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Boku no Inbai, Boku no Kodoku.	By : Semichan Category: Dir en grey > General Views: 1402 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
Title : Boku no Inbai, Boku no Kodoku.
Author : Semichan
Pairing (s) : Kaoru x Toshiya (for this chapter)

A/N : One of my longest work in progress. I started this fic quite a while ago… And well, it's not that funny (I realize I've been posting almost only fics of that kind until then lol) … Not that a fic needs to be funny basically, of course. ^^; It's written in Toshiya's POV. There is 3 chapters complete for the moment, the fourth is on his way. The first chapter is the shortest one.
Anyway, English is not my native tongue, I'm sorry for the mistakes I could've been making and/or forgot to correct ! Good reading !

Chapter~1

I never thought it could happen one day, really . I am a proper 19 old boy. To everybody . I suppose at least . Save for the fact I've no family, no friends, everything's normal .

I'm not that antisocial ,so yeah, I've got a few persons talking to me in class but somehow, I don't wanna go further than that . "Talking" , it's very much enough to keep sane , isn't it ?
So it's almost how all my days are looking like . Me smiling and chatting with people I hardly know, who're treating me like I'm the best friend they ever had . I don't like that at all .

I suppose the fact I'm fancying men isn't really helping either . I keep turning girls down all day long and it's tiring . I can't grasp why but seems that they like me . A lot . Apparently, Fate decided it wouldn't be nice to me .

Boys don't even look at me , while girls are perpetually trying to have the littlest single contact they can with me . How pathetic .
My life's a bundle of pathetic-ness . I live alone in the middle of Tokyo in a ridiculously small apartment I won't be able to pay for anymore in a few times. If I 'd believe in God, I would have think he really hated me .
Cause of course living on your own like that isn't easy . I thought I could handle it , in any way; I mean the no-friend stuff and all , but it appears that I just couldn't .

My days might be boring, but my nights aren't . They're awful .

As I've been having real big problems with money these last months, I took a rather knotty decision .
I decided selling my body .

I thought it wouldn't be that big of a deal, since I wasn't that much of a sensitive person, but I've been wrong . I discovered I was far more vulnerable than I'd thought , and I got my heart ripped a thousand times, though not out of love . I mean, I thought I would be able to have sex without feeling anything , and actually, I'm rather successful on this side, but the problem is the aftermath .

I cried so many times. And I don't even really know why . I don't understand why it hurts . So much . I suppose it's a matter of pride .

Now I'm less frequently hurting . It happens, sometimes, mostly when I would feel a little depressed . Still, I'm doing
it . I'm letting other men fuck me almost every night to earn a little cash .

I know I should stop, but I can't . It's too late trying solving a problem that has become even bigger than it initially was . Now not only I'm badly off, but I'm not concentrated in class, I got fired of this stupid part time job, I'm frequently ill and hardly can sleep at night . What a life.

~

We're now on Friday . One night and it'll be the week end . At last . Well, I say "at last" , but I might be forced to work tomorrow and the following day if I don't bring enough money tonight .

It's around midnight already, and I haven't seen a single person . Probably the cold. Really, We're the 4th of December, on a Friday … Everybody's going clubbing tonight . No need to ponder on the reason why I'm all alone . Seeing what I got this month, December isn't a good month for whores.
It's been at least 2 hours I'm standing here ,and I'm freezing . As I'm not wearing much of anything it's understandable . Stockings aren't really meant to warm you up anyway . Thanks to my coat and long hair …at least only my lower half is dead . Sadly that's what's the most important to me . I won't earn much with solely my upper-half being active .

I look around me another time , but hardly see something . Or someone, rather . There is quite a lot of cars passing by, but no one seem interested tonight . I sigh and fold my arms on my chest slowly . My hands are damn cold too . I shiver all of a sudden and hold onto me tighter . Maybe I should go home now … But I would be forced to stay the whole next night if I do that . I roll my eyes in frustration, deciding it wouldn't hurt much to stay a few more minutes . Well let's say for the next hour .

