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Dying Wish	By : andruejorj Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Good Charlotte Views: 1125 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Good Charlotte. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Dying Wish
- 1
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Benji/Joel or any other member of Good Charlotte. In fact I don’t own anyone. It’s just a story for entertainment purposes only.

Please let me know what you think, good or bad I thrive on it all.

AN This story came to me when I was listening to ‘Almost Here’ by Delta Goodrem and Bryan McFadden.

‘But when I need you, you’re almost here

And I know that’s not enough

And when I’m with you, I’m close to tears

‘Cause you’re only almost here’

Almost Here – Delta Goodrem and Bryan McFadden

“Hey Joel, get up we’re on television,” Benji said bouncing on the bed his twin Brother was sleeping in.
Joel’s mind flickered into consciousness and he pulled the blankets up over his head.
“Benji, we’re always on television,” he reminded him.
I know that,” he replied, “but it’s still cool.”
Joel sat up and rubbed at his eyes then pushed Benji off of his bed. “That’s what you get for waking me up,” he said. He could hear Benji laughing as he sank back under the covers. He didn’t want to wake up; he wanted to lie there forever, dreaming. Dreaming about the one thing he could never have; the loving kiss that he craved so much from Benji.
He thought about their tongues intertwining inside each other’s mouths, thought about their naked bodies rubbing against one another.
Tears seeped from under his eyelids as the sound of Benji, singing along to their song on the television pulled him from his own mind. He wanted more than anything, to look his brother in the eyes and tell him exactly how he felt, but he knew if he did that, he’d end up with a black eye. Or worse, Benji would probably never speak to him again and Joel just couldn’t live if that were to happen.
He wiped his eyes dry, sat up and threw a pillow at him. “Benji, it’s still dark outside and you’re waking me up to watch television?”
Benji grinned and leaned forward to ruffle his brothers raven hair. “If I’m awake I don’t see why you should be able to sleep.”
Joel shook his head and headed to the bathroom. As he locked the door, more tears fell from his eyes and he sobbed quietly.
He had an aching in his stomach caused by guilt and shame, he wanted Benji to know, he really did but he couldn’t even find the words in his own mind let alone having it come out of his mouth, it would be gibberish.
He put the lid down on the toilet and just sat there. His mind once again giving in to a dark depression that he just couldn’t seem to get away from. He had hidden his feelings towards Benji for so many years and it was taking its toll on him, killing him. He could feel himself dying inside.
What he wouldn’t give right now to have his brother hold him tight and tell him everything would be fine. But Joel knew it would never happen. How could it?
He wiped his eyes dry once more then stood up and stared at himself in the mirror hanging above the sink.
The young man staring back at him was a stranger. A far cry from the somewhat happy guy he used to be.
“Are you alright in there, Joel,” Benji asked, knocking lightly on the bathroom door.
Joel jumped at the sound of his brother’s voice. “Uh, yeah, Benj,” he replied, “why wouldn’t I be?” He wasn’t sure but he could swear blind panic escaped in his voice.
“It’s just that you’ve been in there a while. Are you sure you’re okay?” The concern Benji was showing only made Joel want him more.
He took a deep breath before opening the door and pasting a wide grin on his face. “Yeah, like I said I’m fine.”
Benji smiled back and Joel knew just by the look in his eye that he could tell something was bothering him.
As Joel sat down on his bed and searched for the clothing he’d thrown on the floor the night before, Benji sat beside him.
“Why would you lie to me?” he asked. Joel froze in place for a long moment, dropping his pants back to the floor. He turned to face his brother. Benji was smiling sympathetically, knowing something was causing his brother great pain.
“W-what are you talking about?” Joel asked, trying as hard as he could to look at anything but Benji.
“I’m talking about this,” Benji explained, waving a hand in front of Joel's face, “what’s with not looking me in the eye? Did I do something? Or say something to upset you?”
Joel’s eyes filled with tears once again, but he wouldn’t let them fall. “Why would you think that?” he asked trying to sound as though nothing was wrong at all and faking a slight smile, but his voice gave him away.
“I think that,” Benji began, “because I heard you crying in the bathroom before I knocked.”
Joel looked at him and let his tears fall. He couldn't hold on any longer, his face was wet within seconds and he couldn't stop. “I’m so sorry,” he sobbed. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
Benji put a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “You didn’t mean for what to happen Joel?” he asked, “what did you do, you’re freaking me out a little here.”
Joel lowered his head and took a deep breath. “I didn’t do anything, “he replied, “I’m sick.”
“Oh my god, Joel, You’re sick? What’s wrong with you? Why didn’t you say?”
“Not physically sick,” Joel explained, still sobbing lightly. He hadn’t meant to say that much but once he opened up, he just kept on going, and he couldn’t stop himself. “Mentally sick,” he added. He looked up at Benji and his heart sank when he saw the confusion and non-understanding on his brother’s face. “Don’t you get it, Benjamin? I love you.”
“And I love you Joel,” Benji told him, “But I can’t help you until you tell me exactly why you think you’re mentally sick.”
Joel hesitated for a moment. He didn't know what to say. A million and one things were going through his mind and he didn't have the words for any of them.
He put his hand on the one Benji had placed on his shoulder. He looked him directly into his eyes and opened his mouth to say something, but changed his mind; instead, he leaned forward and kissed Benji lightly on the lips.
“Wow,” Benji said, “you haven’t done that since, well, I can't even remember. It's been at least since just after Dad left us.”
Joel closed his eyes tight, he thinks it was just a loving, brotherly kiss, he thought. He opened his eyes, took a breath and tried again. Benji thought he was just going to do the same again, so he leaned forward and puckered his lips, ready to accept another peck.
Joel opened his mouth and parted Benji’s lips with his tongue. Immediately, Benji backed off, alarm bells going off inside his head.
“What the hell was that!” he exclaimed.
Joel looked away again, suddenly wishing he hadn’t done it in the first place.
“Please, please tell me you didn’t just try to tongue me,” Benji said in disbelief.
“I did,” Joel whispered. “That’s why I’m sick. I couldn’t tell you, I had to show you. I love you Benji, more than I should and I know that, but I can’t help it.” Their eyes locked again. “You hate me don’t you?” Joel asked.
Benji quickly stood up from the bed and headed toward the door. “Joel, I don’t hate you. I’m just freaked out, I... I can’t be around you. Don’t try and talk to me for the rest of today, I need time to think and you need to think about getting help or something.” And with that he left, leaving Joel staring at the spot he’d been in when he’d tried to french him.
“How can he say he doesn’t hate me, when he hates the way I feel about him,” Joel said to the empty room. He touched his lips as he sobbed again, he did that a lot lately, and it was getting uncontrollable.
He kept replaying those few moments back in his head. Each time a new wave of guilt, shame and regret poured over him. How could he go on, knowing that the one thing he wanted in the world, the one person he would ever truly love, had just walked out on him and told him not to talk to him. He felt unwanted. In those few moments, he had realised that he didn’t belong there. Something had to be done. I have to end this, he thought, I can't go on feeling this way.

