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Such Synful Thoughts	By : Need2ScreamNow Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Avenged Sevenfold Views: 3118 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Avenged Sevenfold. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 14
- 15
- 16
Zack’s POV

Something broke through the void. At first he didn’t know what it was and he tried to ignore it, but a flash of hope thrust him out of his shell into the waking world.

Reality: It can’t be…
Denial: How could it be…?

He looked up and heard it again; Matt’s voice. He looked around and his eyes fell on the TV; someone had put in All Excess, Matt was talking about their show at Chain Reaction. A wave of pain hit him and he curled up in a feeble effort to block it.

Reality: That wasn’t nice.
Denial: We should’ve known.

“Zacky? Zacky come on. You need to snap out of this.” Someone tried to uncurl him and he whimpered. “Zack you’ve been inside your head for almost two days you need to eat something.” The soft voice was back and they finally pulled him apart and held him against their warm torso.

Denial: It’s not Matt…
Reality: No, it’s not…

A sob choked out of him and he started to cry, he wanted Matt, “Matty come back, come back.

Brian’s POV

It was killing him. Watching Zack stare listlessly at the floor, his green eyes were empty and dark; it was like he was nothing more than a shell.
Reality: He needs to eat something. If he doesn’t we’re going to have some serious problems.

Denial: I thought having one of our friends shot and killed in his home was a serious problem.
Reality: We need to take care of Zack. We can’t do anything for Matt.

“Fuck Jimmy, I don’t know what to do.” He whispered painfully. Jimmy wrapped his arms around his shoulders and kissed his temple, “I think…if we have to, I have an idea.” He said staring at Zack.

Curiosity: If we have to? What kind of idea does he have?
Reality: We need to wake him up.
Denial: Why so we can stomp on him again?
Reality: Stop it.

“What is it?”

Jimmy shook his head slowly, “Only if we have to; it might make things worse.”

“Jimmy he’s been living inside himself for almost two days; we need to take care of his body so we can fix his mind.”

Jimmy sighed after a moment, “You’re right, but…it’s gonna kill him. I know it is.” And then he dropped his arms and went to his DVD cabinet by the TV. He rummaged around for a moment and then pulled one out.

Curiosity: What’s he got? Go find out, what’s he got?
Reality: Go with Curiosity on this one, I wanna know what it is too.
Denial: We shouldn’t be subjecting Zack to anymore pain.
Reality: He’ll starve himself to death if we leave him alone.

He opened his mouth to ask what movie Jimmy had but changed his question when he saw the title, “Why?”

Jimmy stared at the disk for a second, “It’s got Matt on it.” He said slowly.

Reality: Oh…
Denial: We can’t do this to him

Jimmy turned on the TV and Brian grabbed the remote to put it on the DVD player’s channel.

Once the menu for the disk was up he handed the remote to Jimmy, unsure of where he wanted it. The drummer flipped through until he got to one of the individual interviews with Matt and then he turned the sound up.

They watched Zack with rapt attention, at first it didn’t seem to have an effect and then a small chill went through him and he looked up. For the first time in two days Brian saw life in his eyes, but they quickly began to dim again when he saw the TV.

The guitarist curled into a ball and Brian walked over and kneeled in front of him, “Zacky? Zacky come on. You need to snap out of this.” Gently he tugged at the miserable ball Zack had curled up in but he stopped when a small whimper reached his ears.

Reality: You need to get him, get him now.

“Zack you’ve been inside your head for almost two days you need to eat something.” He tugged at him until Zack’s will power collapsed and he uncurled. He pulled his broken friend against his chest and the small guitarist began to cry, “Matty come back, come back.”

Reality: Oh Jesus
Denial: We should’ve just left him.

He felt his own tears sting his eyes and he placed a tender kiss on Zack’s head, “I know. I know.”

He looked to where he thought Jimmy was still standing but the TV was dark and the drummer was nowhere to be found. He looked on the other side of the room and he found Jimmy sitting in a chair with Johnny curled on his lap crying quietly.

Irony: Well even after all the bullshit you two still got what you wanted didn’t you. Jimmy has Johnny and you have Zacky.
Denial: No, not like this. Never like this.

Jimmy’s pained blue eyes met his and he knew the drummer had the same thoughts. He turned his attention back to Zack as he continued to cry miserably.