My trail of thoughts is suddenly broken as I hear a car stopping in front of me . I raise my head quickly and meet a pair of questioning eyes .
- What you doing here ?
I frown at the stupid question .
- I'm playing golf ! I answer coldly while walking to the man in the car . Well, the young man .
As he doesn't add anything , I bend my body a little to see his face correctly and speak again .
- What do you think I'm doing here, wearing a leather skirt, high heels and stockings ?
He looks at me from head to toes, apparently not knowing what to say .
- Ok, I have a question . I put my hands on my hips . What are you doing here ?
- Honestly ? He grins .
- Spit it out . I answer as coldly as I did until then. As if being alone in the middle of the night isn't boring and scary enough, the only time a guy comes here he doesn't even know what the hell I'm supposedly doing . Damn, this town is full of weirdoes .
- Actually, I made a bet with a friend of mine .
A bet . Why the hell would I care ? I sigh heavily and put one hand on the roof of his car .
- Listen Mr I-don't-know-who, I fucking don't care about your life so, either you get out of this car and we fuck, either you leave now and head home peacefully, k ?
- Kaoru .
- What ?
- I'm called Kaoru .
- But - ! Damn it , are you even listening to what I'm saying ?! This guy's really starting to get on my nerves .
- Sorry . He chuckles .
- Well … I sigh again , looking elsewhere for a second . Please, if you don't want anything from me, go away …
- How much do you want ?
I widen my eyes slightly . I didn't think he would say that at all.
- Depends on what you want .
He falls silent all of a sudden, seemingly thinking . He then looks at me, then down my chest …
- Oi ! I gesture my hand in front of his face a few times .
- Yep . Um … He lowers his glance on his knees .
- I don't have the whole night before me …
- What if I bring you home ?
- I sell my body, not myself ! I answer rather angrily . Who the hell does he think he is ?
- I don't really wanna fuck with you anyway ! He shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly . My chin suddenly threatens to fall to the ground. What-was-that ?
- Did you come to bother me or are you just really dull ? You're here, in your car in the middle of the night stopping in front of a prostitute and then what ? You're harassing them ! I exclaim throwing one arm in the air . I'm really starting to lose my calm.
- So; he almost cuts me off; if you don't wanna come with me, I'll just leave.
- Why would I come with someone I don't know ?
- But of course fucking with people you don't know isn't a problem. He answers immediately .
I freeze .
- Hurts to hear the truth, huh ? he adds coldly .
I don't look at him anymore. I can't. My eyes are now stuck to the ground and I don't know what to do . I don't know what to say .
- Come in . He offers and I don't answer .
There's a long silence taking place. I think he's letting me considering the question. What should I do ?
- Toshiya ?
- Pardon ? I raise my head in one swift movement . My eyes widen madly now . How does he …?
He smiles somehow apologetically . Without thinking anymore, I walk around the car and reach for the passenger side, entering and looking at the boy on my right . Before I can add anything, he starts driving away.

~

We're both totally silent . I don't know what he really wants from me . I don't know why I came in here . I don't know why I gave in .

Maybe the cold .

Of course not, but I've been trying to convince myself I wasn't turning crazy by multiple silly reasons since I'm sitting in this car. I sigh for the hundredth time today . My life really is a mess .
- What's going on ? Kaoru suddenly speaks again .
- I don't know .
And it's all your fault ! I think looking at the scenery outside the window .
- How old are you ?
He wants my death or what ?!
- Go fuck off .
- I'm 21 .
- And ? I turn to look at him . How would I care about his age ?
- I suppose you're not much more older than me that's all.
- You know me ? I finally ask, face still resting in my left palm . Since he'd said my name , I haven't said much of anything . I didn't really want to anyway . I'm not cold anymore , and I'm not alone. That's enough to make me somehow happy right now . Though I know I'm not showing it very much .
- Not really . He shakes his head .
- Not really ? You know my name .
There's a little silence . He keeps looking at the road in front of him, not moving at all .
- So you're doing this every night ? Or just week ends ?
- You didn't answer my question .
- is it that important ? He throws me a rather annoyed glance .
- Are we going to drive for long ? I respond .
Our conversation is a following of questions...
- We must be done in 5 or 6 minutes .
- Where are we heading to, if I may ask ?
- My apartment.
- Why do you want me to come over ?
Silence again . I wait.
- I don't really know. He eventually answers . I suppose I wasn't really expecting you to be here .
- What were you doing here in the first place If you didn't wanna screw ?
- Well, as I said earlier, Mr straightforwardness, I made a bet with a friend of mine and so , I came here .
I'm speechless for a minute or so. As I try to put two and two together with the little information I received, he speaks again.
- Suppose it's not really clear, but well, that won't interest you anyway .
- How do you know ?
- Well … he sighs .
He rather doesn't wanna tell me yeah … I roll my eyes . I don’t even know him, and I've the horrible feeling of being in the middle of a lover's quarrel . This damn 18th Friday of December 1996 definitely would stay printed in my mind .

