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what i never wanted	By : jesikalovesyou Category: My Chemical Romance > Slash - Male/Male Views: 1130 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of My Chemical Romance. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-what i never wanted
- 1
I never wanted him to know how I felt.
I wasn’t ashamed. No. But this was my crush. My secret. My thoughts. Mine. My own. And I didn’t want to share them.
Even with him.
I liked the way I felt when he’d walk in the room.
The hitch in my breath.
The tightening in my chest.
The speeding up of my heartbeat.
I’ve known him so long, but I still got anxious and dizzy when he’d look at me or talk to me.
I’d say that I didn’t know what it is about him that attracts me to sound philosophical, but that’d be a lie.
He’s himself.
That’s what I liked. His individuality.
He wears what he wants. He listens to what he wants. He just likes what he likes.
I’d laugh at him sometimes, to see what he’d do.
When he’d come out of the bunk area with his shirts on inside out listening to some crappy punk band, I’d laugh.
Every time, he’d tell me to “shut the fuck up” and that I just wished I was cool enough to do what he does.
He’s right.
I’d love to be like him.
He’s gorgeous.
It sounds pretty shallow but it’s true.
Physically, yeah. He had an amazing jaw line. Lips. Eyebrows. God. His eyebrows always get to me. It’s like he’s always interested in what you’re saying.
His grin. The wide one he’d give when he’s so fucking happy and the world looks so fucking bright in those shiny eyes of his.
Then he laughs with that giggle. The girly one that’s emitted sometimes subconsciously. The one he tries to hide.
When he has more control, he lets out the breathy one.
Then I just smile and laugh because that’s what he does to me.
But it’s not even just physical; he knew how to carry himself. He knew what to do to make himself the most beautiful person in the world.
And He did just that.

But now I am so damn nervous because Mikey is such a cunt sometimes and he told everyone I liked him. Even though I told him not to and he promised.
Just because I stole his shoes.
He barges in the lounge area when the rest of us are eating and watching TV.
He comes in saying shit about me being a fucking fag and if I’d stop thinking about him all damn day, I’d remember that I’m not supposed to touch his fucking stuff.
And everyone fucking looks right at me and I don’t know what to say.
He’s looking at me, waiting for me to say something, to deny it or anything, so I try to play it off and tell Mikey that I don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about and if he’d stop messing with my shit, I’d stop messing with his.
I don’t think they’re convinced because my voice is shaking and my face is getting fucking red.
And then Mikey has to go make it so goddamn worse by saying, “Come off it, you talk about him all the time.”
And he looks at him and says, “Really, he so fucking in love with you.”
Now He’s looking at me smiling that wicked grin, and laughs, and says, “Right.” And he turns around back to the TV and eats. The other guys laugh softly and roll their eyes and get back to their food.
I smirk at Mikey because they don’t believe him and I’m safe. And he’s all mad for a second before he dashes back to my bunk and gets my notebook and opens to a random page and of course, the picture’s of him and I couldn’t be more horrified when Mikey shows it to him and he sees before I can rip it away.
I yell at Mikey for being such a fuckin’ douche and I throw away the rest of my sandwich and go back to the bunks because the look that he’s giving me is fuckin’ scaring me and I want to die.
And so now I am writing in the notebook that’s filled with pictures of him and I just know that they’re talking about me in the lounge. About how they can’t have a fag in the band and how disgusting it is and I know he’s gagging at the stories Mikey’s inevitably telling him about how I’d moon over him and all my fantasies about us becoming boyfriends and getting married.
And now Mikey’s trying to get me to talk to him but I won’t open the curtain over the bunk because he’s been mean and I hate him for ruining my crush. And I won’t listen to him and I tell him so. He just huffs and tells me I’m acting like a twelve-year-old and I just put in my headphones and turn up my iPod as loud as it would go.
-----
I am so fuckin’ excited now.
I fell asleep for about an hour and Mikey and the other guys finally went to bed because I looked out my curtain and no one was there. So I snuck out to get something to drink and a snack because I was too embarrassed earlier to finish my sandwich and I was hungry. I got a nutri-grain bar and a water and went back to the bunk to go back to sleep because it was twelve o’clock and we had things to do today.
I laid back and though about him even though I didn’t want to because it was tainted but I still liked him no matter what Mikey did.
I was lost in thought… just thinking about random things like his eyes and his mouth, and someone knocked on the metal bunk and it pretty much scared me shitless because I totally thought it was an axe murder ‘cause no one in my band would be up at a time like that.
It was him and although I was glad it wasn’t an axe murder, I didn’t want it to be him.
Then he asked me if he could get in my bunk with me “to talk, you know,” and I didn’t want to say yes at first because I was afraid that he’d bring up what happened and crush my crush but I said yeah because I thought maybe I was wrong and he just wanted to chat because we’re both awake and, yeah, we haven’t really talked in forever.
