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Boku no Inbai, Boku no Kodoku.	By : Semichan Category: Dir en grey > General Views: 1403 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 3
- 4
Title : Boku no Inbai, Boku no Kodoku.
Author : Semichan
Pairing (s) : Toshiya x Shinya… And more.

A/N : Here comes the 4th chapter ! It's been taking me a so long time finishing it ! >.< Anyway, it's done. Hope you enjoy it !

Chapter~4

I did what I've been told. I came back home. I walked, for a good hour; because of the cold, tiredness, and thoughtfulness. Seeing Daisuke somehow perturbed me, I can't deny it. Moreover, I wasn't thinking I would have a conversation with him one day, so… I was kinda taken aback, and I still am, in fact.
He gave me 60.000 yens. I still can't believe it. Shinya's gonna be completely stunned but at least, I bring something home. He so wanted me to stay earlier that coming back home without anything would have been frustrating him greatly. Also this reimburses our upcoming trip to Izu and even lets us around 20.000 yens, so yes, I definitely took the good decision tonight.

- I'm home ! I say rather lazily as I shut the door behind me, not really caring the neighbours could hear. It's Christmas, they can be a little more comprehensive.
- I'm in the bedroom ! I hear Shinya say and I smile to myself, getting rid of my shoes and coat, letting it fall to the ground carelessly.
I walk to the bedroom discreetly and get in, immediately spotting Shinya in the bed, fully awake and visibly doing nothing.
- Had fun ?
- Not really. You ? He raises a brow.
- Me neither. But I brought 60.000 yens ! I say smiling, almost jumping on the bed.
- What ? My boyfriend starts smiling too, sitting instantaneously. 60.000 yens ?! You're kidding me !?
- Absolutely not !
- Really ? I can't believe it ! Shinya almost exclaims as he takes me in his arms, shaking my body from side to side in happiness. I hug him back tightly, laughing lightly.
- I didn't believe it myself first when counting !
- But how did you do ? He suddenly asks, backing off.
- I just got lucky. I smile, hoping he won't ask more. I really don't want him to know about Daisuke. At least not yet.
- Damn yeah you got lucky ! He slaps one of my thighs with a giggle. Now what about we celebrate ?
- You were only waiting for this weren't you ? I laugh some more as I get rid of my top, earning a giggle from him.
- I said I wanted to spend that night with you, and believe me, I will !
- Just try not to wake up the whole neighbourhood, then…
- That'll be all your fault if I wake up the whole neighbourhood, baby. He retorts, shaking his head with a pout.
- Yeah right, it's all my fault again ! I smile and rolls my eyes, almost naked now.
Shinya starts undressing also, done with his clothing not even 5 seconds later.
- You were actually just wearing a shirt ? I arch a brow at said shirt.
- It's faster and easier. He shrugs his shoulders. Moreover I don't need more than just a shirt to sleep. I almost always end up naked with you anyway. Shinya adds as if he just said the most evident thing in the world.
- As if I was that perverted ! I chuckle.
- Yes you are ! He hits my thigh again, smirking.
- Anyway you love having a perverted lover in your bed. I say and bend over to kiss him on the lips, not giving him a chance to answer.

~

- You think you just saw Kaoru ? I repeat quite stupidly, holding my phone to my left ear quite tight.
- You said he's short ?
- Uhn. I nod firmly.
- Good-looking ?
- Uhn.
- Pink-headed ?
- Uh-uhn. I nod again, not knowing what to add.
- Well… I think that's him. Kyo concludes, chuckling softly.
- Come on Kyo, he might not be the ONLY one…
- PINK hair Totchi ! He insist, laughing.
- And so what ? I laugh too; He's not the only person to wear that hair color on earth !
- Of course not, but in our college I doubt they could be a dozen of something… Be lucid for a minute please.
- What "be lucid" ? I frown. 'As far as I know the fact I would have liked to see kaoru again doesn't have any kind of relation with him…'
- What ? Don't you wanna see him ?
- Yeah but… I sigh, standing up from the couch as I realize it's pretty late already; You know Kyo… It's not that easy ! I let out a somewhat nervous giggle.
- Why ?
- We absolutely don't know anything about each other ! I can't come to him and just say "Hello Kaoru ! How you doing since we fucked ?" …
- Of course not ! My friend answers, sounding visibly exasperated by my, yes, rather pessimistic behaviour; …But you can at least come here and see if it's him… You better hurry actually, cause I don't have a single clue's how long he's supposed to stay here on that bench.
- I'm grabbing my bag and I come, ok ? I say, awkwardly putting a coat on and looking for said bag around me.
- Why are you still home anyway ? Kyo suddenly says, almost growling. It's 7:45 ! You're late !
- I know !
- Get your ass out of this apartment right now and run to the closest subway line ! Kyo orders a bit ironically, making me roll my eyes.
- I'm leaving, Shinya ! I say quite loud then, glancing at the door of my bedroom for a while but nothing actually happens. 'Probably fell asleep again…' I sigh a bit and get out of my apartment, phone still next to my ear.
- So, Kyo; I say, locking the door behind me; How do you like our new year ?
- Honestly ? I liked 96 better.
- It's just been 6 days we're in 97 ! I laugh as I almost hop down the stairs, careful enough not to just miss one and fall on the floor though. That would be, after all, a bit stupid.
- I know, but first I hate happy new years and such, second I couldn't even spend it with you and Shinya and third I was forced to spend it with my family … How fun is that, really ?
- Surely as much as mine was, believe me ! I laugh.
- Yeah, right ! I'm sure you two had sex all night long and didn't even realize when midnight rang !
- How can my best friend think such things about me ? I fake-pout, even though Shinya and I actually didn't screw all night, even quite the contrary. We almost argued, and then he fell asleep, completely drunk. On my side I was kneeling in the bathroom, throwing up the 6 bottles of booze we emptied then. What a night.
- It's not my fault if you're the person you are ! Kyo laughs again; Well, you'll tell me everything later anyway, just hang up and hurry !
- Shut up ! I chuckle and indeed hang up, finally reaching the front door of the building and exiting it, turning on my right and starting walking fast, not looking in front of me as I quickly yet awkwardly open the zipper of my bag to throw my cellphone in it. Once done I replace my bag on my shoulder better and look up, stopping dead in my tracks all of a sudden. Oh my God. It's him.
- Hello…
Daisuke. Oh God.
- How are you ?
Fuck.
- I, uh… Err…
Fuck !
- I'm sorry if I'm scaring you but…
- Don't ! I suddenly react as I back off, earning a startled look from him.
- What's the matter ? Daisuke asks, arching an eyebrow.
- It's 8 in the morning and you're waiting in front of the building I live in, that's the matter. I answer extremely calmly, deciding walking again without caring. This guy completely blew me off not even 2 weeks ago and I should be happy ? Come on, I'm not that masochistic !
To my deep frustration he follows me though, sighing audibly.
- Toshiya, I… I know this all looks weird but please let me at least explain myself a bit…
- I don't have the time for that right now, don't you see ? I'm late already anyway !
- Wait ! He suddenly grabs my left arm and forces me to stop and turn to him.
I widen my eyes at the move and start to fear slightly, but I then realize I'm surrounded by thousands of people in these streets and easily can call for help if necessary. Why would he try such a thing in the middle of the streets in fact …?
- Where are you going ? I have my car to ride you. He proposes and I hesitate for a second, settling on what I judge the best.
- I can go by myself. I make him release me and walk away again.
- Who are you kidding ? It's almost 8 !
Suddenly I freeze.
- What do you mean ? I say, turning to face him and folding my arms on my chest.
- I mean it's 8 already and whatever you're doing, wherever it is, you're not gonna arrive anytime soon.
Why people I'm arguing with ALWAYS are the one who's right in the quarrel ? It's annoying, really.
- Please just come with me; I came all the way to your apartment to apologise so let me at least a chance to do so. Daisuke then adds, hands on his hips.
I start to wonder. First of all; why the hell does he wanna apologize ? And then… How does he know where I live ? I just feel extremely persecuted now but well. Although, I can't help myself and take a quick look at my watch, scowling.
- Ok, right, just bring me to my college and tell me why the hell you know where I live. I say aggressively; on purpose; and start walking, waiting for him to show me where he parked his car.

