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To Go That Far	By : xico Category: J-Rock/J-Pop & K-Pop > Kagrra, Views: 1342 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Kagrra. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-To Go That Far
- 1
Disclaimer: I do not represent these celebrities in any way, nor do I own them. I do not make any profit from this.
To Go That Far
Another night, another live. Another cramped live house with a mediocre sound system.
He swayed to the beat of Izumi’s drumming, brows slightly furrowedkohlkohl-lined eyes peered through unruly blond bangs at the guitar he cradled. Isshi’s voice soared through the live house and he waited one, two beats before running callused fingers expertly over the strings, effortlessly following Akiya’s lead. The other guitarist was obviously enjoying himself, practically glowing with pride as he grinned at the dark sea of excited faces. He glanced at the other side of the dimly lit stage, where Nao had one foot on an amplifier, head bent in concentration as he sang to himself. Their blue-haired drummer was smiling, his movements smooth and unhindered in spite of the long sleeves of the kimono he had on. Isshi stood before them all, head thrown back in song. The vocalist’s hands led the dance with fluid grace and fans twirled, dipped and rose in response, albeit a lot clumsier than the deft flicks of Isshi’s wrists. Under the strobe lights of the cramped live house, the paper fans seemed to glow like the fluttering wings of countless butterflies and Shin watched, transfixed.
It was mesmerizing. Beautiful, almost magical.
It was… routine.
He mentally growled at that thought but it stuck out its tongue, then settled down and refused to leave. At this point Isshi’s voice hit an impossibly high note before falling several octaves to a sultry croon. Shin blinked; he knew this part. His guitar duet with Akiya was coming up soon… he couldn’t afford to get distracted, much less by his own depressing thoughts. Yet the thought was undeniably there along with memories of his parents’ disapproving stares and his playing faltered, almost missing a note. Almost. He doubted anyone noticed.
/C’mon, Shin, focus./
A bounding flash of violet caught his eye and he turned instinctively to see Nao bouncing towards him, looking resplendent in a simple kimono with his hair twisted and held up with crisscrossing pins. Some particularly ardent fans screamed, “Nao-sama!” but instead of turning to them like he usually does, the perky bassist caught Shin’s eye and gave a pretty smile followed by a quick thumbs-up. The recipient of that smile caught his breath and almost forgot what the friendly gesture was for – the fast-approaching guitar duet. Hands tightened on tuitauitar in a determined grip. He wouldn’t screw this up – that irritating voice in his head be dd – d – he refused to. Not in front of Nao. He narrowed his eyes in concentration –
His mother’s accusing glare; angry fingers tuggit tht the kimono he had on.
He shook his hair out of his eyes and began to play.
“What is this?! Haou nou no shame? You’re a man, for god’s sake!”
“Why didn’t you finish school like we told you to? You could have gotten a decent job, a good salary… this idea of a band is ridiculous!”
Jaw tightened, he slid his fingers over the strings with grace borne from familiarity as the steady rhythm of Nao’s bass pounded beside him.
His father patted his back reassuringly. Their eyes met; the older man offered a smile but the disaptmentment in his eyes was evident and cutting.
Shin felt his emotions twist inside him. They demanded release and he was all too happy to grant it. Eyelids falling to half-mast, he poured his feelings, raw and unsorted into the music.
“I know you want to lead your own life, but son… maybe you should think again about being in this band of yours.”
“How long has it been? Three years? Four? You haven’t even gone major yet!”
“This is Mai-san, mum’s new friend at work. Mai, this is my son. He’s a… ano, he’s unemployed.”
It felt good to vent. He wasn’t good with words – they were complicated, many held unintended implications and it was hard to find the right ones he needed; sometimes it felt as though he was treading in a field of mines. It was much easier to express himself with music. Music spoke too, only in a different language.
“I really don’t know what all of you are thinking of, strutting around in that get-up.”
“How are you going to support a family like this?”
“Maybe it’s just a dream. Maybe it’s time for you to accept this and get a real job.”
Pride, resentment, defiance, uncertainty… they clawed for an outlet so he let the raw emotions pour into his playing and fuel it. Hands moving almost of their own accord, he played, until the lights and the screaming fans seemed to fade. Until his band mates and the song they were bringing to life seemed to be the only reality –
He remembered his mother’s voice, uncharacteristically quiet as he prepared to leave home again after the break.
The song had fully awoken and it pulsed gently, ready to bloom.
Her eyes were filled with sincere worry.
He let his melody twine with Akiya’s, one complementing the other, guided by Izumi and Nao to rise and reverberate through the live house. Isshi’s voice glided sweetly over them all.
“Shin… are you sure this is worth it?”
He had remained silent then, and his own silence haunted him now. Glaringly bright spotlights snapped on and applause jolted him back into the present. The song was over. He could see dust in the corners of the stage, even on a few battered speakers under the harsh light. Recent magic worked by the darkness seemed to have faded like a dream.
Shin couldn’t help but feel a bit empty.
