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Such Synful Thoughts	By : Need2ScreamNow Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Avenged Sevenfold Views: 3118 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Avenged Sevenfold. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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He had no idea how long he sat in the bathroom staring at the wall.
Guilt: So stupid, so, so stupid. We need to die, how sick are we?
Denial: We don’t need to die. You need to go right back to that nasty hole you crawled out of.
Guilt: We need to be in a hole
Reality: We need to apologize
Hysteria: Good Christ No! Matt will Kill Us!
Reality: He’s already tried to kill us, we need to apologize to Zack
Guilt: We are horrible. We can’t be tortured enough
Denial: Your pathetic wailing is torture enough for me.
Reality: We need to get out of the bathroom
Denial: No we don’t
Reality: Yes we do
Denial: The blood is only a few feet down the hall, if we leave the bathroom Guilt will not only keep bitching he’ll do it louder.
Reality: …True. But we still need to leave the bathroom.
Guilt: We don’t deserve to live. We’re a sick creature, disgusting and rotten.
Denial: Guilt…Guilt are you okay?
Reality: Hey, hey, let’s give us a tiny bit of slack; we were totally smashed.
Self-Hate: We don’t deserve a grave! Find Matt, find him and tell him to erase our miserable existence!
Denial: Oh Goddammit.
Reality: Noooooo!
Denial: Bring Guilt back!
Reality: It’s gonna take weeks to get rid of him
Self-Hate: You miserable abomination; filthy, vile man! What is wrong with you?
Denial: Shut up!
Reality: Okay now we need to leave the bathroom.

Someone knocked on the door disrupting his quiet battle. He shook his head slowly and then stiffly stood and opened the door. Jimmy was leaning against the frame, he looked him over worriedly, “Are you okay? Matt didn’t give you a concussion or somethin’ did he?” He reached out and gently felt along the back of his neck and his head searching for any unwanted bumps.

“No…I was just thinkin’” he mumbled stepping away from him. Jimmy gave him a probing look and then shook his head and sighed, “We’ve gotta be at the stage in twenty minutes.” And then he walked away.

Reality: We need to tell him.
Denial: The hell we do.
Self-Hate: …wretched piece of shit…
Reality: We need to shut him up.
Denial: I’ll agree with that.

Brian went to his bunk, carefully avoiding the blood stain, and started to dig out his stage clothes. Something shot out of the bag when he yanked out a shirt; it fell to the floor with a soft ‘thump’. He turned in a circle looking for it and spotted it a foot away by Johnny’s bunk; it was his knife. He picked it up and tossed it into his bunk and finished getting his clothes.

The show was, needless to say, very uncomfortable. The camaraderie they had shared only a week ago was totally shattered. Zack stayed close to Matt throughout the show and Brian took special care to stay as far away from them as possible. Things got particularly interesting when they reached the half-way point in their show; Chapter Four.

“Fall from grace, unholy night! I’ve come here to kill you, won’t leave until you’ve died! Murder born of vengeance I closed my brother’s eyes tonight!” Matt screamed out the words with an eerie fury. Brian shot a look up to Jimmy and the drummer shook his head.

Paranoia: O_O WE’RE GONNA DIE!
Denial: Shut up no we’re not. We’ve been playing this song for years
Reality: Stop freaking out we need to focus on the show
Paranoia: We’re gonna die, we’re gonna die, we’re gonna die, we’re gonna die, we’re gonna…
Self-Hate: YOU DESERVE TO DIE!
Denial: Oh for the love of God. *Bangs head against wall*
Reality: It’s getting a little crowded in here.
Denial: Well at least Sex Drive is still hiding.
Reality: I think I’d rather deal with him instead of these two nutcases.
Denial: …
Self-Hate: …slime of the earth, filthy vermin…
Paranoia: We need to get off the stage, do you see the way he’s looking at us?! He’s got a gun you know he does, he’s gonna kill us right here right now, we need to Run!
Denial: Okay you’re right, we need to get Sex Drive back.

Once the show was over Brian darted backstage and did his post-show routine quickly; he was getting on the bus and hiding in his bunk for the rest of the night.

Paranoia: Yeah, hide in our bunk so he can kill us in our sleep…
Self-Hate: …waste of space, you shouldn’t be breathing…
Denial: I can’t take this anymore
Reality: Nooooo! Denial don’t leave me here with these crazies, I need you!
Denial: Sorry Reality, I need a break. *Heads over to the bar*
Reality: Well fuck I’m not staying here alone with you idiots. *Sneaks out to smoke*
Paranoia: He’s gonna kill us, but only if we don’t act first. If we kill him then he won’t be able to kill us! It’s perfect!
Self-Hate: …absolutely deplorable, you will never be forgiven…

Brian jumped onto the bus and ran a hand down his face, he had about five minutes before the rest of the band caught up to him. He jogged to his bunk and grabbed a change of clothes and got ready for his long night alone.

