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Forever	By : fadingsummer Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Röyksopp Views: 859 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not know the members of RÃ¶yksopp, and this is a work of fiction. I do not make any money by writing this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Forever
- 1
Svein Berge & Torbjørn Brundtland. My magnum opus.

Written in two days of hazy obsession.
***
I'm restless. I sit on the couch, doing nothing. I constantly get up, take a look out of the window, see how the snow is twirling down, go upstairs. My old pictures and posters have never left this room. I look through old notebooks, skim some pages of homework I wrote years ago. It's impossible for me not to be intrigued by the little scribbles I wrote inbetween answers, or the sketches that are, mostly, left unfinished.
The heat inside is dry, and I walk around coughing. The only conclusion I can come up with at around eight is that I should have come home sooner.
Nothing much has changed about the material world around me. But I know that I have neglected to see this place's history through. Of my time in this town, a whole year is missing. That means I have missed out, and am no longer a vital, living part of everything here. I should be very happy with the memories I still have.
I look around, my eyes not registering much anymore. I drop my notes. They fall on the floor. The silence grows, becomes a buzz in my ears, until it's so loud it's deafening. I falter the two steps to my bed.
I'm still on the bed, but how long have I been here? I remember what happened and shut my eyes again. I can't escape. Now that I've started remembering, my mind decides to go all the way. The worst thing is that it was a day like this one. Minus eight degrees. It got a bit warmer in the late afternoon. It was snowing by seven. And it didn't stop until... I know this. I checked my watch. It stopped at about half past five in the morning.
My emotions were changing every hour. At first, I was excited because I was looking forward to Jonas's birthday party. Then, I was nervous because I had no idea how to act and who to be. I was seventeen, after all. I was relieved I was going there with Svein. We arrived, and the initial excitement returned. There were some girls there, too, and some of them I knew. The atmosphere was reasonable. I spent most of the time discussing music with Svein, though. I tried to talk to some girls, but there were only two who actually seemed interested, and even then, conversations died after four, five sentences. When Jonas suggested going into town, everyone seemed relieved. It was getting difficult to get anywhere because of the pile of snow on the streets. My socks became wet within the first steps, but I didn't complain about it like the girls did, who were screaming and laughing all the way to the bar we ended up in.
Just when I was getting warm again, standing in a corner, Svein mumbled something about Marit.

'What did you say?' I said.

'Marit,' he repeated. 'She's nice, isn't she?'

I tried to remember which one she was. Probably the one who had made the funniest remarks about her freezing feet. 'I guess.'

'I like her, you know? I know her from elementary school, and she was kind of annoying back then, but she's changed now.'

'Mm,' I nodded.

'I kind of wanna go there and try my luck.'

I didn't understand him. But I knew what he meant when I saw him getting closer and closer to her, as they ordered drinks together as the minutes passed. I talked to a few guys who had been at the party, but constantly kept an eye on them. At a particular moment, they walked away from the other girls to talk in the corner we had been standing in before.
'I gotta go,' I said. Some of the other guys agreed. They lived somewhat out of town, as well, and it would be for the best if we left early. If the snow got any worse, we wouldn't be able to go home. So we got up and searched for our coats. Vincent and Artur had to go the other way, through the main street.

'See you at school,' we said, and as they turned around a corner, I started the walk home.
'Torbjørn,' someone called.

I turned around, but it was difficult to see further than a few metres.

'You can't possibly go home on your own in this weather,' he said, and walked in my direction. It was probably Svein. I smiled involuntarily when I recognized him.

'I can make it, I've done this in worse weather,' I tried to assure him.

'No,' he said. 'It's a stupid plan.'

'But I've got to get back home. I promised my parents.'

'You can come with me. We'll give them a call.'

Svein lived downtown. It was only a few minutes from where we were. We usually went there after school, if we couldn't finish our discussions and plans there. Svein had a keyboard.
'But we'll have to set up a bed and all, in the middle of the night. It's already past one...'

'They won't mind. They know you, it won't be a problem. Come on.'
We went the same way as the other guys had gone.

'Mom always says how nice you are. You could wake her up at four in the morning and she wouldn't mind, really.'