~

We stayed silent until we arrived at his apartment . Thanks god, he was starting to get on my nerves .
- Do what you want, you can sit, make yourself some food or whatever … He says, gesturing his hands randomly while showing me various rooms, then going to his bedroom pretending to go change into more comfortable clothes .
I sigh to myself another time, deciding to go to the living and sit . Those shoes are wholly killing me . I glare at them a few seconds, then take them off . After all, who cares ?
I sit comfortably in the quite big and comfy couch , relaxing slightly . At last … I take a deep breath , closing my eyes and stretching a bit . My little relaxation session finished, I look around me, scanning the room . I then realize I maybe shouldn't be so peaceful . I'm in the living of a 21 year old guy that knows my name , but that I've never ever seen before . Where am I ?… Why did I accepted !? Oh yeah, I did because I wanted to know about the he-knows-my-name stuff . I quickly realize I haven't been acting really smartly tonight . See where a simple cold can leads you …
- Having fun ? Kaoru suddenly pops out of nowhere, in clothes not that different from what he was wearing earlier .
- On my own in the middle of a living of a person I don't know ? Not really . I answer quickly and he chuckles, coming to sit next to me . I let him a little room and take a good look at his face now we're not in the dark anymore . Well, he's quite good looking .
- What are you doing ? He asks gently and I raise my head to his, my eyes having been wandering a tad bit lower .
- I'm looking at you .
- Oh. He simply states and lights a cigarette, now watching me the same way I was doing a few seconds before .
- What an outfit ! He suddenly says, grinning .
- I won't be bringing much yen home wearing turtlenecks and jeans you know . I steal his cigarette to take a few drags then hand it back to him. He looks a bit surprised, but doesn't comment .
- Of course. I wasn't criticizing anyway .
- It doesn't look weird to you ? I ask .
- What ? He raises a brow .
- Me.
- Why would I think that ?
- Because 90% of men think that .
- I'm in the 10% left then .
- You're gay.
- I might be, yeah . He nods slightly.
- It couldn't be other way ! This is my time to grin .
- I can say the same about you . He seems a bit offended .
- The difference is, that I don't need to say it. It's obvious.
He nods in silence, and I become quiet too. After a while, I ask for a drink and he stands up, going to the kitchen .