He blinked when he realized how close to the edge of the stage he had moved during the song, then awkwardly strode back to his usual corner. Isshi was addressing their fans, completely comfortable with being the center of attention and, briefly, the blond envied his poise and grace. He, in contrast, could never be totally at ease onstage.
Izumi was stretching behind his drum set, face flushed from drumming the whole night. He exchanged a quick high-five with Akiya as the latter bounded past before turning to grin at Shin, who returned the gesture with a warm, if slightly shy smile as he set down his guitar carefully. There was some excited squealing to his right – their bassist was leaning slightly over the fans as he cheerfully tossed his used pick –; he hesitated then wandered to squat quietly in a corner, tugging absently at his bulky headband as Isshi thanked their fans and repeated his promise of making Kagrra a better band. The usual. He listened anyway, not out of boredom but because his friend’s calm, determined tone was strangely reassuring.
Light footsteps, a sudden breeze. A slight thump as a body settled next to him. Shin lifted his head a bit, peering through his hair to meet a pair of warm brown eyes. Nao smiled back at him.
“Bored?” asked the bassist. Wisps of hair had escaped from the tight clutches of the hairpins and they fell to frame his face. Shin shrugged, watching Nao puff at the hair in his eyes. They sat in silence for a while before Shin felt warmth leaning against his side. Nao spoke, his voice sounding a lot closer.
“Ne…” The brunette’s tone was thoughtful. “Is there something bothering you?” Shin quirked an eyebrow.
“Why do you ask?”
“You were pretty distracted, weren’t you?” Nao replied as he mirrored Shin’s earlier shrug, rubbing his shoulder against the guitarist’s in the process. The blond averted his gaze again, barely managing to suppress a shiver.
“Aa.”
So someone did notice how he had almost missed that cursed note. It was a subtle mistake though, undetectable unless… Brows furrowed mildly in a suspicious frown.
“Were you watching me?” The question was out of his mouth before he could think so now it hung, suspended in silence, between them. The warm weight on his side shifted, lifted; and this time Shin did shiver. He risked a quick glance to find Nao stretching beside him with his face turned away.
“And you didn’t smile,” the brunette continued nonchalantly as if he had not heard the question. “Not that you usually go around beaming onstage but ne, Shin, you were poker-faced the whole night!”
The guitarist in question fidgeted a little, gaze turned down. He almost jumped with Nao’s face suddenly filled his vision. The bassist gave an impish grin, eyes ly oly obscured by his hair, his head cocked to one side.
“Say, Shin-chan, what would make you smile?”
Some of the fans had started whispering and pointing in their direction. While Nao didn’t seem to notice or mind, Shin felt like squirming under the extra attention.
“…Whatever,” he mumbled as he scrambled to his feet and absently helped his friend up. They stood, hands still linked. The guitarist could feel curious stares from his other band mates and the fans, as well as the slow heat that was creeping up his face.
“Really, you should smile more,” the bassist continued as he dusted himself off with one hand. “You look cute smiling and the fans love it…”
Something within Shin sank even as he continued shifting uncomfortably under the weight of the stares, noting with some embarrassment that he was still holding the brunette’s hand.
“Ne…” came the sweet voice after a short silence. “What can I do to make you smile now?”
The blond observed the cheeky grin on his friend’s face with a sense of trepidation. He shrugged again, not quite knowing what to do with the other’s slender fingers so comfortably nestled in his own. Nao leaned down, closer to the shorter man, still ignoring the increasing whispers and stares from everyone else.
“What if I did this…” he whispered, breath fluttering on the other’s face. Their gazes met and locked. For a moment, Shin thought he saw a flicker of unknown emotion flit across the pretty face but he never got the chance to wonder before Nao closed the gap between them gracefully, planting a quick kiss on the guitarist’s lips. He gasped a little, lashes lowering involuntarily at the soft touch; then it was over and all the fans were squealing. The taller man pulled away grinning. Shin blinked – was that a hint of a blush he’d seen? –, slightly dazed as the bassist slung a friendly arm over his shoulders. His lips tingled.
“Still didn’t make you smile, huh,” Nao teased. “Maybe next time…? Shin-chan, you’re all red!”
The last comment was delivered with a giggle as the blond fidgeted and tried his best to shrink inside his slightly over-sized clothes. He could hear Izumi’s chuckles over the fans. Isshi raised an eyebrow, then obviously decided to take pity on him and quickly wrapped up the speech. The cheering started anew as Kagrra gathered and did their custom group bow. Shin waved shyly at the sea of excited faces, all the while wondering why he was still holding Nao’s hand.
“Got any more cotton balls?
“Sure, catch!”
“Izumi, watch out!”
“Huh?!”
The leader of Kagrra spun around at Isshi’s warning, just in time to see an entire packet of fluffy cotton balls hurtling… right. At. Him. There was still time to avoid collision. He could duck, maybe catch the packet or simply bend down. He froze instead. Luckily, Izumi was just short enough to avoid getting hit… if his hair hadn’t been piled on the back of his head in an elaborate bun. As it was, the plastic-wrapped bundle of doom bounced off his head with a satisfying ‘whump’ and Akiya’s open laughter started right on cue, backed up by Nao’s chuckles.
