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Fucking Monologue	By : xtaleenmethane Category: > Kaoru/Toshiya Views: 977 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Fucking Monologue
- 1
Staring at the ceiling can be considered as one of my pastimes.

Not that it’s a favorite thing for me to do, rather it’s something that came out as a habit on days when I idle my time away. I almost always end up lying in bed, with a beer or a shot of tequila on my side table, and a cigarette precariously balancing in between my fingers. A habit that I can do without but cannot seem to avoid. I am seriously taking into consideration an activity that I can learn or take part in when I am on my day off. Something that could take my mind off of the band and more importantly, Kaoru.
He’s one more dangerous habit I picked up whenever I’m on my own. He keeps popping into my mind and does everything from jumping over fences and crawling in between my sheets. The man has successfully infiltrated my subconscious and to top it all off, he’s not even aware of it. His physical presence bothers me but his absence makes me want him even more. It’s a confliction that often dumbfounds me and makes me squirm from utter mortification. It came to a point when I realized that all these Kaoru-fixation only meant one thing. And if my memory serves me correctly, I nearly hurled myself off my balcony for allowing myself to overstep the boundaries.
I, Hara Toshimasa, am infatuated with Kaoru.
It was one of those moments that hits you like a truck going at killer speeds. It smashes into you, takes your breath away, and sends you flying into an abyss of questions and bloody brain matter. And if you think the initial hit was bad, the aftershock will just kill you. The pain and realization comes barging into your mind at twice the speed without giving you a chance to catch your breath. And finally, you are reduced to writhing pile of broken bones and shaky emotions.
I, Hara Toshimasa, am a fool.
A fool in so many levels that I, from out of the blue, invited Kaoru over for some tea. I haven’t seen him in almost a week and I feel like a heroine-junkie, shaky and agitated from the lack of my drug of choice. All of a sudden, I had this need to be around him—to see him, smell him, feel him, and maybe, taste him. A fool does what a fool do. So, I called him up yesterday night just to say hello but, I ended up inviting him over. I don’t know how I did it but all I can remember was him saying, “Sure. I could use some company. I’ll come right over.”
And as easy as that, Niikura Kaoru has agreed to spend some time with me—band mate of his who’s secretly fanboying him.
It’s really sickening to think that I’m a Kaoru-fanboy but when I think about it, I’ve always admired him. I’ve always wanted to be like him. Fast and slick, suave and sophisticated. What I wouldn’t do to be in his shoes—to be in his pants. I know that I can only do so much as a person and as a musician, and I know that the others agree as well. Kaoru has an unwavering air of authority around him that automatically reaps respect. I do not have that. If I can’t be him, I might as well settle for being with him.
They’ve always known me as a straightforward person, someone who wears his emotions at his sleeves. If I want to cry, I will. If I want to shout, I will. And if I want to say that ‘I love you’, I will. I can’t keep this inside of me. I am not a trash bin of emotions waiting to overflow with unrequited love and unsaid thoughts. I’d rather get it over with than to let it rot with time.
I am not asking for anything but I am hoping for something. Whichever way the evening ends, this would just be another hurdle I have successfully conquered.
The sound of the doorbell stirs me away from my reverie. I quickly stub out the half-finished cigarette on my ashtray and got up from the bed. Just before leaving the room, I stopped in front of my full-length mirror and fixed myself. I walk out the room and into the living room, heart racing much faster than my feet could carry me. I reach the door, took a deep breath and opened it.
“What took you so long?” Kaoru asked as I let him into my apartment. A man of very little vanity, he stood in front of me wearing one his ugly, oversized, black T-shirts, a pair of faded and scruffy jeans, and his favorite pair of red Chuck Taylors. He smiled at me then held up a six-pack of his favorite beer.
Well, I’m not really a big beer fan but hey, if Kaoru wants to have a round with, I’m more than willing to comply. I smiled back and moved to side so as to let him pass. “No need to take off you shoes—I don’t make room for such customs in my home,” I said when I see him bending over to remove his shoes.