~

It's been 2 hours or so now, that I'm at Kaoru's . We talked . I still don't know much about him but I don't really care . I still don't really know how he managed to know my name either, though the fact he's in the same college as me might have helped . Just hope the whole school doesn't know me now . If a guy I've never ever seen before knows my name and isn't really surprised of seeing me cross-dressing …
I quickly finish another glass and slowly stand, realizing I may have been drinking a bit too much. Apparently, Kaoru has seen me balancing slightly and stands too, helping me to stay up .
- Well, I think I'll go now. I mumble, grabbing my coat that was resting on my side on the couch until then .
- Where do you live ?
- Lemme think … I awkwardly put my coat on, closing my eyes as I try remembering where the hell I'm living. Damn, I really drank too much . I sigh loudly and I hear my host chuckling. What's funny ? I angrily say, turning to him. I'm too drunk to even remember the way to go home and he is -laughing- . That's cruel .
- Don't you wanna stay here for the night ? At least until you get a little bit more … Sober ? He asks calmly .
I stay silent a few seconds, then glare at him . Really, life is unfair . He drank as much as I did , and he's not the least bit drunk .
- I can go home. I'm perfectly fine ! I turn my back to him and start walking away; difficultly yes, but at least I still can walk rather straight .
As I slowly make my way to the entry door , Mr I'm-not-letting-you-in-peace-more-than-3-seconds speaks again .
- Aren't you forgetting something ? It sounds amused.
I raise an eyebrow suspiciously and turn -again- to look at him. Oops. My shoes.
I then look at my feet. Oh yeah, I forgot my shoes. I walk to him faster than I had expected and grab them .
- Thanks.
- You really shouldn't leave Toshiya …
- Mommy Kaoru is worrying for me ? I fake pout then put my hands on my hips. I said I can take care of myself !
- You're drunk !
- I know ! I suddenly exclaim. Damn, can't I do what I want without someone telling me off for once ?
Silence. He crosses his arms on his chest and shakes his head .
- You know, I'm really sorry you got drunk, and I'm sorry for having been bothering you during work and all but …
- Work ? I smile ironically . Can one really call that "work"…?
- You dare calling this shit "Working" ? Really ? I get a little bit closer to him and he backs off . Apparently, he's regretting his choice of words now.
- Do you really think I would keep on like that if I had other choices ?
- Toshi…
- You can't imagine what it's like ! You just can't !! I scream loudly, feeling my chest trembling a bit and tears forming in my eyes. I perfectly know I wouldn't have take it that bad if I wasn't drunk . I know I wouldn't be overreacting like that. I damn know. But I can't help.
Finally, after a long silence of us both, I sit on the floor in one swift movement, burying my head in my hands . How weak I must look . How weak I am …
- Toshiya … He kneels next to me and put a hand on my shoulder .
- Don't call me that ! I bat his hand away rather violently, the movement making me losing balance a bit .
- Would you stop acting bratty for a second !?
Kaoru suddenly takes hold of my shoulders, making me look at him right in the eyes. I pant a bit and try holding back sobs, barely succeeding. After a short time, his face softens considerably and he releases me. I look down shamefully. How stupid I am.
- I really should go home . I try standing up but feel a hand stopping me .
- You ain't going anywhere . He stands up and I follow, then he brings me to the couch we were previously sitting on .
- I can't stay! I half growl half moan contradicting myself by sitting nonetheless.
Kaoru sighs another time .
- What should I do to have your agreement ? He sits too .
- What ? I make a face . …What did he say ? I really should go so I can sleep as fast as possible. I'm tired .
- What can I do to have you staying here ? He looks at me with an annoyed face. I stay staring at him a bit and think of an answer. Well a proper answer .
- Ummm …
- I have an idea . He cuts me off .
- I was going to say something. I pout. Cool, I can't even give an opinion now. He's asking me things and responding at the same time !
He rolls his eyes and kneels in front of me , putting his hands on my knees. I think of kicking him right in the abs but contain myself.
- Just listen, I'm sure it's better than what you were going to say .
Isn't that underestimating ? Maybe I should kick him finally.
- What about we fuck ?
Okay, now I'll kick him .
- I'm leaving ! I try standing up, gesticulating a bit but he quickly puts his hands on my hips and holds onto me tightly.
- Wait ! Listen a bit Toshiya !
- What ? Is there really something to add ?! I say loudly, trying to escape slightly, not putting too much effort in it. I do wanna hear what he's going to say.
- I mean … He looks elsewhere for a second and I quiet down. He really looks embarrassed all of sudden.
- What ? I almost whisper now .
- What I wanted to say was that, well … If I pay you, would you stay the night ?
I look at him in utter disbelief. Not knowing what to say. At all. And then I start fidgeting. Fuck, I haven't expected that.
- How much do you want ? He asks lowly, hands now resting on my thighs .
- I don't know… I murmur, avoiding his eyes.
- Whatever you want it's fine with me.
It seems like he's trying to make me relax. Well, after all … Why not ? I quickly make up my mind and look at him.
- Okay; I just want to make some points clear then.
- Go on . He nods.
- First of all, um … I know I'm not totally sober so I might regret this tomorrow, if I ever happen to remember it, and well, if you want an entire night it'll be rather expensive, k ?
He nods again and I start wondering . Am I really going to give in ? Seems like it's what I'm currently doing … I sigh before following my speech.
- And … Well, if I happen to know one day someone else than you knows about that you can be sure you won't live much longer.
Another firm nod .
Damn, why is it that easy ?
- That's all ? He asks.
- No . I shake my head . Just one last thing .
- That is ?
- Don't kiss me.
He frowns.
- You can't kiss me, and I won't kiss you either , is that clear ?
- Well … ok.
- I'll never do that . Everything you want, but that.
- Ok.
He seems a bit perplex , but well, he's agreed. He looks at me, and a rather long silence follows, neither of us moving . I sigh mentally . We're not going to do much of anything if he keeps being shy like that.
I suddenly decide making the first move and go to sit on his lap, putting my hands on his shoulders . He looks a bit taken aback, but quickly realize and gently set his hands on my hips. He then raises his head a bit to look at me once again, smiling slightly. I try to put that detail aside for the moment and concentrate on my goal. That is, use the more time possible before making him come. And then lie about my pay.
I'm abruptly brought to reality feeling Kaoru holding me to him and feather kissing my neck. Oh no. This is not going to be like that.
- Hey … I try pushing him away gently, but hardly succeed.
- Hm ?
I finally manage to back off enough to look at his face. I take a little exhalation of air and speak.
- This is not going to work like that …
- Why not ? He looks so gentle.
I sigh audibly and look elsewhere. This is going to be tough . We're here to fuck, damn it, not to make love !
- Listen; I bring my left hand to his cheek slowly ; I said I don't want any intimate contact .
He chuckles.
- What ? I frown.
- Aren't we going to have some kind of "intimate contact" in a few minutes ? He says grinning.
I roll my eyes .
- You perfectly know what I mean !
- Sorry, but this isn't really easy to start off without 'any intimate contact', you know …
He has a point there. But well, usually, people never asks for intimate strokes and so on. Nor for foreplay. They just want to get to the main event … But of course I don't care . I knew it would be like that anyway .
- Just … Just … I try finding something clever to reply but can't . After all, if he wants to take it slow, why would I refuse ?
- Just what ?
- Why don't you just do like everybody else ? I lower my head a bit , feeling self-conscious all of a sudden .
- Means what ?
- Stop acting like you don't know …
