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I have no control of me	By : liebesliedengel Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Insane Clown Posse Views: 1469 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Insane Clown Posse. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-I have no control of me
- 1
Title: "I Have No Control of Me"
Author: Liebeslied Engel, copyright © 2005-2006 S.E.J.
Fandom: Psychopathic Records (ICP, Twiztid, Dark Lotus, etc.)
Pairing: J/Shaggy
Category: Angsty/sweet/comforting/tragic/lovey/triggering/empowering/healing/therpay with a hint of BDSM-style aggression, just to make it interesting
Rating/Warnings: NC-17 for language and graphic depictions of sexual acts and homoeroticism. Also, pretty damn OOC, like all my fics :-P
Summary: Shaggy gives his all to heal and comfort J after a panic attack
Disclaimer: "If I didn't see it, it's not illegal!" "I know my rights, you can't prove anything!" ...In other words, this never happened... "You can't see me!"
Notes: A departure from my usual style, in terms of person (first vs. third) and tense (present vs. past). Plus, I took an interesting approach; All the external conversations are italicized, and the internal dialouge/narration's in plain text. Hope that's not too confusing. Partially inspired by an interview with Violent J and his song, "Multiple Myselves" (reading the lyrics first will give folks a clearer understanding). Originally written in September 2005. Enjoy.

Shit. Oh fuck. Not again, not now, God please. Can't fuckin' breathe. Sweatin', shakin'. Butch and Larry are fightin'. Butch fuckin' hates when this happens. Larry's just Larry, just wants it to stop, just wants to hide till it's over. Butch won't let him. He's yellin' at J, "Kill, motherfucker, just start hackin' away! You have to do it because I can't!" Larry's in the corner. He's cryin'. Butch is standin' over him, ready wit' da axe. He'll cut Larry all up to pieces then hand that weapon to J, and then all my homies on this bus will die. By my hand. By J's. Cuz fuck, they don't know the difference.

'Cept Joey. He knows me. Better than I know myself. He'll help Larry, stop Butch, get some sanity through to J. He'll save me.

Where the fuck is he?

Hey, uh, Alex?

What up?

Uh, where's Shaggs?

Fucked if I know. You alright?

No. I'm uh... I need Shaggy. Where the fuck can he hide on a fuckin' tour bus barrelin' down the freeway at the ass crack of dawn?!

Shit J, you're soakin' wet, what the fuck...?

It's uh... it's panic. I'm havin' an attack. My manager's lookin' at me like I just told him I'm the fuckin' Tooth Fairy.

Yeah. It's fuckin' hot in here. Billy-boy, open dem windows up.

That ain't gonna do shit Alex. Where the fuck is Shaggy? Where the fuck is he?!

Just make it stop, somebody please. Oh God. Too much shit goin' on, too long on the road, takin' too many hits, smokin' too much, drinkin' too much. Why did I think I could handle this? A fuckin' year! Such a fuckin' moron to think I'd be alright.

Can't do this. Feel like I'm dyin'.

Dying.

I'm goin' to Hell anyway. One more fuckin' suicide ain't gonna fill 'em up, 'specially if I'm headed there anyway. My soul ain't worth that much. Not to God. Not to me. Not to...

Where the fuck is Joey?

Yeah Fred I know, I'm gettin' desperate, lettin' Larry think for me. But, fuck, what else can I do? Alex don't believe me, won't help me, and if he ain't doin' shit ain't nobody else gonna do shit. Go the fuck back to sleep ya fuckin' braniac, I don't need this now.

Just want it to end. Just wanna be home. I can't handle this shit, tourin' and runnin' my ass ragged all over this fuckin' country where ain't nobody gonna fuckin' give a fuck about me anyway. Not even fuckin' God. Let me die, for fuck's sake. You're supposed to be so fuckin' merciful, asshole, so have mercy!

Joey. For God's sake. Get your ass out here.

I'm just gonna have a drink. Or 10. Then I'll lay down. Close my eyes. Make the world go away. Maybe He'll take me then. Gotta get to the liquor. Gotta stand. A'ight, goin' for it...

FUCK, that hurt...

Careful, J, s'a rough road! Stop. Fuckin'. LAUGHIN', fucker. You don't know what Butch can make J do if he gets riled up. Save your hide an' shut the fuck up!

Great, my fuckin' knees are bleedin' now.

I bet the floor's nice an' cold.

Just gonna rest my head on it, just for a minute...

Joey... why...

Joe? How many times have I heard that voice alone in the dark? Never again, after today...

What the fuck happened here?! Where the fuck were you stupid bitches?!" ...S'never said that before. Maybe...

Joe, look at me. ...Yes. Those blue eyes. Thank... Whoever-the-Fuck saw fit to save my sorry ass.

Aw shit... Stop the fuckin' bus! Everybody! Fuckin' off, get OFF!!! I knew he'd save me.

Can't stop here Shaggs, were in the middle of fuckin' nowhere!

I don't. Fuckin'. CARE. STOP! S'a damn good thing he's holding on ta me, I woulda slid all the way to the back o'the bus on my face, makin' me even more ugly. If that were possible.