“Sorry! Pass me the packet anyway,” Akiya snickered as he tugged off his heavy boots.
Rolling his eyes, the blue-haired drummer kicked the offending bag to his friend, nearly tripping Isshi in the process. Things were always hectic backstage after a live, especially when all of them were fighting for the only bathroom in the live house. Shin won this time since he’d been the first to scurry offstage, right into the bathroom after pausing to hastily scrub off his makeup… he suspected that the guitarist’s speed was due to his re emb embarrassment though. The blond was already rather shy for a performer, and considering that Kagrra seldom performed fan service it was no wonder Shin had gotten so flustered.
“Don’t rub so hard! You’re not supposed to remove makeup with brute force,” Isshi chided from behind him, distracting him from his thoughts
Izumi paused in the middle of trying to tug out his hairpins without removing too much of his real hair to spare a quick glance through the mirror.
“This is so troublesome…” Akiya grumbled. His dark eye shadow was smudged, cheeks red from what looked like too much hard scrubbing with the cotton balls. Several tiny bottles of makeup remover had been dumped haphazardly on the battered dressing table he was sharing with Isshi, and the guitarist frowned in confusion at the colorful display.
“It’s impossible to tell them apart,” he complained, eyes shutting while Isshi deftly selected a bottle from the pile, moistened a cotton ball and dabbed efficiently at his face.
“It’s not that hard,” the vocalist retorted. “And you could’ve asked, not try to remove it along with your skin.”
Nao tugged at the tie of his obi with one hand, snapping the fingers of the other in Akiya’s face.
“Ne, your face matches your hair,” he joked as the knot finally came loose.
“Not as bad as Shin though,” Izumi called from the other side of the room. “I thought he was going to faint with all that blood gathered in his face.”
“Aa,” Isshi chuckled at the memory. “I thought he looked cute. Did you see how he was practically twitching?”
He thumped the used cotton ball on Akiya’s nose for emphasis, blissfully ignorant of the other’s pained yelp and asked, “Whatever made you kiss him anyway, Naoran?”
“Hmm? I dunno… I was trying to make him smile and somehow…” he trailff, ff, hands busily unraveling the obi.
“Make him smile? With a kiss? Whatever gave you that idea?” Akiya piped up, gingerly rub his his nose.
“Well, why don’t you try?” came the defensive reply and their leader decided to cut in before the duo could start dreaming up any crazy schemes together.
“He is looking a bit miserable, isn’t he?” he hurriedly commented, blue hair sticking out in all directions. The others paused to watch him struggle with his hairpins amid muffled curses, noting the dark glares he was sending towards the offending strips of decorated metal. When it looked like Izumi was contemplatinnkinnking the pins out, his own hair be damned, Nao wandered over to help.
“Thanks,” sighed the drummer when he felt fingers probing his hair gently. He left the task of wrestling with the stubborn hairpins to Nao and started swabbing at his own lips.
“Come to think of it, he looked a bit down before the live as well,” Isshi offered, referring to their absent guitarist while rubbing the last traces of makeup from Akiya’s face.
“I thought so,” murmured the bassist. “And he was quiet during the rehearsal too. Ah, gomen…” He grinned sheepishly at Izumi’s wincing when a few strands of blue hair drifted to the floor.
“Maa, he’s always quiet,” Akiya pointed out in the middle of discarding his costume for a simple t-shirt. “It’s probably nothing… wouldn’t hurt to ask though.”
“Maybe he just needs some cheering up?” suggested the vocalist. “We could all do with some fun, actually. Our schedule’s been hectic.” He stared pointedly at their leader, who pretended not to notice. Nao’s face lit up.
“Ne, let’s all go celebrate somewhere after this,” he chimed in enthusiastically.
“Celebrate? What?”
“The great live we just had. My amazing bass solos. The fact that Izumi isn’t bald… Yet. Whatever.”
“Whatever,” echoed the drummer, “As long as it doesn’t involve going somewhere dark to listen to more of Isshi’s ghost stories.”
“They’re not just stories,” the vocalist replied with an indignant flick of his long auburn hair. He grinned, voice falling dramatically to a low, mysterious tone. “You’ll regret not heeding the spirits – “
“Mou, Isshi-kun!” Nao groaned as he rummaged through his backpack for a towel. “Not those oldwives tales again…”
“Yeah, stop it. You’re scaring Nao,” snickered Akiya, voice muffled through the t-shirt he was pulling He He waited expectantly for the brunette’s reaction.
3,2,1…
“What?! I’m not scared of some stupid –“
He broke off at the chuckles coming from the rest of Kagrra.
“Right, Naopon, we didn’t see you biting your knuckles that last time…” Izumi’s voice trailed off and gave way to his patented boyish laugh.
“And you weren’t the one who couldn’t sleep all night…” Akiya added.
“And we didn’t find you snuggling up to Shin the next morning,” Isshi finished with a flourish of his hands, utterly amused when the bassist’s cheeks pinked to rival Akiya’s.