As he looked in the bathroom mirror again, Joel could only see a disgrace. A fool.
“Idiot!” he told his reflection, “you stupid idiot. He hates me now. I love him more than words can ever say and he hates me. He says he doesn’t but I could see it in his eyes.” He opened the cupboard to which the mirror was attached, took out a bottle of aspirin and swallowed the lot, not bothering with a glass of water, just letting them fall down his throat, crunching them. At that point, he didn’t care about the taste, although it was pretty vulgar.
He knew it wouldn’t be long before the painkillers had done their job and killed his pain, so he headed back to his bedroom, pulled a pen and notepad out of a drawer and began to write:

‘Dear Benji,
I wish you hadn’t heard me crying in the bathroom then I wouldn’t have had to tell you of my sick mindedness. But I wish more than anything, at this moment in time that you weren’t my brother, that you were some guy I had met in a club while we were on tour and that you were here right now, holding me, holding my hand, making love to me, telling me it was all going to be okay.’

Joel could feel himself becoming drowsy and he stopped writing for a moment, stepped across from his own bed to Benji’s and sniffed his pillow, inhaling his scent.

‘I love you so much and there is no way I can go on without you feeling the same way. You hurt me when you told me not to talk to you and when you said I needed help, but at least you say you don’t hate me although I don’t believe it. I’ve lived with these feelings for years. Ever since dad left us, and you gave me all of your attention to help get me through. I can feel my self slipping away now, there’s not much time left.
I love you Benji, more than words can ever describe and hopefully, I’ll be waiting on the other side for you, by then I hope you’ll have found a way to forgive me for what I feel and for what I’m doing now.
Love you always, Joel x’

He lay the pen down next to the notepad and tore off the sheet he'd been writing on, then climbed onto his bed, not bothering to get dressed. He placed the note on his bare chest and closed his eyes.