Zack’s POV

He stared at the TV; watching Matt’s every move, listening to his voice, and his laugh as he talked about their high school days. Brian came in and said something but he ignored him until he pulled him against his chest in a crushing hug. He didn’t fight the tears and they soon soaked Brian’s shirt, “Zacky, God I know it hurts Zacky but you can’t keep doin’ this to yourself.” He whispered, he turned off the All Excess DVD and half dragged, half carried him to the kitchen.

Denial: He’s not gone. He can’t be gone. Matt doesn’t just ‘leave’. He tells us where he’s going and he tells us when he’s back. He never leaves without telling us.
Reality: He’s gone.
Denial: No He’s Not!!
Reality: It only hurts more when you say that.
Denial: He’ll come back and take the pain away. He always does.
Reality: Stop it; you’re going to drive us insane.

Brian sat him down in a chair and he numbly watched them pull on their suit jackets. Matt’s viewing started at five; they had forty-five minutes to get there. Zack wasn’t going, Brian and Jimmy had decided that wouldn’t be the best idea and he hadn’t argued. Johnny snuck his arms around his chest and hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek before he whispered his good-bye and went to wait for the other two by the front door. Jimmy came by and kissed his other cheek and also whispered good-bye before he too disappeared.

Finally Brian came over and crouched in front of him, “Zacky…” the way he whispered his name said more than any other words could and Zack looked at him pleadingly as the pain began to build inside him again. Brian’s pain filled brown eyes mirrored his, “I can’t…Zacky I can’t make this better. I swear if I could I would bring him back here myself but I can’t.” he gently grabbed his hand and held it between both of his, “I know he loves you and he misses you.” He let go of his hand and hugged him, “I love you Zack.” He whispered and then he gently kissed his forehead and left with the others.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat at the table staring into nothing but he eventually roused himself and went back to the living room. He turned on the DVD player but a bright red ‘NO DISK’ scrolled across the faceplate. He blinked and opened the tray; it was empty. He searched around for a moment until he found the case but it was empty too.

Reality: He took it.
Denial: No! We need it, we need to see him!

His chest tightened and his breaths grew shorter and shorter until he was nearly hyperventilating. He searched through all the DVD cases and even some of the CD cases before he collapsed and curled into his pitiful ball.

Reality: Surely to God we can find something with him on it.
Denial: Internet!

He lifted his head and then stumbled to his feet and ran up the stairs; he pulled his laptop out of his bag and quickly booted it up. Once he was up and running he logged onto the internet and went to Youtube and typed in ‘m. shadows’. He was rewarded with hundreds of fan videos, interviews, clips of live performances, and all of their videos. He clicked on the first one and relaxed when he heard Matt’s husky voice discussing the new singing style of their record. He curled up on his bed in the darkening guest room and started clicking through the videos one at a time.

“Zacky?” the soft whisper woke him instantly from his restless slumber, he blinked sleepily and stared at Jimmy; his laptop had gone into hibernation and the screen was black, he reached over and closed it before he sat up.

“I was just making sure you were alright,” he whispered, he kissed his forehead and then pulled Zack’s computer off his bed and set it on the nightstand next to him, “go back to sleep.”

Zack nodded and then lay down again; Jimmy pulled a quilt over him and kissed him one more time before he quietly left. Thunder rumbled in the distance and Zack stared at the wall wide awake.

Denial: He’ll come back. We just have to be patient.
Reality: You’re not going to stop until you see him are you?
Denial: We can see him? Where?
Reality: The viewing. That’s what it’s for, so you can see.
Denial: It’s probably over now.

Zack looked at his watch, it was almost nine.

Reality: It doesn’t end until ten.
Denial: No one is going to drive us over there.
Reality: Then walk. We know where it is.
Denial: If we walk then it’ll be over by the time we get there.
Reality: Not if we leave now.

Silently Zack rolled out of bed and pulled his shoes on; he cracked his door open and listened. He couldn’t hear anyone moving around. He snuck out into the hallway and down the stairs, the house was dark, everyone had gone to bed. He skirted the parts of the floor that squeaked and quietly opened and closed the front door.

By the time he was halfway to the funeral home it started to rain. He wrapped his arms around himself and kept his head ducked so the cold water wouldn’t get in his face. Lightening flashed across the sky and he walked faster, his watch read nine thirty-two.

He got to the funeral home at almost exactly ten and saw one of the guards getting ready to lock the door; he ran up and quietly knocked on the glass. The man looked up and gave him a once over before he opened the inner set of doors and spoke to him through the glass, “Can I help you?”