“It’s… I… You know I don’t like the dark!” Nao spluttered, choosing to ignore Isshi’s last comment.
“You mean you’re scared of it,” Izumi chortled, earning a glare and a pout from his irritated friend. “I’ll never forget what happened when we were living together…”
“Me neither,” growled the brunette. “You were really mean, ne… I can still hyou you now: ’Naoran, do you hear that...it sounds like footsteps...’ I could never sleep after that. I haven’t paid you back for those times yet…” Full lquirquirked into an evil grin and he moved menacingly towards the suddenly nervous drummer.
“But it was all in good fun—“
He yelped and froze for the second time that night as Nao mock-roared and charged, somehow managing to be as agile as usual though he was still wearing his geta. Isshi spun out of the bassist’s way. He and Akiya watched as their esteemed leader was grabbed and pulled into a playful headlock.
“Arrgh, loosen up! I can’t breathe!”
“That’s the point, isn’t it?”
Thrash, thrash, gasp, flail, laugh, thrash. Both tumbled onto the ground in a mass of limbs and expensive cloth and continued wrestling.
“Maybe we should stop them…?”
“Stop Nao, you mean.”
“Mmm…”
“Yeah, maybe we should. Izumi’s face is starting to match his hair…”
“You do it.”
“No way.”
Fortunately, the door to the sole bathroom clicked open at that moment. Izumi could’ve sworn he saw the giggling brunette’s ears twitch at the sound, and the next second the energetic bassist was up on his feet and racing with Akiya for the tiny doorframe. Isshi winced at the inevitable collision; the door could not fit two.
“OUTTA MY WAY!!”
The dingy bathroom was cramped and hot, but private. And he needed to be alone for a while. Shin sighed as he removed his costume and folded it neatly. He’d hoped the live performance would help clear his mind a little; instead it had left him with more confusion, albeit of a different nature. Treading gingerly over the damp tiles, he turned on the shower and let his mind go blissfully blank as the heated water pounded on his back. Nao’s teasing grin entered his thoughts unbidden and he heaved another sigh, torn between wanting to hug the brunette and wanting to strangle him for confusing him to no end. Even now, he squirmed inwardly at the memory of the fans’ squealing after their brief kiss. Talk about unwanted attention… It wasn’t Nao’s fault though; like Isshi he just had a way of catching people’s attention. Shin blended easily into the background and was happy to keep it that way, but the pretty bassist radiated a sort of boyish charm that drew the eyes of everyone around him. Shin often found himself watching his upbeat friend for no apparent reason; he then realized he had been watching Nao ever since he first met the brunette on the day when Kagrra was newly formed.
And tonight… maybe, just maybe, he’d gotten a hint that Nao had been watching him all the while too. Plus that kiss… his lips still tingled.
/It’s just fanservice. Duh./
The blond bit his lip and smacked his wet hair out of his face, fingers sticky from the residue of hairspray. He was positive that he’d felt something though. He wondered what it was, and whether Nao had felt it too, and what his parents would say if he told them he suspected he was gay or at least bisexual, then stopped when he felt the threatening onset of a headache. Best to finish showering first – there was only one bathroom after all – he could think all he wanted at home.
Cursing the lack of a mat, he tried drying his feet one at a time while standing before tugging on a pair of worn jeans, followed by a tank top and his usual parka. Now that the shower was off, he could hear sounds of an enthusiastic mock-fight coming from the other side of the door and briefly wondered if it was safe to leave the bathroom now. He then decided he was sick of wondering about things and turned the creaky doorknob decisively. So intent he was on keeping his mind a blissful blank that he failed to notice anything else until he was startled by what sounded suspiciously like a—
— a battle cry?
“OUTTA MY WAY!!”
He gaped at the sight of Nao and Akiya stampeding towards him at full speed, each trying to elbow the other to the side. The child-like glee on both faces only served to unnerve him further. He remembered feeling vaguely impressed at the fact that Nao was still wearing his geta before snapping into action. With an uncharacteristic whimper, he grabbed his bundle of clothes and dove out of the way.
“See, Izumi?” Isshi’s amused voice sounded in the background. “That’s what you’re supposed to do in the face of impending doom.”
The two were now grappling in front of the door, Nao trying to shove the shorter man behind him as stubborn hands latched onto his waist and refused to let go.
“C’mon, give up!”
“No way,” Akiya retorted. “And you better stop trying to get through the door.”
“Oh? Why?”
A cheeky grin.
“Because you’ll scrape off the top of your head on the frame and spill your brains.”
Now safely at the side, Shin couldn’t help but grin as Nao suddenly stopped short, teetering dangerously on his pair of geta, eyes wide when he realized how close he’d been to hitting his head against the top of the doorway. The bassist was already tall to begin with and the thick wooden sandals made him tower over everyone else, at the perfect height to mash his face against the low doorframe. The red-haired guitarist took the chance to slip pass Nao.
“Hey!” protested the brunette when the door slammed in his face. Muffled laughter answered him. Nao glared at the closed door and gave it a half-hearted kick, pouting unconsciously.
