wore their boots and became larger than life on stage in them. But Shinya could wear bitch boots all the way up to his thighs and still look like an angel - despite how racy his outfits were at times, even when he slid on those boots he still looked so…
“Die!”
Die blinked, finding Toshiya bent over him, poking at his nose. The bassist was down to his notorious boxers.
“Eh?”
“Die-suki,” Toshiya said his name lovingly, like the phrase it mimicked. “Are you alright?”
e wae was utterly confused. He found his towel a neglected bundle by his knee, and a new one, also Toshiya’s, draped over his lower body to cover him up a little. “O-of course. Why do you ask?”
Toshiya scratched the back of his head sheepishly. “You were staring at my…”
“At your?”
Despite the incessant flirty behavior, the bassist tended to be more shy and reserved during more private moments; Toshiya looked as if he changed his mind but said it anyway, appearing to have regretted doing so the moment it left his lips. “At my body.” He murmured quickly, almost mumbling the words. His cheeks pinked slightly.
“Oh?” Die remarked, chuckling. Then he noticed Toshiya’s earnest expression, and his now full-blown flush. He gulped. “Oh…”
“You’ve been acting strange, Die-suki,” Toshiya was kneeling by his side, fixing the towel on his lap while Die only looked at the handsome face so near his, listening to the sincerity of his voice. Toshiya was the most honest among them, the most transparent concerning his feelings. He smiled at Die, a little reassuringly, then went back to changing. “So quiet all day long, no practical jokes, no bullying Kyo or flirting with everyone… and now this.”
“What do you mean, *this*?” Die busied himself with his bag, turning his back at Toshiya. He wanted to tell Toshiya so much about what was troubling him, and let Toshiya’s caring words make him feel a little more sure of himself, but he just wasn’t the type to do so without a little prodding or the comforting thrum of alcohol making him more audacious.
There was shuffling, and Toshiya was suddenly beside him, looking at their reflections. Sinewy arms madeir eir way around Die’s neck. “You need to talk to someone, Die-suki?” He cooed, as if reading his mind.
“No.”
Toshiya started nibbling on Die’s ear.
“Toshiya…” Die bent forward, chuckling, shooing him away. Being around Shinya all day, near enough to almost touch him, had been all the strain his libido could afford – the trickle of Toshiya’s breath felt as stimulating against his ear as a hand looming up between his thighs. At the rate he was going he could be seeing even Kyo in a sexual light come a few more days – and that was not something he considered, in any way, morally permissible!
Toshiya smirked at him, fingers drawing random pans ons over Die’s shoulder. “You do need to talk, Die-suki. You’re so stiff these days.”
He could only nod, grabbing the hand on his shoulder and squeezing it hard. Stiff was one good way of putting it – sometimes literally. “I need to think about it first, okay? And then I’ll tell it to you.”
Toshiya only stared at him for a few seconds; after nodding back he whipped the towel off his lap, chuckling light-heartedly, and wrapped it around his hips. “A’ight, I’ll go get Kyo. I don’t think Kaoru could baby-sit him for too long.”
“Oi,” Die grabbed his elbow. He wanted to say thank you, but it seemed awkward; Toshiya did sweet things like this all the time to everyone. “Great job today,” he said instead, tipping his chin at the bassist. Toshiya beamed, genuinely pleased, and scuffled happily towards the door.

Was he really so quiet these days, Die wondered after Toshiya left, removing the rest of his make-up with the handy-dandy one-step facial cloths Kaoru had been supplying everyone. His recent feelings for Shinya had fully hit him with the force of a tsunami, and for the past eight days or so he had wondered about what happened between them throughout the years.
Perhaps the realization was a little too much to understand, even for him; if he was ever going to get involved with a band mate he always thought their leader the most likely candidate. He alwaalways considered Kaoru to make for a strikingly handsome woman, and he would not deny their leader’s presence in many of his more, ahem, lurid fantasies, copping a feel in real life a much as he can in the name of fan service.
Yeah, Die thought, Niikura Kaoru was *it*. Although generally a private man with his feelings Kaoru had no such reservations with his body - how many times had Die seen him strip down and shower while he was still around? Kaoru was just sleek and elegant and captivating, and his body was so hot, Die also mused. Whenever Kaorussedssed his ass back against his groin during lives it was like a sharp sexual trap urging him to go further. Sometimes he could swear Kaoru was intentionally teasing him. He was such a siren.