'Really. Did I make that good an impression?'

'You're always polite. And you help out with the dishes.'

'Well, yeah, I'm used to doing that.'

'Either way, she adores you, so we can do whatever we want.'

'In that case, we should record some more.'

Svein laughed. 'Mom, you don't understand. Inspiration only comes at night.'

'It does, actually. And I'm not tired at all.'

'We can do it tomorrow.'
We were about halfway now. Svein had his arms wrapped around his chest to shield himself from the cold. The wind, that had turned and was suddenly blowing in our direction, made everything worse. The snow was flying in our faces and we hardly saw where we were going.
'So, where's Marit?' I yelled at him over the sound of the wind.

'She's staying at a friend's house tonight,' Svein answered after a few seconds. 'why?'

'Nothing. Nevermind,' I said.

'I wasn't going to take her home or anything,' Svein said, recognizing the subtle changes in my voice and immediately understanding what I meant. 'You shouldn't do that with girls you've only just kissed.'

'Oh, did you?'

I couldn't see him, but I imagined Svein grinning in my mind. 'Yeah.'
I didn't know what other guys said to their best friends when they told them they had just kissed a girl they liked. Maybe I should congratulate him, or ask him about it. I didn't. I wondered what it was like, but felt uncomfortable talking about a subject I knew close to nothing about. And besides, I had never wanted to talk with Svein about any of this. Me and Svein talked about music, films, tv shows, classes, homework, our families, everything, but not about this. It was as if we had crossed a boundary- as if Svein had crossed a boundary, leaving me standing on the other side. Svein had kissed a girl. Marit. Why Marit? Why kiss her? Why did she kiss him? I just couldn't grasp it. Other boys kissed girls. Not Svein. Not me. I had always thought he was like me.
'Well, we're finally here,' Svein said, slightly out of breath while looking for his keys in his coat. He opened the door and we both went inside as fast as possible. We were trying, but we couldn't be completely silent. We had to shake the snow off of our coats, dry our faces, take off our shoes, lock the door from the inside. On top of that, Svein lived in an old house and the stairs made all kinds of noises when we went to the second floor.
'Thank god we're inside,' Svein said when we were standing in his room. 'Better than walking all the way home, right?'

I felt the delicious warmth of the house slowly defrosting me, and had to agree. He closed the curtains after we had concluded the snow was probably not going to stop anytime soon. I went downstairs and phoned home. I told my dad where I was. It wasn't going to be a problem. Tomorrow was a Sunday, anyway.
'So, your bed,' Svein said when I was back upstairs. 'I actually have no idea how we're gonna do this. The mattress we usually use is in a closet in my parents' room, you know.'

'I can sleep on the couch.'

'But my dad will wake you up at half past six if you do. He has to work tomorrow.'

'Oh.'

'And there is no room for you in the spare room, either.'

I looked at him, finally doubting his plan. Had he even thought this through? He had probably had a few beers.

'You can sleep in my bed, if you don't mind.'

'Huh? Where will you sleep?'

He laughed. 'On the floor. Also in my bed, of course.'

It was like a ball of ice was dropped in my stomach.

'Don't worry, it's pretty big. We'll fit in there, no problem.'

'Okay,' I said hesitantly. But I don't have any pyjamas or something with me, I thought. Not even a fresh pair of boxers. I don't have a toothbrush, either. And you just made out with a girl.
We washed our faces, took turns in going to the bathroom, brushed our teeth (me with a new toothbrush borrowed from Svein's mom). He handed me some of his clothes to sleep in. Without waiting for me, he just slipped out of his own clothes and got changed. I turned around, guessing that changing at the same time was probably for the best, and fumbled around with his shirt. It was a bit too small for me. I stood there, one foot on the wooden floor, one foot on the carpet, tied to the spot as I watched him crawl beneath the covers.
'Come on,' he smiled. 'I can't give you any more room than this.'

I walked to the other side of the bed, each step requiring more effort than climbing a mountain. I laid down and pulled the

cover over my face to hide it.

He turned around to face me, anyway. He pulled the cover from my face and I felt how warm a bed could be, if it had two people in it.
'So, when are you going to buy a good keyboard of your own?'

