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I Fall	By : xhellsxvoidoidx Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > The Damned Views: 998 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the celebrity I am writing about. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-I Fall
- 2-part 2
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- 2
I Fall

We met around December of 1975 but only for a short time. That band eventually bombed and we went our separate ways. But I always felt that was not gonna be the last time I would see Ray Burns (Captain Sensible) and Chris Miller (Rat Scabies.) We got on so well that I knew that this pairing was not just a fluke.

I think it all started about May of 1976 when we met again. We grew to be like brothers in a short time. And I felt things that I had never felt before. Yes, there was that brotherhood but there was something more. Chris and I seemed to get on better together than with Ray. I didn’t know what it was at the time. It was strange, almost like I would feel for an attractive girl. But he wasn’t a girl so this had to be wrong.

I always believed in going by my own rules and following my heart. So, I eventually gave into my heart and admitted it to myself. I guess in the traditional sense he was attractive. Damn, compared to most British blokes, and I’m not most blokes, he was gorgeous. Though his messy red hair did look a bit funny, I found it unique and charming. He has beautiful blue eyes and the personality to make any girl fall, rather he was moderately good-looking or not.

I fell for him and his childish antics almost immediately. I never thought about liking lads before, but I welcomed the feelings. I didn’t want to restrict myself like all the stuffed shirts we despised. I followed the whims of my heart. But I knew I would have to deny myself that one thing I really wanted. We were great together as a band. We made brilliant music. I couldn’t let that go if he didn’t feel the same.

I kept it to myself I stayed my normal mysterious self; aloof and destructive like the rest. It didn’t really hurt me because we had become best mates. I thrived on the friendship. It was everything to me.

After a few gigs we started gaining notoriety throughout England and starting touring in France as well. It was wonderful. Being able to play with bands like the Sex Pistols. After so many failed bands between us all, we finally had something.

Just as things were picking up, we started getting a following and fans. I loved the attention until I realized that they were also enamored with Rat. I noticed all the girls that would come and go. Of course, I was not happy with this little turn of events. With every girl I saw leave our bus with him; I fell deeper and deeper into myself. I was depressed and I had become destructive. Well more than usual. I always loved the look and taste of blood so naturally I started cutting myself to relieve the pain. It felt good to have my pain of heartbreak averted to physical pain. I needed it. Everytime I saw him with a girl, I retreated to my own little place rather it was a bathroom or closet and I made myself feel real pain and savored the taste. I wonder if yours tastes like mine, Chris.

I ended the pain one night. I was off my face and I was feeling good. But who really feels pain when they’re smashed. I went to him and he was thrashing some place or setting something on fire like Rat normally does and he had the usual audience, Captain and Brian. He was being particularly fiendish and it was turning me on. So, I pulled him aside without the other blokes noticing and without thinking about my actions. I vaguely remember calling him a “sexy bastard” before I went in for the kill. I smothered him with my lips. He struggled with me of course. That damned male ego trying to bust out. He pried me off and held me by my collar. He looked me over as to figure what was wrong with me.

“What Mr. Scabies? Would you prefer I have tits and a cunt? Sorry, this is all I have to offer.”

“Dave, what is your problem, mate? You’re off your face.”

“I don’t have to be off my face to want you, Chris. I’ve wanted you so fucking long now that it hurts to look at you anymore. I just wish one of us would die so I don’t have to suffer any anymore.”

“Is that what this is?!” He hollered as he yanked up one of my long shirtsleeves. I defensively pull myself from his grasp.

“What the fuck do you care?”

“Even if I didn’t like you as a lover, I still like you as a mate and…it’s one thing to destroy my drums or some street signs or whatever. But Dave, you can’t be doing this, mate.”

“I’ll be doing whatever the bloody hell I want with my own body, thank you very much.”

He looked into my eyes and it hurt. His eyes were like daggers though they were not intended as such. I felt like I was just wrong and stupid and useless in his eyes. He reached out for me and pulled me into his arms. I never thought it would hurt so much to be this close to him. His touch burned my skin or maybe it was me who was hurting him. Maybe it was my skin that was burning.

Just when I thought I was completely worthless, he lifted up my chin and rested his lips on mine. For a second I took pleasure in the feel and the taste of his pink lips, then I felt like he was doing it just to make me feel better. That is not what mates do. They tell you the harsh truth. Mates don’t lead you on like this. Mates don’t…

“I don’t need your fucking pity, Chris!”

“When the fuck have I ever pitied anyone, David? Just stop doing that shit, yea?”

I stared at the wall he was standing against as he walked away. I couldn’t believe what just happened. It sounded like he didn’t mind me liking him in that way but why did he pull away to begin with. It was confusing. I just wish I could cut myself once more but I didn’t want to upset him. I didn’t want him to worry about me. I didn’t want him to hurt like I have waiting for him. So, I stumbled back to my flat and thought on what had just happened between us.

