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My Confession	By : Fuelish Category: Individual Celebrities > Josh Groban Views: 2279 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know Josh Groban. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-My Confession
- 1
He has the face of an angel. Soft features, bright, delightful smile. His soft, brown, curly hair framed his head like a halo. His touch, gentle, delicate, like a skilled surgeon. His gaze, tender, thoughtful, considerate. His voice was velvety smooth like rich, dark milk chocolate. We have been together nearly every day for a year and yet … he doesn’t even know I exist. Okay, well he knows I exist but does he care? Do I affect him the way he affects me? The answer would be a clear and discernable NO! I took a deep breath and sighed heavily. Every day I am with him is torture. Well, torture and bliss. Bliss because he sees me, he talks to me, he smiles at me, and is quite pleasant but at the same time torture because he looks right through me. He sees yet doesn’t see. Do you know what that’s like? I’ll bet you do. How many people have loved and yet that love has not been reciprocated? Too many to count. So maybe you know a little of what I’m going through …

It all started a little more then 11 months ago when I lost my job. I was the well-paid personal assistant to a local celebrity shock-jock in the lovely city of Provo, Utah. It was the X96, alternative KXRK, the best rock station in Provo. The jock, Jim Beam was hated by many and loved by … not that many! Yeah, I know, ‘personal assistant’ just means that I fetched his coffee, took the brunt of his calls, listened to the boss scream and yell when he pushed the envelope a little too far, picked up his dry cleaning – well uhhh people don’t really have clothes dry cleaned any more, do they? So I’m exaggerating just a little … anyway … I was coming along fine, scheduling personal appearances, reading “fan” mail and replying to it, researching information. What good that did I don’t know, Jim never used factual information, he made everything up. Most everything. He was awful, I knew it but it was a paycheck, quite a heavy paycheck I might add. I had a quaint condo in the city limits. You get the idea … Then one day, wham! Jim was fired and I was out on my ass. It would appear that the FCC wasn’t too keen on his Pope monologue and while I was out of a job I was thanking my lucky stars that I wasn’t being sued. What I wasn’t thankful for is that I became an outcast and not employable. Can I express to you how depressing that was? So what did I do? I did what any (nearly) 30 year-old grown woman did – I called my mother. I was on a plane to Los Angeles the next day.

I know, I know, you’re wondering how this has lead up to my dream man, the love that would never come true, my veritable passion. Keep your shorts on, I’m trying to tell you as quickly as I know how but if you’re going to know the story then you should know the whole story, not just half of it! Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah, I was landing in L.A. When I got to my mom’s I dragged my luggage into my old bedroom, crawled into my bed, pulled the sheets up over my head and went to sleep. I think I slept for about 4 hours, it was dark when I awoke in any case. My mom had supper prepared and I gorged myself on meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and sugared carrots. It was truly comfort food and when I was hurting – and yes I was hurting – it felt like a little slice of heaven on earth! We sat together later watching Everybody Loves Raymond (I don’t!). Neither one of us spoke, she didn’t ask me what was wrong and I didn’t interrupt her series of programs that she watched on schedule every single Monday night. When the news began at 11PM I got up, yawned and stretched, kissed my mom on the cheek and mosied on off to the bathroom to brush my teeth before heading back to my old bed. Lumpy as it was it was better then I would ever have again in my life. The next morning I awoke to the smell of bacon. Holy crap, how long had it been since I woke up to bacon cooking? Let me think, oh probably six years or so since I left home and moved to Provo. I lounged lazily in my bed until I heard my mother padding softly up the stairs in her slippers. There was a gentle knock on the door.
“Sweetie? Breakfast is almost ready.” I heard her say lightly as if trying to wake me but not startle me. I swung my feet over the side of the bed and landed with a ‘thump’ on the floor.
“I’m up mom, I’ll be down in a second.” I said as I slipped on my robe and headed out into the hall. She was there, waiting and kissed me when I approached her. “I’m going to head to the bathroom and I’ll be right down.” She smiled and nodded then headed down the stairs. I couldn’t believe how good home-made bacon was, oh sure they make it restaurants but this was made by my mom! It was absolutely perfect. Once again, I filled by belly with bacon, eggs, sausage, orange juice, and toast. Wow, at this rate I would weigh a ton within a month! After breakfast I helped mom clean up.
“So what brings you home Theo?” She asked as I was filling the sink with water and pulling on her rubber gloves. I hated getting my hands wet and especially washing greasy dishes! I cleared my throat.
“Well, I lost my job.” I said, matter-of-fact.
“You didn’t?” She asked, trying to sound concerned but I could tell she wasn’t. She had always hated me working for Jim (whose real name was Robert by the way). She hated everything he stood for. After his final formidable Pope-bashing broadcast I could only imagine what my mother would have said about that … devout Catholic that she was! I turned to her and glared.
“Yeah, mom, I did.” She blushed slightly and turned away.
“Well whatever for? I thought James liked you. How could that have happened?” I sighed and turned the water filling the sink off and immersed my gloved hands in hot, soapy water.
“The FCC booted him off the air. Something about a distasteful broadcast.” She wheeled around and stuck a finger out at my back. I couldn’t see it but I could feel it!
“I knew it! I knew one day he would be banished. He’s a pig, Theo and I have always told you that! I will never understand how you could have worked so closely with someone of his despicable morals!” I sighed and hunched my shoulders as she rattled on and on with her ‘I told you sos’ and her ‘why don’t you ever listen to mes.’ I was finished washing the dishes before she was finished rambling. I drained the sink and pulled off the gloves making sure to hang them neatly on the rack next to the sink. I turned and leaned against the counter.
“Mom.” I said holding up my hand in protest. “Please.” She folded her arms and her lips tightened to a thin line. I took a deep breath, exhaled, and then looked up for courage before I spoke. “I know all that stuff. The only reason I worked for him is because it was good pay and it was one step closer to being a disc jockey. You know how I’ve always wanted to be in radio!” She softened and blew air out of her mouth.
“Yes, I know. All that college …”
“Well, I had my foot in the door. How did I know he was such a jerk?” Well that was a dumb thing to say, I knew he was a jerk from day 1 but what could I do? Mom came forward and pulled me to her. I hugged her for what I was worth.
“Don’t you worry, dear, we’ll get through this. There is plenty of opportunity here. You never should have left. I missed you so, and then when your dad died …” I held on to her and let her express her anguish. She was so lonely since Dad died. I was almost glad things had happened the way they did and that they brought me back home.
After my first week of being back in L.A. I decided it was time to put out some feelers on a job. I typed up my resume and sent it out to all major radio stations. I even sent one to KZLA, the local country music station. That was a stretch since I absolutely abhorred country music! The days after seemed to crawl by. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to … well they turned into a month! I still hadn’t heard anything from anyone in the radio business, apparently they had all heard that I worked for Jim Beam in Provo and wouldn’t touch me. That was quite depressing. One day I was in the front yard weeding my mom’s rose garden, the catnip was choking the life out of the Kennedy roses, when she pulled in the drive. She had been to a church lady meeting or something of the sort. She tottered up to me, “Theo!” she was breathless. I turned and squinted into the sun.
“What?” I got up on one knee. “Relax Mom, what are you getting all goofy about?” She took my hand and pulled me up.
“Remember Lindy Groban?” I frowned. Why should I remember her? What was she, an aunt? Her name sounded familiar …
“No, well, yeah, a little.” I pulled off the garden gloves.
“You used to babysit her boys, Josh and Chris. They lived over there.” She pointed down the block. “Well they still do. At least Lindy and Jack do.” I thought for a moment, oh yeah, I did remember them. Little bastards they were! At least Chris was but he was the younger of the two and therefore a little more rambunctious.
“Yeah, okay, I remember. What about her?”
“Come, come inside.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me inside the house where she slipped out of her jacket and hung it up in the closet just inside the front door. I went straight to the fridge and got myself a cold Diet Pepsi. I cracked it open and guzzled. “Anyway, I was just talking to her at Bridge.” I sat down at the kitchen table and mom joined me.
“Okay, so what’s up with Mrs. G?”
“It would seem that Josh is doing great for himself these days and could use some help.” Her eyes lit up like stars in the midnight sky. I couldn’t help but to think how silly this was. First off Josh was 5 years younger then me, last time I saw him was when was graduating grade school! Secondly, what could he be doing in life that he would need help? Oh, I know, he was the manager of a Starbucks and I could help him pour some coffee for obnoxious Californians on their way to their blasphemous jobs. No thank you! I rolled my eyes and sighed.
“Mother …”
“Wait! Listen, Josh is a singer. He’s got a record out now and he’s going out on tour. I told Lindy about you and she said she would talk to Josh about getting you a job. Isn’t that great?” I couldn’t believe it. Josh was a singer?
“Oh come on, you’re kidding me!” She bolted out of her chair and went to the cupboard where she retrieved a coffee cup and started spooning Nescafe into it.
“She said he needs an assistant. She told me she was going to have him call you. Theo, you need a job! I thought I was doing the right thing.” Her voice became shaky as she dipped her head and sipped at her hot coffee. I forced a smile.
“Mom, that was really nice of you. I hope he does call. I’m sure if he’s looking for someone I can help him out. You did the right thing, Mom, really!” I motioned her over with my hand and she sat down across from me. Her eyes were damp. “You did the right thing.”

I sat across from a stern looking sophisticate in a pinstripe suit. Her blonde hair was twisted into a knot at the back of her head, her glasses perched on the end of her nose while she perused my resume.
“I heard he’s been blackballed.” Ms. Marie Pinto said of Jim, I mean Robert Beam. I wasn’t shocked.
“Doesn’t really matter, he’ll just get himself on some alternative underground station and keep on going.” I said matter of fact. She looked appalled. I didn’t want to blow my chance at a regular paycheck so I covered my tracks hoping my stuttering wasn’t as obvious to her as it was to my own self. “But I sure hope I never see that bastard again, he ruined my reputation as a hard working, dedicated assistant. Ms. Pinto, I worked harder then most of the girls I knew working for the other jocks. I will work hard for you.” She appeared to be a little more at ease.
“Okay, Theodora I will take my chance with you.” Theodora, I gulped. How I hated being called that! “Report back here Monday next. Dress is casual professional.” She stood. I took her cue and stood with her. I extended my hand and she shook it.
“Thank you. You won’t be disappointed.”
“I sure hope not.” I heard her say as I left and the door closed behind me.

It wasn’t Josh who called me for a job. It was the coiffed mannequin Marie Pinto. She was from his management office. I was a bit in shock at first. Little Josh had made a name for himself in the music business and quite frankly I didn’t believe it. Oh yeah, he’d always been a bit of a actor but aren’t most kids in their pre-teens? After my mom reminded me about my relationship with the Groban boys the memories came flooding back. We had squirt gun fights in the backyard where Chris tried to sabotage me by flinging himself at me and tackling me down to the ground where Josh would steal my Super Soaker and saturated my shirt. The whole point to that was to see the babysitter’s bra. Then they would giggle like, well, school boys. As I contemplated my new career I thought about seeing those boys again. I sure hoped they were a little more grown up. Maturity was not something that men automatically became once they grew facial hair. I sure hoped those super soaker days were over!

CHAPTER TWO

The first few weeks I was employed I spent with a team in the management agency, learning my way around, getting settled in and learning exactly what my duties were in the organization. Josh had a personal assistant and I would be an additional assistant. Doesn’t that sound confusing? Yeah, I thought so too! It didn’t matter, as long as money was deposited into my checking account twice a month I would sit and shine his shoes all day. Do runners need to be shined? Hahahahaha! I could not for the life of me imagine little Joshie in a pair of Wing Tips but there was a first for everything. Even at his grade school graduation he wore a suit and tennis shoes. I guess you could say he was cool before his time in that respect. I didn’t actually meet up with Josh until a month after I was there. His PA (that would be personal assistant) and I headed out after lunch on a Wednesday and we ended up at a photo shoot. There were photography umbrellas and lights and people milling about. When I saw the subject they were shooting I was taken aback. There, in the center of attention was little Josh, no it was BIG Josh standing handsomely staring off in the distance while cameras clicked around him. My heart thumped loudly in my chest while my stomach flitted with dozens of tiny butterflies. I blinked and shook my head thinking I would focus again and see the dorky little kid I’d babysat not that many years ago. I squinted and centered my attention on him again. Nope, still that attractive man stood there transfixed and then slowly he turned. He gazed across the room and smiled when he saw Cassie, his PA and then he fixed on me, his eyes narrowed as he struggled for recognition. Suddenly his eyes opened wide and he stuck out a finger. With a crooked smile he mouthed the words, “it’s you!” I smiled back at him and felt my cheeks grow hot and pink. Gone was the geeky pre-teen I’d known and in his place, an alluring man. I waited anxiously for the shoot to be over and when it was those butterflies were making themselves known again. Josh disappeared only to reappear in a yellow t-shirt and jeans. He drew near timidly and tucked his hair behind his ear. I smiled shyly, disgusted with myself for having this childish reaction to someone I had known for a long time.
“Well look at you little Joshie.” I teased. He planted his hands on his hips and nodded.
“Not little any more.” He said. His voice was so deep, not the squawk he used to have. I eyed him up and down.
“That’s fairly obvious. How are you?” He reached out and slid his arms around me, hugged me briefly and then let go.
“I’m good. It’s good to see you again. When my mom called and told me you were in town and looking for a job I told her to have you call.”
“I thought you were going to call me.” I scolded, taunting. Mentally I was chastising my mother for telling me that he would call.
“When I hadn’t heard anything then I had Marie call you.”
“Well thanks. I appreciate that since my mother got it wrong!” He chuckled.
“Some things never change, do they?” Even little Josh knew what an awful memory my mother had. It was common knowledge in the neighborhood. I sighed. And some things do change! He sure had grown up and out! He was tall, his body had definitely filled out and his hair was a semi-tangled mass of auburn curls that surrounded his now adult, and comely face. Josh took off shortly after and Cassie and I went to a local record store where he was going to make an appearance the next week. I saw him again a few times that week. That night I floated home on clouds and slept very little. Josh was on my mind. I lay in my lumpy bed that night and pictured his face. Those full, sparkling, chestnut eyes, his bright smile, soft mahogany curls … he had grown into an appealing, hot man and I was aporetic that he had such an outrageous effect on me. I was smitten and that was all there was to it. No man had such an odd effect on me, at least not in years! I felt like a teenager with a crush on the football player who lived next door. In my case it is a younger man, wasn’t that just a bit scandalous as well? Maybe not in these times ….
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I flipped through the latest issue of People magazine for the third time and sighed. Josh stood behind me with a ping pong paddle and a ball and smacked that ball up in the air. He had been at it for over a half hour now and it was, quite frankly making me nuts! I had the urge to turn and yank the paddle out of his hand and whack him upside the head with it. We had been sitting, waiting in that small store room in the back of the Virgin Record store for 45 minutes while a large crowd, mostly comprised of squirming, squealing young girls gathered in the store spending their babysitting money on Josh’s CDs.
“Josh!” I snapped after another minute of “tak,tak,tak,tak,tak,tak.” He hit the ball hard and it shot up to the ceiling, bounced onto the table in front of me and popped me right in the nose. “Will you knock it off?” I said rubbing my injured face. He sighed heavily and flopped into the chair across from me. He was chewing gum and blew a large bubble. It popped and he sucked the remains back into his mouth. “Do you even care that you hit me in the nose with that obnoxious ping pong ball?” He glanced up at me, eyes open wide.
“Did I?” I nodded. “Oh, then I’m sorry.” It wasn’t the most sincere apology I’d ever had but it would do. He started chomping his gum again.
“Are you okay?” I asked. He leaned back in the chair and tipped it back slightly.
“Yeah, I’m just anxious is all.” I searched his face.
“Anxious as in nervous or anxious as in can’t wait to get it over with?” He pursed his lips, narrowed his eyes as if in thought and then burst into a laugh. I batted his arm. “You goof.”
“Yeah, I’m just want to get it started. I hate this whole waiting thing.”
“Any minute now, you just watch.”
“Got a deck of cards?” I pretended to search my pockets.
“No, sorry, I left them in the car.” He sneered and pointed to the door.
“Go git ‘em!” He barked. Just then the door opened and the store manager poked his head in. Josh stood quickly.
“Time?” He asked.
“Time.” The manager said. Josh headed for the door and I followed. There was a loud vibrating hum of voices as we made our way down the hall towards the sales floor that turned into piercing screams and cheers. I had been to personal appearances before but this was way different. I glanced into the crowd and watched the adoration these fans had for their star. I felt a jolt of electricity zip down my spine. Josh smiled handsomely and waved. “Thank you! Thank you!” He said loudly, hoping to be heard. I pulled a chair out from behind a table and he made his way over to it where he was to autograph CD cases.

It had only been about an hour but my ass was numb as though I had been sitting for three or four without moving. I could only imagine how Josh felt, after sitting and smiling for most of an hour I knew he would need some sort of therapy. I snuck away to make a phone call. When he was finally finished I whisked him away in my Lexus leaving a trail of boisterous girls behind. He snapped his seatbelt into place and then pulled his knees in and propped his feet up onto the front of my dashboard. Normally I would have slapped his legs down but he was tired and I didn’t have the heart.
“Where we going now?” He asked. I smiled slyly.
“It’s a surprise.” I said. He glanced over at me and seeing my crooked smile opened his mouth in shock.
“What are you planning?” He asked teasing. I turned on the radio to distract myself from his coy glances. I felt myself flush from my ankles to my forehead and hoped it wasn’t as evident as it felt like it was.
“You will see. Sit back and close your eyes.” He did as he was told. I had turned on a classical music CD that was calm and relaxing. I heard him let out a deep breath and sink into the comfort of the leather seat. When the car stopped and the engine died he sat upright. He frowned as he looked around.
“Umm … Teddy?” I unsnapped my seatbelt and opened the car door.
“Yeah?” He followed.
“Where are you taking me?” He looked up and down the block searching for something familiar. I grabbed his arm and pulled him into the Zanito Salon. “You’re going to get my hair cut?” He hissed as we entered. The pretty model at the front desk smiled, her white teeth standing out strangely against her tanned face.
“Theodora Hayes.” I told her. She stood and indicated that we should follow her. We headed down a plushly padded, carpeted hallway and into a warm, freshly painted room. She went to a closet and pulled out a navy, velvet robe and two towels. She set them down on a chaise. Turning to Josh she instructed him to remove all of his clothing, wrap the towel around his waist and put on the robe and then she turned and left the room. It was interesting to watch the blush spread from his neck up through his cheeks. He planted his hands on his hips.
“What is going on Teddy?” I picked up a towel and pressed it to his chest.
“You, Mr. Groban, are going to have a massage so I suggest you get naked.” Not wanting to see the look on his face I turned and left the room closing the door tightly behind me.

Josh wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly to him. My face was so closely pressed to his chest that I could smell the lavender oil used during his hour long massage. Before I could slip my arms around him he pulled away.
“Now what was that for?” I stuttered, flustered by his obvious display of affection.
“That was awesome!” He took in a deep breath. “Fantastic way to end a stressful day!” I smiled proudly.
“You liked that, eh?” I said pulling my keys out of my purse and heading for the car. Josh yanked the keys out of my hand.
“I’m driving now.” He said walking backwards and dangling the keys in front of me.
“Oh no you’re not, that’s my car!” I stalked forward reaching for them but he pulled them back out of my reach.
“Now it’s my car!” As I lunged forward he burst into a sprint.
“Dammit! Give me my keys.” I heard his laughter as he clicked the unlock button. I caught up with him just as he was attempting to open the driver’s side door. He pulled up on the handle just as I tripped on the sidewalk and ploughed into his backside slamming him into the car with an audible “ooofff.” “Oh shit!” I said grabbling onto his shirt to keep myself from falling. He turned quickly and helped me up by my arms. “Josh, are you okay?” I said, worried that I’d injured him in some way. He laughed.
“I’m fine, are you okay?” He said between giggles. I reached up and smoothed his hair from his face checking for red marks, injuries, or bruises. He peered down at me with his copious puppy brown eyes. They seemed to soften as he stopped his chuckling and let me examine him. I let out a big sigh of relief as I found him perfect.
“Thank God, I thought for sure I’d broken your nose or something!” I said as I stepped back from him. He smiled.
“Yeah, that’s all this nose would have needed was to be broken and have a huge hump.” He pulled open the door and slid into the driver’s seat. “But I’m still driving.” He retorted as he slammed the door and started the engine.

Josh couldn’t wait to get back to the office to tell everyone that I’d nearly broken his face. He thought it was funny. Cassie, on the other hand did not. I was lectured for most of an hour on the proper treatment of the clients not to mention someone as valuable to the agency as Josh was and had I injured his face, of all things, I would have been fired instantly. I knew that. I felt bad about it already and she was making me feel worse. My mind drifted back to the scene where I lightly touched his face in various places to make sure he wasn’t hurt, the look he gave me, his delicate gaze, his soft curls. My breathing came in short spasms and my legs trembled. What was it about this young man that made me react in such a way? He suddenly burst into the room as if he knew I was thinking about him and stopped abruptly when he surveyed the scene and the severity of it all.
“Josh, can you wait outside a minute?” Cassie asked. He cleared his throat and glanced over at me standing there biting on my thumb nail.
“You know I would but I need Teddy right now. Hey, Cassie, I just want you to know that it was all in fun. I started it and had I been hurt not only would I have deserved it but it wouldn’t have been her fault. She’s a great assistant.” Cassie folded her fingers together purposefully and eyed me. I gave no reaction.
“She knows what her duties are and banging up your face isn’t one of them.” Seeing the stern look on her face Josh made his way over to her and sliding his arm around her shoulder he kissed her lightly on the top of her head.
“I know, you know, she knows. It’s over. Won’t happen again, I swear I’ll be a good boy.” He straightened, approached me and grabbed my hand. “I’ll have her home by midnight mom and you can yell at her some more.” He said pulling me out the door and letting it close behind us. He dragged me down the hall and into the elevator. Once the door closed he released my hand and leaned back against the wall. “Whew, that was close.” He said as we drifted downward. I could feel my cheeks glowing red. It was getting extremely warm in that closed space. He eyed me and grinned. “I feel bad for getting you into trouble after you were so nice to me today.” I shrugged.
“Nothing I haven’t experienced before, Joshie. Remember who I used to work for … He got me into plenty of trouble and I came away from it unscathed. I’ll just be more careful next time.” We stood in silence a few minutes and then I asked, “So where are we going?”
“No where. I just wanted to get you out of there. She can be a beast when she wants to be. I’ve got to get over to the studio. Go home. Take the rest of the day off.” My mouth dropped open and I gaped at him in disbelief. The elevator door opened and he lifted my chin with his finger closing my mouth as he passed me and walked out of the building into the setting sun.

CHAPTER THREE

The tour started up again (I say again because it had already been in full swing starting the January before and continued after a 3 month break) in July in St. Louis. We started out three days before and took out time crossing the picturesque landscape that is our United States. I brought along the latest Patricia Cornwell novel, Blow Fly and either sat or lay in my bunk, eyes glued to the pages. Cassie poured over agendas and Josh and his female companion, Jan played video games or watched movies on DVD. When it came time to unload the semi I sat and watched in awe. It was spectacular event seeing how the stage came together. I’d never seen anything quite like it. When dusk came and the time for the show to begin was near I was nervous and excited all at once. I couldn’t imagine how nervous Josh was. I hadn’t seen him for at least an hour and-a-half since the most magnificent buffet provided by the venue. After seeing this spread I found fruit I didn’t know even existed. I was standing to the side of the stage, multitudes of people bustling busily around me and then all at once the lights went out and the crowd roared. Suddenly there was music and a voice … a deep, baritone, soothing sound. I was in disbelief. Could this voice have come from little Joshie? No way! I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them again only to see him make his way down the brightly illuminated stairway towards the center of the stage, his voice clear and resounding through the hall. I was way more then excited for him, I was exuberant, I was feverish, spirited! He had made it, he had become something, he was somebody! I felt a rush from the very deep recesses of myself all the way to my head where my vision became slightly blurred and I felt like I was going to fall over. Okay, I had to get a grip. I pulled up a chair and sat through the whole concert, riveted to that spot until the stage manager ushered me out to the bus where I watched for him to return. When he finally arrived he was effervescent, full of energy, and soaking wet. (I found out later that he had showered inside right before retreating back to the bus.) I smiled when I saw him and held my arms out to him. He embraced me briefly and then he was off towards the back of the bus where drinks waited, Jan in tow. I felt somewhat of a letdown right then. He said nothing to me and had I not acknowledged him he may not have even known I was even there. I looked out the window only to see my own pathetic reflection. I mentally chastised myself for feeling put out by his, what I called, rejection of me. I meandered back towards my bunk and crawled in. I drew the drape closed and lay back on the pillow. I could hear voices, Josh talking loudly and belching, Jan giggling and scolding him for being rude. Not long after they put on a movie and the lights dimmed. The bus began to move and after some time I fell asleep.

Life on the road had become a chore. I thought, at first I was going to like being so close to Josh but with Jan around he barely knew I existed. I spent most of my time cleaning up after them, getting their clothes to the laundry, seeing to it he was to his voice coach on time and chauffeuring the two around like a, well, like a chauffeur. I felt like the mother of teenagers who had not yet learned to drive. The hardest part was watching them play in the backseat. It made me jealous as hell. Well, there was a paycheck out of it and since I wasn’t really anywhere I could spend a lot, it was accumulating quite nicely in the bank back in Los Angeles. I busied my mind thinking about buying my own house and while Jan kept Josh engaged with her mouth I stared straight out the windshield and painted my new house in my imagination. I wasn’t used to this jealousy thing. It was making a monster out of me and I hated it.
Around the middle of August Jan was called to work and Josh warmed up to me again. I will say it was a relief to have him back. Not that I had anything against his girlfriend, I didn’t but he was a different man when she was tagging along. She was nice enough to me, somewhat reserved but then again she didn’t know me. I was sitting at the table as the bus journeyed along checking statistics from the concerts when I heard Josh bellow for me from his room. Not wanting to seem too eager for his attention again I ignored him the first two times he called for me. Moments later he appeared at the doorway and leaned against it crossing his arms defiantly. I glanced up at him and raised my eyebrows.
“Yes sir?” I said lightly.
“Did ya hear me calling for you?” He asked and raised one eyebrow at me.
“Were you calling me?” I closed my notepad and set down the pen I was holding.
“Uhhhh yeah.” He said sarcastic. I feigned embarrassment.
“I’m so sorry, I was busy.” He crossed over to the table and leaned over my shoulder.
“What are you so engrossed in?” I slammed my hand down on my notebook pretending it was something I didn’t want him to see. He immediately made to grab for it but I pulled it away.
“Nothing that would interest you. Don’t you have something else to do?” I teased.
“Yeah but now I wanna see what’s in there.” I pulled the book off the table and cradled it in my lap.
“Nothing, I swear.” I said leaning down on it with my elbows. He wrapped his arms around my arms making a sincere attempt to pull the book out of my lap. First he pulled one of my hands away and then the other. My heart pounded wildly as he play fought with me for the notebook. I had as much as I could take of this intense flirting and I let him have it. Satisfied, he sat down, grinned victoriously at me and then opened the book. He flipped through a few pages and frowned.
“What the fuck is this?” He said. I laughed out loud. “You tricked me.” I sat back in the chair and folded my arms across my chest chuckling.
“Yeah, I guess I did. You’re too nosey for your own good, do you know that?” He pushed the notebook back in my direction.
“Yeah. Now come back here, I need you.” He got up and headed towards the back. I followed. He sat down on a small couch in his room area and indicated for me to sit. When I did he handed me a game controller.
“What is this?” I asked holding it out in front of me.
“It’s an Xbox controller.” I clicked my tongue and frowned at him.
“I know what it is, what do you need from me?”
“I need you to play with me. Jan’s not here and I hate playing by myself.”
“Josh, I don’t know how to play this game … or any other for that matter.” I muttered as he set up the two player game. He laughed.
“Good then I’ll win for sure.”

