The Fiction we Live

BY : Ian
Category: J-Rock/J-Pop & K-Pop > Dong Bang Shin Ki
Dragon prints: 759
Disclaimer: DBSG belongs to SME, not me. I am making no profit. I do not know the people about whom I am writing. This story is a work of fiction.

The Fiction We Live
by Ian (poopsmcgee420@gmail.com)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, Romance, Songfic
Pairing(s): JaeMin
Warnings: Detailed eating disorder. And the ghey.
Word Count: 2518
Summary: Changmin suffers for love... can he be saved?
A/N: Wrote this awhile back (so it might be pretty crappy), hand-written, then decided to type it up. Enjoy! Songs are "Autumn's Monologue" and "The Fiction We Live" by From Autumn to Ashes.


~Oh why can't I be what you need
A new improved version of me
But I'm nothing so good, no I'm nothing
Just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs~

Changmin observed his nude form in the full-length mirror, scowling slightly. It was no wonder, he decided, that his fanbase in Korea was so low. He couldn't see how he had any fans, looking like this. But it wasn't the fans that he really minded, their opinions were just so much talk... The attentions he really wanted, he knew he could never have, not looking like this.

He pinched an inch of flesh away from his thigh, his face twisting a bit in disgust. Just five more pounds, he told himself, five more pounds and he could be perfect...

"Changmin!"

He turned, startled, at the sound of him name being called from the floor below. He bit his lip and moved to the door, opening it a crack and looking out. The scents of dinner cooking washed over him and he was at once ravenous and disgusted. His stomach rumbled its emptiness. He ignored the sound. "What?"

"Dinner's ready!" JaeJoong's voice called out temptingly.

Shit. Shit shit shit. What excuse this time? "I ate before we left the studio!" he returned loudly.

There was a silence. Perhaps JaeJoong was thinking - had JaeJoong been watching him, knowing he hadn't eaten yet? Was he caught in his lie? Changmin held his breath.

"Fine, I'll put yours in the fridge as a midnight snack, if you get hungry later!"

Changmin slowly exhaled. "Good!" He closed the bathroom door and leaned against it, even that slight moment of stopping his breath making him dizzy. He would sneak down that night, knowing he would have difficulty sleeping again, and throw away the food, making it appear as though he'd eaten it. And if he said he ate it at the right time, he could even get away with being too full for breakfast. Each move was carefully planned. This wasn't wrong, he was fine. Everyone dieted, right? He was just a little better at it than most.

He turned on the shower, then looked at himself again, this time pinching an inch from his gut. Just five more pounds... then he would be thin enough, then he would be perfect enough for JaeJoong. Just five more pounds...


~Of violence, of love, and of sorrow
I beg for just one more tomorrow
Where you hold me down, fold me in
Deep, deep, deep in the heart of your sins~

Hair finally styled and makeup done, Changmin lifted himself from the chair and made his way to the window, looking out at JaeJoong, who stood in front of the building, a cigarette between his fingers as smoke curled casually from his lips. Changmin pressed his hand flat against the glass, as though if he tried hard enough, he could touch JaeJoong where he stood. Then he curled his hand into a fist a wrapped his knuckles against the window.

JaeJoong turned to the sound, spotting Changmin. The smile he threw to the other held traces of sadness, but Changmin barely noticed. He loved when JaeJoong smiled, especially when JaeJoong smiled at him. He gestured JaeJoong inside. The older dropped his cigarette, stepped on the ember, and came inside, smile still on his lips as he approached the youngest member.

"You look amazing like that," he commented, and Changmin blushed slightly.

"They're ready to do your hair and makeup now," he told JaeJoong, waving a hand vaguely toward the chair he'd vacated shortly ago.

JaeJoong nodded, but his gaze stayed locked with Changmin's. "The rest of the guys and I are going out for lunch in a little bit. Come with us."

To Changmin, it sounded like more than just a simple invitation. But he brushed off this suspicion, turning his eyes away from JaeJoong. "I... can't. Preshow jitters, you know..." He threw a weak smile at JaeJoong, who set his jaw a bit and nodded curtly.

"You should really eat more, Min. You've been looking thinner and thinner lately." With a soft touch to Changmin's shoulder, JaeJoong stepped around him, toward the chair.

Changmin smiled secretly. JaeJoong had no idea how much of a compliment he'd just paid the younger. Maybe... Changmin grinned. Maybe he could be perfectly thin for JaeJoong after all...