'When I have money. I don't have much at the moment.'

'I mean, you're good. But you have no way to practise before you get here. We could be so much better!'

'Yeah, that's true. But a good keyboard is expensive, and we might not even go through with this...'

'Hey, never say that again,' Svein said. 'We can do this. It's gonna be great. And what else would we do, anyway?'

'Good point.'

'I thought so.'

'I do have some ideas to work out for tomorrow.'

A big smile appeared on his face. 'Awesome. Will we be able to record it?'

'Hm. Dunno. Maybe.'

He raised his head and let it rest on his left hand.

'Torbjørn, I really think we'll be able to do this, you know? Really.'

I didn't answer, because I wasn't so sure at all. Becoming musicians sounded like a great idea, but were we really that talented? And we didn't even know what we wanted to make yet. Shouldn't we have started way earlier? And on top of all that, we were just two boys from fucking Tromsø. What could we possibly become?
'You don't believe me,' Svein commented on the absent look on my face.

'I'm not sure.'

'I wasn't too sure about myself, either. But you can do it, I'm certain.'

'Really.'

'Yes! Don't look at me like that, I'm not insane.'

'Not insane, but at least more than a bit crazy.'

'Hey Torbjørn, let me tell you this: your insecurity is bringing you dooown, man. You're way better than me. Here, I admitted it. Do you believe you're good now?'

'Hm,' was all I could say. I had the feeling we would be talking like this for a long time, and we wouldn't be sleeping anytime soon. I didn't mind, but I had never been this close to Svein when I talked to him.
'You never really believe me when I say things like this. You should start believing me.'

I shrugged. 'It's not that I don't believe you think so. But you're just the only one.'

'So what?'
I looked him in his eyes, a bit startled by the way he had said that.

'Who cares if I'm the only one? It means everyone else is too dumb to notice it.'

I laughed. Was he serious? 'So you're saying you know better than everyone else.'

'I know you better than everyone else.'

Maybe that was true. He always knew exactly what to say. He always seemed to know exactly how I felt.
'But isn't that part of the problem?'

He looked at me. 'What do you mean?'

'Well... you're kind of the only one I really talk to.'

'You talked with a lot of other guys tonight. And some girls, too.'

'Yeah, but... it's different. I'm not really talking with them.'

'It's probably because you're way too shy.'

'Yes, maybe, but what can I do about that?'

He stared at the blanket, seeming to give that question deep consideration.
'I don't know. It's just how you are. I think you'll lose it when you're older. But yeah, you're right.'

I sighed. 'I wish I could talk with everyone the way I talk with you.'

'Maybe it's because you come across as a bit... closed.'

'Hm, maybe.'

'And a bit weird, too.'

'Weird?'

He laughed. 'Oh yes. You are weird. It's probably because you're gonna be an artist.'

I burst into laughing. 'That means you're just as weird.'

'Yup! But I don't mind as much. You should be more relaxed, stop worrying. Maybe then you'll be able to talk with everyone.'

I was silent for a minute, looking at his ceiling. 'I'll try. I hope I can do it.'

'You can. You know what? I bet you have a girlfriend by the end of the year if you try it.'
I was willing to buy anything he had said before, but now he was pushing it. A girlfriend, yeah right. I couldn't help it, I laughed sarcastically.
'Me?'

'Yeah, you. What's so strange about that? You're not bad-looking or anything.'

I was getting more and more uncomfortable, and felt my entire body go tense. Svein's mattress wasn't giving enough support.

Svein looked at my expression and smiled. But he wasn't laughing at me. I couldn't remember he had ever smiled at me like this before. There was a little hint of pity in it, and a hint of amusement. It made me feel like a child.
'You worry about everything. It's a bit scary to talk with a girl you like, I admit. It's even a bit scary to realize the way you feel about her. But anyone can do it. There must be someone who is right for you and understands you. Maybe not in Tromsø. It's a small place. Well, fuck Tromsø. We should get out of here as soon as possible, anyway.'

