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As Image Dictates	By : indira Category: > Die/Shinya Views: 2280 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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- 1
Title: As Image Dictates
Author: Indira Neill
E-mail: inofangirl@yahoo.com
Archive/Mirror: yes
Genre: yaoi...yes....lemon...::feels dirty::
Band/Pairings: Dir en Grey/DiexShinya
Comments: Yes, little me who swore I would never write pure Dir en Grey yaoi. This idea just kinda came to me and fit best with Dir en Grey I guess. Shinya pov (really should write things other then povs occasionally) Also, I'm not sure about the relationship between Dir en Grey and Lareine, except for the fact there is one o.O Also, note to people. Don't listen to New Sodmy's Farewell over and over. Look what it made me do. This is so much happier then my previous stuff it's scary. Well, at least there is some blood ::evil laughter::
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It really wouldn't be hard for me to formally 'come out' and say I was in love with one of my bandmates. I mean, we've done everything but formally say it. Really, anyone looking at our photo shoots can realize that. Even if it were just fanservice, we wouldn't do it so often. They must see how we interact with each other, how we tease and touch and whisper. Its not as if none of us don't like women. Toshiya is the worst by far. But he doesn't care of the gender as long as it's beautiful. Kaoru looks deeper though. He looks for the beautiful people in this world. It's amazing how he's found that inner beauty in Toshiya. How he cares for him, makes him feel loved. But at the same time he's as much as a child as his lover. He knows he could never keep Toshiya to himself. Toshiya is that beautiful person everyone fawns over. Everyone wants him. He's perfect in body, in personality, he's emotional and happy. I wish I could be more like Toshiya.
Since he joined us Kaoru has become more and more child like. He's completely in love with him but at the same time he know's Toshiya's tragic flaw. It's so hard for Toshiya not to be overcome by what he calls 'love at first sight.' Of course, in the end he realizes all those men and women were after was his body, his name, his everything but him. And he comes sobbing back into Kaoru's arms. With child like enthusaism Kaoru takes him back. Hold's him, comforts him, whispers to him, loves him until everything will be ok again. I'll sit in the same room while this is happening, sit and listen to it all and take it in. Of course, I wouldn't know anything about matters of the heart now would I? Because I'm the shy, anti-social drummer who would never admit to anyone he was in love.
I'm not depressed or anything, far from it in fact. It's just that I prefer to keep to myself. I've never really been that social. And I guess age has a little to do with it. Not much though, more because I was sheltered for so long. I'm no longer a young innocent but I was faced with so many things at once I feel like I'm still catching up to the others. I don't want to hurt anyone else while I'm still trying to figure out who I am myself.
Really, I don't want to hurt anyone. That's why everytime Die, Die. When Kaoru took up doing photo shoots with Toshiya that left me up with Die since it made the most sense for Kyo to take the solo shots. I mean, sometimes I do shoot's with Toshiya too, but most of the time it's Die. He teases me to no end. Toshiya says it's because I'm beautiful and he wants to get in my skirt. I don't think I'm beautiful, not in the way Toshiya is. Toshiya is equally stunning as a man or a woman, he can attract either sex depending on his mood. I'm rather normal as either sex. My face is too masculine to be a woman and my body is too frail to be a man. I wanted to dress like a woman to be like Yoshiki. When I was younger I just wanted to be like him. So I grew out my hair, when we started playing lives I wanted to dress the part as well. When I go home and take off the makeup, I'm just me. When Toshiya goes home and takes off his makeup, he's the same person underneath. I would be flattered if Die actually felt something towards me, but I doubt that's it. He's teasing me like he would tease a little brother, that's all. Even if he did harbor other feelings towards me, I wouldn't be able to reciprecate them. I just don't feel myself attracted to him in that way. But I hope he's always there to protect me. To help me with things, because I do love him. And I feel close to him dispite the teasing, because I know if there was really something wrong he'd be there to support me.