~Here I'm in between darkness and light
Bleached and blinded by these nights
Where I'm tossing and tortured til dawn
By you, visions of you then you're gone~

Body racked with pain, Changmin turned, clutching his stomach. It had been five full days of blissful emptiness, and he couldn't happier. Those five pounds were finally gone, but he'd found five more he needed to rid himself of. Just another day or two and he would be perfect, then he would let himself eat.

He turned over in the bed again, moaning quietly at the feelings racking his body, the pain shooting through his body and leaving him with another sleepless night. Pain was beauty, though, right? It took more than a few situps to drop this kind of weight.

He thought of JaeJoong and smiled. All this, for him. He would do anything for JaeJoong, suffer like this just to become perfect for him. The pain began to recede slightly, his vision began to fade. For him...

Then anther jolt of pain shot through him and he groaned, turning to his side, curling up. Spots of darkness danced in front of his eyes as he clenched his jaw, willing the pain away. No thoughts of JaeJoong would come to him then, only thoughts of the pain, of eating. His body needed nourishment, but if only he could hold out, just for one more day...

Then the pain faded again, leaving him feeling so empty, but not just in his body. His vision darkened slowly, and he thought of JaeJoong again as he succumbed to the sweet, willing blackness.


~The shock lifts the red from my face
When I hear someone's taking my place
How could love be so thoughtless, so cruel
When all, all that I did was for you~

"I think we could all use a nice group breakfast."

Changmin slowly opened his eyes. He felt weak, barely able to move, and a glance at his bedside clock told him he'd slept almost seven hours, much longer than he usually did. Then the sound that had woken him came again.

"I'm making it big, really special."

JaeJoong was outside his door, whispering to someone.

"But you'll make mine 'extra'-special, right?"

The suggestion in Yunho's voice was obvious. Changmin furrowed his brow. JaeJoong practically giggled.

"You'll get whatever I choose to give you." Despite his defiant words, his voice was playful. Changmin felt like he would b sick if he had anything inside of him to throw up.

"Come on, you know how much I like your extra special treats..."

Changmin felt like he was suffocating.

There was a slight shuffle, then a pause. "I think I might be able to throw a little something together for you." Then footsteps led away from his door.

Changmin lay unmoving, half in shock and half because he wasn't sure he could move if he tried. He had known that JaeJoong was still far from his reach, but now... He closed his eyes, willing himself not to cry. After all he'd done, and how he'd struggled. After all this work, this pain and struggle, and he had lost so easily? And to someone for whom he cared so much, someone who was like a brother to him...

He shook his head. No, it couldn't be so easily taken. But it had, he'd heard their voices. All of this was for nothing, useless. Suddenly he was very hungry. Ravenous. He wouldn't use excuses this time. He would sit with his bandmates and eat every morsel put in front of him. There was no reason for him to go hungry now.

~I break in two over you
I break in two, and each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you don't see me, you don't~

Changmin sat back away from the toilet, wiping the side of his mouth with the back of his hand as a brief euphoria washed over him. A new kind of emptiness filled him now, both the physical newness of voluntarily emptying himself and the emotional emptiness of knowing his reasons were gone, but the behavior stayed. What was wrong with him? JaeJoong would never be his. Why was he still trying to be thin?

Then a knock sounded at the door. Changmin froze. Had he been heard?

"Ne?" He called out, hearing how weak his voice was.

The door creaked open and JaeJoong stuck his head in. Changmin turned his suddenly dark expression away.

"Changmin, are you okay?"

"I'm..." What? Only doing this for you? Only doing this for someone who will never, ever love me back? "I'm sick. I don't feel well."

JaeJoong came further into the bathroom, shutting the door behind himself as Changmin stood, moving to the sink to rinse out his mouth.

"Are you sure that's it?"

Changmin spit out his mouthwash and turned. "Sure. What else would it be?"

JaeJoong shrugged, but his eyes told more. They spoke of concern and worry, and something much deeper. "Come to bed, then. You'll have to spend our two days off resting so you're alright for the performances to come."

Changmin nodded and headed for his bedroom, thinking in his head how pefectly this would work. He could just use it as an excuse to deny any food.

In his room, he crawled into his bed, and JaeJoong tucked him in, landing a brief kiss on his forehead. "Get better," he whispered, leaving out his thought, 'For me.'