So, I let him in and he sat about a foot from me.
I was so nervous.
Then he smiled and laughed his breathy laugh and asked how things are going and I tell him good even though it was obvious that I was embarrassed but he just said cool and smiled again.
I finally just blurt out, “Why are you here?” and then my face went red and he acted all fidgety and said that he wanted to talk to me about what Mikey said and my notebook.
He just looked at me and I didn’t say anything because if I did, the words “Mikey wasn’t lying. I really, really like you,” would’ve blurted out and then I would die because worse than him finding it out from Mikey is him hearing it straight from me.
But he just smiled and asked to see my notebook.
And I let him.
I let him because he’s so gorgeous and he just does that to me.
He started flipping through the pages, passing over the text which is good because all I wrote anything thing that could be dangerous in the hands of Mikey.
He flipped to a page of him.
A drawing I did.
And he sat quietly. He didn’t say anything for a minute or two and it killed me because I wanted him to talk and get it over with if either of us were leaving the band.
He just looked up at me, smiling, and told me that it’s very good and when did I do it?
I just shrugged and mumbled that I don’t remember and picked at my pajama pants.
He looked at me for a second but I wouldn’t make eye contact so he started flipping through the pages of drawings.
The drawings of him.
And I wanted to know what he was thinking but I didn’t want to ask because I was still kinda shaky and I’m sure my voice would’ve cracked if I had tried to talk.
Then he stopped at the one Mikey showed him and it is one of the worst ones that he could’ve seen because one of the only ones that I dared to draw with both of us. And I wanted to cry right then because I didn’t know what he’d do when he looked closer at the picture and realized that it was us kissing.
I wanted to stab myself in the face for daring to draw a picture like that when we live so close together and anyone could find it.
But he didn’t do anything except stare at it and I figured that he was about to blow up in any second and I hoped that he would talk soon because I might explode.
He just flipped the notebook closed and looked at me.
He finally spoke and asked me why I drew them and I mumbled something about him being gorgeous and his eyebrows being the most amazing that I’ve ever seen. He laughed the breathy one and I tried not to smile because I knew that if I did then my face would twitch from being so anxious and worried.
But I couldn’t help it.
Because that’s what he does to me.
He smiled bigger and started being cocky by telling me that I shouldn’t waste my time and talent, wasn’t I supposed to be working on a comic book?
I told him that if he’d grow out his hair and dye it blond like Christina Aguilera and somehow obtain a uni-brow, then I’d stop drawing him. He just replied with, “anything to save your art,” and for the first time since Mikey told him, I felt comfortable.
Then he finally asked me if Mikey was lying and I didn’t want to, but I told him no and that I really did like him and he smiled really big and said, “that’s cool,” and told me that I was a douche bag because I couldn’t tell him myself.
And he said that he had to go to bed because he was really tired and good night and he hoped that I could get up and eat breakfast before the other guys got up tomorrow so we could talk. I told him sure and said goodnight back.
He got out and waved and went back to his bunk.
But I didn’t want to sleep yet until I had written everything down because I didn’t want to forget.
I am so happy now because he didn’t act disgusted and even if nothing happens at all, we’ll still be friends.
So I am going to sleep so I can get up with him so we can talk again.
I don’t think I can sleep.
-----
I did go to sleep last night after all but not for very long.
I got up this morning and I read what I wrote last night and now I am so fucking excited.
It’s only 5:00 and he’s still asleep but I don’t wanna wake him up so I’m just gonna sit here until he gets up.
-----
Wow. There are few words to describe today.
Wow is one of them.
Okay, starts where I left off this morning.
I get some guts from god knows where and I go to get some coffee and then I go to the top head of his bunk and I sit on the floor. He looked all peaceful and his legs and arms were everywhere. I laughed really softly because he looked so wild.
I was cute though.
I just sat there, thinking about how pretty his face is and I turned toward the wall and I kept fantasizing about us together.
“Whatcha’ thinkin’ about?” was whispered right next to my ear and I almost died. He giggles his girly-fucking-giggle and it makes me laugh. I wanted to joke around and say something like I was thinking about him naked but he just found out that I like him and that’d be awkward. So I just say “Nothin’”.
He smiled and asked why I didn’t wake him and I just shrugged and told him that I’m not his mom. He tells me to shut up, bitch, and let’s get some breakfast. He flung off his blankets, swung his legs over the side of the bed, and stood up.
He held his hand out for me and I took it and, with his help, I stood up beside him.
We got into the “kitchen” and I started rummaging through the cabinets. I stole his cereal. He drank my coffee. I called him a bitch. He told me to kiss his ass. Then, when we were done, I sat down on the couch and he sat beside me. I got that feeling.
The anticipation.
I didn’t know what was going to happen but I was excited.
“Hey,” he said. I turned to him and he just looked at me for a minute before he said, “Why do you like me?”
My stomach burned.