- You followed me ? I say in total disbelief, reconsidering the fact I accepted to come in his car.
- I'm truly sorry. I know that's kinda freaky but I had no choice, really…
- Why did you do that ?
- I wanted to see you again; I thought that came without saying. He says, glancing at me right now and then, concentrating on the road though he's driving rather calmly.
- I thought "I wasn't interesting you". I repeat his own words, earning a sigh from him.
- You're not making it easy on me…
- Life's not easy my dear. I shake my head.
- You're not gonna teach me how life works. Daisuke responds, sounding a bit bitter now. Can't you be nice even for a second ? I'm trying to be kind and drive a person a barely know to their college and what ? They're disputing me !
- Sorry but I've got enough problems not to wonder about someone invading my personal life like that and standing out of the building I live in at 8 in the morning !
An unexpected long and heavy silence takes places and I can't help but grimace, turning my head to look at the quite full streets out the window. 'You've been a bit too reactive Toshiya…… Maybe.'
Just as I'm about to open my mouth to speak again I hear Daisuke sighs and I look back at him, frowning when I realize he abruptly changes his way on the road and starts driving more quickly.
- What the hell do you think you're doing ?! I say quite loud, eyes wide.
- We need to talk.
- We can talk in the car ! Where are you going ?! I add a bit panicked. 'And now I'm being kidnapped !'
Despite my rather simple question I get no answer whatsoever and feel even more ill at ease, not knowing what to do anymore.
Not even five minutes later we arrive in some basement parking and I frown once again. Either he's gonna rape me; or better, he's gonna kill me. In any case the situation isn't really enticing.
For some unknown reason I stay completely silent and cross my arms on my chest slowly, sighing a bit. Daisuke glances at me discreetly and quickly comes to park his car, turning the engine off and sighing too, letting his hands fall to his lap kinda limply. He looks at me hesitantly and I can't help but raise a brow, definitely not getting what's happening to me.
- What ? I let out, quite harshly.
- The more you blow me off the more I want to get to know you, that's terrible. He answers with a small smile, shaking his head.
- Pardon ? I chuckle, involuntarily.
- Sadly that's true. He nods to himself, eyes down now.
I stay looking at him for a quite long while then, truly wondering what's wrong with this guy. Nobody can possibly be that kind while having such wicked ideas.
- What kind of weird person are you, really …? I ask, my tone softening a little.
- I don't know. He chuckles a little, shaking his head no once more.
- What do you want exactly ? I then ask, a bit impatiently. Cause I don't understand much of anything right now you see ?
- You're what I want. Daisuke responds frankly, nodding towards me.
I almost choke at that.
- That's a joke right ?
Right as I end my sentence he grabs my face and kisses me on the lips, making me back off and hit the roof of the car rather violently. I whine a bit and rub my head with one of my hands, not really daring looking up at the boy seated next to me anymore. What to do now …?
- I'm sorry. Daisuke instantly apologizes, indeed sounding very sorry.
- I'm not single. I whisper uneasily then, still not looking at him. 'How come I wish I was though ?'
- I… I know.
- Huh ? This time I do look up.
- You… Told it… Already. Daisuke burbles uncomfortably and I let out a feeble sigh, averting my eyes. I honestly think I never ever felt so awkward in my whole life. What am I supposed to do ?
- I know you aren't single but… I just can't get you out of my head and…
- But that's not how it works !
- I'm not giving up until I got a positive response. He suddenly says, almost cutting me off.
I pale.
- Wh… I mutter; gaze down; What can I say ? I smile nervously, really not getting anything anymore.
- Listen; Daisuke shifts a bit on his seat to face me better; It's been a full year I'm coming to you like every week, and… I really can't stand this anymore.
- Then just stop coming. I weakly say, not looking at him that much. I'm completely lost.
- But I can't !
- Why ?
- I… Daisuke hesitates and lets out a low sigh after a short while, slowly bringing one hand to my face and cheek.
I more or less stay waiting and silent, looking at him in the eyes now. Damn, I'm done again.
As I've been expecting, a few seconds later he gets closer to me and locks our lips again, visibly waiting for any reaction from me that could cheer him on to follow. I slowly close my eyes and sigh mentally, shifting a bit also to get closer to him and responding to his kiss slightly. At that exact moment he backs off and looks up at me, somewhat surprised.
- Go on… Before I change my mind…
He faintly nods to himself and closes the distance between us again, this time much more boldly. I press my lips against his also and let out a mix of a moan and a sigh, a bit deceived. Of myself of course. 'Congratulations Toshiya ! You're currently kissing one of your client in his car and skipping the first day of class 1997 ! And now, what about your personal vow which consisted in not to kiss anyone but Shinya ? Gone ! Like your pride…' I bit back another sigh of frustration and try to get again closer to Daisuke in the car to be more comfortable; cause after all, now, better enjoy everything rather than mulling over stupidly. What's done is done. I accepted his kiss. I'm not gonna run out of the car now ! That would be kinda impolite. And if truth be told, I'm not feeling that lost anymore.
Just as I open my mouth a bit more to deepen our kiss Daisuke breaks it quite brusquely and backs off once more, looking completely dumbfounded. I frown.
- What's wrong ? I almost whisper.
- I… urr… He looks elsewhere uneasily; I'm sorry, I'm… Making you miss your class… He adds and comes to turn the engine on, taking the steering wheel in hands.
I frown even more and stay mouth agape for a short while before taking word again, stunned.
- You're not gonna drive to my college are you ?
- I don't wanna cause you more problems. Daisuke shakes his head as he actually starts leaving the parking, earning some more startled expressions from me. 'Damn, what's he doing ?! I'm dreaming or what ?'
- Stop that ! I say quite loud, grabbing the wheel without thinking.
- Hey, careful ! He answers a bit panicked by my slightly inconsiderate gesture and stops manoeuvring for a while; sighing and looking at me.
- What kind of joke is that ? I finally ask, half exasperated, half hopeless. You… You're bringing me here, in some basement and tell me all these weird stuff and then we… We kiss and what ? You start driving away !
We both stay silent after my little outburst, apparently not knowing what to say. I actually don't because I'm waiting for an answer but he got no valuable excuse, sorry.
- I'm driving you to your college. Daisuke suddenly breaks the stillness and looks right in front of him, restarting driving again; to my dismay.
- No you're not ! I respond and grab his left arm, somehow forcing him to stop.
He glares at me a bit at the move again but I shrug it off; sighing audibly now.
- You know what you're gonna do ? You're gonna exit this parking and drive to the nearest hotel, love hotel, whatever; cause we really need to talk !
I get no reaction at all save for the fact he seems to obey and gets out of the parking kinda slowly, driving away in silence then.
- Tell me…
- Hm ? I raise a brow; slightly surprised by him speaking all of a sudden.
- Why a hotel ? If you wanna talk we can go to some café…
That bastard… He perfectly know why I said -Hotel- and not -Café-. No way in hell I'm gonna admit it though. He's dreaming here.
- Just drive… I sigh half heartedly, hoping he won't ask; or tease; more.
- As you wish. Daisuke answers with a small smile, that I, quite don't like to be frank. 'Why did I mention the love hotel too…? How stupid that was. Now he's obviously gonna bring me to a love hotel. Moreover in Shinjuku…There's a lot of choice… '
Suddenly, my phone rings and I widen my eyes, absolutely not expecting such a thing to happen. I was completely lost in my thoughts not even a second ago. I see the redhead man next to me jump slightly and glance at me for a while as I rummage through my bag that is resting between my legs, soon taking the quite annoying object out of it and answering.
- Hello ?
- What the HELL do you think you're doing Totchi ?!
I cringe. Kyo.
- I'm sorry Kyo-kun… I almost whimper, panicking as I try making up something in my head fast to explain my non-presence.
