Raison D'etre

BY : SakuraiMikiko
Category: Dir en grey > General
Dragon prints: 1564
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Raison D'etre


Part one.


Toshiya froze as he heard the almost silent click of the front door opening, his hand paused midair with the gleaming knife, but then shook as he bit his lip waiting. Waiting to know was it…him? Could it be…him? That…man?


Toshiya sighed a sigh of relief as he heard him take his shoes off, he smiled softly to himself happy and wanting to see him. Dutifully he replied, "Okaeri nasai" whispering as usual and he then continued slicing the vegetables.

"I can't hear you." His voice sounded bored but still it made Toshiya swoon with desire. Trembling he tried to whisper louder, "Okaeri nasai, Kaoru-san."

"That's better."

Then Toshiya relaxed, his tensed up shoulders falling back to their natural position as he returned to the task at hand. He began to hum softly, swaying his hips gently against the bench as he got totally immersed in his thoughts and into cutting and dicing the food up. He was totally ignoring everything else.

"What do you think you are doing?" Kaoru's cold voice rang out in the cool kitchen, Toshiya gasped stopping his hip's motions and his humming. Kaoru's voice sounded so near, so close, he began to feel very scared. He turned with a guilty expression, bowing slightly to the frowning man in the doorway, "Gomennasai, Kaoru-san!" respectively he whispered.

Kaoru crossed his arms across his chest, "Hurry up and prepare dinner. Why are you so slow today?" he sounded and looked grumpy as he looked at Toshiya.

Can't you just hold me, and forget dinner? Can't you just make me feel so good in your arms, make me swoon with desire against your body!

"Gomennasai Kaoru-san." The blue haired man repeated bg agg again.

Roughly Kaoru stepped over walking briskly towards him, Toshiya steeled himself hoping that Kaoru couldn't see that he was shaking!

"Don't keep apologising. Don't keep saying you're sorry. If I wanted a parrot I would have got one, and not married you."

When will you treat me like your wife?

With his knee to Toshiya's groin he gently wedged him against the sink, cupping his chin and lifting it as he looked into his watery brown eyes. Kaoru's eyes were dark warm brown but so serious today.

"Why are you like a scared animal? Am I ever cruel to you?" his eyes looked dangerous now as they closely examined Toshiya's expression. Toshiya's face flooded with a fake smile as he quickly tried to hide the fear.

"Iie." He whispered hiding the fear deep in his heart with the painful…cold memories…he looked so innocent and tender at the moment, pressed up against Kaoru's body…

Kaoru's fingers stroked almost lovingly down his cheek, Toshiya could have melted against him….if he wasn't…wasn't…always…so cold! Quickly Toshiya looped his arms around Kaoru's neck and pulled him in closer to his own body. Toshiya's fingers were icy cold and teasingly they slipped down his collar.

"Hold me…I'm cold…" he whispered looking up into Kaoru's eyes with adoration and love. Slowly Kaoru pulled away, his eyes gleaming with coldness as he raised his knee and cruelly pressed it into Toshiya's groin. Toshiya's mouth opened as he felt the pressure, he thought it was going to stop but it continued pressing until he wailed doubling over…

I love you…

Quickly Kaoru caught him before he crumpled to the floor, looking into his eyes. Toshiya lifted his head looking up into his eyes with pain, his eyes were filled with tears and his lips were trembling with pain. Toshiya kept looking up as Kaoru's arm held him securely, he was looking for a glimmer of something…anything that showed he was still human. It was there in Kaoru's eyes for a few seconds before Kaoru's arms tightened, his arms surrounding him thickly as his arms wrapped to his body and his lips pressing deeply to Toshiya's. Despite the pain flooding his body the kiss was pure heaven as he rubbed his lips and tongue against Kaoru's. But it only lasted a fleeting moment before Kaoru was gone. Only his words remained thick in the confused air…


Making the bassist even more confused as he fell to his knees the agony reclaiming his body. He lay there on the cold tiles for a few moments until he felt the sickness pass and then he stood dizzy a bitter smile across his lips as he continued to prepare dinner…

Maybe I shouldn't be so hopeful when ever he returns…but I can't help but feel excited…


Toshiya hovered to one side of the table a waiting his orders as Kaoru ate silently except for when his chopsticks touched the porcelain bowl with a slight scraping n. Wh. When his bowl was empty he didn't have to say anything but just had to look up and his bowl would be refilled. Quickly Toshiya would rush to his side and refill his bowl with steaming rice or noodles and food. As elegantly and poised as a geisha he poured more sake for Kaoru and waited. Ever hopelessly obedient and hopelessly faithful to his cruel master.

