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White Nights	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 1456 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
I have finally started the sequel ^^ I hope all goes well, even though I have so many doubts about it >_< Even the first chapter is somewhat… of a questionable quality… But I hope I’ll manage to keep to my expectations and make it decent enough at least for my own taste :) lol I can only promise to put in a lot of thought and work in this, so I hope in the end you will also be able to say that you enjoyed and liked it :)

CHAPTER 1

--- 2010 January 18 ---

Sex in the morning isn’t such a bad thing after all. After Kaoru did such a good job of turning me on I wanted it badly myself this time. Which, sadly, doesn’t happen too often.

I shift my head so that it would be more comfortable and sight contently.

I lie next to Kaoru, my head on his chest, my left hand holding him over his torso, my right hand supporting my head a bit. I listen to Kaoru’s breathing, feel his chest rise and fall still in a bit quicker intervals than usual. He is sweaty all over and sticky a bit down there. But so am I, so I can’t really complain.

I feel his hand in my hair, playing lazily with the now blond strands and I relax even more.

It’s Saturday morning. None of the two of us have to go anywhere. So we can take as much time in bed as we want. And this morning I woke up to find Kaoru slowly tracing his fingers on my belly, looking needy and flushed. And really hard.

I snigger, amused at the memory and Kaoru’s hand immediately stops its movement.

“What’s so funny, Kyo?” he asks, sounding a bit defensive, but curious.

I lower my gaze and look at the most intimate and private part of his body, exposed fully to me.

The first time he let me see him for real now seems to have been so long ago. Now neither of the two of us feels ashamed at being naked together. But the first few times were a bit awkward and clumsy.

I shift my head a bit trying to look Kaoru in the face.

“You seem to never get enough” I answer him with a smile on my face. “You’re like a teenager with unstable hormone system.”

He lifts one of his eyebrows a bit and tries to look neutral. But I see that I hit the sensitive spot.

“I don’t mean it in a bad way, Kaoru, but…”

“But?”

“Well, I never thought you’d be so greedy when it comes to sex. It seems to never be enough for you.”

Kaoru seems to contemplate what I said, his expression hardens a bit. Shit, I didn’t want to spoil his mood when it was so perfect this morning.

“I’ve wanted you for years, Kyo. It shouldn’t be so surprising to you that I crave closeness with you so badly.”

I nod while he speaks and smile. I really understand. Especially as we don’t have sex so often because of some problems I’m having.

“And it’s been a long time since I had sex…”

“How long exactly you… you know… didn’t fuck?”

I grin at him and he smiles back to me. I shift my position and lie next to him so that now our faces would be on the same level. I want to look him in the eyes while he speaks. We’ve never really talked about that before and I really want to know everything that concerns him. I’m a bit possessive when it comes to my lovers.

“The last time I had a fuck was while you were still… not right in your mind.”

That’s quite a lot of time, I must say.

“It was a one night thing, though. Not really relieving.”

“But you still had lovers before that?” I ask, trying not to sound hurt, even if I know Kaoru had all the rights in the world to fuck with whomever he wanted when we weren’t together.

He keeps silent and I get suspicious. And curious as hell.

“The last lover I had was before your disappearance.”

I try to count the years, but it’s so long that I start shaking my head. Who’d have so much willpower to hold back for so long? And to be alone for so many years?

“But why did you rob yourself of pleasures for so long?”

I can’t tell him I’m happy some other guys or chicks haven’t touched him, but if I was in his place, I would have had a hard time living celibate for so long.

“Well, when you disappeared, it never even crossed my mind. Sex and finding a lover was the last thing on my mind, I just wanted you to be found. And when you were actually found, the state you were in was the only thing I could think of.”

I nod while he talks. If he already loved me so much back then, as he loves me now, I can understand that he didn’t want to hook up with anyone else.

“But after you took me in and started taking care of me… You had to want to be with somebody at some point.”

“I wanted to be with you.”

The way Kaoru says it sounds almost like he’s scolding a dumb child. But still…

“But you could never be sure if I would recover. And even then you had no guarantees that I’d want to be with you.”