He was successfully hiding in his bunk by the time he heard Jimmy and Johnny arguing about something outside, their voices were muffled until the door opened, “I’m telling you I won fair and square, not my fault you suck at basketball.” Johnny sniffed.

“Dude I was on the team in high school.” Jimmy retorted.

“Yeah, until they booted you. Besides that was years ago, I bet you wouldn’t make it now.”

“Fuck off.”

“Ha! You know I’m right!”

He was pretty sure Johnny got kicked in the ass by the sound of it.

“Ouch, fucker.” Johnny laughed and then went running past his hiding place laughing.

“That’s right, run the fuck away, you know I can kick your sorry ass.” Jimmy taunted.

“Oh please, you’d be on the ground before you knew what hit you.” Johnny shouted from the back.

“Brian?” Jimmy’s voice was soft and it startled him, he didn’t know he’d gotten that close, “I know you’re hiding, they’re not here.”

Brian pulled the curtain open a little and looked at his friend; the door clicked open and Jimmy swore quietly, “Spoke too soon I guess.”

Brian pulled the curtain closed again and tried to fight off panic as his other two band mates got on the bus.

Paranoia: He’s got a knife, a big knife and he’s just gonna stick it right through us…
Self-Hate: I hope he slaughters us like the disgusting pig we are!
Paranoia: Or maybe it’s a gun, it’s probably a gun. He’s gonna blow our brains out all over the bunk…
Self-Hate: We’re a bad dog that needs to be put down…

Brian leaned his head back and closed his eyes and waited. Either Matt would confront him or he wouldn’t.

“Are you gonna tell me what the fuck is wrong with you?” Jimmy asked guardedly, Brian cringed; now Matt would definitely confront him. Matt growled, faintly he heard Zack whisper something and Matt’s growl dropped off.

Paranoia: Maybe he’s a werewolf and he’s gonna rip our throat out…

“It doesn’t concern you.” Matt answered coldly.

“The hell it doesn’t! You can’t beat the hell out of Brian and then tell me it’s none of my business!” Jimmy snarled.

“It isn’t.”

“Fuck you Sanders, tell me what the fuck is going on!”

“What your little fuck buddy didn’t tell you?”

Brian tensed in his bunk, he could hear Jimmy sputtering trying to come up with some kind of defense.

Paranoia: O_O How does he know!?

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Jimmy finally gasped.

“Oh please if you wanted to be any more obvious you would have to fuck on stage.” Johnny snickered. Brian felt his jaw drop and he had a pretty good idea that Jimmy had the same expression. The bus was silent for a moment before Jimmy snapped himself out of his funk and asked, “What the fuck was he supposed to tell me?”

Brian rolled out of his bunk, he wasn’t going to let Jimmy hear this from Matt’s perspective; he stood up and was only an inch away from Zack. The smaller guitarist made a strangled sound and jumped away from him, unconsciously he took a step back and Matt sprang in front of Zack protectively.

Reality: Alright, not one of our better ideas.
Paranoia: He’s got a knife, you just know he has a knife…
Self-Hate: Good, have him shove it through us and end our pathetic existence
Reality: I swear we leave for an hour or two…
Denial: We’ve gotta get Self-Esteem back on his feet.

Jimmy growled and pulled Brian against him.

“Goddammit, will you guys work your shit out! I was tempted to just walk off the fucking stage and go home during the show, stop acting like kids and talk this out like the adults you’re supposed to be!” Johnny said hotly. Brian turned around and looked at him, the small bassist glared back. He turned back and looked at Matt; the singer was still ready to kill him. He was pretty sure another fight hadn’t erupted because of Zack.

He couldn’t hear what he was saying, but he was whispering something to the singer and Matt’s stance stayed fairly relaxed.

Reality: Time for damage control
Denial: I don’t wanna
Reality: We need to, if we don’t get this shit cleared now Matt really will kill us in our sleep.
Paranoia: I knew it! I told you and you called me crazy! He’s gonna kill us!
Denial: Dammit Reality >_<
Reality: Sorry, I forgot he was still here.
Self-Hate: Yes, try to explain. Explain how you could force your best friend to the ground and rape him.
Reality: …I think—
Denial: Don’t say it
Reality: I have to…I think he just made a point…
Denial: No!
Reality: How are we going to explain this?