I stayed up for hours that night thinking up all the reasonable explanations for what occurred between us two. Every possible scenario played through my head like little flashes of light. I stayed up so long that when I actually checked, 48 hours had passed and I was none the wiser. It just made me more upset and made the urge to cut up stronger. It was like an addiction and I had to fight it for him.

The night of practice he was looking at me strangely the whole time. Furrowed eyebrows. Curled up lips. It made him look so unattractive and me feel unattractive. It made me more depressed and uneasy. I can only imagine that I look like utter shit with my lack of sleep.

Despite my problems, I did a bang up job, as Brian said. We were finally wrapping up and Captain and Brian were talking about going to the pub to grab a pint. Regardless of how miserable I was I wanted to take them up on their offer.

“Scabies, you coming too, mate?” Captain asked.

“Yea, I’ll catch you up. I need to talk to Dave for a bit.”

I froze. I dreaded the idea of being alone with him. As much as I wanted to be, I didn’t think I could handle any more lectures. I was miserable enough the way it was. And it hurt to be near him longer than I had to.

“Hurry up, then.”

Brian and Captain left the flat and we eventually were completely alone. Dead Silence. No words spoken. No looks exchanged. It was so uncomfortable. I felt like I was under the looking glass, although he wasn’t even looking at me.

“Dave, what’s wrong, mate? You look like shit.”

I couldn’t help the little chuckle from escaping my mouth. Now that was my mate. Tell it like it is. “I just haven’t slept well is all.”

“You haven’t been cutting, have you?”

“No.”

“Good. But something is still bothering you. Is it about what you told me when you were sloshed? Do you even remember?”

“Of course I remember. How could I forget? I only poured my heart out.”

This time I could feel his gaze on me. The close scrutiny of his stare. “I’m sorry if I acted like a bloody wanker.”

“No, I did. For thinking you might understand. And for thinking that you might not mind, maybe even be flattered.”

“Who said I wasn’t?”

My eyes met his but I couldn’t hold the gaze for long. The piercing blue of his eyes, and the look in them, hurt my own sleep weary ones.

“You need sleep, Dave.”

“If I could, I would.”

At that, he took me by the wrist and led me into his bedroom. He made me lay down on his bed he turned off the lights. He closed the curtains too, so very little streetlight came in. He knew how I liked to sleep in complete black. He stumbled to find his way to the bed, tripping over something, and cursing it. I felt his weight on the bed, and almost started crying when I felt him put his arm around me and start stroking my hair. I felt the tears welling up in the corner of my eyes when his fingers trailed across my cheekbone and down to my lips. But the dam broke as his fingers were replaced by his lips. All that agony for a moment of such beauty. The lack of sleep screwed with my emotions and I couldn’t handle this.

He quietly wiped my tears and ran his hands through my hair again and down my back to soothe me. I was so at ease with him. Having him so close made me feel so comfortable. So safe. I fell asleep almost instantly.

When I awoke, he was still sleeping, lying next to me. But he was lying on his stomach. His head turned towards me. His mouth slack. This image was funny yet so fuckin’ adorable. Almost like having a new puppy pee on the floor. You know it’s wrong but you can’t yell at him because he’s too bloody cute. Although a puddle of drool is collecting near his pillow, I still can’t turn away from his beauty. As absurd as it sounds.

I reached over to push his hair from his eyes. With that light touch, he stirred. Closing his mouth and moving slightly but not waking up. So, I pulled my pillow over closer to him, making sure to avoid the little wet patch on the bedspread, and curled up against him. I felt like a child cuddling with his mother or a teenage girl with her first crush. It was so uncharacteristic of me but it was comfortable. Like it was meant to happen this way, perhaps.

I must have fell asleep again because I remember waking up a second time to an empty bed. I was too busy adjusting to my surroundings to be upset. But I got up to find Rat. I was still in my cuddly mood. I waked out into the sitting room and heard voices. Familiar voices. I walked into the kitchen and found Rat talking to Brian. They stopped talking to acknowledge my entrance into the room. They stared at me for a second before Brian smiled at me warmly and asked how I was feeling.

“What do you mean?”

“Chris says he helped you out cause you had trouble sleeping lately.”

“Oh sorry, I guess I’m still a bit out of it. I’m alright I guess.”

“Well, you got a good amount of sleep so I assume you would be doing better.”

He smiled at me again and continued sipping his tea. Sobering himself up I presume. I’m sure he and Captain were up till all hours drinking themselves silly. I looked over at Rat and he didn’t look back at me. He seemed uncomfortable ever since he saw me walk in the room. “So, how did you sleep, Chris?” I asked him.

“Oh fine”, came the short reply. Looking everywhere but at me. Bloody hell, don’t tell me he’s gonna be difficult and act weird with me while the others are around. Maybe he feels weird about what happened last night. And I have no problem with him not telling anyone. I wasn’t exactly going to shout to all of England that I was in love…and with a man no less. But if he doesn’t want to let anyone catch on then that was not the way to go about it.

This was not going to be easy.

******

so what do you think? I promise there will be sex in the next chap it' it's not NC-17 for nothing.
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I Fall