Toshiya bit his lip watching hungrily as Kaoru devoured the food; he must have been staring because Kaoru looked up stopping eating. Kaoru's hand was poised midair with the chopsticks in his hand and a tasty morsel of meat.

"Come here." He commanded lowering his chopsticks as he looked at Toshiya.

Toshiya bowed andefulefully moved over expecting a slap, so expectantly he turned his cheek to face him, ready and prepared for that slap.

"Look at me."

Blinking Toshiya did so, his hands gripping the table cloth so tightly his knuckles turned white as he face Kaoru, his brown eyes flickering with amusement and a tinge of something alien to Toshiya as he eyed the slender bishounen.

"How else can I feed you?" he said with a soft laugh, "Open your mouth…unless you aren't hungry?" quizzically he raised and eyebrow. Toshiya gasped a soft smile crossing onto his lips, he leaned forward obliging, he desperately wanted to sit on Kaoru's lap but that seemed too risky. Slowly he parted his lips, Kaoru's hand rose and he ate the food, leaving Toshiya feeling like Kaoru was only playing a joke on him. Quickly he shut his mouth and hastily straightened up, he was only teasing…he wouldn't want to feed you!

But then Kaoru had scooped up more food and was raising it; gently he took Toshiya's chin in his left hand and pulled it forward kissing his lips and then offering thed. Td. Toshiya smiled and then parted his lips so Kaoru could feed him, why isn't he always like this?

Toshiya smiled slightly as he chewed quickly, he needed that food and doubted if he could have waited for much longer for it! After swallowing the food he bowed, "Arigatou gozaimashita, Kaoru-san." He whispered thankful that Kaoru was being so nice to him, it was these little acts of kindness that meant Toshiya could never ever dream of existing with out him!

"More?" Kaoru asked, mesmerised and watching him, there was kindness and gentleness in his features tonight…but Toshiya still backed off as if Kaoru was offering a prison sentence…

"No thank you, Kaoru-san."

"You don't want me to feed you?" Kaoru sounded a little hurt…

Bravely Toshiya shook his head expecting to be yelled at, but Kaoru didn't do that…

"Fill another bowl. Tonight we'll eat together."

He gasped again and blinked, Kaoru was certainly acting strange these days, Quickly he bowed and thanked him again and then filled a bowl with a meagre portion and then looked up to Kaoru, "where do I sit?"

In all the years that they had been together, Toshiya had never ever sat at the table. He had never dared to even when Kaoru had not been home! It was going to be the first time he ever sat at the table in their house with Kaoru!

"Anywhere is fine."

Bowing Toshiya chose the seat opposite Kaoru's and quickly sat down. He didn't dare look up and look at him and so concentrated on his food eating quickly. It took him some time to realise Kaoru was watching him…

He bows so much…apologises…it seems like the veil of gauze is lifting from my eyes…how cruel have I been treating him…how cold and yet so warm he responds…will he let me reach out to him?

Guiltily Toshiya raised his eyes meeting Kaoru's who was still just watching him. "Keep eating." Kaoru whispered, it was the first time he had ever seen him eat, and he ate so carefully and delicately it was beautiful to watch, however he stood up, "We'll eat together from now on. Every meal." He left the room leaving Toshiya all alone and stunned. When Toshiya finished he quickly cleared the table as he had so many time, but tonight Kaoru had washed and dried his own bowl and chopsticks. Kaoru was just waiting for him by the sink with that malicious grin…

What is going on?