- Not only the love of your life disappeared from view but also you completely abandoned me and I'm all alone in this stupid college for the first day now !!
- Calm down Kyo… I sigh. I said I was sorry, Ok ? The line isn't working. I lie and hear Daisuke chuckling lightly. I turn my head and literally glare flames at him for a second, feeling a great urge to slap him now.
- The line isn't working ! My friend repeats at the other end of the phone, visibly not believing a single word of it. I would even have preferred you to admit you finally chose to stay with Shinya in your bed for the remaining of the morning, Toshiya…
- But Kyo, listen-- I start off when he suddenly hangs up, leaving me quite taken aback.
After a quite long silence Daisuke speaks, unwillingly startling me again.
- Hung up ?
- Uh-uhn. I nod twice, still surprised by Kyo's reaction. 'That absolutely doesn't resemble him !'
- If I may ask…
- It was my best friend. I answer before he can end his sentence, perfectly knowing what he was gonna ask.
- Ah.
- He… Well, let's say he's a bit upset I'm not coming this morning.
- Really ? That's a bit childish.
- I guess so. I sigh again, discreetly. I think he didn't go to class anyway, since he's calling me…
- So why is he complaining ? Daisuke chuckles.
- I'm the only person he ever talks with. I chuckle also.
- Oh… That changes a few things then. He says, cocking his head to the side a bit with a smile.
- Kyo and I are the two most antisocial persons of the college, probably. I add with a laugh, feeling weird talking of my life with him.
- Antisocial ? You aren't, as far as I can see. He smiles.
- Well… I maybe am not truly antisocial… I let out a short and slightly nervous giggle; but in any case I ain't really at ease with people when I first meet them.
Daisuke seems surprised by my answer and frowns a bit.
- You weren't exactly uncomfortable with me when we met in the streets some days ago now…
- Believe me, I was. I just try to conceal everything as much as I can.
- Really ? He sounds amazed; Then you can be proud, you're very good at that !
- I don't know. I shake my head with a smile, averting my eyes and looking outside again.
- The Hilton hotel isn't too far away, mind going there ?
'The Hilton hotel ??' I widen my eyes madly.
- Um…
- Don't worry, I'm paying. Daisuke assures and I can't help but frown slightly, more or less to myself. The fact I'm rather poor always makes me feel miserable, for some reason. I so hate people's pity… And help. I assume it's just because of my probably too high ego. Anyway.
I stay completely silent until we arrive then, so does he. Once parked we both get out of his car and start walking to the hotel.
- I never went there before. I kinda mumble, looking at him hesitantly.
- Yeah ?
- Kind of… Too expensive for me. I admit difficultly, trying to put on a smile though.
- Hm. He nods twice, getting bit closer to me in the process.
We keep on walking for a short while and finally reach the big lobby, entering the building. I can't help but stare at every single thing surrounding me now . Not only I'm not really spending much time in hotels, but this ain't really the kind of hotel I come to when I have a chance to. Actually, I am not the one coming to hotels, I'm rather -brought- to them by someone else… When I'm 'lucky' if I may say. Cause most of the time everything takes place on the backseat of a car.
Before I can realize what's happening Daisuke takes one of my hands and drags me to a lift in silence, walking quite fast.
- Which floor ? I ask somewhat absentmindedly, looking at the reception desks behind me. I was so caught up in thought I didn't even realize he asked for a room…
- Twentieth.
- How many floors this building has exactly ? I ask with a small laugh as we get into the elevator now, not really waiting for an answer.
- I don't really know. Daisuke smiles; but there's like 800 rooms or something, I think. He adds with a shrug.
- I never saw a hotel with much than … Well, maybe 50 rooms. I laugh.
- It's not the number that makes a hotel good you know. He smiles again; Look, the Park Hyatt has 180 rooms, and it's probably one of the most luxurious hotel of Shinjuku.
- You're a specialist in classy hotels or what ?
- Not really. He shakes his head, averting his eyes now. The persons I frequent are though.
- Oh. That explains it then. I nod with a smile, locking my eyes on our still entangled hands. That's a pretty weird gesture coming from a person I actually hardly know but after all, rather cute too.
- So… Daisuke takes word again after a little silence; You're going to the college ?
- Yep. I nod, waiting for a following.
- Isn't it… Slightly difficult to conciliate it with what you do at night ? He then asks, noticeably unsure of himself now.
I stay silent for a while before finding the right thing to respond, sighing a bit.
- Of course it is… But I'm not doing it for fun.
- I didn't mean to offend you, ne.
- Don't worry, I'm used to that anyway. And you ?
- What me ? He says, startled.
- What are you doing ? College, work…
- Oh ! Um… I stopped studying almost 2 years ago.
- Ah ? I raise a brow. 'At 19 …? '
- In fact I'm currently the director of a quite big industry.
- What ?! I involuntarily exclaim as I widen my eyes, letting go of his hand too. But you… You're so…
- …"Young" I know. He smiles, gaze down. I took my father's place, that's all. If he was still there I probably wouldn't be doing the same thing at all.
His father… He's Dead ?
- Oh. I nod to myself, looking down also.
At that exact moment the bell signalling us we arrived at the right floor rings and we both jump slightly, looking at each other for a second before exiting the rather narrow lift to take the hallway and walk to our room; which I still don't know the number actually.
Daisuke grabs my hand once more and leads us to said room quickly, visibly accustomed to that kind of stuff. We enter the, to my surprise, enormous room in silence and walk towards the center of it hand in hand. I'm in complete awe but try to hide it as much as can not to look too stupid. 'Oh my god. We can see the whole district from the window… '
- …And Fuji-san too ! I say aloud without realizing as I hop to the windowpane, putting both hands on it.
Daisuke laughs softly as he removes his coat, scarf and all, putting them on one of the armchairs of the room.
- Sorry…; I giggle a bit; But I actually never really saw it.
- No kidding ? He asks.
- Trust me, the little I saw was on TV.
- You must be the only person in this country not to have seen it ! Daisuke jokes as he walks to me, encircling my waist with both arms all of a sudden. I tense a tad bit but say nothing, concentrating on the scenery outside again.
- You should take that off. He then says, referring to my coat.
I nod faintly and start unzipping my coat slowly; not looking at him. He releases me for a minute and helps me getting rid of it, almost throwing it to the same armchair he put his stuff on earlier.
- So; you wanna talk ? He then asks as he replaces his hands on my hips, pressing his body against mine a bit.
Do I want to talk ? … Not sure. But I'm not certain I want to do something else either.
- I'm not sure. I decide to respond, perfectly knowing the great insinuation I just let out here; despite the fact I wasn't meaning it first.
- What do you want to do then ? Daisuke whispers as he puts his head on my right shoulder, holding me to him tight.
Uh-oh. I think I'm trapped now. Not that I'm truly complaining, though.
- What do you say… I slowly turn around to face him, soon placing my arms on his back; …We cut it to the chase ?
- Which means ? He asks with a grin.
- Which means you take me to the bed… I nod towards said bed; And show me you're someone honest.
Daisuke arches an eyebrow at my sentence but do brings me to the bed and makes me sit on it, he, standing in front of me.
- …Someone honest ?
- Show me I am truly what you want. I then add boldly and he brings a hand to my face, gently stroking one of my cheeks as he looks at me with an expression I can't quite place in my mind now. 'What's that ? Desire…? Lust ?'
- You're gorgeous, Toshiya.
- Even like that ? I ask, earning a slight frown from him.
- What ?
- Without makeup. Without …a skirt. I respond, a bit too coldly, maybe.
- Of course you are. Daisuke confirms with a smile, making my heart melt. This guy's so sweet.
- Excuse the poor phrasing, but that's not the whore I fell for. He suddenly adds with a negative shake of his head, looking truly serious now. '"Fell for"…?'
- You never saw me as a 'boy' before though, right ?
- That's true. But I'm not upset at all. He says with a short laugh, still caressing my cheek.