He just smiled back, his perfect pearly whites flashing right at me. Just another thing that I truly admire about the man. Did I say he was not vain? I think the proper term is “obsessive-compulsive”. He had his morning and evening rituals in the bathroom and, as a testament to this, he has a pouch that contains all his toiletries. Everything from his shaving cream to his nail cutters has their own little cubbyholes—a place for everything and everything in its place. You see, he has a thing about neatness and orderliness. It sometimes scares at how much this man was willing to go just to be able to satisfy his anal fixation. Going back to his teeth. Kaoru sings Happy Birthday thrice each time he brushes his teeth. Seeing the obsessive part now? He would have a whole line of teeth-centric products from whiteners to mouthwash. Die and Kyo gets irritated whenever Kaoru does this—especially when he calls first dibs on the bathroom.
I find it cute.
Yes, I just said cute. Kaoru has been perpetually characterized as a cold, angsty, and aloof person—both in real life and fiction; but in reality, he is completely the opposite. I swear, when he’s not playing his persona for the public eye, you literally see pink, furry bunnies jumping along side as he trots—yes, trots—along his merry way, carrying his toiletry pouch full of Kaoru love.
Speaking of Kaoru love, the man just set about dismantling the six-pack from its plastic rings and placing three on either sides of the living room table. Always the mother hen, he makes sure that everybody in the band gets his fair share of everything. He doesn’t notice it but he is like the glue that keeps this band together. And I think I will be happy being by his side for the rest of my life.
“Hey Tosh, I’ll just use the bathroom okay?” he said.
“Down the hall, to the right,” I said, my hand snaking through the air as I directed him. He turned and went on his way. “I hope you don’t have your man-pouch with you!”
He laughed at the joke, waved his hands in the air, and said, “Nope, not here.” He disappeared into the hallway as the ghost of a smile lingers on my face.
I sat down the couch and pulled the three cans of beer neared me. They were nice and cold against my palm, moisture blanketing the icy metal cans. He must’ve picked this up at the convenience store around the corner. I pulled out an ashtray, a lighter, and a pack of Marlboro lights from beneath the table. I pulled a stick and lighted it. While Kaoru does his thing, I might as well do a brief rundown of my agenda.
When I called him last night, I actually wanted to tell him everything. Saying that I just wanted to say hi was a poor excuse really; I guess that’s the reason why I ended inviting him over. I think it’s about time that I open the floodgates and hope that an Ark would come sailing by and save me from the depths of humiliation.
I did not feel like this towards him in the beginning. He actually irritated me to ends and I enjoyed making-up stories with Kyo as to how we can lock him in a room or shove him out an airplane. You see, when Kaoru plays his part, he plays it all too damn well. The change is so Jeckly-and-Hyde-ish that half the time, we can’t help but hate him for being so agitated and pushy. It’s the eyeliner I tell you. Whenever he puts on that eyeliner, he means business. It makes him look more intimidating and unreachable. After all, that’s what fans like, right? A god-like being who sneers at mortality and laughs at human errors.
Our savior is the eye makeup remover. One of these days, I’m going to start stealing his eyeliners until he gives it up all together.
Where was I?
Oh yes, I didn’t like him the way that I do now. However, as time passed by, the four of us got to see who Kaoru really was. He was the only male child in the family, and by the natural order of things, he is his father-in-proxy. And he brings that to the band as well. He dotes on Kyo most because Kyo was temperamental and needed a little cooing before we can get him to do anything. He is the most prima donna amongst us and, for some weird reason, he only bends for Kaoru.
Okay, that part kinda stings—for obvious reasons.
If anybody was going to bend of Kaoru, it will have to be me.
Fuck.
Fanboy.
So yes, I’ve established that I didn’t like him in the beginning. How did I end up here, then? I took a long drag from my cigarette and blew it into the ceiling. Soon, this room will be filled with smoke considering that both me and Kaoru are muffler mouths. Well, I started liking him not only because of our shared nicotine addiction but, he just grew on me. When you work with a team, or this case, as band, you learn to depend on each other. I got magnetized to Kaoru in particular because he takes care of all us—of me. I’d bet you a thousand yen that Kaoru knows us as much as our own families do. See, a band leader’s job does not end with signing contracts and listening to our manager’s mindless rambles about Japanese rock conquering the whole world.
He basically takes the place of all the past nurturers in my life.
Maybe it’s just Kaoru but, whatever he’s doing, he’s doing it right. That’s the reason why Dir En Grey is still together up until now. A decade of music-induced memories, album sales, and drunken mishaps—all worth the blood, sweat, and tears. I’d like to say that we all contribute to this bond that we have… but Kaoru is that extra special ingredient that makes it stronger.