Gingerly Toshiya moved towards the sink with the dirty dishes, Kaoru moved ever so slightly so that Toshiya could wash them. Carefully he did so as Kaoru just watched him, Toshiya felt so strange being watched . It was like Kaoru had suddenly realised that he was a human. Suddenly Kaoru wrapped his arms around him pulling him away, Toshiya screamed as lips and teeth and nipped his neck, but Toshiya calmed as his arms tightened and Toshiya's eyes shut as Kaoru dragged him to their bedroom…

That's all he wants…only ever this…

Sighing he stood silently as Kaoru lovingly undressed him, this was the only time that Kaoru showed the most tenderness and care but that didn't help. Toshiya shut his eyes stopping the tears wishing that for once…he could feel something instead of the numbness deep inside… He showed such compassion as if somehow he knew what had happened to Toshiya…but then cruelly driving into his body and taking him…

Toshiya bit his lips, mentally preparing himself, the only thing he enjoyed was hearing Kaoru's voice…it sounded so divine that was when he wished he too could feel something. But he never could, could he? Not after that time…

"You're so tense, always tense Toshiya…" Kaoru whispered kissing his ear lobe with so much unrequited passion as his experienced hands stroked his lovers body. But his motions never affected Toshiya, he always remained like a wooden doll, stiff and hard and in Kaoru's hands. He never warmed to Kaoru's affections and love, but remained horribly cold, a tear trekked a sad sorry trail down Kaoru's cheek as he buried his face in the nape of Toshiya's neck inhaling his scent.

Why do I have to be your master? Why do you have to be so cold that I need to treat you coldy to stop my fragile heart from shattering…

Toshiya let himself be pushed onto the bed as he always did as Kaoru claimed his body, both men were crying internally…


Tears streaked his cheeks as he woke up, Kaoru smiled that bitter-sweet smand and with shut eyes tried to find Toshiya hoping that maybe this morning he had stayed in the warm bed with him. Hoping that just once, he'd yield to being held in Kaoru's protective and loving arms…just once…couldn't he do that for Kaoru even if he didn't love him! But no…he never was encased in his hold, never remained with Kaoru's arms wrapped around his waist. Kaoru got the impression his arms were shrugged of from his waist with something like hatred and disgust at being touched by him.

Sighing he got up, no use crying again… inside Kaoru's soul was slowly becoming as fragmented and broken as Toshiya's was…they were dying from loving each other too much and not knowing it and if nothing was done soon…it would be too late. Sadly he dressed quickly wondering if perhaps Toshiya was having an affair… Die? Could it be him? If he is…I will kill my self…I could never take it!

Quickly he dismissed that thought not at all wanting to dwell upon it, he left joining Toshiya in the kitchen. Toshiya was re-heating the nights before rice, he bowed seeing Kaoru, "Ohaiyo gozaimasu, Kaoru-san. Did you sleep well?" he politely asked in that monotonous tone used everyday. Kaoru shivered, he had the distinct impression that somehow Toshiya had become a robot, but he never realised that he had crafted the robot himself. He shifted the breakfast food through like a robot and Kaoru blinked…

"I slept ok." He lied, "Did you Toshiya-chan?" he asked with genuine feeling in his tone.

Toshiya paused, he was never usually asked, he stopped thinking and then answered, "Hai. Thank you for asking Kaoru-san."

"That's good." Kaoru whispered, picking up his and Toshiya's chopsticks as well as the soya sauce. He carried it through and then pulled a chair out for Toshiya to sit in. Shocked Toshiya nodded his head as he took the proffered seat. Kaoru then sat, "Shall we eat?"

Toshiya blinked, "Hai, Kaoru-san." And then took his masters bowl dishing up the rice and was so preoccupied with dishing the perfect amount he didn't notice Kaoru taking his bowl and filling it. Toshiya cracked the egg over the rice (*Mi-chan drools…and hears her stomach growl…*) and adding a little soya sauce just enough and thoroughly mixing it. With a smile he looked down and it looked perfect and so he happily placed it and Kaoru's place. He then reached for his bowl and gasped it was full. The yellow raw yolk was lightly coating the rice all mixed in perfectly, Toshiya felt his heartbeat increase as he realised that Kaoru had done that for him! With trembling hands he then poured Kaoru's mugi-cha and then his own.