Yeah, he beat the pants off of me. And had he asked me to take off my pants I would have done that too. But he thoroughly enjoyed making me look like an idiot for a while and then he got bored and kicked me out so he could take a nap. Imagine that, 23 years old and he needs a nap! I would have given anything at that moment to curl up beside him and pull the covers over our heads. Instead I lumbered back out to the table and returned to my task.

CHAPTER FOUR

The tour continued. I finished my Patricia Cornwell book and moved on to Dan Brown. I actually got Josh to start reading Patricia Cornwell but unfortunately the way I got him to read it was to promise to play games with him as often as he’d like. And surprisingly enough I was getting quite good at it! He wasn’t liking that at all and pouted a few times when I kicked the crap out of him. He got even by switching games. What an infant! The morning before the show in Washington, Josh was to appear at a record store and sign autographs. Cassie made it my job to make sure he was there on time for his appearance. He’d asked one of the roadies to come with for the trip and they brought along a baseball and gloves to entertain themselves. Much better then the alternative, a ping pong ball and paddle I thought! I sat inside with the store manager, making small talk and drinking Diet Pepsi while Josh and Andre snuck out back and played ‘toss.’ The manager had left the room a while ago and now re-appeared with the news that Josh was expected to appear any moment now. I hurried to the back door and opened it.
“Josh!” I called to him as the ball slammed into his glove. He ignored me. Assuming he didn’t hear me I hollered for him a little louder and waved my arm. “Hello! Josh!” He laughed and said something to Andre as he tossed the ball. Andre caught it and rifled it back to Josh. I glanced down at my watch and felt my anger flare. “Josh and Andre!” I yelled once more and again they ignored me. I stomped out the door and stood with my hands on my hips. “You’ve got quite a hearing problem you know that?” I snapped. Josh turned his head and upon seeing me pretended to throw the ball at me. I flinched as he laughed and tossed the ball to Andre. “It’s time you know.” When he continued to disregard my warnings I went over and stood between the two of them. Josh sighed disgustedly and dropped his hands.
“Come on, Teddy, get out of the way.”
“Come on Joshie, it’s time to go inside and sign autographs.” I countered.
“So soon?” He whined slapping the ball into the glove.
“Yessssss … now let’s go.” He tossed the ball over my head. I stomped my foot. “Dammit, Josh.” He mocked me and said,
“Dammit, Teddy.” And then both the boys followed up with laughter. I gave him a light shove and turned my back on him.
“Fine, you immature little brat, you can stay out here all night. I’ll just tell your fans you’re too busy being 5 again. Obviously you’re not too old to need a babysitter again.”
“Wooohooo hoooo!!” Andre hooted. Josh chucked his glove to the ground and lumbered over to me. He put his hands on his hips and he looked slightly peeved.
“For your information ma’am, I don’t need a babysitter. And I don’t get a lot of time to myself Teddy, I’m sure you know that.” I looked up timidly at him.
“I do know that but it’s time to go in.” I said quietly. He leaned down and picked me up, slinging me over his shoulder.
“Fine, then let’s go in!” He panted as he carried me back into the building. Right before he set me down he smacked my ass. “And don’t holler at me again or I’ll spank you again!” He warned shaking a finger at me. Glancing in the mirror he checked his hair and after taming a few curls he headed out to the store. I sighed heavily blowing air out of my mouth in relief and sat down. My legs were shaky after Josh carried me inside. He could be such a child sometimes. I leaned my head down on my arm. The counter was nice and cool and my face was hot as hell. I hated myself for feeling the way I did about him. It was useless. I never would have believed that the little boy I grew up with could be breaking my heart and making my panties wet. He was a great guy, fun and intelligent, not to mention extremely talented. I wasn’t surprised that he would never even consider dating me. Jan was gorgeous, a model, she had prestige and a fantastic career, I didn’t blame him for loving her. She doted over him, gave in to his every whim. Me, I was just a mother figure. Yeah, this relationship would go no where. I raised my head and wiped my damp eyes then headed out to the inside of the store.

There was a knock on the door of my hotel room. I turned off the TV and went to the door. It was Josh. He pushed past me and stood by the bed.
“What’s up?” I asked. He flopped backwards onto the mattress and scooted himself up to the headboard where he crossed his feet and laced his fingers behind his head.
“I have a favor to ask you.” I smiled and sauntered over.
“Oh really, what is it?” I kneeled one leg on the bed.
“I have been invited somewhere and I need an escort.” I raised one eyebrow.
“Is that so? And where have you been invited?”
“The Playboy Mansion.” My face fell. Oh boy, big deal, Playboy bunnies.
“Well isn’t that special?” I sat down on the bed.
“Hey, Miss Teddy, I would like for you to accompany me.”
“To the Playboy mansion? I would feel so uncomfortable there. Why isn’t Jan going?” He looked out the window and sighed.
“She’s in the Caribbean on a photo shoot.” I stared out the window as well. I’m second best but hey, he didn’t have to ask me at all.
“Can I let you know?” I asked. He turned to me and smiled.
“Sure.” He said scooting off the bed and heading for the door. Before he left he wheeled and came back to me. He tilted my head up towards his with a finger under my chin. “Just don’t take too long making a decision.” Before he closed the door I called out to him. He poked his head back in. “Yes?”
“I’d be honored to go with you.” He winked at me and then was gone. I flopped down on the bed, a huge grin spread across my face. I couldn’t believe it!! Josh and I were going out on a date. My heart pounded in my chest. Incredible! I allowed myself a moment or two of unbridled hysteria before I came to my senses and took a few deep breaths to calm down.
“Okay, Theodora, relax here. This isn’t a date.” I told myself out loud. “It’s because Jan’s not here that he chose you.” I took in air and exhaled slowly laying my arms palms down on the cool bedspread. Still the smile stretched across my face and made my cheeks hurt. Yeah, I said in my head, but he could have asked anyone and yet he asked you! I giggled like I was 15 and asked to my first prom. I sat up suddenly, my eyes big like saucers. “Oh shit, what do I wear?”

It wasn’t as though I had a lot of time. A week and-a-half is not a lot of time when you’re talking about finding something spectacular to wear to, of all places, the Playboy Mansion with Josh Groban who was invited personally by Hugh Heffner. This had to be the dress of all dresses, the hairdo of all hairdos, etc. I sat and thought about who I would ask to help me pick out something until my head was numb. I called my mom.
“Tell me you’re not going to that despicable place, Theo! I think you should decline.” Was her response. Oh yeah, sure, Mom, I’m going to turn down Josh. Ummm … NOT! I asked Cassie.
“Oh you’re the one he asked. I had no idea …” Was her response. Apparently she was none too thrilled. I went through a number of girlfriends, all of them from Provo. I got several ideas. ‘Oh, if you’re going to Playboy you have to dress trashy!’ Nope. Black was the color of the majority. How utterly boring! On a whim I called my mom and got a phone number from her of one of her friends, I thought of all people she would help me.
“Can you sneak away for a few days and come to L.A.? I’ll have a car pick you up at the airport and we’ll go to the place I usually go when I have something special to attend.” I smiled satisfactorily and agreed.

The night before the party Josh and I caught a jet back to L.A. Two limos picked us up from the airport, one whisked Josh away to a sound check and then to get dressed. The other took me in another direction.
I turned this way and that, my pulse was racing, my head swimming. The dress was the most beautiful thing I’d not only had ever seen but had wrapped around my modest body.
“I think it suits you well.” The saleswoman said brightly. I saw through that, she was just trying to make a sale.
“Do you think so?” I heard myself breathe. Lindy Groban smiled and nodded.
“I think it does Theo. I think we’ve found the one.” I had tried on a few dresses the week before when she and I met secretly and I thought I had found the perfect one then but when we came in today the saleswoman said a new dress had come in just that morning. My eyes lit up when I saw it, a pale yellow, sequined Derek Lam original. And now with it on I felt like a little princess all grown up. “Look at how the color goes so well with your hair.” I gazed at myself then pulled my flaxen hair back from my face and held it in a bun.
“It has got to be the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen.” Lindy’s eyes sparkled as I gushed. Then realization dawned on me, “But how much is it?” I asked.
“Never you mind, dear. You don’t buy dresses like these for one occasion, you rent them!” I frowned and glanced at her. “And I’ve got you covered.”
“But Lindy! I can’t let you …” I protested. Her lips formed a thin line as she spoke.
“Theodora, your mother is a good friend of mine. You and Josh were friends as children. I am more then happy to help. Now take off that dress, we have a hair and make-up appointment waiting.” And to the saleswoman she said, “Bag it up, we’re taking it with us.” Dutifully I did as I was told. Together we went from the Fred Segal Salon to the Yanai Salon where we were greeted by none other then Yanai Van himself.
“Darling!” He gushed scooping up Lindy’s hand and peppering it with tiny kisses. “You look better then ever! Who is it that does your hair, he is a genius!” Lindy laughed and pushed me in his direction.
“Yanai, please make her the most beautiful woman in Beverly Hills tonight.” He admired me for a moment and then winked.
“Now how can I make perfect what is already there?” I blushed. Bullshit is what it was but I’ll take a compliment any way I can get it! He hustled me into a changing room and instructed me to undress from the waist up. When that was done, a stringy girl with long, clawing nails washed my hair, wrapped it up and sent me on my way. Yanai looked at me in the mirror and I at him. I was worried quite frankly. I wasn’t used to strangers messing around with my hair. It took me several years to find a stylist I liked and now this fruitcake was going to start snipping and God only knows what would come of it. And if he made me look like some dork I was stuck with it because, and I checked my watch, I had to meet Josh in exactly three hours.
“Okay, Theodora, I have an idea. You will let me make you beautiful, yes?” I felt something drop in the pit of my stomach. What could I say?
“Yes.” I closed my eyes and forced myself to relax while he first cut and then gave me highlights. An hour later, after he dried it and I saw the color I breathed a sigh of relief. It looked marvelous! If I’d have known that a few well-placed highlights in my hair would have made it look this good I would have done it a long time ago! I turned my head. He gathered my hair in his hands and let me see it. It was soft and silky.
“Oh but mon chere, it is not finished.” He pulled me up out of the chair gently and pushed me off towards a young, comely woman. If she made me look half as good as she did then I was confident that I would be gorgeous by the time I left. Before she applied my face she had me change into my dress so that the hair and make-up would not be disturbed. After make-up I had my nails done and then I went back to Yanai. With an enormous smile that spread over his entire face he held his arms out to me. “Oh mademoiselle, you are tres beau!” I batted my eyelashes at him.
“Why thank ya sir.” I said in my best southern accent. He helped me into the chair and worked his magic. He pinned my hair upwards on the back of my head and pinned them in place with tiny bobbie pins encrusted with cubic zirconia gems. He then curled all the bits of hair that was tumbling down the back of my neck. He then sprayed everything into place. When the dust had settled he spun me around in the chair and held his arms out wide.
“Voila! Ici elle est Mademoiselle Hayes.” He said loudly. By that time Lindy had joined us. All the clients and the designers in the studio turned and let out a cheer. I giggled as I stood, straightened out my dress and regarded my reflection. I smiled satisfactorily. It was good, no it was great! I just hoped Josh would like it.

****************************************************************************

When the doorbell rang I thought I would jump out of my skin! I waited in the family room while my mom answered the door.
“Why Joshua, don’t you look handsome.” I heard her say and I suddenly felt dizzy and nauseated. “My you have grown!”
“Thank you Mrs. H, yeah I’ve grown, just a little.” I heard him say. I was more nervous then I had ever been in my life. Suddenly his large form appeared in the doorway. I gasped. He was more alluring then I ever imagined in his dark, blue suit. He leaned against the doorjamb and looked me up and down. I could feel the intensity of his stare as a smile slowly spread across his charming face. I swallowed and cleared my throat.
“Well say something.” I said but it came out as a squeak. He shook his head as if to come out of a trance.
“Teddy, you’re gorgeous.” He said barely audible. I smiled.
“Thank you.” I said.
“I am honored to be in your company. Shall we?” He held his hand out to me and I took it hoping he couldn’t feel how badly I was trembling. “Oh!” He said shoving a bouquet of flowers towards me that he had been clutching in his other hand. “I almost forgot, I brought these for you.” I took them and buried my face in the rose petals.
“Thank you, they are so beautiful.” I handed them to my mother as we headed for the door. What a gentleman, I was totally impressed. He held my hand the whole way to the car where he opened the passenger side door for me and closed it when I swung my legs inside. I admired the plush leather interior of the Gold Chrysler 300 as Josh sprinted around to the driver’s side and slid in beside me. “Is this your car, Josh?” He turned the key and the car purred to life. He chuckled as he pulled away from the curb and steered the car towards the freeway.
“Not a chance, it’s my mom’s. I thought I could fool the stalkers by driving a car they didn’t know.” I frowned.
“They know what car you drive?” He pressed his lips together and nodded.
“Mmmhmm.” I rolled my eyes and watched out the side window as we sped along the highway towards the swank little town that was Holmby Hills, home of the famed Playboy Mansion. Not to mention hundreds of mostly naked women swooning and swarming all over Josh. I felt angry and sickened about it. I glanced over at him and felt my heart skip a beat. He was beautiful, young, innocent. I felt jealous, ugly, and motherly. I wanted to gather him up in my arms and protect him. I thought about Jan, how would she deal with this situation? The fact that she wasn’t in my place spoke volumes to me. I don’t know if I could let my boyfriend go to the Playboy Mansion alone or with some woman I barely knew. But that ‘s just me. I let out a sigh and until Josh spoke I hadn’t realized it was so obvious.
“What was that for?” He asked.
“Oh, nothing really. Just a little anxious is all. This is so exciting!” I lied.
“I know, I’m looking forward to it myself.” He reached over, squeezed my hand and then let it go. “I’m glad you’re with me.”
“Just so you know I’m going to be keeping my eye on you and reporting back to Jan.” He made his mouth into an ‘O’ and then laughed out loud.
“Is that so?” He said. “I’ll be on my best behavior then.” I nodded.
“Mmmhmm.”
“When you’re looking.” He said quietly. I heard what he said and still I asked, “What did you say?” just to see if he would repeat it.
“Nothing. Nothing. I was just clearing my throat.” I flicked his shoulder with my finger.
“Just remember, I will be watching and reporting and what I don’t see the National Enquirer will.” He laughed out loud and when he looked at me I indicated with my fingers from my eyes to him while I mouthed, “watching you.” He started to giggle. I smiled and stared straight ahead.
I’d never been to an appearance quite like this one. As soon as we stopped the car and the valet opened Josh’s door the flashbulbs started to pop. It was so bright that as I got out of the car I couldn’t see a thing! Thankfully Josh grabbed my arm and led me down the red carpet towards the front door of the manse. He stopped me once or twice to pose for a picture. I could only imagine what they looked like, Josh, tall and handsome, me hunched over and squinting! Oh those photos will be classic! When we finally made it inside I had to stop and lean against the wall blinking my eyes a few times so they would adjust to the darkness.
“You okay?” Josh asked. I nodded.
“yeah, it’s just weird, all those flashes.” He led me down the hallway by my elbow.
“I know. You get used to it though.” He muttered. Josh was quite gracious as we made our way around, introducing me to everyone, getting me a glass of champagne, never leaving my side. At one point I had an inkling that he might be just as nervous being there as I was. We to the buffet table and got something to eat. He wolfed down a plate full of food in a matter of seconds. I giggled.
“What?” He asked, crackers flying out of his mouth.
“Good God Josh.” I scolded as I wiped away bits off of the lapel of his suit. He took a gulp of his drink. “I haven’t eaten all day.” I shook my head. After a while of mingling, Josh and I were finally introduced to Mr. Heffner himself. As I shook his hand I noticed that he looked a lot older in person then he did in pictures. How old was he anyway, about 105? Yet he still had women fawning all over him. There just wasn’t enough Viagra in the world if you ask me … It was shortly after that Josh was invited to sing. He sat me down at a table right in front of the microphone. On his cue the small orchestra began to play.
“Sento nell’aria il profumo di te.” He began. I sipped my champagne as he sang. It was one of my favorite songs by him, Per Te. I had goosebumps all over by the time he was finished and the crowd clapped politely.

Josh and I spent a few more hours making our way around the party. Oh and yeah, the bunnies were all around, serving food, serving drinks. I kept Josh on a short leash. He gawked. Not obviously but I was watching. I was going to make sure he looked but didn’t touch. He never left my side. In fact the later it got the closer Josh got to me. I had never seen so many celebrities in one room in all my career. Josh led me from group to group, his arm around me, introducing me as his personal assistant.
“Personal assistant, eh? How personal?” Pam Anderson sneered eyeing me up and down. “I thought you were dating January?” Josh stiffened at the mention of his love while he had an arm around me.
“I am. She’s away at the moment.” She nodded and pursed her lips. If I could have shrunk and crawled into his lapel pocket I would have. She had a way of looking at me, right through me that I felt dirty, ugly though I was only there at Josh’s request. He tightened his grip around me sensing my unease.
“I thought Cassie was your assistant?”
“She is.” Josh countered. “But I couldn’t do anything without Teddy. She’s been my right arm lately.” He looked down at me and smiled. I looked up at him. His eyes were a little out of focus.
“uh huh.” Pam Anderson said apathetically and moved away from us.
“What a bitch.” Josh muttered. “I could never stand her.” I was taken aback. I’d never heard Josh speak that way about anyone.
“She sure seems to think she’s above reproach.” Josh’s hand slid up from my shoulder to my neck where he stroked it lightly with his finger. “Josh, are you okay?” I asked nervously.
“Yeah, fine, why?” He retrieved another glass of champagne and tried to take a sip as I pulled it from his hand. “Why did you do that?” He licked the drink off his fingers where it spilled.
“You’ve had enough for the night I think.” I set the drink down on a table. “I think we should say our goodbyes.” He smiled knowingly at me.
“Yeah, okay.”

The drive home was fun and interesting as Josh sang to me all the way. He didn’t sing his own songs, he sang Veggie Tales songs. I giggled until tears fell from my eyes. When he pulled up in front of my mom’s house we both just sat in our seats a moment until Josh suddenly got out and opened my door for me. We stood in the doorway. It was an awkward moment for sure until Josh spoke.
“You were radiant tonight.” I blushed.
“Thank you.” I whispered. He leaned towards me. I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand straight and I backed up against the door. He rested his forearm against the edge of the door and met my eyes with his. “You were pretty hot yourself.” I patted the lapel of his suit coat which was now unbuttoned and hanging loosely. He reached up and loosened his tie and undid the first few buttons of his shirt. “But what about all those bunnies tonight?” I teased.
“Why should I care about bunnies when I have my own Teddy?” I felt my breath coming in short spasms as he dipped his head and brushed his lips across mine briefly. I shuddered. He slipped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him, his lips pressing more urgently against mine this time. I fell into him, my mouth opening to his. His hands moved up and down my back, fingers stroking my bare skin, slipping underneath the straps of my dress and back out again. They traveled up to my neck and onto my head where he pulled the pins out of my hair and let them drop to the porch. It fell downward in loose curls. He massaged my head as his mouth sucked at mine. I felt my legs ready to buckle, my head was foggy with desire. At that point in time nothing existed except me and him. His hands traveled downward on my body, over my rear to my thigh where he used his fingers to slide my dress upwards. His mouth moved from mine to my neck where he sucked and nipped gently at me. I gasped as he used his tongue to make circles in my skin. He groaned as he pressed himself against me, I could feel his stiff maleness straining through his suit pants. His fingers lightly stroked my thigh and slowly slid their way from the outsides towards the inside. I shook my head to clear the mist. I nervously looked around the neighborhood for suspicious eyes. I wanted him so much, I would have given anything to pull him inside, strip him naked and lick every inch of his delectable body but common sense screamed no. Common sense told me that he was doing this because he was drunk, not because he loved me. I had to put a stop to it.
“Josh.” I gasped.
“Mmmmm …” I pushed at him.
“Josh, stop. Josh.” He lifted his head and looked at me, dazed.
“What? What did you say?” He asked and kissed at my mouth, my cheek, my nose.
“You don’t want to do this.” I breathed. I was having trouble catching my breath. His overwhelming ardor sucked the air right out of me.
“Oh believe me, I do.” He dropped the hem of my dress and held my head in his hands while running his tongue along my lips. I closed my eyes and shivered. After a moment I pulled his hands away and held them at bay.
“No, honey, you don’t. Stop, Josh. Listen to me.” He sighed and laced his fingers in mine. Now that I had his attention I spoke. “You have a beautiful girlfriend that you love. I know you love her.” He looked down at the ground. “It has been a crazy night. Much drinking, mostly naked women, I don’t blame you for feeling a bit …” I trailed off.
“Passionate?” He whispered. I smiled.
“Yeah.” He let go of my hands and leaned back against the house, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment, eyes closed in thought. He tilted his head backwards and sighed heavily. I turned to him.
“I’m sorry.” He said softly, his voice choked with emotion. I could see his eyes were damp with tears.
“Hey,” I said pulling him to me. “Don’t worry about it. I was affected the same way. It would be hard not to be.” He hugged me and then pulled away.
“Yeah, well, I nearly mauled you in front of your mother’s house.” I giggled.
“Well it’s certainly not the first time.” I poked him in the abdomen and he smiled forcefully.
“And it probably won’t be the last.” He said winking at me. He slid his hands in his pants pockets and stood straight. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, thoughtfully.
“This will be our little secret. I know you love Jan and I respect that.”
“Thank you. I do love her. If I’m a little distant for a while it’s just because I’m a little ashamed.”
“Well don’t be. No harm done. Thank you for a great evening.”
“You were a great companion.” He leaned down and kissed me on the cheek before retreating to his mother’s car and speeding off. I snuck into the house and made my way quietly to my room where I slipped out of the dress and hung it up before slipping into my old bed. The sheets were cool and soft against my burning skin. My whole body was on fire after that little episode outside. I could smell him all over me, my lips burned where he’d kissed them. I rolled over, hugged my pillow and sobbed myself to sleep.

The next day, being back on the job was more strenuous then I’d ever imagined it would be. Josh was sitting with a small group of guys from the band when he saw me. We locked eyes. The pain I felt looking at him was too much to bear. He smiled at me forcefully. I gave a half wave, my wrist felt like a wet noodle. I walked past him hurriedly trying to get out of his sight. He got up quickly and being as his legs were twice as long as mine, caught up with me quickly. He grabbed my elbow and spun me around.
“Hey.” I said. I was shaking so much, I was hoping he wouldn’t notice.
“Everything okay?” He asked. I tucked my hair behind my ear nervously and nodded.
“Yeah, great. Hey, thanks for a great time the other night.”
“You know I wanted to talk to you about that. I’m really sorry things ended up the way they did.” I closed my eyes and felt tears sting under my lids.
“It’s okay, Josh. I told you that. What happened stays between you and me.” He smiled politely.
“Yeah. Everyone’s going to be asking us about the party and whatnot, just be as honest as you can without …” He twirled his finger around. “Well, you know.” I looked away and down the hall.
“I know.”
“Great. And thanks. I’m glad at least one of us is fairly mature.” He squeezed my shoulder. “I just kinda wish it was me!” He chuckled. I forced a laugh.
“Some day, little Joshie, someday.” I said as I turned away and walked down the hallway leaving him smiling at me. When I was out of sight I rubbed my shoulder where he’d squeezed it a moment ago. My whole body ached just from his gaze. I sat down in the first chair I saw before my legs collapsed underneath me. My breath came in short spurts. I honestly wasn’t sure I could do this, the reaction I had when I saw him was outlandish. How was I going to work closely with him when I could barely stand or breathe? I lifted my hand in front of my face, it shook like an earthquake. No, I couldn’t do it. I put my head in my hands. Just as I felt like the tears were going to come and I would feel some semblance of relief I heard someone coming down the hallway towards me. I sniffled and wiped my eyes. The last thing I wanted was to be caught crying. I stood up, took off my glasses and rubbed my eyes. Yeah, I was wearing glasses today after I’d cried my eyes out and ruined my contacts the day before.
“Hey! Theo, I heard the party was pretty good.” It was one of the band members, Eric. He clapped me on the back. I turned and gave him my best smile.
“It was very … interesting to say the least. I made sure Josh was on his best behavior.” He frowned, concerned.
“You okay?” He asked putting his hand on my back.
“Oh, yeah, I just have a slight headache today.” He nodded knowingly.
“I hate hangovers. Don’t get them anymore since I stopped drinking way too much. So you kept the Joshman from being a bad boy, eh? How in the hell did you do that? Did you handcuff him to the wall?” He joked as he moved past me and into the backstage area of the venue. I sighed and went to find Cassie. I needed to find out how she needed my help. I was hoping she’d give me some menial task away from everyone. No, of course not. She wanted me to drive Josh to his voice coach. Yay. I met him out by my car. He was leaning against the passenger side, sunglasses shading his eyes. I made to get into the driver’s door and dangled the keys in front of him.
“You gonna want to wrestle me for the keys again?” I asked with a sigh. He halted getting into the car and looked at me.
“Not unless you want me to.” Oh, I did. I wanted him to wrestle me in the worst way. My chest hurt thinking about it. I continued to get into the car and belt myself in.
“Not today.” I said as he climbed in. We drove off. The whole way there he lay back in the seat, his arm over his eyes. At one point I thought I even heard him snore. I poked him under the arm and he jumped up, looking back and forth, obviously confused. His eyes were red and bleary.
“What’s wrong? Where are we?” I put a hand on his arm.
“We’re almost to the studio. You were snoring. Are you okay?” He lay back down and closed his eyes.
“Nothing, I’m just tired. That party did me in.” He used a tone with me I’d never heard before and I was taken aback by it. I said nothing else until we got to where we were going. Then I got out of the car and opened the door for him. He sat up when he heard the door and didn’t speak as he went into the studio. I fished my own sunglasses out of my glove box and slid them up onto my face while I lay back in the seat and closed my own eyes. How dare he get snippy with me! He nearly nails me on the doorstep and I save his ass and he gets crabby? “Pfffft.” I said waving my hand and turned the radio up. I figured a bit of classical music would soothe my soul and I was right. I tried a bit of meditation and cleared my mind. That was until that crazy Californian with the wild, curly hair popped into my mind and not only did I see him but I could actually hear his voice.
“I love you.” He whispered. I smiled keeping my eyes closed. I didn’t want to open them and burst my bubble. “Teddy.” He now whispered. “Teddy Bear.” I felt something brush against my nose and sat bolt upright swatting at whatever it was. Josh jumped back from the car window and laughed. “Woah, hey! Watch it there, killer.” He said approaching the window again timidly. I glared at him. How dare he first get snippy and now break into my dreams, about him no less!
“What did you say just now?” I quizzed. He made his way over to the passenger side and got in.
“I said watch it there, killer.” I shook my head and started the engine.
“No before that.” He busied himself with his seat belt.
“Oh, I was calling your name. I said, Teddy.” He concealed his eyes with sunglasses again and stared out his side of the car.
“I thought you said something else.” I muttered.
“Nope.” Was his reply.

CHAPTER FIVE

There were only 10 more days to the tour before a short break and then we were off to visit the world. I counted down the days until I could go home and be by myself for a while. I needed a break from Josh, from his hold over me. Two days before the tour ended Jan made another appearance. I didn’t mind seeing her, I didn’t mind talking to her. It was tough but I could do it. The only thing that bothered me was watching them kiss. After knowing his mouth, those delicious lips it was just cruelty in it’s rawest form. At night when I lay in my bunk, his body not that far away from mine, I ached for him. I could smell him, I could hear him snore lightly. And one of those nights when Jan was there I could hear them making love. I lay face down on my bed and pulled the pillow over my head and still I could hear her blissful sighs and his satisfactory moans. I shoved my fingers in my ears and cried softly.

