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One night for a lifetime	By : KayleighSiobhan Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Journey Views: 1645 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not know any members of Journey past or present. This story is totally a work of fiction only taking place in my imagination. No money is being made from this story.

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****Song lyrics are from the song "Gabriel" by Lamb.

Neal sat in his hotel suite with the radio on low. Jon was fast asleep in one of the bedrooms, but Neal could not rest. He had pulled out some blank paper he always carried with him to write songs. But songwriting was not what he was thinking of at this moment He was going to compose a letter that he knew should have been written 10 years ago.
On a table next to the bed, Neal had a group of photos laid out. No one in the band knew he carried them with him. They were old photos of him and Steve, on stage together, a few candid pictures, and one that was a special favorite of his. Greg had taken it before a show back in 1979. Neal and Steve were both laughing and looking in each others eyes as if they shared some secret. To Neal it was if the amazing connection the two men had musically was captured by the camera. He ran his fingers lightly over another photo of Steve, one which showed clearly the incredible mix of innocence and sexual heat the singer could project so easily. That quality was made everyone crazy about Steve.The girls, the gay guys, and Neal too, were all just enraptured by this aspect of the singer's personality.
Neal closed his eyes and replayed the scenerio that had happened earlier that evening. Poor Arnel,it was a good thing for Neal the Fillipino didn't have his ass arrested and charged with rape. Arnel certainly didn't deserve what Neal did to him. It was entirely Neal's fault that he had not dealt with his feelings for Steve.

The sound on the radio crept into Neal's conciousness. A song was playing that reminded him so much of Steve.

I can fly
But I want his wings
I can shine even in the darkness
But I crave the light that he brings
Revel in the songs that he sings
My angel Gabriel

I can love
But I need his heart
I am strong even on my own
But from him I never want to part
He's been there since the very start
My angel Gabriel
My angel Gabriel ****

Between the poignant lyrics and looking at the photos, Neal could feel a lump in his throat. God he missed Steve so much. The years hadn’t lessened the pain. Neal tried to find a comfortable position on the couch as he began writing. It was going to be a long night.

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Dear Steve,

I hope you can find it in your heart to read this letter. Letting you go from the band was the most heartbreaking decision I have ever had to make. I know you were so hurt by what I did but you have to believe how incredibly painful it was for me.Jon and I were cowards. We should have come to you in person. But you hurt me too. You shut me out when I would have gladly helped you through the surgery. I even offered to let you stay with me so you would have a friend with you 24/7. I know you hate hospitals and doctors because of what you seen your mother go through. But I would have been more then happy to hold your hand through the entire ordeal. But you couldn’t find it in your heart to give me that trust.

And you have always had difficulty allowing me to love you. When your mother was dying I wanted to be there for you. But you even kept the band at arms length at her funeral. You couldn’t stop crying and all I wanted to do was hold you and comfort you. But you turned your back on me.

Do you remember the night you came to my bed crying. I have never forgotten it. Many times over the years I have used that memory to help me to sleep, because I have never experienced peace and joy like I felt in your arms. Some times I can even still feel your warm body, the way you rested you head on my chest, and smell the scent of your hair. And I was clumsy and inexperienced that night and I was so sorry about that because I know it hurt.It broke my heart when you cried because I was trying to show you how much I loved you. I wanted to give you pleasure not pain. But still when I was inside you I felt like for the one and only time in my life, that I was with my true soul mate, the lover I have looked for all my life. How could you go on TV in front of the whole world and said “You never felt part of the band !" Jesus Steve we tried to include you. The backstage life wasn’t for you. And we understood that. But you isolated your self.
It is true you were not what Greg and I envisioned for the band. We were looking for a screamer, a hard rock singer. But you won us over with that incredible voice. I personally thought that an angel had come down from heaven to sing for us. And for me personally, brought sweetness and light into my life like I had never experienced before. You were the band for me… Being on stage with you was a dream come true… we had a singer who was talented and gorgeous. Sometimes I just couldn’t believe what I was feeling. I was so attracted to you.
That first day when we slipped you in under Robert’s nose…. I looked at you and my mind was filled with these visions. Of what it would be like to hold you, to kiss you, and to make love to you. That made me crazy, I had never thought that way about a man before. I convinced myself it was too much alcohol, or too much weed. But then when we wrote together we had a incredible connection. The music just came. You would look at me with those beautiful hazel eyes and the lyrics would magically flow. It was like you could see right through me. And during the shows there were times when the need to touch you, to be near you was almost unbearable. I don’t think you realized but you had such an overwhelming effect on me. You would be singing then you would look at me a certain way, smile at me, or better yet press your body up against me. I would almost forget how to play. Then we would go back to the hotel and I would have to sleep in the room with you. Hell in the early lean years sometimes we actually wound up sleeping in the same bed. Those were the most difficult nights. I would listen to you breathe, waiting till I knew you were fast asleep. Then I would sit up and watch you. I would have to struggle to keep my hands off you. Often I would get up in the middle of night, and take a walk outside. Otherwise I would have woken you up and begged you to let me make love to you.