“Mou, why can’t they build just one more bathroom…” he muttered, turned away and blinked when he found himself staring at messy tufts of damp blond hair.
“Better luck next time Naoran,” the fur ball spoke.
“Aa…” he d twd two fingers into the messy hair and flipped the strands until he could see Shin’s face. The slight guitarist clutched his folded clothes and cocked his head when Nao’s face suddenly lit up. He shot a questioning look at the brunette.
“You smiled,” came the simple explanation.
/…so I did. The things you do to me…/
It was so effortless; he hadn’t even realized it.
Looking at the easy grin directed at him, he felt a sn bln blush starting to work its way towards his face again and quickly hung his head. He clutched the now-rumpled bundle of clothes like a lifeline and brushed past the puzzled bassist, pausing only to reach up and awkwardly pat one slender shoulder.
“Thanks,” he half-whispered.
“No problem,” Nao called after the blond’s retreating back.
/But what’s he thanking me for?/
He cast another wistful glance at the closed bathroom door and wandered over to where Isshi and Izumi were leisurely packing up their belongings.
“Let’s go drinking later,” the latter suggested as Nao plopped down on a nearby stool.
“Sure,” the bassist beamed. “We can go in my car.”
Isshi wrinkled his nose, remembering the last time Kagrra had gotten a lift in the brunette’s battered and tiny… extremely tiny car. Akiya was lucky enough to grab the much-coveted passenger seat. The rest of them had to crowd in the back along with whatever luggage had had – the boot of the car was small enough to considered non-existent – and the auburn-haired man spent the journey practically sitting on Izumi, with his face squashed between the window pane and Shin’s guitar case.
“Hey, it’s not that bad,” Nao protested when he caught the vocalist’s expression. “I got the air-conditioning fixed too!”
Isshi rolled his eyes as more unpleasant memories came flooding back at this last comment.
/Funny how I’d forgotten that nasty little detail…/
&;
“Does Shin know we’re going out?” Izumi wondered aloud.
“Huh? No, he was in the shower,” Nao shook his head, distracted from the defense of his precious car. He stood up and bounded off. “I’ll go tell him!”
The drummer watched him go, smiling at his friend’s seemingly endless energy
“He’s sorta fond of Shin lately, ne?” he commented casually to Isshi. The other man was watching the bassist too, his gaze sharp and thoughtful.
“Aa,” he answered after a while. “I think…”
“Hmm?”
“Nope. Nothing.”
It took some searching before he found Shin sitting alone on the darkened stage. The guitarist had his hands shoved in his pockets, head lowered as usual, seemingly in deep thought. As he approached the slightly hunched back, Nao couldn’t help but notice how tiny his friend appeared in the dim light and overwhelming darkness beyond the stage. So small and cute and… alone. The silence felt stifling all of a sudden, so he deliberately bounced towards Shin, the geta on his feet making satisfying thumps the whole way. The messy blond head turned.
“Nao?”
“The one and only. What’cha you thinking of?”
He didn’t know what made him th that, but asked anyway. Pulling the hem of his loosely-tied kimono to mid-calf, he settled down next to Shin.
“Just… stuff,” came the vague reply and silence weighed in again. This time it was Nao’s turn to fidget as he ruefully noted that he still didn’t know Shin as well as he would have liked.
“Ne, Shin…” he ventured again. Drawing his legs up and hugging them, he leant his cheek on his knees and looked his band mate in the eyes. “Wanna talk?”
“Talk?”
“Yeah… C’mon, I know something’s bothering you.”
“…”
“Talking does help, you know… at least you won’t keep everything bottled up inside until you burst someday. I promise not to tell if you don’t want me to… Ne, Shin-chan?”
Dark eyes regarded him, unusually serious without their usual gleam of mischief. Anxious. He had to drag his own eyes away from their steady gaze; and immediately wished he hadn’t when he saw the pale skin of Nao’s shoulders and legs glowing in the dim yellow lights, which made his fine features appeared even softer.
The bassist was still looking at him with those imploring eyes.
“Ne, Shin?” he coaxed. “The others are worried too…”
The others? Was his distress that obvious? Shin chewed on his lower lip, forcing himself to meet the brunette’s gaze again. So sincere…
“My parents. My mum, actually,” he offered, lips twitching as a look of utter incomprehension crossed the other’s face.
“Your parents?” Nao’s voice was incredulous. “Shin, you fought with them like some teenager? Um, sorry.” He buried his face in his knees sheepishly, earning a soft laugh from the guitarist. Nao lifted his head at the unexpected sound.
“Hey… I made you smile again,” Nao observed, brown eyes twinkling. “I guess that counts for something.”
They fell back into silence – a companionable one this time. The bassist languidly stretched his legs, arms supporting his weight from behind.
“So… tell me the gory details?”
“The usual. You remember her, don’t you?”