Changmin nodded, then closed his eyes. He told himself, 'I am getting better. Every day I get better, thinner. For you.'


~~~

~You might be just what I need
No I would not change a thing
Been dreaming of this so long
But we only exist in this song~

After closing the door to Changmin's bedroom, JaeJoong sank to the floor, trying to supress his shaking shoulders, the tears that sprung up. Changmin thought he was so sly, so careful in covering his tracks. But how could he not know? How could he not have seen how thin the other had become, how many meals he found a way out of? How could he not see how beautiful, how perfect he already was?

And what was he supposed to do in this situation, short of forcing food down Changmin's throat every meal? How could he fix such a broken person? He'd never considered having to deal with this kind of thing when consenting to be leader of Dong Bang Shin Gi, or when deciding to become so close to Changmin. Their youngest had always been the most level-headed. How had it come to this?

JaeJoong wiped at his eyes, sighing softly as he stood. He would put on a mask of strength and take this bit by bit, do his best by Changmin. No matter what it took, he told himself, he would fix Changmin.


~The thing is, I'm not worth the sorrow
And if you come and meet me tomorrow
I will hold you down, fold you in
Deep, deep, deep in the fiction we live~

He made a quick trip to the market, deciding what would be best to feed Changmin, knowing that whether or not he was really ill, it would be hard to consume certain things with his stomach as damaged as he'd managed to make it over the past several months.

Returning to the house, he settled with feeding him just plain toast for now. He quietly entered the younger's room, seeing that he was awake.

"Brought you something."

Changmin looked up at the other, then at the plate of toast in his hands.

"I'm not hungry. I don't think I can hold anything down, anyway."

JaeJoong shook his head. "You need to keep your strength up." He sat on the edge of Changmin's bed, holding out the plate.

Changmin looked away. "I'm really sick, Jae, I -"

"Changmin!" JaeJoong hadn't meant to speak so harshly, but it seeed to get the mesage across.

The younger turned bitter eyes to JaeJoong, then begrudgingly took a piece and began nibbling at it, hoping JaeJoong would leave now. JaeJoong stayed, watching.

Though it took nearly twenty minutes, Changmin finally managed to consume both pieces of toast that had been brought to him. JaeJoong stood, smiling down at Changmin. As he headed for the door, Changmin stood as well.

"Where are you going?" he asked as Changmin tried to brush past him.

"Bathroom." Changmin managed his way out the door. JaeJoong was right on his tail.

"Nauseous?"

"Yes."

Changmin went into the bathroom and tried to shut the door before JaeJoong could follow. But JaeJoong managed to get his foot in the door, stepping into the small room.

Changmin glared, then knelt beside the toilet, trying to will himself to throw up without sticking a finger down his throat.

JaeJoong stepped closer and held Changmin's hair back with one hand, rubbing his back with the other as though he really bought Changmin's story.

A full minute passed before Changmin finally nudged JaeJoong a bit harshly away and stood, stalking back to his room.

JaeJoong followed again, tucking Changmin into his bed and kissing his forehead again. Changmin would not look at JaeJoong, biting his lip to keep from saying every hateful thing on his mind. JaeJoong wouldn't have cared about his words, though. Only that Changmin would be getting better.


~I break in two over you
I break in two
And if a piece of you dies
Autumn, I will bring you back to life
Of course I see you
I do~

Changmin's bedroom was dark as JaeJoong entered, and he was glad for that, not wanting the other to see the tear stains on his face. Seeing Changmin with his eyes closed, body still, JaeJoong knelt beside him. Then the tears began again.

Changmin heard the soft sounds of the other and turned to him, frowning. "Jae... what's wrong?" He reached out a hand to wipe away JaeJoong's tears.

"Changmin..." But he couldn't say anything else, just the other's name, quietly. He leaned against Changmin's touch, feeling the coldness of the younger's skin. "Changmin..."

"What is it, Jae?" Changmin half sat up, concern etched across his face. "Did something happen?"

JaeJoong gently crawled into Changmin's bed and embraced the youth. He kissed he cheek and whispered. "Get better for me."

Changmin knew that JaeJoong knew. How long had he known? Did that really matter? He returned the embrace, feeling at once liberated and suffocated.

"Get better for me," JaeJoong repeated. He wanted to tell Changmin how perfect he was, how beautiful and wonderful he'd always been, how much he loved him, but the words were caught in his throat.

Voice cracking slightly, Changmin asked, "How?"

JaeJoong could only shake his head, tears falling from his face and landing on Changmin's shoulder. "Please..."

Changmin felt his own tears begin to collect. How could he promise something he was sure he couldn't keep? How could he ever get better?

Then there were lips pressing softly to his own but somehow he was unsurprised.

"I'll be here, right here," JaeJoong whispered the words against Changmin's lips. "Please, please get better."

They shook in sorrow, bodies softly trembling through their tears as they held each other.

"I love you," Changmin told the older.

"Then show me," JaeJoong returned.

Changmin was silent for a few moments before confessing, "That's what I've been doing all along."


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