But Shinya…
Shinya was just the high school kid who came to practice with them in Kisaki’s house in his crisp gray uniform, who fastened his hair back with bobby pins, whom Kyo brought ice cream for and who he pressured to try smo. On. One day they just became La Sadies and Shinya was a little boy in a dress; before he knew it they were Dir en grey and Shinya…
Shinya had become…

He couldn’t say it! Not Shinya! Die couldn’t even remember when he stopped calling him Shin-chan; Shinya was still their group baby, even though he knew they’d all rather hang themselves than admit it. Well, maybe Toshiya wouldn’t, but he certainly would!

But…
He was just, well, in a strange phase, or so Die thought to himself as he groped his back pockets for a cigarette. Sometimes he’d be walking around, doing nothing and something at the same time, as if he wasn’t inside a room full of people but just watching from afar, watching everyone. He’d be fixing his stuff one minute and before he could have an opportunity to crack a joke, something he never gave thought to before, someone would already be pointing out that he’d been so still. Listening to his other members, as if meeting them again for the first time, kept most of his thoughts occupied, so much that he’d find himself done and somewhat confused on what to do next.
That moment was not an exception. Lost in his thoughts Die found himself outside the building, just standing there. He had absolutely no idea how he got there, or how he even got dressed. An unlit cigarette dangled from his lips. In front of him Kyo was staring at his face with an amused expression, just waiting to be noticed.
“W-what”, he asked, trying not to act startled. Without make-up and in normal clothes Kyo was a darling, but he still, for some reason, managed to be menacing at the same time – like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, maybe. Truth be told Die almost screamed.
“I said everyone’s waiting in the van.” The current blonde was looking at him with a peculiar expression, one that Die saw frequently whenever Kyo was up to something. It was kind of cute, but alarm bells were ringing in his head; he was glad he didn’t make the mistake of blurting out “kawaii” at the moment.
They weren’t alone, were they?
Too late - without another word Kyo clung around his waist suddenly, forcefully, making him ‘oof’ at the pressure. “K-kyo! Omae ga…”
Die raised a brow as Kyo pressed his lips together, inclined to silence. And then the perky singer was walking backwards, hauling him in his arms in what could be the stupidest-looking situation Die had been in a while – and he had been in a *lot* of crazily stupid situations with Kyo! His feet practically were dragged along as Kyo sniggered. “Oi, oi, Kyo! OIII~I!”
Kyo didn’t stop until they were in the van, where Toshiya’s laughter floated across the parking lot. Thin arms packing surprising strength gripped his sides tighter and Die found himself hauled bodily inside, Kyo not considerate in the least of the tall guitarist’s elbows and knees hitting everich ich surface. Just as he was dumped on the middle seats Kyo was a blur of motion, jumping over the seats to the back of the van where Toshiya waited with open arms.

“Kyo, you little gaki, I can walk you know!” Die rubbed at his head, having it smacked on the side of the door while Kyo manhandled him. He heard Shinya giggling and glared, then cursed himself silently when the drummer consciously looked away. He didn’t even think Kyo could manage to lift his own baggage – and Die had been thoughtfully playing concierge to him all these years! Years!
Kyo’s head popped beside his, a finger poking at his cheek. “Did you even know that it was raining outside while you just stood there, Dai-chan?”
Die glared, adamantly denying the accusation. That stupid Kyo was purposely trying to sound so condescending!!! “Of course!” He fumed, trying to swat Kyo’s hand away as Kyo continued to poke at him again and again. Shinya was seated across him, three seating places away, watching them quietly now.
“Die,” Kaoru peered back from the front seat, looking every bit as amused as Kyo. To his credit, he wasn’t laughing, though. “It isn’t raining.”
He looked outside, at the dry, rainless dark space that he was dragged from, then looked slowly at Kyo, who covered his mouth in mock surprise. Then he grabbed Die’s face with both hands, no small feat from the backseat, and eyed him very, very seriously.
“Henda, henda, henda na, Die-*sama*.”
And then Kyo disappeared into the dark recesses of the back of the van, never to resurface again.