I absolutely loved the way the kitchen opened into the family room and the family room had a fireplace! The kitchen cabinets were white but that would have to go. I wanted something with a little warmth. Nearly a year ago when I was still in Provo I had white everything. Now I needed warmth, comfort.
“Theo, there are three bedrooms in this place!” I heard my mom’s voice drift down from somewhere above.
“Yeah, I know Mom. You’re not planning on moving in are you?” I yelled back, teasing.
“Do you want me to?” I heard her say as she tottered down the stairs. I sighed and leaned on the counter. My counter. My kitchen. My house. My peace and quiet. The furniture would be delivered day after tomorrow and I would move out of my parent’s house for the second time.
I curled up on the couch in my silk pajamas, sipped a steaming cup of Chai Tea and flipped on the TV. I snuggled into the fluffy pillows and delighted in the repose that was my solitude. I did feel a little bad leaving mom again but she promised to come for lunch in two days and every couple days after that until I left on tour again. I didn’t mind. I enjoyed her company but the nights I spent alone in my own new bed were fabulous. The day Mom came for lunch I made Pasta Fagioli, garlic bread, and salad – Italian style. The doorbell rang and I mentally chastised her for ringing it instead of just walking on in. I opened the door quickly.
“Mom, you know you don’t have to ring the doorbell.” I said. She wasn’t alone.
“Sweetie, I brought Lindy. I didn’t think you’d mind. She was anxious to see your new place.” Mom stepped past me and into the house. Lindy held her arms out to me and we embraced. It was good to see her. I hadn’t really had a chance to properly thank her for what she’d done for me the month earlier.
“Of course I don’t mind! Come in Mrs. Groban.” I gave her the ten cent tour and then we all convened in the kitchen for some lunch.
“Theo, your home is beautiful.” Lindy said finishing her soup. I smiled.
“Thank you, I really haven’t had a chance to do anything to it yet but there will be time.” She nodded and looked around.
“I think you can do a lot here and I’m willing to help if you need it. And by the way, “ She touched my hand as she spoke. “You don’t have to call me Mrs. Groban, I think you’re old enough now to call me Lindy.” I blushed. I don’t think I would feel comfortable calling her by her first name.
“I would appreciate that, Lindy. If you have some ideas please just shout them out. I’m open to any suggestions.” Mom laughed.
“I think I would strip these cabinets of all this white paint for a start.” I pointed at her.
“I thought the exact same thing!” I said, excited.
“Great minds think alike. I should get Chris or Josh over here to help, I stripped my cabinets once and they were a huge help. That is if either one of them were even in the state!” I felt a lump in my throat at the mere mention of his name. I had pushed him from my mind the day the tour broke and there he was, painfully in my thoughts again like a bleeding open wound that had been mended together and had now pulled apart. It hurt like hell. “The limo took Josh and Jan straight to the airport as soon as they finished up and I haven’t heard from him ever since.” I stared down at my hands.
“Not a very considerate son now is he?” I said quietly.
“You know Theo, Josh talks about you all the time.” My head perked up at that. “He calls you Teddy.” I nodded.
“I think he does that just to irritate me.” I countered.
“No, no, I don’t think he does. He speaks very highly of you. If I didn’t know better I would say he likes you.” Her eyes sparkled as she winked at me. I felt a pang of grief. Sure, he likes me but he’s vacationing with January, giving her his love, his adoration, his body. And I was having lunch with his mom. Honestly, at that point I thought I was better off. Until she mentioned his name I was feeling a sense of relief.
“Well, I used to be his babysitter and if you think about it, I still am.” We all had a good giggle over that. “Only now my pay has a little more then doubled!”
“You mean you didn’t buy this house with that babysitting money I paid you?”
“Pffft!” I retorted. “Do you know what your boys used to do to me?” I asked. Her curiosity piqued, she raised one eyebrow. “They used to spray my shirt all the time to try to get a peek at my bra!”
“Oh my Lord!” Lindy groaned. “They were awful.”
“Have they really grown up? Do boys ever grow up?” Mom asked. Lindy shook her head.
“No, I don’t think so.” Mentally I disagreed. Josh had certainly become a man.

Josh lay in bed, the sun peeked in rousing him. His eyes would not stay closed. He hated that. He and Jan had been up late the night before and all he wanted was to sleep. He could feel her thin form behind him, curled up, facing the other way. On any other day, maybe months ago, maybe a year ago he would have rolled over and slid his arms around her, cuddling, falling back to sleep but that wasn’t to be. He hadn’t cuddled her in weeks. He forced his eyes shut and tried to contain his breathing. He saw images under his lids, visions he couldn’t contain. It was Teddy. She was haunting him. For some time she had been visiting him in his dreams and they crossed over into his thoughts and fantasies during the day as well as the night. He thought back to the first time he saw her. It was the photo shoot for the tour book. He turned and saw Carrie and someone else who struck him as familiar. He clicked through his memory until he had it. It was Theodora Hayes, the neighbor girl from his childhood who had been his babysitter. His mom had asked if he could help her out by giving her a job and he agreed not realizing she had grown and transformed into such a beauty! He had been smitten ever since. How easy it was when Carrie asked him if he wouldn’t mind if Theo was assigned to shadow herself and help him out personally, he didn’t hesitate with the answer. He had always had a crush on her. She was the proverbial ‘older woman’ with whom he would have loved to experiment. He and his brother would complain to his mother whenever she told them Theo was babysitting again but secretly he was thrilled. He lay in the grass in the front yard of his house in an L.A. suburb and plot his attacks on her. He tried anything to touch her budding teenage body! The plans often times involved water and he would put Chris up to it. He was younger and would appear more innocent. One time after soaking her Josh got her down on the ground and not only saw her nipples through her shirt but actually touched them. He would never forget that. That was also the time she flipped him and he smacked his head on the ground so hard he saw stars. He didn’t care, it was well worth it. Now here she was, more grown and lovely. And here he was grown and smitten! And also laying next to his girlfriend of a few years now. The relationship was going south and he wasn’t afraid to admit it. He sighed afraid that it was going south because of his feelings for Teddy. Many times over the last 10 months he tried to convince himself otherwise. Jan was selfish, Jan was immature, Jan was lonely, Jan was co-dependent, Jan didn’t love him, she just used him as a trophy. He squeezed his eyes shut until he saw little flashes of light and then eased back resulting in just darkness under his lids. He watched Teddy, watched for any sign she was interested in him but he found none. She was dutiful, watching out for him, driving him places, scheduling appointments and appearances but always the polite, ever distant older – and employed – woman. He thought back to the Playboy party. How breathtaking she was when he first made his way into the Hayes’ home to pick her up. He wasn’t sure what to expect then. He thought she might be wearing some business suit-type dress, her hair up and matted down with hairspray. When he saw her, resplendent in her yellow, sparkling, short gown, her hair all in curls his breath caught in his chest and he thought he was going to choke. She was more breathtaking then Jan could ever hope to be. And there she stood, smiling at him, waiting. Jan never waited for him, he was always waiting for her. She was forever primping and prepping, doing her hair, her make-up. She had to be perfect. He didn’t care about perfect, he cared about how he felt. And he had feelings for Teddy. During the Playboy party he drank some. Teddy assumed that he had too much and was tipsy. He didn’t. Not even close. The end of that night, while the two stood at Teddy’s door he gave in to his urgings and kissed her. She was so beautiful, so demure, he tried to resist and found he was helpless. One touch of her lips and he was hooked and the very second she had succumbed to his advances he had made up his mind that she would be his, he would bed her. But it was not to be. It was evident to him that she was the tipsy one and once she had come to her senses and saw what they had done she felt guilty. The very instant that she mentioned Jan it was over. His desire was ebbed. His subconscious took the wheel and he drove home in shame much like a puppy with his tail between his legs. The next day, back on tour, and at the venue had to have been the worst day he’d ever had. He was forced to talk to other people about the party and even worse, forced to face her, ashamed and guilty. She seemed hesitant, distant. He imagined she felt he was licentious, loose, just looking for a quickie and that wasn’t the case. But she had made herself very clear the night before that she knew he loved Jan and by saying that he was a taken man, was denouncing his feelings for her. He’d made up his mind right then to let her be, to stay away from her as much as possible, to distance himself and let his emotions cool. So as soon as the tour came to a halt he booked a trip for himself and Jan to Mexico, perhaps he could rekindle something that had been lost in the fray. He opened his eyes, the sunlight was intense, his eyes burned. He shut them again. He was starting to get uncomfortable laying there, wide awake, mind whirling, eyes throbbing. He crept out of bed and made his way into the bathroom. He brushed his teeth and washed his face and then snuck out onto the veranda. He leaned his elbows down on the railing and stared out into the ocean. His plan to relight the flame between himself and Jan had seemed to be working. They had fun sightseeing, shopping, dining, dancing, making love until he called his mom to catch up things with her and to see what her and dad had been up to lately and found out that Teddy had bought a house nearby and mom was helping her decorate. He also found out that she had been instrumental in getting Teddy set up for the Playboy party.
“You really like her, don’t you mom?” The instant the question had escaped his mouth he regretted asking it.
“You know Josh, it’s funny you should ask me that.” His mom replied, calmly. “I do like Theo. She’s a smart girl with drive and a real job.” He sighed and rolled his eyes. ‘Here it comes.’ He thought. His mother was not an advocate of his relationship with January. She didn’t care much for models and had let him know, with no uncertainty how she felt almost from the moment the two met. “Not to mention, she’s a natural beauty, she doesn’t have to wear three layers of make-up just so people won’t know what she really looks like. I’ve seen her in paint-splattered sweats and a tank top and she’s just as lovely as she was when you picked her up for that party.” Just the mere mention of Teddy in sweats and a tank top was enough to stir his insides. He could picture it, her flaxen hair pulled up carelessly into a ponytail, loose sweats, and braless under a tight tank, her nipples pressed taught against the fabric. He purposefully draped his hand over the bulk that was forming in his jeans in case Jan caught him on the phone.
“I’m sure she was, Mom. What are you trying to say?” He wondered why he would ask such a thing and then he realized he really wanted to know. There was silence on the other end for a moment.
“She’s perfect for you Josh. I saw the pictures of you two in all the magazines and you are adorable together. But it’s none of my business.” He looked upwards at the ceiling, deep in thought.
“Mom, she’s like 6 years older then me.” He bounced the ball back in her court.
“What does that have to do with it?” Mom snapped and smacked the ball right back to him. “Age is just a number! Don’t be stupid Joshua.” He smiled broadly.
“I can’t help it, I am stupid.” He teased.
“You are not. I just want you to think about it.” Oh, he had thought about it, way too much in the last few days as a matter of fact. He sat silent. “Before she goes and gets herself a boyfriend. Do you hear me Josh?” The sound of his name brought him back.
“Yeah, mom, I hear you. I have to get going, I’m supposed to meet Jan downstairs in the restaurant shortly. She thinks I’m taking a nap.”
“What is it with you and naps? You haven’t taken naps since you were 6, why the change all of a sudden? You’re not on illegal drugs are you?” He laughed out loud at that. He heard his mother laughing on the other end as well.
“No, Mom. I like naps!” He hung up the phone and went to change for dinner. Besides, he thought with a sly smile on his face, during his ‘naps’ he could fantasize about what life might be like with Teddy.

CHAPTER SIX

Thanksgiving day I was packed and ready to head out to the airport. I stashed a few books I’d meant to read in the last month and didn’t, snacks, sleeping pills, and a CD player in my carry-on. It was going to be a long flight, I wasn’t looking forward to it and mostly I wasn’t looking forward to having to encounter Josh once more. The time we spent apart had helped me greatly. I knew that as soon as I saw that gorgeous face I was going to lose it and I dreaded it. Lindy had been a huge help with the house but she tended to rattle on and on about Josh and Jan. I almost couldn’t stand to hear any more. Then she confessed that she was afraid they were going to get married.
“Afraid?” I prodded. She pursed her lips and sighed.
“Yeah, I have to confess Theo, I don’t want him to marry that woman. I want grandchildren and what do you bet she won’t get pregnant for fear of ruining her career. She strikes me as being very selfish that way.” I sucked my bottom lip while I took in her concern.
“It’s the ugly reality of modeling Lindy.” I said finally. “But Josh wouldn’t disappoint you by not having a child, would he?”
“If he marries that woman he will.” Lindy was not a fan of Josh’s relationship. That probably made it stronger.
I settled myself into my seat and watched as a few of the band members straggled in. I put on my headphones, slipped a classical music CD into the player and leaned my head back. Moments passed when I felt someone flop down in the seat next to me. I tried to ignore but I swore I could feel someone staring at me. I peeked out of one eye and nearly jumped out of my skin. There was Josh, just a few inches from my face, smiling brightly. His eyes sparkled. I clutched at my chest and pulled off the headphones.
“What the hell are you trying to do, kill me?” I stammered. He snickered.
“Well it wasn’t my intent but you sure looked scared.” He turned and squirmed in his seat, trying to get comfortable. “This is going to be a long, boring flight. I hope you brought me something to do.” I clicked my tongue and glared at him.
“Tell me you brought something to do little Josh. Do you think I’m going to sit here and play patty cake with you for two days?” He grinned foolishly.
“That sounds like a lot of fun. What’s involved in this ‘patty cake’ game?” He raised one eyebrow at me. I smiled a half smile and turned my head to look out the window. At my dismissal he stood up and stuffed something into the overhead compartment and then moseyed over to talk to Zach, the pianist in the band sitting a few rows ahead of us. I watched him banter with Zach, he hadn’t changed much in the couple of months we were away. His hair was longer and a little matted tonight. He had the shadow of a beard on his almost pretty face and in his round, brown eyes, a certain sparkle. A thought suddenly hit me just like a pound of bricks – he probably had asked Jan to marry him. That was why he was so chipper and lively. He’d popped the question and she said yes. I took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. Not only was this going to be a long flight but it was going to be hell on earth – or in the sky as the case may be.

_______________________________________________________

Josh sensed that Jan was aware that something was not right between them. She’d been overtly clingy lately and it was getting annoying. He sat alone on the veranda looking out over the vast blueness of the ocean feeling a sense of calm when she spied him and interrupted his peaceful thoughts. Walking up behind him she lay her hands on his shoulders and began to massage. On any other day it would have felt wonderful but this time her touch was about to send him careening over the edge of reason.
“Hey, hey.” He said as he pulled her hands from his neck and led her around the chair in front of him. Instead of sitting in it, she wrapped her arms around his neck and climbed into his lap. He dropped his head and she pulled it towards her breast. “Jan, I am not in the mood for you on my lap.” He picked her up and set her down in front of himself. She stared at him, not believing what she’d just heard.
“What do you mean you’re not in the mood?” She planted her hands on her hips in defiance. He sighed and rubbed his eyes.
“I have been getting a headache all day and it’s hurting like hell.”
“Oh, honey …” She was suddenly behind him again this time slipping her fingers through his damp hair and rubbing his scalp. He closed his eyes. “Jan …” He said softly. “January.” This time a little louder. Her hands stopped moving and she leaned down in front of his face.
“Yes?” He looked up at her.
“Honey, we have to have a talk.” Her body stiffened but her hands continued massaging as if they had a mind of their own.
“What about?” She asked lightly.
“Us.”
“What about us?”
“Dammit, Jan, sit down. This is serious.” He jerked her hands from his head pulling out a few hairs in the fray. It wasn’t helping his headache anyway. He didn’t want to have this talk, he was afraid of the outcome but it had to be. He had thought about it too long and too hard to let it go anymore. He couldn’t fake his enthusiasm over this relationship any longer. Yes, the time had come. She sat down in front of him, anger blatant in her expression.
“What’s going on with you, Josh? You’ve been acting weird since we got here.” He leaned his elbows down on his knees and stared down at the deck.
“I’ve changed. I …” He trailed off not knowing exactly how to put it. He glanced up at her, puppy eyes sad and distant. “I’m not sure how to say it.” She sighed and crossed her legs.
“I see. You’re dumping me. That’s why you’ve been drinking like a fish. I should have known.” She picked at her finger nails, scraping off the polish. Josh rested his face in his hands. His temples were throbbing. He had more to drink the night before then he’d ever had in his life. He didn’t like to drink a lot. One or two here or there was more then enough for him usually. But right now he needed the escape. If he had a drink next to him right now he would have downed it in one gulp. He’d never broken up with someone before. It seemed most of his life he was the one being dumped. How the tables have turned! He didn’t want to hurt Jan, he just didn’t want to date her any longer. Maybe they could still be friends …
“Jan, honey, I just would like to be apart for a while, maybe, you know, date other people for a bit. See how it goes.” She rolled her eyes at that. She knew that line, she’d used it more then once.
“Yeah, whatever Josh.” She got up and went back into the room where she pulled her suitcase out of the closet and began to pack her things in it. Josh sighed heavily and squeezed his fingers around his head. After a few minutes he got up and went inside. Jan was busy collecting her perfume bottles and lotions from the bathroom.
“Jan …” He sighed. She ignored him and continued her task. He went over and grabbed her hands and pulled her to him. “Jan, it doesn’t have to end this way.” She glared up at him, her lips a thin line.
“Doesn’t it?”
“come here, come here.” He drew her in, wrapping her arms around him. She hugged him tightly digging her nails into his back. He cringed. He felt the front of his shirt damped with her tears and all he could think was how was he going to get the mascara stains out. “I’m very sorry.” She withdrew from him and used a tissue to daub at her eyes.
“I’m sorry too. It’s that woman, isn’t it?” He feigned confusion. “Oh Josh, please! It’s so obvious, not only to me but to everyone. Probably her too.”
“Who are you talking about?” He felt his cheeks tinge pink.
“Ummmm … Theodora? The girl who’s head is up your ass constantly.” He frowned.
“That wasn’t nice. She’s there to help me.”
“She’s not helping you while she’s got her head up your ass. I’m sure you enjoy it or you wouldn’t have it going on all the time. I’ve heard things, Josh. I saw the pictures of you two at the Mansion. I’m not as stupid as you may think I am.”
“I do not think you’re stupid.” She sighed.
“Okay, blind then. I’m not blind, neither is Cassie, neither is anyone else who spends any time around you.”
“I have known Teddy since I was little.” He said in defense of his relationship. “She’s like family.” Jan made a face. “That’s just not right.” Josh sighed. He grinned foolishly ashamed that he was not able to control it.
“Okay, listen. I don’t altogether disagree with you here. I think we should take some time off from each other.” Finally, a ray of hope! “I’ve got some shoots coming up and so I’m going to be in Paris and Athens for the next 4 months. I don’t like sitting on that tour bus with you. It’s quite boring.” She leaned into the mirror and fixed her make-up. Turning, she flashed a smile. “Besides, it’s way too hard to get it on while everyone’s listening.” Josh searched her face for some sort of understanding.
“I didn’t know you felt that way.” Jan nodded.
“I’ve felt that way for a while now.”
“Wow.” He rubbed his temples, the tension easing some. “So you’re … okay with this?” Slipping the last of her make-up into a bag she turned on her heels and went back into the bedroom.
“ Yeah, Josh, I’m okay with it.” He followed her. “It’s just hard to deal with the reality of it. We’ve been together two years already. Our relationship was getting … comfortable.” Josh grasped her hand and pulled her into his arms. He looked down at her and smoothed her hair out of her face. She looked him over and smiled. His eyes met hers and held them.
“Would you have dinner with me tonight?” He asked. They were due to leave Mexico tomorrow anyway. Jan smiled and kissed him lightly.
“Sure, where should we go?”
Once they arrived back in L.A., January caught a flight back to New York and Josh took the limo back to his waiting, empty, quiet condo. He couldn’t wait to get there and unwind. This last month was supposed to be relaxing, time away from the pressures of the road and the tour but it proved to be frustrating then working. He decided not to tell anyone about his break up just yet. He also decided to wait until the tour began to see Teddy, he kept an eye on her precariously through his mom. He wanted to give himself time to get over the hurt of the split. His soul needed to heal.
CHAPTER SEVEN

South Africa was one of the most beautiful places on earth. I couldn’t believe I was actually here. The second day of the tour I was taken on a private tour of Johannesburg by Zachary, the pianist in the band. I asked Cassie if I could go off for a while and she gave me her blessing. We were headed out to a waiting cab when we passed Josh as he was heading into the hotel.
“Where are you two going?” He asked planting one hand on his hip. He was wearing his glasses and had on a light blue tee shirt. His hair fell in wild curls down his neck and near his shoulders. He looked adorable. He eyed me.
“I’m going to show Theo around. I love Johannesburg. What are you doing to do?” Zach asked him. Josh looked out the front window at the cab.
“I was going to see what you guys were up to.” I felt bad. Josh looked agitated that we were leaving him and he wasn’t invited.
“We’ll be back a little later.” Zach slid his arm around me and pulled me towards the door.
“Hey, can I go?” Josh called, sounding more then a little pathetic. Zach left me at the revolving door and went to Josh. He put his arm around his shoulder and walked him towards the elevators. I watched curiously as Zach spoke to Josh then rubbed a hand over his very bald head, laughed, and clapped Josh on the back. He made his way back and pushed me outside.
“What did he say? Is he upset?” I asked once we were safely in the cab and heading down the highway.
“Ahh, he’s okay. He is just used to everyone doting on him and showering him with attention. Sometimes Josh can be a big kid.” I nodded knowingly but I still felt bad. It was great being out with Zach, he was really handsome, tall, strong, but I missed being with Josh. His silly banter, the way he teased me. You would think I wouldn’t want to be near him, looking at him brought me back to the night of the party, on my doorstep, his mouth on mine, his hands on the bare flesh of my back, his long, seductive fingers exploring … No, I loved to torture myself and be with him. *Sigh*

Johannesburg was the most fabulous city I’d ever been to. It was called the City of Gold – mostly due to the fact that it was established during the gold rush of 1886 but I think the real reason it was called the City of Gold was because of the people! Culturally diverse, the people were the best part of Zach’s tour. We drove around the city itself, perusing the architecture with a narrative by the cab driver who, himself was born and raised within Joburg’s city limits. As it turns out, Joburg is about the richest city in South Africa as evidenced by the balance of architecture and art. But as the driver slowed past buildings and monuments my mind was on Josh; where he was, what he was doing. It was just then that my cell phone went off. I smiled, embarrassed and answered it.
“Where are you?” It was Josh.
“How am I supposed to know, have I ever been to South Africa before?” He sighed.
“What are you doing?”
“Looking at shit.” I eyed Zach and he frowned, apparently knowing it was Josh. “I mean the gorgeous city of Joburg.”
“Joburg, eh? So now you’re a native?” I sighed and frowned.
“Is there something you need little Josh?” I said turning my head so as not to be heard by Zach.
“No, I’m bored to shit is all. Thanks for deserting me.” I felt a pang of guilt again.
“Am I not allowed to have time to myself?”
“You’re not by yourself now are you?” He nagged.
“Do I detect a note of jealousy there mister?” Silence on the other end and then the television in the background.
“Why would you think that? I’m just bored. Alone. No one to play with.”
“The show is tonight, shouldn’t you be doing a sound check or something?” Zach growled at me. I smiled weakly.
“Ummm Zach’s supposed to be doing the sound check too. When are you coming back?” I giggled softly.
“Soon.” I said and hung up.
“That was rude.” Zach said eyeing the driver.
“Sorry.” I mouthed and slipped my phone back into my purse.

We had an early dinner together and before that some shopping, my favorite thing to do! I picked up something for Josh, it was a love potion sold at a place called Mai Mai Market. It was traditionally a market for herbal remedies and cures for ailments. and when I found the potion in an African doll I thought maybe it would help me! In another shop I found the most gorgeous bathing suit that was hand crocheted. I clutched it to my chest, a huge smile across my face and pictured the look on Josh’s when he saw me in this. My mind was whirling! I figured since it was so warm and there was a pool at the hotel I would lay out and tan a little. That’s where the potion would come into play … Zach and I ended up in a fine restaurant downtown called The Meat Company where we had steak that was unequalled in the States followed by a bottle of local red wine. The wine may have been a little too much considering I hadn’t eaten all day. Josh called at least three more times during the time we were away. The last time he called was right after all the wine and the steak and we were on our way back to the hotel. The sun was setting quickly and though it was the most visually captivating vision I’d ever seen it was nothing without Josh who, by the way, was now on my cell phone verbally abusing me for not being there. Zach sighed.
“Josh, Josh, what in the world is going on?” I held my hand over the mouthpiece when Zach started mocking me. “Knock it off.” I mouthed. He opened and closed his hand as if he was Josh talking. I smacked him. “Listen, I’m going to be back in like ten minutes, can we talk then? Zach is right here, do you want to talk to him? Fine, then I will see you in like what?” I questioned Zach. He shrugged.
“When we get there.” He replied, disinterested.
“Ten minutes, Josh. Ten.” I hung up the phone and slipped it back inside my purse next to the doll.
“Why do you cater to him like that?” Zach snapped. I felt my cheeks redden.
“Umm how about because I’m paid to?” He eyed me disgustedly.
“No, Theo, there’s a difference between being a paid assistant and a babysitter.” The remark hit me like a blow to the chest. Did the others look at me like that, like Josh’s paid babysitter? I thought we had outgrown those roles but apparently that wasn’t the case. I opened my mouth in protest but he hushed me with his hand on my lips. “Don’t deny it. We all see it. He plays with you, he toys with you. And obviously you love it.” Ashamed I looked away. Zach took my hand in his, mine was ice cold, his warm and soft. “I’m sorry Theo. I …” He trailed off and then cleared his throat. “I think you are so beautiful.” Stunned I looked at him. “I have been wanting to ask you out for a while but Josh never lets you out of his sight any more.”
“He’s high maintenance.” I offered. Zach laughed and so did I.
“Yeah, that’s the truth.” He sighed. “Anyway, I’d love to see you again if you would like.” I blushed again. What would I say? Was I just chasing a dream with Josh? Was there any chance with him? It wasn’t looking much like it. Would I spend the rest of my life being his well-paid babysitter while he romped and made babies with January? I had to make a decision. I decided now was not the time to make that decision!
“Yes, Zach, that would be nice.” I lied. I wouldn’t mind seeing him again as a friend but a romantic relationship? I wasn’t too sure about that. The cab stopped quickly in front of the hotel. Zach threw some rand at the driver and held the door open for me. Gathering my belongings I slid out of the car and onto the warm pavement. Zach walked me to my room and waited expectantly. I wasn’t ready for the first kiss situation and leaned back nervously against the door waiting for Josh to appear any minute. Zach leaned in for the kiss and right on cue my cell started to ring. He pulled my purse out of my hand and dropped it to the floor as he pressed his mouth on mine. I kissed him quickly and then scrambled for my purse and my phone. Right as I reached it the damned thing stopped ringing.
“He’s going to kill me.” Zach sighed and slid his arm around my waist pulling me closer to him. I put my hands on his chest to keep him at bay. He was much larger and beefier then Josh, his chest taught under my hands. He slowly pulled me to him. “Zach, I have to go.” I protested to no avail. His mouth came down on mine. His kiss, warm and wet. It wasn’t as though it was awful. Far from it but I was worried that Josh would appear and my chances with him would be flushed right down the toilet. I kissed him briefly and then gently pushed him away. “Time to go get ready for the show, Zach. Aren’t you late for sound check?” I quickly turned and slid my card key in the slot. The door slid open effortlessly. He smiled at me.
“Yes. It’s time for sound check. I will see you later at the venue.” He planted a kiss on my forehead and whistled off down the hall. I closed the door behind me and leaned against it letting out a massive sigh of relief. There was a knock at the door not two seconds later. Fearing it was Zach again I waited a moment before peering out the keyhole. I saw a mass of brown curls.
“Some ten minutes.” Josh said pushing past me into my room. He looked around. “Zach here?” He asked. I clicked my tongue and frowned.
“No, he isn’t here. What is with you today? You have been really annoying.” I set down my purse and went over to the sink distracting myself by washing my hands. He slid onto my bed and lay down.
“I’m really tired and I’m really bored. You’ve been gone for hours.” I sat down next to him.
“Well you were gone for a few months and lived without me. What was the difference between that and a few hours?” He looked over at me and tried to look serious but a grin spread over his face and he laughed. “What?” I asked, suspicious.
“I was just jealous that you were with Zach.” My eyes opened wide. He rolled over onto his stomach. I smacked his ass.
“You were not. You were just being a spoiled brat.” He kicked off his shoes and scooted himself up to the pillows. He pulled one out from under the coverlet and stuffed it under his head.
“Yeah, so?” He muttered and closed his eyes. “I really am tired.” He yawned. I had to admit that the two day flight had taken its toll on me too. I slid off my shoes and sat down on the bed next to him. Timidly I reached out and touched his back. I moved my hand around, lightly touching him. “Mmmmmm …” He sighed. I boldly used both hands and rubbed his back. Before long he was breathing heavily and evenly. So now, I thought to myself, I had come full circle. Remember the beginning of my story where I was telling you about being with this angel for nearly a year and loving him so much without that love being reciprocated? Well here I was. So close and yet so far. I lay down next to him and seconds later I too, was out.
The alarm went off. I heard it in the distance. I slid my arm around Josh and snuggled close to him ignoring the shrill. It was getting louder. I raised my head up off the bed and squinted my eyes trying to focus in the dark. ‘Ring, ring.’ I shook my head. It was the phone and not an alarm. I stumbled off the bed and picked it up. It was Cassie.
“Where’s Josh? It’s an hour before he goes on!” She shouted into my ear. I glanced over at the bed where Josh still lay motionless.
“He’s right here, I’ll get him down there right away.” I turned on the light next to the bed and my heart leaped into my throat. He lay still on top of the covers. He was on his side snoring lightly.
“If you would please.” She said and hung up. I set the phone back on it’s cradle. I moved awkwardly towards the bed and his lifeless form. I could see the indentation from where I was sleeping next to him. I gasped when I remembered putting my arm around him and spooning him. I sat down next to him on the bed and lightly shook him. He didn’t move at first. I got up on my knees and leaned over him. I pinched his nose. He swatted at me.
“What are you doing?” He mumbled.
“Trying to get you up big guy.” He pushed me away.
“Don’t bother. I’m just going to lay here a little while longer.” I stuffed my fingers in his nostrils so he couldn’t breathe.
“No you’re not. You’ve got a show in an hour.” He grabbed my hand.
“You’re trying to kill me aren’t you?” I laughed.
“No, then I’d be out of a job!” He reached back, grabbed me around the waist and flipped me onto the other side of the bed where he held my hands tightly in his and then dropped his head back on the pillow. He closed his eyes and smiled.
“Now let me lay here for another half an hour. I’m so fucking tired.”
“Josh.” I said. He ignored me. “Josh.” I kicked at him. He leaped up suddenly and hopped on top of me, one knee on either side of my waist then he pinned my wrists down to the bed. He growled at me.
“I’m up now. You want to play?” I stuck my tongue out at him.
“You can’t play, you’ve got a show in like …” I strained to see the watch on my wrist. “Forty-five minutes.” His face dropped to a frown.
“Oh, God, you’re kidding?” He released me and bounded off the side of the bed. He looked around for his shoes, frustrated when he couldn’t find them. “We’ve got to get to the venue. Teddy, where’d you put my shoes?” I was paralyzed momentarily by his bold attempt at foreplay but when he started to panic I slid off the bed and lifted the coverlet that had slid down on top of them, hiding them from view.
“You’re such a shit.” I said.
“Yes, I am. Hurry, hurry, we’re going to be late. It’s all your fault for letting me sleep so long!” He chided as I slipped my feet into my clogs and put on a jacket. We ran the two blocks to the venue. The after show was short and sweet. I excused myself at midnight and along with a few other crew members straggled back to the hotel. No one was up early the next day and around 2PM we headed out to Cape Town on a private jet.

