Aberrance

BY : Memento_Mori
Category: Dir en grey > Het - Male/Female
Dragon prints: 8186
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

The sky was a dismal grey and the rain poured down heavily, as if mimicing her own emotions. Jae sighed as she stared out the window. Rain always made her think of him. Him being her childhood friend, Tooru Nishimura, known to most everyone else as Kyo, the strange vocalist of Dir en grey. It's been almost fifteen years, Tooru, and not a word from you. Could you have forgotten me? she wondered to herself. A loud crack of thunder brought her out of her musings and she scowled up at the sky before slowly turning and walking from the window. She glanced at her watch. "Shit! I need to get dinner started! Tristan will be home from school soon!" As if on que, the door swung open and in walked a boy of about fifteen.

"Hey mom, I'm home!"

"Hey hun, I'm afraid I got a little distracted so I havent even started dinner." The boy laughed before replying.

"It's ok mom, I work tonight remember? I'll just eat when I get there". She smiled and nodded.

"How could I forget? Why don't you go get changed and we'll head over to the club". Tristan gave his mother a small smile and headed towards his room to get changed.

In a hotel across town, a sad pair of brown eyes stared up at the sky with reprehension. He had been this way since they arrived earlier that afternoon. Everyone had decided it was best to leave him to his own devices after witnessing the pensive look on his face. Kyo wished with all his might that he could throw up. If nothing more, perhaps it would make the annoying lump that formed in his throat go away. He was finally going to see her after fifteen long years. Jae. His saving grace. His beautiful one. The one he had convinced himself he never deserved in the first place. So he pushed her away, telling himself it was for the best, all the while his heart only half believing the incredulous lie. He promised her he would get in touch after he got settled. He broke that promise and her heart, he just knew it. The guilt washed over him like a tidal wave. He rested his head against the window and tightly closed his eyes in an attempt to will it away. Suddenly he heard her voice in his head. Don't be so hard on yourself, Tooru. He screwed his eyes shut even tighter as a lone tear made its way down his cheek and the guilt became damn near unbearable. A soft click of the door being opened behind him caused him to turn swiftly. Wiping the tears from his face he stared wide eyed at the sight of Toshiya's lanky form in the doorway.

Regarding him with a look somewhere between puzzled and concerned Totchi asked, "Hey man you ok?" Letting out the breath he hadn't realized he was holding Kyo managed a soft, forlorn response.

"Yeah Totchi, I've just got a lot on my mind today". And for the past fifteen years he thought but didn't dare to voice it aloud, lest he open the floodgates to a plethera of emotions he wasn't prepared to share with anyone just yet. Offering his friend a small smile, Totchi bridged the gap between them and enveloped Kyo's diminutive frame in a warm hug.

"We're going to be heading out for the club in about five minutes. Kaoru asked me to tell you that we're all meeting in the lobby". Kyo nodded into Totchi's chest as he returned the hug. Totchi pulled back slowly and regarded Kyo before ruffling his hair and smiling. "Let's go before Kao comes up here and drags us both downstairs by our ears." Kyo managed a smile and a small laugh as he got a mental image of the aforementioned action. Soon they were heading downstairs towards the car that was waiting.

Jae paced back and forth in her office like a caged animal. Tristan suggested she go up there because she looked stressed. Ha. He didn't know the half of it. He insisted that he could handle things downstairs seeing as the club hadn't started to get busy just yet. He always took such good care of his mother, especially since he was older now and viewed himself as the man of the house. And Jae gave him nothing less as his mother. They only had each other and she'd like to think their bond was unbreakable because of that fact. Her parents helped out of course, but for the most part it was just the two of them. Heaving a sigh she glanced down nervously at her watch. They should be here any minute, I better go down and make sure Tristan is okay she thought. Ignoring the knot that had formed in her stomach, she locked up her office and headed downstairs to find her son.

In a dimly lit corner of the club, Tristan was attempting to deal with his own emotional turmoil. He was finally going to see his father, face to face, instead of on television. He wasn't sure which he was more of- excited or scared. He was unsettled and hated every minute of it. Not that he thought his father would be a jerk, quite the opposite actually. He had a profound sense of respect for this man he'd never met but wouldn't hesitate to call father if the opportunity ever presented itself. He attributed that to all the stories his family told him. When he was younger, hearing stories about his father always gave him a sense of comfort which he assumed was just a product of him being young and naive. As he grew older, he realized that hearing and talking about his father made him feel closer to him somehow. The pain he felt could be lulled to a dull ache with a story from the days of Kyo's youth. Tristan held his head in his hands as his anxiety escalated to him being completely terrified. What if he hated him? Worse yet, what if he already had a family and had no interest in letting him and his mother be a part of it? He knew he was being foolish, because he knew his father to be one of the kindest, most understanding, and caring people to ever grace this earth. But there was a nagging voice in the back of his mind that seemed to prey and thrive on every doubt and fear Tristan had. And right now it was being particularly vile and taunting him without mercy. He sucked in a breath and looked up just in time to see Kaoru walk in the door, the rest of the group and various business people in tow. His eyes quickly landed on Kyo, who apparently found something on the floor very interesting, as he hadn't looked up since entering the club. Tristan's heart swelled until he thought it would burst from his chest. He supressed the sudden urge to run and wrap his arms tightly around Kyo and yell "Daddy!" like a damn five year old. He didn't know which would be worse- the humiliation and embarassment he would feel afterwards or the Who the fuck are you? look he was sure he would receive. "Idiot" he muttered.