Oh great, Die thought, that was just great! Kyo - even that little monster - thought he was weird; how weird was that?! He slumped back in his chair, facing out the window. As for Shinya, well… Die huffed, secretly eyeing the drummer at the other side of the van, trying so hard not to be noticed that his felt his eyeballs hurting in their sockets for turning too much. There was no one beside him just as the seat beside Die was also empty; the small gap between their seats seemed to be so much wider, Shinya so far from him. He was also looking out the window – or was he asleep? – quiet and still.
A thought entered his mind randomly, just as he was about to close his eyes; why did he love teasing Shinya so much? He had been doing it for as long as he remembered, which was strange now that he considered of it. Shinya never talked back, whined, or acted a b a brat; there was really no fun in teasing him. And looking so fragile, Die wondered how he formed the habit of pushing Shinya around – was seeing him stumble at even the lightest push really so funny?
There were no hard feelings between them however – and maybe that was why he continued to do it. He had always liked Shinya; perhaps like was not the most appropriate term, but it was close. More of a sort of fondness. Shinya had always been so sweet; Die at many times in the past found himself wishing that he’d find a girl just like Shinya, who was gentle and clever and talented, and reasonable, and unassuming, and earnest.
And adorable, Die thought, remembering the first time Shinya showed up in make-up for a live. Everyone had doubled up in laughter except for Kaoru, who tried in vain to even out what he could with the back of his hand before they went out on stage. Shinya’s eyes had welled-up in near humiliation but Kaoru had been so encouraging, murmuring a couple of soothing words and assurances; finally Shinya simply nodded and took his hand and they all went to perform together.
Did he always feel this way about Shinya? He remembered feeling like a heel all at once when he saw the way Shinya clutched at Kaoru’s arm appreciatively that night, and wishing so much that he had come forward to help the drummer first. Then perhaps if it were so, if he had acknowledged that first feeling of consideration for the boy then, the totality of all his accumulated feelings for him would not have dropped on him like a bomb now.
But still, he doubted it were the case. Shinya had been too young; another memory sparked in his mind and he almost laughed out loud. He remembered one time, when he bought an oversized X-Japan shirt for Shinya – is Shs Shinya’s 19th birthday. He kept on asking Shinya to drink some more until finally, at around two in the morning when they were all half-drunk, Shinya finally showed some sign of weariness and started to remove his top. Halfway through he passed-out; it was a good thing Die had caught him before he cracked his skull open at their kitchen floor.
He recalled Shinya’s arms snaking around his neck then, smiling at him groggily. And then he uttered one unmistakable name, spoken like a prayer, before passing-out again. Yoshiki-sama, he had said, lovingly nuzzling Die’s cheek; Die had laughed so hard that he almost dropped him.
But for some reason, even though he always enjoyed teasing Shinya in front of people, he felt compelled to ignore Toshiya and the others’ questions when they came running to him then. He felt as if Shinya had not intended for that to slip out; not then, or maybe ever. Shinya never answered about his love life in interviews or in private. Die guarded the memory of that night closely, knowing that there was something about Shinya that he knew solely, whether or not Shinya remembered to have told him the next day. Right now he wasn’t sure if Shinya preferred men in general to women, or if Yoshiki was an exception, but the thought that he was at least open to the idea was one thing Die was now very glad to be sure of.
The van door was suddenly jerked open and Die scrambled back, finding Kaoru outside. Kaoru looked surprised himself for a moment before shaking his head and lunging forward to grab Die’s wrist, pulling him out.
“Think when you’re alone, man.” Kaoru caressed the side of his waist briefly before pushing him away from the van, assisting Shinya down as well. He flinched as he realized that there were cameras still trailing them and waved at a couple of photographers before walking inside. Behind him he could hear cheering, Toshiya probably managing a trick or two.
/Think while you’re alone./ Die glanced back, finding Toshiya clinging onto Shinya’s arm to the public’s delight. He shook his head and pulled the backpack tighter against his back.
/Yeah, right./

~ + ~
- 21 Sangatsu; 2:11 -
Dammit, it was all that stupid photographer’s fault! Die grasped his head, the thought of the photo shoot circling his brain for hours.