Kaoru sights and turns his eyes to stare at the ceiling. But his hand finds mine in the sheets and he intertwines his fingers with mine, his palm pressed tightly against my one.

“Kyo, it’s… It’s all very embarrassing for me. I don’t like to remember any of that.”

“It’s only me, Kaoru. You can tell me anything.”

I’m now really dying to know what he hasn’t told me about his lonely days. I even start to dread that maybe all of this taking care of me wasn’t as innocent as he claims it was.

“Kyo, when you disappeared, I regretted every opportunity I had but didn’t use to tell you about my feelings. And I regretted that I understood my feelings fully only when it was too late. I was deeply in love with you and I never even for a second thought of giving up hope. Only when some time passed living and taking care of you I started to really feel the effects of loneliness, of the need of a warm body, of somebody to help me ease the tension.

I fought with these feelings as best as I could. But there still were days when I just wouldn’t stand seeing you naked, and wet, and just gorgeous… I never jerked off so much in my life as during that time…”

I nod, showing I understand him. Who was I to judge? Kaoru had it difficult. And he did what he could under these circumstances.

“But you found somebody even if much later…”

He sights and a grimace shortly appears on his face.

“How do you think I managed to do that?”

He turns to look at me and I shrug. Kaoru is handsome. It wouldn’t be difficult for others to want to have sex with him.

“I paid for sex that night, ok?”

I stare at him dumbfounded. The cautious and always so careful Kaoru buying sex? He must have been really desperate.

“It’s nothing that horrible that you should beat yourself over it, Kao.”

“Maybe… But I felt even worse after that night. And that was the one and only time. Until that morning on the porch in the backyard of your house, that is...”

“Our house” I correct him. Kaoru is now also the owner of the house, but he still calls it mine.

I draw his hand to my face and kiss the back of his palm while our fingers are still intertwined.

“Kyo, I don’t want to talk about it anymore. It wasn’t a tragedy. Many people don’t have sex at all, or barely get some during their whole lives and they survive. It’s nothing you couldn’t live without.”

“I know. But I just don’t like to think you were suffering so much over me. That you sacrificed so much for me.”

“But I got twice as much in return” Kaoru finally smiles and my heart fills with emotions after hearing him say these words. He still manages to make me blush like a teenager. Kaoru can repeat he loves me every day and I still can’t get used to it.

“Kyo, I’ve been lucky enough to have my dream come true. My biggest dream nonetheless.”

“What about being a famous and successful musician?”

“I had that. We all had that. Even if it was short-lived.”

I look at him and he only smiles. I wish he would finally stop trying not to upset me. I hate being treated like somebody who is fragile and unstable. He still keeps a lot to himself and the only reason I can think of is that he wants to protect me from pain.

I sigh, defeated, and lean closer to him, kissing his shoulder lightly.

“Well, at least now you can have sex anytime you want. I’ll happily make it up to you.”

I can so see how Kaoru literary bites his lip from saying the horribly annoying ‘you don’t owe me anything Kyo, you don’t have to do anything to pay me back’ phrase. I hate it with passion. And making love to Kaoru is not even close to some debt I have to pay him back. I enjoy that myself a lot… when I can get it up, that is... Kaoru is just too thick-headed to finally accept that.

I sight and snuggle up to him, put my head against his shoulder and relax. I still feel a bit weak after orgasm.

We lie like this for some time in silence. The room slowly fills with the rays of the sun and it gets warmer. I can hear our neighbor’s dog start barking. But all else is silent and calm.

I wish I could put into words all my feelings and tell them to Kaoru. But all I would come up with would be sappy, cliché and girlish. And after all, Kaoru should know by now that he is very important in my life. Actually, I could easily say that he is the most important one of all people.

Somehow the happiness I feel is so fucking scary. It’s as if I’m too happy and everything’s too perfect. And I can’t relax and enjoy it to the fullest because I just don’t think it will last. Something must happen, because life is never this perfect and this happy. At least for me.

Of course there are problems. Many of them.

My parents going totally mad when they got to know that Kaoru now is the owner of my house together with me, and that we were living together from now on. My father basically telling me to forget about Kaoru or to never set my feet in his house.