Of course, the person I do have that attraction to would never accept me. And I'm so stuck in this image we've created that I can't find a way to tell him, to show him that I want to be with him. It's funny how we'd be so physically incompatable yet, I still want him to know how I feel. Sometime's I wish it was Die I loved. At least then it would fit my image. This image puts Toshiya with Kaoru, myself with Die and Kyo alone. He wants this solitary, depressed image. Although we all know that's not who Kyo is. He's the same as the rest of us, he just think's about things too much and makes himself think he's depressed. When he stops thinking about it he's happy and childish. But his image is that of the dark lost little boy who has more then a few issues with his mother. Truth is he calls his mother every weekend to assure her that he's ok. He talks about being betrayed as a child but that's all image as well. We're all really light hearted people. Of course we are flawed but we're normal. We want to make money, we want to live happily, we want to find love.
It's nice to have some time off though. As much as I love my bandmates, I always have been kind of a loner when I get the chance. I like being at home and relaxing, watching music programs and occasionally playing to release stress. Die wanted to buy me a guitar and teach me to play it. His argument was that Yoshiki can play so I should too. As much as I want to be like Yoshiki that doesn't mean I want to be his carbon copy. Although I did try learing a bit of piano. Maybe I'll let him teach me. It' might be fun getting to spend some time with him. Underneath that scary persona he's really sweet to me. I like playing his little brother. I feel safe around him, Kyo makes me nurvous, probally because I want him to notice me more. I want him to compliment me and tell me I'm doing a good job. All I need from him is some confromation that he notices me. Something to show his image isn't becoming who he really is.
I like drumming. It makes me feel, in control and powerful. It's something I can really do well. And I don't look so frail when I do it. Even if I do look frail it's hard for people to call me weak when they watch me drum. I've been working on getting stronger so that I won't get tired so easily. As much as I want to tell everyone I'm strong and can take anything I know my own weakness. But at least I'm doing something about it. I'm not sitting by and playing damsel in distress. I'm doing something about it.
"Hey, Die, yeah, it's me, Shinya, well, uh, yeah I was wondering..."
I don't really like making phonecalls. That's why I didn't give them my cell number, for some reason I feel uncomfortable on the phone. It puts a distance between people but not enough of a distance for me to feel comfortable. It's kind of ackward. I don't really know how to explain it. I didn't realize it was so late, I must have woken Die up because his voice sounds groggy. At the same time he sounds a bit shocked that I'm actually calling him. It's not as if I'm compeletly anti-social.
"Yeah, I didn't mean to wake you up, you don't, no Die, if you've got plans, it's ok, really."
Well, alot of good that did me. Looks like he's coming over. I don't even know why I invited him in the first place. It's not like I need him to be here. I like being alone. But still, I wanted to see someone. Do something to get my mind off of, well, thinking so much. It's when I start thinking that things really go downhill for me. Thinking can turn the happiest person into a total wreck. It's best to not really think about anything. Not that I should be obivious to the world. But there is no place to think about the compexities of human nature. In the end they won't matter and you only make yourself depressed.
The guitar Die gave me was a deep blue. Rather simple looking compared to some of the guitars he plays. He told me it was a good one to start with. Although I never did tell him I wanted to learn to play. He just kind of bought it for me. Normally, if I'm writing a song I just come up with a melody in my head and hum it to Kaoru or Die and they can flesh it out. But Die also insisted I should play parts of it myself to make it 'easier' for them. Although it may be good for me to learn to play. Then Ireally wouldn't have to rely on them so much. Maybe Die coming over isn't such a bad idea. He does get along well with Puppy.
It'll probally take him fifteen minutes or so to walk here. I doubt he'd bother with his car. It's too much effort and the weather is nice enough. And it's not like he lives very far. I should probally come up with some sort of food, he eats more then me and Kaoru combined. Although I don't keep any snack foods. He'll have to settle for fruit or something. I don't know why I'm getting so nurvous all of a sudden. Probally because it's late and I'm not quite thinking straight. I'd turn on the tv but I know there's nothing on. I might as well try to play something so I don't look like a total fool when Die shows up. Although, it would be kind of hard to avoid. Maybe I should change. And probally take off some of this makeup. It's weird, I feel naked now when I'm not wearing makeup. I am rather over dressed for this late at night. It's not like I walk around as a woman all day. A white dress shirt, black pants, a little eye shadow and lipstick, its a bit much for sitting around the house.
