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Such Synful Thoughts	By : Need2ScreamNow Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Avenged Sevenfold Views: 3118 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Avenged Sevenfold. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Synyster’s POV

Zack refused to let him go, he held Matt’s body against his chest as blood continued to sluggishly drip out of the singer’s cooling corpse. Jimmy looked up at Brian helplessly, “I don’t think he even hears me.” He reached over and tried to pull Zack’s arm away; the smaller guitarist shuddered and held Matt tighter.

“Shit.” Jimmy sighed and brushed Zack’s bangs out of his face.

Reality: You know what we have to do
Denial: We don’t have to do that, I’m sure the paramedics know what to do…

“I’ll get him; just give me a few minutes.” Brian sighed; Jimmy looked up at him again and nodded hesitantly and then stood and grabbed Johnny and pulled him out of the kitchen.

Denial: This isn’t necessary…
Reality: Yes it is; he has to let go of him so they can take the body.

“Zacky, Zacky look at me.” Brian crouched down in front of his friend; Zack looked at him and Brian felt the breath go out of his lungs. Zack’s vibrant green eyes were rimmed red with crying and filled with agony. His protector, his wall, Matt, was gone; all that was left was Zack, innocent and loving Zack. There was a flash of pleading hope through the agony in those eyes and Brian felt a heavy weight settle on his heart. Zack wanted him to make this better, whenever Matt wasn’t around the small guitarist used one of them as his wall from the world. Why should it be different now?

Reality: We need to do this
Denial: We can’t do this, it’ll kill him

Brian carefully steeled himself for what he had to do, “Zacky you need to let him go.” Zack shook his head vehemently and looked back down at Matt’s frozen features, “Zacky, Matt’s gone, what made him Matt is gone; you’re just holding his body.”

Self-Hate: That’s right, break him down even more.
Reality: He has to let go of the body.

Zack didn’t answer, he kept his face hidden from Brian and again tightened his grip on Matt. Brian sighed and willed the pain in his heart to leave as he gently pulled Zack’s face up and forced him to make eye contact again, Synyster stared at Zack with hard eyes.

“Zack. Let. Him. Go. Matt is dead. He’s not coming back, not for you or anyone else. He’s gone.”

Self-Hate: You are a disgusting human being
Reality: No…

Zack tried to look away again but Brian was still holding his face, his pained green eyes searched Brian’s indifferent brown. Warm tears dripped on his fingers as Zack started to cry again.

“You need to let the body go so they can take it.” He cringed internally at the edge in his voice.

Self-Hate: You don’t deserve to breathe. What kind of person does this to someone they say they care about?

“He said he wouldn’t hurt me.” Zack whispered. It was the first thing he’d said since they had gotten there.

“It looks like he lied.” Brian felt bile rise in his throat as he systematically tore his best friend apart; Zack recoiled and whimpered from the harsh words.

Self-Hate: You vile, rotten, God-awful Brute! You don’t deserve a grave!

“No, he said he wouldn’t go, he won’t leave me alone.” Zack sounded like he was talking more to convince himself than Brian.

“Well he just fuckin’ did. His word to you apparently didn’t mean enough for him to hold on another five minutes. Now put the body down so they can take it away. He’s dead Zack and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it. Holding the body isn’t going to magically bring him back.” He balled the hand that wasn’t holding Zack’s face into a fist as he fought back a wave of nausea and tears.

He felt something tear inside him when the bright green of Zack’s eyes dulled to a numb shade of olive as his words ripped into him. A small agonized sound ripped out of him and Brian felt himself break even more. Zack’s arms relaxed and Matt slipped from his arms to the floor with a dull ‘thud’.

Self-Hate: You are a filthy, mangy, sick, twisted, loathsome, atrocious, deplorable, repulsive, heinously appalling, depraved and disgusting, nightmare of a human being!!
Reality: We had to fuckin’ do it; he wouldn’t have let Matt go if we didn’t!
Denial: Sure, whatever helps you sleep?
Self-Hate: Well you certainly got the job done didn’t you? Why don’t you call him fat so we can make damn sure his spirit is completely destroyed.

Zack slowly stood up; he was covered in Matt’s blood, the bright red was drying to a blackish/brown in some places. He didn’t look at Brian and without a word mechanically walked to the back door and left.

The grain on the blood flecked wood in front of Brian blurred as tears stung his eyes and splashed to the floor, he could hear people around him, but their voices were muffled and abstract. Someone pulled him up by his shoulders and wrapped him in a warm hug, Jimmy’s smooth voice slid easily through his mind, he didn’t know what the drummer was saying, but the voice was there and it was a small comfort.