Le gasp!
I’m biased.
So fucking biased.
But if you ask Daisuke, Shinya, and Tooru, they’d say the same thing.
So why fall in love with Kaoru, you ask?
Yes, I admit it, I’ve fallen for him, but not in the fangirl-ish sort of way. It’s more of admiration for the man and all the things he has accomplished. I’m telling you right now that dealing with four different characters and handling a handful of staff is not easy. It sometimes gets to him and when it does, Kaoru just fucks up royally. I could remember a live that we played a couple of years ago, Kaoru had to literally kick Die and Kyo away from each other before they rip each other’s throat out before it started; Kaoru was so infuriated that during one of his guitar solos, he walked off the stage.
Yeah. He walked off the stage. He didn’t see the edge, for frying out loud. And on his way down, he hit one of the big ass speakers. He was seeing red until we got back to our hotel. Die and Kyo learned to shut up and stay put from then on—especially when Kaoru shushes them into silence.
Speaking of Kaoru. “Hey, Kaoru, what the hell are you doing in there?” There are time when we end up being scared shitless from his bathroom horrors. He takes forever to get prepared and on a couple of occasions, we thought he slipped and banged his head because he was inside the bathroom for almost two hours. I mean honestly, how long does he need to shower and shave?
I stubbed out my cigarette and reach for another one.
Oh boy. I am nowhere near ending my deliberation. I guess what I’m trying to establish is whether I should tell him or not. As they say, anytime is the right time. The only thing that holds me back is the thought of his reaction.
I’ve been with girls before, and so did he. This is basically a new ground that I’m treading on and I’m scared of slipping. I’ve dated model—who, now that I think of it, was the biggest bitch of a girlfriend I ever had—and Kaoru even admitted that he envied me because he was too short to date these kind of girls. With that, I ended up teasing him on and on about his height. It’s the typical straight man jokes that we throw at each other; especially when the fanservice got a little to steamy. I could remember the first live that we had to perform fanservice in. God only knew how uncomfortable the backstage session was.
Well, should I tell him or not?
I heard the bathroom door open and close. His footsteps then echoed in the dark hallway.
“What in god’s name did you do in there?” I asked.
“I washed up. I felt a bit dirty,” he said as he sat down right next to me. “Hey Tosh, could you get me one?”
I reached out for one of his beer cans and opened it for him. “Here you go.”
“Thanks,” he said, then he drank the beer. “So, what are we going to do now?”
“Watch television, I guess. This band break that the manager gave to us bored the hell out of me.”
“And now, you want to watch television?” Kaoru asked, his lips pulling into a smile.
I raised my eyebrow and said, “Yes, I want to watch television with you.” I grabbed the remote control and clicked the television open. The channel it opened up to was HeroTV and an anime called Beck was currently on.
“Hey, this is a nice anime,” he said. “It’s about an independent rock band trying to make it big. They featured Beat Crusaders’ song in this one.”
“You watch anime?” I asked, a bit surprised that he knows this particular show.
“Yeah. My laptop—,”
“Mr. Touch Me Not,” I interrupted.
“Yeah, Mr. Touch Me Not is filled with anime shows I copied from their original CDs. Half the time that I’m behind that thing, I’m actually watching anime,” he said, a little laugh escaping.
“You were what?!”
“Have you guys ever wondered why I wear earphones when I’m “typing a document”,” he said, his hands drawing quotation marks in the air.
“You said they were noise-minimization headsets… so you can concentrate,” I said.
“And it has a cord connected to the laptop. Oh my god, I can’t believe I’ve fooled you guys for so long!” he said, laughter now freely escaping his lips.
“You’re nasty, you know that,” I said, laughter also finding its way out.
“Hey, I’m Leader-sama, am I not?”
“Yes you are…,” I said, feeding his egotistic derision.
“Oh, hey, I’ve watched this episode before… this one’s good,” he said, grabbing his beer again and drinking. I looked at the television, the characters were playing at a live and people were moshing right below them. It reminded me of days gone by, when we were still Indies and music was only thing that fed our souls.
I finally took one of beer cans and opened it. I took as sip as I enjoyed Kaoru’s company, hearing him comment and laugh at the scenes. From the corner of my eye, I can still see how bright his smile is. I had a feeling and it was good—I knew that it was now or never.
“Kaoru?”
“Hmm,” he answered.