“Sanders…I, I wanna see Sanders.” He said shivering in the rain. The guard shook his head, “Private viewing only, but there’s a memorial set—”

“No I’m not a fan…I’m Zacky, Zacky Vengeance.”

The man looked at him again but still shook his head, “We’re closed, you can come to the funeral tomorrow.” He started to walk away.

“Please, just a minute…I need to see him.” He pleaded, tears began to blur his vision but he saw the shape of the guard turn, he was quiet for a moment before he sighed, “I’ll give you five minutes.” He unlocked the door and Zack stepped into the warm building, “Thank you.” He whispered, the guard only nodded and then lead him to the room.

He paused at the threshold as his heart began to ache but the guard’s warning of only five minutes spurred him forward. The room was thick with the cloying smell of flowers and in the middle under low lights sat the casket. The top half was open and he could see the profile of Matt’s face.

Denial: He’s sleeping.
Reality: Don’t. If you start that we’re leaving.

His steps slowed the closer he got until he was in front of the casket; Matt’s face was white, his lips were no longer grey, and the pained expression that had been on his face was gone. Gingerly he reached out and brushed his fingers down the side of his face, his skin was smooth and waxy and cold. He ran his fingers over his eyelids, nose, and lips as tears dripped onto the silk lining. Lightly he touched the gelled spikes of his hair and a harsh sob escaped him.

Reality: He’s not coming back. He’s gone. They’re going to bury him tomorrow.
Denial: No, he’s just sleeping.
Reality: They are going to bury him tomorrow and you won’t see him again. Say good-bye.
Denial: No, no, no, he’s sleeping; we just have to wake him up.

There was a rushing sound in his ears and he shook his head back and forth slowly as reality came and hit him like an overloaded freight train. He sank to the floor as agony tore at him.

Denial: He can’t be gone! I won’t let him be gone!
Reality: Say good-bye.
Denial: This isn’t fair!

The guard that had let him in quietly walked up next to him, “The good always go before their time.” He said softly. Zack took a deep breath and dragged himself to his feet, he looked at Matt one last time and then he let the guard lead him out.

“Do you want me to call someone to come get you?” he asked worriedly once they were out of the room, he slipped the key in and locked the doors with a resounding ‘click’. Zack shook his head and thanked him again quietly before he turned and walked back out into the stormy night.

He walked to Matt’s house; the driving rain came down heavily and had him soaked through before he had been even a block away from the funeral home. He stumbled up the front steps and fumbled for the spare key before he let himself in to the dark house.

A six by six square had been cut out of the floor where the blood had been, it was currently in a lab being processed, there were markers on the floor marking different blood splatters. Zack tried not to look at them and instead skipped the first two steps and quickly went upstairs.

He practically ran into Matt’s bedroom and shut the door; he stripped out of his soggy clothes and went to the bathroom. He turned on the shower; he stepped in and let the hot water scour his cold body. A small tremble shook him and then another and another. He wrapped his arms around himself to try and stop the shivering but it didn’t help, he sank to the floor and pulled his knees against his chest and let out a pained wail as his heart tore open.

Brian’s POV

He heard a door open and then light footsteps sneak past his room; Jimmy was passed out next to him and Johnny was in the second guest room on the other side. That meant Zack was up and about.

Reality: He’s probably looking for the DVD
Denial: No he’s not.

Gently he untangled himself from Jimmy’s warm embrace without waking the drummer and quietly opened the door just in time to catch Zack close the front door.

Reality: What the hell is he doing?
Denial: Leave him.
Reality: No way something could happen to him.

He sighed and quickly threw on some jeans, a shirt, and his shoes before he snuck out to follow him. When he got outside he looked for Zack and found him quickly walking down the street toward town; black storm clouds were forming on the horizon and he hoped the guitarist would get whatever it was he was doing over and done with quickly.

He stayed pretty far back, there wasn’t anyone else on the street and he wasn’t taking any sort of insane course but he was walking quickly. His hope for them to be back at Jimmy’s house before the rain was dashed when he felt a fat raindrop hit him squarely in the forehead.

Reality: Oh dammit.
Denial: We have the worst luck.

Within minutes the rain had turned into a deluge and he was soaked through and cold. With the rain it was harder to see Zack so he had to creep closer. They finally reached their destination; Zack ran up to the doors of the funeral home and talked to the guard that was closing up.

Curiosity: What’s he doing?
Denial: He’s too late, they’re closed.
Reality: If he wants to see him he’ll find a way.