“Your mum? Hell, yeah,” muttered the taller man. He’d only met Shin’s parents on the one or two occasions when they had gone over to the blonde’s home in Saitama. He remembered his friend’s mother as a prim and proper woman with a severe glare and pinched lips. Most of all, he remembered her violent objections to Shin’s decision of joining Kagrra. She’d given all of them a critical once-over the first time they met…
“I swear she was glaring at us every second,” he muttered. “Or at least at me. Was it because I was trying on makeup?”
Shin replied with a helpless shrug. Nao blew idly at the dark strands of hair falling in his face.
“The usual, huh… she’s still trying to get you to quit the band?”
“Aa… it’s gotten worse the last time I went home,” Shin spoke slowly. “I think… she’s ashamed of me being in a band… Especially with all her friends’ children graduating from university now. She’s been going on about this whole list of acquaintances with ‘successful offspring’.”
His voice sounded a tad bitter.
“I can’t blame her though. She just wants the best for me and she’s been hoping I’ll be likem oem one day, ever since I was born.”
A soft sigh, then he felt Nao’s aarouaround his shoulders, squeezing comfortingly.
“Don’t think too much about it,” the brunette advised. “It’s her way of showing she cares, I guess, but you can’t change your life for her. Anyway you said it yourself: this isn’t the first time you’re dealing with this.”
/No, it isn’t. But it’s the first time I wavered… I hesitated./
Her voice, getting raspy with age, echoed in his mind again.
“Shin… are you sure this is worth it?”
He hadn’t answered.
“…”
“…Shin? You ok?”
He realized that Nao was trying to peep at his face through his mass of blond hair, brow furrowed with evident worry. Shin nodded in what he hoped was a reassuring manner. The bassist’s dark locks were starting to obscure his face and without thinking, Shin reached out to gently brush the wayward strands aside. His fingers lingered on the smooth surface of Nao’s cheek, a ghostly butterfly-touch. They held that position for a moment. Then the brunette tilted his head, eyes half-closed as if in a dream, leaning almost imperceptibly into the light caress. The guitarist held his breathe; neither moved.
Shin swallowed at the sudden feelings churning inside him and he knew his thumb was trembling when he dared to drag it gently over one fine cheekbone.
/Why did you kiss me?/
He didn’t realize he’d said it out loud until the other’s eyes snapped open, making him snatch his hand back instinctively. The spell was broken. Nao shook his head, his cheeks slightly warmer than before.
Why, indeed? The bassist himself wasn’t sure. Once again, like when Shin had asked if he’d been watching him, he didn’t have an answer. He could always say that it was fan service – except it wasn’t, not entirely. He could also say it was because he liked the guitarist, thought of him as a good friend, and was really trying to make him smile but all these seemed inadequate. He didn’t know how to explain the warm glow that brief touch had left him with either. He peeked at Shin, secretly admiring the strong profile. The blond was staring blankly at his own hands. He decided to respond in his usual way – honestly.
“I don’t know,” he admitted. Shin looked at him from the corner of his eyes. “It was an impulse, I guess, but ano, it just felt right at that time and I, just, well, did it and, aa mou~!”
He broke off abruptly and threw his hands up in annoyance when he realized he was babbling. A low chuckle sounded, building up to a light warm laugh and Nao turned, surprised to see his friend’s shoulders shaking with mirth. Shin ran a hand through his hair and grinned up at his puzzled band mate.
“Sorry,” he apologized in between chuckles. “You were just too cute.” His laughter started anew when Nao’s expression turned indignant at the word ‘cute’.
“I’m not,” the brunette grumbled half-heartedly. The indignity of being called ‘cute’ by someone whom everyone else agreed was cute… he pouted a little.
“Anyway,” he began in an attempt to change the subject. “We’re going out to celebrate later.”
“Celebrate? What?”
“For a start I didn’t just manage to make you smile; I made you laugh. That reason’s good enough, isn’t it? No need for an excuse to have fun,” he grinned. “So we’re g dri drinking.”
As predicted, thought Shin. He wasn’t that fond of alcohol though…
“And you’re coming with us,” Nao declared withwaitwaiting for a response. Shin raised his eyebrows.
“C’mon Shin-chan,” he tugged on the sleeve of the blonde’s parka. “It’ll be fun. We’re all going and it’s partly ‘cause of you.”
“…why?”
“I did mention the guys are worried about you too… we thought it’ll cheer you up. But if you really don’t feel like going…”
Shin felt a warm glow starting in his chest.
I suppose a few glasses can’t hurt…/
Nao was still waiting for his response.
“Ne, do you really wanna go home and stare at the walls thele nle night thinking of your mum—“
“You’re right, I don’t. I’ll come,” he broke in; suddenly glad he’d agreed when he saw his friend’s bright smile.
“Yoshi!” cheered the energetic bassist as he jumped to his feet. “Then let’s get back. You need to pack your stuff and I’ve got to shower… Ah, Izumi might’ve grabbed the bathroom by now!”
Eyes wide at the sudden thought, he paused to pull Shin up and proceeded to drag him backstage. Shin let himself auleauled along, eyes never leaving the lean back.
‘It just felt right at that time,’ Nao had said.