Josh nearly sprinted to the plane. He was anxious to see Teddy. There she was, sitting placid, headphones on. He made his way down the aisle and flopped down next to her. She ignored him. He sighed and turned to her, staring at her beautiful, peaceful face. It wouldn’t have taken any effort at all to lean forward and plant a kiss on her lips but just then she peeked out and leapt so high that she almost hit her head on the roof. He smiled and then tried settling into the seat. It was uncomfortable already, and if it wasn’t for Teddy being there he wouldn’t survive this flight. He noticed Zach watching them and went over.
“So how was your vacation in ‘Meh-hee-coh’ with Jan?” Josh sighed.
“Mexico is freaking beautiful. I don’t know who complimented who more, Jan or the country!”
“Has she ever done a photo shoot there?”
“I don’t know. I think so. She’s done so many that it’s hard to keep up. She’s heading out for Europe soon. She won’t be around for like four months or something.” As if sensing something, Zach asked about their relationship. Somewhat offended by his curiosity, Josh asked him why he asked.
“Things seemed a little … strained last time she was with us.” Josh nodded.
“Yeah, I may have been getting cranky. Touring all the time does that to me. I need time for me. I need time to bang on the keyboard and the drums and let those creative juices flow. It’s really hard being on the road all the time.”
“Tell me about it, I’m in the same boat.” Zach was an accomplished pianist and had his own CDs out. He’d done his own fair share of tours. “The personal life goes all to shit.” Josh laughed.
“Yep, that it does.”
“At least you have Theo to entertain you.” What was that supposed to mean? Josh raised one eyebrow at him.
“She doesn’t entertain me, Zach, she’s an assistant.” Zach ignored Josh and stared beyond him.
“She’s gorgeous, Joshman.” Zach said eyeing her. He looked back at her and nodded.
“Yeah, that she is.”
“You suppose she’s got a boyfriend?” Josh shrugged.
“Don’t really know. I never bothered to ask. Go ask her.” Zach smiled.
“A little obvious, don’t you think?”
“Well you want to know. I can’t think of a better way to find out.”
“I’ll find out my own way.” Josh, anxious to change the subject began talking about new music. He didn’t want to think about Zach going after Teddy. He actually didn’t really care about that part of it, it was whether or not Teddy would respond to Zach favorably. He’d be out in the cold if he found out that Teddy had the hots for a bald headed man and not himself. He would have to make a move sooner or later and with Zach’s interest piqued it would have to be sooner then later.

The flight was long. Teddy had brought his Patricia Cornwell book he’d started months ago but never finished and the two of them sat side-by-side, eyes glued to their respective books. Halfway through the flight, and after they’d changed planes, Teddy leaned her seat back and said good night to Josh. Long after she was asleep he lay next to her in his seat and watched her. She had China doll skin, pale, smooth, and flawless. Oddly enough, it didn’t look like she had any make-up on and her lashes were long and black, resting highly on her cheeks. He gently smoothed her hair from her forehead. He didn’t want to wake her. She was peaceful, at rest. There were so many thing he wanted to say to her, so much he wanted to share but couldn’t. He wasn’t afraid to admit it, he was scared. He’d liked her for so long as a young man and then when she disappeared he moved on with his life. His high school years he spent keeping himself busy with plays and class, voice lessons, piano, drums. She hadn’t crossed his mind in what seemed like forever and then that fateful day when he saw her with Cassie, those old boyhood feelings rushed him like a shitload of football players on a guy with a ball. It had almost knocked the wind out of him. She was appealing as a teenager but bewitching as an adult. But she still treated him as a child. He almost hated that. He couldn’t help it though, sometimes he acted like one around her. She did that to him. She was so naturally funny, she made him – and he hated to admit this too – giggle. The best part about Teddy, he thought as he watched her sleep, was that she didn’t know how lovely she was, how graceful, how charming. But now with Jan out of the picture he was free to show her how he felt. Well, he would be if he didn’t live in fear of how she would react to some young guy coming on to her. A guy she used to babysit. A guy who used to try to see through her shirt at her teenage breasts. How could he expect her to take him seriously after all that? He didn’t know but he would make an effort to find out.

In Johannesburg Josh was anxious to be alone with Teddy. Much to his dismay Teddy was anxious to be with Zach. He chastised himself for moving too slow. He had been on his way into the hotel to find her when he saw the two on their way out the door. They were going sightseeing. Zach had been to South Africa before, Josh had not.
“Can I go?” He felt foolish having said it but before he could control his thoughts it came rushing out of his mouth. Zach had responded by treating him like an kid and explaining that this was his chance to get to know Teddy better. It was his turn, he explained. He would have her home early, dad, he’d taunted and then laughed. Embarrassed Josh had retreated to his room and pouted. Hoping to foil Zach’s good time Josh made sure he called Teddy on her cell several times. He could hear Zach getting frustrated in the background and felt a sense of pride. Sitting in his room at the Hotel Intercontinental he tried to watch a movie and ended up falling asleep for a few hours and then when he woke up he tried to play video games but was too fatigued to finish. He then distracted himself with his novel until he was called to sound check by Cassie. By the time that was over Teddy was supposed to be back. He called her again. She promised it would only be ten more minutes. Twenty minutes later he called again and this time there was no answer. He panicked thinking the worst. Zach and Teddy were in Zach’s room or hers, the ‘do not disturb’ sign on the door! He hung up the phone and paced the room. His back ached, his shoulders hurt. His head was pounding, his eyes were going in and out of focus. He needed to sleep again but he needed to see Teddy, to make sure she and Zach weren’t … He left his room and pounded on her door. He stared down at the red and gold carpet under his feet until Teddy opened the door. He pushed past her and looked around for any sign of another man. If he’d had found something, shoes, pants, anything he would have left right away. He found no one and, relieved, he lay down on her bed. Immediately he could feel himself drifting off. He tried to fight it, he wanted to talk to her, to tell her things. The next thing he remembered was being on top of her, holding down her hands, his body responding to hers. That was until she informed him that it was only 45 minutes until the show. Dammit, dammit! He seethed. After the show he tried to find her but was confronted by the local media. Cassie was there, she had his elbow in a vise grip and refused to let go until all the interviews were over, pictures had been taken and he was nearly drunk with exhaustion. He didn’t crawl into bed until 3AM.

****************************************************************************

Cape Town was even more breathtaking then Joburg. If you looked one way the ocean was strikingly colossal and blue and if you turned the other you could see stately rocky mountains. The air was warm and sweet. As soon as they’d checked into the Mount Nelson Hotel, Cassie whisked Josh off to personal appearances and T.V. station interviews and, seeing my chance to get some sun I put on my bikini, wrapped a towel around my waist, slipped into my sandals and headed for the beach which was across the street. I lay the towel down on the sand and proceeded to smear lotion all over myself. Once thoroughly protected, I slid my sunglasses up over my nose, lie down and settled in. The sun beamed down on my body, warm and comforting. Before long I could feel myself relax, every muscle being massaged by the sun’s rays. In the distance I could hear the waves beating against the shore, children screaming and laughing, people walking by, sand crunching under their feet. After a while I rolled over onto my stomach and cradled my head in my arms. Once again, I was lured into slumber by the blazing sun caressing my back and legs. How much time had passed I didn’t know but I was jerked awake by a voice, “You’d better roll over, you’ve got a bit of sun on your back.” Looking up I’d expected to see Josh but it was Zach who’d spoken. I squinted into the sun at him. “Need any help with that lotion?” He eyed the bottle next to me. I rolled over onto my back and immediately felt a pinch. I had been baking for a while I guessed.
“No, thanks.” I said groggily settling back into the sand. “Is Josh back with Cassie yet?” I muttered. Zach rubbed his hands together to free them of sand.
“Not yet. It’s only …” He glanced at his watch which was now set to South Africa time. “One fifteen.” I nodded.
“Okay.”
“Have you had lunch yet?” Zach asked. I shook my head.
“Nope, you?”
“Nope. Want to go get some?” I opened one of my eyes and peeked at him behind my dark glasses. The sun bounced off his bald head. He was very handsome, I thought to myself. He had a classic face with attractive chiseled features. Some woman was going to be proud to have him as her man. I doubted I would be that woman.
“You know I would but let me just lie here a little while longer. If I go in now then my back will be tan and the rest of me will be white.” He chuckled.
“Yeah, everyone will only know you’ve got a tan if you’re walking away from them.” He teased. I burst out in a giggle.
“You’re silly.” I said.
“No, you’re silly!” He retorted brushing a finger against my nose. I rubbed it because it tickled and then relaxed against the ground once more. I heard him lay backwards in the sand and peeked out once more. He’d put on dark glasses and folded his arms back under his neck.
“Zach, do you have lotion on your head because if you don’t then you should have a hat on.” He smiled.
“Oh, do I look like I need a babysitter now?” I sighed at his annoying comment.
“Do you think we could scrap the ‘babysitter’ thing now. It’s getting a bit old.” He rolled over onto his side towards me and leaned on his elbow. He held his head up with his hand.
“Yeah, you know I’m sorry about that.” I heard him speaking but made no facial expression to let him know I’d heard him. “Josh is a great guy, very talented. He’s nice too and I’m sorry if I said anything yesterday to upset you about him. I was so jet lagged and fucking tired that I said things I didn’t mean.” I nodded slightly. “He really looks up to you. You know, as an older woman and all.” I was temped to sit up and throw sand in his face but I let it slide. I could tell he was trying to make himself look better by insulting Josh and I wasn’t going to fall for it.
“Josh looks up to you too, Zach, as an older man and all.” I muttered. He said nothing for a moment. “Hey, why don’t we just sit here quietly for a bit and then we can go have something to eat, okay?”
“Sounds like a good idea.” We lie there together in silence for some time but just knowing he was there next to me, probably gawking at my body I couldn’t relax. I finally sat up, somewhat agitated. He sat up as well.
“I’m going to go back to the hotel and get dressed. Why don’t you meet me in the lobby in like 15 minutes?” He nodded. I stood up and shook out my towel. After I was convinced it was nearly sand-free I tied it around my waist and walked off. I could feel his eyes on me until I was out of sight. Back safely in my room I checked for messages on my phone, none on my cell nor on my room phone. A little disappointed I slipped into a pair of shorts and a tank top. I French braided my hair and secured it with a band. Zach was waiting in the lobby when I appeared. He slid his arms around me and tried to kiss me but I turned my head and he kissed my cheek.
“You are glowing!” He said.
“Now watch how tan I am as I walk out this door Mr. Provost!” I walked towards the door not waiting for him. “Isn’t that awesome?” I asked turning my head backwards. He laughed. We walked the boulevard, taking in the sights and seeing the bulk of the city until we found a restaurant called Marco’s African Place. It had an outdoor café where Zach and I sat and dined on authentic African cuisine – Zach was a little more adventuristic when it came to the food details then I – and fine local wine. There was a band playing live music. We danced, ate, and drank. At six we made it back to the Hotel. Once again I held him at bay in front of my room. He pressed me backwards against the door, his hands on the sides of my head, his mouth crushing mine. I pushed against his chest. He backed off a little.
“I, I’m going to go in and lay down for a while. I think I’ve got a touch of a headache from being in the sun and drinking that wine.” I squeezed my forehead. He sighed but smiled.
“Okay, okay. I’ll see you later then. A few of us were thinking of taking a boat trip tomorrow on the ocean, do you think you’d like to accompany me?” I looked around and thought.
“You know, it would be fun but I have to see what Cass and Josh have planned for me before I commit to anything.” He kissed me again, his mouth lingering.
“Okay.” He said when he finally broke free. “I’ll catch you later.” He made to kiss me again and I turned my head. He pecked my cheek and walked off down the hall. Safely inside my room I leaned back against the door and sighed. Zach was a great guy, fun, entertaining, intelligent, sexy … but I just didn’t get the physical response from him the way I might have expected. All Josh had to do was enter the room and I was all tingly. I stepped out of my shorts and pulled off my tank top. Stripping off my swim suit I checked myself in the mirror. Not too bad, I thought eyeing my tan lines. Just as I was heading for the bathroom I heard a knock on my door. Nervously I crouched down as if anyone could see me naked!
“Just a minute.” I hollered and put my shorts and tank on quickly. Assuming it was Zach again I opened the door and was greeted handsomely by Josh. He eyed my outfit and invited himself in. I shut the door and tucked a stray strand of hairs back behind my ear.
“Where have you been young man?” I quizzed.
“Cassie has kept me handcuffed to her all damned day.” I made a face.
“That had to have been interesting.” He made a face.
“Yeah, it was. I just met Zach in the lobby. He said you two spent the day together again.” I sighed.
“Well he exaggerates. We had a meal if that’s what you mean.” He shook his head.
“No, he said you two went to the beach together.” My mouth dropped open in surprise.
“Josh, we did not.” I protested. “I went to the beach, he found me there!” He spied my suit on the bed and picked up the top. He dangled it in front of me.
“Is this your suit?” He asked, leering. I blushed but it wasn’t as though you could tell, my whole body was pink at this point.
“Yeah.” He lay it back on the bed.
“What the hell does that cover?” I shrugged. “Doesn’t look like it covers much.” He winked at me. “Want to go swimming?”

The sun was going down and the air was a bit cooler then it had been earlier that day. I was a mass of goose bumps in my suit. Josh jumped right in and was swimming back and forth through the pool, dodging people left and right. “Come on in.” He called as I stood on the side shivering.
“I’m c-c-cold.” I said between chattering teeth. He swam over and leaned on the side.
“It’s nice in here, I think it might be heated.” He flicked water at my legs. I backed up and grabbing my towel I put it around my shoulders.
“It’s not heated you goof, it was 85 degrees out here earlier.” I chided sitting down on the edge of the enormous, blue-green pool. I dangled my legs in the water while Josh dived underneath the surface and came up on the other side. He disappeared again and surfaced right next to me.
“You’re a big chicken, you know that?” He smoothed his wet curls back from his unshaven face and eyed me.
“No, I’m a big plucked chicken right about now.” I showed him my bumpy, pink skin.
“Let’s go.” He said gripping my ankles and pulling me towards the edge.
No! No! Josh!” I shouted kicking at him. I was slipping off the side. His grip on me tightened and luckily I gulped air right before I hit the water. I surfaced and looked around for him, he was swimming away quickly. “You bastard.” I hissed and swam after him. Catching up with him I leaped onto his back, he pulled me under. I came up sputtering. I dove under the water and made a grave attempt to pull down his shorts. He held on for dear life and being as I needed to breathe I gave up. I came up out of the water to hear him laughing.
“It’s no use, woman, you can’t beat me. I’m a swimming champion.”
“Oh, yeah?” I challenged. “We’ll just see about that.” I swam after him. I chased him around the pool for a bit all the while being careful not to splash or irritate the other swimmers. I leaned against the side of the pool to catch my breath when I saw him vanish under the water once more. Moments later I felt a tugging on my suit bottom. Josh popped up out of the water inches from me and leaned his hands on the sides of the pool beside me. I was trapped. My heart leaped into my throat and I felt a tingling sensation in my thighs. We hadn’t been this close, eye to eye since the Mansion party. He stared down at me, his huge eyes intense, his face serious. I swallowed.
“I have an idea.” He said softly moving in a little closer.
“What is it?” I asked, breathless. I shivered. I couldn’t tell if it was the chilly night air against my wet, sun burned skin or the heat coming off him that caused the sensation.
“Why don’t we go upstairs, get dressed and have a drink?” I felt my breath shorten when he leaned forward and kissed my forehead. “I have some things I want to tell you.” Josh pulled himself out of the pool and helped me out. He held a towel and wrapped it around me as I emerged. We rode the elevator up to our rooms silently. I was nervous about what he had to tell me and I interpreted his silence as something awful was about to happen. He left me at my door and I went inside. Visibly shaken I shrugged out of my wet suit, dried off, and put on a pair of khaki capris, a pale pink baby doll tee shirt and sandals. I dried my hair as best I could and left the room. I met Josh in the hall. We floated downwards in the elevator, once again silent and entered the bar. It was after 9 and there were hardly any people in there. We sat down at a table and ordered drinks. He stared at me.
“What?” I asked, conscientiously.
“You look really nice.” He said and smiled. I blushed. The waiter brought our drinks and we both sipped.
“So what was it that you wanted to tell me?” I asked, hesitant. I wasn’t too sure I really wanted to know. He took another gulp of his drink.
“Well, to start with I wanted to know what’s up with you and Zach?”
“Oh, that?” I laughed. “He’s a nice guy and all but not exactly my type.” Josh nodded and turned his glass around and around on the table.
“Yeah? He seems to think more of you.” I made a face.
“He can think anything he wants. We’re just friends.” Josh didn’t look up from his drink.
“Why? Are you dating someone else?” Did Zach put him up to this?
“Why the 20 questions, Josh? If Zach told you to interrogate me then you can go back to him and tell him I sad he can ask me this shit himself.” I made to get up from the table but Josh grabbed my hand and pulled me back down.
“No, Teddy, Zach didn’t put me up to this. I want know for my own reasons.” I looked at his face, into his eyes. He looked away nervously. I felt my heart fluttering in my chest, my mouth had suddenly gone bone dry and my hands were shaky. He spied a piano over in the corner. “Come here.” He got up and pulled me over to it. He placed his hands around my waist and hoisted me up onto the top then he sat down at the keys and began to play. I watched him as his long, slender fingers stroked the keys and began to play a familiar song.
“I have been blind, unwilling.” He sang softly. “To see the true love you’re giving.” I sighed. It was one of my favorites. “I have ignored every blessing. I’m on my knees confessing … That I feel myself surrender each time I see your face. I am staggered by your beauty, your unassuming grace. And I feel my heart is turning, falling into place. I can’t hide it now hear my confession.” All eyes were on Josh as he continued. “I have been wrong about you. Thought I was strong without you. For so long nothing could move me. For so long nothing could change meeeee … now I feel myself surrender each time I see your face. I am captured by your beauty, your unassuming grace. And I feel my heart is turning, falling into place. I can’t hide it now hear my confession.” Out of the corner of my eye I saw the room was filling up with people, but my focus was on Josh and the piano humming underneath me. “You are the air that I breathe, you’re the ground beneath my feet. When did I stop believing? ‘Cuz I feel myself surrender each time I see your face, I am staggered by your beauty, your unassuming grace and I feel my heart turning, falling into place. I can’t hide it now hear my confession.” When the song ended I slid off the piano and rushed into his arms. He held me tightly and we kissed. The crowd in front of us clapped and cheered loudly. When we broke apart Josh took a bow. I couldn’t believe how many people had crowded into that tiny little piano bar within the time he had started to sing and finished the song. It wasn’t easy getting out of there. He rushed me down the hallway and into the elevator. The second the door closed he had me in his arms, backed up against the wall, his mouth on mine, kissing, sucking.
“Oh Teddy, Oh God …” He moaned and held me close. “I can’t tell you how long I’ve waited to hold you.” I pulled his face to mine and nipped at his mouth.
“I want you.” I breathed. He pressed himself against me.
“I want you more.” I reached down and felt his hardness. It was fairly evident that he did.
We were barely inside the hotel room when he was pulling at my clothes. As I unbuttoned and unzipped my capris Josh tore off his shirt and kicked off his pants. He gasped when he finally pulled my tanned, warm, bare body to his. He walked me backwards onto the bed and crawled on top of me. He knelt over me and eyed at me with intent. I slid my arms around his neck and made to pull him down. He held fast.
“Teddy.” He began, his bottom lip wavering a little. “I just want you to know something.” I stared at that cherry red, thick bottom lip and yearned to suck on it.
“What?” I breathed.
“That this isn’t just sex to me.” I looked up into his eyes and knew in that instant he was telling the truth. There was something there, something warm and loving. “This is us. This is me and you. And Teddy, I love you.” I pulled him downward. His body melded with mine, our mouths entangled, his hardness pressing into my belly.
“I love you, Josh.” I panted in between kisses. When he could stand it no longer he pushed my knees apart with his and positioned himself over me.
“I have been waiting for this.” He murmured and slid inside me slowly. I inhaled deeply with every stroke. My body ached for more of him, I wrapped my legs around his waist pulling him deeper. His body heaved with every thrust, his eyes focused on mine, holding them there. I watched the ecstasy on his face as he drew more and more excited. Suddenly I felt a rush that started in my thighs and worked its way up into my belly. Josh groaned loudly and gushed deeply inside. “Oh God …” he panted and then collapsed on top of me heavily.
We lay together, naked, bodies entwined under the protection of the covers on the bed. Sleep would not come for either of us. Josh leaned backwards and glanced at the clock.
“Two-thirty.” He said. I giggled. He leaned down and kissed me again. “Well who needs sleep now that I have you?” I kissed his scruffy chin.
“I concur.”
“You concur?” He teased. We lay in silence once more.
“So how long have you felt like this, little Josh?” He sighed and pulled me closer to his furry chest. I stroked it lightly.
“A long time.” I was surprised.
“Really?” I asked. “How long?” He thought a moment.
“Since I was 14.” I smiled and snuggled into him. Some time passed and I felt myself drifting off to Josh stroking my arm lightly. Josh’s fingers traced their way from my arm to my breast where he made circles around my erect nipple. The tingling sensation it gave me roused me. He dipped his head and holding my breast with one hand, traced circles around it with his tongue.
“Mmmmmm …” I moaned softly. I felt a familiar stirring in my thighs. He sucked my nipple into his mouth and nipped at it gently with his teeth. When he’d had enough of that one he moved on to the other. We made love again and shortly before dawn the two of us, exhausted, floated into deep slumber.

The phone was ringing again. I barely heard it through the fog of sleep in was in. I leaned over the side of the bed and felt around on the table, damned if it wasn’t there. Josh felt me moving around and pulled me closer to him holding my arms down.
“Josh, the phone.” I mumbled. His eyes flickered and then opened.
“Ignore it.” He said. I sighed and settled back into the matted fur on his chest, sleep pulling me in. I don’t know how long after that I heard it again. I struggled to get my arms free.
“Josh.” I whispered not wanting to wake him. He didn’t move. I crawled over him and picked up the phone. “Hello.” I croaked.
“Theo?” Cassie.
“Mmmhmm.” I said.
“Oh, I thought I’d dialed Josh’s room.” Josh rolled over onto his back and I lay on top of him.
“You did.” I muttered. He started to snore again.
“Where is Josh? It’s after 11.” I glanced up at the clock on the nightstand.
“He’s right here. Hang on.” I set the phone down and nudged him. “Josh.” He smiled. “It’s Cassie.” He slid his hands up my arms and pulled my head down to his face where he kissed me. “She wants to talk to you.” He sighed and held out his hand. I planted the phone in it. When he tried to say hello it came out as a squawk. He pulled the phone away, coughed and cleared his throat.
“Hello.” He rubbed his head. I went to get up out of bed and he grabbed my hand. “Teddy and I were up late. I don’t think I can make it this afternoon, Cass, I’m dead tired.” I had to go to the bathroom so I pulled. He tugged back.
“Grrrrr …” I said. I indicated towards the bathroom and mouthed, ‘I have to go!’ He finally released me. As I trotted off I heard him arguing with Cassie. “Can’t you make some excuse? I’ve been extremely tired since I got here.” Then he sighed heavily. “All right, whatever. Fine. No, 15 minutes. Fifteen.” Then he hung up. I bounded out of the bathroom and jumped on the bed.
“What time do we have to be there?” I started to tickle him. He laughed, grabbed at my hands and pulled me down underneath him.
“You know what’s weird?” He asked first kissing my eyes then my nose and then lightly on my lips. “She didn’t even ask why you were in my room.” We both laughed. “It was meant to be.” He said. “Now, the answer to your question about what time we have to be there …” He took my hand and slid it down his belly to the hardness that was between his legs. I wrapped my fingers around it and stroked it. “Mmmmmm” He moaned, his mouth on mine. “We have to be there right after this.” He whispered as we made love for the fourth time since the night before.