- I know, I just didn't really want to say it. He suddenly admits. …Nor to think about it actually .
Oh really ? What the hell is he trying to make me think of him ? He damn knows what I am, what I do, and he says he doesn't wanna think about the fact that I'm, basically, a Toy boy. Two possibilities : First, he's the biggest hypocrite I've ever seen ; or second, he's speaking truthfully , and in this case … Well, I might still be a kind of drunk. That type of guy doesn't exist.
- Hello ?
- Huh ? I quickly regain my composure , realizing I've been thinking deeply a bit too long . What ? I answer quite aggressively.
- Sorry but … You've been totally 'off ' for a while, I was wondering what was wrong with you !
- I'm fine .
- Sure you wanna follow this ?
- Follow what ? We haven't made the tiniest single move yet ! I say louder than expected .
- You're going to make the whole neighbourhood aware of the situation Toshiya ...
- I don't care ! Just do what you have to do now ! I, for a reason I can't quite grasp, became angry only a minute or so. I'm going to make a move when I suddenly feel two unexpectedly strong arms lifting me up, and then I find myself lying on the couch, with a very eager Kaoru on top of me .
We look at each other for a few seconds, he looking a little flushed and I wondering if he really is going to do what I fear he would do . Please, don't get closer , don't get closer … I blink a few times and he does so too, coming out of his seemingly deep thoughts, lowering his head to reach my neck and nuzzle a bit against me again . I think of pushing him, telling him I don't want that once more, but I stay silent . After all, I just said no kisses . I didn't really say no touches.
As he continues his little assault on my neck I try getting in a comfortable position, bending one leg slightly while caressing his sides slowly with my hands . Kaoru shifts his position a bit, seating himself in between my now parted legs . He's currently kissing my collarbones, and I bring my hands to his head, fingers combing through his hair somehow tenderly .
Damn, he got me acting fondly . I never do that. Well, at least, not often . There has just been and there is just one person I'm acting lovingly with on this damned planet. And it's not him. It' not Kaoru. So why ?
I suddenly feel a great rush of blood going straight to my crotch and I moan, arching my back as much as Kaoru would allow me to. I reposition my hands on his cheeks, holding his face so that he's looking at me .
- If you keep on thrusting your hips into mine like that it won't last really long … I whisper. I don't know why, but I don't feel like speaking out loud anymore .
- Can't hold much longer ? He whispers back, smirking.
- Don't tease. I shake my head slightly and let my hands reach down his neck, cradling it .
He nods twice, letting out a shy "Ok", shifting position again and coming to kneel in between my legs . I slowly let go of him as he moves, nervously looking for a place to put my hands on . Well, my chest would do . I look down my own body to my skirt, an obvious bulge showing I have been reacting quickly to Kaoru's little ministrations. My eyes then travel to a now bare torso , and a pair of hands awkwardly trying to get rid of a belt and pants. As he seems a little nervous, I reach to help him and he first protests, but I insist. He lets me do so, and once everything 's in place ; if I might say; I lie back on the couch, realizing quickly I still am quite overdressed . Kaoru looks at me expectedly, and I come to an almost sitting position ,reaching under my skirt to pull my panties down. I don't really wanna undress. It's not necessary anyway .
- I'm ready. I say lying back another time and looking at the boy in front of me, who apparently doesn't quite get why I just took off my panties .
- Ok then . He tilts his head to the side slightly, putting each of his hands on either side of me. He seems to be hesitating now.
- What ? I just state.
- Um … Do you need lube ?
- Oh ,um… There must be some in a pocket of my coat . I look around me for said coat, that I … strangely enough, can't find anymore . I frown.
- You're lying on it .
I widen my eyes for a second . I am ??
- Wait up … I try raising my upper half a bit to grab the wanted object, that I, after various unsuccessful attempts , finally manage to bring to my chest, hitting Kaoru with a sleeve without meaning it . I mumble a timid "sorry" and start rummaging through the, though not so numerous pockets, eventually finding the small tube.
- Here you are ! I hand it to him, putting my coat to the floor in the process.
- Um … It's empty . He glares at the tube.
- Huh ? I watch it too, and quickly come to glare flames at it also. Fuck.
- Don't you have …
- No. He shakes his head with a sorry air .
You can be sorry yes ! I'm going to be taken dry now …
- I'm sorry Toshiya, really …
- Yeah, yeah … I roll my eyes.
- Do you wanna stop ?
- You're joking right ? I let out a sarcastic chuckle and put my hands on his waist firmly holding it .
He looks surprised . Surprised and reticent.
- Just do it, it's not like I haven't done this before anyway.
He nods and looks down , positioning himself and gently grabbing one of my leg under the knee. He hasn't made a move and he looks guilty already. He really isn't meant for that . I don't get why he asked that of me.
He now looks at me in the eyes and I understand he's going to enter me. I nod feebly and hold onto him tighter ,waiting.
- Tell me if it hurts too much . He says lowly and suddenly I hiss , clenching my eyes shut a bit . Damn, being entered slowly surely is painful . As it almost never happens, well, this is quite a new feeling . Of course when it's fast, it's fucking hurting too, but I suppose it's… Easier to adjust, in fact.
- Please … I whisper real low, wondering if he's heard me.
- Yes ? He stops pushing into me and I groan .
- Please go on; I can't take it ! I answer a bit louder .
- You mean …?
- Faster, please … I look at him through now half lidded eyes. He's totally killing me. This slowness is killing me.
He doesn't ask anymore questions, and finally buries himself to the hilt within me, and almost immediately starts plunging in and out of me, though rather tenderly. I close my eyes, trying to adjust as best and as fast as I can, wanting to get over that pain. This all seems like it's going to be better than I've been expecting. Kaoru's so considerate it's making me dizzy. I never got this much gentleness in a so short time, moreover from someone I don't even know .
As I'm planning on apologizing for having been a bit harsh to him earlier, Kaoru's shy moans take me out of my thoughts, also making me realize I'm not hurting that much anymore . I again bring one hand to my partner 's neck , the other roaming on his back ,holding him to me the closer I can. For once, feeling a bit of warmth and tenderness isn't unappreciated . At all.
He moans again, this time a bit louder, the movement of his hips becoming a bit more rowdy as minutes pass by. I close my eyes in delight , pushing my hips back on him, trying to match his rhythm. Damn, I'm really starting to enjoy this. That might be the first time in … Well. Months ? …Years ? Maybe not, but one thing is sure, I really should be enjoying this as much as I can, it may not happen again before long .
- Is it good ? Kaoru suddenly speaks , breath a bit ragged.
- Hm, hm … I almost moan, nodding my head twice resolutely . I want him to know it is good . I want him to know I like it . Real much . I just can't find the words. This is too embarrassing. We're not lovers. I can't tell such things. But the problem is, that it absolutely mustn't look like we hardly know each other. I know Kaoru since a few hours. He, apparently, knows me a tad more; but not that much. He just knows my name, where I live, what I do and the college I study in. Pretty much I must admit, since I just know his name. But I don't really care. He doesn't look dangerous anyway. He's acting so kind. In every way. He picked me up in the middle of the night, offered me food and drinks, he listened to me, tried convincing me not to come back home drunk … And now … We're making love on his couch .
Yeah, you just can't call that 'fucking' . He's making love to me . I'm loving every second of it, I want more , I don't want it to stop.