The guard opened the door and led him inside. Brian took shelter in the doorstep of a neighboring building and waited for his friend to come back out.

Reality: This is going to mess him up.
Denial: He should’ve asked one of us to go with him.

He didn’t have to wait long before the guard escorted Zack back out into the rain and the guitarist set off again.
Reality: Now where the hell is he going?
Denial: Let’s just go back to Jimmy’s.
Reality: Hell no! We can’t just leave him alone!

Brian started following him again. He soon recognized the path they were taking and his chest began to ache for his friend; he was going to Matt’s house.

Zack found the spare key and let himself in and Brian hoped he didn’t lock it because he really did not want to trek through the rain all the way back to Jimmy’s house. He tried the door and was both happy and appalled that Zack hadn’t bothered to lock it. He snuck into the house carefully and pulled off his wet, squeaky shoes once he was in. Zack’s quiet footsteps padded softly up the stairs. He waited a few minutes and tried not to look at the bare patch in the floor where his friend had bled to death before he slowly followed Zack upstairs.

He heard water running and peeked into the master bedroom, Zack’s wet clothes were in a pile on the floor and the bathroom door was ajar. He sighed wistfully and wished for a hot shower.

Sex Drive: With Jimmy.
Reality: Oh my God, how the hell did you get back here so soon?
Denial: Oh no, you go right back to that rock you crawled out from under.
Sex Drive: Fine =p

He was tempted to pull out his phone and have Jimmy come pick him up when a sound like a cross between a scream and a sob came from the bathroom. Without thinking he ran to the door and froze hoping Zack hadn’t seen him, but the small guitarist was on the floor of the shower with his knees drawn up against his chest crying.

Reality: We shouldn’t be here. He needs to be alone.
Denial: We’ll make sure he gets to sleep alright and then we’ll go.

He slowly crept back out to the hallway and waited for Zack to get out of the shower.

He was tempted to go check on his friend again when the water finally shut off. Zack came out a few minutes later wrapped in a fluffy looking towel, he walked over to one of the mahogany dressers and pulled out a shirt and pajama pants. He dressed and then walked over to a pile of clothes sitting in another corner of the room and dug out a hoody. All the clothes were big on him and Brian was hit with the overwhelming need to protect him when he saw his small frame draped in Matt’s clothes.

Once Zack was comfortable he went over to the cluttered mahogany desk and flipped open Matt’s laptop and started it up. He dug around in one of the drawers for a moment before he pulled something out; there were two quiet ‘snap’ sounds and he set something on the computer by the touch pad. Once the computer was totally up and running he logged in to Matt’s account and quickly started searching through files. He found what he was looking for and took the computer over to the nightstand and then went back and grabbed its power source and plugged it in. He curled up in Matt’s bed and pressed his face into the pillow before he reached over and fiddled with the computer and then the room was filled with a soft acoustic guitar. Zack sniffed and pulled a second pillow against his chest before he curled into his protective ball and started to fall asleep.

Synyster listened to the acoustic feeling a little sleepy himself, quietly something was added to the acoustic but he was too far away to hear it so he waited hoping it would get louder. Slowly the second sound began to crescendo and he finally recognized it; it was Matt’s voice. It didn’t sound like he was singing words but he was definitely singing something; it sounded like different tones. He strained to hear what he was saying but no words ever became clear.

Reality: I don’t think it needs words.
Denial: It doesn’t, just listen to it, it’s beautiful.

By the time the song started over Zack was sound asleep. Brian slipped back into the room to check on the small guitarist before he called Jimmy. Once he was completely in the room it became clear that the song didn’t have words and he stopped to listen to it for a moment; Matt’s voice was beautiful. The song tore him; mostly it made him want to run back to Jimmy’s house and curl in his warm arms and pretend like everything was okay but it also brought with it a sharp sound of pain. It seemed to drive home the fact that Matt was gone; his voice was gone.

He kneeled next to Zack and saw he was still crying even in his sleep, he had a crushing grip on the pillow he was holding against his chest and he was shivering slightly.

Reality: There’s gotta be another blanket in here somewhere.
Denial: I don’t think that’s a chill we can cover up.
Reality: We can try.

