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death by broken heart	By : dirusninjou Category: Dir en grey > General Views: 871 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-death by broken heart
- 1
Disclaimer: I do not own, know, or otherwise have any connection to the people featured in this text. This is entirely a work of fiction, and I am receiving no payment or profit for it’s production/completion. Do not regard any of the following to be fact, for there is no basis of fact used in it’s creation.

On with the fic..!

“Death by Broken Heart”
By: Ninjou
Featuring: Dir en grey
Couple: Die/Toshiya, Die/Kaoru, Kaoru/Shinya
Warnings: self-mutilation, language, implied non-con, implied alcohol abuse, violence, death-fic, angst, RPS, one-shot

To Whom It Concerns:

I’ve tried for so long to find a way out. Out of my mind, out of this situation, out of this sickness… even out of this life, if I could manage. I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this, but it seems I have no other choice. It seems that there is no other way for me to become free.
Ever since he left, my life has been one fuck up after another. I can’t seem to do anything right by your standards. And everyone else blames me for him leaving. Hell, I blame myself, too. If it weren’t for me, he’d still be here. Still be making us laugh. We all know he loved doing that the most… possibly even more than life itself. It’s too late to find out for certain, but that’s beside the point.
I’m writing to you to let you know that I have decided that I, too, will be leaving. I’ve been thinking for a long time on what I should do, and have come to a decision that I think you, at least, will appreciate. If you don’t, then it will be nothing new to me. Just another example of my inability to please you.
Though, before I go, can you tell me one thing? Please? Why? Why was I always so worthless to you? Why were you always so cruel when it was just the two of us? No, not just the past couple months, but for several years now. I noticed it first after Toshiya asked me to go with him and some friends to a bar. If I remember correctly, it was just a couple weeks after he had joined. Did you think something happened between us? Well, I’ll tell you now that we only went to the bar, had a couple beers, and then went back to our respective apartments. Nothing more, nothing less. If that was a crime in your world, I’m sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am. But not for long. Soon, all my thoughts will become clear, and I will have nothing to worry about in the way of your pending visit. I know it’s only a matter of time before you show up again.
That’s another thing I’ve been wondering about… what did I do to you to deserve the almost nightly visits you bring? Was it because I loved him? ‘loved’… what am I talking about? I still do. That is why I refused to go out with you. I was never interested in you in any way more than a friend and co-worker… hell, you were like a fucking brother to me. And now in more ways than one, I guess. I’m sorry… was I not supposed to say that? Or are you even going to let anyone else see this? I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t… it’s far too incriminating for you to.
Maybe I’m just wasting my time… no… I know I am. You’re going to destroy this letter, aren’t you? In that case, I needn’t explain myself. I know you’ll be the only one to know why I did it, but you won’t tell anyone else. Not the others, not the fans, hell, not even my parents. In that case, I’m leaving a second note…. Please, make sure that everyone gets the message on it. Don’t worry, it will be short, and will contain nothing that will damage your spotless image.

My Sincerest Apologies,
“Die”, Broken Heart.