'That's easy for you to say.'
Svein could tell me whatever he liked. Girls were a closed area for me. It wasn't just my incapability to function in that area. The entire place didn't interest me. I wasn't like the others, and I didn't want to be. Maybe he was right, and it was Tromsø's fault. Maybe I would do better in a different place. Who knew what things would be like a year from now. But at this particular moment, I couldn't imagine myself the way he did.
'Yes, but I can help you now that I know how I did it. Okay, maybe it didn't really mean much, but it was a start.'

'I'm not you.'

'Hey, do you want me to help you or what?'
No, actually I didn't. I didn't want any help, nor did I need it.
'I just wanna tell you,' Svein laughed and moved even closer. 'It was fun. You should try it too.'

I tried to push him away. 'I doubt it.'

'Well, I guess you can't be sure until you've tried it yourself.'

He was quiet for a moment.
'No, I know you'd like it!' he said.

'I wouldn't.'

'You would!'

'I wouldn't.'

'Are you telling me you wouldn't like this?' he asked, and kissed me. His lips were on mine, and he kept them there for about 10 seconds. They were warm. Really warm. He moved them a little, as if he was taking soft bites out of me. I could clearly feel his tongue, and his teeth too, a little. I thought I would die. I started gasping, and he did the same. I couldn't grasp what had happened, and what this meant. It felt like we were someone else than before. All of a sudden, before we even noticed, he was lying half on top of me, his tongue was in my mouth, and my hands were on his cheeks. I couldn't stop myself. I thought 'I'm never going to lose this blush again', and then, he let go.
'Did you do that with Marit?' I asked.

He shook his head. He looked surprised, somehow. 'Not everything.'

'Then why did you do it?'

He gave me a vacant look. 'I'm sorry. Let's forget about it.'

I wanted to say I could never do that. But I didn't want to upset him, so I said nothing. I think he understood what I was thinking, and he mumbled something about it being better to go to sleep. He turned his back on me and switched off the light, just like that, in a few seconds, and I kept on thinking I had done something wrong. But what could I have done wrong? He had started it all. I thought he had wanted me to react. I stared at the ceiling, my eyes slowly adjusting to the darkness. There was a soft light coming from the streets, reflected by the snow. It wasn't completely true, I thought. I had not kissed him back only because I thought he wanted me to.
I didn't even want to think about the consequences of that fact. And I knew I didn't have the slightest chance of understanding anything at this hour of the night. Nevertheless, I never stopped thinking that early morning.

Svein was still next to me, and that situation alone was keeping me awake. I had the feeling he wasn't sleeping either, at least, not until three. After that, his breath seemed to have become more steady and quiet.
At four, I opened my eyes and realized I must have slept for a while. I felt extremely tired, but as soon as I felt Svein's warmth next to me, I was completely awake again. My mind went everywhere, from school to home, from home to school, from Tromsø to the world, from the stars to the earth, from Marit to Svein, from Jonas to me. I had no idea what had happened, what was about to happen or what I had to do about it. No idea at all.
It took me half an hour of borderline insanity to realize I would go mad if I would stay here, trying not to touch or wake Svein accidentally. So I got out of the bed, slowly and carefully, and walked up to the window. I opened the curtains slightly and saw

the snow had gotten pretty high. It would be a problem for Svein's dad to get out of the door in a few hours. But it seemed to stop- the flakes were very small and were only sporadically falling now. I stood there, waiting for something that would never come (the sunrise, maybe?), until I was certain the snow had stopped falling completely. I yawned. I had to try and get some sleep, no matter what, or I'd be a walking corpse all day tomorrow. I returned to Svein's bed, and this time, I managed to lose consciousness.
Svein got up at ten past ten, and when he got up, he awoke me. I had been terrified of the possibility that he would never speak to me again. After all, who else did I have?
But he saw I was awake and said 'Hey'. It was a pretty normal 'hey', too. He left to the bathroom. I sighed of relief and turned to my side. I don't know why, but I had always thought a first kiss would be different. Not something completely out of this world. Not a moment that gave your entire life a kick in the stomach. I wanted to get out of bed, too, but I felt too dizzy to even move. I wondered how long it would take me to get over this.
Svein's mom called us for breakfast at about ten thirty. We looked at each other kind of awkwardly, and I saw Svein blush a little before he said 'Hurry up then, sleepyhead' and walked down the stairs. I walked to the bathroom, got dressed, washed my face, looked at myself in the mirror. Everything was a haze, but I managed not to fall to my death on the stairs and safely reached the table. We forced ourselves to eat something, and Svein's mom noticed because she had an eye for things like

these. I was glad we weren't alone. What would we have to say to each other?
'Did you have fun at the party, then?' she asked.