/It’d felt right for me too./
Just like how it felt right to have his hand in the bassist’s now.
One more fight for the bathroom, an extremely bumpy ride and an hour later, Kagrra was walking towards a karaoke bar. Their bassist was engaged in an animated debate with Akiya.
“Are you saying I can’t drive?” he demanded, feeling just a bit insulted.
“No,” countered the red-haired man. “I’m saying that most people can’t drive when they’re drunk and you’re one of them. Since we all know you’re gonna get plastered and take Izumi with you, that leaves it to me and Shin to make sure everyone gets home alive. Shin can’t drive, so hand me the car keys.”
an “What about me?” Isshi interjected cheerfully, bouncing a little as he spoke. He stopped when the others paused to stare at him.
“Forget it,” Akiya muttered, summing up everyone else’s sentiments.
“Hey! It’s not as if you have a driving license!”
“I don’t but I can drive,” the guitarist retorted. “That’s different.”
“I don’t know… it’s not very safe to drive without a license. What if the cops stop us?” Izumi frowned.
Akiya spread his hands diplomatically.
“Would you rather I drive and let everyone get home in one piece, albeit with the risk of landing in jail, or let Nao drive us all into a tree?”
The drummer winced.
“Ok, at least we’ll still be alive even if we do end up in jail.”
The bassist sulked but handed his keys to Akiya.
Hours later, the band stumbled out again – or, at least, Shin and Akiya staggered out, trying to share the weight of their three friends between them.
“This is the last time I go drinking with you guys,” the taller man groaned as he struggled to hold Isshi up by the waist. The vocalist gave an uncharacteristic giggle and slung an am over Akiya’s shoulder for balance, nearly choking him in the process. Shin was too busy keeping Nao from tripping to reply. Between the two of them and despite their height difference, they somehow managed to hold up their leader, who was completely asleep.
The red-haired guitarist shot the sleeping man an envious look. Izumi looked at peace and innocent, almost angelic in sleep. He also looked very, very comfortable. Akiya mentally squashed the urge to let go and watch the drummer fall on his rump. He then had to squash the urge to kill Isshi when a smooth voice started singing ‘Kotodama’ loudly in his ear, wryly noting that his friend’s singing was perfect even in his drunken state.
an /At least it’s not ‘Hyakkiyakou’./
Shifting Izumi’s dead weight with an aching arm to lessen to strain on Shin, who was bearing the bulk of the weight due to his shorter height, he groaned when his biceps gave a rebellious twinge. The singing paused.
“Ne, Aki-chan, what’s wrong?” Isshi’ caroled, voice surprisingly clear given the amount of sake he’d downed. He could catch the faint scent of wine and the warm breath against his ear made him shiver. Nao was rambling on about everything and thus nothing in essence at the other end of their haggled human chain, often punctuating his sentences with animated gestures.
/Aki-chan…?/
He had to get Isshi home fast if he was that drunk.
“Nothing,” he replied, sighing when Nao accidentally smacked Shin’s forehead, making the blonde’s eyes cross and uncross again. “Just lean on me and try keeping your feet away from mine.”
“Hmm? Mmm…”
The vocalist nodded dreamily. He buried his face in the crook of the redhead’s neck and hummed in contentment. Akiya froze at the touch of soft lips and hair against his neck, a tingle racing up his spine. He glanced down -- Isshi’s flushed face looked surreal under the street lights – frowning quizzically when the hair on his nape stood on end.
/I swear I only had one glass./
It was a fairly disturbing thought so he ignored it, stubbornly attributing everything to the influence of alcohol and started trudging towards Nao’s car, half-dragging Isshi. Shin matched his pace, guiding their noisy bassist by the elbow. Together, they managed to half-carry, half-haul Izumi along. It took just a minute to stuff Isshi and Izumi in the car and then another 15 more to convince Nao that he was in no state to drive.
“But you won’t know until I try!” the brunette insisted. He pouted and stomped one foot for emphasis, wobbling just a little on the spot. Both guitarists looked helplessly at each other. Nao’s child-like behavior, while endearing, was hard to deal with at times.
“Nao, you promised to let Akiya drive,” Shin finally pointed out.
He received an owlish blink as Nao struggled to remember that little detail.
“I did?”
“Yes,” came the firm reply. “Just get in the back with me… it’s late.”
He offered han hand to Nao; Akiya held his breath. He then released it in a relieved sigh when the brunette smiled and took Shin’s hand, docilely letting himself be led inside the car.
“This is unfair,” the redhead was complaining as he started the engine. “I wasted fifteen minutes and he won’t budge, but you convinced him with two sentences.”
“That’s ‘cause Naoran likes him,” Isshi piped up sleepily from where he was leaning against Nao. Both laughed drunkenly, missing the blush on Shin’s cheeks. Izumi was curled up on the passenger seat like a cat and Shin had to keep a restraining hand on Nao’s shoulder to keep him from poking the drummer. The bassist settled for bouncing on the seat instead.
“Oyasumi,” announced their long-haired vocalist suddenly. He turned on his side and closed his eyes.