It was just getting light when Benji found himself standing a few blocks from where they lived. He sat in an alley way, thoughts of all the times he and Joel had been together running through his mind, trying to remember if there were any clues that he had missed. How could he not have picked up on that? And how was he supposed to act around him now, knowing that Joel wanted him in a way he never even thought siblings could feel about one another.
He smiled as a memory of him and Joel falling into a frozen lake entered his mind. It had been freezing, like knives scraping at their skin. They had slept in the same bed together that night to keep each other warm. He remembered curling up behind his brother, the touch of Joel’s skin on his own as they hugged. It was nice.
Wait, what am I thinking? It wasn’t nice. He’s my brother. He couldn’t shake the memory, and although he desperately didn’t want to admit it, he had to. It was nice.
Other memories of them hugging, and touching each other filled his head, memories of them giving each other kisses. When he remembered those times, he got butterflies in his stomach.
Tears of shame flowed down his face as the realisation hit him, that, he was in love with Joel; he’d just been too blind to see it. The thought of being in love with his own brother made him feel sick and he was begining to see how Joel must have been feeling, but he felt worse when he recalled the conversation they had just had.
I can’t be around you right now. Don’t try and talk to me for the rest of today, I need to think. You need to think about getting help.
“Joel,” he whispered. “Why did you have to tell me this, I was blissfully unaware of the whole thing, I wish I still was. I guess now we’re just going to have to get through this somehow.”
Suddenly, Benji realised he was talking to himself and chuckled lightly.
His mind wondered as he made his way home, he wondered what Joel was doing, he wondered why he had been so blind as to the way he felt about Joel, although he figured it was probably because he didn’t want it to be true. Hearing it, or rather feeling it coming from Joel made it all too real. How could he have blocked his feelings out of his mind? Pushed them so far down that it took a kiss from Joel to release them?
The first thing I’m going to do when I see Joel, is give him the kiss he wants, the kiss I want. God, I love him so much. If only I had stayed and talked it over with him, maybe I would have realised sooner. I shouldn’t have gotten angry.
His plan was simple, get home, tell Joel how he really felt and then kiss him, hard. And not necessarily in that order.

“Joel?” Benji made his way up the stairs, hoping Joel would still be home. He’d known Joel to just get up and go for a walk at all hours of the morning, so he wouldn’t be worried if he wasn’t there.
“Joel are you here,” he called out again, there was still no reply. “Joel I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you earlier, we just need to talk about…” his words trailed off as he walked through the door of his bedroom and saw the note lying across Joel’s chest.
“Joel,” Benji whispered. “Joel?” he shoved him hard with his hand but there was no response.
“Joel, please don’t do this,” he begged. “I love you too, I love you,” he climbed over his brother and put his ear next to his nose and mouth. He wasn’t breathing.
“Shit!” Benji was panicking. “Joel, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I love you too, please, come back!” He reached into his pocket for his cell phone and called for an ambulance.
“Help’s on its way Joel, You’ll be fine.” He did as the operator had instructed and began CPR, pinching Joel’s nose with his finger and thumb, tilting his head back, opening his mouth and breathing for him, then pushing down on his chest to help his heart to beat. The truth was, he didn't exactly know what he was doing, he'd never trained for this. All he had to go off was what he had seen in movies or on E.R.
“Joel come on, come back I love you.” Benji yelled. “Please, don’t leave me. I’m sorry I never meant to hurt you. i need you.”
After a short time the door burst open and the ambulance crew came through.
“Stand aside, please,” one of them told Benji. He did as he was told.
He could only stand and watch as they put tubes down his brother's throat and shocked him with the defibrillator. Nothing was working.
“I’m so sorry,” the one that seemed to be in charge told him, “but I’m afraid we’re too late, he’s already gone.”
“No,” Benji yelled at him, “You have to keep trying. I need him. Please! keep trying...” Benji sank to his knees and screamed in pain. His face was a mess with black lines streaking his face from his tears mixing with his eyeliner.
The medic put his hand on Benji’s shoulder. The look in his eyes was that of sorrow. “Listen son, there really isn’t anything more we can do, he’s gone.” He said. “Maybe if we had been thirty minutes sooner…”
“Please,” Benji pleaded, “I can’t do this on my own. What am I supposed to do now? How am i supposed to live? I love him. Joel, please come back, don't leave me!”
“I really can’t answer that,” the medic said softly. “Was your friend depressed? had he been suicidal when you left?”
Benji looked at the bed Joel’s lifeless body was laying on then back at the medic. “He’s my lover,” he said. “It was all my fault, if I hadn’t gone out, I would have been here, and he wouldn’t have… and I would've...” He trailed off and he saw the Medic nodding understandingly. Although he wasn't making any sense, the medic seemed to understand.
“There’s nothing more for us to do here,” the Medic told Benji. “The police will be coming out; it’s just formal procedure, then the coroner. Is there anyone we can call for you?”
Benji shook his head. “I’ll call everyone myself,” he said, his breath catching with every word that came out of his mouth.
The medic nodded and followed the rest of his crew out.
Benji didn’t know what to do.
If only he had let Joel sleep earlier that morning, none of this would have happened. He had listened to the pleasantries of the crew and watched them leave. He was shocked; his mind was all messed up with feelings, regrets. His heart ached and he yearned for Joel to open his eyes and hug him, kiss him, just hold him.
“Please Joel,” Benji sobbed kneeling next to Joel’s bed, “please come back, I need you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I love you. I can't do this by myself, how am i ever going to move on from this. You'll never know that I love you like you love me.”
But Joel didn’t come back. And now Benji felt as though half of his soul had been ripped away from him. If only he’d realised sooner how he felt, they could have been happy. Now he was sure he was destined for a life of misery and guilt. He couldn’t wait to see Joel again, waiting for him on the other side, just as he’d promised.
- 1
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Dying Wish