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Sing a Song of Secrets	By : FilthyWarumono Category: Dir en grey > Slash - Male/Male Views: 1044 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is purely a work of fiction. I do not know DeG, and I do not profit from these writings.

Chapter List
- 1-Sing a Secret Song
- 1
Sing a Song of Secrets

Am I gay?

Growing up in Kyoto I never really thought to ask myself this. I was so antisocial, I had very little friends – and the few I had were all girls. It’s normal, for a boy to play with a girl, right? After all, that’s a human’s natural chemistry. My parents should have been proud of me for having the balls to even talk to a girl, let alone spend my time with them. To me, I seemed like a normal boy. First crushes maybe? Boys just did stupid things. They were disgusting and rude. Plus, girls were much easier to talk with – and trust me; I’ve got a lot going on in my twisted little head.
To make matters worse, I never paid much attention in grade school. I just didn’t see the point. I didn’t want to waste my time studying pointless drabble. I couldn’t imagine myself in a business suit, going back and forth from work every single day. Who wants to live like that?
And then one day a friend loaned me their music. I never cared before, but suddenly, I was hooked. That’s the way it always happens, isn’t it? I began looking my favorite bands up, and then I was really addicted. They were all so flawlessly beautiful, done up in expensive, drapey clothing with their silky soft, long colored locks originally styled and their faces painted perfectly, the ruby red sensual lips a perfect counterpart to the dark kohl lined orbs of immense, glossy depth buried beneath thick, extravagant lashes.

My idols were men.

I started saving up any money I could – from my tiny allowance I was occasionally granted to anything I might pick up from extra chores, to giving in and getting myself a lousy job on the side – and sneaking off of school grounds during class, I’d walk to the nearby convenience store to buy myself a brand new music magazine. Whichever cover had my favorite bands names on it; whichever book had the most gorgeous man gracing the front page. It’s not so wrong to think that they’re attractive, is it? After all, they’re in dresses, with makeup and heels and hair. I couldn’t tell the difference – but the fact that I knew inside that she was really a he – well, that baffled me. I experienced great excitement first, the first thing I’d ever really been into, and then came the jealousy.

I wanted to be just as beautiful.
I wanted to be apart of the music.

I started coloring my hair, which my parents yelled at me for. Then they found out I had been skipping out on my teachings, and I got scolded again. I stopped doing homework, I stopped talking to those girls, and I still had no male friends. My only company was now within those thin, glossy pages, my only interest in the music drowning my ears. Occasionally I’d sneak into my mother’s bedroom, practicing and practicing until the reflection staring back at me was that of a made-up female with plush, scarlet petals and lids of ebony surrounding dark, delicious orbs.

Perhaps I was just in love with myself.

That hope was soon shot down however the day my parents disregarded my privacy, worried about my failing grades. Their suspicion lied within drugs, but instead that day I came home I was again disciplined, this time over one of my secret magazines.

They found the pages stuck together with a splash of white seed.

Again I was reprimanded; mother was starting to notice her makeup disappearing. Father was starting to wonder where he had gone wrong, and I was left wondering why I even bothered anymore. I wanted to be famous and beautiful, I wanted to be just like the men I fapped over. Maybe if I got in, I could meet my idols.

Then surely I’d know if I was gay or not, right?

The day of our final exam I handed in a blank test, and dropped out of school. I couldn’t stand packaging food anymore either, so after masturbating once more over the dolled up images splayed open beside me I violated the sushi, and got myself fired. My parents were so infuriated with me they kicked me out. No home, no diploma, no job, no friends.

Am I a rock star yet?

Since I had successfully fucked up everything that I possibly could have, I decided it was time for a new beginning. I changed my name. Several times, in fact. From Tooru to Yoma to Hotama to Kyo. I gave up my old life and followed my favorite bands obsessively, and eventually became a roadie, leaving my hometown behind. I got to practice hair and makeup, perfecting my skills and all the while got to drool over those pretty men done up in costume. I can’t even begin to count how many times I’d shamelessly touched myself while being surrounded by live music.
I tried my hand at guitar. I tried my hand at bass. I wanted so badly to be a musician, so that I could be the one gracing those magazines and making people beat off over my image. Making guys want me as badly as I wanted the male sex organ.

Or perhaps I just wished that instead I was a woman.

Cursed with this ugly shaped part between my legs, and seeing that a boy could still be just as pretty caused me to strive to do just the same. It made sense now, playing with all girls growing up and dreaming of beautiful men. I wasn’t gay; I was just in the wrong body.
Once I gave in for trying anything with my untalented hands I strived for voice, as untaught and tone deaf as I were. I surprisingly was scooped up in my first band, but we only lasted a whole two months. I bounced from band to band after that, and every time we took a photo shoot, I even amazed myself with my looks. I finally fit – my round, soft face surrounded in plush feathers, my short, petite body hugged with dresses and costumes, and my face painted up almost like a Geisha.

I could pass as the opposite gender.

I started really testing my luck, seeing how far I could masquerade. When my band went out to celebrate, I hung all over the boys. They never found out, because they never took me home. I wasn’t so desperate as to throw away my virginity just yet. Still testing the waters, trying to figure out my own sexual preference.
My parents would probably kill me if they found out I was gay. But I can’t decide which is worse – being a boy liking boys, or being a cross dresser who thinks he’s a she.

My band broke up again, over and over and over. At least getting around in the bars and performing in different halls I finally made a friend, and a male friend at that. I could talk to him, and we hung out more than once. Surprising I know. He was also a musician, so I could talk to him about music, my aspirations and my problems alike. He offered me a place to stay in his apartment, and since I had no real job, I decided it couldn’t hurt to take him up on this offer. I hadn’t lived with anyone since my parents kicked me out. And this way, I’d be around a boy all the time… I could really find out for sure if I liked men or not.

His name was Kisaki.
Soon, he wanted to start a band with his new roommate, and La:Sadies was born, myself as the star vocalist. I met the others - Kaoru on lead guitar, Daisuke on rhythm guitar, and Shinya on drums. Kisaki was bass. For the first time since grade school I actually remembered their names, and their good looks surely weren’t reminding me that I had a small, hopeful hint of being straight. I cozied right up to them with my woman-like ways, flirting without even realizing it. I’d giggle at their jokes, shyly hide my face, bat my eyelashes, and openly help myself to their warm, inviting laps whenever I could. I was the smallest of us five so it was pretty easy. The friendly hugs I got in return always seemed something more to my curious self, the fanservice we did for the fans always made me hot. Since I no longer lived alone I had to be careful when I masturbated, wearily making sure that Kisaki wouldn’t hear me pleasuring myself in private.

I think all hope was shot down by now.
I was gay, and now needed to learn how to live it.

This is just a quickie I'm doing for my RP muse's sake, the background as to why he's so fucked up. It'll be short, probably only one more chapter, but I thought I'd post it here for some lovin'. Enjoy, and Review please!
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Sing a Song of Secrets