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tabellae	By : cresc Category: Dir en grey > General Views: 1216 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-tabellae
- 1
['tabellae' means 'letter']

"Do you love me?"

I never asked. I wanted so badly, but I was afraid. ‘Cause I knew the answer and I didn’t want to hear it. I could pretend that you love as as long as I couldn’t hear the denial from your lips.

*

I remember the first time you touched me, your fingertips running over my cheek. I remember how my heart was beating so hard and I couldn’t breathe.

I remember the first time your lips touched mine. I remember the feeling in my chest, I was burning.

I remember the first time we made love. I remember how your skin felainsainst mine.

Do you still remember?

*

"Kaoru." I breathed into your ear, touching your cheek slightly. I pressed my body against yours and I could feel your heart pounding in your chest.

Our new album was finished finally and we were celebrating it in a bar near our studio. Toshiya was sitting at the corner with Die, trying to make him look like woman. He had already used half of hic black eyeliner and bottle of his make-up remover, but hadn’t succeeded in his goal yet.

"Die hold still!"

"You can’t make me look like a friggin woman, give up already!"

"Shut up, whiner."

They were too busy to notice me coming to sit next you and pressing close to you. Thank god, I wouldn’t have had the energy to stand Toshiya’s and Die’s teasing.

I leaned forward and kissed your lips. They were cool and soft and tasted sweet. You whimpered little when I parted your lips with my tongue and explored your mouth. My hand moved to run up and down your side and yours grasped a fistful of my hair, pulling me closer to you.

As we parted, both breathless, I saw something new in your eyes. Had it always been there and I just hadn’t noticed? Or was it just the fact that we both were drunk and haven’t had a proper fuck in ages? I didn’t know then, but it didn’t matter.

"Bathroom." I whispered the word to your ear and ran my fingertips on your inner thigh. You pulledclosclose to you for a quick kiss and nodded your head. I rose to my feet and took your hand in mine, pulling up from the soft sofa we had been sitting. People around us didn’t even notice us, they were too concentrated on making out or pouring alcohol down their throat. But one pair of eyes caught mine, Shinya was looking at me coldly. I grinned to him and blew him a kiss. You laughed and pushed me inside the small room. The white walls held a thin shade of blue that came from the long lamps. You turned the lock clockwise ‘til it made a small clicking sound.

"But Kaoru-san! Isn’t that rude. Now other people can’t come here if they have to… pee." You grinned and walked close to me, wrapping your arms around my waist.

"Then we’ll have to make this quick, ne?" I didn’t have the time to reply before your lips were on mine. You pushed me against the wall and pinned my head above my head. You sucked and nibbled my bottom lip and I heard myself moan. Your hand ran down my side and you rocked our hips together, earning a second moan from me. My breath stuck on my throat as your hand slipped inside my loose jeans, wrapping your slender fingers around my cock. My knees gave in, but you held me tightly against the wall with my hands pinned above my head. Your hand picked up the speed and I felt myself coming to your hand.

You let go of my hands and I fell to the floor, panting hard. You walked to the sink and washed your hands. A grin made its way to your face as you watched me from mirror.

"Get up, I’m not done with you yet." I looked at you questionably. "Do you think that I’d be satisfied with my pants never even leaving?"

"Mine never did and I’m pretty pleased." I smirked at you and you turned to face me.

"Oh Kyo-kun… You are so easy to satisfy. But I need much more." You came to me and lifted me up from the floor. "I want to be inside you." Your murmur made me shiver. I wrapped my arms around your neck and pulled you for a kiss.

"So… why don’t you just…" I ran my fingers over the waistband of your jeans. "Take these off… and take me instead…" I kissed your lips softly and pressed my body against yours.

"Not here." You took my hand in yours and guided me off the bathroom and to the exit of the bar. You kissed me cheek before you pulled me outside. Snow landed on your light hair as we ran, hand in hand, to your car.

You smiled to me as you drove the car to the parking place of the apartment house where you were living. You took me inside of your apartment and guided me to your bedroom.