I close my eyes for a second as I unwillingly lean into the touch, biting back an appreciative sigh.
- You have a boyfriend ?
My eyes shot open and I frown, staying silent for a short while.
- Pardon ?
Why does he ask that just now ? I told him I wasn't single already !
- Just answer me please. Daisuke says gently, nodding towards me weakly.
- Yeah, I have one. I let out immediately; for some unknown reason; lowering my head. Why do I feel that miserable now ?
- Hm. He nods, falling silent now.
- Why do you ask ? I voice my thoughts now, putting a hand on one of his thighs to somewhat stroke him a bit. Now we're here I don't really wanna go back to my college. Or my apartment for that matter.
- Don't laugh but… ; He starts off, smiling awkwardly; … I doubted for some seconds that you could have been straight.
I almost choke with a laugh at that. No way !
- Don't laugh ! Daisuke repeats, pushing me a bit with one hand. You simply said you were single ! You never mentioned you were with a boy !
Oh; true. That could have been misleading indeed.
- I've never been into women, don't worry. I say with a small laugh, lowering my gaze once more.
- I wasn't really worried. He answers, making me raise my head with his right hand tenderly.
I stay silent then, waiting.
- You came here. You're in front of me now.
I must admit I haven't been really hard to convince, that's true.
- Yeah. I just respond, nodding a bit.
A silence takes place and I can't help but frown slightly, trying to hide it though. Even if, of course, I can make a pretty long list of the reasons why I accepted to come here… I have to admit I'm feeling kinda lost also.
Daisuke moves a bit forward and suddenly pass a hand through my hair smoothly, visibly wanting my attention, or at least a bit of responsiveness; I suppose.
- Sorry, I' not that awkward usually. I state then, looking up at him and putting my hands on his hips, parting my legs slightly to let him some room to stand between them.
- We're in a pretty weird situation after all. He chuckles, getting closer again, now letting his arms hang loosely around my neck.
- What about you kiss me now ? I just answer then, shifting a bit on the bed to sit more comfortably and eventually let him join me or something.
Daisuke doesn't respond whatsoever but moves and comes to straddle me, seating himself on my lap. He tightens his hold around my neck for support and immediately kisses me on the lips. I let out a discreet little moan and close my eyes, slowly bringing my arms around his back. This feels so weird. I haven't kissed anyone but Shinya since more than a year. Save for Kyo, of course, but that was different anyway… I guess. Well, it is, cause Kyo is just my friend. I never slept with him and I won't. While here… I already had sex with Daisuke, even if that was rather brief and unloving. Though yeah, that wasn't dislikeable in spite of everything. And also… He was the very first guy I ever slept with. That gives him some kind of a big advantage, I can't deny it. Even though he just doesn't know it.
As we keep on kissing we start undressing too; rather awkwardly; both visibly doing our best not to actually break the kiss. After some more gawky movements I do though and giggle softly, grasping Daisuke's waist as I lie down on the bed, rolling us over so I'm on top of him now. I quickly realize my partner seems to misunderstand my gesture though and I laugh a bit, giving him a quick kiss before speaking.
- If you're worrying about who's gonna be on top you can stop it right now.
He frowns.
- What do you mean with that ?
- I mean you're gonna be Seme, don't worry. I chuckle and he visibly relaxes, smiling somewhat shyly.
Damn, I'm forced to be Seme since a whole year already, I'm not gonna keep that role with every other guy I meet.
- You know, I actually couldn't say what you were when it came to that.
- Huh ? I blink.
- If you were… Uke… Or Seme. Daisuke lets out, quite embarrassedly; stroking one of my thighs as I'm now straddling him.
Do I spit everything out or not ? Cause yeah, I'm actually both of them… It just depends on the person I'm with.
- Wanna know the truth ? I finally decide being honest.
He nods.
- I'm more of an Uke usually… But my boyfriend is even more than me. I finish, a bit awkwardly. This is just too weird talking of your boyfriend when you're currently cheating on him.
- Oh… He looks down. So you …?
- Uh-uhn. I nod too, lying on him more and getting closer to his face. I take him, cause I know he won't switch up roles, ever.
- And you like it ? He asks, brushing our lips.
- Not really. I shake my head a little, eyes locked on his lips. You know… At the beginning, as long as I had release, it was Ok, but now…
- You need something else ? Daisuke whispers, eyes slightly half lidded now.
I nod twice and kiss him again, more hungrily, rubbing our groins a bit.
- I so like having someone inside of me… I always liked it best… ; I whisper between kisses; my hands roaming Daisuke's whole upper body slowly; feeling more and more eager as seconds pass by. If I was a bit perturbed by the fact I might be cheating on my pseudo-lover a few minutes before; believe me, I don't give a damn fuck anymore.
- You're one of the rare boy I ever heard saying that. He whispers back, smiling rather fondly, kissing me too.
- Yeah ?
- Generally, men are all trying to be the domineering one.
- You're one of these men too ? I ask with a nod towards him, smirking. If I knew I would like being around this guy so much; without even having sex with him; I would have done it before already. Either we're magically getting along together; or; and that's the more probable; Shinya is an extremely boring and exigent person who makes my life a living nightmare without me truly realizing.
- Honestly ? He grins, raising an eyebrow.
- Honestly.
- No.
- Oh really ? I say, mocking him a bit. I thought you were slightly afraid I could have been the one in charge earlier, when I simply changed our position…
- Yeah, that's true; he admits; but that's just because I really want you… That way. He adds, looking at me seriously now, right in the eyes.
- Which way ? I repeat then, holding his gaze and almost whispering.
- I want you… Wholly. I wanna be inside you… Hear your voice… I wanna give you pleasure… See your face when you come… Daisuke lists in an, incredibly sensual way, starting making me feel a bit too tight in my pants. I'm pretty sure these words in someone else's mouth wouldn't have been affecting me in any way, but now… Damn. I feel cherished. And what a strange feeling that is.
- You're making me so hard… I admit with a small chuckle, averting my eyes.
- You too. He chuckles too, purposely bucking his hips up a bit.
- Don't do that again, please…! I laugh, getting closer to lock our lips again.
Daisuke giggles in our kiss slightly and suddenly stops stroking my thighs and back to bring his hands to the zipper of my jeans. I sit up straight to help him out and he laughs in some kind of surprise now, eyes glued on the noticeable bulge in my pants.
- Looks like you're kinda hard indeed. He chuckles, working on the zipper.
- Oh, and what's that ? I then say, shoving my hips into his quite hard, getting the expected reaction from him.
His expression suddenly changes and he opens his mouth for a second in an almost silent gasp, looking at me with an awkward smile right after.
- Your own speech got you hard or what ? I laugh as I get off of him for a while to remove my now open pants; keeping my underwear on for the moment.
- I am because of all these kisses and rubbing you do since you're lying on me ! Daisuke answers as he sits on the bed and starts getting rid of his pants too, quickly. He, too, doesn't remove his boxers and looks at me expectantly now.
- So…Wanna fuck or… Do you wanna make love ? I ask, smiling a bit at the words. I don't use them that frequently…
He looks surprised for a second.
- Do I deserve the second proposition ? You barely know me after all. He jokes, smiling too.
- Come on; I start off, straddling his lap again; After all you're the firs… I suddenly stop dead in my tracks. Oh no.
I widen my eyes somehow unconsciously and turn my head a little, trying to avoid his face now. 'What the hell is going on is that silly brain of yours, Toshiya ?!'
- What ?
I look back at Daisuke for a second and reaches out to kiss him on the lips, deeply hoping he didn't hear. Please God, be nice for once, I didn't even end my sentence ! Make him forget what he just heard…
- Wait, wait…
As I thought, he pushes me away, not looking so joyful anymore.
- What were you going to say ?