He felt complete. He was whole again. He hadn’t felt this way for a long time, a year … maybe more. Josh’s heart thudded in his chest as, clutching Teddy’s hand tightly in his, they entered the Cape Town television studio. He had the interview to do and then by his own insistence, would be spending a few hours alone with Teddy. The production went well. He was jovial as he answered the questions the female interviewer fired at him and he could see Teddy out of the corner of his eye. She looked as she always had anytime she was with him, calm, cool, collected. He loved that about her, she was always in control, even when he was not. Strangely enough that was the interviewer’s next question, was he always in control.
“No.” He admitted with a laugh. “Absolutely not. First off, I live my life precariously through my manager. Secondly, there are times when I want to yell and throw things.” He smiled.
“So would you say you have become a spoiled superstar?” He glanced quickly at Teddy who nodded. He laughed.
“Not yet but I think I could become one easily.”
“Have you bought yourself all kinds of expensive things then? Such as houses and cars?” He quickly shook his head no.
“That’s not what I meant by ‘spoiled.’ I was talking about the people I surround myself with, my family, my girlfriend, my fans. My fans most of all spoil me. They are the best! I challenge you to find another artist out there with fans like mine, caring, generous, respectful.” The interview wrapped not long after that and Josh and Teddy emerged from the building out into the bright South African summer sun, ready for some fun! First thing, they changed and headed for the beach. Josh headed straight into the water and when Teddy was hesitant chased after her. He finally caught her, picked her up and carried her in.
“Ready?” He asked when they were far enough out that he could dump her into the ocean. She tightened her grip around his neck.
“No!” She squealed. He made to toss her in but the hold she had on him pulled him in on top of her. They both emerged from the water laughing.
“You ass!” He teased pushing water at her. She splashed back and at one point during the water fight she dove under the water and yanked his trunks down around his ankles. He quickly glanced around him for watchful eyes and then pulled them back up. Teddy laughed and tried to swim away. He caught her and held her tightly in his arms. The sun was beaming brightly down on them, the wind, warm and soothing. Josh stared down at Teddy. Her bright blue eyes caught his and held them there. He stroked her back.
“So who’s the girlfriend you spoke of in your interview today?” She asked timidly. He shrugged.
“Oh I don’t know, I made that up. I guess I should find one!” He looked around obviously. Teddy’s hands roamed from his back to the waist of his trunks again threateningly. In defense he poised his fingers on the snap of her bathing suit top. She gasped.
“You wouldn’t!” She whispered. He leered at her.
“Oh wouldn’t I?” She leaned up for a kiss. He bent his head and met her lips with his. They were warm, sun kissed. They stood there in the water, arms entwined, mouths engaged as the water lapped around them. Not one single thing could have been more perfect at that moment for Josh Groban. He couldn’t wait to tell his mother.

“Josh, I am so happy for you. Both of you!” Lindy exclaimed. “Jack! Your son is on the phone!”
“Which one?” He heard his dad holler from a distance. Josh sighed.
“I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that for once you listened to me. You never listened to me the whole time you were growing up. You knew it all …” She went on and on. Josh glanced over to Teddy sitting in the chair next to the table, her feet propped up on it, glasses on, reading through his appointment book. He couldn’t believe he’d listened to her either. He wasn’t going to make a move until he had confirmation that Teddy was interested him the way he was interested in her but then Zach threw a wrench into the works. He couldn’t let big, handsome, ladies’ man Zach steal the girl he loved right out from under his nose while he sat helplessly by and watched. His mom talked and talked as he gazed at Teddy. She thoughtlessly tucked her hair behind her ear and stuck the end of the pen in her mouth. In many ways he had Zach to thank for all this happiness. He snapped back to reality.
“And what do you mean I never listened to you growing up?” He said, interrupting her banter. “That’s all I ever did was listen to you!”
“What’s that supposed to mean young man?” Josh laughed at her tone. He’d heard it many times and this time was not threatened by it. His dad took the phone from his mom.
“Hey, son. Have you gotten over the jet lag yet?” Josh sighed.
“Not really. I still can’t decide if it’s time to be awake or time to sleep.”
“So your mom tells me about you and Theo. Good for you.” Josh smiled at Teddy. She stuck her tongue out at him. He would suck on that tongue later, he decided and blew her a kiss.
“Yeah, thanks, Dad.”
“Is she as sweet as you thought she would be?” Josh felt his blood pressure rise as he stared at her again. His mind went back to the beach, holding her under the sun in the water. His body stirred at the memory.
“And then some.”

After Cape Town, we headed out to the Netherlands, Sweden, Norway and then we ended this leg of the tour before the holidays in England. Although South Africa will always be near and dear to my heart, England was by far the best country we visited. Not only was it the last place Josh performed before we were able to go home and spend real time together but it was a friendly place and the history there was beyond compare. Josh and I called our families and told them we had decided to stay over Christmas. While the crew and the rest of the band members were boarding a plane back to the states, Josh and I were holding hands, strolling through the British Museum. We barely spoke as we gawked at the exhibits. We had both been to museums before, in school, after school but neither of us had seen history like this!
“The Rosetta Stone!” Josh gasped. We stood in front of it in complete awe for quite some time, amazed. Later, after lunch Josh dragged me to the Te Aura Puoro exhibition put on by a famous Musicologist. It was interesting but it was obvious to me that Josh enjoyed it much more then I. Later, we had supper at the pub in the hotel and after a few pints of real British ale, retired to our room a little sleepy. We undressed and snuggled under the warm covers as the winter wind blew harshly at the hotel windows. Josh scooped me into his arms and I felt his warmth settle down up on me.
“So I have a question for you.” Josh spoke after we’d lay there a while in silence.
“Hmm?” I asked sleepily.
“When we went to that party together and then things got a little heated at the door of your mom’s house …” I smiled to myself. “It was fairly obvious that I wanted you and you wanted me.” I nodded. “So why did you stop me?” I took a deep breath before answering.
“I didn’t really know how you felt about me. I only knew that you were with Jan and it appeared to me that you loved her. I didn’t want you to do something you didn’t want to do.” He tilted my face up to his with his finger under my chin.
“I wanted you something awful.” He kissed me, his lips warm and inviting. “I was so hard for you.” He kissed down my neck and bit it. I gasped.
“I know you were, I felt it.” He sucked my neck and I felt tingles spread throughout my entire being. He pressed his hips forward and rubbed himself on my pelvis. “OooOOoo I feel it now.” I mumbled.
“I wanted to push you inside the door and onto the floor and then I wanted to do this …” He kissed down my neck to the indentation between my neck and my shoulder. His tongue flicked lightly against my skin sending shockwaves from my neck to my feet and back again. He licked his way down past my breasts onto my belly. His tongue made circles around my belly button and then downwards. His hands ran down from my hips to my thighs and pressed gently into my flesh. My body was a mass of goosebumps where his tongue left me a little damp. He spread my legs apart and kissed the insides of my thighs. I closed my eyes, pressed myself back against the pillows and tried to concentrate on breathing as he ran his fingers up between my legs. “Oh baby, you want me too, don’t you?” He breathed as he slid his finger inside me and felt my excitement.
“God, yes!” I sighed. He spread me open and licked at me. “Oh Josh!” He teased me a while before he plunged his tongue deep inside me. I gasped loudly and clutched the sheets in my fists. As he brought me to the peak of ecstasy, I slid my fingers into his hair and pulled him closer. “Oh baby, please, I need you inside me!” He crawled up on top of me but I pushed him over. “I’m going to be in control.” I said climbing on top of him and settling myself down. He arched his back and groaned. I leaned forward and held onto the rails of the headboard and moved myself on him. I loved his position! I could get him into the right place where I could satisfy not only him but myself. I heard his breath coming quicker, his groans as he wrapped his hands around my waist and pushed me down forcefully on himself. His body jerked upwards with the force of his orgasm. I felt a warmth spread throughout my pelvis as he sighed in relief. I lay down on top of him and then he flipped me over so he could hold me. We slept peacefully.

The day before Christmas Day Josh and I got up late, had an “English Breakfast” in the hotel restaurant that consisted of bangers and cold toast, eggs and strong tea and then, after having another event in our messy bed and a shower, we bundled up against the cool, winter London air and did some sightseeing. Well, we saw what was open which wasn’t too much. We moseyed in and out of the stores at our leisure as last-minute shoppers bustled past us wildly. After a delicious dinner of baked potato topped with chili and several pints of ale Josh and I played a game of trivia in what was fast becoming our favorite pub. We didn’t win but we came in a close second! I was very surprised at how friendly and fun British people were after hearing how snobbish they were. We didn’t leave right away after the game, we sat around and chatted with some locals. Close to ten we finally trudged back to the hotel quickly as the icy wind licked at our backs and blew our hair into our face. Once inside we shrugged out of our outside gear and snuggled up on the floor in front of the fireplace. We pulled the blanket off the bed and tossed the pillows down where we flopped. Josh slid his arm around my neck and pulled me close. We lay quietly as the fire roared hotly in front of us. It wasn’t long before we were both sound asleep.

Christmas morning Josh woke early, stiff and achy from laying on the floor all night. Teddy was sleeping heavily facing away from him. Her shapely form enticing him, he leaned over and kissed her bare neck lightly. It took him a while to get up, his back was screaming and his legs were throbbing. He closed the bathroom door quietly and dressed. He brushed his teeth and washed his face before sneaking out of the room and heading down to the front desk. The gentleman at the front desk smiled as he approached.
“Good morning, Mr. Groban and a Happy Christmas to you and your wife.” The words hit Josh right in the belly. He beamed back at the man.
“Well thank you very much. And why aren’t you home with your family?” The man smiled gently.
“I chose to work this morning, sir. I don’t have family as close as the others so I volunteered.”
“Mightly admirable of you. I wish you a Merry Christmas as well.” The man turned and retrieved something from a small vault near the floor. He set the finely wrapped box down on the counter in front of Josh.
“I assume you are here for this.” He said and winked. Josh pulled the box to himself.
“Yes, I am. And I would like to have breakfast delivered to the room in,” He glanced down at his watch. He shook his head, it wouldn’t do him any good at this point, it was still set to California time. “How about an hour?” The man behind the counter laughed.
“Yes sir. May I suggest champagne and orange juice?” Josh nodded.
“Excellent! How about fresh fruit? What are the chances of that?”
“I’ll see what I can do sir.” Josh turned and headed towards the elevator.
“Thank you!” He called.
He let himself into the room as secretively as he could without waking Teddy. She lay still on the floor. The fire had long gone out so he re-lit it before curling up next to her. He ran his fingers lightly through her hair and pressed his lips to her neck.
“Mmmmm …” She muttered coming too slowly. She rolled over onto her back, her eyes fluttered open. “Hey handsome.” She groaned yawning and stretching. “Ooooo that fire feels good. Has it been burning all night?” She rubbed her eyes and squinted at it. Josh smiled.
“You’re a nut. No it hasn’t, I just lit it.” She stuck her tongue out at him.
“I didn’t think so but I couldn’t figure it out.” He nodded.
“Mmmhmmm. Well, it’s Christmas Day.” Realization dawned on her and she opened her eyes wide.
“Yeah! Oh wow, we’d better call home soon.” He laced his fingers into hers, tickling her fingertips with his.
“There’s time. It’s still early.” Theo pulled him closer to herself.
“Not in California it isn’t. Who’s a nut now.” He swore. He’d never get that difference in the time!
“We’ll call after breakfast. And,” He slid his free hand up her pajama top and cupped her breast. He rubbed his thumb over her erect nipple. “We’ll have breakfast after I give you my present.” She smiled at him.
“Ooooo what’d ya get me?” He leered at her and eyed downwards.
“It’s right there, in my front pocket.” Theo slid her hands down his chest and felt his ‘present’ that had grown from something small into something that extended all the way to his front pocket.
“Hey, you’re dressed! Where were you?” He nuzzled her neck.
“I went downstairs to order some breakfast.”
“And you’re not wearing any underwear.” She reached into his pocket and felt him through the thin fabric that lined his it. He shrugged.
“Just for you babe, just for you.”
While Theo showered, Josh changed back into his pajamas and answered the door when the breakfast arrived. Before the deliverer could leave, Josh generously pressed a 50 pound note into his hand and wished him a happy holiday. He set up their place settings on the table and before long Theo emerged from the bathroom in an oversized, fluffy, royal blue bathrobe.
“Woah, look at this!” She exclaimed rushing over and plucking a plump, red strawberry from a bowl of fruit. She shoved it into her mouth. “Oh, that’s good!” Josh laughed.
“Go put your jimmies back on and we’ll eat.” He pushed her towards the bed where she dressed and then joined him at the table. He handed her a flute filled with mimosa and held his up to her. “I just want to say that these last few days have been the best ever for me.” Her eyes twinkled as he spoke. “If I have to spend this holiday away from my family I am honored to spend it with you.” She smiled at him.
“I agree.” They clinked glasses and sipped their drink. He stood up and leaned over for a kiss.
“I love you.” He said as their lips met.
“And I love you!” She pressed her mouth on his. They ate and when their bellies were full, retreated to the bed where they lay together. “Does it seem like we’ve spent more time in this bed the last few days then normal?” He laughed.
“Yeah, I would say so. You complaining?” She shook her head quickly.
“Nope. Why don’t you call your mom first and then I’ll call mine.” She reached for the phone. He grabbed her hand.
“Hang on quick draw!” He teased and opened the drawer next to the bed where he pulled out the box he’d gotten from the front desk. “I really do have a present for you.” Her mouth opened wide in protest as he handed it to her.
“Why did you do that? I didn’t get you anything, I, I had no idea!” Her cheeks flushed pink. He pressed his finger against her lips to hush her.
“Teddy, I know. I had to. You have enriched my life since you came back into it and I had to let you know how much I appreciate that.” He nodded towards the box. “Open it.” She tore gently at the paper and inside was a black velvet box. She cracked it open and gasped. Inside was a heart shaped diamond necklace that caught the light and beamed colorful prisms onto her face.
“Oh my God, Josh!” She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. “Oh it’s beautiful!” She just stared at it, twinkling there in the box.
“Put it on.” Josh said quietly. She slid it around her neck and fixed the clasp. She turned this way and that, modeling it for him. He sighed. “I can’t tell if your beauty accentuates the stone or the stone accentuates your beauty.” Theo blushed and held her hand over the necklace. She slid her arms around his neck and kissed him. His hands moved from her back up to her shoulders and into her soft, slightly damp hair where he pulled her mouth closer to him. His tongue playfully teased hers. He sat back from her and stared into her bright, blue eyes. “Lei è cosí bello. “ (You are so beautiful.) He whispered and kissed her again, this time with more intent. Moving from her lips to her cheek, he finally settled into her neck. “L’amo.” (I love you.) He nipped gently at her, his hands holding her head lightly. “Voglio sposarla.” (I want to marry you.) Theo giggled.
“What the hell are you saying?” She asked, puzzled. He trailed his hand down from her head to her shoulder, down her arm to her waist, his fingers barely touching her causing her skin to react in a series of goose bumps.
“Ho bisogno di fare l’amore a lei.” (I need to make love to you.) Theo sighed. She had no idea what he was saying but it was romantic nonetheless. She lay back onto the soft pillows as Josh caressed her skin until she felt her whole being catch fire.
“Josh …” She moaned. He kneeled over her, one leg on either side of her, his erection standing out at an angle from his prostrate body.
“Guardare che ho per lei.” (Look what I have for you.) He said, indicating the length of it. She wasn’t sure what he’d just said but it was apparent he wanted her to touch him. She reached out her hands and wrapped her fingers around him. He gasped. The chill of her fingers where a bold contrast to the heat of his skin. After stroking him a few times, she pushed him away so she could get into a better position. Once she had him on his back, she moved on top of him and holding his stiff male part she settled her mouth down around it. He gasped loudly. “Oh Dio, il bambino!” (Oh God, baby!) She let her tongue slide up and down and then around the head of it. He wiggled around on the bed. She held him tightly, her mouth working him over until he could stand it no more.
“Baby, Teddy, please …” He begged. Theo mounted him then slid herself down onto him at once. She rode him hard and when they were done they slept a few more hours. Later that afternoon they both called their families and packed for the next day’s trip back to the States.

We were greeted at the airport by not only my mom and Josh’s mom but a throng of fans who were super charged and screaming. I, on the other hand was not excited. I had a horrible headache and my body was aching with fatigue. I just wanted desperately to curl up into my bed and go to sleep. Josh had been sleeping right before we landed, his eyes were dark and sunken yet when he de-planed he put on a happy face and greeted his fans with a smile. I crawled into the waiting limousine and waited patiently as the driver loaded our luggage into the trunk. I heard the girls calling his name and giggling when he paid attention to them. I wished he’d just get into the car so we could leave. My mom and Lindy got into the limo. My mom patted my hand.
“You look so tired dear.” I nodded, eyes closed. Lindy watched out the window at her son with the crowd which was growing by the minute.
“Look at him. So patient.” I heard her say. “It’s good to see you two again Theo.” I nodded.
“Good to be home, LIndy.” I muttered. “Now if Josh would hurry we could go home and go to sleep.” Mom patted my hand again.
“Soon enough, dear, soon enough.” I think I fell asleep because I was jostled awake by Josh sliding onto the seat next to me. He sighed heavily. I sat up and yawned.
“’Bout time you finished.” I said. He leaned his head onto my shoulder.
“I know, I’m so tired.” I put my arm around his shoulder, pulled him close and played lightly with his hair. “Mmmmm …” He said. The car pulled away and we were on our way home.
We pulled into my drive. Josh got out and held the door open for me. The driver jumped out of the car and retrieved my bags from the trunk. Josh walked me to the door.
“Nice house.” He said, eyeing the outside. I put my arms around his neck and leaned my head down onto his chest. He hugged me and kissed the top of my head. “Go on inside and go to sleep. I’m going to go home and sleep myself. I’ll call you when I get up or you call me when you get up.” I turned and slid my key into the lock, it turned easily. I was greeted by a blast of cool air as I stepped inside and pulled Josh in with me. “Wow, it’s nice inside.” He said. I tilted my head upwards for a kiss. He leaned down onto my mouth. Once he broke away I shoved him towards the door.
“Okay sexy man, now go and get some rest.” He laughed and once he was gone and my luggage was safely inside I closed the door. I pulled the curtains aside and watched as he clambered back into the limo. Once the door was shut the car backed out of the drive and disappeared around the corner. I dragged myself into my bedroom, stripped quickly and slid in between my cool sheets. Ahhhhhhhh … my own bed, my own pillow, I pulled the blanket up over my head and numbed from travel, went to sleep immediately.
I dreamt of flying, I dreamt of my father, I dreamt of Josh. He was snuggled up next to me, fingers lightly stroking my cheek. I felt his lips on my ear, he slid his tongue inside it. Suddenly I jumped up in my bed and stuck my finger in my ear, it was wet! Josh laughed. I clutched my chest and smacked him hard.
“What the hell are you doing? Trying to scare me to death??” He rubbed his arm where I’d hit him.
“Hey that hurt!” He whined but still grinned like a fool at me. I clicked my tongue and rubbed my eyes.
“How’d you get in here anyway?” He pulled me back down on the bed and put his feet up.
“Stupidly you left the front door unlocked.” I scratched my head.
“I did.” He tilted my chin upwards and kissed my lips lightly.
“Yes, you did! Don’t ever do that again!” He chastised, shaking a finger at me. I grabbed his finger and slid it inside my mouth. “Oh God, don’t do that!” He moaned as I sucked on it. “I’m too tired to make passionate love to you again tonight.” I laughed.
“Even if I do this?” I slid my hand down his chest to the waistband of his jeans and sneaked them inside. He was hard already.
“Yes!” He pulled my hand out and held it tightly. I climbed up on top of him.
“How about if I do all the work?” He smiled.
“Well …” I leaned forward and sucked at his mouth while my fingers unfastened his jeans. “Okay.” He panted and then allowed me my pleasure.
Josh and I had a late dinner and then he took me to his condo where we slept again. It took us a few days to get over the jet lag. Until then we stuck together and crashed wherever we were whenever we felt like it. New Year’s Eve Josh took me to a party he had been invited to. Just before midnight he slipped my shawl around my shoulders and dragged me outside and down to the beach. He took off his suit coat and lay it down on the sand where we sat together. The night air carried a slight chill but the moon was a bright white sliver in the black midnight sky. The stars twinkled. Josh slid his arm around me and pulled me close as the water lapped at the shore in front of us and the winter breeze pushed at our backs. He checked his watch, it was a few minutes until midnight. The crowd behind us inside was gearing up for the big moment.
“Teddy, I just want to say that you’ve really enriched my life.” I looked up at him, the moonlight lighting his curls and giving him an angelic appearance. I went to speak and he hushed me. “It’s coming up on a year that you’ve been back in my life and though it’s been a roller coaster of emotions, at least for me, but now …” He looked upwards, his eyes wet. He blinked a few times trying to control any wayward tears. He cleared his throat. “But now I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and I don’t want anything to change that.” He leaned closer to me. “I love you.” We pressed our lips together for a kiss that rang in the New Year. There were cheers and whoops in the back behind us and fireworks going off in front of us. We welcomed the year 2005 in a most romantic way, kissing in the moonlight on a California beach. It was going to be a good year!
I awoke out of a sound sleep, nauseated. My head was throbbing. I crept out of bed so I didn’t wake Josh and locked myself in the bathroom. I sat down on the floor next to the toilet. I closed the lid and lay my head on top of it. I was so tired and my stomach was churning. I felt the nausea rise to my throat and poised myself over the bowl, ready. It was no good, nothing came up. I sat down again and put my head down. I felt like crying. I had been feeling awful since earlier that evening. Josh and I were at his parent’s house. We had dinner out by the pool and as soon as the temperature dropped I started to shiver and feel nauseous. Not long after that Josh brought me back home and put me to bed. He couldn’t bear to leave me sick, shivering, and so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open. So now here I sit, head on the toilet, eyes slowly closing, tummy rolling. This was my second trip to the bathroom with no results. I woke up a short time later with a pain in my neck from sleeping with it sideways. I crawled back under the covers and went back to sleep. Josh was up and in the shower when I jerked awake and bolted into the bathroom. I retched a few times into the toilet but nothing would come up. I felt dizzy and sat down on the toilet. Josh’s head peeked out from behind the curtain timidly.
“Everything okay?” He asked quietly. I shook my head.
“I feel awful.” He smiled weakly.
“I’m sorry honey. I wish there was something I could do.” He went back to his showering activity.
“There is, stay home and take care of me.” I muttered.
“I would but I have to go to the studio for a while. David’s going to be there and he wants to talk about some future recordings.” The shower stopped and he pulled back the curtain. I watched him sideways, my head on the sink. He stood there a moment in all his freshly showered nakedness, his tall, lean body dripping, his usually fluffy curls hanging limp and wet down onto his shoulders, big brown eyes softening when he saw me. He was so hot and even as sick as I was I wanted him. He grabbed the towel from the bar and began to dry himself off. I came up behind him and grabbed the towel. I wiped at a spot on his tanned back he had missed. He turned his head and smiled. He went to kiss me and I turned my head giving him my cheek. He frowned.
“I don’t want you to get sick.” I said padding back into the bedroom and crawling back into bed. Josh dressed and then tucked me in before he left. I slept on and off until the doorbell rang. I dragged myself out of bed and answered the door. My mother pressed her hand against my forehead.
“You are cool.” She said. I sighed.
“How did you know I wasn’t feeling good, mom?” I trudged to the kitchen. I hadn’t eaten since the night before and I was actually a little hungry. She followed me.
“Josh called me and told me. He said he was going to be gone longer then he’d anticipated and wanted me to check on you.” I pulled a Sprite out of the fridge, cracked it open and sipped. It was cool and bubbly going down. I waited a moment to see how my belly would react and it seemed okay so I drank some more. “What kind of symptoms are you having?” Mom asked. I scrounged the fridge for something to eat and described my symptoms for her. She frowned and said, “hmmmm” a few times. I put some leftover steak and mashed potatoes in the microwave. They were Josh’s leftovers but I was sure he wouldn’t mind if I ate it. I sat down at the table and ate the food. After a successful first bite, I finished it off in minutes. My mom smiled at me.
“How do you feel now?” She asked. I belched loudly.
“I feel okay. Still a little queasy but my headache’s gone.” She nodded knowingly. “What?” I asked, suspicious of the look on her face.
“When was the last time you had your period?” I frowned at her.
“Oh so just because I have the flu or something now I’m pregnant?” I snapped. She shrugged.
“You never know.” I drank the rest of my Sprite and belched again.
“I’m not pregnant mom, I’m just sick.”
I paced the floor in front of the sink wringing my hands in worry. I glanced down at the plastic stick waiting to see if the strip in the middle would turn blue or pink. “Come on pink, come on pink.” I whispered. Something started to appear. I grabbed it and held it out in front of me. I shook it a few times hoping it would hurry the results. “Pink, pink!” It became visible and my jaw dropped. “Blue!” I looked at it again. “Oh dear God, it’s blue.” I leaned one hand down on the counter and tapped the pregnancy test strip against my leg. “Shit, shit. What am I going to do?” I dropped the test into the garbage. What was I going to tell Josh? I felt tears sting my eyes under the lids. We were just about to leave to go back out on tour and I was tired, nauseated, and pregnant! How would he react? We’d only been officially dating two months and now I had to tell him he was going to be a father. The tears streamed down my face. I lay face down on my bed and sobbed into my pillow. I felt drained. I got up, washed my face and went out to the kitchen. Looking at my watch I grimaced. Josh would be home any minute. When I saw him coming down the block I jumped onto the couch and turned the TV on quickly. When he came in I had my eyes glued to the screen.
“Hi babes.” He strolled over and kissed the top of my head. He headed straight for the bedroom. “Ready to go to the barbecue?” He called. I sat up straight. Oh dear Lord, I forgot that I threw the pregnancy test in the bathroom garbage. I rushed quickly into the bathroom just as he was heading in there. “What the hell are you doing?” He asked as I bumped him out of the way and ran in before him.
“I gotta go.” I said as I slammed the door shut. I heard him sigh on the other side of the door. I retrieved the stick out of the trash and slipped it into my pocket. I then waited another minute and flushed then I washed my hands and opened the door. He was still standing there, one arm leaning against the doorjamb, he eyed me suspiciously.
“Punk.” He muttered as he passed me. I changed from sweats into a pair of jeans and swore like a truck driver when I couldn’t button them. Josh poked his head in the door when he heard me. “What’s going on in here?” I looked up at him.
“Nothing honey, I’m just frustrated. My jeans shrunk in the dryer.” He smiled. I shook my fist at him. “Get outta here, I’ll be ready in a minute.” He laughed and left the room. I gave up trying to button them and left them undone. Towards 10PM I was falling asleep standing up. I excused myself from Josh’s side, found a lounge chair, curled up on it and fell asleep.
I heard Josh whisper my name and opened my eyes. He smiled.
“Hey, cutie, what gives?” I sat up quickly and then suddenly felt dizzy.
“I’m just tired, honey. Take me home.” Josh helped me up, we said our goodbyes. I was sleeping practically before we hit the mattress. I rolled over and hugged my pillow. Josh snuggled up behind me, kissing my neck lightly. I tried to ignore him but he was very persistent. “Do we have to?” I whined. He rolled me over and positioned himself over me.
“Yes, we do.” He said. It wasn’t as though I didn’t want to, I was too tired. How could I express that to him without him being suspicious? I couldn’t. I would have to fake having energy for a while. We made love and then I passed out again.
The next few weeks we packed and made preparations for the tour again. Our first stop was New York. I was excited and not excited all at the same time. I couldn’t wait to see New York but I wasn’t looking forward to the cold weather. I was so tired that I was fairly grumpy. Josh was confused and at one time approached me about it. I used the PMS excuse. He said he understood. I tried harder after that and it wasn’t easy. I discovered that I could cry at the drop of a hat, I was hungry all the time, and extremely exhausted.