Daisuke carefully pulled the finished letter out of the notebook and set it on the table before writing the promised second letter. Tears were already falling down his face, and he knew he only had another half hour before Kaoru would show up and let himself in. Kaoru would have no choice but to let himself in, as the younger man had stopped answering the door for him about a week ago. What he wouldn’t give to be able to stay, and not have to be afraid, but he knew that Kaoru wouldn’t allow that. What he didn’t understand is why? Why after so long did he choose to take his anger of Die out on him in such a cruel and damaging way? Or, maybe that was just it… this punishment was enough to destroy the heart of the once smiling Andou Daisuke.
He frantically wiped the tears from his face as he set the pen down, and then got up from his chair. At first he stumbled a bit, but it wasn’t long before his feet and mind became re-acquainted with the all-too-familiar intoxication level. Beer bottles and cans littered the hotel room, and they had all been from this one night. He had started drinking every night in an attempt to drive Toshiya off of his mind, but it seemed that no matter how much he drank, the beautiful bassist only became more and more persistent to stay. Die hated himself more than anything, and no matter how much his friends tried to tell the guitarist that it wasn’t his fault, he knew that they were lying. They would hold him close in the beginning and tell him that it was ok, and that he could have done nothing to stop it, but he knew they were lying then, just as they lied now with their begging him to eat something because they didn’t want to lose him, too.
Carefully, his feet led Die to the bed, where he lay down and pulled his knife out from under his pillow. This seemed to be the most efficient hiding place for it, as no one else would see it if they came to see him, or pretend to care, and he could easily reach it when he needed it. He had gotten to the point now that if he didn’t use it at least five times a day, he felt sickened with himself. The alcohol wasn’t helping with that problem, either. He slowly pushed the cold, bloody blade to his arm and made an incision, watching the deep crimson red substance which kept him alive rise out and fall down along his pale skin. The strong contrast of colors seemed to entrance him, and suddenly he understood why Kyo did this every night at lives. He figured it was also largely due to the extreme since of relief that comes with the loss of one’s own blood. Well, whatever it was, it wouldn’t be happening again. And hadn’t happened in a long time. ‘Not since Toshiya…’ Die didn’t finish that thought. He knew that if he did, he would have to stay there to endure another of Kaoru’s visits.
He had already tried everything shy of telling anyone about what was going on. He knew that if he did that, things would only get worse for him and no one would believe him, even if he did say something. He would just be another one of those people looking for more publicity and at the cost of one of their “best friends”. He had all but stopped eating, and was drinking more than a case of beer a day. This, at least, numbed the pain that Kaoru brought him at night. Another tear ran down Die’s face at the thought of Kaoru taking him in his arms tonight… of the older man further destroying his body, even after his spirit were long gone. After all, he seemed the type. Ruthless, and without care for anyone, even the… Die couldn’t bring himself to even think of the word. He knew that if he did, then he would be forgotten by those who he believed still cared…. His family might even erase him from their memories.
Die’s mind quickly snapped back to reality… back to the small hotel room he was in… and back to the task still incomplete. He let his eyes drift to a clock…. 11:28…. Great, this meant that he only had two minutes to leave. Kaoru would be here after that… and would not be going back to his shared hotel room until about 5:30…. Pity Shinya never woke up before six. ‘No, not pity… just more of my bad luck. I guess bad luck is only there for the guilty, ne?’ Die turned his arm so that the veins on his wrist were exposed to him. With one more heavy sigh, Die ran his knife over the blue lines, going both across and straight down. He dropped the knife, for a combination of shock and pain.
He had heard Kaoru’s footsteps going through the hall, and then stopping on the other side of the door.

*POV change*

Kaoru walked the all too familiar path to Die's room, the fight with Shinya still ringing loud in his ears. He had never meant to hurt the drummer… then again, he had never meant to be in the current situation with Die, either. How was he supposed to know that it would go this far? ‘Shinya should know better than to think that I planned this… hell, that I planned ANY of this..!’ Kaoru sighed, the look of pain on Shinya’s face was almost unbearable… it made Kaoru feel guilty and the guitarist was certain the younger man now blamed him for Die’s loss of apatite over the last several weeks. ‘That is NOT my fault… I know it isn’t. I’m one of the people trying to get him eating again.’ Kaoru paused outside the younger man’s room and sighed again. He knew Shinya was right. He needed to stop things with Die before it was too late. The last thing anyone wanted was to lose Die the same way they had lost Toshiya. Kaoru lifted his hand to knock on the door, but let it fall again, as he knew that the other man would not answer the door… even if Kaoru really was there to apologize.
His hand unconsciously went to the doorknob, and Kaoru’s heart began to pound harder and slower at the same time. A new feeling swelled in the guitarist… a feeling that he normally didn’t get when he came to Die’s room… a feeling of fear. Something didn’t seem right, and everything was far too quiet… he couldn’t even hear the roar of vehicles that had been present only seconds before. Quickly, the feeling of dread washing over him, Kaoru opened the door and was in the small hotel room facing the bed, and Die… but, what got to him the most, was that Die was laying on the bed bleeding from both his arm, and his chest.
Kaoru quickly ran to Die’s side, and pulled the bloodied knife from his quickly cooling fingers.
“Die? Die? Daisuke, look at me! Wake up!” Die heard the sound of Kaoru’s voice, and slowly opened his eyes, turning them to the older man.
“I have died, but… maybe… may—“ Daisuke was finding difficult to speak, but he kept trying, despite the look of pain and protest on the other’s face. “Maybe this time… I’ll stay dead…. Maybe this time… I can be with Toshiya again…..” the small man’s eyes slowly began to roll up, and Kaoru, in a state of panic, began gently slapping him in an attempt to keep him awake.
“NO! Daisuke, stay with us! We need you… more than you think. You can’t do this to us! You can’t do this..!” Kaoru could hear his voice cracking and feel the tears running down his face, but he had to keep talking and he had to try and get to a phone…. He had to try and save Die from this fate.
“You’re right… I can’t… I can’t be with Toshiya again…. he is too far from my reach…. I don’t deserve to see him… not after what I did to him.” Die said, and the look on his face was enough to break Kaoru to pieces. He was certain that he was at more fault for this than the other man was letting on. That’s when he noticed that the blood on the other’s shirt seemed to have a pattern to it. Quickly, he began to rip the thin cloth off. What he saw then would forever be burned into his memory. Die had carved words into his anorexic chest.
“hungry and willing to eat are different”… the words burned themselves into Kaoru’s mind, and tore at his heart. He had no doubt in his mind that this was because of him. Die suddenly reached up and grabbed Kaoru by the collar of his shirt, pulling himself up.
“Tell me… are you proud now? Have I finally done something right?” Die asked, his own tears falling down his face. He was all but completely sober now, and really did not want to go, but if it would make Kaoru happy, then he would. Kaoru shook his head slowly.
“How could you think that THIS is what I wanted?” he asked quietly, seeing the fear wash over Die’s face. Kaoru knew it was too late now to save the younger man, but Die didn’t. Die knew now only that Kaoru wasn’t making an effort to help him live.
“Kaoru, I don’t want to die… I don’t want to…. I… I … help me, please?” Die asked, gasping for air. Kaoru didn’t know how he was going to tell the younger man that it was too late. In fact, he didn’t know if he could. So, he just sat there, staring at one of his best friends bleeding to death on the small hotel bed. Slowly, Die’s hand loosened on his shirt. Kaoru watched as the once red-haired guitarist turned his eyes to the window that overlooked the street below, and a smile slowly formed on his lips. A smile that was truly genuine. The kind of smile that hadn’t been seen since Toshiya died. And then, he heard the name.
“Toshiya… you came back? Why?”