Kaoru’s parents also making a scene when Kaoru hinted that he will be living with me even if I’ve already fully recovered. Pressuring him to change his mind. Though as Kaoru was their only child, they weren’t so assertive. They seem to be more interested to maintain their relationship and not lose contact with their only child.

Kaoru has problem in his work. The band he’s writing music for seems to not want anything too hard and heavy, and Kaoru is always forced to readjust and rewrite the music according to the band’s requests. And he really hates that. Lately he’s been feeling bossed around by the leader of the band as if he was his bitch. Perhaps the success of the first album was too much to handle and he now thinks of himself as an extremely huge and important celebrity.

I told him to talk to Yoshiki about this, but Kaoru of course is not going to run to complain to him. He’d better quit than do that. And after all it wasn’t completely bad. But it’s just that sometimes his musical talent as a composer was suppressed. And he experienced more stress at work than ever. And now as I was OK, the band wanted him in the studio most of the time so that they could interfere with the writing of the music. And that, of course, irritated Kaoru even more.

We had problems in bed. Well, I had problems in bed. But I hated to discuss it. I just hope it will work out somehow on its own. I can’t get it up most of the time. So what’s here to discuss? It’s already humiliating enough… And I don’t want to tell Kaoru that I don’t crave for sex now. If Kaoru manages to turn me on, then I’m all for it. But I never initiate any of our love-making sessions.

We also had some problems with the house. The roof was leaking water in some places. Basement had to be fixed. I want to make it be a brighter and safer-looking place. I now have a phobia of very closed up dark places, just like basements. I can’t force myself to go down there for any reason. And thankfully Kaoru is intelligent enough not to ask me why.

I also don’t have any job and our financial situation is kind of in a bad shape. We actually have to save money and watch how we spend it. I was used to always having money and this poverty is hard to get used to. But I just don’t know what I could do. And we already had a few heated arguments with Kaoru concerning that, but I just can’t make myself do anything about it. I don’t want to work anywhere where there would be lots of people. And this basically reduces my possibilities to almost non existent. Especially when the only form of education I have is school.

But despite all of that I am very happy. Just because I’m with Kaoru who never fails to say he loves me at least once a day. I don’t know how he can say that so carelessly all the time, but I still like it. I love hearing that. I like to know he loves me so much. I feel protected, sated and just plainly happy.

And this scares the shit out of me.

I’m so afraid it wouldn’t last. I’m so afraid that something similar will happen again and we’d be separated for good. And I cling to Kaoru even more desperately.

I can’t say any of that to him. I know what he’d say: I’m just being stupid and paranoid and I should just relax and let him take care of everything. Sometimes life is just perfectly happy and good. No need to worry about it.

I sight and immediately feel Kaoru’s grip on me tighten.

“You’re in a strange mood today” Kaoru says and I smile to myself.

“I’m just… happy…”

I can’t see his face, but the silence also tells me a lot. Kaoru was surprised by my answer, no need to even try to think of another explanation.

“Really, Kyo?”

“Yes” I laugh and finally turn to look him in the face. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Kaoru eyes me gently and I almost melt. It’s so easy to get carried away and just give myself to his will.

“I’m really happy to hear that, Kyo. ‘Cause I thought that maybe---“ but he bites his lip and stops speaking.

I raise my eyebrows waiting for him to continue. Kaoru sights. He knows I never back off. I always get my way and if I want to hear the rest, I will hear it.

“I thought that maybe you regretted your decision.”

“Kaoru, what on earth did I do to make you think that? Or are you just being stupid?”

“Kyo, you have to be realistic. You barely talk to your parents now because of me. And we’re broke – we have no money. Basically all we have now is this house, the car and my lousy job.”

“And how all of this decides what should I feel for you, Kaoru? Because I don’t see any link between those things and our relationship.”

“You never said you love me. Ever.”

It struck me like a lightning. I could just open my mouth in surprise, but keep silent. I never thought he needed to hear that so badly.

