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In The Sun	By : TaimaMarie Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > HIM Views: 900 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of HIM. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-In The Sun
- 1
Bam sat up in his bed, pulling his knees up to his chest. There was no sleep in this night. Not for him. He knew that now. He glanced towards the body next to him. Fast asleep.
Carefully, so as not to disturb the other person, he slipped out of bed. In a moment of tenderness, he turned and pulled the covers up to the chin of the person. No point in waking up from the cold.
He crept down the stairs. The kitchen was quiet. The beer in his hand seemed to whisper a thankful hello as he pulled it out and popped the cap. He sat against a counter, swigging on the liquid, not really tasting it.
“Sometimes I think about you.” He said out loud. “I miss you. I’ll never tell you that, but I do miss you.”
Where was Ville now? What was he doing? Was he happy?

I picture you in the sun,
Wondering what went wrong.

“It just wasn’t my fault though. I couldn’t give you that…Not right now.” He looked up at the ceiling, as though the other man could hear him. No matter that they were oceans apart.
“Just not right now.”
He remembered that last day. Remembered the way he had pulled his hand away from Ville’s, remembered the way he had yelled. He remembered too, the tears that swam in those beautiful green eyes. He remembered how he had hardened his heart and turned to walk away.
Bam hated himself for doing that now.

And falling down on your knees,
Asking for sympathy.
And being caught in between,
All I wish for and all I need.

Ville was probably sleeping by now. He was probably curled up in his bed, hugging a pillow to his chest like he did when there was no one to share his bed with him. He was so beautiful when he was asleep, so innocent and peaceful.
Bam had always envied him that ability. He doubted he looked angelic even in sleep. He was always a little demon.
“I do hope you’re not alone though. You hate sleeping alone. You say it gives you bad dreams. I don’t want you to have bad dreams.” Bam began picking at the paper label on the glass bottle in his hand.
“I don’t want you to have a bad anything.”

I picture you fast asleep,
The night that comes,
You can’t keep away.
May God’s love be with you always.
May God’s love be with you.

He knew that if he could see the singer again, this wouldn’t keep going. He knew this would end. One look into those green eyes and he would take back everything he said.
If Ville would let him, anyway.
None of this was the Finnish man’s fault. This was all on Bam. He couldn’t stand to realize the truth about him. About Ville. About them together. It just…It didn’t fit.
He just didn’t feel like that. He and Ville were buddies, nothing else. Sometimes they fell asleep together, but didn’t that happen to everyone? Sometimes his chest got a fluttery feeling in it when he looked at Ville that he never got with Missy but…
He didn’t love Ville.
Did he?

I know I would apologize,
If I could see your eyes.
‘Cause when you show me myself,
You know I became someone else.
‘Cause I’ve been caught in between,
All I wish for and all I need.

Bam ran his fingers through his hair.
Yes, he did love Ville. He knew that the second he walked away from the man. It was a second too late though.
He couldn’t turn around after all the things he said. Couldn’t turn around and try to explain. He just couldn’t admit that he was wrong.
So across the ocean, hopefully, Ville was curled up in bed with someone who could admit when they were wrong. He was probably lying with someone who loved him, someone who needed him.
Although no one could ever love him as much as Bam did. No one could ever need him that much. The ache in Bam’s heart would not go away. No matter how much he drank, no matter what he did, it was still there. There seemed to be nothing he could do about it.

I picture you fast asleep,
The night that comes, you can’t keep away.
May God’s love be with you, always.
May God’s love be with you.

He put his empty bottle down on the counter and went to look out the window. He stared out into the dark, endless night, his arms crossed over his chest. Missy was upstairs, sleeping in their bed.
Bam knew he belonged up there, knew he should be laying with here. But his heart just wasn’t in it. He loved Missy, of course he did. But he knew now it was more of a very good friend sort of love. He would die before he let someone hurt her.
Though that someone would probably be himself.
There was no way he could keep up this charade forever. There was no way he wanted to put them both through that. Bam sighed as he leaned his head against the cool glass of the window.

If I found,
If I find my way.
How much will I find?
You, you.
I’ll find you, you.

Bam started to pace the cool tile of the kitchen. He felt tears stinging his eyes, for reasons he couldn’t understand. The arms crossed protectively soon seemed to feel more like a hug.
“I am so sorry.” He whispered. “I wish I could make you understand that.” His eyes fell on his cell phone, left on the counter when he’d come down to get a last drink of water before going to bed.
“Would you even answer the phone if called you? Could you just make all this go away? You always could before.”

I don’t know anymore,
What it’s for.
I’m not even sure.
If there is anyone who is in the sun,
Could you help me to understand?

He picked up the phone and held it in both hands, like a rosary while saying a prayer. He tilted his head back. Since he walked away that day, he let himself cry. He let the tears slide down his cheeks.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, Bam knew this was really pathetic. Crying alone in your kitchen in the middle of the night because you missed your best friend (yes, yes, we’ll stay with that title for now). Had he suddenly turned into a woman?
Bam opened the phone, his finger hovering above the button to open his phone book, where he would easily find the long distance number to reach him. Would he answer? Or would Ville recognize the number and let it go to voicemail? What if he had been blocked?
“I guess I won’t know until I try.”

‘Cause I’ve been caught in between,
All I wish and all I need.
Maybe I’m not even sure,
What it’s for anymore than me.

With trembling fingers, he pressed the buttons, found Ville’s number and hit ‘Call’. He held the phone to his ear, biting down on his lip, hoping, praying that it would be answered.
And hopefully not by a voice his did not know. He counted the rings. On the fifth one, they stopped.
“Hei?” a sleep voice asked. Bam’s heart stopped in his chest. He’d know that voice anywhere. He couldn’t make his mouth open to respond.
“Hello?” English now.

May God’s love be with you, always.
May God’s love be with you, always.
May God’s love be with you, always.
May God’s love be with you…

“V-Ville?” he stammered out.
“Bam?” the person at the other end seemed more awake now. “What are you doing calling me?” Oh, God, was he mad?
“I just needed to hear your voice.”
“I see,”
“And there’s something I have to tell you?”
“What, sweetheart?” he seemed to be able to hear the tears in Bam’s voice. “What is it that you need to tell me?”

‘Cause if I found,
If I found my way.
How much would I find?

“I was wrong.”
Crackling silence. Then the sound of a lighter being flicked on. A deep inhale, a deep exhale.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.” He swallowed. “Ville?”
“Yes, Bam?”
“I love you.”
“I know. I love you, too.” The ache in his chest seemed to ease a little bit.

If I found,
If I found my way.
How much will I find?
You, you.
I’ll find you, you.
I’ll find you, you.
- 1
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In The Sun