That night we had sex on your narrow futon that lay in the corner of your room. When you came inside me you screamed my name. Just before you fell asleep next to me you whispered four words to my ear. The word I had been waiting to hear from your lips for years.

"I love you, Kyo."

*

I cleaned your wounds when you had shattered yourself.

I kissed away the tears when you were crying.

I held you close to my body when you were scared.

I still would.

*

Don’t you know that it hurts me every time you touch him? Every time you hug him or smile to him reminds me of the night you and him left fucking to the bathroom and then disappeared somewhere.

I know you’re mine, but I still can’t help thinking…

What if I hadn’t been there when you knew it was over between you two? Would you still have come to me or was it me just because I was there when you were at your weakest and needed someone?

I love you with all my heart, I don’t want to let you go, even if it would be something that would make you happier.

I hear keys turning in the lock and see you entering our apartment. You smile to me and come to hug me. You have two shopping bags, one on each hand.

"Hi beautiful, I missed you." You kiss my cheek lightly.

"It took you one hour to go to shop, don’t try to feed that shit on me. You would be pretty pathetic if you couldn’t stand to be without me for even 60 minutes." My voice was too cold and I regretted what I said the second it came out of my mouth.

"Shinya, what’s wrong?" You drop the bags to the floor and pull me against your chest. Your hand caresses my hair softly. "Has something bad happened? Have I done something? Tell me…"

"I’m sorry… I didn’t mean that, I just…" I wrap my arms around your chest. "I’m just stressed, I guess… I didn’t mean what I said, I’m sorry." I feel a tear escape from the corner of my eye. Slowly you pull me to the cough, resting on your lap.

"Hush baby… It’s ok…" You kiss my forehead with a loving manner and rock my body slowly back and forth.

"No it’s not. I shouldn’t have said that to you." More tears start running down my cheeks. "I have no right to snap at you, when you have done nothing wrong… I’m sorry. I love you so much…" You kiss away every tear that has escaped my eyes and then you lift my face, so you can kiss my lips gently.

"Hush now… Don’t cry. I love you too." You hold me tighter against you. "I love you so much it hurts." I nuzzle my head against your chest and it feels so right.

"Let’s go to eat on a restaurant, shall we?" I look to your eyes and you smile to me. "The one that has low-fat Italian food." You give me a loving grin and I nod slightly, letting a small smile come to my lips.

"Now that’s something I wanted to see. You should smile more, you look so beautiful when you do." You kiss me again tenderly and I let your tongue past my lips. It’s a loving kiss, soft and gentle, just the way I like it.

*

I didn’t know how to get closer to you.

I never had the courage to tell you.

I was afraid you would leave me all alone.

Now I’m telling you this.

*

You had no idea what I felt for you, how your touch made my body ache for more, how your words made my heart pound faster.

I can still feel you come to me and wrap your arms around me from back, pulling me close to your body. I can hear your murmurs echo in my ears, making me whimper a little. Gods, I want you so much. I want you to be mine.

I loved the way you held me in your arms when I cried, how you wiped my tears with your thumb, how you planted a feather-light kiss on my cheek, how you told me to stop crying and smile. I loved the way you ran your finger through my hair when we watched TV on my old couch, my head resting in your lap. I loved you. I still do.

*

I love you, Kyo,

If you don’t love me back, just ignore this letter.

I don’t want to hear the reject from your sweet lips.

Kaoru

*

"Shinya…"

You talk when you sleep. Sometimes you mumble just some words, sometimes you tell a whole story. I stroke your soft hair and watch your sleeping form. You are so beautiful.

A small smile crosses your lips and slowly you open your eyes. "Good morning…" You say sleepily. I just smile at you and stroke your hair. Your hands wrap around my waist.

"What di you dream of?" I ask you as I kiss your forehead.

"Nothing special…" You give me a small kiss on the lips.

"Tell me Kao-Kao… I want to know." You blush a little and lift our blanket enough for me to see a definite plump in your boxers. "Ohh… I see…" I chuckle and you pull me closer to you. A grin makes its way to your face.

"Want to make my dream come true?"

*

There has been an accident with the transportation of your mail. We’re sorry about the delay.