I nodded. Svein finished the sandwich he had in his mouth and explained what we had done and where we had been.

'So I reckoned the snow was too dangerous for Torbjørn to go home by himself.'

'It was pretty heavy. You were absolutely right to bring him here.'

She smiled at me, and I took a sip of my tea to feel less uptight.

'Where did you put him? You didn't use the spare mattress. You could have woken me up for something like that, you know.'

Svein gestured, but I couldn't understand the meaning.

'We just slept in my bed. For one night.'

'And you had enough space? Did you sleep okay?'

'It was alright,' I said.

'Good. You can get the mattress next time, Svein, I really wouldn't have minded.'
We cleared the table after we finished eating, and when Svein went upstairs, I followed him. I didn't know where else to go.
'You wanna record something?' he asked.

I shrugged. I had wanted to record yesterday. I wasn't sure if I would be able to play anything in this state of mind.

'I'm pretty tired.'

'Come on, we can try. If we don't try, we'll never make anything.'

He smiled. I smiled back, and when he saw it, his smile became bigger. He wasn't mad at me. I could tell by his eyes.
We sat down in front of the keyboard, in the small hobby room.

'Go on,' he said. I did what he asked, and after a few failed attempts, I remembered the things I had thought of and played them. Mostly they were just small melodies we could play on loop. Because I was getting into it, it didn't take long for me to start improvising. It didn't sound bad, and when I looked at Svein again, he smiled and nodded approvingly.

'It rules. What do you think about this?'

He played me a small melody of himself. I liked it.

'I also want to try sampling one time. We could easily add our own stuff to them and we'd have a track.'

'Do you know how?'

'Eh, I'll think of a way. I can ask some guys I know. We could learn how to add effects to what we make.' He looked at me, sparks of excitement in his eyes. 'We can do it. Us. Together.'
I avoided his eyes, and looked at the keyboard for a moment. Not much had changed. He still wanted me to be a part of his plan. And I still wanted it, as well. I imagined ourselves the way he had done, and my heart sped up. Maybe we really could do it. Why not?
‘We'll try it. Together.'

I nodded. 'Yes.'

'And we'll be a team, right?'

'Yes.'

'Promise me you'll try. And that you won't team up with someone else.'

It was hard to tell if he was being a hundred percent serious. But I was.

'I promise.'

He suddenly laid his hand to my heart. 'Forever?'
His eyes were so sweet. There was nothing I wanted more. I reached out and touched his heart, too.
'Forever.'
We pulled our hands back and both grinned, as if we were sharing a secret again. We had shared so many when we were younger, but this one seemed to be even more important.
'I'm sorry about last night.'

'Me too.'

He laughed a bit. 'Why? It was my fault.'

'Because I didn't stop you.'

'But I think I... kind of knew you wouldn't.'

'Oh?'

'You're way too nice to push me off of you,' he explained, and I realized he meant it.

'And I knew you'd like it.'

I cast my eyes down. Of course I did.

'So I shouldn't have done it. But you know what? I kind of liked it, too. You're better than me.'

I gave him a glance from underneath my lashes.

'I'm just glad you're not mad at me,' he continued. I heard him, but I didn't listen. I looked at his moving lips. At his teeth, visible for only a few moments. At his ears. At the way parts of his hair hid his forehead. I had to know. I had to see, to find out what would happen. If I could never have Svein again the way I had him before, I might as well try if I could have him in another way.
He had liked it. He said he had. It was enough for me.
When I moved in on him, his voice fell silent. His hands moved slightly, as nervous as I was. I wrapped my arms around his neck and the moment we both knew the second kiss was unavoidable, I heard him sigh softly.
This time, it lasted longer. It felt deeper, so much better. In the middle of it, he reached out to me and shyly touched my shoulders, my chest, my waist. I could feel his nails softly clawing my neck. Everything changed again. And even as I was doing it, I wanted to do it again. I wanted to kiss him in the daylight, not just in electric light. In the summer. Outside. In my room. In the snow. In the water for all I cared. He made my lips a bit wet. I was hoping my hand wasn't too cold on his neck.
He suddenly moved back as we heard the sound of someone coming up the stairs. We waited in silence, trying to look like two normal friends again. But no one came in. A door was shut.
'Torbjørn,' he whispered.

