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Not for me	By : KarinVAM Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > HIM Views: 1449 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of HIM. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Not for me

The honeymoon was over.

No…. Bam was still married, and everything was fine. Great actually.
The honeymoon was over in the literal sense of….of the sentence. He was finally home after four weeks away from his home in West Chester. Their home…he meant. Their home.

That was still sounding a little weird to him. It used to be Bam’s castle. Now it was Bam’s and Missy’s castle……Hmm. Well he would get used to the sound. Like he had grown accustomed to her presence, and her face over the years.

He was a married man, finally. He had dreamed of this moment for years now.

Or….no, that wasn’t true. Then he would have married Jenn years before they had even broke up. No, it wasn’t the fact of being married.

It was the getting married part. The reason to make another television show.
The attention. The party. A reason to invite all his friends.

And it had been a party. HIM had played his favorite songs, which they had all danced to. And Ville had been there, of course. It had been a while since they had last seen each other when the wedding took place.

Bam hated to admit it, but things had changed when he got himself engaged. Between him and his friends. Between him and Ville. They had hardly spoke, or time to hang out
as they used to. It was weird, because it was almost like marrying would make all those things come to an end.

You don’t want it to, but still it seems to change a lot.

He really didn’t want that to happen.

He had dedicated six years of his life to HIM. To Ville. His music, his merchandise, his tattoos, Ville's friendship. It had been his world, literally. It was all that had occupied him, and he had never believed that would ever change. But he was wrong.

The last six months they had hardly spoken to each other, as he had been filming his show and Ville had been writing his new album. Something Ville would always call him about, or invite him to come and stay over so they could hang out and discus ….well absolutely nothing. But that was the fun part He always needed a lot of breaks while writing and Bam would always help him fill that time by coming over..

Now that was gone. They were both busy. They had grown apart. It happens. It happens all the time.

But damn does it hurt.

They wedding was over, and now there was just him and Missy, left in the huge house that was now their home. It had been three days since he'd been back, and he was still waiting for the feeling of bliss of being a married man, and happiness to well… overtake him.

He was married to the woman he had known all his life. That accepted him for
who he was. He got what he wanted. But still something was off.

Every time he was alone, every time he closed his eyes, one moment came back to him. A moment at the wedding. And no, it wasn’t the moment they had exchanged their vows, or when he had kissed his brand new wife.

God forbid, it wasn’t even their wedding night they had spend together in the beautiful suite
of the hotel they had booked for the rest of the night.

It was…..god even thinking about it was hard. It had been that whole night, and it had been his whole honeymoon. It almost made him angry, blaming the person in question who gave him this moment. But the fact he could never blame him for anything, frustrated him even more.

Why could he hurt him so easily? Confuse him by the smallest gesture, and
make him downright miserable?

It had been Ville, coming up to him during the party, after the ceremony. Beer in his hand, but not looking like he was enjoying himself. Walking up to him with such speed he only noticed him the second he was right in front of him.

He hadn’t even seen his face, as Ville pulled him into a tight hug, whispering a broken “Congratulations Bam Bam.” Into his ear. His voice had shook a little. It seemed sad almost.

Than he had felt Ville’s soft lips kissing his temple quickly before he had let him go, turned around and walked from him. He hadn’t been able to see his face, it had all gone so quick.

He hadn’t even been able to return the hug. He had just stood there. Hoping to catch Ville later on. Just to make the stone that lay on his stomach disappear by knowing his dear friend was still his friend. That nothing had changed between them, knowing that was already the case long before today.

Still, he had hoped things hadn’t.

But he hadn’t seen him since. Hadn’t talked to him either. He really needed to call, but he was afraid they had really nothing to say to each other.

Why it bothered him so much, he didn’t know. Ville was his friend. Things changed, but he would always be his friend. They would hang out less than before but….nothing drastic…right? Why was it such a big deal?

Why was it all he could think about?

Standing in the kitchen, he poured himself a glass of water, gulping it down, hoping it would drown his feelings. Not that he had relied on it working, since alcohol couldn’t even do that anymore these days.

His mind was upstairs. It had been upstairs from the moment he'd been back.

To the room Ville had stayed in when he had spent the night of the wedding
in the castle. Flying back to Finland the next day.

He had only spent one night here, and still he wanted to see the room. Hoping it would give him something to ease his pain. He couldn’t explain it, nor why it hurt like this.Nor what really caused the hurt.

But for the first time in days he found the strength to go upstairs, today, and go to his
room. He was scared, afraid he would find something that would on increase
his ache, but also hopeful to find something that would cure it.

If only Ville had left him a note, saying he would always be here. That would be enough.
That he was going to call him. That he would be his friend forever.

Opening the door, he picked up his scent immediately. The room was simply bathing in it, and Bam tried to ignore it as much as possible. The effect such a tiny thing had on him, made him feel more confused and frightened than ever. Now Ville and him were drifting apart, he was afraid of his own feeling.

The lyrics of one of Ville’s songs popped up in his head, and he smiled despite everything he felt.

‘Please don’t let it go. If you won’t let it….I won’t let it go.’

But the bed was neatly made, and no objects were left behind. It was empty.

Bam wondered if that should make him feel better or worse, but he simply did not know.

Sitting on the bed, he sighed, noticing the trashcan from the corner of his eye. Filled with beer bottles, cigarette buds and paper.
Ville left something behind after all.

None of the things were strange. Not even the paper, since Ville lived for his writing, and was doing it as often as he could. Never showing it to Bam, even when he had pleaded him. Like he had the night they had spent together in the hotel during the making of Buried alive by love.

Those days seemed so far gone.

Ville would write, crumple the paper….never rip it, but crumple it into a little ball, and throw it away. It would never take long before the trashcan was filled with paper, never to be looked at again.

Now, there was only one piece of paper. One ball, at the bottom, and Bam couldn't resist reaching for it, picking it up, and unfolding it while sitting on the bed. Hands trembling slightly, knowing he was breaking one of Ville’s rules.

Eyes sliding over the paper, Bam noticed it was a poem. Or a song without the music. And even though his name was nowhere in it, he knew…

He knew….

It was for him.

Not For Me

My eyes burn when I think of you
The icy shivers match my heart
I could never see how blessed I was
Till your loss ripped my word apart

Picking up my line of life
It is just too much to take
Moving on like all is well
While feeling my heart slowly break

Your love was something I denied
My pride caused I could not see
All the comfort that you gave
Until you slipped away from me

I can still feel your burning gaze
Cause every night it’s burning me
I cry for all our wasted time.
I guess your love, just wasn’t meant for me.

He knew then, he had made a mistake.

Ok, probably more to this. I want to dedicate it to my wonderful soulmate Punksbitch! Without her, I would neever have posted this! And without her, their wouldn't be another chapter!
Please review! Much love *blows a kiss*
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Not for me