- Nothing at all. I look down, perfectly knowing that's over now. It's always the same schema. Once I'm comfortable with someone, no matter who, I find something unpleasant to say without even meaning it. Damn me.
- Did you say 'first' ?
He looks so serious. I wish I could die now. I sigh.
- I'm your first what ? Daisuke keeps on having his one sided conversation, now grabbing my shoulders.
A long, heavy, and most of all horrible silence takes place then and I feel all the excitation inside of me leaving my limbs, vanishing at an incredibly fast pace. Why am I not able to do something normally ? I screw up constantly !
- Hey… Suddenly he shakes me a bit, gently, sounding weirdly kind.
- Toshiya… Look at me, will you ? He makes me raise my head with his right hand now.
He doesn't look angry. Maybe he actually didn't understand yet.
- Tell me… Is it… The kind of first things I'm thinking of ?
- Depends… On what you think. I let out with much difficulty, not even recognizing my voice anymore. How come this is making me feel so bad ?
- Am I the first guy you had sex with ? He asks bluntly, earning some kind of, I bet, shocked look from me.
- …You are. I just respond, after a long moment pondering on the best thing to say. What else can I say anyway ?
Another silence; very much expected this time; takes place and I sigh, heavily, looking elsewhere. 'What am I doing here ?' Just as I shift a little to stand up Daisuke grabs my waist firmly, forcing me to stay in place. I can't help but frown. 'Isn't he supposed to throw me out of the room now ?'
- You ain't going anywhere. He says and kisses me; coming to make us lie on the bed then, him on top of me.
- That doesn't change anything. He whispers and kisses me again, tenderly stroking one of my cheeks.
I sigh mentally as I close my eyes, parting my legs and holding him to me, starting showing a bit of responsiveness to his ministrations. Damn, I though this was the end. Still… That's odd. This guy seems too nice to be real. Nothing seems to actually affect him.
I decide, after some more quite passionate kisses, not to waste time anymore and bring my hands to the hem of his underwear, wanting it off. I almost lost my hard-on because of that stupid incident, so better have some kind of stimulation right now.
- Wait… Daisuke breaks our liplock and puts a hand on one of mines; Don't you wanna take it slow ?
- We can take it slow once we've started it all.
- Pardon ? He chuckles.
- I'm not a foreplay lover. I somewhat lie as I pull his last article of clothing down his legs, a bit awkwardly till I can't put it further anymore, then tries taking care of mine, but hardly succeed because of, actually, Daisuke half lying on me currently. He gets off of me the following second then and removes his underwear completely, watching me doing the same. Feeling greatly embarrassed all of a sudden I lie down on the bed again and brings him with me by the waist, parting my legs once more to let him some room.
- I feel like I'm 15 or something right now… I admit, gaze down.
- Believe me or not, but me too. Daisuke giggles softly, brushing some strands of my hair away from my face, looking at me in what could look like some kind of loving way.
- Sorry for the very romantic comment I'm gonna make but…
- What ?
- I guess there's no lubricant in this room since it's a 'normal' hotel… I say as I realize I'm definitely not a planner. At least not anymore. Cause not only 6 months ago, I couldn't even go to the supermarket without a tube of lubricant in my bag or my coat.
- I didn't even think of that ! Daisuke says in clear exasperation, cursing himself.
- Maybe you just weren't planning on having me surrendering either. I deduce with a short laugh, giving him a light kiss.
- That's true. He cocks his head to the side, smiling cutely. Wanna use saliva ? He proposes then and I shake my head no. Not only this is longer, laborious, but also, far from as good as lube so no, thank you.
- I think I still have a few condoms in my coat… He suddenly stands up from the bed to look for said coat, soon retrieving various condoms indeed.
- That's not "having a few condoms" ! I say chuckling, pointing at his hands. He comes to the bed and sits on it again, next to me, showing me what he got.
- If you happen to have some lubricated ones it'd be handy.
- Ah! There you go. He shows the wanted item up and hands it to me.
- A bit lazy, aren't we ? I get slightly closer to him and lock our lips again as I rip the small sachet open, blindly taking the rubber out and guiding my hands down to his erection; breaking our kiss for a second to put it on correctly. I feel him tense under my touch and bite back a gasp, looking at me deep in the eyes again. I still can't grasp it. Save for these little things he doesn't seem the least bit affected by anything. Daisuke's one of the first guys I met who's able to have a normal conversation and stay composed with a ready-to-explode hard-on.
I give him a few shallow kisses before coming to lie down on the bed once again, this time for good though. I hope at least. Daisuke follows me and comes to rest in between my parted legs again , soon taking my right leg in hand to push it up. I shift my body a bit and spread my legs as wide as I can to facilitate him the job a little. He looks up at me before positioning himself and starting entering me, extremely slowly, now not leaving my face with his eyes even for a single second. I cringe a tad bit and let out a shy whimper, holding onto his right forearm on my side with my hand.
- You Ok ? He asks, kindly, carrying on inserting himself inside of me.
- It's Ok… I kind of moan now, throwing my head back a little as I can feel more and more of him sliding into me, strangely, rather easily.
Not long after he releases my leg; that I instantaneously hook around his waist; and repositions himself a bit, putting his second hand on my side also.
- Do you need a bit of time before we start ?
- No please…! Let's just get started… I smile a bit and bring my right hand behind his neck, pulling him down for a kiss. He should know that, knowing what I do, that I'm kind of used to be, in actual fact, roughed up.
- I just want this to be good for us both. Daisuke murmurs and kisses me sweetly; slowly drawing out of me right after he spoke, thrusting back in not so gently though; earning a short gasp from me. He repeats the action once; twice; third… And then I start wondering why the hell I'm living with someone who doesn't care I don't like having sex the way they want to. I definitely can't compare what I feel with Shinya with …The rest. That's just so not comparable.
- I miss that so much… I half say, half moan; eyes closed. I could never figure why I almost always end up like that when I would feel pleasure but well.
- What ? Daisuke kind of pants; concentrating on keeping a steady rhythm.
- This… I answer pushing my hips back against his to make him understand, pressing on him more with my leg also.
The only response I get from him is a groan and some harder thrusts then; actually making me let out some moans also. I'm a pretty vocal person basically, but that doesn't please everybody, so, most of the time, I have to keep more or less silent, or measure my voice. From what I see here my way of being doesn't seem to annoy him, he apparently doesn't try to conceal his own moans and all so…
After a wile staying in that same position, Daisuke bends down on me to kiss me, slowing down his pace too. I raise my head up from the pillow a bit to be closer to him and kiss him back quite vehemently, my hands releasing his forearms to come to his face and neck. Some more kisses, licks and brief locks later I suddenly decide changing things a little and grab his waist firmly, using all my weight to roll us over and straddle him. He lets out a moan as I do and looks at me, both surprised and keyed up. I grin a little and puts both hands on each side of his head for good support, readjusting myself on him at the same time.
- Mind that ? I then ask, obviously knowing the response I'm gonna get just by looking at Daisuke's current expression.
- Not at all… He shakes his head no, stroking my sides a bit before positioning his hands on my hips.
I smirk a bit more as I bend down to kiss him again, starting moving on top of him rather slowly. That might be the first time in ages I'm on top of someone without actually being Seme…
- Remember me to ask for your number when we're done… I almost whisper, still smirking, face a few inches from his only.
- I would have even if you hadn't ask. He answers with a smile, stroking one of my thighs.
- Really ?
- I'm not gonna let you go like that, you know. He chuckles and I do so also, locking our lips again then.
Good. Cause I don't want him to…