I looked down and I started talking out my ass but I couldn’t stop because although I never wanted anyone to know, it felt good to tell him. I told him that he’s beautiful and that he’s himself and I like his laugh, the giggle and the breathy one, I like that every time I talked to him my stomach tightened.
He made me smile.
And then he blushed and I don’t know why, because he wasn’t the one telling his secrets. He asked me if I was ever gonna tell him if Mikey didn’t. I told him no because I liked keeping it a secret.
It really bothered me that I didn’t know what he was thinking.
Do you hate me? Was all I could think to say and he laughed and asked why I would think something like that. We’re friends right? I said I don’t know. Are we?
“Why not?”
I told him that I thought that when he found out I liked him, he’d hate me. He said, “God, why would you think that?” He told me that I was his best friend. And he’s not homophobic, didn’t I know that?
I laugh. It got really quiet.
I finally just asked him if he liked me and he said he didn’t know. He’s never liked a guy before. He paused and said that he figured if he liked a guy it’d be me.
And god, I am still smiling because of it, because after he said that, he turned to me and I looked at him and he kissed me.
HE KISSED ME.
Ahh. And I can’t get over it.
He pulled back and smiled at me. And he said that he might like me too. I couldn’t stop smiling because I was so fucking excited.
He said he had to take a shower and I told him that I had to get dressed anyways.
-----
I’m dressed now and now I’ve written it all down so I’m waiting for him to get done.
-----
Is it weird to jack off thinking about your friend? ‘Cause I’m tempted.
He just walked out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist and he’s all wet. I wonder if he’s doing it on purpose ‘cause that’s kinda cruel. He’s practically walking around naked. So, I’m trying not to look as I sit here and write but I keep looking up and he’s in his boxers now with his back to me. I like his tattoos; they’re really cool and colorful.
“Search and Destroy”
I wonder if we wrote a song about that, what’d it be like. Maybe loud and fast. A punk song like he’s into.
Maybe soft and slow and hot like him.
I don’t know.
It’s like freezing in here. I’m covered up but still, god, it is fucking cold.
I think I am gonna get some more coffee.
-----
Mikey is annoying the fuck outta me so I figure I’m gonna stay in here till we get to the hotel tonight. Our show’s tomorrow and it’s gonna be fucking awesome and I can’t wait because I am so tired of just riding around.
It’s like 11:00 and Mikey’s been consistently making comments about me and him and it’s fucking annoying. I told him to shut the fuck up or I’ll punch him in the face because I can, now that he doesn’t have glasses. Then he says that a bitch like me can’t hurt a fly and I punch him in the arm and he gets all mad and tells me not to fucking touch him again and I tell him that’s what I thought. Then he starts the same shit all over again.
And he’s watching and laughing and all the while I’m feeling like I have to defend my masculinity ‘cause I might like a guy but I’m not a girl.
I tell Mikey to take his head out of his ass and go learn to play bass and he just huffs and mumbles something about incest and he laughs and that’s when I came to my bunk and started writing.
God. Why couldn’t mom just have a girl instead of Mikey?
Scratch that, then this band wouldn’t have ever existed and I wouldn’t have ever met him.
Why couldn’t… fuck, never mind.
-----
He is sitting right across from me. On Mikey’s bed. And I wonder what he’s doing, looking at me. I was acting like I was drawing but then I figured he would ask to see the “drawing” so now I am just writing and listening to my iPod in one ear.
Okay now he’s asking me questions…
-----
I need a cigarette. Really bad, but I can’t have one right now because I ran out and everyone else is asleep except for him and Ray and Ray’s cigarette’s suck ass. And he’s on his bed listening to music really loudly and I’m in my bed and I am comfortable.
Shit.
I’m getting up and asking him.
-----
Ahhh. Fuuuck.
I am in fucking heaven.
So, I walked up to his bunk and he said “yeah?” and I asked him for a cigarette and he handed me one and I went to the lounge by the windows so the smoke won’t go through the bus while everybody’s asleep.
I heard him following me and we just sit there in silence and smoked.
He looked really tired. He sat with his feet on the bench, his arms around his legs and his head on his knees. I asked him, “so, what’s up?” and he just shrugged and said that he’d been thinking and he thinks that he should learn to draw.
I didn’t say anything about art being mostly talent not knowledge, and I asked him why. He said that he’d seen me doing it and how peaceful I looked and how I talk about it being a good stress reliever. He thought it would be a good idea.
I told him yeah, it is good for stuff like that. And he just looked away and smiled.
I sat there for a second and then asked him if it weirded him out, you know, me being gay and having a crush on him and he said he didn’t know. He said he thought about it some and yeah, so we’re guys, you know, but that shouldn’t mean anything. We shouldn’t change anything about ourselves to make other people happy. We should be true to ourselves. I told him that’s right. Exactly.
He said he thought that it was weird, the whole homophobia thing. People are people.
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what i never wanted