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As I lay dying	By : Semichan Category: Dir en grey > General Views: 948 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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†. Title : As I lay dying
†. Author : Semichan
†. Genre : Yaoi …Songfic.
†. Pairing : Die x Toshiya

†. A/N : So … This is a Songfic. The lyrics are from "Kill caustic" by AFI . I love that band ^____^
Actually, was listening to Decemberunderground when I decided to write this fic , and so … When listening to one of the songs I thought I could make some fics out of it . Well I mean some fics out of the album XD So finally I picked up "kill caustic" , "kiss and control" , "endlessly she said" and some of the random words written between the lyrics in the booklet. This fic is separated in four chapters, all with different POVs. This is taking place in 2000/01, written in Toshiya's POV.
(As I said already, English is not my native tongue, so sorry for the few mistakes I might have made, or forgot correcting ^^;)

~~~~~~~

Don't speak my name .

I still can't grasp why I love him so much . Everybody told me to stop this . Everybody tells me to stop . Stop seeing him. Stop talking to him. Stop thinking of him, talking of him, loving him. I shouldn't even have a single thought for him . But I love him . So fucking much . How can't they understand that ?

So I'm feeling much worse now .

They make me sick . I can't spend a single day without them telling me something about my life . About the way I'm acting ; the things I say …. The way he acts, the things he says, does to me . But he loves me . He truly does . He says he loves me every day ! So why are they telling me to stop ? I don't get it .

- Look at you ! You… ! You cannot … We cannot perform like this ,Toshiya .

- I'm perfectly fine Shinya !

- Toshiya ! We can't accept you in such a …

- Such a what ?
- But look at yourself , Totchi …

- I'm perfectly fine !

- But …!

- A little bit of makeup and it'll be ok !

- We won't be able to cover this with a bit of Makeup Totchi …

- Then it's not a problem , It doesn't restrain me from playing bass .

- If Kaoru see you like that he'll be more than angry .

- I'd just tell him that … That I fell in the stairs !

- 'Falling' , yeah right …

- What do you want me to say ? I can't come in and say …

- That he hit you again ?

All the same, I remain the one to blame

He didn't hit me . He doesn't hit me . Not the way they all think . He loves me .
That's me , the worst of us both . Of us all . I didn't realize how much he loved me . Not soon enough .

and I'm demonized

I was always out . With friends . Never home . With him . I didn't know he was waiting for me . I didn't know he would wait the whole night for me to show up . I just thought we could be happy together , some kind of simple couple , kind of distant and free , with no reason to argue ; I so wanted it simple it became complicated . I didn't know I was in love with him . And I didn't know he really fell for me either .

Purified

I thought we were just fooling around .

Justified

But he said he loved me .

as you let yourself show

And then it all began . We became a real couple . But it wasn't easy . I suppose building a strong relationship isn't easy . But I didn't think it would be that hard .
He once asked me if I loved him. I said yes . And then he asked me why I cheated on him . I didn't think he knew about that . Really, it was a one time thing and we weren't even sleeping together when it happened . Still, we were a couple already , and maybe that's what disturbed him.

Or it may be the fact it was his best friend .

- I'm sorry …

- I can't believe you slept with kaoru !

- I'm sorry .

- why did you do that ?

- I … Don't know .

- We were together so, why ?

- I don't know …

- I love you Totchi … What did I do wrong ?

- Nothing …

- What did I do !?

- Nothing !

- So why ?

- I don't know …

I was lonely . And he didn't show any signs of loving , or even wanting me . But he was right .

What did he do wrong ?

He did nothing wrong . I was the one being wrong again . I was the one doing mistakes.

And I was rewarded for it .

So now you'll love these screams

That night he brought me to the bedroom . He carried me all the way . I didn't understand why he was acting like that . We argued for a whole week about Kaoru . And he was suddenly acting affectionately. I thought he wanted to solve the problem . And I was right .

He threw me on the bed . And he raped me .