“You would accept me no matter who or what I am, right?” I asked over the sound of the television.
“I’ve been with the four of your for more than a decade. I’m desensitized,” he said as he kept his eyes on the television.
“You would not shy away from me regardless of what I share or tell you, right?”
“I’ve heard far ghastly things in my lifetime, there’s nothing that you can tell me that would shock me,” he said again, laughing at a particular comic scene.
“Kaoru—I have something to tell you,” I said, a little softer this time. With the sound of the television, I bet he didn’t hear it.
Kaoru, with his ever-smiling face, looked at me. His eyes reading and burning right through me. He reached for the remote control and closed the television, the apartment quieted down all of a sudden. He looked back at me and asked, “You wanted to tell me something?”
I suddenly found the ceiling very beautiful; trying to make out the small cracks and the slight gradation of lights that illuminates it. I haphazardly placed the beer can down and knotted my fingers together as I tried to twist and squeeze my feelings out.
Suddenly, I felt cold hands touch my face; it guided my eyes back to his. His countenance is friendly, his smile is ubiquitous, and his eyes are calm. “Tosh, you can tell me anything.”
Without anymore hesitation, I opened my mouth and said, “Kaoru, I like you… I think I even love you. I’ve always admired you as a person… I’ve always wanted to be you. I guess, that feeling just morphed into something else.”
The smile faded momentarily, his eyes became blank for a couple of seconds—his brain was trying to analyze everything that I’ve said. In that small fraction of time, I’ve felt everything from happiness, to longing, to fear. And I know that Kaoru can read just as much in my eyes, as I am to his.
“Oh shit.” Great. Very articulate of me.
I, Hara Toshimasa, am scared shitless right now.
I thought the moment was not going to get any worse when all of a sudden, in a fangirl-ish act of stupidity, I hid my face behind my hands. Yes, so that way, Kaoru won’t the word “DUMB ASS” written all over my face.
“I’m sorry,” was all I can say.
A warmer pair of hands cupped my face, forcing me to shed away mine.
“I though you were crying,” Kaoru said.
Hell, like I would like to embarrass my self even more. “Why the hell would I?” I asked as I pulled my face away.
“Tosh, you always cry.”
“Whatever. This, as you can already tell, is not one of those crying moments.”
“Well, what moment is it then?” Kaoru asked.
“It’s a I-hope-the-ground-swallows-me-whole moment. That’s what it is,” I said as I took a long drink of my beer. I could see him looking at me, and now, more than ever, I wished that the ground would just step up to the plate for once and swallow me whole.
“There’s nothing to be ashamed of. If anything, I’m actually flattered that you feel that way towards me,” Kaoru said. He too took a drink of his beer, downing the remaining contents.
I look back at him, surprise evident in my eyes for the nth time, and said, “You don’t find anything wrong with it?”
“Nope.”
“Not one bit?”
“Nada,” he said, his head shaking.
“But I ju—ju—just sounded like the gayest p—person alive,” I said, stumbling over my words.
“Is there anything wrong with that?” he asked, a big smile making its appearance on his face.
I shook my head.
“Well, there you go,” he said.
“So… where are we going from here?” I asked.
“You must not wallow in any negative emotion. I will not rebuff a very good friend for something like that. And we… well, we can work things out,” he said. “We’ll work at it slowly.”
“What do you mean by that?” I asked.
The next thing he did was beyond what I expected. If it were anybody else telling me that it happened to them, I would’ve done the exact opposite of what Kaoru has done and laughed my face off for the utter ridiculousness of it all.
He went up to me, gave me another one of his big smiles, opened his arms, and said in his silly, broken English, “FANSA-BISUUUUUU!”
He reached out, kissed me, and embraced me hard. His lips lingered far longer that the acclaimed act that we were doing. I didn’t have the time or the neurons left to think about anything else.
We separated and looked at each other for a long time. Our eyes conveying what our shy and tired lips cannot.
And we started laughing. We are laughing so hard, we ended up supporting each other to keep ourselves from falling off the couch.

That Kaoru.

FANSA-BISUUUUUU!

Didn’t I tell you he runs around with those fluffy, pink bunnies all the time?
Tsk.

Additional Notes:

> I just realized how much I love writing in Toshiya’s POV.

> I tried not to make it sound fluffy.

> I failed miserably.

> By the way, the FANSA-BISUUUUUU thing that Kaoru did, that was not my idea. I’m a big fan of this fanfic entitled “Agitator” and I think the name of the author is Alex. *shrugs* I forgot. So if any of you is actually familiar with her work, you’ll know what I mean. So just crediting her for this. XP
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