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It Rips Your Heart Out	By : TenshiNoReyire Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > HIM Views: 1176 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of HIM. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-It Rips Your Heart Out
- 1
A/N: First off, sorry for another random story. I'm working on more. For my story's sake, I'm pretending And Love Said No was shot in January, February, or March. ^_^; So live with it. and of course usual disclaimer, I don't own anyone and this is fiction.

Novak watched Bam curl up in Ville's lap from across the room. The two drunk lovebirds started making out in front of everyone and he got up to leave.

"Novakkkkk ... where are you going?" Some preppy whores from the internet whined after him.

"Fuck you, I'm out."

"Awww cmonnnn." They whined and lazily reached their arms toward him.

Novak ignored them and walked by, hurrying out the door and into the cold Pennsylvanian night. He got away from the lights of the house and took a seat on the dead grass. He pulled the hood of his jacket over his head and hugged his knees, letting his tears fall. Life would never just leave him alone, would it?

Bam pulled away from Ville's warm kisses to stare into his eyes. Ville looked distant.

"What's up, Willa Walo?"

"... I was just thinking about how fast your friend Novak left a minute ago."

"He's probably gonna go hook up with some chick. It's cool." Bam laughed. "I'm not his mother."

Ville shook his head. "If you say so, sweetheart." The Finnish man didn't say anything, but he knew the look in Novak's eyes. Novak was jealous. Jealous because Ville had something he didn't. But Bam was always kind of clueless when it came to other people's feelings. Ville knew that look well ... he used to see it every day in the mirror.

Novak woke up to someone kicking him hard in the leg. He heard Bam's laughter.

"What the hell ... " Novak tried to move and everything hurt. He looked around and saw it was late in the morning.

"Why'd you fall asleep out here, you idiot?"

"... I didn't mean to." Novak sat up, groaning and felt his arms and legs. "Ugh I feel numb."

"You weren't ..."

Novak glanced at Bam with a disappointed look on his face. "I'm glad I have a best friend like you."

"I didn't mean it that way, Novak, really."

"Yeah fucking right."

"... Just go up to the house. You probably need medicine and shit. I'll see you later." Bam dragged Novak up the hill towards the house wordlessly and then ran to his car and sped off in it.

Novak stared at Bam's car for a few seconds and then turned and went inside with a shrug. He'd get over everything eventually ... he just wished eventually was sooner.

Ville ran into Novak on his way out. "Sorry."

"Looking for Bam?" Novak muttered.

"Yeah."

"He just went flying down the driveway."

"Oh he left again without me." Ville laughed slightly. "I think he'd forget himself if he could."

Novak just shrugged, sniffling.

"You got a cold?"

"Yeah ... I sorta fell asleep outside last night."

"Oh that's not good. Cmon, let's go get something to eat, and some medicine for you." Ville offered.

Novak rubbed his head, feeling a headache coming on. "Sure, sure, why not?" Ville and him went towards the kitchen, still talking about various things.

When Bam returned a few hours later, he returned home to an empty house. Everything seemed dark and quiet. Upstairs he heard a tv on and as he went up the steps, he saw the blue light of the tv spilling out into the hall from Novak's room. He pushed the door open and looked in. And to his surprise, his best friend and his boyfriend were curled up on the same bed together. He stared for a few minutes.

'It's not really what you think, Bam.' he told himself. 'I mean look they're not even touching.'

In all truth, Novak was lying sideways with his back against the pillows and he was using his arm for a pillow. Ville was curled up at the end of the bed, practically drowning in a hoodie Bam had given him for Christmas. Bam looked at the tv. The pair had been watching Haggard. Bam felt a smile creep onto his face. They were thinking about him while he was gone. How sweet. He walked away, slightly laughing to himself.

'Of course Ville only loves me. What was I thinking?' he went to his room to wait for them to wake up.

Ville yawned and sat up. He looked over across the bed where he thought Novak was. But Novak wasn't there. He heard some noises in the bathroom. Like someone dropping something.

"Fuck ... " Novak's voice whispered.

"Novak?" Ville called. "You in there?"

"Yeah, yeah ... uh I'm shaving and I dropped the razor ... again." He half laughed at himself.

"Oh, okay. Well, I'm gonna see if Bam's home. I'll see you later."

"Bye."

Ville didn't think anything of it and walked down the hall.

The next day, everyone woke up to Bam playing HIM very very loud from downstairs. Everyone of course, ran out of their rooms and asked him exactly what the fuck he was doing.

