Fix You

BY : Ian
Category: J-Rock/J-Pop & K-Pop > Dong Bang Shin Ki
Dragon prints: 673
Disclaimer: DBSG belongs to SME, not me. I am making no profit. I do not know the people about whom I am writing. This story is a work of fiction.

Fix You
Sequel to "The Fiction We Live"
by Stevie (poopsmcgee420@gmail.com)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, Romance, Songfic
Pairing(s): JaeMin
Warnings: Detailed eating disorder. And the ghey.
Word Count: 2135
Summary: JaeJoong will do his best by Changmin, but will it be enough?
A/N: Please don't kill me if it sucks in comparison! Decided to write this after getting positive feedback to "The Fiction We Live" and some extensive conversing with a friend. Song is "Fix You" by Coldplay. I know that no sequel will ever match the goodness of my previous fic, but that's that. I tried.

~When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse~

On his first day of "recovery," Changmin ate two pieces of toast for breakfast. He tried very hard to like the toast. He tried to like eating. He found himself disgusted with himself. But the way JaeJoong looked at him as he slowly ate, terribly happy, terribly sad... He pushed on, bite after grueling bite. Hating every moment.

Sitting on the couch an hour and a half later, holding back so hard from crying it physically hurt, Changmin leapt from the sofa and practically ran to the bathroom, knowing JaeJoong was just behind him but not caring. Kneeling in front of the toilet, he looked back at JaeJoong.

"Leave," he ordered. He did not want JaeJoong to see this.

JaeJoong came further into the room. "No."

Changmin glared at him. "Go! Get out!"

Sitting on the edge of the tub and looking at Changmin, JaeJoong shook his head.

Scowling, Changmin turned away from JaeJoong, staring at the toilet. He tried to pretend JaeJoong wasn't in the room. But he could hear the other, his breathing, his occasional movements. Changmin couldn't do it. Not with someone else in the room, much less the person who had dedicated himself to helping him... Closing his eyes for a moment and making a soft sound, he tried to ready himself. Then he opened his eyes, staring at the porcelain bowl before him and beginning to realize how this must look from JaeJoong's perspective, how utterly stupid.

Changmin sat back on his heels, leaning to the side, one arm against the wall to support him. He hung his head, looking defeated. What the hell was he doing? Was he crazy?

Then there were arms around him from behind and he leaned back against JaeJoong, slipping his legs forward to sit flat on the ground. He felt JaeJoong nuzzle his neck.

He turned his head and touched the back of JaeJoong's neck. When the other looked up at him, he kissed JaeJoong softly and whispered, "Thank you."

JaeJoong half-smiled and stood, holding a hand out to Changmin. Taking the older's hand, Changmin lifted off the floor. But he didn't smile in return. He was frowning, wondering to himself, what if JaeJoong isn't around next time? What will I do then?

Changmin had his chance to figure that out the next day. Though the day before JaeJoong had settled for Changmin eating no more than a few bites of rice or toast at each meal, the next morning he insisted on something with more substance. Changmin had a bowl of soup and a bowl of rice laid out before him after he woke and dressed. Just the smell of it was nauseating.

JaeJoong looked resolute as he ate his own meal, watching Changmin. And Changmin tried, so hard he was shaking as he took bite after bite. He barely made a dent in each dish before he simply walked away from the table. He couldn't do this. But even the small amount he'd eaten settled uncomfortably in his stomach, making him feel disgusting.

JaeJoong let him go, knowing he was trying and not wanting to push too hard. He finished his own meal and took care of the dishes before heading to Changmin's bedroom, finding the younger curled up on his bed.

He sat beside Changmin, hand resting on the young man's hip. "I have to go to the market. Will you be okay here alone?"

Changmin's arms were wrapped around his stomach and in all honesty he just wanted to be alone. He nodded a bit and closed his eyes. He wanted to ignore the world as he battled with himself.

JaeJoong leaned down and pecked Changmin's lips before taking his leave.

Turning onto his back, Changmin attempted to relax and fall asleep. But he felt tears prick his eyes. He felt so tired and worn, so empty and yet so full... Sleep eluded him and all he could think about was the number of calories that must have been in everything he just ate. Then his tears spilled over, trailing from the corners of his eyes past his temples, landing on his blanket. This was so wrong to feel... He never felt like this when he was fasting.... Starving, he reminded himself. Still, it never made him feel this bad.

He wished there was another way. He wished the world could see as he did, that JaeJoong could see how disgusting he was, how fat and disgusting. He sat up and wiped at his eyes uselessly, sniffling.

He stood from the bed, thinking how easy it would be to get rid of these calories, how JaeJoong would never know...

Shaking his head, he walked quickly to the bathroom, kneeling before the toilet. Then he stopped, considered himself, his situation, what he was working toward. What JaeJoong would think. But JaeJoong didn't know, he had no idea how it felt.

Decisively, he leaned forward and stuck a finger down his throat, gagging until finally the food began to come up, clutching the toilet for support.

Finally feeling empty again, the high of a purge taking over, Changmin flushed and leaned back. But somehow it still hurt. His chest felt constricted. Breathing came with difficulty and tears again began to fall from his eyes.

There was a thud by the door and Changmin quickly turned to it, seeing JaeJoong standing there with a bag now lying by his feet and a mix of emotions from horror to defeat crossing his face. He watched helplessly as JaeJoong sank to the floor. His tears only came faster as he edged toward JaeJoong, pathetically whispering, "I'm sorry."

JaeJoong moved toward Changmin as well, pulling him close. He ran his fingers through Changmin's hair, letting the younger man cry against his chest. But he would not cry. He would be strong for Changmin, lend strength he knew the other didn't have for himself yet. He had to, if he wanted to fix him.