Brian stared at the pair in front of him and suddenly wished he had never gotten out of his bunk. He had nothing, he could say nothing to make this alright, and there weren’t any words or circumstances that could soften this. He had raped his friend. He felt like he was going to be sick again; he leaned against Jimmy more and shook. Jimmy’s arms tightened around him.

“What happened?” Jimmy’s voice was only a whisper, but it broke the silence like a thunderclap. Brian closed his eyes, he sincerely wanted to dig a hole and bury himself in it.

Self-Hate: A shallow hole out in a field where no one will find or mourn you, you disgusting dog.
Denial: I…I…
Reality: Denial argue with him! That is your job, argue with him!
Denial: I can’t…he’s starting to push me out…
Reality: Self-Hate, stop it, stop it right now!
Self-Hate: No! We are the scum of the earth! Our very existence is a blemish on mankind!
Reality: Denial? Denial talk to me!

…

Reality: Dammit!

He wanted to curl up in Jimmy’s arms and just forget everything; pretend like nothing had happened and nothing was wrong. He looked at Zack again, he wasn’t talking to Matt anymore, now he had his cheek resting on his shoulder, small tremors shook his body. He couldn’t ignore that. He took a shuddering breath, “I don’t really remember…” he cowered away from Matt’s growl, Jimmy’s answering growl shook his chest and he held him closer.

Self-Hate: Ha! He won’t want to touch a filthy piece of trash like you after this is over!
Reality: Yes he…will?
Doubt: Will he? How do you know? Maybe he’ll hate us. Maybe he’ll help Matt strangle us.
Paranoia: Everyone is the enemy!

“That’s awfully convenient.” Matt growled.

“He was drinking.” Zack whispered.

Brian looked at the tattooed arms around his waist and then up at Matt’s cold hazel eyes; Zack refused to look at him.

“I didn’t…”

“You didn’t mean to?” Matt’s cold voice was like a knife being driven through his heart.

“I’m sorry Zacky.” Tears blurred his vision and he felt himself starting to sink to the floor, Jimmy was the only thing holding him up. Zack stayed quiet.

Self-Hate: You will never be able to say ‘sorry’ enough, you worthless piece of shit.
Reality: No, no, no! Denial Come Back! We’re slipping here!

“Jesus Brian what did you do?” Jimmy whispered. Matt let loose an animalistic growl. He looked up again, Zack had his arms wrapped around Matt’s chest and his cheek was still resting against his shoulder.

Reality: We need to tell them…
Self-Hate: Yes tell the world what a disgusting creature you are.

“I…I…Zack…” the tears slipped out of his eyes and splashed onto Jimmy’s arms when he looked down again. Jimmy turned him around and he gratefully buried his head in his shoulder; the drummer had to be glaring death at Matt but he really didn’t care anymore. He wanted to disappear, just drop through the floor and never be seen again, he was a hideous person that didn’t deserve a grave.

“Someone had better tell me what the hell is going on.” Johnny growled.

“Brian raped Zack.” Matt said frostily. Brian felt his world fall away from him when Jimmy tensed and pulled away.

Self-Hate: You knew that would happen you sick bastard. You appalling piece of filth.

Jimmy backed away from him and he stood totally exposed in front of his band. He kept his eyes on the floor and shuddered as his sin was laid before his friends, he felt naked and vulnerable and more tears fell.

“What?” Jimmy’s whisper broke the silence, “Brian…”

He wanted to run over and have Jimmy wrap his arms around him again and hide him from what he had done, but he stayed where he was; Jimmy would want nothing to do with him.

Reality: Hide. Just hide.
Self-Hate: You can’t hide, you’re a monster! A repulsive ogre with no reason to live…
Reality: Go back to your bunk and go to sleep, we’ll deal with this later.

Slowly Brian sank to his knees, vaguely he saw Matt and Zack back away from him toward the kitchenette; Jimmy and Johnny stepped around him and followed them. He stayed there on the floor crying quietly until he found the will to drag himself into his bunk where he cried himself to sleep.

He woke up the next morning exhausted. His sleep had been plagued with horrifying dreams, he felt like he had only gotten five minutes of sleep. Groggily he rolled out of his bunk and stumbled to the kitchen; his eyes were sore from crying and the bright sunlight spilling in from the window made him squint. Jimmy was sitting at the small table drinking a cup of coffee.

“Jimmy?” he asked cautiously; the drummer didn’t look at him. He felt his chest begin to ache as he held back the pained cries that tried to escape.