Ya know what Captivity, fuck you too. We ain't got no skillz, we ain't gettin' no sweet neden anytime soon. If you so convinced you da shit, go fuck Fred, that pretentious bastard, and let him tell you how good you are, fuck off!

Joe, c'mon, lemme help you up. I love those hands.

Fuck son, lookit yer knees. Stay here, I'll be right back. I knew he'd take care of me.

Fuck, that antiseptic shit stings!

I know Joe, hold still, gotta get 'em bandaged too.

I know. Still hurts though.

Pussy. I love hearing him laugh. He's always got a way of puttin' me in a good mood, even through all my psycho panic shit.

Butch musta gotten fed up and left, don't hear him tearin' my nug up no more. Larry... he's wore out, sleepin'. J ain't got shit wit'out bein' told what to do, just sittin' dumb in the corner again (S'why he's the only one I let out anymore, I can control him). Wonder if Captivity took my advice.

You a'ight now homie?

Joey. Always the fuckin' light in the tunnel. Wish he lived in here too, could whip all dem fuckers into shape sos I'd have no more troubles wit'em. Gettin' there yeah. Fog is liftin'. But where the fuck were you? ...Why's he blushin'?

You were on the floor. Didn't see her leave wit' the others. But I heard Alex say your name, heard da boys laughin', so... Oh. A'course. Shut up Cap, it don't concern you. Even if he does enjoy it when we---

Right.

I'm so sorry Joe, sorry I wasn't here. I ain't ditchin' you like dat again, I swear to God...

Don't swear to Him right now, Joey. He ain't listenin'. Didn't mean to hurt ya there dog, don't gimme dat look, please.

A'ight Joe, if you say so... I swear on the Carnival then, s'at OK? How does he always know what to say?

Yeah, that's just fine.

His arm's around me, my head's on his shoulder. Been a long while since this last happened. I was just startin' to see the Carnival then, in my dreams. The others stayed away then. They'd been around before, but they left the Carnival alone. They let it happen to me, and to Joey. Haven't figured that one out yet.

A smoke. God did I need this. Calm like this feels good. Joey feels good. Shut up Cap.

Fuck, how long's he been yammerin'?

...and dem fuckers don't know what to do when this happens. You should tell 'em, Joe.

Larry's listening. Nuh uh, can't do that. Alex'd make me see a doctor. Pills ain't gonna fucking help. Mom tried dat shit back in school, remember? I slept all the fuckin' time and when I did wake up I'd have an attack cuz I never knew what day it was or what had happened while I was out or where you were or who'd hurt you this time--- Fred's tellin' me to breathe before I get fucked up again.

Joe, breathe, you're gonna fuck yourself up again. See? Always knows what to say.

Breathe in. Breathe out. In. Out. Joey's hand's on the back of my neck. I can feel his blue eyes watchin' me, concerned, a little scared. He seen me worse, but it's never easy for 'im. An' why the fuck should it be? It's Hell on me, and we're so fuckin' close... especially since...

Cap will you fuckin' SHUT UP?!!! Fuck...

I'm better again.

Good. See Joe, you can fight this. Tell Alex an' Billy an' everyone else. I'll help you, an' I won't let 'em send you to no fuckin' doctor. If I loved Joey any more...

Should let 'em all back on the bus.

You cool wit' dat? Can handle it alright?

I think I wanna lay down in the back, but yeah, send 'em on in. I head for the back, Joey up to the front. I can hear 'em talkin' real low, 'cept for Joey tellin' 'em that I'm fine, to leave me the fuck alone, he'll take care of things. Now I do close my eyes, let the world fade...

Sweet, gentle sleep...

Joe. Soft familiar whisper. Warm breath on the back of my neck. Slide over a little. I'm so glad he's here. His body's so warm against me (Cap I ain't tellin' you again...), reminds me of that night in the hotel (...a'ight Cap, I give. Pull up a chair)...

You alright?

Yeah. Why?

Cuz you shivered.

Did I? ...Nah, s'all good.

A'ight.

I can hear him breathin', his heart beatin'. Cap's gettin' excited.

I been thinkin' Joe...

Yeah?

A'ight so, you lose control when you have an attack. All dem others in yo' head be goin' nuts, fuckin' freakin' out, which gets you more freaked, an' it just goes 'round and' 'round like dat. Then you come down an' feel like shit an' dunno what to do with yo'self, so you just sleep. But you said yo'self dat sometimes sleep ain't good, fucks you up again. What if, afterwards, we always put you in a situation where you can get in control again? Fuckin' take it back, work everythin' out physically to clear yo'self mentally.

Does make some sense. He's so fuckin' smart. More'n Fred sometimes. Maybe. Could work. What'd you have in mind? There's a pause. His heart just got goin' faster.

C'mere. He's tuggin' on my arm, wantin' me to roll over an' face 'im. I do what he wants. Joey's propped up on one arm, bare-ass naked, facin' me an' breathin' hard. Cap's all over this shit.

Take me.

Damn those blue eyes.

I musta smiled, cuz he's got his tongue in my mouth, his hands workin' to undress me. It's all for you, Joe, he's whisperin'. I can't even talk, all that comes out is moanin'. Larry's worried 'bout the boys hearin' all this. Can't say I blame 'im.