The following letter is assumed to been sent four months ago.

Tokyo Post office

*

"Shinya…" His nails ducked in the hard leather of the armchair’s armrests as he threw his head back, moaning loudly. "Fuck… Shinya… I can’t… take it… much longer…" The slim drummer slide his mouth ever-so-slowly from the other man’s aching arousal. He heard a disappointed whimper from the older one’s lips.

He rose to his feet and gave a soft kiss on the guitarist’s lips. The black-haired man pulled the younger man to his lap as he deepened the kiss, earning a moan from the other one.

"Kaoru… I’m…" The older man froze. "I’m…" A soft pink rose to the drummer’s cheeks and he turned his gaze down.

"Scared?" The other man offered with a sweet smile. The younger man nodded a shyly. The raven-haired man pulled him closer to his body, pressing his lips against the other’s ear as he spoke. "If we’re going too fast, just say so. I’ve waited this long and if it feels right for you , I’ll wait more. I don’t want to rush things…" He took the drummer’s hand in his as he kissed the jaw of his lover. "Not with you." Their eyes met and the guitarist hadn’t ever seen so much trust in anyone’s eyes before.

"I love you, Kaoru…" He kissed the corner of the other man’s mouth. "And I want you inside me." He let his lips melt against the guitarist’s as he felt silky hands caress his back and neck. As they parted, both panting heavily, the guitarist gave him a worried look.

"Are you sure..? You don’t have to-" His words were cut by the drummers lips pressed hard against his, as the younger man slowly pushed himself down, letting the black-haired man fill him. A tear fell down his cheek as the piercing pain spread through him. His nails dug in the bandleader’s shoulders and a small whimper escaped his lips.

The guitarist moved his hands to the younger one’s hips, stroking the milky skin under his fingers. "The pain will stop soon, I promise." He pressed his lips against the other ones sliding his tongue past them. Gently hstedsted his lover’s mouth, massaging the other’s tongue with his own. Slowly he lifted the drummer’s hips up and at the same speed pushed him back to meet his. He continued the movement ‘til he felt the slender man relax and start responding, moving his hips up and down.

"Kaoru… Feels so good…" His breath came as short gasps as he quickened his speed. "I can’t… much longer…" The black-haired man moved his hand to the drummer’s cock, stroking it gently.

"Come for me, Shinya… My beautiful…" The younger man gazed at him shyly, his cheeks holding a light shade of pink. He pressed his lips softly against the other’s, silencing the moan that passed them, as he came to their stomachs, soon followed by the guitarist.

"I love you Shinya…" The black-haired man stroked the other’s cheek gently, before kissing his lips.

"I love you too…"

*

"Shinya…"

"Hmm?"

"I want tell them."

"What do you mean?"

"I want to tell to the band… about us."

"Is it about Kyo?"

"What?!"

"Do you want to show him that we are together? Is it what this is about?"

"Shinya, I don’t understand what you’re saying."

"Don’t try to deny that you still have feelings for him, I know it. You want to show him that you’re with me, that you’re with someone else than him. You’re trying to make him jealous, aren’t you?"

"What? Shiny, what the fuck are you talking about?"

"Just answer the question. Are you trying to make him jealous?"

"No! I am not trying to make him jealous. Shinya, I just don’t want to hide this anymore, I love you so much…"

"Fine, do what you like."

"Shinya… Fuck. We don’t have to do this if it’s so hard for you…"

"Isn’t that nice. See you at home."

"Shinya…!"

*click*

*

"Okay everybody, let’s have a break." He laid Ganesa against the wall and searched his pocket for a cigar pack. "Anyone for a cig?"

"Me." The red-headed guitarist started to walk towards the door, but the feminine bassist caught his hand.

"No way, Daisuke. I’m gonna put some makeup on you and you’re not leaving anywhere ‘til it’s finished!" He dragged the whining man to sit on a couch and got the make-up bag from the big back bag he had with him. "You’re going to be so pretty Die!" The guitarists grinned to each other.

"Ok, Die and Totchi are staying here, so Kyo?" Kaoru nodded to the small vocalist. "Are you coming?"