“Jimmy please…” he whimpered. He continued to ignore him and Brian abruptly turned back and went back to his bunk.

Self-Hate: What did you think would happen, no one in their right mind would talk to you, not after what you did.
Paranoia: Now Jimmy’s gonna kill us!
Reality: We need to apologize to Zack, we need to get on our knees and beg forgiveness.
Self-Hate: Never! We’ll never be forgiven! We don’t deserve to be forgiven, we don’t deserve a grave!
Reality: Dammit Self-Hate shut up!

He was sitting on the edge of his bunk staring into space when Jimmy walked up; a flash of hope shot through him but it quickly faded when he saw the drummer was only getting something out of his bunk.

Reality: Talk to him. You need to talk to him.

“Jimmy,” it was so tempting to just stand up and hug him, but he had no idea how the drummer would react to that so he stayed sitting, “talk to me, please.”

“What the fuck do you want me to say Haner?” his voice was only a harsh whisper; Brian recoiled from his cold words and shrunk further into his bunk.

“I don’t know. Anything.” He kept his eyes glued to the floor and waited half-way expecting nothing but silence.

“Do you want me to tell you it’ll be alright, that I forgive you? It’s not and I don’t. I don’t give a fuck what your excuses are; you raped one of your friends, you’re lucky I don’t help Matt beat the hell outta you.” His voice rose until he was at a normal speaking level but in the quiet bus it sounded like he was screaming. He stood up and glared at Brian; the guitarist looked at him, his blue eyes were icy with anger.

Self-Hate: I told you. Everyone is going to wash their hands clean of you and scrub you from their memories. I bet you get booted out of the band by the end of the day.
Reality: He’s just angry he needs time to calm down
Self-Hate: No! Stop making excuses Reality, you can’t make this better. Face the truth, we are nothing, we always have been and we always fucking will be! Nothing but a screw up that’s all we are, we’re what’s wrong with mankind! People like us fuck everything up for everyone else!
Reality: You can’t push me out! You can’t do that!
Self-Hate: I just fucking did, there’s no room for you anymore. You’re delusional, we’ll never be forgiven, Jimmy’s never going to forgive us, Never

Brian looked at his friend and silently pleaded with him, Jimmy’s eyes reflected the overhead lights and nothing else; without a word he grabbed his drum pad and left. He fought back the loud wail that was threatening to pour out of him; he felt empty without Jimmy, Jimmy was one of his fail safes, he was always there no matter what.

Self-Hate: Not anymore you repulsive piece of slime.

Johnny slipped past him like a ghost, he didn’t look at him and he didn’t talk to him. He watched the bassist grab a Styrofoam cup and pour coffee in it and then slip off the bus. Now it was only him, Zack, and Matt.

Jimmy’s POV

Reality: Go back and apologize right now.
Denial: Never! He raped Zack! He doesn’t deserve forgiveness.
Reality: He’s obviously not happy about that fact, now go back and apologize!
Denial: No! No, no, no, no, no, NO!, do you know what this must be doing to Zack? He thought he could trust Syn and then he Raped him!
Reality: I can under—
Denial: No we are not going to apologize to him.

He had been wandering around the venue for a couple hours trying to get himself under control before he had to go back to the bus and deal with their lead guitarist. It had taken every ounce of his self-control to not plant his fist in Brian’s face when they had talked that morning.

He was pissed, pissed and hurt and embarrassed. He was hurt because he had never thought Brian was capable of that kind of violence, he was pissed because Brian hurt Zack, and he was embarrassed because he had defended his friend and lover and gotten pissy with Matt. It had taken him two hours to convince the pair that Brian hadn’t told him anything, he had only been defending the guitarist because he thought Matt had attacked without provocation.

He swore and kicked a light post as his frustration and anger finally boiled over. He was half tempted to go back to the bus and give Brian a beating of his own.

Reality: That will not help anything.
Denial: It’ll make us feel better.
Reality: He’s probably beating himself up over this as is we don’t need to contribute actual physical pain to his mental anguish.
Fury: Yes we do.
Reality: Oh hells no, get out.
Denial: I say he stays.
Reality: I say he goes.
Fury: I say I stay.
Denial: Ha! You’re outnumbered =p
Reality: That doesn’t count!
Fury: I say we go back and hit him. Just once. And if he gets up we beat the hell outta him.
Denial: I second that!
Reality: No!
Denial: You were out voted again. To the bus!
Reality: I demand a recount!