~

It's almost 11AM now, Daisuke and I made love for nearly 2 hours, and since then we're resting in bed, more or less hugging each other. Weird ? Yeah, completely.
- We should have done this earlier… I voice my thoughts as they come by, not looking at anything precise.
He laughs.
- Could we ?
I look at him now, staying silent for a while. I don't really know, but…
- …Probably. I shrug my shoulders a bit, putting a small smile on.
- I couldn't resolve myself to talk to you though. Daisuke admits then, smiling too.
- I can understand that.
After all that's not truly easy trying building a relationship with … Well, a prostitute. Especially when you're one of their regular clients.
- I'm happy you were here that night though.
- I didn't think I would say that one day but me too. I laugh slightly, earning a cute little pout from him.
- You're a so nice person.
- Be happy, you got me where you wanted so…
He frowns now.
- What ? I arch an eyebrow at him, backing off unconsciously. What did I say wrong -again- ?
- I didn't just wanna have sex with you. That' s not the reason why I tried contacting you like that… Daisuke says visibly offended, sounding a bit bitter all of a sudden.
My first though, honestly, is "Oh, really?" but I keep it well hidden in my head, trying maintaining a normal face and speak again.
- Whatever the case is; this was great, really. I say and snuggle up to him, trying avoiding any other possibly serious conversation. For the moment at least.
- Yeah ? He asks, sounding a bit surprised.
- Hearing me like that for 2 hours didn't convince you enough ? I mumble shyly, averting my eyes now.
Despite the whole situation, that's still pretty embarrassing to be so close to someone you don't really know and look at them in the eyes.
- You are perfect. He says all of a sudden, taking my face in his left hand.
I blink at him for some second, in utter silence, not succeeding making the link with what I just said and this very odd sentence he just let out. '…There's no link at all !' I frown to myself and I hear him giggle, bringing me back to reality all of a sudden.
- What's the matter ? He laughs some more.
- What you just said. I nod towards him. I'm all but perfect ! I giggle too now, deciding this adjective definitely doesn't and won't fit me, ever. Did he truly look at me or is he just completely blind ? I'm not perfect on any point !
- And so what ? That's what I think.
- I-am-not-perfect. I insist, giving him a small slap on one of his cheek with a chuckle.
- Yes you are.
- You don't even know me ! I'm a real bitch in daily life ! I laugh some more, knowing I'm actually not that hard to live with; I'm just a bit moody but nothing more.
- I doubt that… He smiles and encircles my body now, coming to lie on top of me, kissing me tenderly.
Why does it all look like we're a true couple ? Shinya and I don't even act like that after a whole year…
- Wanna see ? I whisper and he looks back at me in silence, stunned.
I know. I just proposed him to share my life here but well.
- Hell yes I want to. He responds still looking amazed, kissing me again, more eagerly.
I kiss him back as heatedly as he does now; holding him in my arms, not wanting to let go.

What did I do…?

- You're kidding me, aren't you ? Kyo says in a weird tone, holding his glass of water tightly, not drinking nor eating anything anymore.
- Absolutely not. I respond somehow ironically; although feeling a bit awkward. I saw him again a few weeks ago and we just spent the whole morning having sex; now you know why I wasn't here at least.
- Why on earth did you do such a thing ?! He almost exclaims, making a few persons in the cafeteria jump and frown at us.
- Please, lower. I say with a sigh. I got enough emotions for today…
- You cheated on Shinya, Totchi !
- I know, thank you !
If I decided telling my best friend the truth it was not for him to give some moralistic lecture right after.
- But; before you can add anything more, my life isn't as cool as you seem to think it is; and Shinya is horribly hard to support every single day, and wasn't even living with me a month ago so I don't owe him anything !
Damn, that got me angry in less than a second.
- He still is your boyfriend Toshiya. Kyo shakes his head no slowly.
- My boyfriend ? I laugh; Come on Kyo; we fuck, and talk sometimes; or HE talks rather, but that's all we do ! Oh and yeah, he yells at me when I don't come home before 6; which is actually, impossible for me to do, so I get yelled at every fucking day and despite that I have to respond Mr's advances when he's needy and just shut the fuck up ! I hate fucking someone else and I'm forced to do it with him; he stays in bed all day without doing anything and don't even go out at night anymore; he's spoiling my whole life, damn it ! And you all want me to be happy and receptive after that ?!
A long silence suddenly takes place all around us and I realize I've been startling the whole refectory with my little speech; and also, just made the whole school aware of my homosexuality. I'm probably currently living the strangest day of my miserable life but well.
My friends now stands speechless, literally ogling at me.
- Anyway… I say far much lower as I avert my eyes embarrassedly; You don't know anything about my life Kyo so please, stay out of it when it comes to my personal relationships.
- That's clear at least. He says as he widens his eyes a bit, looking elsewhere too.
- I didn't mean it that way, sorry. I apologise as I realize I've been slightly ruthless here. I just… I just mean you really can't judge how it's going on with Shinya… And such. My love life is a terrible mess Kyo… See, we almost… I nod towards him a bit, not knowing if the topic would be welcomed or not.
- I never ever planned on fucking you, Totchi. He states coldly, visibly offended now.
- Which didn't restrain you from actually sucking me off but well. I shrug my shoulders as I try being as sarcastic as I can now, and as loud as I can too. He's starting to annoy me, really. I never planned on doing anything with him either, but come on, we kissed, I jerked him off and he gave me a blowjob. I don't consider that as a -true- and normal friendship, sorry.
- What did I do for having you so mean to me today ? He almost whispers now, looking angry.
- You playing personal psychologist with me, that's all. I answer and stand up from my chair; deciding leaving the college for today. I don't care anymore at this point anyway, it's midday and I didn't come to any class so fuck them all; cause as much as I don't wanna see Shinya right now, I truly can't stand someone criticising my way of living either when I'm just trying to talk with them normally.
- Wait, Toshiya ! I hear him standing up hurriedly and following me, soon reaching my level and grabbing one of my arms.
- Fucking leave me alone ! I refuse his arm and push him away; earning a growl from him.
- The brat is back again, right ? He says as angrily as me now, making me sigh loudly.
Can't he just stop talking ?!
- Come on Toshiya, I'm just giving an opinion !
- Keep your stupid morality inside next time cause I really don't need it. I state, shaking my head, now exiting the refectory.
- It's not morality Toshiya ! He stops walking then, standing at the enter of the building.
- What is it then ? I turn around to face him. You're telling me not to do this and that; that I shouldn't cheat on Shinya, that I shouldn't do anything but stay home and be nice to him in fact ! I say, gesturing my arms a bit in the air.
He sighs.
- You know Kyo-kun… I sigh too before continuing; That's not because you're single that everybody should act like you would if you weren't.
I know this is harsh; but well.
Kyo glares at me for a long while and finally folds his arms over his chest with a sigh, gaze down.
- Everybody have ideals; but they're all different. I'm not you Kyo, sorry.
- But…
- If you want someone to take care of Shinya then you should try it yourself, you'll just see. I add ironically and start walking away, sighing once more.
- I might do it.
I freeze. What did he say here?
- Pardon ? I turn around once more, scowling hard.
- If you make him suffer too much I might try to fix it. My best friend says in an oddly serious way; making me wonder a lot now. 'He honestly doesn't think that does he …?'
- What the heck are you saying ?
- Just go home now… He waves at me and walks back in the cafeteria, leaving me wordless and stunned. Completely stunned. 'That's a threat or what ??' I blink to myself stupidly for some seconds, soon turning around again and walking away, fast. I'm not coming here anymore. Really, fuck them all.
- Toshiya …?
What¾Again ? I stop walking and instinctively turn around once more, frowning when I don't recognise anybody I know already. I then suddenly get the voice wasn't coming from behind me but from my left and I turn my head, quickly, to the source of the noise.
- How you doing ? It's been a while !
'Oh no…' I almost whimper out loud now. Why me ?
I sigh a bit and try to put on a smile as I walk to Kaoru in silence, burying my hands in my jeans.
- So we really were in the same college ? I say, not finding anything else to say anyway. I really didn't need that right now.
Kaoru stays seated on the bench, munching a sandwich away as he nods with a smile.
- I saw you many times already but I never actually could talk to you… Either I didn't have time or you would disappear the next second, so…! He laughs a bit.
- I didn't come to the college that frequently on December. I admit, lowering my gaze. Damn, I really have nothing to say to that guy anymore… He doesn't even appeal to me the least bit now !
- Hm-hm. He nods and keeps on eating; not saying anything anymore then.
- Well… Sorry but I kinda gotta go now.
…'I kinda gotta go'. Wow, wonderful sentence, Toshiya.
- You're Not eating here ?
- I ate already. I respond quite fast, wondering why the hell I just didn't walk away yet.
Kaoru widens his eyes a bit now, taking a look at his watch.
- It's not even 20 past midday !
- And then what ? If I wanna eat fast then I'm eating fast ! Now fucking enjoy your meal and leave me alone ! I answer kind of violently, quickly walking away. Why the hell everybody seems to wanna contradict me today ?!
- hey ! Wait, Toshiya !
I growl before stopping and turning around, looking at him. He stood up from the bench, and is now walking to me rather… unsurely.
- What ? I just let out, putting my hands on my hips in annoyance.
- Well… I don't know, it's just…
- Then I don't know either ! Just leave me alone, please ! I sigh, almost sounding desperate at this point. I hate it, but if I can finally exit this fucking college that way this is Ok.
I start walking away again when, as I expected, I hear Kaoru almost running to me, soon reaching my side.
- Listen to me please…
- See that ? I point at my left ear, not looking at him though.
- Huh ?
- This is my left ear, and, as far as I know, the fact I'm walking doesn't restrain me from hearing what you're saying.
I can tell he's frowning by now, but well, I follow my little speech nevertheless.
- So, if you got something to say, hurry, cause once I've walked past that big gate right there, I'm becoming deaf.
- You have such a sense of sarcasm, that's both annoying and amusing. Kaoru shakes his head, sounding more annoyed than amused here.
- That's one of the things I'm the best at, so please let me at least be sarcastic. I answer with a long sigh, adjusting my bag on my shoulder.
- Anyway Toshiya, I don't wanna bother you but…
- You really shouldn't start your phrase like this then… I cut him off, earning a sigh from him.
- Damn, just two times I'm talking with you and two times you're blowing me off ! Kaoru angrily says, shaking his head again. Do you hate it when people are just trying to help ?
I abruptly stop walking, facing him. Just as I open my mouth to speak he sighs, rolling his eyes.
- You were gonna say "Yes", right ?
- Seems like I'm a predictable person. I sigh too, walking again.
- You ain't, I'm just trying to reverse my normal way of thinking to have a chance to get you.
- I thought I was the one being sarcastic here ?
- This conversation's going nowhere ! He suddenly stops walking, exasperated.
I soon imitate him and fold my arms over my chest, waiting for him to continue. Cause weirdly, I started finding this endless conversation; if one could call that a conversation; rather funny. Anyway, it calmed me down a little.
- What do you want ? I ask as he stays silent, earning a quick response from him.
- Your number. He nods towards me.
- Bye ! I wave at him and walk as fast I can to the open gate a few meters away, perfectly knowing it won't be so easy.
- Toshiya ! He calls me in annoyance, almost growling as he runs after me for the second time.
I just ignore him now, sighing again to somehow make my point clear though.
- Come on, I'm not asking anything that terrible…
I remain silent.
- Fine. Kaoru suddenly says and I can't help but frown, glancing at him a little. What I don't understand now is why he's actually…following me. And in silence. That's too scary. 'Say something Toshiya… Say something or he'll just follow you to your apartment…'
- Why the hell do you want my number, huh ? I stop walking, frowning hard as I lock my eyes with his.
- I don't know, what do you think ? He answers ironically, trying to look; and sound; clueless.
Sadly for him, that just irritates me more.
- Leave me alone. I say again as I walk away, sighing loudly for like the 20th time or something.
- Ok, I'm asking your blonde friend in the cafeteria then. Kaoru waves a hand at me as he walks back in our college, making me frown at his words.
- You're not doing that ! I almost yell, running to him and putting on the best threatening air I can. If you do that I'll be forced to kill you !
He laughs. Visibly, I mixed 'Most threatening air' with 'Most funny air'.
- That's not funny ! I angrily say; hitting one of his arms.
- Just give me that damn phone number Toshiya… I promise I won't harass you !
- You know what ? I nod towards him as I finally change my opinion; Go and ask "my blonde friend", cause I am not giving you this number ! Finally, I walk away. For good.
To my surprise I don't hear Kaoru calling me the following seconds, and, as I turn around a few meters after he's already disappeared.
I raise a brow, waiting a bit; then realize he probably just came back in the college, and probably went to the cafeteria by now. Anyway, I don’t care. I'll just go home now. Go home and take a rest… Watch TV… Sleep, maybe. If only my bed wasn't occupied already…