"Get up. Get ready. We're leaving in a hour." Bam grinned.

"Bam, MTV's not even here ... " Rabb whined.

"I don't care." He said, in his happy, excited voice.

"We're leaving." He ran off, leaving "Your Sweet Six Six Six" on to torture everyone while they got dressed.

Ape and Phil opted not to go and so did some other members of the house. In the end, it came down to Rabb, Dunn, Novak, Ville and Bam. They all shoved into a new Hummer Bam had gotten, since Vito wrecked the old one. It was still red of course, and Bam hadn't even gotten a chance to destroy any of it yet.

"Okay, Bam where are we going?" Ville asked with a yawn.

"You'll see." Bam smiled at Ville, in a way he only smiled for the Finnish man. No one else ever got that look. No one else could be, or ever could match up to Ville in his eyes.

Ville smiled right back. "Okay babe."

The drive wasn't that long, but the other occupants of the Hummer fell asleep quickly. The cold morning and the boring highway did that to them. Bam just yawned and glanced in the rearview mirror where Novak, Rabb and Dunn were sitting. Novak was over towards one of the windows, sleeping curled up against the armrest. Of course Rabb was curled up right against Dunn, practically in his arms, sleeping peacefully. Dunn had an arm around Rabb and gently was resting his head on top of Rabb's. Bam laughed to himself softly. He pulled slowly into a long driveway, and as the mansion came in view, he couldn't help but smile at it's beauty. This place meant more to him then alot of people knew ...

He pulled into the driveway, and gently shook Ville awake.

"Vil ... look, we're here."

Ville rubbed his eyes and sat up, looking out the window. The beautiful sight of Fonthill mansion greeted his eyes, and it made him grin.

"Oh Bam bam ..." he sighed deeply. Turning, he saw Bam had tears in his eyes. He kissed the skateboarder gently. "I'm glad you remembered."

"Today's the most important day in my life. I couldn't forget it. Not even a guy like me can forget." Bam leaned over to kiss Ville gently on the lips.

The guys in the back slowly stirred. Dunn and Rabb tried to pretend they weren't clinging to each other but Ville and Bam were too interested in each other to notice. Everyone hopped out of the car into the cold air and stared up at the mansion. Bam and Ville had fallen in love there, on the set of And Love Said No. They were standing in the castle in one room, during the shoot and finally discussed exactly what had been happening to both of them over the years. Ville confessed that he had fallen in love with Bam a few years back, but was too scared to tell him. And as Bam stared up into Ville's sad green eyes, he knew for sure that he was in love with the most perfect man on earth.

"I rented it for two days. And I had to pay 'em alot ... but we can stay here over night."

"I'm glad you're my boyfriend." Ville whispered, taking Bam's hand in his.

"Why'd you bring us with you two lovebirds, anyways?" Dunn laughed.

"Ehhhh cause I wanted to." Bam grinned.

"Good enough reason for me." Rabb grabbed Dunn's gloved hand and didn't care that anyone noticed. Something about being at Fonthill, something about what day it was, it made everyone overly sentimental. Except for Novak, who was scowling over by the door to the mansion.

Later that night, the boys were all huddled in a big empty room with thier sleeping bags and a portable space heater, and Bam was trying to tell everyone a creepy story about some ghost in the mansion but it never came out right and ended up sounding lame and everyone started cracking up. Bam snuggled in next to Ville and they cuddled while Dunn told everyone some embarressing story about Rake and DiCo.

After awhile, Bam noticed Novak wasn't there.

"Ville, I'm gonna go find Novak. He hasn't been looking good lately ... and I'm kind worried about him." Bam crawled out of the sleeping bag and pulled on his Love Metal jacket.

"Okay, Bammy." Ville smiled at him and snuggled into the side of the sleeping bag where Bam was a few moments ago and listened to more of Dunn's physco stories.

Bam found Novak in another room, sitting by himself in the dark, smoking a cigarette. Other then that the only light was from the moonlight shining in a window in the far corner of the room.

"Novak ... you alright?"

"Yeah, fine, just came here for a smoke."

"You could have smoked in there with us, you know."

"Yeah, yeah. But I wanted to think."

"About what?"

"Things."

"Things?"

"Yeah, now go away already. I'll be back soon." Novak coughed. His cold was getting worse from sleeping outside the other night. He sighed and took the last long drag off his cigarette and put it out on the ground. Bam still hadn't moved from his place. He just sat there silently.