Changmin clung to JaeJoong, and he silently wondered if he could ever be okay again.


~And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?~

As JaeJoong removed the final mirror from the Dong Bang Shin Gi house, Changmin finally gave up his futile and one-sided yelling match with the older. He stood bitterly in the center of the naked-looking bathroom, only one of the rooms in the house that looked odd now. Then JaeJoong returned to the room and moved to grab the scale.

Eyes going wide, Changmin stood on the scale to stop JaeJoong, yelling, "Hell no!"

With a small sigh, JaeJoong looked up at Changmin, eyes tired. "Get off the scale, Min."

"You're not taking it," Changmin spit out. He would never have dreamed he would speak to JaeJoong like this. But this was really going too far. "If I don't have a scale, how am I supposed to know how fat you've been making me?"

JaeJoong stood to full height and took Changmin into his arms. "You don't mean that."

Pushing uselessly at JaeJoong in a feeble attempt to dislodge him, Changmin insisted loudly, "Yes I do! You've made me so fat I could puke at the thought of myself! How can you even stand looking at me?! Stop this and just leave me alone!"

JaeJoong only held tighter, beginning to cry silently. Not because he believed the things Changmin was saying, but because he knew Changmin really did believe it all, even now.

Changmin was trembling in JaeJoong's arms, his struggle fading to nothing as he stood in the circle of the other's arms, defeated. He muttered sadly through mounting tears, "I'm never going to get better, so save yourself the disappointment and just give up now. I'm just damaged goods. You can't undo everything I've already done."

"But I can try," JaeJoong said thickly into Changmin's shoulder.

Then Changmin felt his tears begin their trek down his cheeks and he finally returned JaeJoong's embrace, stepping off the scale. They stood together for long moments, and for the time Changmin didn't have a single thought of food or fasting or purging or calories or any of it, only of JaeJoong, who tried to seem so strong but in moments like this showed just how strong he really was. Changmin wished he could be so strong, but knew they had been fighting a losing battle these past few weeks.

JaeJoong pulled carefully from the embrace, trying but failing to smile. He bent and picked up the scale, then gently squeezed Changmin's arm before leaving with the metal object, headed for the dumpster.


~And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth~

"I love you."

Changmin smiled a bit. "I love you too."

JaeJoong rolled onto him, returning the smile and leaning in to kiss Changmin. "You know it's been two months since you told me you loved me for the first time?"

Changmin was not particularly fond of remembering that night, but he nodded, realizing how long it had actually been. Realizing how hard this struggle still was, so long after that night, when JaeJoong had first confronted him about everything...

JaeJoong moved downward, suddenly lifting Changmin's shirt just slightly and kissing his stomach softly. Changmin almost pushed him away, but resisted. It was odd, uncomfortable, but JaeJoong wanted to do it, and he knew that his dislike for it was only the disorder talking.

JaeJoong inched the other's shirt higher, then pulled it off completely, knowing Changmin wasn't completely comfortable but knowing if it was too far that the younger would stop him. He brushed his fingers down Changmin's stomach. He was still slightly underweight, but he'd put on weight and looked so much better than he had back then... JaeJoong returned to kissing his soft skin, pulling away for a moment to tell him, "You're beautiful."

Changmin frowned at JaeJoong's comment. He felt exactly the opposite of beautiful. But he knew it was true, at least to the rest of the world, that he looked better now. Still... "I'm not the beautiful one here," he replied, reaching down to tenderly run his fingertips through JaeJoong's soft locks.

JaeJoong slid back up Changmin's body, looking at him, studying his features. His smile was soft as he said, "I mean that, you know... You really are so beautiful. Not just your body and your face... but you."

For the first time in as long as he could remember, Changmin actually believed then that he was beautiful. He gently kissed JaeJoong and began to lift the older's shirt.

Letting his shirt fall away, JaeJoong began to kiss along Changmin's neck softly. He was surprised to suddenly feel the younger's hand pressed to the front of his jeans, and he moaned quietly, pressing back.

"JaeJoong..."

Reluctantly, JaeJoong lifted his face from Changmin's neck, feeling the other's teasing touch leave him and return against his lower back.

"Have me tonight..."

Changmin's expression held all the seriousness JaeJoong had ever seen on it, and JaeJoong kissed his boyfriend powerfully at the words, more than willing to comply. After months of avoiding almost anything sexual because of Changmin's self-image, JaeJoong felt they were both ready for a break in the dry spell.


~Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you~

JaeJoong wrapped his arms around Changmin as the younger leaned back, closing his eyes and smiling. He had had three full meals that day, and though he felt a bit full, he had no urge to run to the bathroom, no desire to go hungry the next day because of it. Though he did wish he hadn't had a second helping of the fried rice a friend had brought over... It had just been so tasty...

Changmin had no idea how much he weighed or what he looked like now. He would probably be shocked to see, JaeJoong mused, that he was still a lot thinner than the rest of the group. He loved the way Changmin looked now, though. His body was perfect for him exactly as it was, not too thin or too thick. JaeJoong ran a hand down Changmin's chest and stomach, but instead of feeling his lover tense, Changmin relaxed a bit more in his hold.

It had been four months now of nearly constant struggle, and they were both glad that it had become easier. They knew a difficult road was yet to come, they weren't so naive to believe the worst was behind them, but it was good to pause now, to have a breather where things weren't so hard.

No matter what happened, though, JaeJoong knew he would be here beside Changmin for the duration, always here to try his hardest for his love, to try to fix him.


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