He pulled a dark red robe from the floor, finally deciding to get up. It was two in the morning – final dress rehearsals werertinrting at eight the next day and Yoshiki was coming to make sure it started at eight. He wanted to strangle himself for staying up so late; Kaoru specifically told them not to stay out too late after dinner and save their energy. Even Kyo and Toshiya were probably asleep by now, whereas he was up and about, looking for cigarettes, prowling around his room naked. Tying the robe loosely over his waist he sank to the floor after lighting up, eyeing the mini-bar significantly.
Another beer, or two, was all he needed, he told himself.
Shinya, Shinya, Shinya… The kid was messing with his head real bad, he thought, raiding the small fridge for a brand other than Asahi. It was still hard to believe that he was attracted to the drummer just because he smelt wonderful, and felt wonderful in his arms, during their photo shoot. He’d done considerably a lot more with about two or three women in his life – he’d never actually felt something so potent with just a touch before, like an instant hunger.
Or was it really instant? Had he been attracted to Shinya all this time? Without knowing it? He must have asked and answered this question a hundred times by now – he kept going in circles!
He’d tried staring at the drummer during dinner, his face fresh and free of make-up, richly ginger-colored hair tied back neatly. He wasn’t wearing anything conspicuous or racy – in fact he looked like he was trying to blend into the crowd as much as possible. Loose jeans, a boat-necked soft blue shirt with long sleeves, almost no jewelry. He looked as plain as day.
Or maybe plain was the wrong word. Die rested his head back against the wall, looking for the right word. Shinya looked… wholesome. Sunny. Golden. He looked… He looked so real, Die thought, and without delay he started mulling over the implications of that. Did he want the lace-clad, racy, dolled-up Shinya, or the unassuming, considerate, childlike one?
Maybe he had wanted Shinya all along, only part of him could not reconcile Shinya’s youthful image in his eyes with his more carnal needs – the type only Kaoru had managed to inspire in him. And perhaps although Shinya was plenty sensual a creature for Die himself he had paled in comparison in the past because Die had already cast Kaoru as the focal point of his desires - possibly to divert whatever Shinya inspired in Die that Die refused to acknowledge due to Shinya’s age. Hell, just pretending to want Shinya on stage made him guilty enough; the possibility of that happening in real life was an episode he had long suppressed.

“Aa, crap.” Die crushed the tip of what remained of his cigarette against the face of his own watch, not wanting to burn a hole in the carpeting, and decided to go back to bed. He’d have to try to fall asleep even if it meant counting sheep because tomorrow was not the right day to doze off while plucking guitar strings – Kyo’d kick his ass and he’d deserve it. He closed his eyes and starting humming some past favored Malice Mizer single, letting his body adjust to the welcome sensation of silky bed sheets.
*thud*
Die opened his eyes, surprised to hear something rumble against his hotel room’s left wall. He often heard it coming from his other band mate’s rooms before, usually during wee hours of the morning – sometime during the tour he concluded that it was Kyo and Toshiya getting a little too, er, aggressive. But knowing Toshiya, he’d tie Kyo up if he had to just to make sure the vocalist had a good night’s rest before a big day.
Was Kaoru trying to wear himself out to sleep?
*crash*
He stood up, grateful for something to do as well as someone to feel rotten with. Die grabbed his robe and tied it more securely over himself this time, carefully peeking outside his room. Darkness. Die tiptoed with bare feet, fully aware that if Kaoru was not the one making noise, Kyo and Toshiya may not be pleased to be interrupted! He looked both ways as if he was afraid to get run over by a car then made his way to the next door.
Alone, standing full awake in the empty hotel halls, completely nude under his whisper of a robe; Die paused suddenly, the thought striking him - somewhere among the rooms near his was Shinya’s room, Shinya’s bed, and Shinya’s, well, Shinya himself. Shinya often slept lightly, with his blankets covering over his face. He looked like an angel, Die reminisced dreamily.
If only he had the courage to…
Resolutely Die squished the thought, refusing to make a fool out of himself. Shinya was asleep. Shinya was not interested in him. Shinya would more likely stab at his eye with a drumstick if Die crawled onto the drummer’s bed rather than welcome him. But if he did welcome him…
/Stop it, you shotakon-hentaii/, he chided himseleforefore he could change his mind he grabbed the doorknob next to his room where the sound came from, hoping against hope that it would open and he would not have to knock and wait and stand there alone a second more with his explicit notions of seducing Shinya. Let Kyo and Toshiya worry about what to do with him!
*click*
Fortunately, the door opened easily. Without any hesitation he scurried inside, chased by lurid, lurid Shinya thoughts.
To his surprise, it was pitch dark and utterly calm. Unsure of what he could trip over or step on he stood in place, listening, and decided to ask rather than wait or step back outside. “Kyo?”
Silence. If Kyo was in the room, a pillow would have hit his face by now, which meant that it he wasn’t in Kyo’s room. And if Kyo wasn’t there, Toshiya wouldn’t be either. Worry started to plague him and he groped backwards, searching for the door as subtly and quickly as possible when he realized that he was probably in Kaoru’s room, who was the least likely to be happy to find him up and about if he woke him up. In his panic he stepped back just as he was about to open the door and hit his head on the light switch.