Black warmup pants, a white t-shirt, a little better I guess, and no makeup. Reluctantly I move back to the couch with Puppy. I know there's nothing on but I filp through the channels anyway trying to kill time. Normally I'm most relaxed in my own apartment. But right now it's different. I mean, I'm acting irrationally.
Die got here sooner then I expected. I can tell his knock from the others. Its hard and forcefull. Like he thinks I can't hear him if he knocks normally. My stomach is light.
"Who's there?"
I already know the anwser but I ask the question anyway. People always seem to do stupid things like that. Of course now I'm thinking again and I promised myself not to think tonight.
"Pizza boy."
Like always there is more then a hint of sarcasm in his voice. Just like Die to try to tease me no matter how stupid he sounds in the end. That's the one thing I get out of Die's constant teasing, he is the one who looks like the fool.
I pull the door open and ironicly Die is standing there with a pizza box in hand. Guess I didn't have to worry over food after all. He also has a cigarette in his mouth, that has to change.
"Die..please, could you not smoke in here."
He gives me his best attempt at a puppy face and passes the pizza box to me. I can smell the grease and it makes me feel ill. At the same time I kind of want a piece. Die runs into my bathroom to find a suitable way to dispose of his cigarette. I carry the box into the small kitchen and set it on the table and go about looking for a plate for Die. Within moments a set of hands reach around my waist.
"You know, Shin-kun, we could just take the box into the living room and not bother with plates."
His arms around my waist make me more then slightly uncomfortable. It's not as if they've never rested there before. But somehow, it's different when you're in costume and there are cameras and it's what you've been told to do. Silently I push his hands away and pick up the box. I don't want him to think anything is wrong so I smile at him as I speek.
"Just as long as you don't get any grease on my carpet."
A small smile crosses his lips and he nods in agreement. Without asking he opens my refridgerator and takes out two beers. I don't really know why I keep alcohol in my house. I hardly drink it, but then again whenever someone is over thats exactly what they look for. I should protest and aquire a healthier drink, but one won't really hurt me.
He leads into the living room and plops down on the floor and sits crosslegged with that same goofy grin on his face. I have little choice but to sit in the same fasion across from him on the floor. Like a small child he reaches for the remote I left on the couch without having to actually stand up and knocks one of the unopened beers over in the process. The delight on his face once he's aquired the object is a picture of innocence. It's really hard for me to think of Die ever being innocent. He carelessly flips through the channels and settles on a music program. It's a new one I haven't seen before. A band called New Sodmy is on it. Oh, right, that's Kamijo and Mayu's new band. I've wanted to see what they're like. Kyo was friends with Emiru so we got to know them pretty well.
"Hey, Die, isn't that Kamijo and Mayu?"
I don't expect an anwser right away since Die is busy craming pizza in his mouth and has his racoon like attetion focus on the tv. He swallows the rest of the slice down with a gulp of beer and turns to me.
"Yeah, it's their new group. They're a bit more rock then Lareine was. I kinda like them."
The other guitarist and the bassist look young. Around our age, maybe younger. Die was right, they are more rockish then Lareine was. Well, I'm sure Kyo would know about them more. I kinda like them too. Maybe I should ask Kyo about them when we go back into the studio. It'll give me an excuse to talk with him. At least this time they didn't name a demo after us. That was a little too weird for my tastes.
Without thinking I take another sip from the bottle in my hand. With my body weight it doesn't take much to get me drunk. I really should be careful and keep track of how much I've had. Die has already gotten up to get himself another one. Funny how I invited him over to help me learn guitar yet all he seems to be doing is raiding my fridge.
The pizza does look awfully tempting right now. One slice really won't hurt me. But I've been doing so well as far as staying healthy. I feel like if I make one little mistake the entire plan go go to waste. In the end I end up leaving the pizza where it is.
Die pushes a fourth slice past his lips. He's hardly said anyting to me since he got here. He could at least make himself useful by entertaining me. A song and dance number might be nice. I finish off the last of my drink and take Die's empty bottle as well when I go into the kitchen. I leave the bottle by the sink for recycling. When I turn around Die is standing right there. He's making me feel nurvous all over again.