As Jae walked up to Tristan she heard him whisper 'Dad' and then he heaved a sigh. She put her hand on his shoulder comfortingly and followed the direction of his longing gaze. She barely saw the others, her eyes knowing their target and honing in on it with ease. Why does he look so sad? she wondered. Her heart lurched and she willed away her body's primary instinct to go to him, wrap her arms around him, and whisper to him that everything was going to be alright. She looked down at her son and was surprised to see his eyes glistening with unshed tears. She knelt down so she could look him in the face.

"Oh sweetie" she said sadly and pulled him into a hug. Tristan quickly latched onto his mother and as badly as he wanted to cry, he refused to do so, knowing it would make his mother cry and the last thing they needed was an emotional outburst at a time like this. He would be strong for her because he knew she was having just about as much trouble. if not more, keeping herself together. He finally pulled himself together and slowly let go of his mother.

"This is the part where I make like a tree and get the fuck out, right?" he laughed a little and smiled. Jae knew he was anything but happy. She knows that trick too well. Laugh while you're crying inside. Kyo used to do that all the time.

She shook her head and mumbled "So much like your father." Tristan's face turned serious and he nodded. He got up to head towards the back until the meeting was over. His gaze never left Kyo, fearing if he looked away the man he had grown to respect and love would disappear forever.

Kyo slowly lifted his eyes and glanced around the club. At first there was no sight of her but as he continued to scan the club his eyes landed on her familiar face. He suddenly found it hard to breathe and his heart felt heavy in his chest. He didn't know what to do or how to act. None of his bandmates knew that Kyo and Jae were best friends. They weren't even aware the two knew each other, making it very hard for Kyo to be able to go to her and hug her tightly, refusing to let go, which he would be more than okay with but it really wasn't the time or place for such actions. He also had her feelings to consider. Assuming she didn't hate him, he was sure she would like some form of acknowledgment. Their eyes met, but only for a moment, before Jae turned her eyes away. In that instant, memories flooded his brain. Every feeling he had ever felt and all the words he never said propelled him into a familiar state of self loathing. The fact that she turned her eyes away from him wasn't helping either. He started second guessing himself in every situation having to do with her. The notion that she hated him was becoming more realistic in his mind with every passing second. Kyo was vaguely aware that they were moving closer to her. Soon he would be face to face with the one person he could never forget. With every passing second, the optimism that was barely hanging on by a thread quickly slipped away, leaving behind nothing but guilt, anxiety, and every other wretched emotion he never wanted to feel. Soon they were all seated in a large round booth that was somewhat secluded from the others. He would give anything to be Die right now, but he somehow got stuck on the opposite side of the table from her. He wanted nothing more than to bask in the warmth he knew was there. Perhaps he would be able to relax if he were in Die's position, so close to the woman that had given him everything and wanted nothing in return. He wanted to cry and tell her how sorry he was. He wanted to beg her to not hate him, possibly give him a chance to prove himself to her, to get back in her good graces. Obviously, he did none of these things. He just watched her with intense eyes, savoring every smile and hanging on her every word. How much did she have to endure in his absence? How much did she suffer at his expense? He wanted, no, needed, to know how much pain he caused her, so he would know how much to inflict on himself. He would punish himself to death if that is what she wanted. Besides, if she hated him, what would be the point of living? He couldn't bare to see her look at him with cold eyes, it would kill him. All he ever wanted was to make her proud of him, to give back to her at least a little for all the years she stood by him while everyone else called him a freak. You also want her to love you, the annoying voice in his head pointed out. As much as he tried to ignore it and fight it, in the end it was true. Somehow without him knowing it, he had fallen completely and hopelessly in love with his best friend.

Jae noticed the troubled look on Kyo's face. She was also aware of his intense gaze burning a hole into her the entire night. Something was definately wrong and she intended on finding out what it was. She just hoped it was something she could help him with, she hated seeing her best friend this way.

