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Luminescent	By : DirtyLittleHypocrite Category: J-Rock/J-Pop & K-Pop > Gackt Views: 2497 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know Gackt. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Luminescent
- 1
Luminescent
By: Neko-chan
Disclaimer: I do not represent these celebrities in any way, nor do I own them. I do not make any profit from this.
The party was a dull roar in his ears. People walked slowly on by him, the colors of their clothing blurred, one color merging into the other, by the strobe lights, the darkness of the shadows that always seemed to permeate parties like these, and the fact that Gackt was slightly—but not completely, not yet—drunk.
He closed his eyes and leaned backwards, the wall beneath his head a solid, comforting surface. He used to enjoy parties like these, but something that had resided within himself, something vital and shimmering and luminescent, had recently died. Now all he wanted to do was go home.
Home meant sweet, all-consuming oblivion. Home meant a place where he could finally relax, shed the masks, the various layers that he displayed to the public day after day after day. Home meant a place where he could finally be himself—no pretensions, no lies, no making everything he said have a hidden meaning; nothing. Home meant everything to him and it wasn’t until times and situations like this that he finally realized just how important home had come to mean to him. When had he become so weak?
“The single is coming along really nicely,” someone spoke from close by. Gackt slowly opened his eyes, his gaze quickly caught by the lead singer of Dir en grey. Kyo was animated, his hands fluttering about his face. The other man who was Kyo’s companion watched the smaller man, enraptured, and Kyo seemed to become even more enlivened, his face and his attitude faintly glowing with his excitement. “Toshiya and Die aren’t too sure about the music style that we’re using with this single, but I have a really good feeling about it. I know that the fans will like it, too.”
The other man smiled brightly—was he yet another fan, one with enough money that he was capable of buying his way into a party that hosted to the biggest and brightest of the music industry’s stars?—and leaned closer to the singer, murmuring something in Kyo’s ear. Kyo laughed and headed over towards the refreshment table, the fan trailing behind him, so much like a gawky puppy, awkward with its first steps.
Gackt watched them go, his eyes at half-mast. He was tired—so very, very tired lately. The concert performances had finally shown his fans just how exhausted and sick he had come to be, but none of them knew the extent of his recent illness.
The blue-eyed man sighed wearily and rubbed his face, eyes aching with the migraine that was just beginning to form. He slowly stood up and began the long journey through the crowd, the mass of people pressed close to him, brushing up against him as he made his way through the exit. He smiled slightly at the greetings that others gave him, quickly explained why he was leaving to those who asked, giving his excuses, his apologies, his promises to come to future parties to the host who was too drunk with sake and cheap champagne to truly care.
“Gackt! Gacchan, please wait!”
Gackt frowned and looked over his shoulder to see who called to him. When the shorter man saw that he had the singer’s attention, his smile was bright enough to light up the entire room. Hyde.
A figure moved just behind Hyde and Gackt shifted his attention to this new person, someone that he had never met but had seen many times before in magazines and on television: Tetsu, a member of L’Arc~en~Ciel and one of Hyde’s closest friends. Tetsu smiled at Gackt, waving slightly in greeting, and Gackt returned the amiable gesture.
“Gacchan! Where are you going? You aren’t leaving already, are you?” Hyde’s question came suddenly and distracted Gackt from his perusal of Hyde’s friend. The man sighed and returned his attention to Hyde, the smaller man waiting expectantly for Gackt’s answer.
“I’m not feeling too well, Hyde, so you are correct. I’m leaving the party now.” Gackt’s answer was quick and terse. He instantly regretted his rudeness, but the migraine that had been developing over the past several minutes finally came to the foreground; his head throbbed and the strobe lights that permeated the darkness of the party jabbed at his eyes, needle pinpricks of pain shooting from his eyes, to his temples, and back again.
Hyde’s eyebrows furrowed in concern and he made a step forward towards Gackt. However, at that moment, Tetsu tugged insistently on Hyde’s arm, murmuring something in the other’s ear. Hyde sighed unhappily and his shoulders slumped in defeat. “Ah, well, that’s too bad, Gacchan. Tetsu and I just arrived at the party and I had hoped that we would have been able to spend some time together. It seems that we’ve both been so busy lately—I can’t remember the last time that the two of us went out and did something. But… if you aren’t feeling well, you should go home. Take some aspirin and just go to sleep, all right? I’ll call tomorrow; maybe we could go and do something later on.”
With that finally said, he allowed himself to be led away from Gackt, Tetsu pulling determinedly on his hand. The duo soon became immersed in the crowd of the brightest starsthe the music and movie businesses.
It was only then, after the two had disappeared from his sight, that Gackt realized that Hyde had been holding Tetsu’s hand all throughout their exchange. It was the type of touching that went on between the very best of friends. Or—and Gackt’s lips twisted at this particular thought—between lovers.