/Oh fuck./
was was still dark and Die realized that he had only turned on the balcony lights, which cast a faint glow from outside the curtains but hardly made the room any brighter. He let out an explosive breath, then snuck a glance at the bed just to make sure Kaoru was still there, still oblivious.
/Good./
Die went back to the door, when he did a double take. The bed was empty.
He turned around fully, trying to adjust his eyes to the darkness. He could see a little clearly now, especially the side of the bed where the light source was nearest. No Kaoru in sight. Die looked around, finding himself in an empty room.
Empty, except for a shadow huddled in one corner of the room, parallel to where he stood. Die blinked. Was there someone there? If Kaoru was already awake then good. He made his way nearerndlyndly, still unable to see all that much. Of course he no longer watched where he was walking as he stared at the corner. His foot stepped over something round and hard, like a glass, and he came tumbling backwards to the ground.
“Senpai!”
Die stared at the ceiling, confused about how he got to that position. He felt a light hand land on his knee and belatedly, just as he was elbowing himself up, recognized the hushed voice that called his name.
The fingers felt cold over his skin; Die was immobilized in an instant, the earlier silence lost to the rapid pounding in his chest, so heavy and loud to his ears that he could swear it was truly audible.
“Die-senpai, are you alright?”
Die could have punched himself in his helplessness. /Say something, you wimp./
“Shinya!” he huffed, sounding shocked and stupid to his own ears. He remembered ushering the drummer towards last room in the hall the day before. “What are doing here?”
“It’s my room.” Was the quiet reply, a whisper. He could barely make-out Shinya’s features – only the outline of his face, his arms. “Toshiya-senpai didn’t want me staying too far away from everyone. Why are you here?”
“I wanted…” Die swallowed hard, willing his thoughts to behave. Suddenly he wished he had taken that Asahi.
/I wanted you./
“I wanted to know what the noise was.” Die tried so hard to see Shinya’s face, feeling as if he was still talking to an empty room in the solitary company of his Shinya soliloquies. There was a switch somewhere near them, he was sure – every room had one near the TV. “Why didn’t you answer when I called for you?”
“You called for Kyo-senpai. You really… you really should go.”
There it was – Die knelt up, reaching for the nightlight. “You could have told me that it was your…”
It was barely brighter than a candle, but as if frightened Shinya jerked back as soon as the small nightlight was turned on, covering his face and curling up away from it. Die almost switched it off reflexively… until he caught sight of the floor.
He *did* slip on a glass.
“Shinya?” What the…
White pills were all over the carpet, some red and yellow tablets, a pitcher of water also lying down – that he could make-out in the dim blur. Shinya was huddling away from him, barely covered bed bed sheet, hiding in a tangle of slender legs and arms and white fabric, blending in the shadows. Die bent forward towards him, extending a hand to his shoulder; Shinya didn’t move away from him but did not respond either. He simply refused to look up. “Shinya, what is all this?”
“Nani mo…” Shinya murmured, “Go to sleep, senpai. It’s not as dramatic as it looks.” He pulled the blanket over an exposed shoulder, breaking contact with Die.
Sleeping pills, the bottle by his leg read in English, but the other one was too far to understand. If he got angry, or raised his voice, Shinya would probably fold up like a leaf and demand that he go away. As calmly as he could Die spoke, gently, wishing so badly that he was as close to Shinya as Kaoru. “Why do you need sleeping pills, Shinya?”
“To sleep.”
Die pressed his lips together. /Be patient. You adore this boy./