"Novak."

"What now?"

"What's going on? We're friends, you can talk to me."

"... No I can't."

"You can't. I'm not buying that bullshit."

"Well then fuck off."

"Fuck you."

"Whatever."

"I'm just trying to help."

"Did I ask for it?"

"You did before ..."

"That was before ... " Novak caught himself and shut up.

"Before what?"

"Before ... before him. Before everything, Bam. Before things between us changed."

"Things changed? I didn't know about that." Bam frowned.

"Yes, everything is completely different now." Each word Novak said was halting, and even though Bam couldn't see his face in the dark, he thought he heard an emotion in his voice that he hadn't heard in a long time.

"Then tell me what is wrong so I can fix it, or at least try to fix it, Novak."

"You know what Bam, I'll fucking tell you, okay? Then will you leave me alone."

"Sure, sure, whatever."

"Okay then ... " Novak quickly smoked another cigarette down to his knuckle and coughed. "Bam, the truth is that I don't want to be your best friend anymore."

Bam stared at Novak. "What the hell?"

"I don't want to be your best friend, Bam. I hate it. I hate seeing you and Ville. I hate seeing you in his arms, I hate seeing him so happy with you, I HATE it. I love you, Bam. I love you. I want to be your boyfriend and I want Ville to disappear." Novak sobbed silently into his arm as Bam remained silent.

The skateboarder stood up. "Novak, I don't love you. You know that. I love Ville ... I don't even know what to say to you. Saying you wish my boyfriend would disappear ... " Bam paused. He looked down and saw Novak staring up at him and suddendly the moonlight fell across his eyes and Bam saw his tear stained face. Novak got up and took off running and Bam was just too shocked to chase after him.

When Bam returned to the group, he told them Novak called someone to get him and went home because he felt sick and they accepted it. But the next morning when they headed home, Bam kept calling Novak's phone and no one picked up. He called home, but his parents said that Novak hadn't come by there, and they thought he was at the mansion.

It took Bam a whole week to even find out where Novak was. He was hiding out at an empty house a friend of a friend had lent him. Bam rushed up the steps and slammed his fist into the door and screamed Novak's name repeatedly until his friend came to the door. Novak looked like hell. Bam couldn't even say anything.

"What?"

"I wanted to find you ... I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"... Bam. Do I look okay?"

Bam just glared at him. Novak shook his head and motioned for Bam to come inside. They sat down and then there was silence until Novak said something.

"Well, why are you really fucking here?"

"Am I just supposed to sit by while you ruin your life ... again?"

"It's my life to ruin."

"Oh shut the fuck up, Novak. You know you can't make me leave with a shitty excuse like that."

"Oh go fuck yourself, Bam. Look who's talking."

"Fucking hell." Bam buried his face in his hands. Obviously, Novak had no clue what toll this whole thing was taking on Bam. "I don't know what else to do."

"You had your chance."

"I wasn't going to lie."

"I said I loved you, Bam. I said I loved you with all of me. You don't love me. So get out of my life."

"Novak ... damnit man ... " Bam's voice turned into a sob as his friend's blank eyes seemed to stare right through him into nothing. "You can't ..."

"You told me the truth, okay? Now just fucking leave me alone ... "

"I ... I ..."

"Go back to your fucking rockstar already."

Bam left the room in a hurry, trying to choke back his tears. It didn't matter who you were. It wasn't easy to hear something like that from a person you thought would always be by your side. But humans aren't that simple, and love is never that easy. Sometimes love makes everything worse instead of better. Sometimes ... there's nothing you can do.

Novak wiped the tears away from his eyes that he hidden until Bam ran from the room. Sighing he grabbed the things he needed before any clear thought could change his mind. As he shot a fatal dose of herion into the crook of his arm, he smiled bitterly, thinking of all the stupid nicknames, all the jokes, all the laughter, all the things he thought he loved, just everything that was life in general. He remembered what it was like to have someone die in your arms. Unfortunately for him ... he was dying alone.

Everything was getting blurry and a few words left his lips. "I loved you ... I gave you myself ... I guess I'm not going to ever be good enough for someone like you ... "

The last thing in his memory was the voice of the only person he ever really loved. The voice saying something he had heard so many times before. That beautiful voice ...

"I can't save you from yourself."

The End
- 1
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It Rips Your Heart Out