Forcefully he pushes me against the countertop and presses his moist lips to mine. I'm not sure if I should push him off or bite his lip or what. This doesn't feel right to me. I'm not supposed to like Die in this way because everyone expects me to like Die in this way. I will not be dictated by my image.
I'm pinned between his body and the white countertop. I feel helpless and trapped like an animal but something in my head tells me to let this continue. His tounge passes between my pressed lips and I relax a bit. Without thinking I let my hands follow the form of his chest. One voice tells me I should be enjoying this but the other is scared and lost. Two beers are not enough to get Die drunk but one is enough to make me tipsy. I already know which voice is going to win.
Dispite the fact I want to reject him, I slowly push my lips back against his. It feels right and wrong at the same time. But I promised myself I wouldn't think tonight. I wasn't thinking when I invited him and I'm not thinking now. But at the same time I refuse to let my image take over, I don't want this to be my image, I want this to be me.
He moves away from my mouth and down to my neck. His lips are warm, I didn't realize how cold my skin was until I felt the contact of the two. We move away from the counter and he moves his hands to around my waist. He's not much taller then me now that we're both barefoot. I'm unsure about what to do with my hands. I end up resting them on his arms. He stops for a moment and looks up at me.
"This isn't why you invited me over, is it?"
The words sound so matter of fact I'm not quite sure how to respond to them. I nod lightly not wanting to lie.
"But aren't you glad you did?"
It's always the same half sarcastic smile. He leads me like a small child by the hand into the living room. He sets me down on the floor again and picks up the pizza box. Carelessly he tosses it into the kitchen. There was still pizza left in it. I swear if it gets on my tiles he's going to have to clean it.
New Sodmy is playing a second song on the music program. It's a pretty song. I can't make out the lyrics. Kamijo always did insist on singing in that whiny voice. No one is quite sure why, I mean, its not like he doesn't have a beautiful voice when he wants to have one. Still, you can hear the emotion in his voice. Some of it is butchered English. Another concept he's yet to master.
Within moments my attention is trasfered from the tv to Die who is now hovering over me. He touches my cheek as if we were long lost lovers. Not like this is something totally unexpected. Toshiya was right, he has wanted this all along.
The sound of Kamijo's voice is still present and I realize how useless words are. It doesn't matter what he's saying, its more how he says it. Maybe my attraction to Kyo. I never said it with any conviction. So manybe I never really ment it. But I promised myself I wouldn't think tonight.
Die removes his black tshirt then does the same to mine. I'm still slightly embarrassed by my body but that's worthless at this point. It's scary how easily I'm won over. A few soft kisses, a touch and I'm so willing to submit. I'm weaker then I thought.
His hands exploring my chest makes my blood turn hot then cold then warm again. I'm not sure exactly what I'm feeling. Just that I want it to end and continue at the same time. Our lips meeting again and again I'm still confused and excited. I want this.
Die brings his mouth to my ear and as if we were constantly being watched. Like there is someone else in my apartment that could hear the all importaint words he is about to utter into my receptive ear. I know how receptive I am right now. I know how willing I am to submit to his will. I know how weak this makes me seem but I can't control it. Like the child who know's they are going to be burned but thrusts their finger into the flame anyway. Butromiromised myself I wouldn't think tonight.
The song fades out and another meaningless garbble of words fills the blank air. Die pulls away from my ear without a word and streaches to hit the off button to cut off the now unwanted noise. Still the melody lingers in my mind. I want to be able to write songs like that.
Again his mouth comes within centimeters of my ear. This time the words spill forth. And I welcome them.
"You know how long I've dreamed of this?"
I barely have a moment to respond before his hands are on me again. His hands are rough from years of playing but they still feel soft and warm against my skin. Maybe I have wanted this too. I remember learning that you wouldn't say something if there was no truth in it. I wouldn't be willing to do those photoshoots with Die if I didn't want it to be reality. But I promised myself I wouldn't think tonight. So I move my mind from the philosophical and metapcal cal to something more concrete and real. The hands and lips moving over my skin, the pleasure that they are brining to my body. How much I want this. These are the real things, this is what I should be looking for.