I'm reacting like I do when I'm with him.

I want to scream. Scream his name out loud . But I can't . I love him so much . He's the one and only one I give myself to. I gave him everything. I promised to never, ever give that to anybody else. To anyone. But I'm doing it. That's what I'm currently doing.

And the worst … I don't feel bad . At all even. This is so good . How could I be rejecting this …?

- Kaoru-kun … I moan lowly and decide to put both arms around him . Holding his face like that so close to mine isn't a good thing. It's too personal. Too intimate. I know I won't be able to contain myself any longer if it comes to have him a few centimeters away from me only. I've never been kissing anyone else. Anyone else but him. And when I think he's probably in the same situation as I am right now … At least I know I'm not alone. He would always be there.

Kaoru has been grazing my prostate numerous times since a moment now, and I feel like I'm going insane . It's been so long since I haven't been feeling that much sexual pleasure. It's amazing. I've been almost forgetting. How sad. And paradoxical. I'm having sex a lot more than other people of my age, and not only them; though I might be in the category of those who're almost feeling anything but pain or emptiness. I know, it's a choice. Of my part of course. I don't work for anybody. I perfectly know some chicks aren't deciding of their fates; they're leaded and forced to work like that. Each and every single rapport is like a rape then. I used to feel that at the beginning. Now I think I'm simply too accustomed to it .

The thing I'm not accustomed to, is, oddly, pleasure . I'm 19, and I hardly know what sexual joy really is. Despite the fact I've kind of a boyfriend already, I still think I don't really know what it is . I've always been seeing myself as submissive, and, with him, I'm not . He's more submissive than I am . So I always end up penetrating him. Not that I don't like it, it's just that I'm more of an Uke than a Seme . And I would like it to function this way.