Josh lay alone in his bed, his arms folded behind his head. He heard hushed voices in the front of the bus. Most everyone was up and drinking their morning coffee. He was enjoying some private time something he didn’t always have and not often wanted but today he felt he needed it. His thoughts drifted to Teddy. She was probably out at the table sipping her morning decaf. She had been acting oddly lately and quite frankly it was bothering him. For a year now he’d been hoping to get together with her and now that they had he couldn’t be happier except for the strange way Teddy had changed. She used the “pre-menstrual syndrome” excuse but he’d been around women long enough to know that PMS didn’t last a month. More then once he’d come home from the studio to find her sitting on the couch sobbing hysterically. She blamed it on a movie she had been watching. He was suspicious. She was always so even tempered, it was one of her most beautiful qualities and now … she would holler at the smallest things, toothpaste on the sink, the toilet seat up, clean clothes stuffed into his drawers without being folded … He closed his eyes. He started to question himself. What if she felt he was too immature? What if she had another man, an older one that she was interested in? Quite frequently she got angry when they were out and fans would interrupt their time for autographs and photos, maybe she couldn’t handle the pressure of public life. He sighed. Anyone that was with him would have to accept the public Josh, the fans, the publicity, the personal appearances. He felt a pain in his chest when he questioned whether or not Teddy was the woman for him. He knew she was, perhaps she didn’t think the same. He wished she would come back to bed, he ached to put his arms around her and hold her tight. There hadn’t been much of that lately either. These days once she crawled into bed she was out. He would have loved to cry but that wasn’t going to solve the problem. He had to think of something that would liven up their relationship without substantial damage to his career. Teddy was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, he prayed she felt the same. He wanted to ask her to marry him but if he did that now she might surely say no. He couldn’t live with that. He decided that he would call his mom for advice. He reached for the phone when he heard the small door to the bedroom opened and Teddy stuck her head in.
“Oh you’re awake.” She said and then came in. She set a cup of coffee down next to him on the bedside table and then crawled into bed next to him. She grabbed the remote and clicked on the TV. He sipped the hot liquid and leaned back on the pillow.
“How are you feeling today, Teddy?” He asked covering his eyes with his arm. She lifted his arm and he looked at her.
“I’m okay hon, how are you?” He closed his eyes.
“All right. I’m just tired.” She smiled at him.
“Why don’t you take a little nap? I’ll turn off the TV.” She clicked off the set and turned to him.
“How about you cuddle with me a little while.” He pulled her close. She curled up into him draping one of her legs over his thighs.
“If it would make you happy.” He buried his nose in her hair. It was floral scented. He breathed deeply.
“It does make me happy.” He was silent a moment. “Are you happy?” He whispered, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer. She responded by cuddling closer to him. He sighed.
“I’m very happy. I love you, Josh.” He kissed her forehead.
“I’m so glad. I was afraid you were angry with me.” She pulled away and looked at him.
“What would I have to be angry with you about?” He shrugged.
“You just seem … angry.” She touched his face lightly, her fingers trailing to his forehead and then into his soft curls.
“I’m not angry. I love you.” He kissed her mouth and felt a slight, if temporary sense of relief.

Things slowly got worse. My body was filling out and I knew that if Josh
saw it he would know something was wrong. I hid myself from him as much as
I could humanly possible being as we were stuck in a bus together and I was
forever having to cart him places. It was like the old days, he sat in the
car next to me staring out the window and me driving, staring straight
ahead. At night, instead of wearing next to nothing to bed I put on an
oversized tour tee-shirt and a pair of sweats. I could see the stress I’d
caused in Josh’s face and hated myself for it. I found myself crying nearly
every day. Then, in early March when we found ourselves traveling through
the good old Midwest, I decided that it was time to tell him. Problem was,
we traveled in the bus to all the venues being as they were fairly close
together. I wanted some privacy when I told him that he was going to be a
father and I suddenly found myself with nowhere to go. After he’d done a
Louisville, Kentucky show he had two days before the next one in Indiana. I
asked him if we could take a flight to Fort Wayne and get a hotel room. He
reluctantly agreed and booked a room at the Marriott.
I dropped my duffel bag on the bed and ran to the bathroom. I had to pee,
again. Why was it that the minute you get pregnant you have to pee
constantly? I could understand as the baby got bigger and rested on your
bladder why but there was barely a baby there! As I washed my hands I could
hear Josh on the phone. I turned off the water and slowly dried them,
listening. He was talking to his dad.
“Yeah, I just wanted you to have the number in case anything was up and you
needed to get ahold of me. Teddy and I are alone for the first time since
January. I hope so too, Dad. Tell Mom I love her. You too, bye.” I came
out of the bathroom as he was hanging up the phone. He leaned one arm
against the wall as I entered the room and eyed me. I blushed. It was as
though he could see into my soul. He knew something was up and at this
point in time I couldn’t wait to tell him. “So what is it?” He asked. “Is
it another man? Is it Zach?” He looked out the window, not at me. I
rushed up to him and made to put my arms around him but he held me at bay.
“Josh, no! Oh my God, no!” His jaw was tight and he clenched and
unclenched his teeth.
“Then what is it? If it’s not another man then I can’t imagine what’s
happened between us. Things were so good and then they went to shit.” I
searched his eyes for understanding and what I found was sadness. I licked
my lips. It was time …
“How would you feel if I told you …” I felt my throat close off. Bells
went off in my head. If I told him I was pregnant and he walked out right
then I would certainly kill myself. He grabbed my shoulders tightly.
“What? Teddy, tell me!” He demanded.
“I’m pregnant.” His grip loosened and his knees gave out. He sat down
suddenly on the bed. I stared at the top of his head, scared. I sat down
next to him, my knees feeling a bit wobbly as well. “Josh?” I said
timidly. He looked at me, tears in his eyes.
“Oh, God, Teddy. Why didn’t you tell me the minute you found out?” I
stared at him, my mouth open. He smiled and took my face into his large
hands. “We’re having a baby!” I nodded, tears building in my own eyes – oh
there was a surprise, me crying! He leaped on me, kissing me all over, both
of us crying like babies! He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me
tightly. “I was so scared.” He whispered. “I was afraid that …” I hushed
him with my hand over his mouth.
“No! Don’t say it! I was scared too. I was afraid that you would be
angry with me and that it would be the end of us.” He took a deep breath
and let it out loudly.
“It almost was the end of us. Oh God, I’m so happy! I love you so much!”
He pulled me to him again, squeezing me so tight I thought I would pop like
a balloon. He jumped off the bed and grabbed the phone. “I have to call my
parents, they won’t believe it! Do you know how badly my mom wants a
grandchild?” I nodded as he dialed the phone. Yeah, I knew. I went back
into the bathroom to wash my face while he made his phone call. When I came
back, he was sitting on the chair, beaming. “Come here.” He said holding
out his hands. I approached him and he pulled up my large shirt. I pushed
it back down.
“What are you doing?” He pulled it up again.
“I wanna see.” I rolled my eyes and sighed.
“There’s nothing to see.” His eyes went wide as he spied my large breasts.
“Oh yes there is, pregnant tits!” He got up and pushed me towards the bed.
“Get naked.” He demanded, unbuttoning his jeans and pulling them off. “I
wanna make love to my pregnant Teddy!” I undressed slowly while he watched, his
excitement obvious. His eyes opened wide when he saw my bloated, out of
shape pregnant body. “Wow, you do look different.” He gasped. I had a
little bit of a belly. He pulled me into bed and lay me down. He ran his
hand up over my abdomen feeling the small bulge that was there. He bit his
lip and grinned at me. I smiled back. “Oh my God.” He breathed. “This is
our baby.” I nodded. “My baby.” He rubbed himself on my leg. “Why does
that make me want to fuck you so bad?” I shrugged.
“So what are you waiting for?” I asked pulling him on top of me. He
halted right before entering me. I sighed.
“What now?” He had a thoughtful look on his face.
“Is it okay to do this?” I laughed and pulled at him.
“Yes, now do it!”
We lay together on the bed, arms and legs entangled.
“So what do you want, boy or girl?” Josh said breaking the silence. I shrugged.
“Doesn’t really matter. If it’s a boy then it’ll be a little you and if it’s a girl it’ll be a little me.” I thought for a moment. “Oh no, we’re in trouble.” Josh laughed.
“I would love to have a boy so I could teach him to play the piano and the drums and guitar.” I sighed.
“You could teach a girl those things too.”
“Oh shit, yeah. Then I don’t care either. In fact, a little girl would be cool. She’d be a little you.”
“And a little boy would torture his babysitter and try to get into her pants.” Josh snickered.
“It wasn’t your pants, babe, it was your shirt. I wanted to see your tits. What was between your legs kinda scared me at that age. Those boobs were just sticking straight out all the time, I needed to see them. I tried to get Chris to help me any chance I could get but he thought I was gross. He just liked to mess with you.” I sighed.
“Well had I known you were going to grow up to be such a hottie I probably would have let you see them willingly.”
“Oh damn it!” His feet tickled the bottoms of mine and I kicked at him. “Well, should we get up and do something today other then lay here naked?” I tried to untangle my legs from his but he held me fast.
“Yes because I’m really hungry and if I don’t eat I’m gonna get cranky.” He let me go and we both got up.
“Oh God, baby needs to eat!” I slid my panties up my legs and then slipped into my jeans without buttoning them.
“Yeah, baby needs to eat!” I said pulling my sweater over my head. After Josh dressed, he pulled his curly, brown tresses into a small pony tail at the back of his head and slipped a Chicago Bears hat on to conceal his identity as best as possible. “How do I look?” He asked tugging on a jacket and pulling the collar up around his neck. I pursed my lips and nodded.
“Okay, you look like Joe Dork.” He planted his hands on his hips as I giggled and we headed out the door.
There wasn’t much to see here. It was a large enough city but not quite like L.A. We stopped into a few shops, and in almost every store I found Josh migrating to the children’s sections. He pulled a toddler sized baseball shirt off the rack and held it up to my abdomen then grinned. I swatted at him.
“You are silly.” I said. He slid his arms around me and kissed my forehead.
“That I am.” He agreed. We found a quaint little restaurant midtown and went in for a bite. Afterwards we found a movie theatre and snuck in for a quiet movie and popcorn. I found that buttery popcorn was something that I really loved! At least while I was pregnant … I never cared for it that much but now … yum! After the movie we walked until we were chilled to the bone then we went back to the hotel and took a long, hot bath together. We lay in bed, wrinkled from the water and slept more peacefully then either of us had in months.
The tour progressed and since there was only one more month of it both of us were very excited. We wanted nothing more then to go back to California and be pregnant together. We lay for hours and talked about selling my house, selling his condo and buying a modest house in the Hills. We decided that we would trade in my Lexus for a minivan and when Josh said he wanted to fill all the seats in the van, save for the momma’s and daddy’s with children I nearly passed out. I had no idea he wanted children that badly and I was very happy. Then came the night of the last show In Sioux City, Iowa. For Josh it was bittersweet. For me it was a relief. Being pregnant and traveling around in a bus wasn’t mixing very well. From the time he got up in the morning until right before the show he was quiet and introverted. I understood and gave him space. Before he went on he pulled a padded bar stool up to the stage and placed it just out of view of the audience, he instructed me to sit and watch him stating that because it was the last show it was going to be special. I wanted to make him happy so I obliged. The first half of the show went on as usual. Josh had a great time with the audience as he always had. Then came the second half of the show. When Lucia, the violinist had her solo Josh came back, kissed me and went to refresh before heading back out onstage to finish the song she’d started. After the song I watched as he stopped to chat with the fans.
“This is our last show tonight as you already know.” He said, the crowd stirred restlessly in their seats. “I know, I know. It’s very sad for us too but now we get to go back to work on some new stuff – just for you!” They cheered and screamed. He held his hand up to quiet them. “Tonight I want to be special, not only for you but for me too. There’s someone I want you to meet.” He glanced back at me and my heart pounded painfully in my chest. Oh no, Josh, don’t do this. I pleaded silently with him. He strolled slowly back and forth on the stage. “This woman has truly enhanced my life the way no one ever has.” The crowd encouraged him to go on with cheers and whistles. No, oh dear God, I couldn’t go onstage, I was dressed like a slob! I stood up making to bolt back further but Cassie stood right behind me. “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my girlfriend Teddy!” The audience went wild with whoops and roars. I pleaded with Cassie to let me by but she pushed me towards the front of the stage. I swallowed hard and even though I was totally unprepared to make an appearance wearing denim overalls and a Josh concert baby tee, my hair was braided down the side of my head and I was wearing Converse tennis shoes, I timidly made my way out to Josh who welcomed me with open arms and a hefty hug. He pointed me towards the main floor and introduced me. “Fans, Teddy.” He swept his hand from me to the crowd. “Teddy, the fans.” They went wild, I thought my ears were going to pop! I could feel a strong wind pushing me backwards. I waved. I was in awe at the view of the large concert hall from Josh’s point of view, it was intimidating to say the least. Just then Josh knelt down in front of me, my belly did flops with anticipation of what was about to happen. I giggled uncontrollably as he grabbed my hand and held it tightly. One of the young crew ran out and handed a box to Josh, he juggled it with the microphone. “Teddy …” He looked up at me and for a moment there was nothing outside of me and Josh on that stage in the hot, bright lights. “I need to ask because I want you to be with me always. Oh!” He turned to the crowd. “Is it okay, fans if I ask her to marry me?” There were screams and cheers of approval. He beamed and then turned his attention back on me. He stuffed the microphone into the top, front pocket of his shirt and opened the box. “Babe,” He held the box up to me. My eyes opened wide as I spied a large, sparkling, purple, princess cut stone hugged on either side by brilliant diamonds. My hands covered my mouth automatically as I sucked in air. “Will you be my wife?” I pulled him to a stand and threw my arms around his neck squeezing him tightly. The microphone crackled as our bodies pressed together. I let him go and he pulled the microphone out of his pocket. “She didn’t say yes yet.” He said to the crowd and shrugged. I nodded and said “yes.” He held his hand up to his ear as if he couldn’t hear. “Huh?” He pushed the microphone to my face.
“Yes!” I said, it echoed throughout the hall. With that the audience let out a deafening roar. “Kiss her!” They began to chant. Josh took the ring out of the box and slipped it onto my finger and then slid his arms around me. I looked up at him and he smiled.
“I guess we should give them what they want.” He said to me and then pressed his lips warmly and gently against mine for a kiss. “I love you Teddy.” He whispered as we broke apart. I waved goodbye to the audience as I left the stage, ring on my finger, ring box in my hand. Chris, Josh’s brother was there to meet me as I approached the backstage area. He threw his arms around me and hugged.
“Congrats.” He said smiling. “Josh has great taste.” I felt my knees about to give away and clutched on to Chris. “Hey,” he said, “are you okay?” I began to tremble.
“God, Chris, that was nerve wracking.” He helped me to the stool and I sat down heavily. He knelt down in front of me and placed his hands on my knees.
“I know it. Now you know why I stay off the stage!” He grabbed my hand and eyed the ring. “Woah.” He said. “That is gorgeous! I have great taste, don’t I?” I smiled at him.
“Oh, so you picked it out …” I nodded knowingly. He grinned.
“But it was all Josh’s idea. He really loves you.” I winked at him.
“I couldn’t tell.” Chris helped me downstairs to the changing room to wait for Josh. I was exhausted and I had no idea why other then it was caused by the pregnancy. I tried to sleep but the roar of the crowd and stomping overhead kept me alert. Finally after two encores Josh emerged, panting and sweating. I enveloped him in my arms and kissed his mouth with fervor. He returned the affection, his sweaty hair dripping all over me. I didn’t care, I loved him and wanted him right then and there. My hands roamed his back and found his tee-shirt stuck to his hot, wet skin.
“You totally surprised me this evening.” I whispered as he moved his mouth down to my neck.
“MmmHmm …” He mumbled biting into me. I gasped. My neck was a very sensitive spot on my body and knowing that he took advantage as he licked at me and nipped. I tugged at his shirt, I wanted it off. He pulled away and yanked it over his head. I ran and locked the door as he kicked off his pants. I shed my overalls and rushed at him. He pulled my shirt up and then unsnapped my bra behind my back. He sucked in air as my breasts fell heavily. He tossed it carelessly behind him and took one in each hand. I groaned as he licked them roughly. They were so sensitive these days and not necessarily in a good way but I wanted him, wherever he touched me I was on fire. He pushed me onto the carpeted floor and knelt over me. I reached down and took him into my hands as he licked me and sucked my skin. He was hard and damp himself. I worked it, rubbing my hands up and down his shaft until he oozed with desire. Josh positioned himself between my legs and entered me quickly. I squealed and he smiled.
“Like that?” He gritted his teeth and rode me hard. I closed my eyes and felt myself peaking.
“Oh baby, oh Josh …” I whimpered. I felt him harden even more inside me as he grunted with every stroke. When he finally burst I screamed out. He covered my mouth with his, I could taste his sweat. When he felt he’d had enough he pulled me up and into the shower. We rinsed off quickly and then dressed. There were multitudes of people waiting outside for us, blocking the entry to the bus, our safety. As we emerged from the back door of the venue, the crowd cheered. Josh held my hand up and then did a little dance. Strangers hugged me and offered their congratulations. I smiled as best I could. Josh was engulfed in fans who held out books and CD booklets for him to sign. I had fans and reporters surrounding me, I felt suddenly closed in and my breath was coming in short pants. I searched for Josh. Lightbulbs flashed and popped around me. I made my way slowly towards him. When he spied me he pulled me in to his arms. Relieved, I smiled and we posed for pictures. More then an hour later we escaped to the safety and sanity of the tour bus. Once inside Josh rushed me to the back and pulled me onto the bed.
“Finally …” He sighed as the bus began to move. I curled into his arms as we headed on the road to the closest airport where we flew back home.

Josh paced the hallway nervously. He ran a hand through his hair finding it slightly damp with sweat then stuck his other hand in the front pocket of his jeans. He could hear muffled noises coming from inside the hospital room, his curiosity piqued. He stuck his head inside the door and heard the ‘push’ instructions. Teddy grit her teeth and grunted. A bead of sweat appeared out of nowhere on his forehead and dripped into his eye. He ducked back out into the hall. He knew he should be inside, with Teddy as she was giving birth to his child but he was, and he wasn’t afraid to admit it, scared of the whole thing. The last few months had been spent excitedly preparing for this moment but there were guys he knew, friends from high school who were already dads who advised him not to be in the room when the baby came out. “Dude, it’ll ruin your sex life if you watch that thing come out her …” He’d heard it more then once and now …
“Josh!” Teddy screamed. He ran into the room to see her leaning over, mouth pursed then teeth gritting. Her eyes flashed at him. “What are you doing out there?” She growled. He stood staring at her, eyes wide open like a deer in headlights. He pointed to himself and then at the door.
“Well, I was, ummm …”
“I see the head, here comes the baby.” The doctor said from between Theo’s legs. Josh felt his stomach flip and then nausea overtook him. He fled the room to the safety of the bathroom where it was dark and cool. He leaned against the wall, gulped and sighed.
“I should be out there …” He whispered to himself. “Get a grip Groban, go watch your baby being born.” He stood, smoothed back his curls and headed back into the room.
“Joshua, get over here before I kill you!” Theo hissed through gritted teeth. He sat down in front of her and attempted to grasp her hand. She pulled it away and held onto the low bars on the bed. He was confused, she wanted him here yet she didn’t want him here.
“What do you want me to do Teddy, I don’t know!”
“The baby, Josh, your baby!” Suddenly there was a rush of activity between Theo’s legs. Josh looked back and was somewhat disturbed by how many men there were staring at her crotch.
“It’s a girl!” The doctor said as he held up a bloody, cheesy, wrinkled thing with an extension cord attached to it. That thing couldn’t be the baby, could it? It was hideous! All at once Josh felt the room closing in on him, his vision darkened and the sounds in the room became very far away. His breathing came in short spurts and then he was falling … in slow motion … it was hot in there, so hot … “Josh?” Teddy said softly, so softly he almost didn’t hear her … and then he was out.

His head ached. He felt a tinge of nausea. Josh reached up and rubbed his forehead. His hand touched something and his eyes fluttered open. He stared up into the eyes of his lovely girlfriend. She smiled.
“Hey daddy. Are you okay?” Theo touched his forehead lightly smoothing a curl from it. He sat up quickly and then was sorry he did, he immediately felt lightheaded and his temples throbbed.
“What the hell happened?” He looked around, he was still at the hospital in a chair that doubled as a fold out bed.
“You passed out tough guy.” He coughed.
“No I did not!” He got up and immediately sat back down. “I was just tired. I fell asleep, yeah …” Theo smiled. She leaned over and pressed her lips against his. They were warm and soft. The baby! Where was the baby?
“Where is she?” He asked. Theo smiled brightly and went over to a portable bassinet. She reached inside and pulled out a tightly wrapped little bundle. Josh felt butterflies fluttering in his belly as she brought the bundle closer. He peered up nervously. “She doesn’t look like she did before, does she?” He asked timidly as Theo brought the baby down to him.
“Of course she doesn’t.” She held little bundle out to him and he took her cautiously. Holding her as gently as he could, he stared down at the precious little face of his baby girl. His chest felt heavy with love and the butterflies still swarmed inside his belly. He glanced up at Theo, she smiled down at him. He was feeling things he’d never felt before, it was almost overwhelming and as he searched the tiny sleeping face that would now be a permanent extension of himself and Teddy he felt tears burn the insides of his eyelids.
“Wow ..” He whispered. “She’s precious.” He brought the baby up closer and planted a delicate kiss on her forehead. He stared at her, memorizing her. She had his mouth and Teddy’s little up-turned nose. Her little cheeks were plump and pink. “Wow.” Was all he could think to say.
“She looks just like you.” Theo said kneeling down next to Josh and staring at the baby and the looking up at him.
“No, she looks like you.” Theo smiled and snuggled into his side. He kissed the top of her head. “Hey, you, get into bed and I’ll put her on your lap.” He said nodding towards the bed. Theo got up and slid between the sheets. Josh got up slowly and lay the baby down on her legs. She leaned back against the pillows and sighed.
“I’m so tired babe.” She said closing her eyes. He pulled the chair-bed close to Theo’s bed and sat down.
“Why don’t you take a nap while our little girl is sleeping and then when you wake up we’ll tackle the gigantic feat of naming her.” Theo smiled, eyes still closed.
“Sounds good.” Josh got up and gingerly picked up the baby and set her back in the bassinet. He returned to his seat and stroked Theo’s arm lightly until she was breathing steadily. When he was sure she was sleeping he crept out of the room.

He sauntered down the hall to a waiting room where he found a fresh pot of hot coffee. He poured himself a cup and sipped it. It felt good going down. He was quite exhausted himself but he wanted Teddy to rest. From the times he’d poked his head in the room during her 5 hours of labor he could tell she was working hard. He flopped down on an overstuffed couch and cradled the coffee in his lap while he leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He pictured the little girl he’d fathered and a smile spread across his face. She was more beautiful then he ever could have imagined and if she grew up to look like her mother he would have to buy a shotgun to ward off her pursuers. He tried to remember what happened in the moments before he supposedly passed out … he cleared his throat audibly … but no memory was there. Had he really fainted just at the moment when his daughter was born? He could feel his cheeks reddening at the thought of it. He felt himself drifting off, body relaxing, mind wandering when he felt a slight burning on his thigh. He lifted his head and found the coffee cup tipping over spilling hot coffee onto his leg. “Dammit.” He swore as he jumped up and grabbed a napkin. He was dabbing at himself when he heard footsteps and voices coming down the hall. He looked up in time to be greeted by his parents and his brother. His mother wrapped her arms around him and squeezed.
“Congratulations son!” His father boomed pumping his hand and then hugging him. Josh smiled and then hugged his brother.
“Thanks.”
“Where is this little blessing?” Lindy asked. Josh motioned down the hallway.
“Teddy’s resting right now, we can wait here a little bit and then I’ll take you to see her.” The four of them moved to the couches and sat.
“How big was she?” Mom asked. Josh scratched his head.
“She was 8 pounds, 13 ounces.” Dad laughed, mom’s eyes opened wide.
“Good size!” She said. “You were about that size, you were 9 pounds, 3 ounces. Who does she look like?” Josh smiled proudly.
“She looks like Teddy.”
“Oh come on you two, newborns don’t look like anything but wrinkles and hair.” Jack sighed.
“No really, Dad, I see Teddy all over her.” Jack nodded.
“I can’t wait to see her.” Chris said.
“So tell me about her birth.” Mom prompted.
“Teddy worked hard, Mom. For me it was quick, she wasn’t there and then she was. It was kinda gross.” Dad pointed at Josh.
“That’s the reason most men don’t watch the birth of their children. It’s kind of scary.” Josh nodded. He couldn’t agree more. He felt his cheeks burning again. He checked his watch, it had been almost an hour since he left Teddy.
“Let’s go see the baby.” He said getting up.

Josh stuck his head in the door and smiled when he saw me.
“Oh, you’re up!” He said and came into the room. I cradled the baby in my arms, her small eyes open and lips smacking. She was hungry and I had yet to have a visit from the lactation consultant. I wanted to breast feed and went to several classes but wasn’t sure how to start. Josh knelt down on the bed next to us. He slid his arm around me and beamed down at the baby then he pulled me to him and kissed me. “She’s gorgeous.” He whispered proudly. I nodded, I couldn’t agree more. “Oh! My parents are here to see you.” He said getting up. “Is it okay if they come in?” I nodded.
“Yeah, but baby’s going to need to eat soon.”
“Okay.” He said and went to the door to usher them all in. Lindy rushed over and hugged me cautiously then gawked down at her grandchild.
“Ohhhh Jack …” She gushed. “Look at her!” Jack stood behind her and peeked over her shoulder. He glanced at Josh and smiled.
“Well done, son. She’s gorgeous. Doesn’t look a thing like you.”
“Ha ha ha.” Josh said disgustedly. Chris made his way over slowly and shyly. I elbowed Josh and whispered for him to move and then patted the bed next to me.
“Come, Chris, sit next to me.” He sat down and peered over to the baby then smiled at me.
“She’s so cute.” He said and gave Josh the thumbs up. Josh was such a proud daddy. I was proud of him myself. We had come a long way, he and I. We had decided to wait until after the baby was born to get married. It just wouldn’t look right with my belly protruding obviously from my body. He was very supportive throughout even when I had crazy, whacked out cravings for watermelon at six in the morning or ice cream and pizza all weekend long. Our diet went a little nuts for a while there until I saw myself gaining weight at a miraculous speed and we went back to eating healthy – except for the ice cream, I had to have it and Josh didn’t object. We had been eating dinner – sometime yesterday when I felt my abdomen tightening. I didn’t really thing too much of it until it got to the point where I couldn’t sit still. I went to the bathroom, my water broke and that was it! And now here we were, Josh, baby, and me.

And now baby was making herself known. She started to squawk. Chris leaped up and headed towards the other side of the room while Josh ran to my side.
“What’s wrong with her?” He asked looking down at her reddening face.
“She’s hungry.” I replied and rang the nurse’s alarm. She asked what I needed and I told her I needed to feed the baby. She said she would be with me in a moment. Lindy grabbed Jack’s arm.
“Time for us to go.” She said coming to the bed. She knew I wanted to breastfeed, we’d discussed it many times. She hugged me and leaned down and kissed the baby’s forehead before the three of them retreated back out the door just as the nurse was coming in.
“I called Lactation and they don’t have anyone available to come in right now but …” She pulled up a chair and sat down by me. “I breastfed all my children and I’ve helped other moms. It’s not hard, it’s just a matter of getting used to it.” She eyed Josh. “You staying for this dad?” She asked. He smiled and then straightened his face.
“Yeah. I’m curious to see how this is done.” I smiled at him.
“First thing is to decide which side to start on.” We decided to start on the right side. She helped me expose the breast and position the baby under it. It was quite difficult at first getting my nipple into her mouth but after a while she was suckling mercilessly. The nurse left us alone. Josh slid onto the bed next to me and watched, grinning.
“You’re such a perv.” I said. He looked surprised.
“I am not, this is cool. My mother breastfed me.” I wasn’t sure the baby was even getting any milk until I felt an odd and somewhat tingly feeling in my breast. The nurse told me that was called the “letdown” when the milk was flowing into the breast. The baby gulped hungrily and I leaned back on the pillows until she was full. When she was content and sleeping peacefully I handed her over to her father and he sat down in the chair next to the bed and held her, beaming like a proud daddy. I felt myself drifting off and took a nap. When I woke he was still there, rocking gently, baby in his arms.