“Ah, chotto!” cried Akiya. “I’m not going to lug you up to your apartment— Oh, whatever.” He shook his head and switched on the radio. Some upbeat pop song which he didn’t recognize filled the car; Nao started singing softly along as they drove towards Izumi’s home.
Some time later, they were parked outside the block of apartment flats Isshi lived in. Akiya alighted for the second time that night, having sent Izumi home just now, to drag their vocalist home. Shin watched Isshi give him a cheerful grin and a wave, inevitably backhanding the poor redhead in the process. He couldn’t help but smile as the two staggered away. Nao caught the expression and scooted over to poke one of his friend’s cheeks.
“Had fun?”
“Aa,” he replied; and it was true. It had nic nice just being in his band mates’ company, knowing the trip and silly jokes were part of an attempt to cheer him up. He’d watched Nao smile whole night. The radio station was playing Dir en grey’s ‘Akuro no Oka’ and he ntlyntly drummed his fingers to the beautiful melody. Beside him, Nao started singing again, much softer this time as he started nodding off, words slightly slurred from the effects of alcohol.
“Kaeru hana… ano goro no youni… mou ichidou dake de ii… kirei ni sakitakute…”
Shin blinked as the brunette unintentionally mangled the lyrics.
/Kaeru hana? Ano goro?? …he’s drunker than I thought./
“saigo ni mita kimi wo aishiteta… kanawanai yume… ofuro no oka de— mou, Shin-chan! You’re laughingme ame again!”
“Ofuro no oka?!”
The guitarist snickered loudly at the mental image his mind conjured; he couldn’t help himself. Nao scowled and made a half-hearted swipe at him, which the blond avoided easily by ducking his head. He straightened up, still laughing, and promptly stopped when the breath was knocked out of him. The bassist grinned from where he was half-perched on Shin’s lap, hands braced on the blonde’s chest for support. He flashed a lopsided grin, one hand reaching up to clumsily cover the flustered man’s lips.
“There,” he yawned, briefly wondering why his friend had two noses and three eyes. “Now you can’t laugh at me anymore.”
With that, he slumped forward onto Shin’s inviting shoulder and closed his eyes.
“…Nao?” Shin called when the brunette showed no signs of moving off him. A soft snore answered him. The guitarist shook his head disbelievingly, arms automatically wrapping around the other’s waist when Nao started slipping off. Dark strands of hair tickled his cheek and he inhaled their scent. His friend smelt of apples. He was leaning into the drowsy warmth, eyelids drooping when Akiya rapped smartly on the window, making him jump and hit his chin on Nao’s shoulder. He blushed at the redhead’s teasing wink.
“Taking advantage of him?” laughed Akiya as he clambered into the driver’s seat. Shin pulled a face and hastily shifted Nao to the side. The bassist didn’t even stir, simply flopping over onto the seat.
“He’s out cold,” Shin informed Akiya. “How do we get him home like this?”
The other guitarist groaned.
“The way I got Izumi home, I suppose – drag him. Don’t worry; I’ll take care of it. Guess I’ll have to sleepover at Nao’s anyway, unless he expects me to leave his precious car at his place and walk all the way home…”
They spent the rest of the ride in companionable silence with Nao’s head resting on Shin’s lap. Akiya dropped Shin off in front of his block of apartment flats and the blond soon found himself trudging wearily up the stairs towards his little home. He set his shoes neatly at the side of the genkan and was about to head in when something caught his eye. He stopped, eyes softening as he picked up a plain photo frame on a low cupboard. It was a family photo, taken shortly before he’d left Saitama for Tokyo. His gaze lingered on his mother, taking in the cropped hair and forced smile. She had been upset then but tried so hard to hide it, knowing her son had made up his mind to leave Tokyo and wanting him to bring pleasant memories with him. Sometimes Shin wondered if she’d let him go, hoping – perhaps even expecting – that he would ‘come to his sense’ soon and return. Their rocky relationship had soured when he didn’t.
“Shin… are you sure this is worth it?”
Her voice rang in his mind again. He paused, thinking of Kagrra, of his friends, their fans, their music and of Nao’s lingering warmth.
/Yes. It was, is and will always be worth it. Wait and see, kaasan. I’ll make you proud./
He smiled – the serene expression lost in the dark – then replaced the photo frame and headed in to change. As he passed through the living room in a pair of over-sized pajamas, he spotted the little red light flashing repeatedly on his answering machine and frowned, surprised at the number of messages he’d received in one evening. He reached out for the play button.
/Who could it be…?/
Shin hesitated, one hand half-raised. There was something forbidding about the entire situation… he didn’t like the possibility of losing sleep; Izumi had insisted on a band meeting the next day to discuss the theme for their next single. The diminutive blond chewed his lip, then turned decisively and headed for his bedroom, where he sighed contentedly as he sank into his futon and snuggled down. If it were an urgent issue, whoever it was would call him again and if they didn’t, he would just deal with it in the morning.
The red light continued blinking ominously through the night.
TBC
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