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Song To Say Goodbye	By : Firithfalaswen Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Panic! At The Disco Views: 851 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Panic! At the Disco. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Song To Say Goodbye
- 1
You are one of God's mistakes.
You crying, tragic waste of skin.

“God’s mistake... God doesn’t even exist!” Ryan’s reflection gave the twisted smile back to himself.

This is it, this is the day. There’s no backing out now.

Ryan looked at his reflection and touched his own pale face, running his fingers over his cheekbones, dragging them down his face, deforming it.

Tormented little boy.

You’re so cute! You’re so gorgeous! So amazing! So perfect! ... hahaha! Right...

But you are beautiful, Ryan.

Brendon’s voice traveled around his brain, echoing his ears and making him choke on his sobs. Brendon... what would he say when they found him? What would he do? Would he realize the previous night was his way to say goodbye to him? His way to say how sorry he was for not being strong enough for him? For abandoning him?

Ryan dug his nails in the soft flesh of his face, bringing another stream of tears to run down his cheeks.

Brendon loves you...

“Love doesn’t exist... there’s nothing to love here...” The vacant eyes in the mirror stared at him. There was nothing to love there, yet Brendon loved him.

He loves you... and you love him back...

“I’ll only hurt him...”

You’ll kill him...

Ryan gripped the sides of the sink, his tears tingling the recent wounds on his cheeks.

You’ll kill him...

“Then we’ll both be dead...”

After last night... after everything you said...

“I’m fucked up... I’m a liar and a coward...”

You’re chicken shit... you’re shit...

“I don’t deserve him.”

But he still loves you and you still love him.

Ryan glanced at the mirror again, watching his own white thin face, swollen red eyes. Rage overwhelmed him and he gripped the sink tighter, pressing his lips together to suppress the yell burning in his throat. He opened the cabinet harshly and took out a few things.
He started sobbing and shaking again, staring at the supplies on his hand.

Brendon...

Ryan fell to the cold tile floor, leaning against the locked door.

Brendon...

Your needle and your damage done,
Remains a sordid twist of fate.

Both boys jogged into the room, one happier than the other, but both smiling.

“Don’t you enjoy running away from everyone else?” Brendon asked as he locked the door. Ryan sighed.

“Yeah, is kinda funny! It adds a especial something I guess!” Ryan said with a smile,wrapping his arms around Brendon’s waist.

“It does...” Brendon kissed Ryan’s pouty lips. “Now, why are we here again?” He asked playing innocent. Ryan chuckled.

“Do I have to explain it again?”

“Uuumm... why don’t you show me instead?” Brendon grinned and pulled the other boy to the bed, landing on top of him.

“Oh, never let it be said that Brendon Urie is the passive whore!” Ryan chimed with a giggle as the singer attached lips to his neck.

“I can be the passive one... but just for you.” Brendon stared into Ryan’s eyes before kissing him hard and rolling them over.

The clothes were ripped off their bodies in a heated frenzy. The regular hidden love made them get used to be in a hurry everytime they met. Ryan was the first to realize it.

“Hey! We’re not hiding now...” He said as he kissed Brendon’s neck, running his hands over his chest lovingly. “And no one will bother us tonight...”

Ryan kissed a path down Brendon’s chest, nibbling and licking... savoring every path of skin he came in contact with. Running his hands on Bren’s sides, Ryan reached his half-off jeans, pulling them out completely.
Ryan kissed his way back up and stared down at Brendon.

“What?” Brendon asked with a nervous giggle.

Ryan said nothing and just stared at him for the longest time, like he was trying to memorize every pore of Brendon’s skin. He leaned down and kissed him again before, Brendon could ask what was wrong.

“Don’t ever forget about me...” Ryan whispered into the kiss. Brendon chuckled.

“I won’t, baby, I promise.”

They resumed their heavy kissing as Ryan settled himself between Brendon’s legs and nudged at his entrance. Brendon gasped loudly, making the other boy smile. Ryan reached for the nightstand getting the familiar bottle and coating himself and Brendon. The vanilla scent flooding the room.

“You and your vanilla obsession.” Brendon said smiling.

“Yeah, but you’re the slut now.” Ryan hit back, kissing him even harder than before.

Brendon moaned into his mouth as he felt Ryan entering him slowly. He bucked his hips up, increasing the friction and making their pace speed up a little.

Ryan slid in and out steadily, still kissing Brendon passionately. He took a hold of his hips and thrusted him, making sure to hit that right spot. And by the way Brendon wiggled and moaned, he was doing a good job.

As his peak was slowly creeping up to him, Ryan broke the kiss and stared at Brendon again, who did nothing but stare back, breathing with his mouth slightly open.

For a moment their eyes connected. For a moment there was no cloth over Ryan’s eyes and Brendon could see straight inside him. For that brief second Brendon caught a glimpse of all the things Ryan always hid from him. And he didn’t even realized.

A couple more thrusts and Brendon threw his head back, panting and convulsing beneath his lover.

Another couple of thrust and Ryan collapsed on top of Brendon, breathing heavily. Warm tears fell silently from his eyes onto the other boy’s chest. Brendon felt it and lifted Ryan’s face up.

“Baby! Why are you crying?” Brendon asked with a hint of amusement on his voice. His hand wiped away the tears from Ryan’s face. The other boy said nothing, just smiled and kissed him again, snuggling against Brendon’t chest. “I love you.” Ryan felt like choking at the sound of those words, but he managed to smile anyways.

“I love you too.”

I'm well aware of how it aches,
And you still won't let me in

Brendon woke up with a start and he rubbed his eyes trying to chase away the nightmare that woke him up. Funny, he never managed to remember his dreams, he didn’t even remember having a nightmare since he was a little kid.
He let out a sigh and turned to the other side of the bed, convinced he’d find his boyfriend there, still sleeping peacefully, with his soft hair falling over his face, breathing calmly. And he’d snuggle into his arms and the nightmare would go away.
But Ryan wasn’t there.

Brendon’s face fell as he roamed the room with his eyes. He was alone.
He got up from the bed.

“Ryan?”

He didn’t know why, but he had a bad feeling about it.

“Ryan?”

He walked to the next room, finding nothing and no one.

“Ryan!?!”

As Brendon walked outside his own room, he caught the shiny little line coming from under the bathroom’s door. Part of him was relieved... the other part pushed him against the door, where he knocked almost frantically.

“Ryan, you in there?” Silence.

Brendon tried to open the locked door.

“Why is the door locked?!?! C’mon, open up!” Silence. “Ross, you’re fucking scaring me! Get out of there now!!”

No part of him was relieved now, as he suddenly realized what Ryan was doing in there, why was the door locked, why he cried last night. Brendon felt the tears spring to his eyes and roll down his face as he leaned against the door.

“Please don’t do it!” He sobbed against the door, hitting it with his fist. “Please Ryan, don’t....” Brendon fell to his knees, still banging on the door with the little amount of force his convulsed cries let him. “I love you... so fucking much.”

I love you too, Brendon.

“You can’t leave me, please!”

I’m so sorry.

“Please, Ryan... I need you...”

I’m so fucking sorry!

Brendon suddenly stopped crying, stopped banging the door, stopped breathing.
He froze there watching the shadow under the door he knew it was Ryan lying on the floor. He just stared at it as a small line of blood flowed from under the door.

Now I'm trying to wake you up,
To pull you from the liquid sky.
Cause if I don't we'll both end up
With just your song to say goodbye.
- 1
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Song To Say Goodbye