He went over to the closet and found a heavy wool blanket; he started to drape it over Zack but changed his mind. He folded it in half and carefully tucked part of it around the guitarist’s waist and pushed the rest of it gently against his back. His trembling stopped and his grip on the pillow loosened, he mumbled something and slipped deeper into sleep. He leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to his temple; Zack sluggishly reached up and lightly held his arm, “Dun go Matty…love you.” he mumbled. He was hit with an unexpected wave of pain when Zack spoke and his legs went numb, he sank slowly to the floor. He sniffed quietly as tears spilled from his eyes and he sat up enough to run his fingers through Zack’s longish black hair. He tried to pull his arm away but Zack’s fingers tightened on him and he made a pained sound and he put his arm back.

Reality: We need to go.
Denial: We can’t, he thinks we’re Matt; he’ll probably wake up if we try to leave.

He slowly stood again and whispered softly in the sleeping man’s ear, “I have to go,” he tried to pull his arm away again but Zack whimpered and a new wave of tears squeezed from under his eyelids, “No, stay…love you. Stay.” He whimpered again and started to shake. Brian pressed another kiss to his temple and felt his own tears drop to mix with Zack’s, “I’ll be…I’ll be right back. I love you.” He whispered fighting back a sob. Zack’s shaking slowed and stopped and he relaxed again; when Brian pulled his arm away he didn’t resist. He wiped his eyes and turned to leave when a flash of something caught his eye; the thing Zack had put on the computer.

He glanced at Zack but the guitarist was deep asleep. He carefully picked up the object, there were actually two, and tried to look at them in the low light. He couldn’t make out what they were so he crept quietly to the bathroom and shut the door and flipped on the light.

They were rings; both were silver, one had small topaz stones inlaid in it and the other had emeralds.

Reality: M’kay? What the hell?
Denial: Maybe they were a gift.

He stared at the rings for a minute puzzling over them; the light caught the green one and reflected a pretty spring green color onto the floor.

Reality: Hey, it looks like Zack’s eyes.

He froze and stared at the green on the floor as a ball of dread formed where his heart should’ve been.

The tension in Zack’s body increased when he asked what they had wanted to tell him.
“it’s been an interesting night, just come by my house tomorrow and we’ll tell you there.”

“Oh God.” He whispered, he held the other ring up to the light and on the floor the topaz shone a dark hazel, like Matt’s eyes.

Denial: Oh Christ no. No, no, no, no, that’s not what they wanted to tell us, that’s not what it was.

Reality: Oh God Zacky.

His hand started shake and he quickly put the ring back in his other hand so he wouldn’t drop it. He flipped the light off and quickly put the rings back, he looked one last time at Zack’s pained face and then ran out of the bedroom. He got outside and called Jimmy’s cell phone, he felt sick and lightheaded.

“Hullo?” Jimmy’s voice was slurred with sleep.

“Jimmy, can you come get me?” He whispered.

“Brian? Where are you? It’s almost twelve thirty?” He sounded more awake and faintly Brian heard him digging his shoes out.

“I’m over at Matt’s.” He said, “I followed Zack, it’s kind of a long story.”

“I’ll be there in fifteen.” The drummer said.

“Thank you.”

“You better have a damn good reason.” He warned.

Reality: You don’t even know…
Denial: It can’t be…that’s not what it was. You know that’s not what it was.

Fifteen minutes had never passed so slowly; it was still raining and the wind was picking up so he was once again soaked to the bone and freezing by the time Jimmy pulled up. He quickly jumped into the warm car.

“Where’s Zack?” the drummer asked quietly.

“He’s inside, sleeping; he’ll be fine until tomorrow. I made sure everything was locked.” Brian said rubbing his eyes.

“What happened?”

“He went to see Matt.”

Jimmy looked at him for a moment before he went back to navigating the rain slick road.

“Jimmy…” his mouth worked but nothing came out. “Brian what’s wrong?” Jimmy reached over and gently ran his fingers down the side of his face and he started to cry again. They pulled into Jimmy’s driveway and the drummer quickly switched the car off and pulled him into a hug, “Brian what happened?”

“I know what they wanted to tell us.” He whispered. Jimmy pulled back and looked at him in confusion, “What who wanted to tell us?”

“Matt and Zack…the night before Matt...you remember the whole reason they came over was to tell us something.”

Jimmy thought for a moment and then nodded, “Yeah I didn’t really think about it.”

“Jimmy they were engaged.”

The drummer looked at him and blinked slowly, “What?”

Brian nuzzled his arm and Jimmy pulled him close again, “They were engaged, Zack had the rings out. Oh God they were going to tell us they were engaged.”

A/N: I went through a couple tissues when I was writing this. But stay with me! You can’t back out now you’ve come too far!
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Such Synful Thoughts