With a Kaoru in my life, that wouldn't be too difficult . Damn, I never felt like that before . I can already say I'm close . And I wanted it to last as long as possible … Well, possible means around 15 minutes for the moment . What a
record .
I think of something to calm down a bit, when Kaoru lets out a not so discreet moan, thrusting harder into me as he does so.
- I … I think I'm close ! He says, panting .
I finally settle on letting go. I'm close , he's close ? Well… why should I hold back ? I press myself against him harder, clutching on him.
And there we are. A few seconds and thrusts later, We both come. I'm the first and he follows right after. Exhausted, I let go of him, my arms falling loosely on each side of me. I'm panting hard, so does he. He's lying limply on me but still hasn't pull out of me. I'm hurting slightly, but too tired to care. I just wanna sleep now .
Kaoru finally draws out of me after a minute or so, having been regaining his breath . He stands, collecting his clothes and quickly yet nonchalantly puts his pants on, not caring to zip them. He then kneels next to me, still lying on the couch, all sweaty, skirt riding up my hips. I must look like a real mess.
He smiles and slowly brings a hand to my left cheek to caress it slightly .
- Wanna sleep ? He asks whispering.
- Yeah . I nod slowly.
He nods too, and then, put an arm under my neck, replacing it a little lower around my shoulder blades when I raise my body a bit to help him out. He places the other under my legs around my knees, and I understand he wants to carry me. I then sit, putting both arms around his neck tiredly, and he stands up, threatening to lose his balance for a second when he does so, but manages and starts walking to his bedroom, gently putting me on the large bed when we
arrive in.
I don't have the time to say something when I feel a cool material on my body and see Kaoru patting the pillows next to my head .
- You can rest there for the night, I'll sleep in the living. He says smiling . I don't know if I should say something . I'm a bit too tired now. Endorphins are really something great. An orgasm and then miracle ! They're making you so sleepy you can't even think properly .
- Don't … I manage to say before he leaves the room.
- What ?
- The couch is dirty. mumble.
Yeah, that was true. I couldn't let him sleep on a semen covered couch.
- I'll clean it.
- There's enough room for two. I respond eyes closed, lifting up the blanket as high as I can in my sleepy state, which is not much I suppose.
- Ok.
I hear light footsteps coming to the bed and a added weight on the mattress, then a quite warm sensation. I'm going to open my eyes when I feel an arm coming to rest around my waist .
- Can I ? It sounds shy, rather unsure.
- Hm hm. I nod and put my hand on his to give him some kind of comfort. He seems so tense.
- Goodnight . I murmur and he does the same back. I'm not long to drift off, a minute or two later, I'm fast asleep.

~

It's already past midday and I'm just coming home. I woke up pretty early for someone who went to sleep around 4 in the morning , moreover just after having been having sex.
Well, actually I didn't wake up, Kaoru's phone took care of that . At fucking eight in the morning . Eight, damnit ! Four hours of sleep . How can I be happy and all with only four miserable hours of slumber ?
Anyway . After having been growling at the poor object that Kaoru was really long to find in his almost completely asleep state, guess what happened ? Yes, surprising thing , we fucked -again- . Well to speak the truth we 'made love' once more. This surely is odd. Kaoru just can't fuck someone . He's making love to them .

After a much more longer round that yesterday night; and that wasn't difficult; I took a quick shower and well … I left almost immediately . Of course I asked for the cash he owed me. For the early morning session too, yeah. And he gave everything. Though I kinda asked a bit too much, he didn't complain . At all . This is one wonderful guy . I really should do that again sometimes …

I sigh loudly when entering my bedroom, seeing I again forgot to tidy it. What a mess. But well, I don't sleep here that much anyway … I shrug my shoulders and start undressing, to change into normal clothes. I received an inconsiderable number of stares the short time I came out of Kaoru's car and walked to my apartment . I must have been out for just 15 seconds or so, but I swear everybody around was completely ogling at me. However, I don't blame them. Seeing your 19 year old neighbour coming out of another guy's car, wearing a short black fur coat, with a more than short leather skirt that is actually not covering much of anything … I do understand it can be a bit surprising.