I first tried to fight , but I quickly gave up . I first thought he hated me , but he kept on saying he loved me. I first thought it would break the one and only true relationship I had , but it didn't . All my thoughts were wrong .

He still loved me . He said he loved me . He said it before , and after . He cried .

So now you'll love these screams , what's left of me .

I didn't say a thing on my side though . I was far too shocked by what was happening, then what had happened , then when he said he loved me just after having been raping me .

I didn't know how to react . So I didn't react . I just listened to him and I fell asleep .

I remember when I woke up , I wasn't angry . I wasn't feeling anything actually . I looked at him, for hours . He was sleeping peacefully . I started kissing him on the cheek , then on the lips . He woke up and looked at me , kissed me , took me in his arms . And then we made love .

I told Shinya everything the following day . He said I was crazy . And that he was a freak. That I should leave him right now and we should kick him out of the band . We argued about it for a long time , and he even threatened to tell the others if I didn't react quickly . "Before it could happen again" as he said . But what "could happen again" ? He didn't mean to hurt me . He just wanted me to understand I did wrong . I 've been wrong .

Don't speak my name . Don't ever speak it .

- You told Shinya everything ?! Are you stupid or what ?

- But I just needed to speak to someone …

- About what ? Aren't you happy ? You're so sad and desperate
you need to speak to someone ?! Am I mean to you ?

- I never said that !

- Do you have something to complain about ?!

- Listen, I…

- No, you, listen ! I'm in love with you and you're not happy !?
I care for you, take care of you, and you're not happy !
I fuck you every night and you're not happy !?

- I never said I wasn't happy ! Shinya said I was crazy because
I had accepted what you did to me and …

- What did I do to you ?

- You … you … did nothing .

- What did I do to you he's not content with ?

- He says … He says you don't have to be violent with me .

- Am I violent with you ?

- No …

- So why did you speak to him ?

Love these screams, like I do .

And that time he yelled at me . He hit me . And he raped me . For the second time .

He didn't want any other member of the band to know . He didn't want anybody to know. Just the two of us .
If the other got to know it , it would be a shame . He said I was too dense . That I didn't understand a single thing . " You always make mistakes ." And how fucking stupid they are …

He made me understand how weak and dull I was . He said that he was trying to make me realize it . That he was doing this for my own good . This way I won't repeat my past mistakes . I needed to be punished, somehow .
Or so I thought .

Day by day he made me hate myself more than anything . I ended up cutting myself wherever I thought I should do it . Or wherever I thought it could show the world how much I hated my body .

He said so much things about my body .

One day he was worshipping it , the following he said it was ugly .

One day I was his princess, another I was a whore . Slut . Bitch .

As much as I was hating myself , I was loving him more than anything . And I still am .

He hit me a thousand times; insulted me a thousand times, raped me a thousand times; but I love him.

I don't have a single friend anymore . I haven't seen any member of my family since a whole year . I didn't get out of that room since 8 months .

Dir en grey disbanded . I again made things turn bad .

"Because of me ."

We disbanded . Because of me . And I was well aware of it . When I was out with them he would end up angry , and when I was here with him he'd end up angry also . Because I can do nothing . I'm too stupid . Too bitchy. Too pretty . So I can't think . As long as my mouth would be shut I'd be perfect . As long as I don't protest or even speak I'd be his love . "Darling" . "Honey" .

But when he's angry keeping silent is the only thing I can do . The only thing I should do . Must do . Or else it'd be worst .

Don't ever speak my name again .
Don't ever speak it

And he doesn't want me to call his name . Most of all . I used to say it without really realizing before when he'd abuse me, or yell at me , but it never stopped him. He never took pity on me . Hearing his name only fuelled his anger . And I learned it as time went by . It took me quite a time actually . I didn't understand why he didn't want me to pronounce his name . That was one of the last things I still had . His name . That was the only thing that could find his way past my lips in those moments . What else could I say ? Whisper ? Scream ? Think of ?
His name . I thought it somehow could bring him to his normal self. Calm and gentle. Nice and loving .
Caring …
But recently I just get a stressed and violent, aggressive and rough , cold lover .