He then shyly looked up at Kaoru, blinking and blushing, "Arigatou gozaimasu, Kaoru-san!"

Kaoru flashed him a dazzling smile in return, "Aren't you going to eat?" as he picked up his chopsticks beginning to eat.

Everything was dizzily flashing before his eyes, Toshiya felt so bewildered and a little dazed he nodded his head picking the chopsticks up to eat and then eating. The raw egg, rice and soya sauce had never ever tasted so good as it did that morning and Toshiya knew it was because Kaoru had prepared it for him! Toshiya felt so special and a soft tender smile crossed onto his face as he ate…

I wanna kiss you and hold you…you look so radiant and beautiful…but you never love me or want me to do you?


Once again Toshiya was alone, it took him sometime to calm down after his good bye kiss from Kaoru that morning. It had been so long since Kaoru had done that, cradling him waist in his arms and then leaning and passionately kissing him. This time it was not fleeting but long and sweet…Toshiya's body was filled with racing butterflies. He grinned to himself as he watched Kaoru leaving, watching his sexy ass as he walked away from the house.

As much as he loved him, he always felt so good to be home alone! He sighed a deep sigh of relief and regret, he truthfully never knew what he felt for Kaoru! Sometimes hate and most love! Now that Kaoru was gone he could relax. He cleared the table, wiping its unmarred surface with a cloth and then cleaning the dishes. Toshiya finished his chores as a robot would, how long had he been doing this routine?

Pulling the curtains the room became darkened and now he smiled to himself, a sexy teasing smile to the wall as if some one was there. Slowly and seductively he stripped his clothes off…once naked he innocently pressed his hand to the flat plane of his stomach. He ran his hand over his own stomach knowing it was desirable and flat, sighing he forgot the discarded clothes and went through to bath. He ignored the dull throbbing ache in hi slower regions, so used to it already. He stopped seeing his reflection in the full length mirror…

I'm wasted on him! He never admires me!

A tear fell as he saw his youthful face and good looks combined with such a sexy good figure, why can't he love me, like I want to love him! Sighing he turned away from the mirror, unable to see the ugly blood that covered his thighs as he stepped into the warm bath, wanting and needing to immerse himself in it's warm and depth.


Kaoru smiled across to Die, "Hey you wanna come home with me for dinner? Say…tomorrow night? It's been so long since we had you around to visit."

"Yeh…why not? I've not seen Toshiya for ages, and I am sure Shinya would love to catch up." Die paused and thought about it, when exactly was the last time that he had seen Toshiya? He was thinking so hard about it that he did not see the look of alarm on Kaoru's face…

Will he remember that I never take Toshiya out anymore?

"I'll tell Toshiya tonight, I am sure he'll be excited!" Kaoru said with a smile disturbing Die's thoughts before he could think about it too much! "Don't forget to tell Shinya and bring him!" he joked to Die with a playful smile…slapping Die's arm.

"Me? Forget Shinya? Now that's just ridiculous! Hey…how are things with you and Toshiya, you don't talk about him as much as you used to!"

Kaoru turned pale…gulping, "Er…we're fine…" he said smiling fakely, and hoping it sounded realistic! Die's face was so serious as he looked across to Kaoru's face studying it carefully…

"You know if you guys have problems you can always come and talk to me…we've known each other for so long…"

Kaoru nodded his head biting his lip so hard he tasted the metallic taste of blood in his mouth.

I don't share him with anyone! He is mine…only mine…I don't want to talk about him to anyone, incase they fall in love with him…and try to take him from me!

"Problems? Nah…it's just I don't wanna bore you…with our 'trivial' stuff…" Kaoru said with a charming smile and Die nodded understanding…

"Ok…sure. I'll see you tomorrow!" Die said cheerfully whistling as he marched off.

