What I Cannot Have

BY : totaljammer
Category: J-Rock/J-Pop & K-Pop > Dong Bang Shin Ki
Dragon prints: 667
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dong Bang Shin Ki. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Title: What I cannot have
Pairing: JaeMin, background Yoosu, mentioned JaeHo
Rating: Ahh not so descriptive NC-17? Tehe
Summary: Changmin POV. Changmin is troubled watching love around him, why can he not feel the love others have? Can he find love?


Junsu lays sprawled out across Yoochun's lap cozy and warm. Just looking at his peaceful face you can almost hear him purring in contentment as his lover strokes his fingers through Junsu's silky black hair. It won't be long before Junsu falls asleep and Yoochun is never far behind his lover. Those two have been inseparable since they day they first met years ago. Friends, lovers, and so much more. There isn't a level they don't connect on. Watching them so happy and perfect together I wonder if fairy tales of soul mates are not just tales of fancy to fool young children into hoping for something they can never have but are really real.

Do I have a soul mate? Will I ever be as happy as those two? My eyes watch as Junsu finally slips into sleep. I can see into Yoochun's eyes, I can see a love there, so strong and true. No. I don't think I'll ever be loved that deeply and it hurts, but just watching their fairy tale romance brings me hope and fills me with joy.

I'm realistic, probably the only band member who isn't caught up in fairy tales and the high life...Yoochun lovingly brushes a stray hair from Junsu's face, kissing his pale skin...but watching them makes me yearn for more than I have, more than I can ever hope to have. I wish I could cast away my thinking mind and just feel as the others do...to be free to think not of consequences, or what may be at the end of the road and just enjoy the hear and now.

I sigh as arms wrap around my shoulders pulling me into a gentle embrace, I let my head slide back to rest on a warm shoulder.

"Changmin, how many times have I told you not to watch those silly love birds?" Jaejoong's angel sweet voice calls into my ear sending chills down my spine. "It will do you no good to just watch the lovers, you need to feel love of your own." Easy for you to say, you have Yuhno....but I don't say it, you have hurt enough and I don't need to add to it. Instead I nod slightly in accent to the older man's wisdom and let him pull me away. Conflicting thoughts and emotions keep me silent, so much I want to say, and so little I actually can. Oh the woes to a great mind.

Jaejoong turns me to face him, his perceptive eyes seem to peer into my soul stealing away all the things I cannot say, he smiles a little sad smile in understanding. Jaejoong knows what it is to want what you cannot have, he knows how it hurts and tears you up to see others so perfectly happy with everything in the world, when you can only watch wanting just a taste...just a small taste, just to know how sweet what you'll never have can be. Jaejoong just looks at me, understanding me. Maybe I'm wrong, there is someone else who understand, who thinks before he feels. Jaejoong's sad knowing eyes break a barrier inside me and before my mind can stop me I'm kissing him.

So much for the consequences, I pour all of my repressed passion and need into a hot pressing of lips, my hands crush his slim body against mine desperate to hold onto this, onto him. I need to feel love, even if I know it can't last. My heart leaps in foolish joy when I feel him kissing me back, pressing me closer with barely contained passion. My mind is screaming at me to stop, at how wrong this is, how Jaejoong will regret this...regret me, but I can't! It feels too good to stop, wanting and being wanted back, if anything my touches grow even more wild. I am desperate to have him before he can regret it. I want to him to feel my love, and to feel his, even if it is only for a night.

For just one night I can pretend he is mine, and I am his. I don't want to forget this, this night when we are not hyungs, we are not band mates, or friends. Tonight we are lovers overflowing with passion and desire. His passion rivals even my own as he throws me to his bed shedding me of clothing and attacking my skin with his talented mouth wringing moans from deep within me. The sensation of being wanted is almost too much, it hurts so good. It's not long before his practiced talents have me withering atop the sheets, driven wild by sensations I never even dreamed of.

He wants me. I can see, I can almost taste his desire for me, I moan as his deep eyes devour me. Wanting and waiting for him, I may have started this sin but he has dived headfirst into it; intensifying our pleasure and later our guilt...but for now all I can think of is how much I want to join with him, to really feel connected.

"Please.." I beg out in a whimper breaking the silence of sin, asking, needing him to accent. I know lust clouds his mind, but he is not so far gone to not know what he is doing, and yet he is willing take me. Jaejoong makes me his. This night he loves me as much as I love him. We rock together in harmony and rise high as one in climax. Passion spent coming off of the lusty high he falls onto my chest still burred deep within me. I enjoy his slight weight atop me, the slick sweat between our bodies and the smell of our love.

It makes it real, our love was real, even if only for a night. I try so hard to fight off sleep, desperate to hold onto every moment together with him. I fear the morning and the guilt I know will be in his expressive eyes, the distance between us. I don't want to be alone again, but he has Yuhno and I'm helpless to compete...he loves him, not me. I am helpless when sleep pulls me, taking me away from Jaejoong's warm embrace and into the land of dreams that could never be.

*****

"Wake up sleepy head...I know you had a busy night but its late you need to get up." An angel's voice calls me from the land of dreams...I feel a warm body pressed against mine...must be another dream, a good one. The body shifts against mine and I feel slender fingers pet me face lovingly, a low whisper I almost don't catch, "Ah I love you...what I am going to do?" All thoughts of dreams and sleep rush from my mind, love?

Love? I am loved? I cannot pretend to sleep with my heart beating so wildly in my chest, I open my eyes and look into Jaejoong's eyes. They smile down at me, and I can see love there, love for me! My heart soars so high I think I'll never see it again. I wrap my arms around Jaejoong pulling his head down against mine, crushing our faces together in a kiss then squeezing him into my chest unwilling to let go.

Soft angelic laughter tickles my shoulder, and I let him up.

"Changmin, who know you could be so adorable and cuddly! I'm going to have to wake you up more often." Jaejoong smiles at me sweetly no trace of regret in his eyes, just joy. I am overcome with emotion and just crush his pale body into my own again getting more sweet laughter. I hold onto him saying not a word, not asking anything of what we will do when we have to face the world.

I hold on tightly to Jaejoong, to the love we share, to the us that might never be...but still could be.

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