“Kyo, we’re together, we’re kind of… having sex, we’re sharing our lives, but sometimes it feels as if it’s only me who needs you badly. Kyo, I know you care about me, I know you need me. But being in love and being dependant on somebody are two very different things!”

I entangle myself from his arms and sit in bed. Kaoru sits as well and I can feel his eyes on me.

“You ruined the perfect morning” I mumble. I don’t know what else I could say.

“Kyo…”

“No, Kaoru, you did!” I turn to him looking furious now. “Kaoru, we’re living together, we’re making love, I’ve basically put my heart on a plate and gave it to you and you still say these things to me?! Didn’t I just tell you that I’m happy?! It’s been a long time since I was this happy! A fucking very long time!”

“I know, Kyo. I just need to hear the whole truth from you.”

“Kaoru, I don’t think even my mother ever heard me say that I love her! I’m just not that kind of person! I don’t go around telling people I love them, even if I’m drunk! And I don’t think telling that changes anything! You already are the most important person in my life! Isn’t that good enough for you?”

I stare at him angrily, and he looks back a bit shaken from my reaction. I guess this just was our first fight ever.

Kaoru parts his lips slightly, clearly wanting to say something, but the doorbell suddenly rings. And we both turn our heads to the direction of the door to our bedroom. Our bedroom windows are directed to the backyard, so we can’t see through the window who’s at the door.

“Are we expecting somebody?” I ask and Kaoru shakes his head. He starts to stand up but I grab his hand and make him sit.

“I’ll go” I say and get out of bed. I quickly put on my robe and head out of the room not turning back.

I don’t like to leave our argument unsolved, but there’s nothing to do about it. And actually it’s not like I have more to say to him. I’m not going to say ‘I love you’, because it’s stupid and guys don’t do it. I like when Kaoru does it, because it makes me feel wanted and loved, but I can’t suddenly start saying these words easily.

After my first real love and betrayal, I made sure I never repeated the same mistake again. Thus ‘I love you’ has been basically crossed out from my dictionary.

I pad to the hall to open the door. I really don’t want to see anybody right now. I just want to go back to bed and cuddle with Kaoru more. I love these lazy morning and this one was just ruined. Twice.

I open the door and can’t help but gasp.

“Mom?!”

What the hell is she doing here?

“Good morning, Tooru” she nodded curtly at me and stepped inside, pushing me out of her way. I could just stare at her dumbfounded. We barely talked on the phone and if we did, we always ended up arguing. Why the hell would she suddenly drop by unannounced? Not for any good reason, at least I was certain of that.

I close the door and watch her take off her shoes. She had a purse with herself and a coat. No suitcase or anything similar.

She straightened and looked at me finally. I just waited for her to say something. We weren’t on a friendly basis anymore and she knew perfectly well how I felt about her trying to make me leave Kaoru. So this visit was strange to say the least.

“I’m visiting your sister this weekend and decided to stop by and see how you’re doing. She said you were planning to stay at home this weekend.”

Damn my sis! She could have at least warned me!

“Well, are you just going to stand like this? I’d like a cup of coffee, I didn’t have any this morning yet.”

I nod slowly and lead the way. I’m certainly not going to ask her to get out. I don’t want to lose all contact with my parents. If she is willing to try to be nice, I can only gladly help her.

“Were you still sleeping?” she asks after looking me over from head to toe and I nod.

“We don’t have any plans for today, so we slept in.”

At the mention of ‘we’ her face screws up, but she keeps silent. We go to the kitchen and she sits down, while I put on a kettle to boil some water. My every movement is awkward as I feel her eyes on me. I really don’t know what to say to her, so I just try to act normal. I really hope it’s all there is to it – just a friendly visit.

Suddenly I hear footsteps and for a moment my hands freeze in mid-movement. I pray that Kaoru wouldn’t come in only his robe as well or worse, only in his boxers. But when Kaoru appears at the doorstep, he is thankfully fully dressed. The moment he sees my mother he freezes on the stop starring at her.

“Good morning” Kaoru manages to stutter and glances at me confused.

My mother just nods curtly at him and turns her head away as if from some very unpleasant sight.