He had never touched Hyde the way that Hyde now touched Tetsu.
He had never been touched the way that Hyde touched Tetsu, not by anyone, not even by his ex-wife, and only in his dreams did his wishes become reality. And even then, it was Hyde who did the touching, the kissing, the loving. No one else—not ever.
Full of bitterness, he turned around for the final time and left the party, closing the door tightly behind him. And yet, no matter how tightly he closed the door, and no matter how far he ran away from the party, the echoes of the music and the way that Hyde smiled at Tetsu, holding his hand tightly in his own, continued to follow Gackt as he made his way home, becoming ghosts of what-ifs, have-beens, and things that were never meant to be.
* * *
Three a.m.
Gackt rolled over in bed, burying his head in the pillows that were piled haphazardly about his bed, but the doorbell still penetrated through his feathered down sanctuary. It had been a night of tossing and turning, of the sleep that just barely bridges wakefulness and the deepest dreaming possible. It had not been a restful night.
And still, the doorbell continued to ring.
“Fine! I’m coming; I’m awake!” Gackt called, finally giving up on his attempt at falling asleep and his hope that his late night “visitor” would eventually go away. Apparently, it seemed that neither would be accomplished anytime in the near future.
He stumbled to the entrance way of his apartment, not bothering to check the peephole to see who it was that had been so persistent at making sure Gackt would open the door.
When the door opened and the visitor casually made his way into Gackt’s apartment, toeing off his shoes next to Gackt’s boots, Gackt was neither surprised nor shocked to discover that his “visitor” was none other than Hyde.
“Hyde, it’s three o’clock in the morning. What do you want?” Gackt asked wearily, leaning his head against the frame of his doorway.
“The party just let out about thirty minutes about, Gacchan, and I did say that I would call you—or call on you—today. I knew that you were still awake because you usually never go to bed before four, anyway, no matter how sick or tired you are, and…” Hyde turned about on a sock-covered heel, trailing off when he finally got a good look at Gackt’s face. The taller man looked gaunt, haggard; even his skin was tinted a dark gray. “Gacchan, what’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing. Nothing is wrong with me, Hyde,” Gackt snapped and left his post next to the doorway, brushing ever-so slightly against Hyde as he made his way deeper into his apartment. He headed towards his bar, grabbing two wine glasses on the way there.
Hyde followed him, worried despite the way that Gackt had spoken to him. “Something is wrong, Gacchan. You weren’t lying when you told me that you weren’t feeling well earlier, were you?”
Gackt didn’t bother answering. He silently filled the crystal glass of wine for Hyde and himself, proffering it up to the smaller man when Hyde was within reaching range. Hyde accepted the glass, still continuing to stare expectantly at Gackt as he did so.
“Why?” he finally asked after the silence stretched on for too many long moments.
Gackt sighed and headed towards his living area, stubbornly ignoring the fact that he was swaying while he walked. “Why what, Hyde?” he asked, leaning against the back of his sofa. His knees shook and the hand that held the wine glass trembled slightly when he raised it to his lips to sip at the liquor. He was tired—so very, very tired—but he wouldn’t allow himself to show that much weakness in front of his friend.
“Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong, Gacchan? I know that you’re lying. It’s easy enough to see that something’s wrong, just by looking at you. You’re hiding something. What is it? Please tell me.” Hyde looked so forlorn, still standing in front of Gackt’s bar. So lost, so lonely—confused, not knowing what to think, not knowing what to expect from the man that he thought was his friend.
Gackt smiled and chuckled mirthlessly, his eyes crinkling at the corners in his dark amusement. “I apologize for laughing, but… I find it rather amusing that my fans have begun to suspect the truth and you—one of my best friends—have remained in the dark. You have no clue, do you? When you said that we’ve both been busy lately, that was true. You don’t have time for me anymore. You want to be with Tetsu.” The last statement came out bitterly, filled with venom at Hyde, at Tetsu, and at himself.
Hyde paused, staring at Gackt in surprise. The rooms were shadowed—Gackt’s home was always filled with shadows, with plush fabrics that easily welcomed darker things into their embrace—but Hyde was still able to partially make out Gackt’s expression. The loathing, the anger, the despair that he found shocked him—when had they both become so distant from one another that Hyde had never known, never realized, that Gackt was in this much pain? “Gacchan… this isn’t about me or Tetsu,” Hyde began carefully, still studying Gackt’s expression as he spoke. “This is about you and what you’re hiding from me. Nothing more.”
Gackt’s smile deepened for just a moment, a twist of his mouth that was fleeting and lasted for just a heartbeat. “No, Hyde,” he whispered. “There is more. This is about Tetsu. And you. And me. Why is that, Hyde?”
“…I don’t know.”
“It’s because there has never been anything else. It’s because it’s always been about you and me and some other person that has become your current flame. Always. There’s never been any change to this, Hyde, and I curse every moment of this stupid, pointless cycle.”