Somehow, it took me 3 hours to come back home. I'm not living that far from my college, but it happened that I suddenly wanted to eat something, so I stopped by the first McDonald I found. As I didn't find anything I would like to order I ended up buying Iced tea. Then, as I've been unable to satiate my hunger that way I decided doing it differently, so I just bought some clothes. And then I took the way back home.
And here I am now. In front of my own door, actually hesitating on grabbing the knob and get in. I sigh, eventually moving and doing it, perfectly knowing it won't change anything staying in the staircase all day.
- I'm home ! I say just as I step in, and before I can get rid of my bag Shinya appears from the living; just dressed in a big black shirt, almost hopping to me.
- I don't know why the hell you're back that early but I don't care ! He says as he literally jumps on me, grasping my neck and hooking his legs around my waist.
Hopefully, I react fast and encircle him with both arms, doing my best not to fall on the ground with him.
- Well… Hi, Shin…
Shinya smiles as he seats himself better, coming to kiss me on the lips.
- Ever since I woke up I thought "Why the hell did we argue last night?"…
- Huh ? I blink.
Oh yeah, I forgot. We drank, we laughed, we drank… And we yelled. What for ? I have no clue. Even though I came to throw up what we drank real fast, I just can't remember what we did exactly.
- I'm sad we spent our night just sleeping…Moreover, I had to swallow like 4 or 5 aspirins to stop the headache I had this morning ! He says as he releases me, getting on his feet.
- For once I've been lucky on that side… I mumble, putting my bag on the ground and closing the door behind me, locking it too.
- Ah yeah ? You weren't feeling sick this morning ? Lucky indeed ! Shinya answers as he walks back to the living and go sit on the couch, enveloping himself in the blanket he brought with him.
I follow him in silence first, sighing as I decide sitting next to him.
- Yeah, I was rather fine this morning. But I spent the night puking in the bathroom. I say as I now get rid of my coat and bags awkwardly, finally deciding standing up again to do so.
Shinya looks at me weirdly now and can't help but frown after a moment, sitting back down on the couch.
- What ? I blink.
- Since when I hold alcohol better than you ?
I chuckle a bit.
- I don't know ! I shake my head.
He smiles and looks away, bringing his attention on the TV. I imitate him and almost sigh at the incredibly boring program he chose to watch, even wondering why he's suddenly interested in something else than the usual music channels he's watching. Somehow the only things Shinya seems interested in; save for sex; are music, cooking, and Animes. Nothing else.
- Can't we just watch something else ? It's boring. I mumble, nodding toward the telly.
Right as I see my friend's face I get I shouldn't have said that and avoid looking at him now, doing my best to look interested in that program finally.
Silence fills the room for some minutes then and just as I decide to stand up again to get some food my friend takes word, startling me.
- Totchi…
- Yeah ? I raise a brow.
- Why the hell are you coming home at 3 in the afternoon for your first day of school of 1997 ? Shinya says, in what sounds like the most suspicious tone I ever heard.
I blink stupidly for some seconds, wondering how I could have made him suspicious in any way. I left the house around 7:30 this morning, didn't gave any sign of living ever since I did so and just came back home now. I just could have skipped my last hours of class or something… I frequently do that anyway; so why is he sceptical …?
- Why that question ? I finally respond; I just didn't want to go to my last class.
- Oh, Ok. He just lets out quickly, looking at the TV again.
Once more, I stay wordless and blinking at him some seconds, going to the kitchen quite fast then.
'Why is he asking such things ? As far as I know there's strictly nothing that could make him doubt about anything. Stop wondering Toshiya. That's stupid. How could he be doubtful …?'
And then it hits me. Kyo. The Kyo-thing.
I almost unconsciously stare at the living from the kitchen, shaking my head to myself a few seconds later. Don't tell me he has become all suspicious because I did something with someone else -just- once ?! Well, I've actually been doing so three times I know, but well, as long as -he- doesn't know…
I grab a bottle of water and some half eaten sandwich in the fridge now, sighing without even realizing it. When I come back in the living room Shinya instantly frowns at me. I do the same back.
- What again ? I say kind of aggressively, shaking my head once more.
- Nothing ! He looks surprised; you just… Looked kinda sad when you came though that door. He adds hesitantly and I instantly calm down, sighing again.
- Ah.
- Anything wrong ? Shinya kindly asks.
I look at him in silence for a while as I set my food on the coffee table and sit down next to him, wondering about what I should answer. Of course I'm sad. I mean…Perturbed. My boyfriend annoys me, I cheated on him, my best friend hates me. What a day !
- Im' just tired from tonight. I quickly let out, taking my water bottle in hands and taking a sip.
- My poor baby… Shinya kindly says as he suddenly rests his head on my left shoulder, stroking my arm in, I suppose, a supposedly comforting way.
I don’t react whatsoever and just drink from my bottle, putting it back on the table after.
- …What's wrong Totchi ?
I arch an eyebrow at the unexpected question.
- Huh ?
- You're being weird today.
- "Weird" ? 'I'm being weird ? What does he mean by that …?'
- You're kinda…Cold today. Shinya answers as his hand stands still on my arm now, clutching on it a little.
I fall silent for a while. It's been no more than 10 minutes I'm here, and he's finding me "cold" ?
- …"Cold" ? I repeat his words again.
- Dunno. He shrugs his shoulders.
I sigh.
After another long silence I take word, bringing my left arm around his shoulders, already knowing my question wouldn't be appreciated.
- Tell me Shin… You're not going back to Osaka ?
He looks up at me, staring.
- Huh ??
It sounds both shocked and questioning.
- Don't get me wrong… I'm just asking.
Shinya pouts and averts his eyes, changing his position a bit to somehow hug me back.
- I don't know… I wasn't planning on doing so. He says real low, quite child-like.
- Hey… I don't mean I want you to go back there, ne…
Ok, this is like the biggest lie I've ever pronounced but well.
- Hm-hm. He nods.
- You don't look like you believe me. I try with a small chuckle, shaking him gently.
- I can go back to my mother's for a few days…
- Huh ? I blink.
- I know you like to be alone… Don't you ? Shinya shyly looks up, though not for long.
- Well…
- I don't mind if you wanna stay alone for a while. I've been staying here for quite a moment after all, ne ? He almost cuts me off, holding me tighter now.
I end up speechless once more. But this time, I'm quite shocked too. Shinya, understanding…? He -can- be understanding ?! I'm truly amazed.
- Yeah that's true… I like being alone, but…
- That's Ok, don't feel forced to justify yourself. He says with a smile, though, a kinda sad one.
- Thanks. I whisper after another silence, lowering my head and reaching out to kiss him.
Shinya instantaneously brings one hand to my face to hold me in place, kissing me back and even making it last longer than expected. Right as I pull back I feel like a knot in my stomach. I feel odd. Even… Sick. Of myself.
…Why am i so stupid ?
- I can go tomorrow if you want. Shinya says, seating himself better in my arms again.
As difficult as I find it to hold him back as much as he does I do my best to try to do so, stroking his back and shoulder kinda nervously.