“And the other pills are?”
Shinya, for the first time, looked at him; his face was so pale, expression beset with worry that Die could not have imagined Shinya showing. He looked like he was about to say something when the door opened again, a shock of pink hair gliding through it.
“Die?”
Die knew his face had to showing it; his feelings were starting to betray him. Whatever composure he may have had was completely thrown off as Kaoru padded barefoot towards them, wearing *Shinya’s* Yoshiki t-shirthe ohe one Die had given him – and nothing apparent underneath. Kaoru sat near them and reached out to Shinya, who instantly drew closer to him.
“Don’t tell the others, Die,” was all he said. He started picking up the pills, gathering them with both hands. He paused briefly to wipe at Shinya’s cheek with the back of his hand, voice also barely above a whisper. “His back and my arms are sore from the drums.”
“But,” He wondered if he should talk – Die felt the surface of skinskin burn with jealousy as Shinya turned to Kaoru’s touch, turning it into more of a caress. And Shinya, for as long as Die could remember, never complained about his job; Kaoru’s words didn’t make much sense to him yet. And… was Shinya crying?
“It’s nothing. Just a painkiller or two always does the trick.” Shinya tried to smile at him.
Kaoru closed his eyes, looking so obviously angry and frustrated at the same time even in the dark. Shinya was so bad at lying it was a wonder he ever attempted it. “Shinya.” It was a one-word insinuation.
“Really.” There was a sadness in Shinya’s voice, and a little desperation; Die ached to hear it. Kaoru slammed his palm hard on the floor and Shinya cringed, silencing immediately. They looked at each other and Kaoru clutched the drummer’s wrist.
“Sumimasen. I’m not angry at you. But I told you already, so many times…”
Shinya shook his head. “It’s just for tonight.”
“Oh, come on, Shinya!” Die didn’t know why, but Kaoru knelt forward and pulled the frail form to his body, so angry that he couldn’t control his voice any more. “Why didn’t you just call me?”

“Because,”
Shinya was quiet for a while. Die thought he might be laughing softly. Seeing him there, in Kaoru’s arms, their bodies so close together – it was so surreal. He wanted to talk, to remind them that he was there, to prove to *himself* that he was still there. Seeing Shinya’s respite he cleared his throat.

“So,” his voice sounded so much louder than theirs. Die wanted to pull the two apart so that he could start thinking more clearly. “You made this mess, Kaoru?”
“It’s not safe for your health, you know,” Kaoru answered his question as if he was still talking to Shinya, but at least he looked at Die. His tone was different when talking to them; with Shinya he sounded so devoted. To him… Kaoru’s voice was the same, but Die thought it to be different now that he saw how it was – iya, whatever it was - between them. “I’ve told him plenty of times – he won’t listen.”
“What do you insist he do, then?” For some reason Die felt compelled to take Shinya’s side, despite the fact that the two weren’t fighting and that he knew Kaoru was probably right. He didn’t intentionally try to sound defensive.
Kaoru flicked a small container onto the carpet, just small enough to be carried in the palm of his hand. It was some sort of salve – he’d seen Kaoru’s assistant use it on his arms before – the type that warmed up the surface of the skin to ease tense muscles and body aches. After a moment Shinya pulled away, much to Die’s relief. Kaoru picked up the salve. “This stubborn boy won’t even admit when he’s in pain.”
“Anou…”
“If you’re too embarrassed to ask me, which I’ll never understand why, then at least tell someone else.”

Shinya scratched the back of his head. “You’re always the most tired, Kaoru.”
Die inhaled sharply, hearing Shinya speak that way. Did he hear right? Did Shinya call Kaoru by his first name alone, without any honorifics? Were they really that intimate? He pushed out the implications of *that* and tried to butt in the conversation again; the more private the exchange seemed, the more unwelcome he felt, which he did *not* want to feel. “Why don’t you ask me?”
Shinya looked surprised, then a little touched, by the offer – or so he wanted to believe. And then faintly, after what seemed an eternity of thought, Shinya’s voice floated to his ears, uttering what sounded like the most common fact in the world.