A few minutes later, I'm sitting in my kitchen, lazily sipping some tea I just made . I finally settled on pyjamas. I don't think I'll have to go out today anyway. And good news, tonight either . I got enough money from Kaoru to live peacefully for a while . If I ever happen to see him at the college, I should thank him. Maybe. Well, I don't know. I shouldn't thank someone for having been making me liking my 'job' for once, should I ?
My thoughts are interrupted as I hear a quite loud knock on the door. Then someone calling my name . I can't believe it . I immediately recognize the voice and stand up, rushing to the entry door. Once it's opened , I instantaneously smile and take the person in front of me in my arms, holding tightly.
He doesn't say a word , just holds me back and put his face in the crook of my neck, humming slightly. We stay embraced like that for a minute or so, neither of us speaking . Oh how I love those moments .
He finally lets go of me slowly and we separate, looking at each other . I can't help but smile . He smiles a bit too and I take his hand, leading us to the living after having been closing the door behind us.
We go sitting on the couch still holding hands, and before I can say something, he kisses me on the lips. I close my eyes immediately, and I feel his hand tightening around mine . He pulls back not long after, smiling shyly.
- Hello … He almost mumbles, glancing around him nervously. I laugh a bit and say the same back . It's always like this with Shinya . He's acting shy and nervous and to say to truth, so am I . I don't know why, but we're always like a silly couple of teenagers when we're together . Maybe because we're not meeting very frequently. In fact, I didn't have any news from him for 2 months now.
- How you doing ? I ask.
- I'm fine . He smiles and nods his head. And you ? What's those … pyjamas? He says, visibly amused.
- Oh ; I look at myself; Sorry, I really wasn't expecting someone to come over … Especially not you !
- I'm sorry …
- What for ? I try sounding honest though I know what he's gonna say .
- I know I'm not giving much news. He shakes his head .
Yeah that's true . I nod silently . But well, he lives in Osaka . He's 18, live alone in a small apartment like me, and sells his body. Just Like me. We're similar on numerous points.
I met him rather randomly, he was in town for a while at the time . It must have been well… a year and a half now . The week he'd spent in Tokyo, he spent it mostly in my bedroom.
I don't know why, but we kinda "fell in love". Cause yeah, I don't think I can really consider Shinya as my boyfriend, and I'm not sure he does so either . In every way .
We're more than just friends, that's sure, but we aren't a couple. Luckily in a way. I don't think I could handle going out with someone who's spending most of his night having sex with anybody that want to have them. Though yet again, I perfectly know Shinya isn't doing it for fun either. He's in an even worst situation than I am.
- I'm glad you're still here . He says lowly looking up at me now .
- I'll always be here you know that .
- I don't want to bother you …
- You don't bother me Shinchan … I take him in my arms gently, and he quickly hugs back. Well, he seems a bit perturbed .
- Anything you wanna tell me ? I ask.
- No. It's alright . He clutches onto me tighter, shaking his head a little. He sighs .
After a quite long moment with us two keeping totally silent and still, I decide to make a move and back off slightly, gently making Shinya lie down on the couch . He immediately understands and lie comfortably, bringing me to him.
- I need you so much … He whispers and starts deposing kisses wherever he can .
I carefully lie down on him, trying not to put all my weight. He's so thin and fragile I'm always afraid I could break him. I reach down to find his lips, meshing them with my owns . He almost forces his tongue inside my mouth, caressing my back as he moans slightly.
From now on, we're going to kiss and touch like that for a while, then move from the couch to the bed and make love . It's almost always like this .
I love Shinya so dearly . But I know it's hopeless trying to get something out of this relationship. Really hopeless . We're both young, singles and depressed . Without that, I suppose we probably won't be 'together'. We just have sex . Even if it's nice and relaxing, for us both, and that there is kind of a loving feeling behind all this, we're nothing more than that . We're 2 men making love with one another, sharing a bit of affection because without it, we would be going totally crazy .

We hardly talk . Of course, like other human beings we do, but I mean, we know that we're doing it more or less to justify our so called love . To keep sane . Not just to fuck like stupid rabbits . Though I know that's not what we're doing .

~

Shinya settled on staying the whole week-end. Not that I'm complaining. At least I'm not alone. But as we barely talk, that wouldn't change much of anything, I know . We're probably going to have sex 4 or 5 times in the day. I would never understand that . He might be not so talkative and shy, but he sure is very much different in bed. Shinya really isn't the type of guy you would think that of when seeing him the first time. That's probably why we're getting along well I assume.

He's my one and only friend . He's my one and only boyfriend too . The one and only person I wanna see when I feel bad . The only one who knows who I am .

But whoever I might be with , even him, I would feel lonely . It's just like that . I'm lonely. How could I be really happy and feeling free with a life like this one ? As long as I would be doing this , as long as I would be walking in the streets at night wearing these clothes, as long as I would be unable to live properly, I will be depressed. And lonely.

In 2 whole years, I've been feeling really good and normal just one day. Just one night . Just one name . Kaoru .

As long as I won't see you again, I would be depressed and lonely . As long as I wouldn't be able to live that another time, I would feel lonely .

I just … I just wish I could. I wish I could see you again . I don't know if it's right , maybe I'm just feeling too lonely . In any case … If I ever happen to have a chance to see you, I won't let go .

I wish I could feel a little bit less lonely then .

TBC…

Semichan's comments : End of first chapter ! My my, this all looks so depressing >_< lol but the following parts actually are much more… Well less depressing. XD (I realized that each time I was writing something with a precise POV, it was kinda depressive >_< Dunno, maybe things come more easily when they're sad …? O.o) Tell me what you think of this ^^ Thx for reading !
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Boku no Inbai, Boku no Kodoku.