~

I open my eyes with difficulty as I hear the phone in the living, looking for the alarm clock blindly. I quickly grab it and bring it close to my face, concentrating on it.
- What the…? I frown hard as I realize it's 4 in the morning, though getting out of bed and walking to the living lazily, to at least stop that annoying ringing.
I switch the lights on as I reach the room, closing my eyes at the sudden rush of light. Funny how the brain's functioning slowly when you're half asleep. You automatically switch the lights on because you need to see clear, without getting that after some hours previously having your eyes closed it's obviously gonna make you half blind.
I almost run to the phone after a second or two covering my eyes with one hand, answering and ready to yell at whoever decided to call me this late.
- What the hell do you want ?! I say, quite loud.
No matter who's calling, well, they can go to hell. It's 4 in the morning, I'm sleeping; well I -was- sleeping; so I don't wanna talk.
- Toshiya ?
I frown hard again. Who the…
- Hello ? Is that Toshiya ?
- Who the fuck are you ? I say somehow more calmly, rubbing my eyes and temples.
- It's Kaoru, I…
- What ?! I answer, stunned.
Somehow I take another look at the first clock I find to check the hour and I fall speechless, and then another question comes to my mind. How did he manage getting this number…
- How did you get this fucking number ?! I ask, suddenly realizing I've been talking way too loudly here. What if Shinya pops out of nowhere and…
- Listen Toshiya…
- No, whatever, I don't care ! Fucking leave me alone and don't call me ever again ! I say as low as I possibly can, hanging up the next second.
Just as I'm going to walk back to the bedroom I think better to let the phone out of it's base to be left in peace for the remaining of the night.
- Totchi ?
I hear Shinya groan from the room and I sigh loudly. I really didn't need him to wake up, but well, I guess that's kind of inevitable considering all the noise I just made.
- Don't worry Shin…! I say as I now reach the bedroom, lazily coming back into bed; or rather; completely letting myself fall on the sheets, half squashing my lover.
- Damn it Totchi… He groans, trying to push me away.
I lazily shift my position and lie down normally, on the left side of the bed. I tap my pillow a few times before placing my right arm under it and seating myself comfortably, closing my eyes and sighing, contently this time though.
- Hey…
I bit back a growl and an eventual rough move of one of my arm suddenly, mumbling a purposely annoyed "What?" without moving the least bit.
- Who was it ? What time it is …? Shinya says in a much more awake way and I can't help but sigh, loudly.
Before I can speak a single word I hear Shinya do the same and I frown.
- If I'm being that big of a pain you can tell me ! He says irately, moving in the bed a little.
I remain silent for a while.
- Sorry. I find myself responding a while later, with the most girlish tone I ever used. 'Why the hell do I even apologize ?! He's a pain, why don't I just tell him after all ?'
- So… Who was it ? Shinya reiterates his question, sighing in annoyance. …It's 4 in the morning damn it ! He then adds after having been spotting a clock.
- It was just Kyo. I quickly make up, trying to end this useless start of conversation.
- Kyo ? Don't fucking kid me ! Whoever it was you told them to get lost !
I freeze. He heard.
- And just because it's Kyo I can't tell him to get lost ?
- Well…
- I didn't think necessary to tell you but we actually quarrelled at the college today. I then add, surprised by my sudden new capacity of lying so fast. Did I say lying ? After all, I did quarrel with Kyo. So that's not really "lying". Just using something true to cover something else.
- Wow, you must have been arguing quite much… "don't call me ever again", that's harsh !
Damn, he really heard -everything- ?! I was screaming so loud ? I didn't realize.
- Come on, what should have I been saying ? It's fucking 4 in the morning and he calls me while we've been arguing in the day !
- Maybe you're right, yeah… Shinya almost whispers, not sounding that convinced.
- Of course I'm right ! I say as I look over my shoulder now, realizing he has his back turned to me.
Silence fills the room as we both decide to go back to sleep now.
- Goodnight. I shyly try after a few minutes of utter quietness; surprised when I feel an arm on my side and a kiss on my shoulder the next second.
I blink for some seconds, hesitating on doing something back or anything. Finally, I don't and shift a bit again, sighing feebly. That's slight weird, but I guess that for once, Shinya preferred a silent answer to a vocal one.

…Good choice.

TBC…

Semichan's comments : End of fourth chapter… (I know, this is kinda brutal for an end of chapter XD) Now I'm thinking of it, save for the Die-thing, nothing actually happened XD Oh, I almost forgot : Kaoru came back too ! That makes two things. (XD) Anyway, I'll start the 5th chapter now : ) Thx for reading !
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Boku no Inbai, Boku no Kodoku.