Kaoru sighed a huge sigh of relief as he left, he slumped down onto a park bench enjoying the suns warm rays. A smile crossed onto his face as he thought about Toshiya, Toshiya was like his sun all bright and beautiful and Kaoru could never ever get sick of him! Now he shut his eyes imagining how he dreamed things could be between them! He could almost see it but then a gentle happy laugh filled the atmosphere and he opened his eyes confronted…

Quickly he looked up seeing a happy couple walking hand in hand and laughing softly about everything and nothing…jealousy began to stab his heart, I want that too…but he will never love me will he? Kaoru felt sick with jealousy and longing as he could feel their happiness like one could feel a soft summer breeze, ethereal but not touchable…at least not for Kaoru…

You'll never feel the same as me…you'll never treat me well…or love me…will you? Only if I punish you…

His happy face rapidly changed to a black one filled with anger and some hate for all the happy couples that Kaoru could suddenly see. He blinked unable to believe his eyes almost instantly all he could see was happy couples walking hand in hand together! Quickly he stood and marched home to visit Toshiya.

Balancing the shopping in one hand he opened the door and let it slam behind him with a loud smack. He took his shoes off, "Tadaima." He said sounding angry and upset.

"Okaeri nasai." Came the reply almost immediately from Toshiya. Kaoru sighed and went through to the lounge, Toshiya sounded so happy and carefree. Kaoru frowned stepping into the lounge, it was dark as the curtains had been pulled across and Toshiya's clothes were strewn across the floor rather strategically. It looked like Toshiya had been stripping.

He he he has been! He has been stripping! He sleeps around!

Kaoru nearly cried but then everything whirled in front of his eyes, his thoughts about the happy couples and he quickly felt anger bubbling forth in his body. His eyes narrowed down to little slits and he barked to Toshiya, "Toshiya! What the fuck does this mean? Toshiya! Get in here now!" he screamed as he eyes further narrowed to prevent the tears from falling. Feeling really worried and scared Toshiya tentatively came in, wondering what exactly he had done.

Kaoru waited for no explanation. "Shut the door!"

Quickly Toshiya did so not wanting to incite his anger more, but when he turned Kaoru was right near him glowering angrily at him. Toshiya bit his lip frozen to the spot…

What did I do? I love you, please, don't hurt me!

Kaoru's hand stung out harshly slapping the beautiful man's cheek with such impact there was a slight ringing sound in his ears.

"Kaoru!" Toshiya shrieked trying to cover his face, but the slaps kept landing and landing, until the ringing sound was the only thing he could hear and his eyes could only see a milky white and spinning quickly. rsperspersed with each slap was a dull intonation of, "Slut!" it sounded dull to Toshiya's harshly slapped cheeks but rather it was filled with passion and extreme pain.

Toshiya began to sob, pleading as Kaoru continued to attack him, "Please! Please! Please Kaoru, please stop! I'll do anything."

His words made Kaoru angrier, yeh, just like you would do anything with another man wouldn't you?

Toshiya's eyes widened as with a calculated punch to the stomach he was winded and with a sickening crunch he sank to the floor doubled in extreme agony. Toshiya lay there gasping and trying desperately to breathe as he writhed in anguish on the floor.

Oh! God! What did I do to deserve this? What did I do this time?

Weakly he shut his eyes, as Kaoru walked away from him and then returned with a whip. He knelt down, allowing anger to dominate him as he quickly undressed Toshiya. He then stood leaving him vulnerable and naked on the floor, Toshiya shivered turning onto his back to look up at Kaoru.

He trembled and cried out reaching for Kaoru, but Kaoru was ever the cold master standing there angrily. The whip then began to lash out onto Toshiya and his screams rose into the otherwise quiet night with an eerie quality to them. But they didn't last long as shortly Toshiya blacked out but still Kaoru didn't stop, swearing with each lash of the whip. He couldn't stop until all the anger had left his body.


Toshiya woke up with an ache filling his entire body he couldn't move a muscle as he was chilled to the bone. With a cracked pleading voice, he called out, "Tasukete! Tasukete!" but there was no answer only the almost silent sound of his tears dropping as he began to cry. Toshiya shivered, letting the tears fall down his beautiful face, he wished that Kaoru would come and hold him tight. He wished he could for just one moment be loved by him!

What did I do to deserve this? Was it because I love you? I still love you Kaoru!

He tried to move again, but he couldn't so as tears streamed he tried to sleep again…dreaming only of a world where Kaoru loved him, and never hurt him.


end of part one. ;___;


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