Blood leaked from his mouth, carving lines down his face before splattering to the floor. Crimson liquid poured from his chest; the pain was beginning to fade and he was becoming pleasantly numb. He was cold though, freezing, but it was okay, because he was going to sleep; then he wouldn’t be cold; once he was asleep all the pain and cold would be gone. A shuddering cough brought the pain back and he cried out; the cough forced a nasty metallic tasting gunk into his mouth; a gurgle accompanied the thick syrup as it pushed passed his lips.
He was still cold, so cold, but there was something warm touching his face and neck. There was a flash of pain from his chest and he tried to scream but choked on more of the horrible metallic fluid bubbling up his throat, he couldn’t get away from the pain, it was holding him down.

A familiar sound was pushing away his sleep, he didn’t want that, he wanted to sleep, he tried to ignore the sound but his mind retaliated and demanded to know what the sound was. He was thrust back into consciousness and was assaulted with a horrific agony; he tried to scream again and again choked on the thick clots of blood blocking his airway. He gagged and coughed which made the pain worse a whispery sound of agony escaped him.

The familiar sound became clear, became words, and suddenly it was Jimmy’s voice whispering to him. He couldn’t understand what he was saying but it was growing fainter, quieter. He didn’t want that to happen, he wanted Jimmy to stay, he was scared and he wanted Jimmy to stay, “Jim…Jimmy.” He gasped and the pain flared and he let out a weak cry of pain.

“Stay…Jim-my, stay.” He couldn’t remember what he was trying to say but it didn’t really matter anymore, he was going back to sleep and the pain was starting to dull again. The cold came back, but it was only a small price to pay for the wonderful numbness that was spreading through him.

Jimmy’s POV

Reality: We are not kicking anyone’s ass.
Denial: The hell we aren’t!
Fury: One hit, if he gets up, we’re kicking his ass.

Jimmy angrily punched in the security code to the bus and yanked the door open. He got up the stairs and froze when he looked into the lounge. Brian was lying on his back in a spreading pool of blood; the handle of a knife was sticking out of his chest. His face was ashen, lips blue, and his eyes were halfway closed. He made a small gagging sound and blood poured from his mouth; Jimmy dropped to his knees and numbly pulled out his phone and dialed 911. He couldn’t remember telling the operator anything but he hung up the phone and crawled to his friend. Blood was still trickling out of the corners of his mouth; shallowly his chest rose and fell.

“Oh Christ Brian! Brian wake up!” He gently pulled one of his eyelids up, his pupil contracted slowly. He checked his pulse, his heart was beating weakly and slowly. Carefully he turned Brian’s head so the blood in his throat could drain and he wouldn’t suffocate.

“Brian, Brian wake up!” tears blurred his vision as he tried to wake his friend; he pressed a hand to the wound in his chest, careful not to touch the knife, and Brian shuddered and coughed. He choked and a burgundy clot of blood slid out of his mouth. After a moment Brian’s eyes opened a little wider, his body jerked and he started to choke again a small agonized sound ripped out of him.

“Brian, Brian I’m sorry, I’m sorry I love you. Stay awake, stay with me, Brian stay with me.” He could here the raw desperation in his voice as he begged for him to fight.

“Jim…Jimmy.” His voice was thick and slurred; another tremor racked his body and he gasped in pain.

“I’m right here Brian, stay awake okay? I’m right here, nothin’s gonna happen to you I promise.”

“Stay…Jim-my, stay.” He coughed thickly and a warm spray of blood dappled the side of Jimmy’s face.

“I am, I’m not leavin’ you, I’m not leavin’ you for anything.” He whispered; Brian’s breathing was getting weaker with each breath. Jimmy took his cold hands and held them against his chest, “Brian stay awake, help is comin’ you just have to stay awake. The guitarist’s eyes started to close again and his shuddering breaths were more erratic and less frequent.

“Stay Brian, stay.” He whispered as his brown eyes began to dim again; the harsh wail of an ambulance rose in the background and Brian’s breathing came to a shuddering halt.

A/N: I’ll get the next chapter up ASAP, I swear, but I’ve got a lot of work to do this weekend so it could possibly be Monday or even Tuesday before it’s up.

As a total and complete side note that has nothing to do with this story…I was wondering if you guys wanted to help me out. I’m thinking about turning my ‘Wolf and Man’ story into an actual book; granted I’ll have to change the characters, but the plot is still the same. My question is, if you saw that book in a bookstore and just flipped through it or read the summary on the back, would you even look at it? Consider buying it? Buy it?
Thanks for your help and your reviews; I’ll get started on the next chapter tonight ^_^
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Such Synful Thoughts