But still a lover .

He would never make love to me . We would just have sex, and someway, I would never be willing . Yeah that is called rape . I know . But this is not my problem . This is not what's disturbing me .
He loves me . And I love him . We love each other . We're the only thing that matters for the other . He can't live without me . I know it . And he tells me so frequently he needs me . He would sometimes hug me for hours without saying anything . He would kiss me gently and caress my hair , my back, sooth me . Whisper me gentle and comforting things . And crying . He would cry in my arms almost every day .

I, can't cry anymore . At least I don't cry anymore . I'm used to it . Feeling him holding me , tying me , pushing into me , slapping me , or forcing himself into my mouth . I'm used to be raped . I'm used to be yelled at and I'm used to all his moods . So I'm never surprised . He always do the same things, says the same things . But I love all those things . I love everything in him . I love him so deeply . And the best is that I don't understand why . I don't understand why they all tell me to stop that relationship, but I don't understand why I don't wanna stop it even more . Yeah I must be crazy . Like shinya said to me several times . But still, I love him .

- I love you .

He didn't answer to that . He walked to the bed and laid beside me . He started crying . And it happened again . He raped me. He didn't prepare me, he never did actually , and he shoved himself into me forcefully , making me bleed ; like each time . I can't grasp why I'm still bleeding considering the number of times he did me that way .

At least I 'm glad I'm not suffering anymore . Since months already . I barely got up in 6 months . I'm in that bedroom since 8 months but I would almost always stay on the bed . And lying . Watching the ceiling in silence . Waiting for him to come back or come to me when he would be in another part of the apartment . That's why I like when he comes in that bedroom I should hate more than anything . I'm not alone ,and I'm the centre of attention . His attention . I don't mind rapes anymore . I never really did . I knew he loved me . He still does and I believe he will still do .

But I'm not sure I would do the same .

I loved him. Even when he raped me for the first time, I still loved him .
I love him . Today , from the early morning to that night , I loved him the whole day , and I would like to do so for the rest of my life . But I'm not sure I'd be able to live .

Love these screams, like I do .

I haven't seen him ever since he left last night . I tried to stand , but I couldn't . So I've called him . No one'd answered . So I screamed . I screamed his name , and called him until I couldn't speak anymore . Until no more sounds could get out of my throat . I've exhausted myself even more than I basically was . And I've lost so much blood since last night it hadn't really help my state of tiredness .
I'm to pass out . Soon I'll black out and he'll wake me in a few hours or just rape me while I'm unconscious . I don't care what he does . What he would do; what he will do … I would still have that same feeling of death surrounding me when I'll wake up .
Even if trust in him, even if I love him, I'm scared . I'm scared he would someday forget what he's doing or wouldn't realize and hurt me more than usual . Even if I don't hate him , I'm afraid I would be hurt too much one day and that I would lose what's the most important to me .

I don't want to lose him .

I know it's paradoxical . I'm scared to lose the person who could kill me . Literally . He could kill me . But I don't care . If he kills me , that would have to be for a good reason . He loves me, so he won't kill me without a reason .

Logically , he should have killed me already . I made so much mistakes before … But I don't anymore .

Now I just lay on that bed . On that bloody thing .

He never minded to wash the sheets. But he washed me each time after we had sex. Slowly, gently, caringly. And he would kiss my forehead before letting me sleep .

This time he didn't wash me though . My thighs are all covered in blood . It dried since last night but I really can't stand the feeling . I'm smelling blood . And semen . I'm feeling sick. I want him to walk in and tell me it's alright . I wanna hear him telling me how much he loves me . I wanna tell him I love him even more . But I'm alone . I'll have to wait . Wait for him to come back . Lying on that bed , bearing that horrible feeling of weakness for hours again .

- Please come back …

I cannot speak anymore. I barely hear my voice when I try to .

- Please …

I love him so much .

- I love you …

I wanna feel him on me . In me .

- …Daisuke .

Don't ever speak my name again .

Don't ever speak it.

Don't ever speak my name again .

Don't speak …

†. End of part #1.
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As I lay dying