Self-Hate: …wretched, abominable, fiendish and damnable, abhorrent, slimy, malignant, destructive, evil, despicable, abusive, hateful…
Reality: It had to be done, it had to be done, it had to be done, it had to be done…
Denial: Keep bullshitting yourself, I’m sure one day someone might actually believe it.
Self-Hate: …loathsome, putrid, rotting, deplorable MAGGOT!! you don’t deserve to breathe!

A sharp sting of pain brought him back into the waking world, his eyes focused and he found himself staring at two very worried sapphire orbs.

“Sorry, you’ve been zoned out for almost three hours, I was worried.” Jimmy lightly kissed his cheek and wrapped an arm around his chest.

Self-Hate: If he knew what an abomination you really were he’d want nothing to do with you.

The ceiling of Jimmy’s bedroom started to go out of focus as Brian slipped back into his mind.

“Brian don’t,” Jimmy nipped his neck and Brian focused again, “the last time you went off into your head you come back worse than you were. Stay here, with me.” He whispered against Brian’s neck.

“I’m a horrible person.” Brian whispered; Jimmy moved and Brian felt his weight on his hips and chest, “No you aren’t.”

“Yes I am. I destroyed him and then I didn’t even go after him when he left.” Syn whispered miserably.

Self-Hate: You’re disgusting.
Reality: We Had To Do It!
Denial: No we didn’t and you fuckin’ know it!

“Brian…you did what you had to do. It hurt you both, but…you had to do it.” Jimmy straddled his hips and pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

“Johnny is worried sick about him, we’ve tried to call but he’s not answering his phone.” Jimmy murmured, “We need to check on him.”

“I’ll stay.”

Jimmy shook his head, “Not a chance in hell. If anyone is going to bring him back it’ll be you.”

Reality: He’s lost his mind
Denial: We’re going to drive him to the edge
Self-Hate: Jimmy doesn’t know what a disgusting creature you are.

He stared at Jimmy for a moment uncomprehendingly, “What the fuck am I going to do to bring him back? In the past month alone I’ve raped him, gotten his boyfriend thrown in jail, and now I’ve just totally…” he trailed off and again started to drift.

“Dammit Brian stay with me or I’ll smack you again.” Jimmy growled, “I know it hasn’t been the best relationship lately but Brian you and Matt are the two people that have *always* been there for him. He needs you.” Jimmy got off of him and then dragged him off the bed and they went to get Johnny.

The front door wasn’t closed all the way and Jimmy quickly pushed it open, but it stopped after only a couple inches.

“Zacky?”

No sound came from the house.

“Fuck, I think he’s in front of the door.” Jimmy whispered.

Reality: Back door
Denial: We shouldn’t be here

“Back door.” Brian said and started to go around the house; Johnny followed him and surprised him when he lightly grabbed his hand. He turned and looked at the bassist and his pain filled brown eyes tore at his heart. He pulled him closer and wrapped him in a tight hug; Johnny’s body shook against him as he cried. He tilted the bassist’s chin up and lightly kissed his forehead, “I have to get Zacky, stay here with Jimmy okay?” he pulled the younger man close again and then Jimmy smoothly cut between them and Johnny clung to him like a life ring.

Zack was in front of the door, he was curled into a small ball and there were small inhuman sounds of pain coming from him.

Reality: Oh God Zacky…
Denial: It didn’t have to be this way.
Reality: We had to make him let go.
Denial: And now we’ve pretty much killed him, way to go.

“Zacky.” He whispered his name, the guitarist didn’t move. He walked over and dragged the smaller man into his arms, he made a small keening sound and dry sobs shook his body. Brian felt his heart break apart as he held his battered friend.

Reality: We can’t leave him alone; we need to take him back to Jimmy’s.
Denial: No shit Sherlock.

Carefully he stood with his fragile package and slowly walked to the back door. He found Jimmy and Johnny back in front of the house leaning against Jimmy’s car and without a word Jimmy opened the back door when he saw Brian.
The soft sounds Zack had been making inside slowly started to fade as they drove; by the time they reached Jimmy’s house he was quiet.

“Oh God Zacky.” Jimmy whispered brushing his hair out of his face, silent tears continued to spill from his closed eyes and Brian felt himself slipping down into his own black river of despair.

A/N: Thank you for your reviews.
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Such Synful Thoughts