3 days later….

Kyo, Kaoru, and Shinya had officially announced the retirement of Dir en grey. Shinya and Kyo had taken to protecting Kaoru after he told them what had happened, not only in the hotel room, but also over all the years that the band was together. They had been given the pictures that the police had taken for their own records, and all three were shocked at what they saw on the walls. Kaoru hadn’t even noticed the walls were standing due to the shock, so it came as quite a surprise to him as well. Several messages were written in Die’s blood on the walls, windows and even on the door. The wordings differed from such things as: ‘soon I’ll leave too’, ‘when will I fly to you?’, ‘my broken heart has long since stopped beating, but when will it stop bleeding?’, ‘please come back’, ‘I’ll never leave them, but I will be with you soon’, and several others of the like. Kaoru had decided to show Kyo and Shinya both of the letters that Die had left behind, and told them everything that he had experienced in the room with Die in his last moments. It was Shinya who decided that Daisuke’s mother needn’t know of the second letter… the letter that was written to Kaoru. The letter that her son wrote, knowing only one person would see it. It was bad enough that she and her husband had to bury their son, and the last thing either of the three men wanted was to bring more grief to the couple. They agreed that the full reasoning behind Die’s death would stay between them.
They had lay the guitarist to rest next to Toshiya, the man he loved more than life itself… and the one who may have saved his life. Shinya and Kyo gently placed their hands on Kaoru’s shoulders, and slowly pulled him from the site of the graves. It was starting to get late, and they had been there since morning. Kaoru, who hadn’t even slept the night before was in severe need of sleep, and they made their ways back to the apartment that they were now sharing for the sake of keeping eyes on each other.
As they pulled out from the cemetery, a truck ran a stop light and plowed into their small car at 70 mph. Kaoru and Kyo were killed instantly. Shinya died several hours later in the hospital. There had been nothing that the doctors would have been able to do to save any of them.

2 days later….

Five marble headstones now fully encircle the cherry blossom tree where the band had been lay to rest.
Hara “Toshiya” Toshimasa, loved by all, forgotten by none.
Andou “Die” Daisuke, the broken heart, finally healed.
Niikura Kaoru, strong from the first day to the last.
Nishimura “Kyo” Tooru, your voice touched many hearts, you’ll not be forgotten easily.
Terachi Shinya, a kind person and listener who will be dearly missed.

Five ghostly figures turned from the stones and began to walk toward the park. All of the them went with their arms linked together, smiling as the shortest one in the middle began to sing a soft song of love re-united.

owari.
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death by broken heart