“I don’t understand, Gackt.”
The laughter that was Gackt’s reply was mocking and black; there was no humor in it and never had been. “No, of course you don’t. You never did. You never will. No matter how hard I try, you’ll never know! And that’s because you don’t want to know! God, I hate this so damn much! I hate it all!!” Gackt cried and threw his wine glass against the wall. It shattered into thousands of crystalline shards, glittering in the soft light that came from the bedroom.
Hyde stood still, not knowing what to do or what to say.
“Oh, God….” Gackt moaned, covering his face with his hands. His knees finally gave out and he slid to the floor, slumping against the back of the sofa. He could feel several of the pieces of the wine glass digging into his legs, drawing blood in some places, but he didn’t care. And why should he?
“Gackt…?” Hyde began softly, afraid to move towards the blue-eyed man, but knowing that he should.
Tanned hands fell away from a nearly-perfect face and Gackt looked up at Hyde, tears beginning to fall from his eyes. His gaze was empty, distant, lost. Hopeless. Hyde took a step forward, then paused, still afraid of getting closer tokt. Gackt slowly looked away, turning his gaze away from Hyde’s fear and his shame at not being able to console his friend when Gackt was hurting the most.
“Hyde, why is it that, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want something—no matter how simple it is—I can never be given it? I’ve tried so hard… but it’s all been for nothing. I’ve given everything to my fans. I’ve given everything that I am to others. There’s nothing left of me, Hyde, and there won’t be a me after a few more months. Oh, God… I’m just glad that it’s going to end soon. Almost. Almost.” His head fell backwards, resting against the sofa, tears still falling like soft rain without an end in sight. The shivering started.
“You wanted to know what was wrong with me. I’ll tell you, Hyde. It’s a secret that very few people know,” Gackt began, his voice barely above a whisper. “Not even You knows about it. I don’t want him to know. Not yet.”
“What is the secret, Gackt?”
Gackt closed his eyes, the brilliant blue of his contacts being hidden away, obscured. Neither the trembling nor the tears stopped. He took a shuddering breath, his hands tightening into fists that grasped at nothing. “I’m dying, Hyde. I’ve been diagnosed with cancer.” The mirthless, mocking, dark smile returned to grace Gackt’s face and the wine glass that had been in Hyde’s hand fell from nerveless fingers. “The doctors say that there’s no hope for a cure; I’m going to be dead in just a couple more months. Do you want to know what the worst thing about all of this is, Hyde?”
“…what, Gacchan?” was the whispered reply. Another step—one far, far too late—was taken forward. Gackt was almost within touching distance now.
“That I’ll die without being loved. That I’ll die regretting my existence here on Earth. I said that once in an interview, did you know that? I never believed it, though. Not really. But I do now. That I’ll die after giving so much of myself to others and, in the end, it was all so pointless. Someone once told me that the stars in outer space, the ones that shine the brightest in the universe, are always the ones the die first. Their luminance lasts for years, for millennia, after they’ve died… but, in the end, they’re still dead. They go out in a brilliant flash of light, a supernova, and then they fade away and die forever. That’s going to be what happens with me, did you know that? And yet… that’s not the very worst of it. Do you want to know what the very worst part of all of this is, Hyde? Would you like me to tell you that?”
One step.Two steps. “Yes, Gacchan. Please tell me.”
Gackt’s eyelids fluttered up and Hyde was caught in a gaze of vivid glacial blue. “The very worst part of all of this is that I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone else. And you don’t love me. Not in that way. You never have and never will. If I wasn’t already dying, I would wish and pray with all of my heart and soul that I was. That is the very worst part of all of this, Hyde.”
“Gacchan….” Hyde began, his voice a hoarse whisper, thick with emotion.
Gackt sighed and, for the final time, closed his eyes. “No, Hyde. No more. I don’t want this anymore. Just… go away. I want to be left alone. I don’t want to be with anyone else, not ever again. I just… want this all to end now. I’m so very tired.”
So Hyde backed away and left Gackt’s apartment, doing as his friend hskedsked him to, complying to Gackt’s very last request of him. The door closed behind him with a ‘click’ that rang of a finality that Hyde neither had the power nor the desire to change.
It was the last time that he saw Gackt.
It was also the first time in a very long time that he had felt the need, the desire, the wish to crawl into a corner and weep until his tears ran dry. But neither tears nor wishing change destiny; the only thing that Hyde was able to do was walk numbly home, never looking back and never stopping, not once.
A year later, several months after Gackt was gone, Hyde released a new single. It was titled “Luminescent.” It spoke of things that should have been said earlier, but weren’t. It spoke of love and happiness and fighting against destiny and fate to be with the one that mattered to you the most.
And the song was dedicated to Gackt.
~Owari~
::End::
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Luminescent