“Come in, Kaoru, we’re going to have coffee. Would you also like coffee or do you want tea?”

“Coffee is fine.”

He nears the table slowly and sits as far from my mother as he possibly can. And then the silence sets in between the three of us.

My back is turned to them and I feel relieved that I don’t have to look her in the face at least for now. We really have a hard time talking to each other. But me and my mother at least try, because my father basically pretends I don’t exist anymore.

“Is the Satou family’s bakery still working?” my mother asks unexpectedly and I turn to look at her. I have to actually think for a moment before I answer.

“Yeah, it is. We sometimes go to buy some fresh buns for breakfast from them.”

“Mmm, yes, I remember their cheesecakes were the best. I’d love to have some of their freshly baked buns right now…”

“I could quickly go buy some!” Kaoru offers immediately. It’s not surprising – he wants to please my parents and make them like him. And I bet he also wants to get out of here at least for a few minutes.

My mother seems to be thinking for a moment and glances at Kaoru shortly.

“I wouldn’t want to bother you” she says coldly and Kaoru opens his mouth to protest, but she silences him with lifting her hand in front of his face and turning to look at me. “Tooru, could you run down to buy my favorite cheesecake for me? They usually have it. You know the one I like? I don’t remember how it’s called.”

Is she serious? Does she even really care about some stupid cake? Or am I just being paranoid?

“Well, if you don’t want to go, it’s ok…”

“No, I will. I’ll change and go right away.”

“I can go with you, Kyo” Kaoru offers and stands up.

“Kyo will do this quicker alone” my mother says and Kaoru sits down defeated. He would now do lots of things just to try to make her like him. Poor Kao. I don’t really want to leave him alone with her. But it will only take some ten minutes, so he’ll be fine.

“I’ll be back soon” I smile at him and go out of the room. I run upstairs and change, grab some money and head out. I try to be fast, because I know Kaoru is having a shitty time sitting alone in the kitchen with my mother who hates his guts with passion.

Poor Kaoru.

***

The moment we hear Kyo close the front door, she turns to look at me and her face is hard and full of spite. And that moment I understand that she was just pretending to be nice to me while Kyo was here. If that could be called ‘nice’ at all, that is.

“I’ll say what I want right this instant because Tooru will be back soon. So listen carefully, Niikura-san.”

The way she calls me by my surname always makes me feel the lowest scum on earth. I don’t think I could name a person who hates me more than she does. And I was stupid enough to believe she came to try to mend the situation and be nicer to me.

“I see that you’re not backing off and that you’re still sticking up with Tooru.”

“I love him---“

“Don’t interrupt me while I talk!” she raises her voice and I shut up. What’s the point? She doesn’t want to hear any other truth except hers.

“How much do you want to get in exchange of leaving Tooru at peace?”

I blink stupidly at her. What?

She seems to be waiting for an answer though.

“What do you mean?”

“How much money do you want? There’s a price for everything. We’re prepared to pay whatever you want if only you left him and moved out.”

I stare at her shocked thinking that perhaps I didn’t hear her right. But she watches me carefully waiting for my answer.

“I’m not going to leave Kyo. Not for money, not for anything else.”

“We can give you twice as much as this house costs. Wouldn’t that be already good enough?”

“I am not going to leave Kyo. And especially not because you pay me for that!”

“Then what do you want in exchange of Tooru? What is it that you want?”

She looks at me desperately and I can only shake my head. She is crazy. This is the only explanation I have. I’d never imagined she’d offer me money for her son!

“I want nothing from you! And I’m not leaving him! Ever!”

She throws me a look so full of hate that I almost cringe. Almost.

I’ve faced them before and I’m always prepared for the worst when I meet her or Kyo’s father.

She seems to want to say something more to me but I don’t give her the chance. I turn around and storm out of the kitchen. I try not to slam our bedroom door when I go in, and then just fall on the bed.

“Fucking bullshit…” I murmur, clenching my fists. This is so fucked up.

I lie there for some time, just trying to calm down. Then I grab the cigarettes from the bedside table and open the bedroom window. I need a smoke. I need it badly.