His hands reach for the elastic on my warmup pants, or rather, under the elastic. I feel all nurvous again. I've never done anything like this with a man before. And hardly with a woman. I don't know what to expect ort I t I should be feeling, what I should be doing. I feel like I'm a small lost child. But I don't know anything about Die really when it comes to this. Perhaps he's as much of a child as I am. Part of me wants to ask him, but I don't want him to stop. I won't do anything that might force him to stop.
The warmth of his hand around me makes me quiver. I'm still so confused about what's going on. I'm so out of touch with the world surrounding me. His eyes are focused on mine now. And he's got that same silly girn on his face. But this time it's comforting.
"Shin-chan, I don't know how to say this..."
He looks as if he's about to laugh or cry. I cant' exactly tell which he's going to do first. Suddenly I become very embarrassed with my current situation. Whatever mood Die had been able to keep me in up to this point has been completely shattered. I feel dirty and cold. Out of instinct I break eye contact with him loo look to the side towards the couch. Now I feel as if I'm about to cry.
"No, Shin-chan..."
This time he actually does laugh. I pull his hand out of my pants and sit up. I just want him to leave me alone. He doesn't need to be here, he didn't need to be here in the first place. With a quick motion he brings his other hand to my chin and forces me to look back into his eyes. There are tears in mine. His are perfectly clear.
"What I wanted to say, Shin-chan, is I've never done this with a man. So if I screw it up, I'm really very sorry."
He kisses the trail my tears left across my face. Leaning me back to the carpeting he places his hand to it's former position. The sensation of his hand against me is, I don't know how to discribe it. At first it's a bit jerky but he smoothes out the motions until it flows. I want to atempt to retain some control over my body since my mind has finally betrayed me but I soon end up matching his rythm with my hips. He stops suddenly once I start thrusting. I'm not disapointed so much as confused. Everything about tonight has confused me. When you stop thinking you get confused, when you are thinking you're confused. There's no way to get around it.
Soon my pants are in a heap on the floor and again he matches my state of dress. He pulls me up into his arms. My skin is still cold and it contrasts with his warmth. Only two thin layers of fabric seperate us. I don't know if I should be thankful or frustrated by it. He craddles me in his arms and kisses my neck. We sit together like this for a few minutes. Untill my body tempature matches his. Untill I'm realxed. Untill I'm ready. He lays me back to the floor and the final barrier between us is cast away.
Even though I should be most embarrassed now I feel compeletly comfortable with Die hovering above me.
"I'm sorry Shinya, forgive me."
Slowly he enters me dry. As relaxed as I was there was no hope of me getting out of this night without pain and I willfully accept it. I can feel my fleash tearing and a dampness I know is my own blood. He really has no clue what he's doing. Even so he continues to push into me. He does take note that I am in pain and atempts to tell me some calming words. But whatever he says is blurred by the initial pain. I don't hear the words as they fly through my head. My body his harder to fool then my mind and it realizes this is an unnatural occurance. However my mind still controls my body to an extent though they continually seem to be betraying each other. My mind rejects what my body accepts and my body rejects what my mind has finally come to accept. But I promised myself I wouldn't think tonight.
He begins to pull out of me, I never expected it to hurt so much. Again he pushes back into me, unable to steady his rythm. Desperatly I try to bring his lips to mine, I need something to take my mind off the pain. I can feel his hairs brush against my skin and it makes me feel dirty. This whole thing makes me feel cheap and dirty. The pain starts to ease a bit but at the same time Die's thrusts pick up speed. My body has yet to comprehend what my mind is telling it. His hand again covers me with its warmth. Although this time there is less of a difference between the two of us. My body and mind have finally come to an agreement and I start to match Die's thrusts. Even if my mind or my body were to betray me now I wouldn't be able to change what's going to happen. What I know will happen.
It's as if every muscle in my body tenses at once. Waiting for something it's not quite sure of. My body arches to accept whatever is to come. Die's pace has become nearly blinding. As if his body has shut off that part of his mind that controls reason. He's awaiting this more then I am. The pain has long since dulled away replaced by a warmth and pleasure that my mind can't understand. My body submits.
I promised myself I wouldn't think tonight.
- 1
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As Image Dictates