We tackled the issue of what to call baby girl Groban later that evening. I asked Josh what he thought we should name her. He cleared his throat and shifted in his seat uncomfortably.
“I kinda like the name Madison.” I wrinkled up my nose.
“It’s the name of a town or a city. What else have you got?” He rolled his eyes upward, obviously thinking.
“She could be called September.” I frowned.
“Oh you mean like your old girlfriend?”
“Okay, forget it. Ummm Paige? Taylor?” I sighed. I didn’t like any of those. “Well how about you throw some out?”
“I like Victoria.”
“Nope.”
“Carolyn?”
“I don’t think she’s a Carolyn.” He got up and peeked into the bassinet
“How about Beth or Elizabeth?” He thought a moment.
“I kinda like that one. Keep going.”
“I love the name Claire.” He stood and looked at me.
“Then she is Claire. Claire Elizabeth Groban.” I smiled and joined him at the baby’s side. He slid his arm around my waist and pulled me closer. I slid my arms around his neck and he pressed his soft, warm lips against mine. I pulled him to me and felt my heart pounding as I slid my tongue along his thick bottom lip.
“Mmmmm … baby. I want you so badly.” I slid my hands up the back of his shirt and lightly scratched his back. “Ohhhh now I want you to do that for an hour or two.” He leaned his head back and moaned. I scratched until a nurse interrupted us. Her face blushed a bright pink and she hurried past Josh and me towards the baby and peeked in.
“I wasn’t sure what was going on in here …” She muttered. “Sounded kind of like an R-rated movie!” I giggled and Josh blushed. She bustled around me, forcing me back onto the bed, checked my vitals and informed me that Claire and I would be going home the next day. I was thrilled and Josh couldn’t contain his excitement.
“I’m going to go home tonight and get everything ready for our little girl.” He said. I smiled at him. It was great to see him so happy. I couldn’t wait to get home with the baby and be alone with my family for once. The day had been a constant revolving door of visitors. The first of which was Josh’s parents and brother, then my mother, then my mother’s sister and her family intermingled with Josh’s cousins and other assorted relatives. By the time Josh left I was quite fatigued and couldn’t wait to curl up in bed. Shortly after that Claire woke and cried to be fed. She slept until about 4AM and then I got up, changed her diaper and fed her once more. I had an 8AM alarm clock by the name of Claire. My body felt like I had been trampled by a horse and my head ached. I settled Claire up to my breast and she drank hungrily. I could hardly keep my eyes open. The day nurse made her appearance not long after. I was holding my baby and trying to watch TV. I could barely concentrate.
“Ready to go home today Mrs. Groban?” The nurse asked. Not wanting to embarrass her with a correction of the Mrs. Part I just nodded. “Then let’s get you cleaned up.” She held the baby while I slid out of bed. “She’s gorgeous.” The nurse remarked. “Just wait until that crowd gets a look at her.” I frowned and eyed her.
“Crowd?” I asked. She indicated towards the window.
“Oh yeah, hundreds of people are out there already.” I rushed over to the window and peeked out. Sure enough there was a hoard of fans contained by a few police officers across the street from the hospital. I sighed. Will they ever give up and let us be? I knew Josh loved them but I was tired and I just wanted to retreat to our home quietly and take a nap. I wasn’t up for a ‘showing.’
“Good grief.” I muttered and turned back to find the nurse straightening my bed. I went over to the closet and pulled out the clothes I’d worn into the hospital night before last.
“If you’d like to shower I’ll do a little straightening here and keep an eye on your baby.” I nodded, that sounded good. Stepping onto the chilled floor of the shower stall I let the hot water beat against my face. I leaned my hands against the wall and let out a deep sigh. I washed my tender body and scrubbed my hair. I dressed and looking into the mirror. A laugh escaped me before I could contain it. The maternity top I’d worn into the hospital was large and baggy. I still had a bit of a belly but not quite like what it was. I glanced over at the little bundle who was moving around in her bed. I went over to her and smiled. “Look what you did to your momma.” I said out loud. ‘ And it was well worth it.’ I thought to myself. A dietary assistant brought in my breakfast on a tray and set it down on the bed table. I climbed into bed figuring on eating when Josh burst into the room, a large bouquet of roses took the place of his head. I giggled. He moved them to the side and smiled. Setting the flowers down on a chair he approached and slid into bed next to me.
“Ooooo breakfast!” He said. “I’m hungry.” He picked up a sausage and stuffed it into his mouth.
“Did you see all those people out there Josh?” I asked him. He nodded as he finished off my eggs. “How did you get in without getting mauled?”
“The police are holding them back on the other side of the street and I got out of the limo under the hospital canopy. I doubt they even know I’m here.” I got out of bed and glanced out the window. The crowd had multiplied.
“I’m sure they know you’re here.” I said. Josh took Claire into his arms and held her in the chair while we waited for the doctor to discharge the two of us.

Josh carried Claire while the nurse wheeled me towards the front entrance of the hospital in a wheelchair. The closer we got the more my stomach did flips. I felt a slight film of sweat all over. I discovered something about myself right then, I wasn’t fond of these large crowds that tended to be wherever Josh was all the time. As long as I was far away from them they were okay but when it came to getting caught up in them I would have preferred avoid them then confront them.
“This is it.” The nurse said stopping the wheelchair intending for me to get up out of it. I swallowed hard and stood. My knees were a little shaky so I sat back down for a moment.
“You okay Teddy?” Josh asked, concerned. I smiled weakly.
“Yeah, honey. I’m just a nervous wreck!” I forced a laugh. He was so excited, he couldn’t wait to show off his lovely little girl. I got up again, stronger this time. The nurse hugged me.
“Congratulations to you both.” She said. “If you need anything please don’t hesitate to call.” She said and watched as Josh and I emerged from the building to the blinding morning sun and cheering so loud that I could almost feel the strength of it push me backwards. Josh gave the fans his famous handsome, white-toothed smile. He proudly held his little girl up so they could see. They roared so loud that I nearly jumped out of my skin, even little Claire jumped. I moved closer to Josh and he slid his arm around my waist as we made our way to the limo and disappeared into it.
“You know you are royalty.” I sighed settling into the seat. He smiled at me.
“How will you ever live with me now after making a comment like that?” I kicked at him. He moved his leg and I kicked the seat instead.
“Damn you Groban.” I snapped. He snickered.
“Best be nice to the king woman or I’ll have you in chains later.” He raised his eyebrows at me. I stuck my tongue out at him. “And you’ll be using that too!”

The house Josh and I bought was big. Bigger then I really wanted but not as big as some of the palatial mansions nearby. We chose it because it was the smallest and was located in the center of a gated community. It was a Spanish style villa, only 6 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms. What we were going to do with six bedrooms was beyond me but Josh seemed to have some dumb idea we were going to have as many children. “Pffft!” I told him. “Let’s make it through the first one and then we’ll see.” He just shook his head. He definitely had other plans. One other redeeming quality was that the home seemed well built and quiet, very quiet..
It felt good to be home even though our footsteps made strange echoing sounds through the foyer. Josh carried Claire straight up to the nursery. He and I together decorated it in a black and white musical theme. We didn’t know whether she was going to be male or female so in any case we chose the black and white theme because it wasn’t either sex and because we’d read that black and white stimulated baby’s brain. When I walked in I was pleasantly surprised by red roses in vases scattered throughout the room.
“Did you do this?” I asked smiling. He nodded.
“I thought it needed some color for our little girl.” He lay her down on her back in the white crib we’d chosen for her. When she was safely nestled in her bed Josh approached me and slid his arms around me. “Now …” He said studying my face and moving a stray hair that had gotten caught in my eyelashes. “I want to show you how much I appreciate you. I know that giving birth to our daughter wasn’t easy.” I smiled.
“Especially for you Mr.Thud.” He narrowed his eyes to slits and growled at me.
“I did not pass out. I fell asleep. I’m a tough guy and if you don’t agree I’ll just have to prove it to you.” I stifled a giggle and tried to stare at him with a straight face. “You gonna be quiet for a minute so I can tell you how much I love you?” I nodded. He dipped his head to mine and kissed me. He kissed from my lips to my chin then down my neck and up to my ear. “I love you.” He whispered and pulled my body close to his. I could feel his excitement and wanted him so badly. I sighed heavily. He pulled away and searched my eyes. “What?” He asked.
“I can’t.” I said quietly.
“Can’t what?”
“Have sex with you.” He raised his eyebrows and blinked.
“Why not?” I clicked my tongue.
“Josh, I just had a baby. I have like three stitches down there but what would you know about it, you spent the whole time passed out on the floor!” He clenched his teeth and sighed.
“For the last time, I didn’t …” I pulled away and went into our bedroom and unpacked my bag. I didn’t want to hear his “I didn’t pass out” bullshit again.
“It doesn’t matter, I can’t have sex for a month or two. I’m sorry.” He followed me and yanked the bag out of my hands. He turned me to him and laced his fingers in mine.
“Listen, I don’t care about the sex.” I made a face. “Okay well I did care about the sex but if you can’t then you can’t." He pulled me close and slid his arms around me. "I just want you to know that I love you and I'm so happy that we are a family now." He hugged me tightly. Just then the baby began to cry and we both ran to her.

The baby was crying again. I nudged Josh with my elbow. He didn’t move. I nudged him again, this time a little harder. He mumbled.
“Josh.” I said.
“What?” He muttered without even moving his mouth.
“Will you go get the baby for me?” He lay there silent. I sighed. “Josh?”
“What?”
“Please go get Claire for me.” He flung the covers back off his legs, swung them over the side and shuffled like a zombie to the nursery. He didn’t even open his eyes. His mouth hung open, face unshaven and scruffy, hair flattened on one side. I jumped up out of bed and ran to the nursery. I was worried that if he was that tired he might drop her or something. I met him as he was leaning over to pick her up. “It’s okay, honey, I’ll get her.” He lifted her gently from the crib and then frowned at me, brows furrowed. I held out my hands and he handed her over.
“Why did you make me get up if you were just going to take her from me when I picked her up?” He snapped. I gave him a hesitant look and then took her over to the changing table for a diaper change.
“Josh, you looked so sleepy, I was afraid you might …” I trailed off not wanting to finish.
“Whatever.” He muttered angrily and shuffled back to the bedroom. I changed her wet diaper, snapped her pajamas and took her back to the bedroom. Josh was snuggled back under the covers. I crawled into bed with her and gave her my breast. She ate hungrily. I felt a slight tickling on my elbow and glanced down to see Josh’s mass of curls. I reached down and slid my finger through his hair. It was soft but slightly damp around his scalp. He mumbled something incoherent and coughed. I caressed his forehead. He was so beautiful. I loved him so much. At that very moment in time, his baby at my breast, my fingers wound into his hair, his soft skin against mine – I felt as though I was the luckiest woman in the whole world. When she was full I leaned back against my pillows and drew my knees up where I placed Claire onto my thighs. Her eyes were wide open and fists were flailing.
“Hey little girl.” I said to her. She stared at me, watching. “You are so pretty. Look at you.” I leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “I couldn’t wait to see what you looked like and here you are.” Claire smacked her little lips. I smiled. Glancing down at Josh lightly snoring I said, “Look at your daddy. So lazy. Just sleeping there when he could be playing with his little sweetie pie.” Claire was three weeks old now. Josh and I had been playing this game every single night – Claire would wake up, I would ask him to go get her for me and he would be grumpy about it. My mother stayed with us a few days after Claire first came home but I honestly couldn’t stand having someone else in the house with Josh and me. I didn’t want anyone else hearing him snap at me and me at him. Besides, I didn’t want any confusion on Claire’s part as to who was her mommy. Suddenly the baby sneezed. I smiled. “That was very cute little girl. Don’t think you’re going to get away with all kinds of bad stuff just because you’re adorable and your daddy is famous.” I said shaking a finger at her. She responded by moving her arms around in circles.
“Can I have that cookie?” Josh mumbled and then rolled over, his back now facing me. I stifled a giggle. What in the world was he dreaming about? I picked up the baby under her arms, cradling her wobbly head in my fingers and brought her up to my face where I smooched her open mouth. She sucked at my lips. “I do love you, but it’s time for momma to get some sleep. Look at that daddy.” I turned her towards him. “He gets to sleep but does mommy? Nope.” I held her against my chest as I took her back to her room and lay her down. She lay there, awake as I wound up her mobile. When it began to play I snuck back into bed next to sleeping Josh. He was facing me again so I backed myself up against him and pulled his arm over me. It wasn’t long before I slept.

Josh woke before Theo and crept downstairs. He put on a pot of coffee to brew and when it was done poured himself a cup and sat down on the couch in the living room. He turned on the TV, lowered the volume and flipped through the channels slowly. When he got to A&E History channel he paused on Unsolved History. He used to love to watch it when he had lots of time to spend hanging out in front of the screen but lately he’d been too busy what with first and foremost baby, then appearances, stray concerts, and now recording his new album. He stared at the screen but before long his eyes went out of focus and his mind took center stage. He had been thrilled at the birth of his daughter, Claire but being a parent was so very tiring. He could hardly keep his eyes open in the studio and had to re-record one simple song every day for a week before he could get it right. And then there was Teddy, she had turned into a cranky monster. What was up with that? He had friends who were parents and their wives were fine. Teddy was constantly nagging him about one thing or another. And she accused him of not helping enough. Well let her go out and record an album and see how easy that was! As long as he’s bringing home the bacon she should be taking care of the baby without complaint. He frowned. That sure was an old fashioned thought and it surprised him that he would even consider it. No, he knew he should help out more but the sleep was an issue. He couldn’t function without the proper amount of sleep. The whole European tour was evidence of that. He felt like he’d spent the greatest amount of time there trying to catch up on sleep rather then enjoying the fact that he was overseas and in different, very interesting countries. He was brought out of his trance by the sounds of Claire’s cry. He was going to get up when he heard Teddy’s feet padding her way to the nursery. He figured he would let her feed the baby and then go and see both of them. He sipped his hot coffee and sighed to himself. Well, he had it all, a beautiful woman, now the mother of his equally as beautiful child, a new home, a fantastic career. What more could he ask for? How about some sleep? He rubbed his eyes. They were tired and itchy. He yawned. His whole body was tired. Both his mom and Teddy’s mom had offered to stay over and help take care of the baby but after a few days Teddy was getting tired of that too. Why would she drive away help and then complain that he wasn’t helping enough. Had she been a little more tolerant of the moms then she would have plenty of help. He stretched his arms out in front of him, hands balled into fists, flexing his aching muscles when suddenly he felt arms around his shoulders. Teddy leaned down and kissed his neck. He lightly stroked her soft skin and allowed her more of his neck. She kissed until she finally bit down. He jumped.
“There’s coffee.” He said as she left him and made her way out to the kitchen.
“You know I can’t have anything with caffeine in it.” She said.
“Yeah, Teddy, I do know that. Do you think I’m that insensitive? I made decaf. It’s better for me too.” He sighed. Really it wasn’t better for him, without the caffeine he had even more trouble staying awake.
“Well then thank you, I think I will have a cup.” She said loudly.
“Where’s Claire?” Josh asked looking around for the carrier and not seeing anything.
“I put her back in her crib.” He could hear Teddy’s spoon clinking around and around in her cup as she stirred the sugar into it. Josh bounded up the stairs to find his baby, arms and legs moving in circles in the crib.
“Hey pretty baby.” He said in his best playful voice. He reached in and pulled her to himself. He kissed her nose, her cheek, and then her forehead. She made a tiny squeaking noise. “Your mean momma didn’t even bring you down so I could see you today.” He kissed her little pouty lips and then carried her downstairs where he could cuddle with her on the couch. Theo joined them a few minutes later. She smiled when she saw Claire and her daddy bonding.
“Are you hungry, honey?” Theo asked. Josh looked thoughtfully over to her, pursed his lips and then nodded.
“Yeah, I guess I am.” Theo got up and headed back to the kitchen.
“Have a taste for anything special?” She asked.
“Nope, anything will be fine.”
“Need a refill on your coffee?” He told her he could use one. She came and got his cup, refilled it with coffee, cream, and sugar then brought it back. “So what in the world were you dreaming about last night? It was pretty funny.” He frowned and thought if there was something specific he had been dreaming about. He heard Theo jostling pans in the other room.
“I don’t know. I don’t remember dreaming about anything.” He said. He heard her snicker. He cradled Claire in his arms and sauntered into the kitchen. “What are you laughing about?” She had a sly smile on her face. He could only imagine what he’d done or said.
“Nothing. You were just funny that’s all.” He leaned back against the counter.
“Look at her, Claire, making fun of your daddy and she won’t even tell me what it’s about.” Theo laughed out loud.
“You were talking about cookies in your sleep.” He made a face.
“Cookies? Like computer cookies or eating cookies?” He asked. Theo kept a watchful eye on the eggs she was cooking.
“I would say eating cookies.” He laughed out loud at that.
“You’re kidding? I was talking about eating cookies in my sleep?” Theo snickered. “That’s just weird.”
“You’re telling me.” She said. Josh grabbed Claire’s carrier seat and set her down on the table as the two ate their breakfast.
“Matt’s having a barbecue tomorrow and he wants us to come.” Josh said breaking the silence that had settled between them. Matt was a friend from high school whom he’d kept in touch with. He lived just down the road with his wife, a gorgeous model from the pages of Cosmo magazine and their six month old daughter, Benny. He caught Theo rolling her eyes. “Now what was that for? Tell me you don’t want to go …” She eyed him cautiously.
“Not really.” Theo said quietly.
“Why?” Josh put down his fork and waited for her reply. She sighed audibly.
“Well it’s just that …” She hesitated.
“What?” She sipped her coffee and didn’t answer. “Teddy, we need to get out, you need to get out. We both need the interaction of other people. Please say you’ll go.” He reached out and took her cool hand in his. She smiled forcefully and nodded. He smiled. “Good. You and Janie will get along great, after all you two have something in common – baby girls.” She nodded but Josh could tell she wasn’t happy about it. He didn’t care. They both needed to get out, to get away from the house and talk to other people. It would be healthy for their relationship as well as their psyche.

I sat inside the closet and sobbed. I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t want to go to the barbecue, I was tired and sad. I hadn’t gotten much sleep since Claire was born and though Josh was home I still felt alone. The worst part of it all, the thing that set me off was the fact that even a month after the baby’s birth I still couldn’t fit into my bathing suit. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I sobbed into my knees, the tears running down my legs and pooling around my feet. Everything had become so difficult. The pressure was too much. The phone calls, the interviews, the pictures. They all made demands on me that I couldn’t fulfill. I felt my chest heavy with sorrow. Off in the distance I heard Josh calling me. I reigned in my sobs and by the time he found me I was wiping away the tears. He knelt down beside me and engulfed me in his arms.
“Hey!” He said pushing my hair from my damp face. He pulled my face into his hands and searched my eyes. “What’s wrong? What is it?” I sniffled and then gulped. “Teddy! Answer me!” He hollered desperately at me.
“I-i-it’s nothing.” I stammered. He pulled me up and sat me down on our bed.
“It’s something or you wouldn’t be holed up in a closet crying your eyes out! Where’s Claire?” He asked.
“She’s in her bed. You’re going to think I’m stupid.” He got up and paced in front of me. I stared down at my hands.
“I will not, just tell me why you’re crying. I hate to see you so upset.” He forced himself to sit next to me and put his arms around me.
“I can’t fit into my bathing suit.” I said barely audible. He pulled me to his chest and smoothed my hair.
“Oh honey, honey! You just had a baby!”
“I know, Josh, I know that. I can’t help it. I haven’t been sleeping much and it’s all so …” I trailed off. He pulled my face to his and kissed me on the lips ever so gently.
“Let’s just go to the barbecue, you don’t need to swim. We’ll both forget our suits and then we’ll just have a great time. I think it will do you good to get out. I won’t leave your side.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and squeezed.
“Promise you won’t leave me?” He kissed my nose.
“I promise.” He spanked me as I left the bed and changed into shorts and a tank top. Josh wore a pair of cargo shorts and a tee shirt. We got Claire ready with extra outfits and extra diapers, there was no need for bottles since I carried them on my chest! Neither of us brought a bathing suit.

Josh sipped hot coffee and sighed. Lindy sat across the table from him and reached out for his hand. He gave it to her willingly.
“I wish you could see her sometimes mom, I can’t do anything right. If I’m not leaving the toilet seat up then I’m leaving toothpaste on the sink or messing up the mirrors.” Josh’s mom nodded her head knowingly. “And this lack of sleep …” He shook his head. “It’s awful.”
“Josh, honey, the sleep thing will get better, much better. It has to already have. Babies sleep through the night starting now.” Josh eyed her feeling a twinge of hope. “As far as all the other stuff you are talking about well I think that Theo’s probably suffering from postpartum depression.” He frowned, not understanding. “Women’s hormones control their emotions honey and after a woman has a baby then her hormones are trying to get back to some sort of normal state. For some women it takes a lot longer and they might even need medication or counseling to get through it. Theo sounds like she’s having a really bad case of PPD.” He sighed. Lindy spent some time describing the symptoms and the more she talked the more Josh was convinced that was what was wrong with Teddy. He never even told her about the crying incident in the closet.
“So what do we do about it?” Lindy retrieved a blueberry pie left over from dinner the night before and sliced into it.
“I think she needs to see a doctor so they can prescribe medication.” She said setting the pie down in front of her son. Being as it was one of his all time favorites he dug into it right away.
“How do I tell her that I want her to see a doctor without rocking the boat, mom, I don’t want to start something.” Lindy finished her coffee and poured herself another cup. She let the steam warm her face a moment.
“Do you want me to talk to her?” Josh sighed and frowned. He brought his dish to the sink and rinsed it under the water.
“No. Maybe you could talk to Mrs. H. Teddy might listen more if it comes from her own mom.” He held up his hand. “Not that she doesn’t respect you because she does. She loves you a lot!” He reached down and slid his arms around Lindy’s neck and hugged her. She lightly rubbed his arm.
“And I love her honey. She’s the best woman for you. You two are so cute together.” He smiled proudly. “And that goes for my granddaughter too.” He felt pride for his baby well up in his chest and coughed.
“She is pretty isn’t she?” Lindy glanced over at a grouping of photos she’d hung on the far wall in the kitchen which included several of Claire.
“That she is Josh.”

Mom and I had lunch together at Chili’s. I sipped my iced tea and closed my menu. I knew exactly what I wanted. The Tomato Basil Pasta was my favorite. Mom, on the other hand, kept turning the pages and going back and forth. I finally sighed out loud.
“Decide what you want for dinner too mom because by the time you decide what you want for lunch it’s going to be dinner time.” She frowned at me. I glanced down at my watch. It was my first time out away from Josh and without Claire. I was a little nervous and more then slightly scared. I left Claire alone with Josh and though I know he was more then capable and I did have my cell phone where he could call if he needed me I had an anxious feeling about being away from them. I stared out the window at people passing by. I imagined Josh asleep on the couch after watching TV while Claire stared up at her mobile.
“I think I’ll have the grilled salmon.” Mom said suddenly. I snapped my head towards her and smiled.
“Good then. And it only took …” I glanced at my watch. She smacked my arm.
“Knock it off Theodora. So how are things?” She asked sipping Coke through a straw. I shrugged and looked out the window again. She cleared her throat. “How’s motherhood? I was a little sad that you wouldn’t let me stay there and help you very long.” I looked down into my glass of tea and upon seeing a mound of sugar at the bottom, stirred vigorously to dissolve it.
“Well Mom, you can’t possibly know what it’s like to have people up your ass every single moment. After I had Claire I just wanted to go home and be alone with Josh and the baby. And just so you’re not jealous I didn’t let Lindy stay either.” She smiled.
“I’m not jealous dear. I know you didn’t. She and I talk all the time.” ‘Oh great.’ I thought. Now those two are best buddies. I could only imagine what they sat and chatted about. The waiter brought us chips and salsa. I took a warm chip, dipped it in the salsa and crunched on it.
“Mom. Things are okay. Claire’s sleeping from about 11 to 6 so the dust has settled a bit there. Other then that, losing these last few pounds has been a bear.” I said and crunched down on another salsa filled chip. She eyed me as I ate another.
“I think I can see why.” I sneered at her.
“You want to eat lunch by yourself, mom? I can arrange that.” I made to grab for my purse and she clicked her tongue.
“You’re a bit testy today, Theo. Is there something you want to talk about?” I felt a momentary flash of anger and then a twinge of sadness. I had been going through these awful mood swings since about a week after I’d gotten home from the hospital. There were times I wanted nothing but to lay in Josh’s arms, satisfied without food or water and then there were times I wanted to thrash him for doing stupid stuff. Is it too much to ask to change the toilet paper when you use the very last sheet? One day I threw all the unwrapped rolls of TP at him for not changing the roll. He ran away laughing. I was glad he thought it was funny but I had a long cry session after that.
“I just feel tired mom. And I’ve got a bad case of PMS.”
“How long have you had the PMS symptoms?” I shrugged.
“The whole time.” Mom reached out for my hand and just then our lunch came. I busied myself with my pasta.
“Honey, that’s not normal. I think you should see a doctor and soon.” I rolled my eyes. “I’m not kidding sweetie.”
“I have to see one soon anyway for my checkup.” Mom took a few bites of her salmon.
“This is so good, Theo. You should have ordered this.” I shook my head.
“No thanks.” No fish for me. I despised it.
“Honey, I think you should get in to see someone like …” She chewed and then swallowed. “Like tomorrow. Sounds like you might have a touch of depression.” I nodded knowingly. ‘Ya think?’ I thought to myself. I saw it, I knew it. I was the one going through it. But I didn’t need some nosey doctor pumping me full of drugs and telling me I needed counseling. I just needed Josh and my baby and I was fine.
“Mom, I have an appointment with my gyne in two weeks for my postpartum checkup. I’ll mention it then.” She pushed her nearly empty plate aside.
“You are as stubborn as your father was. You need to go sooner than that. You will suffer if you don’t.” I stifled a laugh but the smile on my face spoke volumes. “Theodora. This is no laughing matter.” I ignored her and called the waiter over.
“Dessert today Mesdames?” He asked with a bow, his arm curtly held out in front of him, a towel folded neatly over it.
“No, thank you. I would like a box for this please.” I indicated towards my plate.
“I shall return shortly.” He said, turned, and left. I sighed. Everyone was so dramatic in L.A. He was a waiter in Chili’s for Christ’s sake! I turned to my mother who was fidgeting with her lipstick.
“Mom, I’m fine. I swear, if I need something or if things get worse I promise to call you.” She rubbed her lips together spreading the color then closed the tube and popped it back into her purse, then she turned to me and sighed.
“You promise?” I took her hand into mine and kissed it.
“I do!” We left the restaurant and I drove mom home in my Pacifica. Before Claire was born Josh and I decided on a more ‘family’ style car. I wanted the Pacifica, Josh wanted the Town & Country minivan. I won. Before I dropped mom off at her house she made me promise to call a doctor. I said I would but I didn’t really intend to. I parked the car in the drive and entered into my house quietly. Hearing nothing I walked around, Josh and Claire had to be here, his car was also in the driveway. I made my way up the stairs timidly hearing something coming from a room at the end of the hallway. The closer I got the clearer it became. Josh was rocking Claire in her room and singing to her.
“Ninnaò, ninnaò, questo bimbo a chi lo do, se lo do alla Befana,
se lo tiene una settimana, se lo do all'Uomo Nero, se lo tiene un anno interoma, se il bimbo fa la nanna, se lo tiene la sua mamma.”
I sighed and his head snapped up. He saw me standing in the doorway then and smiled at me, his angelic, handsome face appropriately framed by a glowing halo of curls. I walked quietly into the room.
“Here, take her.” He whispered holding the baby up slightly. I took her and lay her in her bed. She slept peacefully. Josh slid up to my side and slipped his hand inside mine before pulling me out of the room. He led me down the hallway towards our bedroom and then pushed me back against the wall. His eyes met mine and held me there. “How was your lunch?” He asked but then didn’t give me a chance to answer before his mouth pressed down on mine for a kiss. My lips met his warmly and we kissed a few times briefly before my mouth opened to his exploring tongue. He slid it along my lips tickling me before plunging it deep inside. I felt a tingling sensation that started in my legs and worked it’s way up to my breasts where my nipples hardened to concrete. Josh put his hands on either side of my head on the wall and pinned me to it, kissing and sucking. I slid my hands up his shirt and ran my fingers along his hot, tight skin. His hips pressed against me in response, his hardness forming a knot in his jeans. He kissed down my neck and then licked me as he reached down with one hand, unzipped his zipper and adjusted himself so that he was more comfortable. Sliding my hand down his chest and into his underwear I took hold of him. He pulled me close with one arm and ran his fingers through my hair with his other hand pulling my head closer so he could bite into my neck. I stroked him slowly and rubbed my thumb across the tip of his cock spreading the wetness he oozed. He let out a low moan that came from somewhere buried deep inside him. I slid my hands down his hips and into his pants where I pulled and they came down easily. My back still against the wall I shimmied down it until I was on my knees in front of his massive hard-on. It stood straight out at me and I wrapped both hands around it. It was so hot it nearly burned my palms. Josh sucked in air as I first licked the tip of it then slid it slowly into my mouth as far as it would go, my tongue sliding along the length of it tasting him. I started out slowly, sucking and licking until he held my head and eased himself further into my mouth. “Oh baby,” He moaned as I worked him in and out. “Oh God, baby.” He began to pump himself a little faster. “Oh Teddy, can I? Teddy?” He pleaded. I slipped my hand up his thigh and cupped his balls in my hand, they were tight against his body. He was ready to go. I nodded and then squeezed gently as I felt him empty into my mouth. I drank him down and then ran my lips along his length as I pulled him out of my mouth. I wiped my mouth then Josh pulled me up and dragged me into the bedroom where he ripped off my jeans and leaned me over the bed. He reached down between my legs and stuck a finger inside me. It was so wet I nearly swallowed his whole hand. “Oh baby, you are so ready.”
“Then what are you waiting for, an engraved invitation?” I hissed, anxious to feel him inside me. He lay one hand on my lower back while with the other he guided himself into me from behind. I let out a moan as he filled me with his bulk. “Oh Josh, oh baby …” I panted as he held my hips with his hands and moved inside and out quickly, his thighs banging against the backs of mine. “Fuck me, Josh, harder!” I wanted him, I needed him, it felt so good this way. He leaned over and rested his chest on my back wrapping his arms around me.
“God, I love it when you talk dirty to me.” He said and drove himself deep inside.
“I want to lay on the bed, I want to see you.” I panted. He backed away and I crawled on top of the covers spreading myself open for him. “Come.” I said holding my hands out to him. He positioned himself on top of me and slid inside easily. I touched his face as he made love to me, his eyes filled with lust and desire. “I love you.” I said, he smiled briefly then gritted his teeth. “I love when you fuck me like this, your cock so hot and hard. It feels so good.” He leered at me and pounded harder, taking longer strokes. “Come for me baby, give it to me again.” He let out a small laugh at my rhetoric and then his face was awash in euphoria as he erupted inside. Josh lay himself down on top of me and groaned.
“Oh Teddy …” He sighed. I ran my fingers through his damp hair, scratching his scalp. “You know how to get me going.” I knew how to get him going? He was getting heavy on my belly and I gently pushed at him. “That naughty talk will get you action every time you use it!” Everytime? I thought … Good!
“Oh no, sexy man, it’s the other way around.” I said as he moved off of me and lay on his back. I rolled over onto my side and lightly touched his face. He had a slight damp film of sweat all over him. He was working hard moments ago! He took my hand and kissed my fingertips.
“So how was your lunch?” He asked again raising his eyebrows at me. I scooted off the bed and headed for the bathroom.
“Not as good as the dessert!” I called and closed the door behind me.
When I emerged from the bathroom I heard Josh downstairs in the living room playing the piano softly. I made my way down and came up behind him sliding my arms around his neck. He rubbed my forearm with his cheek and continued to play.
“So what was that you were singing to Claire?” I whispered into his ear.
“It’s an Italian lullaby.” I kissed his neck right below his ear and then went over to the chaise lounge and lay down on it.
“It’s beautiful. What does it mean?” He sighed before he spoke.
“Well the story isn’t as pretty as the song but it’s about this ummm …” He stopped playing a moment as he thought. “well it’s a witch-like character called The Befana who rides a broom and visits good little girls and boys homes and puts candy and small gifts in their stockings hanging up by the fire.” I frowned.
“Sounds like a cross between Halloween and Christmas.” He uttered a small laugh and his fingers began to play a little faster.
“Yeah, that it would be.”