Joey.

Yeah?

Gotta keep it quiet, dem boys out there wouldn't understand. He nods.

Whadda ya want? I'm dumbstruck. Ain't no one ever asked me that before. But dat's Joey for ya.

Uh... fuck, Joey, I dunno... He's smirkin' at me now. Larry wonders if he's mad.

You're not bein' aggressive Joe. Make demands, take control. You did it in dat hotel room, at first. I remember. Do like dat again.

Joey, I'm in no state for that.

You hafta, man. See, dem others think you's a weak little pussy bitch, they gotta see you bein' strong so maybe they'll think twice before they fuck with you again. Cap loves it when he gets assertive like that. It's makin' it harder for me to take the lead.

Harder. Yeah, that's about where I'm at...

...And Joey too, by the feel of it.

A'ight, let's do this. I did it before, right? It's all about helpin' myself, gotta remember. An' Joey wants it too. It's alright. Everything's gonna be fine...

He's watchin' me, waitin' to see what I say. I know he wants it, probly wants me to suck 'im. Gotta admit, always love how his face looks when I do, how much he reacts. Still strange that suckin' 'im gets me hotter'n any girl. Can't let Fred start analyzin' dis shit though, no distractions, gotta stay right here, right now. Gotta be strong, aggressive, demanding...

Joey's breathin' so hard. That man's got way too much patience. Don't wanna keep 'im waitin' too long. A'ight Cap, deep breath, let's go.

YOU -- don't get shit tonight. If it's all for me, then it fuckin' better be all me. I'ma be the laziest fuck you ever seen, and you best get workin' to get me off, else I'ma let Butch tell J what to do to ya for revenge. He looks fuckin' scared now. He seen what Butch and J can do when dey gets together plenty a'times wit' Inner City. He don't want none a'dat shit. But scared is good, means I ain't fuckin' this up.

I'm just layin' my ass down, flat on my back, my dick's up in the air like a flagpole. Joey looks like there's a fuckin' steak dinner in front of 'im, hungry. What should I do? I ain't never heard him sound so unsure before. An' fuck if it don't make me even hotter. Better tell 'im to do somethin' soon in that case.

Up on yer knees Joey, lean over me, jack me off.

Yes Sir. Holy fuck that was hot. Should call me Sir more often.

Aw shit does that feel good! God he knows just what to do, just how to touch me. An' those eyes, fuck, dey get me every time. No fuckin' wonder he gets all da neden wit' dem eyes, an' dat face... an' dat body...

Oooooohhh, shit Joey! Gotta close my eyes. It's too much right now, gettin' jacked and seein' dem baby blues starin' at me like dat. I can still hear him breathin', still hear his heart beatin', gettin' faster... like his hand, FUCK! So fuckin' good...

Joe, look at me again, please... Yeah, he needs to beg like dat more often too. OK, I can do this, it's just Joey... with his fuckin' hand around my cock, thank you Cap I was aware of that. And fuck you, ya made me lose it... Strong, aggressive, demanding...

You want me to look at you, fucker? Let's gimme somethin' worth lookin' at. I hope he knows I don't really mean it like dat, he's fuckin' beautiful... But yeah, like dat, got a hold'a his chin, he can't move his fuckin' head. Oh but look at his face...

You like dat shit, ya little bitch? Can't even talk I got such a grip on 'im. Just moanin' and' sqealin'. Yeah, dat's a good boy Joey, move dat hand faster, make me cum.

Mmph, yessir. Comes out all muffled, but still gets me goin', fuck.

Yeah, jus' a little more, little harder, c'mon Joey... Oh that's it, if he keeps moanin' like dat...

Do it Joe, please, An' now whispering and begging?

Oh fuck, Joey, I'm gonna--- Holy shit... Couldn't even finish my own sentence. Dat boy's good.

Everythin's quiet now. All the chatterin's stopped. They could all be sleepin', or just speechless. Either way, I'll take the silence.

Don't go anywhere Joey, please. Just lemme look at yer eyes a little longer...

I, uh, I s'pose I could let go a'yer jaw now. He's jus' smilin' at me, even while he pops his jaw back into place. Feel like I should apologize anyway. Joey, I--

Shhh.... His finger's pressed to my lips. Of course he knew what I was gonna say. He's cleanin' up my stomach, and still doesn't take dem blue jewels off'a me. Amazin'.

Knew ya could do it homie. See, dey's all quiet now, right?

Yeah, yeah dey are... Joey, um, you need anythin'? He knows what I mean, I can tell cuz that smile's back.

No, not a thing... A'ight, not true. Lay like you was when I came in here.

...Yeah, I get it. Can't stand lookin' at me anymore, right? Ugly pasty fat-ass, face the fuckin' corner so yer mug don't gimme nightmares. Oh God don't let Butch hear that...

I'm sorry.

He's pressed up close to me again, skin on skin, spoonin' me for Chrissakes. It's not a fire like in dat hotel, but it's real. Just what I need.

I knew he'd take care of me.
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I have no control of me