”You’re an asshole.”
Die faltered. “Shinya…!”
He could not have heard that – not coming from Shinya’s pretty mouth and in Shinya’s gentle voice! Die would have plainly asked Shinya to say it again, just to be sure he did say it, but then he remembered that Shinya was in terrible pain and it would be dawn in an hour or so. He wished he could pull him into his arms as easily as Kaoru did; the older man was picking up the pellets on the floor again and only looked up to nod at him.
“Kaoru?”
Kaoru patted Shinya’s head. “I know, you don’t want to bother me. Maybe Die-senpai you won’t be so considerate with?”
Shinya nodded. “As long as you can sleep already…” Die felt a little hurt, Shinya implying that he cared for Kaoru’s well-being much more than his, but knowing that they would be alone had started his heart racing again.

“Un.” Kaoru pulled the black shirt over his head and let it plop downide ide Shinya. “I’ll be okay. Sorry I soaked us, a’ight?” He left as quickly as he came, going outside in his red boxers. Despite the lull of jealous thoughts making him almost dislike Kaoru Die for a moment paused in his angst to admire the slender form in the darkness, moving gracefully away from them – it was nearly impossible for him not to notice. Once the door shut behind him however the room felt surprisingly vacant, without Kaoru’s unwavering presence; now they were alone and they *felt* all alone.
“Need any help?” Was the first thing that came to his mind, seeing Shinya struggle to his feet. He stood up right away to assist him; Shinya stumbled, and Die, remembering how dreadful it was to watch Kaoru baby Shinya, took the opportunity to catch him in his arms.
“Here. Kami, you’re freezing.”
/Kami, this feels good./
Shinya was a light bundle in his arms, talking to him as if trying to apologize for insulting hirlierlier. But it came in breathless whispers, slender shoulders fighting for warmth that was found within D gra grasp as well as struggling against it, the present tenderness between them something Shinya did not seem to understand or oblige from him. “You’ve always been v-very helpful, I know – I know I can count on you, too. I’m sorry for… what I said.” You don’t have to defend yourself, he seemed to say.
Die’s mind was working overtime, knowing full well that Shinya wasn’t just making him guilty, and that now was *not* the time to tease the drummer about keeping tabs on him. He shuffled, finding a comfortable position where he could stay and keep embracing Shinya. The boy was probably wearing only his underwear under the sheets and strangely this did not incite any lurid thoughts in him more than it made him worry about Shinya’s health. He wanted to hold him closer – he wanted to ask Shinya not to keep his arms shielded between them.
/I wish you *meant* that./
He wanted to say that Shinya never asked for help, never seemed to need it; he wanted to insist that if there was any chance he could have done something, he would have just as he would to Kyo, or Toshiya, or Kaoru. He wanted to tell Shinya that he was being overly sensitive, that he was being demanding, that he was being paranoid… He wanted to tell him so many things and see Shinya smile at him, and say that he understood, and say that he had always waited for Die to tell him those things.
He wanted to tell him that…
He wanted to tell him that he never considered Shinya would feel before, because he never felt this way about him before. And that he was sorry, that he was wrong, and that if he didn’t stumble I here by mistake nothing would have probably changed regardless of his feelings. He wanted to say that he never knew anything about him at all and that he had always thought otherwise. He wanted to say that he cared for Shinya, but more so, he wanted so much to *believe* that it was what Shinya *wanted* to hear.
But the words stayed in his heart, and the moment simply passed by. All Die could say was, “I haven’t really done much for you, have I?”
Shinya didn’t respond, most likely unable to hear him anymore, and Die felt something, warm and hushed and longed-for, soak through the fabric over his chest. There wasn’t much he could say now. He wished that he could say that Shinya was crying for him, for hurt, suppressed feelings, for something that was between them. But Shinya’s arms were limp and lifeless under his and he knew that he was crying because of the pain caused by playing the drums.
/I wish this moment was *ours*. I *wish* I could mean more to you./
He laid a hand on Shinya’s back, slowly forming wide circles and gradually making his way beneath the sheet that separated skin from skin. He wanted to say sorry, to say… so many other things even if Shinya didn’t need it, because *he* himself needed to say them; he wanted to know what it was that he didn’t know about him and pretend that it was his fault he never found them out – he could do something about it if it was his fault. But Shinya was quiet and still in his arms, and he was more at ease with that than giving the boy more to think of that night.
Die closed his eyes, enjoying the feelings so warm and real, *suddenly* so real. Shinya didn’t have to know about it just yet – maybe he never had to know about them, or maybe he already kneith ith Shinya, he never could tell.
But as long as he could hold him like this, then…

/Nevertheless./

Owarimashita ~
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