There were policemen everywhere making a desperate attempt to control the growing masses. The beach was flooded with people, nearly to capacity, most of them women of various ages. Some of them held signs. They were mostly calm, patiently waiting. Some had been there for over a day I had been told, camping out, wanting to get a good position for the event that was now just an hour away.
Claire and I were in a tent, flaps closed for privacy. My mom kept Claire occupied with toys and made silly faces at her while I dressed and Seth, a hair and make-up artist performed his magic on me. I had finally lost the last few pounds of baby fat, well I’d lost more then I should have and slowly gained a few of them back and with the help of both my mother and Lindy Groban chose a very simple Vera Wang gown. It was strapless, a modified A-line with a pinched neckline and lace all over highlighted with woven ribbons and beads. The back, very clean with embroidered buttons. Seth pulled my hair up and situated a veil onto the back of my head. Again, light, lucid, sheer with lace edges and pearlescent beads. It was Thanksgiving Day and Josh and I were getting married on the beach. We had chosen this day purposefully. First we were thankful that we were together, we were thankful for Claire and we had been through a lot together so the significance of the holiday was enough to convince us. It had been a long two months’ wait and after my serious bout with postpartum depression I wasn’t sure this day would come at all. I ignored my mother’s admonitions about the depression the day we had lunch together and then things worsened. Josh and I began to argue daily. He did things to annoy me constantly – or so I thought - and I couldn’t help my nitpicking. When I found out that he begged Cassie to schedule appearances for him so he could be away from home more I was emotionally devastated. I couldn’t understand it, I had always been self-sufficient, done things for myself. I was strong, confident, capable yet there I was, doubting, scared, worried, and sad. Mom made herself available to help me and I pushed her away. She kept nagging me about seeing a specialist and the more she fussed the less I wanted her near me. Lindy, on the other hand, was fairly persistent. I tried to be polite, to gently tell her to mind her own business and it seemed to work. She never actually badgered me but I could tell she was anxious to see me get to a doctor. The day everything came to a head I was due to have a lunch outing with her. Josh left the afternoon before and jetted off to Ontario, Canada for an appearance at a small benefit in Toronto. I hated to see him go but at the same time glad that we wouldn’t be at each other’s throats another day. He wasn’t critical of me, I was of him and I could tell it was taking it’s toll. He slept fitfully, talking and shouting in his sleep. He had developed purple circles under his eyes for lack of rest. I hated myself for that, yes, another reason to be sad and angry. At night when we went to bed I rolled over onto my side away from him and he slid up behind me and pulled me into his strong arms. He held me tightly there as I silently sobbed over the days events. I cried because of how much he loved me and how much I hurt him. I cried because I loved him and was slowly destroying the love we shared. I cried because I thought I was an awful mother. I cried because Josh wanted more children and after this I wasn’t sure if I could take having another one. When he first began to hold me at night and I cried he would comfort me and offer words of encouragement and faith. After a while he never spoke, he just held me and let me sob until the tears ebbed and I fell into slumber. That day I was to meet Lindy I had forgotten all about it. Claire slept late and I had barely slept through the night. When I heard her cry I leaped out of bed, tripped over a pair of Josh’s shoes that lay in the middle of the floor where he’d left them the day before after packing for Toronto and smacked my shin on her changing table as I made my way groggily towards the crib. I cried out in agony and then let out a strong stream of expletives while I rubbed the growing lump that grew hotter under my hand. Retrieving Claire I hobbled over to the offensive table. changed her diaper and put on a fresh outfit. Refreshed, she smiled up at me and my tears began. I hugged her tightly to me and when she cried out of hunger, I brought her to my bed and fed her, holding back the tears until she was full then I lay her in bed next to me while I bawled yet again. That was where Lindy found me. She had come to the house when I failed to show for lunch. When I didn’t answer her persistent knocks she let herself in with a key Josh had given her for emergencies such as this and found me with Claire in my room on the bed.
“Theo? Are you okay?” She asked coming to me. Embarrassed I sat up and wiped my wet face.
“Lindy!” Realization dawned on me then that I had missed our date. “Oh God, I’m so sorry!” I stood up, still in my pajamas and sniffled.
“Sweetie …” She said enveloping me in her arms. “It’s time you talk to someone about this.”
“Lindy, I …” I protested.
“No, no more excuses. I know you probably think I’m worried more about Josh but that’s not the truth, I am worried about you.” She retrieved Claire from the bed and grabbed me by the hand pulling me out of the room. She went straight to the refrigerator where she made me some lunch and then forced me to eat. She knew I wasn’t eating much these days, Josh had told her. She also told me he was scared to death that I would leave him and take Claire. I was surprised to hear that he had confided so much in his mom, I didn’t know he had said anything to her. She talked while I ate and Claire played in her carrier. She then made several phone calls and finally satisfied, made me change into regular clothes, packed up Claire and dragged me to a psychiatrist friend in nearby Glendale. He was a well groomed older gentleman who listened patiently to my ramblings on and then diagnosed me with moderate to severe postpartum depression. He wrote me out a prescription for Zoloft, gave me samples and made me take one right then and there. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked into my eyes.
“Mrs. Groban …” He began, I made to correct him that I wasn’t yet Mrs. Groban but he did not let me speak. “Please take this medication every day. I don’t care whether you take it in the morning or at night just so long as you take it.” I nodded and promised I would. “I am going to give you my cell phone number and I want you to call me if you feel bad, feel like hurting yourself or your baby, or if you just want to talk.” He went to his massive desk and wrote his number down on a business card before pressing it into my hand. He held my hand for a moment. “Your husband is a very talented man and very lucky to have you in his life. I am here to make sure it stays that way.” He squeezed my hand then directed me out into the next room where Lindy and Claire had been waiting for over an hour. Lindy greeted me with a hug and shook Dr. Prescott’s hand thankfully. We left and for the first time since Claire was born I breathed a giant sigh of relief.
Lindy, Claire, and I stopped by my mom’s house and picked her up before we went out for an earlier dinner, then a little shopping. By dusk both the baby and I were getting tired and LIndy dropped me off at home. I was glad to be home alone with Claire. After putting her in the swing and turning it on I sat down on the couch and called Josh. When he didn’t answer I felt tears well up inside. I started to think the worst, he was not answering on purpose, he was with another woman … I hung up and wiped away a stray tear. And before I could shed another the phone rang in my hand. I answered it.
“Sweetie?” It was Josh. I sighed in relief. “I’m sorry I’m backstage and didn’t hear my phone until you’d hung up.” I smiled.
“It’s okay. I just wanted you to know that I love you!” There was a lot of background noise, I wasn’t even sure if he could hear me.
“And I love you! How was lunch with mom?” The background noise was getting softer, he must have been walking away from the noise.
“We didn’t have lunch.” He was silent a moment.
“Why not?” He asked curtly.
“Because we had dinner!” I said and giggled. He breathed a sigh of relief.
“Good, good, glad to hear it!”
“Josh, I went to see a doctor today.” I said quietly. Another pause on the other end of the phone.
“And?”
“And he told me I have depression. He gave me some medicine and made me take one already.”
“He made you toke one already?” He asked. I laughed.
“Yeah. But Josh, I’m going to get better and things are going to be back to normal for us.”
“Honey, I just want you to be okay. I don’t care about anything else.” Just then in the background I heard someone tell Josh he was up next. “Teddy …”
“I know, you have to go. I wish I could have been there with you tonight.”
“Teddy, you’re always with me. And I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said and hung up. I left the conversation feeling hopeful and that was something I hadn’t felt in over a month.

I peeked out of the tent and saw the multitudes of fans growing by the minute. I felt butterflies in the pit of my stomach. When Josh mentioned the wedding and we decided to plan it he stressed that he wanted his fans to be able to partake of it too. I wasn’t against it but worried that it would be a circus. He posted an open invitation on his website and posted messages about it on the message boards. The response was more then overwhelming and now, peeking out again I saw that they all had accepted the invitation readily.
“How much longer?” I asked my mom. She glanced at her watch.
“About 15 minutes.” I sighed nervously. I wondered how Josh was faring. He was probably as nervous as I. He was lucky though, he’d had many years of performing in front of crowds. I went over to Claire who was pretty in a pink, frilly dress and little black shoes. She had grown some hair in the last few months but it was so blonde you could almost not see it. Today she wore a pink headband with a little rose cocked to one side. I picked her up and smooched her little pouty lips. She looked more and more like her daddy. Since taking my medicine Josh, Claire, and I had become inseparable. Where he went, we went. Suddenly Cassie poked her head into the tent.
“Let’s go ladies, it’s time!” Mom pulled the baby from my arms and held the tent flap open for me. Cassie took us to where Josh’s dad was going to escort me to the altar where Josh waited. Jack smiled broadly as I approached.
“Wow, you are beautiful!” He said and hugged me.
“Thank you.” I whispered slipping my arm inside his and clutching my flowers in front of me.
“Okay everybody! Places … cue the music!” Cassie clutched a clipboard and directed. I felt like I was in a movie and this was being filmed to be played in theatres everywhere. Lucia Micarelli, one of the most talented violinsts of our time and personal friend to Josh touched bow to string and began to play Pachebel’s Canon in D – my choice. Moments later Cassie was pushing us onto the aisle made out of plywood and set up on the sand similar to a stage. Rather then cheering like I thought they would be, the fans were deadly silent. I smiled as best I could though my nerves were on fire. Glancing around I saw faces of my family, Claire in my mother’s lap, Lindy, Jack, and more people off in the back that I didn’t know. I then looked forward at Josh who waited under an arch that was adorned with pearl white balloons and white lilies. He stood straight, hands folded together in front of him, eyes softening as they met mine. He smiled, lips pressed together. When we reached him Jack held my hand in his and turned to Josh who gave him his hand. Jack took both of our hands and set mine inside Josh’s then kissed me on the forehead and took his seat in the first row with Lindy.
“You are breathtaking.” Josh whispered to me and smiled a toothy smile. ‘Thank you.’ I mouthed and we turned to the minister. The music went silent, the crowd was silent and for that moment, before the minister spoke the only thing that could be heard was the wind and the waves crashing against the rocks and lapping up on the beach. I caught myself breathing in short breaths and inhaled deeply. Josh held my hand tightly, his palms a little bit damp.
The minister then broke the silence. “In marriage you make the most beautiful commitment in life; to love each other forever. You will share work and play, happiness and sadness, goals and values, family and friends, excitement and boredom. You will build a life which is stronger because now you are part of a team, a team that will go through life holding hands, always rooting for each other.” I glanced up at Josh and he winked at me. I smiled. “We have come together so this man and this woman might bear witness before you and to the world of the oneness that has grown up between them. As they now exist as one in their own eyes, so may they exist in your eyes. The mysterious union of two persons in marriage has already occurred in them in the giving and receiving of their love. In witness to this mystery they do pledge their love and the sharing of their lives. You are all especially welcome here because you form a circle of love. Groom and Bride are who they are, in part, because they have loved and been loved by all of you.” He held his arms open wide to all in front of him and then focused again on the two of us. It was my cue to turn to Josh, take his hands in mine and hold them, palms upward. The minister again: “These are the hands of your best friend, strong and vibrant with love, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as he promises to love you forever. These are the hands that will work along side yours, as together you build your future, as you laugh and cry, as you share your innermost secrets and dreams. These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness. These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes: tears of sorrow and tears of joy. These are the hands that will comfort you in illness, and hold you when fear or grief wracks your mind. These are the hands that will tenderly lift your chin and brush your cheek as they raise your face to look into his eyes: eyes that filled completely with his overwhelming love and desire for you.” Josh and I gazed into each other’s eyes, the words of the Reverend filling our hearts. He nodded to Josh and our hands switched places. “These are the hands of your best friend, soft and tender with love, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as she pledges her love and commitment to you forever. These are the hands that will hold you tight as you struggle through difficult times. These are the hands that will comfort you when you are sick, or console you when you are grieving. These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness. These are the hands that will give you support as she encourages you to chase down your dreams.” We laced our fingers together and bowed our heads as the Minister then prayed, “God, bless these hands that you see before you this day. May they always be held by one another. Give them the strength to hold on during the storms of stress and the dark of disillusionment. Keep them tender and gentle as they nurture each other in their wondrous love. Help these hands to continue building a relationship founded in your grace, rich in caring, and devoted in reaching for your perfection. May Joshua and Theodora see their four hands as healer, protector, shelter and guide. We ask this in your name. Amen.” We lifted our heads and Reverend turned to Josh. “Will you, Joshua, be truly a partner in marriage, taking Theodora as your wife? Will you share your innermost thoughts and feelings, nurturing the intimacy between you? Will you welcome her friends, share her interests, share your interests with her, and give her freedom to be herself? Will you be her beloved, her friend, her confidant, her comforter? Will you be open, honest and faithful? Will you be there when she needs you, to talk to, to listen; to help and reassure her; to challenge her; to shield her with your love? Will you love her day after day? Will you reach out to touch and to hold her hand, awake and asleep? Will you remember when life seems burdensome, to bring her a flower, to laugh with tenderness, to be often gentle?” He was silent as he waited for Josh to answer.
“Yes.” Josh said softly. “I will.” He then turned to me.
“Will you, Theodora, be truly a partner in marriage, taking Joshua as your husband? Will you share your innermost thoughts and feelings, nurturing the intimacy between you? Will you welcome his friends, share his interests, share your interests with him, and give him freedom to be himself? Will you be his beloved, his friend, his confidant, his comforter? Will you be open, honest and faithful? Will you be there when he needs you, to talk to, to listen, to help and reassure him; to challenge him; to shield him with your love? Will you love him day after day? Will you reach out to touch and to hold his hand, awake and asleep? Will you remember when life seems burdensome, to bring him a flower, to laugh with tenderness, to be often gentle?” I smiled.
“I will.” I said.
“Come now and share your vows with each other.”
“Teddy, I choose you this day to be my wife. When you came into my life, everything changed. You’ve filled my heart with your love and as we marry this day, my life is finally complete. I will always be there for you. I promise to devote the rest of my life to you, as a faithful and loving husband, always putting you first, caring for you, and loving you through all the ups and downs of life from this day forward.” Josh said. I felt a tear slip from under my lids and run down my cheek. I had to clear my throat before I could speak and when I first spoke my voice came out in a squeak. I cleared my throat again.
“Josh, I choose you this day to be my husband. When you came into my life, everything changed. You’ve filled my heart with your love and as we marry this day, my life is finally complete. I will always be there for you. I promise to devote the rest of my life to you, as a faithful and loving wife, always putting you first, caring for you, and loving you through all the ups and downs of life from this day forward.” He squeezed my hand in response. The minister nodded slightly and Chris came forward as did my closest cousin Susan. Chris handed a ring to Josh and then Josh turned back to me. I gave him my left hand.
“With This ring, I wed you – for today, for tomorrow and for all the years to come. Please wear it as a sign of my unending love and devotion and a notice to all the world that I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” He said and then slid the ring onto my finger. Susan handed me a ring and Josh held his left hand out to me. I positioned the ring at the tip of his finger and repeated what Josh said moments before. Then I slid the ring on his hand. We bowed our heads while the minister uttered a short prayer then he put our hands together and turned us towards the guests.
“Whom love has joined together, let no one break asunder. For as much as you two have consented to live together in marriage, have pledged yourself to each other, and have declared the same by giving and receiving rings, and by joining hands, by the power vested in me, and as witnessed by your families, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may seal your vows with a kiss.” Josh pulled me into his arms and pressed his lips against mine. It was then I noticed that he was trembling. He pulled me closer and hugged tightly. When we broke apart the minister turned us to the guests once more and raised our clasped hands towards the sky. “Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor and privilege to present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Joshua Groban!” The music began and the crowd roared. Everyone in the seats in front of us stood and began tossing white rose petals in our direction. We headed down the three steps from the altar and made our way towards the back, petals falling all around us like snowflakes in winter. When we reached the end of the runway I leaped into Josh’s arms, he held me tightly. He kissed my mouth and then my neck.
“I love you Mrs. Groban.” He said. I smiled and kissed him back.
“I love you too, Mr. Groban.” Cassie interrupted our moment.
“Reception line you two, get up there!”

Josh and I had an hour between the wedding and the reception. We took Claire to a private spot on the beach for professional photos. The reception was taking place in a hall down the street from the beach where the wedding took place. It was private but for the visiting fans Cassie, Lindy, mom, and I arranged for a tent on the beach filled with drinks, hors d'oeuvres and finally, wedding cake.

Spring marked the release of Josh’s third record and the beginning of yet another long tour. As I packed my suitcase Claire crawled into the bedroom and pulled herself up to a stand next to the bed. I glanced down at her, her white blonde curls crowned the top of her head.
“What are you doing?” I asked her. She banged her fists on the mattress and muttered something unintelligible. “Well glad you’re having a good time doing it. Where’s your da-da?” I folded a pair of khakis and put them in the suitcase.
“Da-da.” She repeated. “Da-da, da-da.” She flopped down onto the floor and crawled back out of the room. I continued on my task until I heard Claire shouting at the head of the stairs. “Da-da!” She called. “Da-da!!” As I headed towards the stairway I saw Josh coming up the stairs.
“I heard someone calling my name.” He said and picked her up. She threw her little arms around his neck and lay her head on his shoulder.
“Da-da.” She sighed. I smiled.
“Someone adores her daddy.” I said. He placed his free hand on her back and squeezed her.
“Her daddy loves her.” He said meeting me halfway down the hall. He leaned down and kissed me lightly. “How close are you to being done?” We walked back into the bedroom and as I continued on my task of packing Josh lay Claire down on the bed and when she tried to flip over and crawl away he caught her and lay her back down where he began to tickle her and blow onto her tummy. She giggled. “Da-da!” She cried and pulled at his hair. He pretended to bite her legs and she squealed with delight. “Da-da, no!!!!” She screamed yet he continued. I rolled up the shirt I had in my hands and snapped him right on his ass with it. As he stood and yelped in pain Claire flipped over and crawled to the end of the bed where she turned around and slid down the side. He turned to me, his brows furrowed.
“I guess it’s your turn now …” He said as he stalked me slowly. I threw down the shirt, giggled and tried to get away. He caught me right before I made it to the door. I struggled to get away but he threw me over his shoulder and threw me down on the bed where he pulled up my shirt and began to blow on my belly. I giggled and pulled at his head.
“Daddy!” I squealed. “Stop!!” He bit my sides and then worked his way up to my neck where he sucked at it and nipped me. I tried pushing at him but he held my arms down. Claire appeared again on the side of the bed, a frown on her little face.
“Da-da!” She scolded. “No, no!” He growled and wrapped his arms around me pulling me close.
“Claire! Daddy has to spank Mommy now, she’s been a bad girl.” He said and flipped me over onto my stomach.
“No you don’t!” I protested.
“Bad girl.” Claire repeated and then giggled as Josh spanked my bottom. I giggled and kicked my feet. He pulled my jeans down and bit my butt.
“Hey!” I screamed. “That hurt!” He lay down on top of me. “Oh gawd, now you’re going to crush me!” He ground his hips into me and I could tell he was excited and wanted some action. “Oh,” I said into my pillow. “I see why you’re doing this.” He got up and I turned over then pulled him back down on top of me. He kissed me long and hard as Claire toddled up toward us.
“Ma-ma.” She said making an attempt to stick her fingers in my mouth. Josh growled at her and sucked her fingers into his mouth. She squealed and pulled them out. He tried to kiss me erotically again this time sliding his hands up my shirt. He moaned as he kissed me and felt me up but with Claire pulling at wisps of his hair he stopped and lay his head down on my chest and then he giggled.
“Well I guess there’s no having sex with baby around.” He sighed, resigned to it and pulled himself off of me. I sighed too, I wanted it. I got up and when I was finished packing my suitcase went and packed Claire’s. Josh wasn’t going anywhere without us and there was no way I would let him go for that long either. He kept her busy with toys while I finished up and then I changed her into pajamas. Josh was lounging on the couch in the family room, TV on, beer in hand when I entered the room with Claire in tow.
“Ni-night time Daddy.” I said. He set down the beer and held his arms out to her. She slid into them easily.
“No ni-night?” She said questioningly rubbing his cheek with her hand. He turned his head and kissed her fingers.
“Sorry baby girl, bed time. We have to get up early to go on a trip.” He kissed her little lips. “But Daddy loves you.” She snuggled him, her arms tightening around his neck when I went to take her from him.
“Let’s go Claire, bed time.” She held on tightly.
“No, ma-ma. Da-da.” He grinned at me. He loved the fact that she adored him and tried never to let him out of her sight.
“I’ll put her to bed.” Josh said and smooched her plump cheek before heading up the stairs, Claire giggling all the way.
“Fine.” I said and turned towards the kitchen. I opened a bottle of raspberry flavored water and snuggled up on the couch. I grabbed the remote for the TV and started flipping through channels. Josh came back down the stairs a short time later wearing a pair of boxer shorts and nothing else. I raised an eyebrow at him as he went the long way around the back of the couch and walked in front of me to sit. I pretended to ignore him and kept flipping channels. He finally grabbed the remote from my hand and tossed it behind him then lunged at me. He pushed me back on the couch and kissed me passionately.
“Oh baby.” He moaned. “It’s hard to get it on with her around.” I giggled.
“Yeah, it is. But you’d better get used to it. She’s not going anywhere anytime real soon.” He sat up on his knees and pulled my shirt up over my head.
“I’ll just have to ravage you when she’s sleeping then.” He said and went for my neck.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

It was exciting being on the road again after almost a year. It was better this time being with Josh as his wife and joined by our daughter. I still helped Cassie cart him around to personal appearances and interviews. On the eve of the first concert of the tour Josh was so nervous that he began to get sick to his stomach and at one point nearly threw up. I set Claire on the floor of his changing room and went into the bathroom by him where he was rinsing his face with cool water.
“Honey,” I began, rubbing his back. “Are you okay?” He hung his head down.
“Yeah, I don’t know what’s wrong. My stomach is churning.” I reached up and felt his forehead, he felt a normal temperature.
“You don’t have a fever. Could it just be nerves?” He shrugged.
“Why would it be? It’s not like this is my first concert not to mention all the appearances I did while I was making the recording.” He leaned back against the sink and sighed. Claire walked in unsteadily and held onto his legs. He rubbed her head gently. “Hi little girl.” He said. She pulled at his pant legs.
“Up.” She said. He leaned down and scooped her into his arms. She pinched his nose. He wrinkled it up and pulled free of her grasp. She giggled. He slipped an arm around my waist and pulled me to him burying his face in my neck. The three of us hugged for a few moments and then Josh stood. He took a deep breath then paced the room carrying Claire. The stage manager poked his head into the room. “Fifteen minutes.” He said. I grabbed a bottle of water out of the cooler and cracked it open.
“Trade me.” I said holding the bottle out to him. He gave me Claire, took the bottle and chugged. “Be careful.” I said. “Don’t irritate your stomach.” He capped the bottle and set it down on the table. He stood straight again and breathed in.
“I think I feel a little better.” He said and smiled weakly. When it was five minutes until show time we headed out to the backstage area. Claire and I had a small area where we could see the whole stage and we waited there while Josh did some last minute preparations with the other band members. All at once the lights went down and the crowd roared. Right before he was to go on stage he stopped by and first kissed Claire’s and then my forehead.
“Feeling okay?” I asked quickly. He nodded and walked swiftly away. He performed magnificently and after the show he seemed like he was back to the old Josh. Later, when we finally settled onto the bus and Claire was sleeping in a specially made crib next to our bed in the back of the bus, Josh told me that he was sure it was just nerves and that as soon as he went out on stage and began to sing he felt great. I asked him how great. He winked at me and pulled me into bed.
“Let me show you.” He said.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
It was no more then two weeks later when I woke up in the middle of the night. We were traveling through the Midwest after a show in Ohio. My head throbbed and my belly ached. I sat up in bed and held my face in my hands. Nausea swept through me. I got up and headed for the bathroom quickly. Oh God, I thought, please don’t let me get sick on this bus. I never did throw up but there was no sleeping for me with the back and forth movements of the bus and the feel of the road underneath. When we finally pulled to a stop at the next venue, Claire and I headed out to a nearby store where I purchased a pregnancy test. I had a feeling that when I started getting the headache and the nausea that I might be pregnant again. While Josh attended the sound check I was peeing on a stick and waiting for an answer. I joined Josh in the venue with Claire in tow. When he was finished I approached him and handed him the baby. He took her and headed for the dressing room.
“Come on Teddy, I’m hungry. Let’s get something to eat.” I reached for his hand and pulled him to a stop. “What? What is it?” He asked turning to me. I smiled.
“Umm …” I began timidly. “Guess what?”

THE END
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