It was funny to say this now but when Greg offered you a place to stay when you joined Journey I was jealous. I had this image of you living with him, him falling in love with you, and you returning his feelings. I started wondering what I could do to compete with him.

You weren’t like other guys. You wore your heart on your sleeve. I could look into your eyes and know what you were feeling. I knew how much you hurt when Sherry left, when your mother died. You didn’t verbalize what you felt. But I could see straight into your soul. I read everything there. And I accepted you, all of you. I didn’t think your were neurotic or a diva. You were just you. And Steve I recognized what others did not, maybe when even you didn’t, that you weren’t cut out for the music business. You wanted to sing that was all, you were’t made for the cut throat world like the rest of us were. You were too sensitive, too gentle, and too real.

After the last Journey tour I tried to forget you. I moved on to other relationships, other musical projects. But I kept thinking about you. You were always in my heart and mind. And you didn’t know it but I seen you one night, outside of a restaurant back when you were touring for the “Medicine” CD. You were signing autographs and I watched you from a safe distance, you didn’t see me. I remember how beautiful you looked that night, your hair had gotten SO long and it was flowing loose down your back. I have to admit I couldn’t help but imagine you in my bed, naked with that gorgeous mane flowing around your body. And I would finally claim you as my own, as you would willingly give me your body and your love.

Contrary to what you have always believed I was not always talking shit about you. I was not bad mouthing you. But people ask about you and I was so hurt by the fact you kept walking out of my life. I am sure it showed in interviews. I am sure it showed any time your name came up.

You thought I was so nonchalant about your hip surgery. Trust me I wasn’t. I was scared too. Not as much as you obviously because I wasn’t going under the knife. But I had other fears. I couldn’t have survived if you hadn’t made it through the operation. I would slowly faded away if I knew you weren’t in the world anymore. I loved you so much and I couldn’t tell you that. And I wanted to be there for you so much. Damn Steve I would have carried you around for the months following the surgery if I had to. I would have never abandoned you when you couldn’t fend for your self. But you didn’t give me the chance to prove that. You just left and called your lawyer, never even saying a proper goodbye.

Then you were gone again. And this time for good. You went and had the surgery which was all we really wanted as a band. To have a front man be whole and able to tour with him. But then it was too late and you never looked back. It was if Journey and I never existed for you. You never once thought I might be hurting to… that I just wanted to see you, spend some time with you, hell even just to be able to call you on the phone would have meant so much. But you didn’t want any of that.

At the WOF ceremony I was so happy to see you. Everyone seen it and commented on it.I wanted to grab you and hold you and never let go. And I whispered in your ear PLEASE get in touch with me, please don’t disappear out of my life again. But even after that you blew me off .. ON camera. And that was it, here I was. Holding the bag as usual.

Steve I am telling you this because I need to clear the air. To let you know how I feel. That you are precious you to me, you always have been and always will be. No matter how the band ended for you and me I would never have traded the time together for anything. You are the most incredible person I have ever had in my life. I just hope before one of us passes from this earth we can see each other and talk once again. But if that is not going to happen please believe me, and remember always, that I care for you. More then words could ever express. So I hope where you are in life brings you happiness and that you find someone who loves you and cherishes you like you deserve. I will always be here and would be glad to have you in my life if you were willing. And since this may be the final time I ever get to communicate with you…. I want to say once more “ I Love you.”

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Neal sighed and signed his name to the letter. He picked up an envelope from the hotel's stationary folder and filled it out. He knew Steve' address by heart. Neal put a stamp on the letter and quietly slipped out of the room. He didn't want to wake Jon or have to answers questions. He just wanted to be alone with his thoughts. He walked down the lonely street despite the late hour. He got to the mailbox and dropped the letter in. There was no hesitation even though once he knew the letter was gone it was a done deal. Steve needed to be told the truth. And now he would be. Now Neal just prayed that they both had the strenght to deal with the end result.
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One night for a lifetime