The meeting had ended and only Kyo and Jae remained at the table. The others had made their way towards the bar to have one for the road before last call. Kyo began to fidget and that was all it took for Jae to slide over and sit next to him. The fidgeting ceased but she noticed him tense and stiffen up like he was terrified of her. This was bad, very bad. She didn't understand. He had always been so comfortable around her before. He had actually told her once that being in her presence comforted him. His head was down and he refused to make eye contact. Jae frowned deeply. She remembered this look all too well. This was what his behavior was like after his parents had beaten or abused him. Sometimes she would sit with him for hours until finally she had cajoled him enough for him to snap out of it.

Tentatively, she reached out and took his hand in hers and whispered, "I'm so proud of you, Kyo". His head jerked upwards so fast she was afraid he may have hurt himself as he stared at her wide eyed with something she recognized as shock. He muttered a quiet 'thank you' before slowly pulling his hand away and saying something about having to go before the guys left without him. There was a chill in the air that numbed her to the core. Staring at the door he walked out of, silent tears ran down her cheeks as she realized that even when they were inches away from each other they were still hundreds of miles apart. Jae had never felt so alone.

Tristan slid to the floor from the doorway where he had kept a silent vigil over the nights proceedings. Everything he had just witnessed left him in a haze. He felt completely numb. The coldness that had formed around his heart was suffocating any hope he had left. Sitting on his knees, he absentmindedly stared at his hands in his lap. He was acutely aware that something inside him had been broken, and that it may have been damaged beyond repair. It scared him that he wasn't bothered by this in the slightest. He wasn't mad at his father for what just occured, but he was certainly taken aback by the lack of contact between him and his mother. She had tried but it seemed he wanted no part of it. But Kyo did seem to be acting strangely all night, perhaps he was numb too. Was apathy an inherited trait? Shaking with raw emotion, he drew in a ragged breath. He was so drained from staving off his need to cry. He curled up in a ball as another wave of despair hit him full force.

Jae rounded the corner and almost tripped over the heap that was her son on the floor. His head was resting on his knees, which had been pulled up tightly against his chest and his arms were draped around shielding his face from view. Jae had never felt so helpless. She felt like a failure. She had always managed to help Kyo on her own until now. Clenching her jaw she thought, I have to be better, I have to DO better. When did she become such a spineless coward? Before, she never would have left Kyo leave in the state he was in. She would have sat with him until the problem was solved. What made her let him get away this time, to let him attempt to deal with this on his own? When they were younger she always told him that they were in this life together, no matter what happened. In a moment of weakness, she faltered, distracted by her insecurities. Now look at them, they were all a broken mess. She wouldn't make that mistake again. Looking down at Tristan with a newfound resolve, she swore to herself that she would fix her family, if it was the last thing she did. Sitting down next to her son, she pulled him into her arms and kissed the top of his head.

"Lets go home ok?"

The car ride home was silent, its occupants lost in their own thoughts. Upon entering the house, both felt a sense of emptiness, like something was missing, or in their case, someone. Strange that they should feel this way now, but then again perhaps not, seeing as how now he was actually in the same city holed up in some hotel somewhere, instead of here with them, where he should be. Jae walked into the den and flopped unceremoniously on to the couch, with Tristan soon following suit. For a while, they just sat next to each other in silence, but that silence was soon broken and the sound of restrained crying could be heard. Looking to her right, Jae noticed tears running down her sons' cheeks. She quickly pulled him to her and he clung to her fiercely as his body was wracked with gut wrenching sobs. She wrapped her arouns around him and rubbed his back soothingly but her composure was quickly slipping. Silent tears ran down her cheeks as she tried her best to comfort her son, who was crying into her neck and whispering why over and over. His whispering soon turned to wailing until they were both crying as loud as they could. This continued for about an hour until they were tired of crying and feeling so helpless and lonely. The silence returned but it was more comforting now. Tristan was curled up against his mother and she was rubbing circles on his back. He wondered what Kyo was doing, if he was feeling the same way they were. He felt a sadness well up in him at the thought of his father having to go through what they just did alone. He had to voice his concern.

"Mom, do you think dad is ok? I mean should we go check on him or something?" The question caught her off guard. She would love nothing more than to go check on him, but she wasn't sure it was a good idea.

"We can't check on him, I didn't ask which hotel they were staying at. I'm sorry honey. Don't worry, I'm going to fix this. I'm going to fix us all. I'm going to fix everything, I promise". Tristan lifted his head and looked at his mother. She wasn't looking at him but he could clearly see the determination in her eyes. And the fervor with which she spoke caused some of the coldness around his heart to be replaced with something he hadn't felt in a long time- hope.


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