My fingers soon freeze and it gets hard to hold the cig between them. It’s a cold January afternoon after all. Not the best time for smoking outdoors.

I manage to smoke four cigarettes when the door silently opens and I turn to see who it is, pleading silently in my mind for it not to be Kyo’s mother.

But I see Kyo standing in the doorway, looking upset. He eyes me carefully and comes to stand near me. His fingers feel warm on my cold ones as he takes the cigarette from my hands and puts it out. Then he closes the window and sights.

“What happened, Kaoru? What did she tell you?”

I study his face carefully and can only make a conclusion that she didn’t say anything to Kyo. Well, it’s better this way. No need for him to know any of that.

“The usual shit…” I shrug, trying not to look too pissed off.

Kyo sights again and intertwines his fingers with mine, clasping his palm tightly to my one.

“It’s OK, Kyo, forget it. She just said the same shit as always – leave Kyo, go away, give him back his house. The usual bullshit.”

For some reason today Kyo seems to get even more upset over that. Usually he would get angry, but today he seems to take it all to heart.

“I wish they would leave us alone” Kyo says and his voice is heavy with sadness. “I don’t want to lose my parents over that. I don’t want to be forced to choose my parents or my lover…”

What the fuck can I say? I wish he didn’t have to choose either.

I push him closer to me and hug him lightly, kiss his forehead and inhale his scent. He smells like Kyo and I love this smell. It’s mysterious, ancient and mature, sweet but with a certain sharp edge to it. I don’t know why, but it always reminds me of Kyoto. I always think this is what the scent of Kyoto might be – fresh, but mature, sweet, but at the same time bitter.

“Maybe they will come to their senses one day” I try to be optimistic. Though we both know it’s all one big fat lie.

“Maybe…” Kyo sights and snuggles deeper in the embrace.

“Is she gone already?” I have to make sure. I feel him nod and I can’t help but breathe easier. We’re alone again.

She ruined the morning, but it was turning out into a fight anyway, so what the hell. We have to try to make up for it at least now.

“What do you want to do today?” I ask him, looking down at his blond locks.

I feel him shrug.

“We now have a huge piece of cheesecake in the kitchen. Let’s finally eat. And then… I don’t know. My mood is spoilt today and I don’t want to do anything at all.”

“Breakfast sounds just fine” I reassure him and we head to the kitchen.

We didn’t manage to relax fully that day after all. I constantly stopped to listen thinking I heard the doorbell ring again. But she didn’t come back. And we spent the whole day just busying ourselves around the house. There always were things to be fixed and cleaned, dishes to be washed and laundry to be done. And I still had some work to do, even though I promised myself I wouldn’t even think about it today.

At the end of the day, when we finally went to bed and switched off the lights, Kyo cuddled up to me and I immediately felt more relieved than I was during the whole day. I hugged him loosely with my left hand and kissed his forehead lightly.

“Goodnight” I whispered.

“Night” Kyo murmured.

I felt his smaller frame press to my one and couldn’t help but sight in content. I just knew I would sleep well tonight again. Cause I only needed Kyo by my side. And it felt damn good to have him.

It still felt too damn good.

TBC

So yeah, the sequel… This time it is more or less planned out fully, so I know where I am going with this. And I hope it will not be too long, though it is hard to tell at this point. But I hope not to have more than 10 chapters *keeps fingers crossed* ^^

Also, I would like to add that the sequel is not going to have any huge or too interesting events happening >_< I guess it might be kind of boring >_< Though, on the other hand, Blurry Days might also be said to be boring as there wasn’t anything really happening there as well… I don’t know >_< The sequel is going to basically have a few things I still had to figure out and put in that were left off in Blurry Days :)

As for this chapter… I have a few doubts over a couple of issues they were talking about in the morning, but I tried to make it as natural and logical as I possibly could. So I hope the first chapter was OK :) Not perfect, but OK >_<

And this time I’m not sure I will be able to pull off quick updates as last time, but I hope those of you who will be reading, will be patient ;)))

So… I’d really love to hear your thoughts on this ^^ Comments are very much welcome! :)
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White Nights