"Sure." A smile made its way to the small man’s lips.

"Die hold still! Now there’s mascara all over your face…"

Kyo lit his cigarette and took a deep drag from it.

"Kaoru… I got your letter." The taller man froze. "There had been some problems at the post office and I guess your letter was missing for quite a while."

"Kyo I…" The guitarist looked at the ground, ashamed.

"Kaoru… I don’t want to ignore you. I love you, have loved two years now, maybe even more." He threw the cigarette to the ground and stepped on it.

"Fuck… Kyo I’m…" The bandleader ran hand through his hair.

"Kaoru, please, don’t reject me. I love you so much… It hurts Kaoru, to be next to you, but not be able to touch you, your creamy skin, your silky hair…" The vocalist moved closer to Kaoru, pulling him for a light kiss. "…your soft lips. It hurts, Kaoru…"

"Kyo… I…" His words were cut by Kyo’s lips, moving softly over his lips, taking his bottom lip between them, nibbling and sucking lightly. The guitarist let the other man deepen the kiss and wrapped his arms around the vocalist’s thin waist.

"Kaoru, let’s… "The tears started running down the drummers cheeks as he saw the two men kissing before him. "Kaoru?"

"Shinya… Fuck." The guitarist pushed himself away from the smaller man, leaving him standing stunned. He ran to his lover, wrapping his arms around him. "Shinya… Please…"

"Kaoru… You said…" The slender man trembled in the bandleader’s arms, his eyes staring blankly to the other man’s, showing no feelings.

"Shinya… Don’t cry, please… It meant nothing. Nothing." He wrapped his hand tighter against the other, trying to earn a reaction from him. "Shinya…"

"Kaoru… what’s going on…? Shinya?" The vocalist stared at the pair before him shocked.

"Go away, Kyo! Haven’t you messed things up enough already?!" The guitarist cheeks flushed with anger. Stroking his lover’s braided hair he whispered to him. "Shinya, I love you… I love only you. You’re the only one for me… It meant nothing, it was just a kiss… Don’t cry baby…"

Kyo felt a twist in his chest. God, it hurt so much. ‘It meant nothing.’ He felt hot tears gather in his eyes. Slowly he walked back inside, making his way to bathroom.

He hit the door closed behind him as he collapsed to the floor, shaking rapidly as he cried. The floor felt cold against his cheek and his eyes burned with tears.

"Kaoru…"

"Shinya… Do you believe me…?" The guitarist stroked the other man’s cheek gently.

"Kaoru… Why…?" The drummer buried his face to his lover’s chest. "Why did you kiss him if it meant nothing…?"

"He… got the letter. He got it just now, the post office had messed up. He told me he… loved me and then… we were just kissing… I’m sorry…" He held Shinya even closer to himself.

"Kaoru, tell me the truth. Do you still love him…?" The drummer kept his hands wrapped around the guitarist.

"No, not in the same way. I love you, Shinya." The black-haired man kissed away the tears that stained the younger man’s skin.

"I love you too, Kaoru… I love you so much…"

"Kyo…" He wiped the tears off his face and stood up.

"Kyo!" He sat on the toilet seat and pulled the door closed as silently as he could. He heard the heavier door open and someone step inside.

"Kyo, I know you’re in here." He lifted his legs to the toilet seat, hugging them tight against his chest.

"Kyo…" He shut his eyes and leaned his back against the cold porcelain.

"Okay… So we’re not going to talk, but the least you can do is listen to me." He heard the bandleader sit on the floor and sighing deeply.

"I loved you, in a way I still do. But now… I have Shinya, I love him, more than anything." He wiped the tears from his eyes, he was so ashamed…

"It’s no eao easy to be strong all the time… At least when you’re not strong really… Shinya was there when I was weak, when I cried. First I hated him for seeing me like that, but… I don’t really know what happened… He told me he loved me, even when I was weak. He said it was okay to break." His nails dug to the skin of his palms.

"I’m still here for you, I still care." His body shook as he tried to fight the tears, failing.

"I really messed things again, didn’t I?"
- 1
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tabellae