I didn't answer. I just stroked his hair.

'We need to stop now.'

His voice sounded different. Sad. I looked at him, and saw I was right. What could I do to make him feel better?

'We really need to stop.'

'Why?' I couldn't stop myself from asking. I saw problems, but I also saw possibilities. Never doing this again wasn't an option to me. Why did he want to torture me so much?

'Maybe... maybe later. Not now. I'm not sure if I want this.'

I didn't understand him. What he wanted was obvious.

'It's not your fault. I just can't do this right now. It would change everything, don't you agree?'

He looked up to me with his big sad eyes.

'You know what we'll do? We'll finish school. We'll move out of Tromsø in a year. We'll be a team. We'll make music together.'

I nodded, a pain spreading from my stomach to every cell of my body.

'We'll be friends. Okay?'

I couldn't speak. I knew what he was saying. It would never be the same. My conversations with Svein would become as forced and awkward as the conversations with everyone else. I didn't want to kill a part of myself, just to be with him. I wanted to be myself when I was with him.
I also knew there was nothing I could do about it.
I went home for dinner. I walked through the snow, in the dark. My parents noticed I was not really listening, not really seeing anything. I told them I was tired. I went to my room and thought I'd go crazy. Maybe not now, maybe not in an hour. But I would.
The school year ended in spring. We left Tromsø to study, to work, to travel. We didn’t go together, and we didn’t make music. I learned to forget. But forgetting is something you can never do perfectly, and when the daylight disappeared, it was the worst. I bought myself a keyboard of my own. I never touched it.
Maybe later.
I get up from the bed, and watch Tromsø from my window. Most of the things I left are still here. I check my watch. I'm not hungry. I put on a warm coat and walk out the door, without telling anyone.
When I have walked for about fifteen minutes, I'm almost at the centre, and I sense snow falling on my head. I walk on. It's probably for the best. I need something to remind me what I'm here for. I walk the same route I used to take, back when everything was right. His street is slippery, and I have to make an effort not to fall on my face. I see his house. I stop behind a car.
I can't do it. I don't know what I want here, I don't know how to explain why I'm standing here. There is nobody on the streets.

It's a Saturday. It's freezing, and I should be at home. I watch my breath as it becomes a miniature cloud before it disappears, unable to move. Maybe I'll turn into a statue if I just stand here long enough.
Someone opens his door.
He still wears these same old shoes.
I realize I'm perfectly visible. I'm standing right beneath a street lamp. But now that I see him, crossing the little garden in the direction of the mailbox, I don't want to hide. There's not much time. And I can't do this any other way.
I run. I try not to, because the street is frozen over and I could break my neck any moment. But I run. He doesn't hear me until I'm almost where he stands, flipping over the letters he just took out of the mailbox. He shivers and lifts his head, about to take a look at the snow, and then he sees me.
I'm out of breath, but not because of the short run. I can't talk now that I'm standing in front of him.
'Torbjørn,' is all that he says. He doesn't sound surprised, or annoyed, or disappointed. He sounds like he did before.

'I got my own keyboard,' I say softly, afraid someone else might hear us.

He smiles, and looks so happy. It feels as if 20 tons have been removed from my shoulders.

'In that case, we should have a jam session tomorrow,' he says. I smile, too, but I feel tears at the same time. My throat is blocked, and I can't make a sound, can't tell him how much I would like that. How much I've missed him. But I lay my hand on his heart, and he understands. He takes a step forward, lets me take him in my arms, and puts his hand on mine.
'Forever,' I whisper in his ear.

He laughs quietly. 'Yes. Forever,' he whispers back.

Wednesday, the 12th of October, 2011

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